An interesting summary of the research on cue-parenting vs. cry it out/sleep training............

[Mommyfaithe]

It is such a personal decision. We tried to let our son CIO but he worked himself up into a hysterical frenzy. Both my dh I and just felt that something was not quite right. We took turns holding and sleeping with him. He was about 2 1/2 when he was diagnosed with autism. He is very social and very attached to us - very loving. My dh feels this could possibly be a result of our decision not to let him CIO. All I know is we went with our gut at the time and for us seemed to be the right thing to do.

Studies, or no studies.....ALWAYS go with your mommy gut!!! Your instinct for your baby checks any flipping study, any day....besides, next year's study will say something completely opposite.

[Guest]

 

For the record, I'm a pretty "extreme" AP mom, and my kids did have issues sleeping if you mean they wanted someone with them to fall asleep. I don't htink that is an issue, I think it is biologically normal. It's what other mammals, and other societies of humans, have done for a very long time. I believe we were created/evolved to be held and cuddled to sleep. So to me, that isn't a sleep issue at all. About 3 years old my kids are able to go lay down in their bed by themselves and go to sleep. No tears. The oldest sleeps like the dead. The almost 4 year old has nightmares, so she still wakes sometimes, but that seems to be a genetic trait the women in my family share. So she still wakes now and then at night, but it is because of a scary dream (the other night she dreamt she had a hole in her arm...so weird), not just to be a pain in the butt. 

I think what you interpret as "angry baby doesn't like it" others interpret as "scared/loney baby wants mama". When one interprets it as scared and lonely, wanting mama, it seems only natural to pick the baby up, and it is honestly hard for me to fathom doing otherwise. 

 

Now, I will say taht if the baby is just slightly fussing, that is different I suppose...but crying with a desperate "pick me up cry"...I can't imagine ignoring that just to teach some kind of lesson on sleep. Not knowing that they all eventually learn to sleep on their own if you are patient. 

ktgrok, my feeling is - if you felt that continuous management of your child's sleeping was acceptable and a reasonable trade, then that is fine. What really rankles me, though, is a whole generation of mothers who have been infected with the belief that it is wrong, uncaring and permanently damaging to teach a baby/child to sleep separately, which is our cultural norm. Regardless of what the Stone Age Indians do, for example. (They also walk about naked and have no indoor plumbing, so obviously there are modern concepts of culture we happily accept that are not "natural," KWIM?) 

 

I do think a mother wants to pick up her baby if she interprets their crying as scared and lonely. Of course! But how it went with my own children was such that I could see that they had developed a behavioral preference for a certain set of conditions to fall asleep. There is no critical purpose why a baby cannot sleep without a breast in their actual mouth at all times. (That was my dd.) There is no critical purpose why a 20+ lb. 6-month-old, healthy boy needs to be walked, patted and jiggled for 45 minutes to fall asleep. (That was my middle  son.) It was not feasible for these scenarios to continue. These were unreasonable "sleep props" that I could not keep active for more months or perhaps years. So, in both instances, I decided if they were fed, clean and healthy, it was reasonable for me to lay down a new sleep pattern that would be sustainable for the future. They cried. My dd barely sniffled. My youngest cried to wake the dead - but he is Mr. Extreme in any case. So, no, I don't interpret those cries as scared/lonely. I interpret them as confused/unhappy that the pattern to which they are accustomed has been interrupted and now they don't know what they're supposed to do. In both my personal experience and in the experiences I've read a hundred times in threads like this, they soon adjust to a new way of going to sleep and are no worse for the wear. 

 

Hey, Quill. I have observed a similar outcome regarding extreme AP types.

Yes. I remember your infamous post. Your observations match my own. 

[Serenade]

 What really rankles me, though, is a whole generation of mothers who have been infected with the belief that it is wrong, uncaring and permanently damaging to teach a baby/child to sleep separately, which is our cultural norm. Regardless of what the Stone Age Indians do, for example. (They also walk about naked and have no indoor plumbing, so obviously there are modern concepts of culture we happily accept that are not "natural," KWIM?) 

 

 

I wish I could like this twice.

[BarbecueMom]

The thing is, babies cannot tell the difference between, "I'm crying and Mom won't pick me up," versus, "I'm crying but Mom has explosive diarrhea and can't pick me up." It could be fifteen minutes of crying in either scenario. All they care about is getting mom's attention, not the reasons behind it. My four-year-old still doesn't always get it, let alone the baby. If a few instances of unattended crying lead to psychological damage, whether it's from illness or sleep training or long car trips or whatever, then psychological damage must be the new normal. Whose life is that perfect?

[SKL]

I always find it amusing when people say babies are, on the one hand, unable to understand that mom is likely to return sometime even if it isn't the first instant they cry; and on the other hand, complex enough thinkers to reason, "nobody cares to respond to my needs, therefore I must teach myself to accept this horrible lifelong fate."

 

Could it be that babies aren't all that bothered by the fact that they cry?

 

I would also note that the longest screamfests I've witnessed have not occurred over sleep issues, but over butting of heads in the daytime.  So, are all of those strong-willed kids going to grow up brain-damaged?  If so, I don't think CIO is the appropriate target to attack.

[OneStepAtATime]

And here I am with a 6 month old on my chest who won't sleep unless I hold him. I have the flu, my husband works long hours and I have 3 other little ones to take care of. I am so tired I cannot see straight. I cried this morning because I didn't sleep at all last night...baby won't sleep unless I am holding him. I can't sleep when I hold him...I am afraid of cosleeping. A friend's 6 month old was smothered to death a few months ago. My husband rolled over on our first baby, and I woke up to find him under him. It scared me so much that I bought a cosleeper and put him in there. We did intend on cosleeping, but that changed our minds. Just too many bad experiences to cosleep, sorry.

 

I have the baby in a crib right next to my bed. He won't sleep in there. He just screams until I pick him up, then I can't sleep. Honestly, I want to put him in the study on the other side of the house and come back and get him in 8 hours. But these articles make it sound like I am going to cause him permanent damage if I do so.

 

What gives? I can't handle this anymore. I really think I am not good for anyone right now because I am so much of a mess.

You going extended periods of time with significantly less sleep than you need can have serious consequences for your mental and physical health (as I am certain you are aware), as well as that of the rest of the household.  Is there ANYONE who could come over for a few hours and keep an eye on the kids, sooth the baby when he cries, change his diaper, etc. and do this at least a couple of times a week until you can catch up on at least a little sleep?

 

I did not get help.  My 1st child cried incessantly when I did not hold her, round the clock.  She took 20 min catnaps then would be up for hours.  I did not know to check for reflux and my husband was out of town almost the entire first 3 months, plus quite a bit the 2nd 3 months.  I became so sleep deprived I literally forgot who I was.  The first time only lasted 30 sec or so.  The second time I must have dozed off for a few minutes...while holding the baby.  She could have fallen out of my arms onto the floor.  When I woke up, I did not know who I was, where I was, or whose baby I was holding.  I thought I was babysitting.  I was terrified.  I should NOT have been taking care of an infant in that state.  I ended up depressed off and on for weeks and didn't have enough mental capacity left to recognize that fact.  

 

I don't think leaving a baby crying by themselves for hours and hours alone in a crib is the right thing to do, but I don't think most people on this board are suggesting that is a good idea when they say to CIO.  Lots of ladies on here are giving some great suggestions for how to help a baby learn how to sooth themselves without being abandoned alone in a room for hours on end.  Your own sleep and health are just as important.   Maybe you could try some of these other suggestions, but you need sleep first to be able to think this through rationally.  

 

I know your husband works really hard.  But so are you.  Could he at least give you a few hours to sleep uninterrupted each day?  Or a neighbor?  Or another relative?  Until you have enough sleep to actually think through your parenting options and try to implement something else?  There have been many useful suggestions on this board.  Without enough sleep it may be very hard to judge which one might work best for your family.

 

Hugs and blessings... :grouphug:

[SKL]

I agree with seeking help from someone if you aren't getting sleep for a long time period.  When my kids were first home, I wanted to do everything myself, partly out of pride, partly because of bonding/attachment concerns (they were adopted as older infants).  So I understand how it is hard to ask for / accept help.  But if I had it to do over, I would have asked for a break at times.  People are often willing to help if you just ask.  I'm pretty sure you won't regret it.

[Mergath]

I would also note that the longest screamfests I've witnessed have not occurred over sleep issues, but over butting of heads in the daytime.  So, are all of those strong-willed kids going to grow up brain-damaged?  If so, I don't think CIO is the appropriate target to attack.

 

You know people who feel like they're constantly butting heads with their infant?  I would guess having a parent who feels it's even possible to have a struggle of wills with a baby is the problem in that situation.

[Dory]

My aunt used to let my cousin cry constantly. It wasn't because he was an inconsolable baby. When picked up he would settle right down, but she was determined that he needed to learn that her life didn't revolve around him. He would sit in his car seat and cry for hours until he'd fall asleep for a little while. That was well before 6 months. He has issues. I watched all that as a teenager and swore I'd never do that to my babies.

 

My oldest never cried until after 6 months. He was a super happy baby and I was so lucky. My MIL thought it was horrifically unhealthy that I didn't let him cry and I didn't make him sleep through the night. She pushed that all babies should be brought home and set right in their cribs and taught right from the start that when they are put in their cribs they need to go to sleep (she also used to chew me out for not spanking the kids enough because she spanked my dh more before he was a year old than she did the entire rest of his life). It was exhausting. My oldest ds was tongue tied and had a hard time nursing. He would nurse every hour for the first 3 months, but it doesn't last forever. At 9 months I started pushing him to learn to lay down and sleep on his own as I was pregnant with my dd and losing weight and couldn't handle it with him anymore. He cried some, but not much and I never left him. I would sit beside his bed the entire time and just keep laying him down, rubbing his back and then going back to reading my book. His big crying time in life wasn't until 18months and there was no rhyme or reason behind his horrible nighttime crying and screaming then. Even at 18 months, we didn't make him go it alone though.

 

My second baby was pretty easy too. By the time she was 4 months she would fall asleep in her bed with me sitting beside her with one hand resting on her. No CIO method used.

 

My third was no where near as easy as the first two. He wanted to be constantly moving and if his world stopped moving, he cried. Going to sleep was hard because well, cribs don't move very well. In desperation I had him sleeping in the swing while I crashed on the couch. At a year I discovered that if I let him have a little toy piano and drum set in his crib with him, he would put it on record and play some noise and then put it on playback. It was relieving. CIO wouldn't have worked with him anyway. By the time he was 1 1/2 he was having temper tantrums that blew my mind. He would have something go wrong and just have a melt down. Talking to him was pointless. I would put him in his room until he would settle down and he would scream until he threw up and kick at the door and scream some more. I can't imagine how it would've gone to have those sorts of fights with an intense 3 month old baby. It would've been hard on everyone. I'm very glad I followed my gut instinct and just worked with the baby.

 

At 10, 8, and 6 all my kids love bedtime. My youngest still doesn't sleep much, but he deals with it himself, unless it's 3am, then I usually poke my head in his room to tell him to go back to bed.

[Guest]

You know people who feel like they're constantly butting heads with their infant?  I would guess having a parent who feels it's even possible to have a struggle of wills with a baby is the problem in that situation.

 

I don't think that was the point SKL was making. 

 

One of my children hated many situations - buckling into the car seat, diaper changes, taking a bath, brushing teeth. Even under a year old, he cried over many situations. They were situations that could not be helped. We're heading somewhere in the car, he's going in the car seat - the end. Scream if you must, but my decision will prevail. I think SKL was talking about settings like these, and/or with toddlers. 

[BYE]

My first cried so much that my extended family thought it was my fault. My husband and I had to let her cry it out. Otherwise we would have lost our minds. My second was the total opposite. I remember once picking up my second while he was sleeping. I squeezed his cute cheeks, gave him a kiss and then set him back down to sleep. I remember thinking in that moment that I couldn't even breathe in the same room as my first unless I wanted to unleash the wrath of her fits. To each their own, each baby is different, each parent is different.

[Mergath]

I don't think that was the point SKL was making. 

 

One of my children hated many situations - buckling into the car seat, diaper changes, taking a bath, brushing teeth. Even under a year old, he cried over many situations. They were situations that could not be helped. We're heading somewhere in the car, he's going in the car seat - the end. Scream if you must, but my decision will prevail. I think SKL was talking about settings like these, and/or with toddlers. 

 

Ah.  With discussions about CIO, I guess I usually assume we're talking about babies.

[Guest]

Hesitant though I am to enter the fray, I've got two observations.

 

I think it's interesting the rejection of research in this thread. Does the research have an agenda ?

 

And secondly, parenting by a (not particularly long standing) cultural norm ? Why would that even be an issue ?

 

The linked studies are summaries of research. The first link is written very obviously with an agenda. The second one is summarizing it to support her point as well. 

 

To me, what I have observed IRL and in many internet threads forms my opinions, not whatever studies try to conclude.  Also, at least some of the research cited in the linked opinion pieces is specifically referring to a very rigid form of parenting with babies under 12 weeks old. I don't think anyone in this thread is supporting that form of rigid sleep-training and scheduling. 

 

I don't really understand the second point you state above. 

[ktgrok]

Babies cry for different reasons.  Parents can usually tell whether it's communicating an urgent need or something else.  But bottom line, babies cry.

 

Crying often happens when a child (or adult!) is overstimulated or overtired to the point of being unable to find the balance needed to calm down and do the next thing - whether the next thing is sleeping or something else.  When a person (of any age) is in that state, a "good cry" can help a person relax and enjoy the comfort of a quiet, peaceful bed.  In the case of CIO (for a child who can benefit from it), the child learns to find comfort in that quiet, peaceful bed, and stops feeling a need to protest bedtime.  That isn't learned helplessness, it's learned contentment.

 

 

 

It is my understanding that recent studies have shown that the babies are not content, based on the stress hormones in their blood, but actually still just as stressed...they just gave up on crying. 

[ktgrok]

Hesitant though I am to enter the fray, I've got two observations.

 

I think it's interesting the rejection of research in this thread. Does the research have an agenda ?

 

And secondly, parenting by a (not particularly long standing) cultural norm ? Why would that even be an issue ?

 

Right..I don't get the "cultural norm" arguement. It was a cultural norm to bind feet at one point. But we know that biology dictates foot size, and trying to change that is wrong. When I say biologically a baby is designed to have someone near at night, and often to wake during the night, that's just biology. I don't see why all of a sudden we would start ignoring that need. 

 

Someone said I 'managed" my child's sleep. If by manage that means "cuddle"..yeah, I guess so. 

 

Also, I find it interesting that many think nursing a baby to sleep/during the night is permissive or managing sleep or teaching bad habits, but think a pacifier at night is normal and ok. To the baby it is the same thing (if the baby likes pacifiers..mine never did)....not sure why one is a "bad habit" but the other is "baby sleeping independently". If anything, that babies often need a pacifier to sleep should be evidence of how strong that need to nurse at night is. 

[LizzyBee]

And here I am with a 6 month old on my chest who won't sleep unless I hold him. I have the flu, my husband works long hours and I have 3 other little ones to take care of. I am so tired I cannot see straight. I cried this morning because I didn't sleep at all last night...baby won't sleep unless I am holding him. I can't sleep when I hold him...I am afraid of cosleeping. A friend's 6 month old was smothered to death a few months ago. My husband rolled over on our first baby, and I woke up to find him under him. It scared me so much that I bought a cosleeper and put him in there. We did intend on cosleeping, but that changed our minds. Just too many bad experiences to cosleep, sorry.

 

I have the baby in a crib right next to my bed. He won't sleep in there. He just screams until I pick him up, then I can't sleep. Honestly, I want to put him in the study on the other side of the house and come back and get him in 8 hours. But these articles make it sound like I am going to cause him permanent damage if I do so.

 

What gives? I can't handle this anymore. I really think I am not good for anyone right now because I am so much of a mess.

 

 

My youngest wouldn't sleep either. We slept with her on one of us or between us until she was 3 1/2 y/o.  When she got old enough to be squirmy, we had to hold her down in a wrestling hold to get her to fall asleep.  One day when she was about a year old, I thought I found a trick to get her to sleep for an afternoon nap; I went into a bathroom with no windows, closed the door, and didn't turn on the light.  It was pitch black and she fell asleep instantly.  I tried it the next day and it didn't work; it was like she was onto me and my "trick."  We lived in an apartment when she was a baby, and one day, she screamed so much that a neighbor called to see if everything was okay. We didn't know what was wrong, but every instinct told me it was biological and letting her cio would be a mistake.  When she was 7 y/o, we found out she has sensory processing disorder, and most of her spd behaviors are sensory seeking.  We were reaching a point of desperation with the sleep issues by the time she finally started sleeping in her bed.  Between the sleep and other behavior issues, the stress was overwhelming, but fortunately things improved greatly when she was 5. I don't have any advice, just commisseration. :grouphug:

 

Actually, I might have some advice, if you haven't already tried these things.  With my oldest, swaddling and white noise worked well.  We would take the parent's part of the baby monitor and turn the volume all the way up to create white noise, put it in the bassinet with the baby, and she'd fall asleep within 5-10 minutes usually.

[LizzyBee]

Well my babies (except the first) did not CIO until they were 9 months old. It only took 2-3 nights. Because I jumped at every whimper they never learned to sleep through the night until they cried a few nights.

 

My first however could not be soothed in my arms; trying to sooth him by holding, rocking, anything just fueled the crying. He was very easily over stimulated. I could not hold him except to nurse him. The crying would just escalate.  If I put him in a crib, he would settle right back down. If I tried to rock him, the crying got worse and it took much longer for him to settle when I finally put him down.

 

I was a new mom with no family or help nearby. I felt like a failure. He has always been one I just had to figure out. He never did anything the way "normal" babies did it -- the way everyone else's seemed to be behaving.

 

Linda

 

My middle one was like your oldest.  When she was tired, she just wanted to be put down.  In the morning, she'd play in her crib for an hour before she cried to be picked up.  She was easy after we figured it out, but I missed the rocking time with her. That's one of my favorite parts of having a baby. :-)

[8circles]

Whose cultural norm? Not mine. I wasn't raised that way and my parents arent from the stone-age. I was also breastfed in the 70's - formula was the cultural norm in the us at that time. A cultural norm isn't automatically the best way just as it isn't automatically the worst. Each practice should be judged (by each parent) on its merits.

[AimeeM]

I just want to mention that even die-hard CIO advocates NEVER recommend CIO for a child under 6 months old.

Rainbird2, of course you can't handle it anymore because it is abnormal. I totally understand because my youngest was the same way. Also, I was so grateful that he was alive because my baby before him died that the thought of putting him down to where he could cry was unthinkable. So for a couple of months, I dozed rather than slept, propped up in bed with him sleeping in my arm cradle. I did not last 6 months in this arrangment. I came to the conclusion you're coming to sooner than that. (Maybe 3 months? I don't recall.) 

 

He did cry at first. I put him in a Moses Basket and then put the basket in the crib (in his room).  I had a video monitor which I STARED at because, as I said, I was afraid my baby could die if I didn't see what was happening. The Moses Basket was meant to provide a "held" feeling - it was more closed around him than laying flat in the crib would have been. Eventually, he went in the crib without the basket.  

 

There was crying involved. He did not like it. I am certain he much preferred being cradled in my arms than alone in a basket. But I am a very practical person and the no-sleep-for-me approach was terrible for all of us. I do not believe that children are so fragile that all the other loving, attentive, caring parenting can be nullified by learning that mom's arms are not a hammock. There are many instances where parents have the superior understanding of what is necessary for the long-term benefit of the child and the family as a whole, though it means the child will cry or be very unhappy for a period of time. I don't see the need for normal sleep as exempt from these lessons of social living. 

 

P.S. That child is 9 years old now and, if he was emotionally or intellectually damaged, it isn't evident. He's a lovely, vibrant and healthy boy who sleeps normally every night in his own bed. 

 

[EKS]

I probably shouldn't be admitting this, but I'm going to anyway.

 

I let both of my children cry it out.  The first night was difficult.  The second night there was half as much crying.  The third night there was no crying with both of them.

 

They still continued to wake at night, but it was far less than before the...intervention.  And after waiting a few minutes to see if they would go back to sleep, I always went to them.

 

They are 17 and almost 12 now.  Frankly, they're fine.

[LizzyBee]

Let's be clear: CIO does not  mean leaving the baby in crib all by themselves for however long it takes. I'm sure there are (idiots) out there who do it that way, but that is not what I would consider sleep training.

 

With my son, "CIO" looked like this: Baby cries. I go in, soothe baby, lay him back down. He cries. I leave. I wait 10 minutes, go in soothe, lay him back down. He cries. I wait 20 minutes. Lather, rinse, repeat. At most it took 2 cycles before he fell asleep. Like a previous poster said, it seemed that he got overstimulated easily. His crying would escalate when I held him, not get better. I had to just pat his back. It took 3 nights this. That's all. He slept through the night from then on. I think he was about 9 months old & CLEARLY did not need to eat two times a night. 

 

 

That is absolute hogwash.  CIO take a week, usually.  Are they suggesting a few hours of inconsolable crying caused lifelong emotional damage?  Babies developing brains can absolutely be damage from not receiving appropriate attention - I have seen those studies - they are for chidren who are horribly neglected long term. That the article never reveals that is incredibly telling.

 

And the article makes absolutely  no distinction between the  emotional needs and capabilities of  a newborn vs a six month old vs a 12 month old.   

 

And this:

 

 

 

Parents who CIO are incapable of proper parenting, because they CIO.

HOGWASH.

 

What you have described as CIO in this thread is very reasonable. But unfortunately, it's not what I've seen among my friends.  Most of my CIO friends are also into either the Pearls, Ezzos, or both.  While they are loving parents, they also buy into the idea that babies are sinners (not just sinful nature but active sinners) and manipulative, and need to learn early on that life doesn't revolve around them.  They often do believe that babies need or should have strict rigid schedules for sleeping and eating.  They advise people on facebook to ignore their instincts and let their baby CIO for as long as it takes.  They claim that it's hard but so worth it.  Maybe it happened in 3 nights and 30 minutes for their kids, and therefore, they don't realize what they may be advising to other parents whose babies might cry for hours and hours.  Or maybe they think it's okay to let a young baby cry for hours every night for weeks on end. If they don't believe that, they are not making it clear when they give this advice on facebook, and it always makes me feel a little sick to my stomach.  Sometimes the baby in question is only 3 months old and is probably having a growth spurt for which they need more nursing at night, not less.

[Runningmom80]

Wow, after reading this thread, I'm even more grateful for my twins. Since having them, I rarely judge another person's parenting choice because I realize that we are just doing the best we can, most of us have our childrens best interest at heart, and there is no one right way to parent.

 

And also, because if them, I'm too busy to turn random studies into a debate and referendum on someone else's parenting style.

[Shellydon]

A few years ago I read a book about babies that need to cry a bit to settle (tension decreasers) versus those that ramp up to hysterics when they cry (tension increasers).  This made so much sense to me because I *hate* to cry.  It makes me feel horrid for days.  I do anything I can to avoid crying. All of my children are also tension increasers -- that is crying in the crib made them hysterical.  45 minutes of CIO training resulted in 3 hours of hysterical sobbing in my arms when I finally gave in and picked them up.  IMO, CIO works fine with tension decreasers.  They cry for a bit and handle the incremental checks from mom well.  They fall asleep and each night the CIO is less and quicker.  Moms of tension decreasers say "Aha!  CIO works!"  Moms that have babies that are tension increasers quickly learn that CIO does not work and they end up with quivering, puking babies that become terrified their cribs. 

 

Just my 2 cents -- the personality of the baby has more to do with whether or not CIO than anything else. 

 

All of my children were terrible sleepers until they turned 2, then suddenly they slept great.  As a result, I didn't sleep through the night for 10 years.  I got up anywhere from 4-8 times each night.  It was miserable, but I survived and everyone at my house usually sleeps great.

[LizzyBee]

A few years ago I read a book about babies that need to cry a bit to settle (tension decreasers) versus those that ramp up to hysterics when they cry (tension increasers).  This made so much sense to me because I *hate* to cry.  It makes me feel horrid for days.  I do anything I can to avoid crying. All of my children are also tension increasers -- that is crying in the crib made them hysterical.  45 minutes of CIO training resulted in 3 hours of hysterical sobbing in my arms when I finally gave in and picked them up.  IMO, CIO works fine with tension decreasers.  They cry for a bit and handle the incremental checks from mom well.  They fall asleep and each night the CIO is less and quicker.  Moms of tension decreasers say "Aha!  CIO works!"  Moms that have babies that are tension increasers quickly learn that CIO does not work and they end up with quivering, puking babies that become terrified their cribs. 

 

Just my 2 cents -- the personality of the baby has more to do with whether or not CIO than anything else. 

 

All of my children were terrible sleepers until they turned 2, then suddenly they slept great.  As a result, I didn't sleep through the night for 10 years.  I got up anywhere from 4-8 times each night.  It was miserable, but I survived and everyone at my house usually sleeps great.

 

That makes so much sense to me just based on my experience. My first two were pretty good sleepers.  I never did CIO with them, but there was no need for it.  My third one was an hysterical screamer if put down by herself, and she cried A LOT even when being held. The baby swing didn't help, the bouncy seat didn't help, nothing helped. We just had to survive until she got over it.  She didn't have reflux or allergies.  I really think it was all sensory related.  My middle one also has sensory issues, but she's a sensory avoider and self-soother, so she was super easy.  We did a lot of co-sleeping with the oldest, but we had a king-size bed when she was little and never minded having an extra little person in the bed.  By the time the youngest came along, we had a full size bed (smaller bedroom), and co-sleeping with her until age 3.5 yo was difficult but the best option under the circumstances.

 

[LibraryLover]

This is an edited version of my AP-ish TMI story.  I want to share, but I want to keep my kids' privacy. My apologies.

 

 

This is not a CIO story, it's more of a 'It doesn't really matter what you do, as long as you are a loving parent' story.

 

 

 

 

Her crying due to reflux, or her crying because she hated the car didn't harm her (long term). Her princess status in the family didn't ruin her heart and make her selfish. Her sibs admire her kindness. She adores them. She loved feeling so special. She was carried almost always.

 

 I often slept with her on my chest at night, pillows at my back in a slightly upright position,  although I did also have a swing by my bedside until she outgrew it.  I still remember the whirring of that. It was a like a lullaby for me. lol  I look back and don't regret a thing. I love that my  family was there to help. I am grateful I didn't have to do it alone.

 

 

 

 

[SKL]

My youngest sister was spoiled like that as well.  It helped that she was a really sweet, easy, adaptable baby.  She was up for anything!  She almost never cried, until she was older and used it occasionally to get stuff.  ;)  Amazingly, she's always been an extremely independent and thoughtful person.  At 3 or 4 she would offer to go into the kitchen (on her own) and cook you something to eat.  Also, she had such a warm body, she would go up and warm other people's beds before we went to sleep.  Needless to say, she never needed to cry it out.  But it's all in the wiring, really.  My brother was also the baby for years and spoiled - he was cute and charismatic - but he was difficult and loud and only independent when he shouldn't be, LOL.  Still is.  All we can do is love them, right?

[LibraryLover]

I lucked out with all of my kids, really. They are wired pretty well.

[rainbird2]

Hi Everyone,

 

Thank you for the replies and my apologies for a delay in response. We have family visiting for the holidays and I have been away from my laptop. I have read every reply and I must say that I felt a lot of love from you all. Thank you. I wish I could reply to every post, but alas, I need to try to catch up on sleep. :)

 

This is my 4th baby, and he is definitely the most needy when it comes to sleep. Thanks to all who suggested reflux or allergies. My first was a "reflux" baby and on medication until I figured out it was allergies and an imbalance of good/bad gut bacteria. So, I have been down that road and know how horrible that is. Baby #4 is not a reflux/allergy baby. Besides, I'm eating a super clean, allergy-free diet, with lots of probiotics. He just wants to be held. The second I hold him, he stops screaming. It's like a light switch. Also, he will sleep while nursing in the bed to sleep...I don't need to hold him the entire time. He just WANTS to be held all the time. I know, it's sweet, but I can't handle the sleep deprivation.

 

I have been trying to keep him quiet so the rest of the house can sleep, so when he cries, I immediately pick him up. I think I made this crutch, and he doesn't want it any other way.

 

My husband and I are still trying to figure out what to do. He is willing to help at night, but he's losing sleep now, too. For now, we are going to put baby in the study with the husband. I'll come nurse once at night, but he will try to soothe him the other part of the night. Not sure how this will pan out, though...I will be nervous that the husband will fall asleep with him on the couch, which means we are back to square one (dangerous cosleeping). If that doesn't work , we'll try to put the mattress on the floor and make the cosleeping work somehow.

 

Last, there's no family around. The friends I have all have lots of kids, too, and it's hard to get someone to come help. Kind of isolated, and no family, and demanding babies, and lack of sleep...I know it could be worse, but it's a little hard right now. :( Time to count my blessings...there are many.

 

Thanks again for the replies and concern. Let's pray that we get this figured out soon. I want to be a good mom to my family again.

[ktgrok]

If cosleeping works just do the mattress on the floor. life saving.