Do your children say, "I love you"?

[Pen]

My ds is a touch/physical affection "love languages" type of boy--he will give hugs, hold hands and so on, and loves to have those things and neck massages and so on, but does not say, "I love you" in words, neither spontaneously, nor in response to it being said to him.

 

He was my foster son and then adopted by me, so it could be partly a prior background sort of thing--including that a lot of verbal affirmations of love were coupled with neglect in his original home. Or it could be that he does not feel that he loves me. Or it could be that he does, but does not feel comfortable with saying the words.

 

I don't want to put pressure on him to say something he may not feel, but also think I should be teaching him to respond and use words that express love. 

 

Unfortunately words are an important "love language" for me, and I feel sad when I tell him I love him and he does not reply. Though so far I have not told him that.

 

Thoughts or suggestions?

[duckens]

Keep modeling (as you have done) and don't make a requirement of loving gestures.  You are a good mom to want to teach language of love and to be aware of where he is, but we all love in our own ways.  And you especially don't want him to learn to use I Love You for manipulative terms.

My dd6 often says, "I love you."

 

My dd3 is going through a phase where she will not let me kiss her.  We snuggle and nurse, and I kiss her on the top of the head, and she rubs it off, and scolds me, "No kisses, Mom!!!"  It is hard to not kiss her.

 

When I was a kid, I had a pastor that would force me to hug him, to the point of grabbing my arm and almost pulling my arm out of the socket to stop me from getting away.  After sitting quietly for over an hour of church, I just wanted to run outside and play with the other kids.

As an adult, I sincerely believe that the pastor just really loved kids; no funny business intended.  At the time, my parents didn't allow complaining.  The problem was mine to solve alone, so I just capitulated to get it over with as soon as possible so I could go out an play with the other kids.

As much as I want to kiss my dd3, I REALLY want to respect her wishes of "no kisses" at this time.  I tell her, "I love you no matter what!" 

[Rachel]

How old is he?

 

Although I freely say "I love you" to my husband & kids, I have trouble saying it to others.  It's not that I don't love them, it is just uncomfortable saying those words to them.

 

I don't think I would force him to say, "I love you too" in response to someone telling them he loves them, but do teach him how to respond.  Maybe saying "thank you" or "I care about you too".  I'm not sure of the wording but something that acknowledges he heard the person.

[JustEm]

My ds who will be 5 in 2 week does not say it spontaneously often but he has done so. He willsay it back if you say it to him. My dd3 spontaneously says it daily but hates physical affection unless she initiates it. 

 

I think all you can do it continue to tell him you love him.  He may never reciprocate verbally but don't take that personally

[Chrysalis Academy]

I have two snuggly girls who say I love you all the time - all the time!!  It's partly a girl thing, maybe.  I'm demonstrative with them, so they've seen and heard it their whole lives, so it's natural for them.

 

My dh, otoh, was raised by an extremely reserved Irish single mom who died when he was 14.  He's not demonstrative by nature or by experience.  He says I love you at appropriate occasions, but not just frequently and spontaneously.  And it's hard for him sometimes to respond to the girls' saying it so frequently.  He makes an effort, but I know he doesn't "feel it" the way they and I do - feel like saying it, I mean, not feel the love.

 

So I think people are different, and it is a combo of nature and experience.  I appreciate that my dh makes an effort to overcome his inclination to respond to the girls, because they are children and they need to hear it even if he doesn't feel like saying it.  But I don't think I'd try to force a kid to say it more than he wanted to.  In that case I'd figure, he's the kid and I'm the grownup, so I am the one that should accommodate him, rather than him accommodating me, KWIM?  I hope that doesn't sound harsh, that's not how I intend it, I just think it's important for us to fill our children's emotional needs, but it isn't so important/healthy that they fill ours.

[Changed]

My toddlers say it because I naturally say it to them. My teen doesn't because I don'tsay it to her. I'm sure I did when she she was little, but it just seems weird now. Fwiw, I don't say it to my parents either. I need to work on that...

 

When people say it to me, especially if I'm caught off-guard, I just kind of stand there and nod or say "ok".

[Eagle]

My ds and I read a book about large numbers. At the end I told him I loved him a googolplex. It has become our special code. Although sometimes he tells me he loves me a googolplex, he often just says googolplex and it means love you.

 

Maybe you could try something similar so he would have other words to say to express love.

[Miss Marple]

When they were very young, then a long dry spell, and now again when they are older. Youngest says it regularly at age 17.

 

Personally I wouldn't be offended if they didn't. Personality makes a lot of difference in how people approach intimacy (of varying degrees). Some of mine say it more often and easily. Those that limit the use, though, often seem more sincere :) some people apologize easily and readily; others modify their behavior more easily so they don't have to apologize as often.

 

It sounds like this boy is young and, IMO, your need to hear him say it is probably not going to be met. Maybe it will someday, maybe it won't. Over the years I have learned that my kids meet few of my needs :). But I know they love me anyway and I've learned to be satisfied with what they can give. After all, something freely given is far more valuable IMO than something I've asked for.

[Farrar]

Of my boys, one does and one doesn't.  But the one who does only recently started (he's 9).  I think some kids get there in their own time.  I agree with the excellent advice above to be generous with your love, to model your affirmations, and to not push for it.

[JustEm]

My ds and I read a book about large numbers. At the end I told him I loved him a googolplex. It has become our special code. Although sometimes he tells me he loves me a googolplex, he often just says googolplex and it means love you.

 

Maybe you could try something similar so he would have other words to say to express love.

my dd tells me she loves me 'a million *insert her favorite thing of the week*'  It melts my heart because I used to tell people the same thing.  I have a story about my dog passed away from when I was 5 that says I love her a million Christmas trees.

[*Alyssa*]

As an orphaned child and former foster child, I'd like to chime in, if I may.  Depending on his background, he may not understand "I love you" the way you do.  You don't say how old he is, but it is possible he is still grieving in a way you cannot see.  He very well could be oblivious to the fact he's not saying it in return or it could be a sign he is grieving more than you realize.  Only you will be able to figure that out.

I wouldn't compare a foster child to any other child, because being taken away from all you ever knew is traumatizing.  Every child's story is different and unique to them.  As a foster/adoptive parent, I wouldn't take it personally, but see it as an opportunity to help him heal and grow. 

If you do well with verbal affirmations, I wouldn't ask him directly about why he doesn't say it, but ask him lighthearted general questions such as, "Tell me about what you love the most.  Why do you love ______?"  From there, I'd encourage him with positive affirmations about the thing he says he loves the most.  If you want to be even less direct, switch "love" with "like".  If you create an automosphere of talking indirectly about the things he loves or likes, you can help him start seeing those things more often, including when you're saying, "I love you", to him.  The end goal is not to get him to say, "I love you", to you.  I know you need to hear that, but honestly, the best thing for him is to heal and grow in the best way for him.   How that will play out for him is better suited for a professional counselor to help with.  A counselor who is trained in play/art therapy is especially helpful with younger children, if he is still young.

I know it's not easy for you to not hear him say it in return, but it is very likely nothing personal.  I'm sure you're a great mother to him and in time, he'll likely show that appreciation in a way you feel validated the way you want and need.  :grouphug:

[stripe]

I don't mean to stereotype, but I just don't think most boys over the age of 5 say "I love you!" or other mushy things very often. Even if they are crazy about their mothers.

 

I have a son who wipes off my kisses. 

[boscopup]

My 9 year old doesn't, and I have to tackle him to get a hug (he finds it funny). When grandparents and well loved older friends want to hug him, he knows to allow it, but he stands there and takes it rather than hugging back. That's just his personality.

 

My other two are VERY lovey dovey, hugging and kissing me all the time and saying they love me. Different personalities.

[Pen]

Thank you for the replies so far which have also helped me to clarify my thinking. 2 seem to have come in while I was writing that I have not seen yet.

 

He is 11 and a half and has been with me since he was 5--2 years as a foster child and 4.5 years as an adoptive child.

 

I do not need to hear him say it (though I would like it): I have been saying it for the past 6 years without hearing it, and can continue thus. My gut feeling is that continuing to say it to him would be better than stopping saying it because he does not say it in return.  But it is possible that he would prefer I did not say it, and since I do not really know how he feels about it, it could actually be having the exact opposite effect as what I intend, maybe bringing up feelings of being neglected associated with those words.  I not only say it to him, but also to both of my parents, so he has that aspect of modeling in both directions. 

 

We were released from therapy (attachment work) not long after the adoption finalized, but I think maybe he could use some work somehow around those specific words. Alas our wonderful therapist retired to herself be a mom, or I would go back to her now--finding someone going into adolescence to be comfortable with would be harder. And maybe I should work with it on my own, since he was glad to be done with the therapy stage.

 

Thinking about it, there are words he likes that are meaningful to him--calling me Mom and Mommy, which started on his own initiative not that far into the foster process and surprised people because he had had over a dozen prior foster homes and had not called anyone else Mom, was extremely important I know. And he likes to be called, "Son" by me, both to him and when I speak of him to others as "my son". 

 

So now  I am thinking that there is a specific distress about the words "I love you" that could use exploring--perhaps not in why he doesn't say it, but how it makes him feel when he hears it or thinks of saying it if he does. My now gut guess is that it brings up confused feelings, and maybe at least ought to be looked into before it interferes with being able to talk with a sweetheart or spouse some day.

 

Then too, I know that we will soon have the adolescence period when it is natural to want to draw away from Mommy anyway

[Pen]

As an orphaned child and former foster child, I'd like to chime in, if I may.  Depending on his background, he may not understand "I love you" the way you do.  You don't say how old he is, but it is possible he is still grieving in a way you cannot see.  He very well could be oblivious to the fact he's not saying it in return or it could be a sign he is grieving more than you realize.  Only you will be able to figure that out.

 

I wouldn't compare a foster child to any other child, because being taken away from all you ever knew is traumatizing.  Every child's story is different and unique to them.  As a foster/adoptive parent, I wouldn't take it personally, but see it as an opportunity to help him heal and grow. 

 

If you do well with verbal affirmations, I wouldn't ask him directly about why he doesn't say it, but ask him lighthearted general questions such as, "Tell me about what you love the most.  Why do you love ______?"  From there, I'd encourage him with positive affirmations about the thing he says he loves the most.  If you want to be even less direct, switch "love" with "like".  If you create an automosphere of talking indirectly about the things he loves or likes, you can help him start seeing those things more often, including when you're saying, "I love you", to him.  The end goal is not to get him to say, "I love you", to you.  I know you need to hear that, but honestly, the best thing for him is to heal and grow in the best way for him.   How that will play out for him is better suited for a professional counselor to help with.  A counselor who is trained in play/art therapy is especially helpful with younger children, if he is still young.

 

I know it's not easy for you to not hear him say it in return, but it is very likely nothing personal.  I'm sure you're a great mother to him and in time, he'll likely show that appreciation in a way you feel validated the way you want and need.  :grouphug:

 

 

Hi, welcome if this being the 1st post means you are new here!  And thank you for posting this. 

 

I do think there is something unusual about his not saying that and that for him it suggests there may be grieving or woundedness around it.

 

But I also wanted to know if many children just don't say it as Stripe suggested may be the case for boys, and that too may be possible here.

 

Either way, I like your affirmations idea to help him be able to think about what he likes/loves. It would be easy to start that with special/unusual things like that it snowed today (rare here). He is currently off sledding with a friend, so I can ask about that later when he is home and the friend gone.

[Pen]

A couple of you suggested things like I love you a googleplex, or Love you a million * -- and that might also be a good idea if the regular words evoke some past trauma, maybe saying it that way will be different and better.

[*Alyssa*]

Hi, welcome if this being the 1st post means you are new here!  And thank you for posting this. 

 

I do think there is something unusual about his not saying that suggests there may be grieving or woundedness around it.

 

But I also wanted to know if many children just don't say it as Stripe suggested may be the case for boys, and that too may be possible here.

 

Either way, I like your affirmations idea to help him be able to think about what he likes/loves. It would be easy to start that with special/unusual things like that it snowed today (rare here). He is currently off sledding with a friend, so I can ask about that later when he is home and the friend gone.

 

Thank you for the welcome!  I've been a lurker for a long time.  :blush:

 

He's much older than I anticipated you saying he is.  Yes, that is an especially difficult time for children in general, but even moreso for him, if there is a wounded past to work through.  My heart goes out to you!  I can definitely see why you'd want a general consensus from other parents.

 

Have you ever done a Myers-Briggs Personality Test with him or something similar?  I know that has helped me understand my husband, my kids, and myself in many ways. 

 

On a side note, I'm jealous you have snow!  It's rare where we live, too, but I grew up where it was normal.  Hope you all are enjoying it!  :thumbup:

 

 

[shawthorne44]

One thing that may be a bit out there.  

When my daughter was a baby we were trying to teach her sign language, mainly because I sooo wanted to hear what was going on in that little head. She made up a sign for "I love you".  She put her hand on the top of her head.  If the problem is the words, and not the idea of it, maybe you two could make up a private sign language to say "I love you".  If you used ASL, he might worry in public about being seen to be gushy with his mom.  But, maybe not so much with a private one.  I wouldn't push it.  But maybe ponder bringing up the idea at a good time.  

[Mom2OandE]

My children are adopted and my son who turns 10 tomorrow is very free with it. I will say though he didn't so much when he was younger. We actually sing to each other a little ditty that goes back and forth and one of us always "wins" at loving each other more. It's silly but it's ours (I don't do it with dd) and its special. It helps verbalized his feelings.

[Mandamom]

My ds7 is very verbally affectionate. He loves to kiss me whenever he gets a chance and likes hugs. He always says I love you. 

 

My dd11 is not affectionate either physically or verbally. I make a special effort to hug her all the time because i know she won't initiate.

 

My dd13 likes to snuggle and be with me but she doesn't say the words and she isn't as affectionate as her younger brother. 

 

My children are very different and they have been raised identically. 

[foxbridgeacademy]

My children and I are very affectionate in word and deed. I was not as a child and neither is my mother. It is still hard for me to tell anyone (excepting my DC and DH) that I love them.  I have a friend who's children will rarely say that they love her.  She is often upset by this then tries to ask why, and even wheedle a simple I love you from them.  Both her approach and that of my mother produce children who have a hard time returning affection.  I will say that as a "non-lovey" type person, a hug is the same as an I love you.  I would suggest that you should keep doing what you've been doing.  Hugs, kisses, praise, and simple "love you" with no expectations.  It took me from the time I was 10 until I was 20 to tell my mother that I loved her.  I now say it every time I talk to her.  She only stutters slightly when she says it back.

[Elisabet1]

My 9 yr old never is willing. My 19 yr old son still says it. My 17 yr old daughter always says it...

[liberty5_3000]

My (bio) sons both say it freely and frequently.  

 

My current foster daughter, only age 3, (as well as one my former foster daughters who was a bit older) says it to the point that it is sad.  Every few minutes I'll hear her saying "I love you" but it feels more like a question when she says it, like she is just looking for me to say it back because she doesn't believe it and wants to hear it again and again.  It makes me sad.  My 3 year old can just come up  to me and hug me and say it and is is so simple compared to what this little girl has going on when she says it.  I don't know what it would be like years after being adopted, but already at age 3 that phase is just such a complex one for the poor kid.

[readinmom]

We all say it dozens of times a day.  My dd and I have a game that we play similar to Guess How Much I Love You, and ds17 is a sweetie pie, loves his mama :hurray:.  Ds17 confessed to me that dh told him he did not have to say "I love you" every time he dropped him off somewhere.  I got all over his case on that one. 

 

I think it just takes time like previous posters have said.  Being secure and happy might be the best thing for him right now.  As time goes on, he might feel the need to say it.  Issues of neglect run deep.  Keep doing what you're doing...

[Incognito]

My kids don't say "I love you" often, and tend not to reciprocate when people say it.  Well, one does reciprocate more than the other, but they don't much.

 

They are very loving kids, each in their own way.  My one that says it the least is actually the most thoughtful one who is always considering what people like and doing things for them or giving them presents.

 

 

[Carrie12345]

We tend to run the opposite in my house. All 5 will say it daily (my 15yo has even said it while on the phone on the school bus!) but most of the kids are not very huggy/kissy.

[CyndiLJ]

All five of ours are adopted, with 3 of them adopted at much older ages (8, 10 and 11).  

 

One thing I learned was that "love" had to be taught...we take for granted that it is innate, and it is not.  If one has never experienced loving actions, words or deeds, one needs to be taught it.  It doesn't have to be a taboo subject, it doesn't have to be awkward, or pushy.

 

We started by talking openly about what makes someone comfortable or not, we talked about how people express affection for one another in safe and unsafe ways.  We explained about Love Languages and how to learn to recognize them, but more importantly how to offer a little of someone's preferred Love Language so they are aware of your loving feelings...even if it isn't your particular preference.  This is not to make them feel obligated to express something they may not feel, or to be something they are not.  However, it is super important to relationships to give and take a little, and we found that just by opening up the dialogue about it helped feelings be expressed.

 

We also realized we had to teach emotions, by explaining what they were feeling when they didn't have words to describe it well, and to point out the nuances and differences between, oh...say, mad and annoyed.  If things aren't modeled from infancy, it makes it harder and we parents make assumptions about what is known/understood and what is not.  We often found we were wrong in assuming certain things about the emotional lives and training of our children and we learned by trial and error.

 

All five of ours are dear to us, and having an Italian hubby we have love splattered all over the place.  We hug often, and all day long I Love You's are said...right along with grins and "You are such a dork!".  After all, we don't want to get too mushy. :-)

 

[twoxcell]

 

I don't mean to stereotype, but I just don't think most boys over the age of 5 say "I love you!" or other mushy things very often. Even if they are crazy about their mothers.

 

I have a son who wipes off my kisses.

My older ds is that way, although I know he loves me, but my younger is extremely affectionate and says he loves me all of the time. He is only 4 but I can't imagine that changing very soon.

[swellmomma]

To each other never.  youngest says it to me all the time. youngest 2 still clamor all over me for hugs and kisses.  But generally I have to say I love you to them first and they will respond with love you too, but not be the one to offer it first.  all 4 know to come for a hug and kiss and I love you before I leave them somewhere, even if it is in front of their friends.  After ds10s car accident I have made doubly sure I do that because I always want that to be the last memory they have of me if something horrible happened, of me showing my love for them.  When ds10 was in his accident I did not do that, I simply said have fun and walked away with the assumption everything was fine.  After that I became much more focused on making sure it was the last thing they always hear from me when I leave them, when we are about to hang up the phone, when they go to bed at night etc.  Their friends never give them a hard time about it even when I give them a hug and kiss in public like that (though to be nice to my teens I stick with kissing the tops of their heads while giving a side hug).  I don't plan on ever stopping, when my kids are adults and living their own lives elsewhere I will still end every call and visit with an "I love you".

 

I have always been big on the hugs and cuddles with my kids, but until that day when I realized it could have been my son's last I wasn't very verbal about it.  To get to where we are now has been constant modelling etc.  I don't care if they reciprocate, it's not up to them to make me feel loved, but I want to ensure that no matter what else is said or done in the course of a day, that when we will part it is always in love and nothing more.  Kind of like married couples refusing to go to bed angry.  So even if your ds never says it to you, don't stop, just keep saying it and showing it and one day he just may surprise you and say it back, and if he never does then take comfort in knowing that without a doubt he always knows you love him.

[Pen]

All five of ours are adopted, with 3 of them adopted at much older ages (8, 10 and 11).  

 

One thing I learned was that "love" had to be taught...we take for granted that it is innate, and it is not.  If one has never experienced loving actions, words or deeds, one needs to be taught it.  It doesn't have to be a taboo subject, it doesn't have to be awkward, or pushy.

 

We started by talking openly about what makes someone comfortable or not, we talked about how people express affection for one another in safe and unsafe ways.  We explained about Love Languages and how to learn to recognize them, but more importantly how to offer a little of someone's preferred Love Language so they are aware of your loving feelings...even if it isn't your particular preference.  This is not to make them feel obligated to express something they may not feel, or to be something they are not.  However, it is super important to relationships to give and take a little, and we found that just by opening up the dialogue about it helped feelings be expressed.

 

We also realized we had to teach emotions, by explaining what they were feeling when they didn't have words to describe it well, and to point out the nuances and differences between, oh...say, mad and annoyed.  If things aren't modeled from infancy, it makes it harder and we parents make assumptions about what is known/understood and what is not.  We often found we were wrong in assuming certain things about the emotional lives and training of our children and we learned by trial and error.

 

All five of ours are dear to us, and having an Italian hubby we have love splattered all over the place.  We hug often, and all day long I Love You's are said...right along with grins and "You are such a dork!".  After all, we don't want to get too mushy. :-)

 

Thank you. This was very helpful! But it will be harder to actually do it, I think.  Any more specific tips?