Sherri in MI Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 she has dementia & I have no way of knowing if she really has the money to cover that check. She hasn't been managing her money well for over a year or more now. She'll get some things right and other things wrong. We don't know what happened to her savings - it's just gone. She gets very little per month from SS, she's never sent him money before - usually a gift. Her gifts were generous, but not $100, which is what the check is. I can't talk to Mom (her dementia has made her paranoid & she's not talking to me). In fact, I didn't even know where she was living until she sent the cards to my son. The return address is her friend's house, so I'm assuming she's living with her friend. I can call and find out if the friend knows if we should cash the check, but she most likely would only know what my Mom has told her, which is far from accurate. Ds really wants to cash it he rarely gets any money. My husband called the bank today to see if she has enough to cover it & they said yes, but we have no idea how many other checks she has written. Under normal circumstances I would say she would want him to have it. But the circumstances are far from normal. I just don't feel right cashing it. But I don't want to ruin her joy or his. Not that she would probably ever know if we didn't cash it. Ds is 15 & understands that she has dementia. What do you think? Did I mention that I hate dementia! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freckles Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 If I had the money in my account, I would give my son cash and explain how much his grandmother loves him. I would tear up the check my mother gave me, but tell her thank you for the gift the next time I saw her. I'm sorry you are in this difficult situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom@shiloh Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 I'm sorry. Dementia is hard. My mom has it too. She'll either forget to send my kids a birthday card or send them 5 or 6. Some of the kids get their feelings hurt a bit if they don't get one, but they're learning to understand. We usually keep all the checks from her until birthday season is over and then cash them and divide the money between all the younger children. She has plenty of money, so that's not an issue. The problem that I could see with your situation is that she's not likely to send the same amount of money to all your kids. Is that going to be hurtful to them? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 I would pay him the $100 and tear up the check. She will probably never realize it has never been cashed. This is what I am doing with a couple of checks my crazy mother sent 2 of my kids. She sent the checks to emphasize that she is not speaking to ME (classic behavior from her--she hasn't sent them birthday gifts in many years, possibly ever, and checks show up within a week of her blow up at me), I am telling the oldest and not the youngest, but neither is writing thank you notes because the checks come from her hatred of me, not her love for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 My ds is 15. I would think, since you said this is a large gift compared to what she usually gives, that it might not be the best/right thing. Your ds is old enough to understand his grandmother's issues. I would settle on half, giving him $50, tearing up the check, and having it be done. My ds would love, love, love to have $100 and may not have the best judgment in what is truly the right thing to do here. That's what I would do at my house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMamaBird Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 If she's short on cash, could you cash it, give DS $20 as her present then use the remaining $80 on groceries for Grandma? Go to visit and subtly fill up her pantry while she chats with the Grandkids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GreenKitty Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 If she's short on cash, could you cash it, give DS $20 as her present then use the remaining $80 on groceries for Grandma? Go to visit and subtly fill up her pantry while she chats with the Grandkids. This is what I think as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 I would give him $100 (or whatever the normal gift amount is if I couldn't afford $100) and tear up the check. Fifteen is old enough to understand that he can't cash the check and why. What a tough situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ajfries Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 Hmm. I would take the check to whatever bank it was drawn from (if that's an option) and try to cash it. They won't let you cash it if the money is not available. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 If you don't cash it, you need to let whoever keeps up with her checkbook know. That way they aren't waiting for it to clear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 If I had the money in my account, I would give my son cash and explain how much his grandmother loves him. I would tear up the check my mother gave me, but tell her thank you for the gift the next time I saw her. I'm sorry you are in this difficult situation. I love this idea! When my grandmother was at the stage when she wasn't keeping track of money, her driving was also getting really scary. She ended up having a really bad car accident where a relative was killed. I wished my parents had taken her keys away earlier. Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whereneverever Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 Hmm. I would take the check to whatever bank it was drawn from (if that's an option) and try to cash it. They won't let you cash it if the money is not available. I believe the concern is that she won't have money for necessities if the check is cashed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 Another vote for giving him the money yourself and tearing up the check. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freckles Posted November 18, 2013 Share Posted November 18, 2013 I love this idea! When my grandmother was at the stage when she wasn't keeping track of money, her driving was also getting really scary. She ended up having a really bad car accident where a relative was killed. I wished my parents had taken her keys away earlier. Alley That's so sad. I'm sorry your family has had to struggle with the effects of dementia. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbara H Posted November 18, 2013 Share Posted November 18, 2013 My take is a bit different on this. Mid to late teens are a time to learn to deal with some of the difficult stuff while you still have your parents' support. To just protect him from it - like give him the money - is to deny him an opportunity to learn to be empathetic or to do the right thing even if it feels lousy. In life most of us will get dealt tough stuff and it is good to deal with some disappointments before you are in the grown up and in the middle of the real thing. If you cashed the check down the road when he understands dementia better or looks at this from a different perspective if he might feel some regret or embarrassment about having taken advantage of the gift too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted November 18, 2013 Share Posted November 18, 2013 My first thought would be about other checks your mother might be writing. I'd be worried enough to want to follow up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 18, 2013 Share Posted November 18, 2013 My first thought would be about other checks your mother might be writing. I'd be worried enough to want to follow up. :iagree: Perhaps it's time for someone to start handling her finances and paying her bills for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted November 18, 2013 Share Posted November 18, 2013 My take is a bit different on this. Mid to late teens are a time to learn to deal with some of the difficult stuff while you still have your parents' support. To just protect him from it - like give him the money - is to deny him an opportunity to learn to be empathetic or to do the right thing even if it feels lousy. In life most of us will get dealt tough stuff and it is good to deal with some disappointments before you are in the grown up and in the middle of the real thing. If you cashed the check down the road when he understands dementia better or looks at this from a different perspective if he might feel some regret or embarrassment about having taken advantage of the gift too. I agree. If this was a five-year-old, I'd make it up with my own money. A 15yo is old enough to understand what's going on here and not be selfish about the situation. I'd have a talk with him about looking out for those unable to look out for themselves instead of taking advantage of their situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted November 18, 2013 Share Posted November 18, 2013 I would talk with DS about how even though this is disappointing, it would not be right to take such a large amount of money from someone with dementia. I would expect a 15 year old to understand this even if he was disappointed not to keep the money. It's not necessary to give him the money yourself, as life is full of hard knocks and we just have to learn to deal with them. If your son is short on cash, he could earn some through completing some extra household chores/projects. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
indigomama Posted November 18, 2013 Share Posted November 18, 2013 I would not cash it. Or possibly cash it so it's not hanging as an outstanding check but then put the cash back into her account. I would explain to my son that while the money would have been nice, grandma is not in a good mental place to be accountable for her financial decisions and to not make things harder on her it would not be right to take the money. He should send a note of thanks for thinking about him on his birthday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.