How do/did you find your identity outside of being MOM?

[Soror]

I need something else.  Being a mom is great but my life has had motherhood as so much the focus for the last 9 yrs that I feel lost sometimes just thinking about what I am about.  I know that likely sounds terribly selfish.  In the last 9 yrs I've been out and about less than 10 times by myself, less than 20 more probably just with my husband.  I need more but I don't know what. 

 

 I considered trying out the local book club at the library but going and not knowing anyone makes me kind of nervous and I know I will talk too much, I always do.  I do like to cook but I don't know where to take that.    I need something that is low- commitment and low energy right now but I need something!  I've always wanted to learn to quilt so I've thought about trying out the quilting club.  

 

So, how did you about finding yourself?  I haven't even had much opportunity as an adult just to be me.  I was a college student and then married and going to college.  I just worked for about 2 yrs before I had my first and I've been home since.  As a new mom I identified heavily w/ the crunchy mom set but anymore it is just something that I do but not what I am. I was out at a festival last weekend and saw the fitness crowd and well it saddened me that I don't fit there anymore either, I would like to again at some point but my energy level is too low w/ sleep dep right now. I'm pretty frugal but I just feel that is something I do, not something that I think about so much.   

 

*Disclaimer- As I said I'm running on sleep dep so my thoughts may or may not be coherent or logical, please indulge me if you can.  I'm just looking for ideas and inspiration.

[freeindeed]

Following.

[Mandy in TN]

I go to a monthly MNO. I rarely miss MNO unless I am out of town.

 

My dh and I Usually go out to dinner on Saturday night- even if it is just to Wendy's. Of course, all the boys were welcome to come or, once they hit 12yo, stay home. Still- it is about the focus and Saturday night is about us.

 

Some women exercise. Some women knit. Some women read. Some women write. Some women take photos. Some women scrapbook. Some women become really involved with church, jr league, charities, volunteer work, etc. Some women take belly dancing. :)

 

HTH-

Mandy

[mytwomonkeys]

well, being a mom is just one aspect of who i am. when they were babies, i admit my role as "mom" was definitely more consuming of my time.  it still is of course, but because they can now tend to themselves more without my constant supervision, i have hobbies that i can get back into.  one thing i enjoy is picking something new to do each year for my birthday!! depending on my kids ages & stages, as well as our finances, will determine what that looks like.  for some people, i realize a yearly *goal* may feel more like a burden, but i really enjoy this!  for example, at age 37, i learned to knit; i started running when i was 38 & even did a few half marathons (i couldn't run a 1/4 mile when i started). at 39 i learned to play the recorder. at age 40, i bought a brother sewing machine & started sewing. i didn't even know what a bobbin was when i began, lol (and i'm actually quite good!!! who knew!!)  at 41, i started painting just for fun (i bought myself water colors and brushes - the whole deal :) ), and now at 42, i'm focused on pinterest crafts every week, lol.   i think just picking something and trying it for fun is the best place to start! it doesn't mean you have to stay with it forever, but keep giving yourself the gift of experience.  my husband and i just went zip lining for fun. i've never done it before & i'll probably never do it again. but it was fun!! in my future i plan to run a marathon when i'm 45. my kids will be old enough that i can really focus on training then, regardless of my husband's schedule.  i doubt i'll do it more than once, lol, but it's just something on my list i'd like to check off.  i hope you find something, no matter how small or big, that you can treat yourself too & enjoy!! :)

[rieshy]

It doesn't sound selfish at all.  My husband and I both tend to think that developing yourself adds to your marriage (it gives you something else to talk about rather than just the kids and finances) and models life-long learning and mental health for the kids.  

 

When my oldest were younger than yours I did a lot of gardening as a way to keep busy while watching the kids play outside-plus they could help, when they were your children's current ages I started knitting- that eventually led to spinning and weaving and eventually being part of a guild.     Fast forward a few years and I got into writing a blog and studying German and a few more years and less sleep deprivation I started working out mornings at a gym.  

 

I still do the textiles but not as much, mostly I do portable projects that keep me from going crazy (or talking too much) when I'm sitting watching my boys do their martial arts classes. I still study German pretty intensively and work out in the a.m. with my teenagers.   I started mixed martial arts last Spring and have fallen head over heels in love with it.  

 

The only thing that I would recommend is dabble about and find something that fits in with your current life and your family (as opposed to your imaginary perfect life and perfect family) and doesn't require a great initial outlay of cash that will make you feel guilty if you don't keep it up.  I dabbled at quite a few odds and ends that I didn't find rewarding for me- or were too stressful.  

 

In the future when my youngest is a bit older I plan on auditing courses at the University where my husband works because I can take one a semester for free.  Good luck and I hope you enjoy the process.

[FaithManor]

I was a professional pianist prior to marriage and family and continued performing off and on, along with running a music studio and music therapy business before homeschooling completely took over my life. Currently, I work three Saturdays per month, plus special sales days, and oversee end of year inventory counts at a quilt store. So, I kind of had an identity that was not attached to motherhood or marriage before hubby and kids, and was fortunate to maintain some of that after marriage. Since I'm not doing a lot with music, though I did do a benefit concert for a crisis pregnancy center this past December, the quilt store gig gives me an outlet though it's a real temptation not to spend all of my earnings on quilt fabric because I LOVE quilting. In terms of my relationship with dh, I'm pretty sure this has been a good thing. He knows I am with him because I adore him and want to be here, not because I have no other economic options. When the last kiddo graduates, I will either go back to my professional music career, or work full time for the quilt store. I haven't decided which...the money for what I do in music is much better, but the quilt store is much lower stress.

 

My mom always worked in some capacity as office manager or accountant for my dad's business...even when we were babies. Playpen and mobile in the office and we went along, or grandma would keep us for a few hours; she always worked with dad and still does. Additionally, she was a master seamstress and took in tailoring, sewed a ton of clothes for me and my sister, taught sewing and cooking to groups of students at a private school, and dabbled in oil painting. So, maintaining outside interests is probably a habit that I took from her.

 

My paternal grandmother, while a full time SAH parent, still maintained a huge array of interests. She raised irises - more than 50 hybrids  - roses, African violets, and hydrangea and sold bulbs or starts. She made several hundred dollars every summer. She also took in sewing/tailoring and did a little catering here and there. She was a very creative person and often made new curtains, table linens, bed skirts, quilts, baby blankets, you name it. When she died, she had made sure she had a high school graduation afghan crocheted for each of her great -grandchildren plus a few extras in case more came along. Because of that, my great-niece will have a blanket from her great-great grandmother and if dd and hubby do not have more than three children, there will be a baby quilt for each one of their children. I think that was a very special goal for grandma to achieve.

 

My closest homeschooling friend also teaches quilting and wool-working classes at a quilt store. She admits that prior to that, her quilting just at home was not quite enough to recharge her batteries and getting out of the house, away from the family for a few hours each week to do something meaningful to her has helped tremendously.

.

[Orthodox6]

I never lost my identity.  I just enlarged it.

[bobbeym]

I read for enjoyment as much as I'm able: crime fiction, historical romance, fan fics online; whatever catches my fancy at the time.

 

I'm also very active in our church.  I participate in the women's ministry quarterly events, make a 12-week commitment 2x/yr for a small group session, and volunteer weekly as a youth leader.

 

Our homeschool group has MNOs once a month, and while we do talk about mom/school stuff, it's a time to just kick back and relax without expectations.

 

I try to get out at least twice a month with my best girlfriend and/or DIL to just hang out and do girly things.  We'll window shop the mall, get a mani/pedi together, grab a meal or coffee and just chat about whatever comes up.

[Alenee]

As the kids grew, I was able to do more on my own but it wasn't until my eldest was old enough to stay home with her siblings. About the time my youngest was 4yo, I began taking cake decorating classes and quickly had people who wanted to hire me for a custom cake. I also began running shortly after that which gave me time outside the house. Volunteering at a soup kitchen was also something I was able to do once a month. Now that the kids are between 9-14yo, I've starting working outside the home in the evenings. While all of these activities were good for me, none of them defined me. I like having something I do where I am 'Alenee', not always 'Mom', BUT, I am realizing with the job, I miss my family time and it breaks my heart a little each time I miss something with them or haven't had time to prepare dinner before I leave for work. It's easy to become a little discouraged when you stay home full time AND homeschool, but remember, it's a season.

 

With the season you're in, I'd see if maybe you can get out for half an hour a day for a walk by yourself. And then as time goes by, add something more.

[Miss Marple]

I think it's all about seasons.  Because you homeschool and are with your kids all day, being "Mom" is your identity - at least that's how the majority of people will see you.  As my boys got older I was able to do more outside the home and that helped a lot.  Now I'm just Mrs. X who volunteers at the free health clinic, landlord, etc. and "did you know she homeschooled all her boys?".  

 

If you can get some time alone, find something you enjoy doing.  I would suggest getting out and mixing with others who are not in the same position as you (not homeschooling, not stay at home moms, etc.) and you will find that you will have an identity among that group that is different from the one you have at home or in your homeschool circles.  

 

I found over the years that the things I talked about when among other people were what identified me.  If I talked about homeschooling among a non-homeschool group, I was identified as the "homeschool mom".  If I talked about my experience as a pharmacist, I was identified as the "pharmacist who is staying home with her kids and homeschooling them".  If I talked about my husband's profession, I was "Dr. X's wife".  I had to figure out what I wanted to be known for and work that angle :)

[SailorMom]

I agree about seasons.  Embrace the one you're in as well as you can :)  It can be so hard, though.

I only have two, so it is different, of course, but they were very close together and for many years all I had the energy to be was MOM.  As they got older, I branched out a bit:  I became Cub Scout, homeschool, and Soccer Mom, lol.  I was the mom "who liked to teach science".  I became CubMaster and became the "mom who can handle all those kids".  :) 

Really though, I started reading more as I got the chance, I started getting back in to studying religious history, DH and I went out together more, I learned to sew, learned to sail, etc. 

Start small.  Pick something you want to learn about, maybe, and just start reading library books for a few minutes a day as you can.  You don't have to DO anything to find yourself again - it's all in your head anyway.  Really - you're in there.  You never left.  You're just sleep deprived.  You're getting older and time is going by without you having a chance to meet who you're becoming, and so you may not always recognize the 'you' that's up in there. 

Remember - this may feel like forever now, but it isn't.  In a few years, when your baby is a toddler or preschooler, you'll have far more time to dig into yourself more. 

:grouphug:

[Soror]

OH, lots of good thoughts here.  I know a lot of it is mental but I also know that I have to have something else to focus on.  I need to have some time to myself and with one who is physically attached to me so much it makes me feel claustrophobic at times.  I know that I don't want anything big but something.  I think it is good to think about just trying a few things.

 

 I did go rock climbing at an indoor gym a few months ago and absolutely LOVED IT but unfortunately it is 2 hrs away(there are none closer and no good outdoor climbing locally).  I was ready to sign up the whole family if it was closer.  I'd love to do that more but I think considering everything(cost, distance and schedules) every few months is all we could manage there.  I have been reading more lately and that has definitely been enriching.  As we live in a rural area it is harder as there aren't as many options but I know there must be things out there.

 

I used to have a MNO once a month but that kind of fell away but I just talked to my bff and we put a few nights out scheduled and hopefully that works out.  

[Soror]

n.  You don't have to DO anything to find yourself again - it's all in your head anyway.  Really - you're in there.  You never left.  You're just sleep deprived.  You're getting older and time is going by without you having a chance to meet who you're becoming, and so you may not always recognize the 'you' that's up in there. 

 

:grouphug:

You nailed it here.  I'm having a pro-longed "third-life" crisis (I'm too young for a mid-life crisis :) ).  

 

I am trying to enjoy my time w/ the littles and I think that I am much more able to do so now that I kind of know what I'm doing and it is easier in that way.  Knowing it is fleeting makes it more precious as well.  But wanting another identity is really a separate thing for me.  I think I need *more* to be a better wife and mother.  I've always valued my sanity and I realized that I really need to change some things up here.  I am loving hs'ing, really I do and I don't want to change that either.  

[Camelfeet]

I decided a while ago that I didn't want to be a martyr for motherhood.  My interests and entertainment shouldn't always be on the back burner.  I told myself its okay to ditch the kids pretty regularly to do fun things with other adults.  I agree that its hard to be anything but mom when the kids are small, but now that my oldest is able to stay home alone for short periods I have a lot more flexibility.  I've also only got 2 ...

 

I play a sport, I volunteer, I go on dates, I run a forum, I play games, I travel.  I go out at least once a week in the evening with friends and meet at least a couple times a week with other friends for coffee.  Homeschooling and mothering takes up the biggest part of my time but its not who I am.  I'd say just start doing something you are interested in that doesn't involve the kids.       

[Miss Mousie]

I haven't even had much opportunity as an adult just to be me.  I was a college student and then married and going to college.  I just worked for about 2 yrs before I had my first and I've been home since.

 

What was your college major?  What classes really thrilled you?  What ideas do you feel were "left undone" - that you are not finished exploring?  What work did you do upon graduation?

 

Mull over these things and see if you can grab a lead.  :) 

[ailysh]

When my second DD was born, I would just leave to go on walks around the neighborhood. I felt like if I had to spend another minute in the house, I'd burst! The neighborhood walks, by myself (DH would watch the girls), happened whenever I needed it. In the evening when DH would get home, or on the weekends. No phone, no I-pod, just me and silence. Bliss. The exercise was just an added bonus.

 

It sounds like you may need to get out more. Do you have any girlfriends you can call to grab some coffee? You were considering the book club. Go for it. Not knowing anybody shouldn't deter you, its a great way to meet like-minded people (or even not-like-minded people). You can always stop if you don't like it, but I have a feeling that you will like it. Taking time for yourself will make you a better mother. I always come back from it with a fresh appreciation for my children. It makes me happy that I miss them! :laugh:

 

Hang in there! I totally relate to how you feel!

[Guest inoubliable]

Hobbies.

 

Don't refer to yourself as "mom" or "mommy". Don't ask the kids "Can you hand that to mommy?". Say "Can you hand that to *me*". Don't have your DH refer to you as "mom". You're not his mom. I've known quite a few women who would refer to their partner as mom/dad in normal household conversation and then were annoyed later in life when their spouse would call them "mom" or "dad" after the kids left home. 

 

Get out of the house and spend time with other adults. 

 

 

[JennifersLost]

It's not selfish at all; it's real. No one is happy being just one thing.

 

If your kids are small, then start small. You're on the right track; pick a hobby, take a class, do a "group". And be prepared to try a bunch of things before you hit on the thing that sticks.

 

Think of it this way: whatever you allow yourself to do you are also giving your kids permission to do when they are adults. So if you are a mom who has terrific hobbies and a fantastic social life, then you are allowing your kids to be great parents who have hobbies and social lives. Kids and family don't always come first. THey're just part of the big picture.

[arnold]

My kids are still young, the oldest is only 9.  So, three mornings a week I run with a small group.  We all have kids so we get up before the sun and go for a run.  It's my time to relax my brain and just enjoy what I'm doing.  I'm home before the kids wake up, and I have the whole day to whatever else needs to get done that day.  On the days I don't run, I wake up early and workout with weights in my house, again no kids just me.

[Dandelion]

Because of my pre-kid life (college, full-time career for 14 years before my first child was born, etc.) my identity was firmly established.  I never felt like I lost it, but I have struggled with finding a balance once "mom" became part of my identity too.

 

For me, I've found that I need both time alone and with other adults (aside from DH) on a regular basis in order to stay sane.  

 

Some of the ways I currently make that happen:

- meet with friends for coffee/lunch/dinner at least once every other week (weekly, if I can fit it into my schedule)

- nonprofit board leadership and volunteer work (includes moderating two support groups every month and going to community events)

- one kid-free afternoon every week that I can do with whatever I want (my mom watches the kids) 

 

Previously, I've:

- run a part-time web-based business

- did freelance consulting related to my previous work

- organized a women's social group on Meetup (which was a fantastic way to meet and befriend many interesting people)

- taken classes

 

As others have said, just being around other adults who relate to you as "you" (not so-and-so's mom) is key.  Start small with something that is fairly easy to fit into your schedule, and then stick with it for awhile.   In time, you'll discover other interests and opportunities as a result of taking that first step.

[Karen in CO]

Growing up, I always admired my mom because she was a terrific mom.  Once I became and adult, I vowed I would never be a mom like her.  She put all of herself into us.  We grew up, and she was left without an identity.  

 

Although there are seasons in life where it seems the best we can do to define ourselves is take a walk alone or read a book for our own pleasure, we have to make sure we do that.  Among all of the other things we are, we're also examples to our kids.  I decided early on in motherhood that I would make myself into the kind of woman that would be a good example for my kids.

 

 I am an intelligent and interesting person.  I work hard to stay that way.  Find something small that you can do - even if it scares you.   Then do it.  Follow through.  Make the commitment to your future-self that you will still be there for her.  You'll be a little bit healthier, a little bit braver, a little bit better informed, and maybe a little bit more.

[G5052]

The isolation of being a SAHM can be very draining. 

 

I went back to work one evening a week when my oldest was a year old, and that has been my sanity-keeper all-along.  I'm not a musician or crafty type, and homemaking only takes so much time. And we've needed the income more and more.

[KungFuPanda]

I did nothing until my youngest was 4, then I dabbled in rec. classes that had a distinct beginning and end to their sessions. . . yoga, ballet, etc. This was where I happened upon my first bellydance class. I was hooked and did it for years. I even started teaching after several years. What started as a hobby turned into an income-generating activity. So, I say find your passion, then follow it. It's good for you AND your family.

[Joyofsixreboot]

I go running. All by myself. At which time I listen to what I want and think what I want without interruption. I also do yoga. I tried some groups but they weren't for me.

[regentrude]

For me, it was going back to work part time. I was suffering from serious depression and was miserable after four years of being a SAHM, which definitely had to do with feeling as "just" mom and not having my own identity. I was SO much happier almost instantly, and it has been good for the entire family.

I am an extrovert, so taking a walk or reading a book did not help against the oppressing feeling of loneliness. I needed people, and I needed to be appreciated by people. I did spend a lot of time writing during that last year I was home, but the writing only helped me as a tool to recognize what was wrong and what I needed to do; it was not the activity that could have fixed the problem.

 

 

[texasmama]

I have been happier when I've worked part-time. I was at home full-time for about seven years. I'm an extrovert so those were lonely years. I don't regret being at home full-time, but I am glad that those days are past. Many days I just clawed my way to bedtime.

[Soror]

I'm more of an introvert. The idea of working outside the home is not drawing me at all right now, it would be a huge stress right now to add another obligation. I feel I need some mental stimulation and to talk to adults. I want to try something and be creative.

 

I started thinking about how I identify myself and realized I wasn't sure. I can only think of things I do. My brain has been so busy taking care of things to do. Suddenly I realized that I hadn't hardly even given much thought to what I even liked or wanted.

 

I had another aha moment w/ clothes all of a sudden. Although I try to look nice and try to take care of myself I realized that as of late I hadn't been. I had this vision of myself on the way to mom jeans.

 

On my to calendar I have- 2 girls nights scheduled, one for this month and next and another date w/ dh, 2 in one month might be a record here :) I'm still considering what I want to do. I'm thinking of the quilting group or maybe a drawing and painting class. I found a drawing class locally that is ongoing but I'd have to figure out childcare until dh's schedule lightens up.

[PeacefulChaos]

Long story short - I started running, signed up for a 5k, decided to go to Thailand (having never been out of the country before and not even having a passport yet, and having NO IDEA how I would pay for the trip), got a job or two, and decided to get LASIK.  I decided on all that in May.

In September, I ran 2 5ks, paid off my trip to Thailand, and got the LASIK.  I still love running, am totally excited for my trip, and love the fact that I can see.  :lol:

We'll see what happens come February, once the trip is over.  I'll find something new to work toward.

[Soror]

PeacefulChaos = WTG You!

 

I was just telling dh last night that I really want to move travel up as a higher priority. It is something we both love, yet have done so little. I know we would both rather forgo many things in order to travel more it is just a matter of aligning those priorities w/ our practices and making some goals.