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[alisoncooks]

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Edited July 27, 2022 by alisoncooks

[Ravin]

Just like with hitting, I'd place it on immediate time out status. Patience and consistency are a must. Eventually she'll learn to think before she speaks, just as a child who hits learns to use words instead.

[MinivanMom]

I very patiently and consistently correct it. I ask her how she would feel if I (or a sibling or friend) spoke to her that way. I make her repeat her words in a "kind" tone of voice. I model how to speak in a quiet, kind way, and I point out the differences between my speech and hers. This is my slow-to-warm yet very passionate child. She feels things very strongly and isn't always aware of how it might come across to others. She has required a lot of direct instruction in how to communicate and in being aware of other people's perceptions and feelings. The most improvement has come with age as she is better able to see things from the perspective of others. We are slowly getting there.

 

 

[jewellsmommy]

I give my dc one chance to re-state their statement or question in an acceptable manner. I ask "excuse me, did I hear that correctly?" or I say "I suggest you restate that." in a calm manner. If I am again met with attitude then I will tell dc  "take a break because you need to calm down/collect yourself/re-think what you need to say. I do not speak to you that way and I will not tolerate being spoken to that way, When you can speak properly, then you may come get me/find me and we will continue." We will do this as many times as it takes. Ds has made a single conversation take over an hour because I refused to continue a conversation where he is yelling at me or speaking ugly.

 

If it goes on too long then I will tell my dc that I am about to walk away from the conversation and that if I do then they lose their say and I will then give out consequences with whatever facts are on hand.  If they want to be heard then they will get on board fast.

 

If they are speaking ugly in a situation where an end to the conversation has been established, then we go to our discipline. We remove an animal magnet from their board. They start each day with 5 and each one correlates to a privilege. Such that you must have all 5 in order to use my tablet or the computer. They must have at least 4 in order to use the game system, etc.

 

 

[Peaceful Isle]

These posts contain great advice!

I am probably an extra strict mom when it comes to everyone in the family talking nicely to each other. My oldest is quick to anger, and it literally took years to finally put an end to it. Mind you, it was not all the time. Just once or twice a month maybe. I think consistency is the key to learning, with anything. :) Just try to be consistent in your punishments, and she will see you are not budging. Kids are smarter than we think. She will soon figure out that momma isn't going to let this slide anymore.

Hugs to you, and all the best wishes in you helping your daughter.

[PeterPan]

1--"Oh, you must need hugs!" and immediate hug.

 

2--"You're hungry.  Here, eat."

 

3--You need a nap.

 

Not saying I disagree with the other approaches, just that there can be those sort of worn out, hungry, need a nap issues going on underneath too.  It was JW who taught us about that in her convention talks.  If you've never heard her talk or SWB's (they're the same outline) on homeschooling the 2nd time, you might like to get it.  I think her version of the list to solve everything was: you need a shower, you need a sandwich, go take a walk, take a nap.  Usually by the end of the sequence, whatever the issue was was solved.  I think it was in responsible to global meltdowns or something, lol.  Just think, she's only 7. It gets harder!  :D

 

Other things I would do that have nothing to do with showers, food, and naps?  If you're christian, I would get her in the morning with some peaceful Bible time, read an appropriate verse, and pray over her.  Truly, there can never be too much praying over our children, and sometimes they need that peaceful time together to get them on track and set the tone for the day and help them get into their peaceful spot.  Two, I would be reflective personally and see if there's anything in your schedule or dynamic that is setting it off.  Does she have SN?  I can't remember.  And three, I would make CRAZY SURE everything she's watching on tv features people speaking kindly, since that's what she's likely to imitate.  Cartoons are so NASTY and vile these days sometimes.  I yank all kinds of stuff for people not talking nicely to each other.  I'd definitely screen there.  Little Bear is good, with people who talk nicely to each other.

[mom2bee]

Have you got any of those books that target specific, bad behaviors? Assuming this is just a bad habit/knee-jerk reaction and that she isn't being mean on purpose, or choosing her words with the intention of hurting others, I would try training her out of this habit just like with anything else.

 

I would get a few of those type books and be sure to read through them with her a few times a week. Talk about which of her constant refrains are unkind and why. When she does it, point out to her "7yo daughter, you are using unkind words. Rephrase that in a kinder way."

Focus on just 2 or 3 of her harsh constant refrains at a time. Role play some various situations and help her find new words and phrases to use that express the same ideas but without harshness. Explain to her that her tongue is a tool that isn't to be used as a weapon against others and point out that when she is harsh she is in fact using her tongue as a weapon.

 

If this is done in a more mean-spirited way, then I might try a stricter disciplinary approach followed by a punitive one, depending on the child and how they react to discipline and what sort of punishments worked best.

[mom@shiloh]

My youngest had/has issues with this.  She's 8 now and it's getting much better.  We used many of the approaches brought up here and certainly I would speak to a child about it, model appropriate behavior, have her role play using kinder words, pray with her, etc.  But I also began putting a drop or two of vinegar on her tongue when she used sharp or unkind words.  I would talk about how the bitter taste was like her bitter words.  She seemed to need the concrete example.

[mathmarm]

My parents would tell us not to do something the first time, offer a reminder and/or an alternative the second time and then smack us when we disobeyed or 'forgot' as my brother was wont to do quite often.

(We had a 1-2-3 You're Out type policy at home.)

 

It depends on the individual kid whether such a policy would work for or against your agenda though.

[Taryn Schnugh]

How would you help a Christian mommy who struggles with the exact same thing. Sharp tongue and quick to anger...

[SweetMissMagnolia]

sounds like my 10yr old ds......UGH.....and I know good an well he got it from the genetic code he got from my dna LOL I was the same was as a child......

[happypamama]

I'd give her some more pleasant phrases to use to express frustration in a gentler way, and I'd immediately help her rescript it. "DD, use a different way to say that." Sometimes they just need actual help to realize that they need to adjust their tones, or a reminder to take a deep breath and try again. I also second the advice to see if she needs a hug, food, or rest.

[PeterPan]

How would you help a Christian mommy who struggles with the exact same thing. Sharp tongue and quick to anger...

 

 

1--"Oh, you must need hugs!" and immediate hug.

 

2--"You're hungry.  Here, eat."

 

3--You need a nap.

 

Not saying I disagree with the other approaches, just that there can be those sort of worn out, hungry, need a nap issues going on underneath too.  It was JW who taught us about that in her convention talks.  If you've never heard her talk or SWB's (they're the same outline) on homeschooling the 2nd time, you might like to get it.  I think her version of the list to solve everything was: you need a shower, you need a sandwich, go take a walk, take a nap.  Usually by the end of the sequence, whatever the issue was was solved.  I think it was in responsible to global meltdowns or something, lol.  Just think, she's only 7. It gets harder!   :D

 

Other things I would do that have nothing to do with showers, food, and naps?  If you're christian, I would get her in the morning with some peaceful Bible time, read an appropriate verse, and pray over her.  Truly, there can never be too much praying over our children, and sometimes they need that peaceful time together to get them on track and set the tone for the day and help them get into their peaceful spot.  Two, I would be reflective personally and see if there's anything in your schedule or dynamic that is setting it off.  Does she have SN?  I can't remember.  And three, I would make CRAZY SURE everything she's watching on tv features people speaking kindly, since that's what she's likely to imitate.  Cartoons are so NASTY and vile these days sometimes.  I yank all kinds of stuff for people not talking nicely to each other.  I'd definitely screen there.  Little Bear is good, with people who talk nicely to each other.

Not to be trite, but I would ask yourself if there's anything physical setting you off, like not getting enough sleep (btdt!), needing to eat, that sort of thing.  JW's advice applies even to us.  Sometimes we need to put ourselves in time-out so we can recover.  Sometimes we're trying too hard (in our own strength) and need to go watch a movie and let things ride for a bit.  Sometimes we're over-hungry, over-tired, and over-stressed.

 

Just in general though, the rest of that is what applies.  When you take the time to read your Bible and find your peaceful spot, it puts you in a better place to go through the day.  We don't have to be perfect to live sincere, honest, transparent lives with our kids, but we should be growing, confessing, and telling the truth.  You have to apologize, every time, just like you (hopefully) make your kids do.    I've been reading this little book lately that I think is worth your time (or anyone's time).  http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_20?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=what+do+i+know+about+my+god&sprefix=what+do+i+know+about%2Caps%2C367  It's just that encouragement to spend more time in the Word.  You might find her ideas for keeping a reflection journal help you slow down a bit and maximize your little bit of time (if you've been feeling time-crunched).

 

PS.  Also find an older woman in the church to talk with, hear her stories, and let her hold you accountable.

[AimeeM]

Around that age, we started "re-do". After Miss Sharp Tongue/Cheeky/Back-talk came to visit, parent calmly replied "re-do!" (cheerfully) - this gave her an opportunity to stop, think, and restate, whatever it was, in a kinder tone (or with different words). It actually worked well :) When she took too long to "re-do", I assumed she was struggling, and I "gave her words" (and a tone), which she was expected to repeat.

[Tracy]

Managing tone of voice is a very high-level skill.  It will take a lot of time and patience.  I would practice doing role plays at times when she is not being sharp-tongued.  I would make sure and have someone other than her play the sharp-tongued part so that she could hear what it sounds like to others.  I would also have her say the same thing in both ways so she can feel and hear the difference in her own voice.  I might even record her and play it back to her.  

[alisoncooks]

.

Thank you!

Edited July 27, 2022 by alisoncooks

[OneStepAtATime]

You might consider reading Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen.  While some passages I didn't agree with or felt would not work in my family, overall it was quite enlightening and helped me to reconnect with my youngest especially when he was going through a difficult period in his life and behaving abominably (for him).  There are certain passages that just opened my eyes with Ah Ha! moments of understanding about specific behavior issues and how to deal with them.  The best part is that 99% of the time, it works.  In fact, it also helps with personal perspective about our own behavior as parents and what may be missing or not working for us as well.

[Soror]

Not to be trite, but I would ask yourself if there's anything physical setting you off, like not getting enough sleep (btdt!), needing to eat, that sort of thing.  JW's advice applies even to us.  Sometimes we need to put ourselves in time-out so we can recover.  Sometimes we're trying too hard (in our own strength) and need to go watch a movie and let things ride for a bit.  Sometimes we're over-hungry, over-tired, and over-stressed.

 

Just in general though, the rest of that is what applies.  When you take the time to read your Bible and find your peaceful spot, it puts you in a better place to go through the day.  We don't have to be perfect to live sincere, honest, transparent lives with our kids, but we should be growing, confessing, and telling the truth.  You have to apologize, every time, just like you (hopefully) make your kids do.    I've been reading this little book lately that I think is worth your time (or anyone's time).  http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_20?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=what+do+i+know+about+my+god&sprefix=what+do+i+know+about%2Caps%2C367  It's just that encouragement to spend more time in the Word.  You might find her ideas for keeping a reflection journal help you slow down a bit and maximize your little bit of time (if you've been feeling time-crunched).

 

PS.  Also find an older woman in the church to talk with, hear her stories, and let her hold you accountable.

LOL, why yes I do need a nap!

 

I've noticed my girls, dd6 especially, have not been speaking the most respectably lately. I know I am not setting the best example as I'm just feeling wore out as of late. I'm working on myself and we are practicing the re-do, the consistency is hard when you are tired but it helps little when your not.