Hey! That person is making different parenting decisions! Someone call CPS!

[Heather in Neverland]

A man speaks out on the Mommy wars.

 

He is my new favorite blogger: http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/08/11/hey-that-person-is-making-different-parenting-decisions-someone-call-cps/

 

 

[Murphy101]

I've been reading him lately too.

 

My favorite line:

 

It takes a village to raise your child? No. It takes you to raise your child. The village needs to mind it’s own damned business. As for whose “side†I’m on: I’m on the side of moms who love their kids and are doing what they need to do to care for them. Period.

And I give a hearty "You tell 'em!" to that.

[Farrar]

The anti-"it takes a village" line was actually the only part I didn't like.  I think we all need more community support, not less, though that particular phrase is just fraught with land mines and differing assumptions and I think everyone on both sides needs to stop using it.

 

Otherwise, yeah, totally, right on.

[Heather in Neverland]

The anti-"it takes a village" line was actually the only part I didn't like.  I think we all need more community support, not less, though that particular phrase is just fraught with land mines and differing assumptions and I think everyone on both sides needs to stop using it.

 

Otherwise, yeah, totally, right on.

 

I can see your point. On the one hand, community support would make raising kids a lot easier. Unfortunately, it rarely comes in the form of "support" but rather judgment, ridicule, etc. 

[Farrar]

I can see your point. On the one hand, community support would make raising kids a lot easier. Unfortunately, it rarely comes in the form of "support" but rather judgment, ridicule, etc. 

 

That hasn't actually been my experience at all.  To me, the whole reason to join a church, to have a homeschool support group, to meet my neighbors, to vote, to engage in civic activities and discourse, to be a part of a community, of several communities, is to get support - support for my life, for my kids, etc.  And while I have encountered the judgment, the ridicule, etc. at various times, I've been blessed to find good communities and to be able to carve out good ones as well.  I find when people ridicule the idea of "the village" that they're ridiculing things I need, like to have people to recommend a pediatrician, people to babysit, other kids for my kids to play with, teachers who can teach my kids, coaches who can coach them, etc.

 

But I think the phrase is just full of different assumptions, as I said.  Some people think "the village" means "the government" and many people think it only means "busybodies" or even "all the people I hate."  So I think it should go.  But I find people acting like I can raise my kids in a vacuum without any support supremely unhelpful.  And I didn't see it as connected to the larger point in the blog post.  He's saying that people should stop being so judgmental and let parents make their own choices.  For me, the whole reason to do that is so we can live in peace.  In our various communities.  And stop being so torn down by each other.

[KathyBC]

Loved that.

[SunnyDays]

I gotta start reading this blog. :)

 

And I too agree we need more community, more support... But yes, that particular phrase rubs me the wrong way, too much baggage, I think. How about, "Can't we all just support each other, or at least get along?" Not as catchy, I confess... ;)

[Tammi K]

I think we all need more community support, not less, ...

 

Hmmmm, not sure what you mean by we all need  more community support.

 

I certainly don't have a problem if others want more community support, but I don't need more.  What exactly did you mean?

 

*Edited because I realized this sounded snotty and I didn't mean for it to. I'm really curious about what and why you think this.

 

[Harriet Vane]

:thumbup1:

[bettyandbob]

Community support is good. Community support to me means we all know each other a little bit and will look out.

 

At the school bus stop there are two buses that pick up. One child gets on the first bus and about 15 dc get on the second. The one dc mom is never at the stop, but the girl has missed the bus a few times. Always , two mothers stay in the vicinity of the stop after all the scare picked up until the mother comes by the stop in her car her way to wherever. She could be other way to drop her younger dc at preschool. No one tells the mom her dc shouldn't be at the bus stop alone. The other moms just watch until the girl is safely connected with her own mother. The first time this happened the girl was asked if she wanted her mother to be called. After missing the bus about 4 times the gilseems to be getting to the stop onetime, but the first two weeks of school were dicey. The moms who waited were part of the village many of you so despise.

 

I got a feel of the village last week if you read any of the posts about my ds. Although I like community, I've felt alone and didn't realize I had a little community until a few people stepped up and let me know.

 

If I am on the playground and I see a dc injured, I think my part in the village is to assess how injured and help contact the parent. Sometimes a child will show up to a community/school event that requires money which he has forgotten. I have always witnessed an adult step forward to lend the money. I ve not always had the money to do this, but it's nice to keep so e me small from being left out.

 

When dc are older and out and about on their own, it's actually helpful that they see adults they know and rethink the next thing they were going to do because seeing mrs. smith (or Casey's mom) reminded them maybe activity XYZ is not a good idea. The child doesn't even need to talk to Mrs. Smith, just seeing her jogs his brain back to "this isn't a good idea". Or maybe Mrs.Smith does stop and talk to the child as I did once when a group of boys were engaged in "street luge", laying down on their skateboards with no safety gear and going down a steep hill just t a time when traffic was picking up because it was rush hour. They were not really visible,low to the ground as they were, to drivers.

 

These are things that happen in a village. Some of you want to be disconnected. If you want to be disconnected you can't be upset when yourdc falls off her bike and no one even stops to offer to call her home.

[MyThreeSons]

I've never been much of a blog reader, but I have enjoyed several of this guy's writings. I first heard of him when someone posted about this: Dear parents, you need to control your kids. Sincerely, non-parents. I thought I was going to hate it, based on the title, but it was spot-on.

[bettyandbob]

I will add that bing part of the village does not mean being judgmental fairly harmless decisions. You have to have some sense where to draw the line. There always one member of the village who has no sense, but i will do my best to block him out while i accept the support of others.

 

Not my business

Adults/older teens having piercings and tattoos

Children running barefoot

8 year old riding bikes without parent

 

My business

2 year old wondering street alone (I see a toddler I look for a parent nearby)

Risky/dangerous behavior see street luge example in previous post

Criminal activity we had a boy who frequently vandalized property, started small fires, let air out of tires. He maynot be doing anything to my property but i wil act to protect my neighbors.

 

I think the village is for all of us, not just children. For some reason I can't link the story, but there is a story this week about a Dairy Queen manager who stood up for a customer with a disability this week is the perfect example. The manager had no responsibility to do anything but he did. I I'll try to get the link later.

[BigMamaBird]

Yes!  Yes!  A thousand times, yes!! 

 

"It takes a village to raise your child? No. It takes you to raise your child. The village needs to mind it’s own d@mned business."

 

Finally found a signature line!

[Jen in NY]

I really liked this guy up until I read his 'atheists are the ruin of the scientific world' post. Oh well, at least he's got it right about breastfeeding moms.

Ditto.

 

I think I am going to use it as an object lesson and try to adjust my own patterns of thinking. Whom do I judge just because I assume things about them based on one known facet of their life?

 

But yeah. Ouch.

[unsinkable]

I will add that bing part of the village does not mean being judgmental fairly harmless decisions. You have to have some sense where to draw the line. There always one member of the village who has no sense, but i will do my best to block him out while i accept the support of others.

 

Not my business

Adults/older teens having piercings and tattoos

Children running barefoot

8 year old riding bikes without parent

 

My business

2 year old wondering street alone (I see a toddler I look for a parent nearby)

Risky/dangerous behavior see street luge example in previous post

Criminal activity we had a boy who frequently vandalized property, started small fires, let air out of tires. He maynot be doing anything to my property but i wil act to protect my neighbors.

 

I think the village is for all of us, not just children. For some reason I can't link the story, but there is a story this week about a Dairy Queen manager who stood up for a customer with a disability this week is the perfect example. The manager had no responsibility to do anything but he did. I I'll try to get the link later.

I googled Dairy Queen defends disabled and got this article:

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/19/joey-prusak-dairy-queen-minnesota-good-deed_n_3957370.html

 

 

MINNEAPOLIS — Joey Prusak was appalled when he saw a customer at the suburban Minneapolis Dairy Queen store where he works pick up someone else's $20 bill and slip it into her purse.

 

So when the woman got up to the counter to order, Prusak refused to serve her unless she returned the money. When the woman refused, the 19-year-old store manager went a step further: He gave the visually impaired customer who hadn't realized he'd dropped the money $20 out of his own pocket.

 

 

 

What a wonderful man!

[JustEm]

I feel like it depends on what your interpretation of village is in that saying.  I interpret village as extended family because I have a huge extended family that is there for everyone else when its needed.  Of course I don't take the saying literally.  I could certainly raise my children without the village but it makes those difficult days of motherhood so much easier to be able to call my sister and vent or drop my kids off with my mil because I need and hour break or so. 

[Farrar]

Hmmmm, not sure what you mean by we all need more community support.

 

I certainly don't have a problem if others want more community support, but I don't need more. What exactly did you mean?

 

*Edited because I realized this sounded snotty and I didn't mean for it to. I'm really curious about what and why you think this.

Unless you're living on a homestead in the middle of nowhere, doing everything for yourself that you possibly can, I think we all need community in various ways. I get that Americans are rugged individualists and all that, but we need others to provide services and people who show basic human kindness when others are injured or when there's a crisis. We're built to be communal beings. When I have more people around me who I can trust in various ways - people who aren't judgmental about my parenting, for example - then my life is easier. I think the blogger was right that it's perhaps harder to be a parent now, but if that's true, then part of the reason is that there's less community, people trust their neighbors less, fear for their kids' safety more as a result, and generally struggle to find help when they need it.

 

Some people may have all that already - I feel like perhaps I almost do. But I recognize that I'm lucky, that most parents feel constantly like they have to do it all but they can't.

[Hikin' Mama]

Thanks for sharing this, Heather! I'm adding him to the list of blogs I read.

[bettyandbob]

I googled Dairy Queen defends disabled and got this article:

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/19/joey-prusak-dairy-queen-minnesota-good-deed_n_3957370.html

 

 

MINNEAPOLIS — Joey Prusak was appalled when he saw a customer at the suburban Minneapolis Dairy Queen store where he works pick up someone else's $20 bill and slip it into her purse.

 

So when the woman got up to the counter to order, Prusak refused to serve her unless she returned the money. When the woman refused, the 19-year-old store manager went a step further: He gave the visually impaired customer who hadn't realized he'd dropped the money $20 out of his own pocket.

 

 

 

What a wonderful man!

 

That's the article. Thanks for finding it for me!

[Farrar]

Unfortunately, a community is not always supportive and can make life very hard. In such cases, total self reliance is preferable, isn't it?

Yes, it's good to be more self-reliant if your community is destructive, but I don't think anyone is totally self-reliant unless they're living as a hermit and growing all their own food.

[kbutton]

That hasn't actually been my experience at all.  To me, the whole reason to join a church, to have a homeschool support group, to meet my neighbors, to vote, to engage in civic activities and discourse, to be a part of a community, of several communities, is to get support - support for my life, for my kids, etc.  And while I have encountered the judgment, the ridicule, etc. at various times, I've been blessed to find good communities and to be able to carve out good ones as well.  I find when people ridicule the idea of "the village" that they're ridiculing things I need, like to have people to recommend a pediatrician, people to babysit, other kids for my kids to play with, teachers who can teach my kids, coaches who can coach them, etc.

 

But I think the phrase is just full of different assumptions, as I said.  Some people think "the village" means "the government" and many people think it only means "busybodies" or even "all the people I hate."  So I think it should go.  But I find people acting like I can raise my kids in a vacuum without any support supremely unhelpful.  And I didn't see it as connected to the larger point in the blog post.  He's saying that people should stop being so judgmental and let parents make their own choices.  For me, the whole reason to do that is so we can live in peace.  In our various communities.  And stop being so torn down by each other.

 

You are blessed. Some of us don't get help even when we ask for it from people who are supposed to be trustworthy. Some communities are completely deaf to the people in their lives who need help, are willing to provide help to certain kinds of needs only, or actively discriminate against them. And some people are just really good at being snotty or snooty to people who are not like them. Some of us just seem to be perpetual exceptions to the rule for some unknown reason. I escaped an environment like that, but now I am uneasy around others and not sure of myself. I don't know what I should expect anymore, in part because I am not sure what support from others should look like (where I live is not culturally the same as where I grew up, so that's part of it). I certainly don't get the kind of support that others talk about getting. It's getting better, but it's not easy.

 

I do think the village wording is useless at this point.

[Tammi K]

Unless you're living on a homestead in the middle of nowhere, doing everything for yourself that you possibly can, I think we all need community in various ways. I get that Americans are rugged individualists and all that, but we need others to provide services and people who show basic human kindness when others are injured or when there's a crisis. We're built to be communal beings. When I have more people around me who I can trust in various ways - people who aren't judgmental about my parenting, for example - then my life is easier. I think the blogger was right that it's perhaps harder to be a parent now, but if that's true, then part of the reason is that there's less community, people trust their neighbors less, fear for their kids' safety more as a result, and generally struggle to find help when they need it.

 

Some people may have all that already - I feel like perhaps I almost do. But I recognize that I'm lucky, that most parents feel constantly like they have to do it all but they can't.

 

Okay, I understand the point you are making. I think the thing that bothers me about your original comment was that you said we ALL need MORE community support.

 

If by community support you mean community services, and from your reply it appears you do, I agree that we need them, each of us to a varying extent depending on our circumstances. But that doesn't mean I agree that we all need more.  I would be worse off if I didn't have access to doctor, dentist, orthodontist, and the local phone company. But if you are talking about the Boys/Girls club, community centers, etc. I've never used those services in the first place so, no, I don't need more.

 

In my parenting years, we have always lived away from family, many of those years in a foreign country. I've never had grandma as baby sitter, nor have I had a dependable 'outside' baby sitter that I could use on short notice. My husband and I have relied on ourselves to care for our children. We took them with us until they were old enough to be left with the oldest sibling. And that was fine with me. I didn't NEED anyone to watch them. Of course, on the very few occasions when I did want to leave someone (when daughter two was born, for example) I had a neighbor pitch in. So, of course, there were times when I had neighbor help, but I see that as a far different thing than a village. And I think that it is very different from saying we all need more community.

 

Frankly, the 'community'(as I define it)  and I rarely agree on much. So, I am pretty happy if the community minds it own collective business and leaves me to my day.

 

[PeacefulChaos]

Love it!

 

I've always hated the whole 'it takes a village...' mantra.  I just disagree with it wholeheartedly.  :)  Either way, though, I really liked the post!  :D

[Mrs Mungo]

The anti-"it takes a village" line was actually the only part I didn't like.  I think we all need more community support, not less, though that particular phrase is just fraught with land mines and differing assumptions and I think everyone on both sides needs to stop using it.

I think it's actually pretty ironic coming from a blogger. Isn't the internet and receiving validation from various people online-isn't that making use of the community? Hm.

[bettyandbob]

I'm getting the message that I should never offer to help a child who is injured, call a mom from the bus stop when I see a child has missed the bus, question a tween who is about to do something dangerous, or say "hello" to a teen to remind him his mother might not approve of what he's doing. I'll let the toddler amble up the sidewalk alone without a second glance. Goodness it is not my business if that toddler finds someone's backyard pool or walks into the street. She is not my child so I should do nothing.

[PeacefulChaos]

I'm getting the message that I should never offer to help a child who is injured, call a mom from the bus stop when I see a child has missed the bus, question a tween who is about to do something dangerous, or say "hello" to a teen to remind him his mother might not approve of what he's doing. I'll let the toddler amble up the sidewalk alone without a second glance. Goodness it is not my business if that toddler finds someone's backyard pool or walks into the street. She is not my child so I should do nothing.

 

There are people in children's lives who have earned that right. 

A random stranger - a neighbor - someone at the park who we do not know - no, they don't have that right. 

I don't think that's odd or offensive at all to say.  If one of my kids gets hurt at the park, I have already seen it, most likely.  I don't need some other mom to run up and try to help them if I don't - they'll get over it themselves.  If I see them injured and think they need my assistance, I'll give it.  But I would be highly offended if someone tried to tell me how to parent my child because they got a scraped knee.  :rolleyes: 

In most of the instances you describe above, you are taking into account that you already know the child.  In which case, I don't see any problem with doing any of those things. 

[bettyandbob]

There are people in children's lives who have earned that right.

A random stranger - a neighbor - someone at the park who we do not know - no, they don't have that right.

I don't think that's odd or offensive at all to say. If one of my kids gets hurt at the park, I have already seen it, most likely. I don't need some other mom to run up and try to help them if I don't - they'll get over it themselves. If I see them injured and think they need my assistance, I'll give it. But I would be highly offended if someone tried to tell me how to parent my child because they got a scraped knee. :rolleyes:

In most of the instances you describe above, you are taking into account that you already know the child. In which case, I don't see any problem with doing any of those things.

Your dc will never ever be on their own ever so you will take care of all.

 

Your dc are so perfect they never get out of sight ever.

 

I guess you are lucky this is a plan you can stick to. Let us know how it works out through the teen years.

[Mrs Mungo]

There are people in children's lives who have earned that right. 

A random stranger - a neighbor - someone at the park who we do not know - no, they don't have that right. 

 

Once when my kids were little, we were eating lunch at a McDonald's near a high school. There was a table full of high school boys. One of them was cussing up a storm. I stared at him and raised my eyebrow when he looked at me. He stopped cursing around my kids. I don't think I was incredibly out of line.

[PeacefulChaos]

Your dc will never ever be on their own ever so you will take care of all.

 

Your dc are so perfect they never get out of sight ever.

 

I guess you are lucky this is a plan you can stick to. Let us know how it works out through the teen years.

What the heck? 

When did I ever say that? 

:001_huh:

[bettyandbob]

What the heck?

When did I ever say that?

:001_huh:

You basically implied that you are always with them so there is never a need. You implied there would never be a ned by your tone, so I hope that works out.

 

BTW the bus stop incident I describe in my way above, I didn't know the child. She lives on my street somewhere (400 townhouses). From the bus she missed I know she is in third grade. After my child's bus left I asked her if she wanted me to call her mom, because I'd want someone to offer that to my own child. I was expecting to have to get the phone number from the girl. She declined. She decided to wait I guess because she knew her mom would drive by. I left, but 2 other moms watched from a short distance until her mom came by. No one ran up to the mom to tell her what for about her kid missing the bus. We just looked out . The other two moms didn't know the girl either.

 

If my teen is cussing in public I want Mrs. Mungo to give her a stern look even though we have never met.

 

Helping each other and being part of the village isn't about getting in someone's face and telling them they are not doing the parent thing right. It's just about looking out for each other--having each others backs once in a while.

[PeacefulChaos]

You basically implied that you are always with them so there is never a need. You implied there would never be a ned by your tone, so I hope that works out.

 

BTW the bus stop incident I describe in my way above, I didn't know the child. She lives on my street somewhere (400 townhouses). From the bus she missed I know she is in third grade. After my child's bus left I asked her if she wanted me to call her mom, because I'd wanted someone to offer that to my own child. I was expecting to have to get the phone number from the girl. She declined. She decided to wait I guess because she knew her mom would drive by. 2 other moms watched from a short distance until her mom came by. No one ran up to the mom to tell her what for about her kid missing the bus. We just looked out . The other two moms didn't know the girl either.

 

If my teen is cussing in public I want Mrs. Mungo to give her a stern look even though we have never met.

 

Helping each other and being part of the village isn't about getting in someone's face and telling them they are not doing the parent thing right. It's just about looking out for each other--having each others backs once in a while.

 

I didn't mean to imply that.  I only said at the playground, under the assumption that if my kids were young enough to want to be at the playground, they had to get there somehow.  And the playground thing *has* happened, which is why that one in particular gets me a little bristly.

I actually don't like the helicopter parent model at all, either (I know some here describe themselves as such - to each their own!  I just mean for me!) so I got a little snippy in response to feeling like you were calling me something that I don't like.  :)  In my perfect world, I'd be free range, but I'm not there yet, unfortunately. 

I haven't seen anything that anyone has described here in the thread as what *I* have experienced.  I think that nowadays, mommy wars are much more prevalent than people being helpful.  So in general, most people stay out of others' business. 

It's like I said above - I just am of the belief that parents are the most important when it comes to raising our kids, and i don't believe that the *responsibility* lies with anyone else.  If others can do things like what Mrs. Mungo described above, that's fine.  Unfortunately, there are too many who just see others' children as means to further their evidence that they are better parents than everyone else.

[Rosie_0801]

I've been 9 months pregnant with a toddler bolting away from me. Many thanks to the village members who smirked and moved out of her way.

[Guest]

Meh...I think too many people get offended when someone else's idea of parenting doesn't match up with theirs.  His post is basically flipping the bird at anyone who tells him that their way isn't the same as his.  Don't get me wrong....sometimes people will tell you their way and their way is just....stupid.  But it is up to me whether I let it offend me or not.  Someone can give their opinion all they want, but if they don't know me or my situation, then I just roll my eyes and let it roll off my back.

 

I breastfed my first, and because of various reasons, I bottle fed my second.  Of course I had people questioning why I didn't bf my second.  Instead of getting offended about their questioning, I simply let them know that it was my choice, end of discussion.  Same goes with homeschooling, church, etc.  I know that I am doing the best job I can as a parent, so I sure don't need other parents' validation or lack thereof to tell me what I am doing is right or wrong.  

 

As far as the village...I like my village.  Maybe I am lucky in that I have an amazing church family, and we all look out for each other and each other's kids.  I have no problem calling 90% of the parents in my church if someone's child is doing something that I know the parent wouldn't approve of.  Likewise, I like knowing that if my child is doing something they shouldn't be, that I will get a call before they get home.  

 

Example....my son plays guitar for the youth band on Wed nights for our church.  I drop him off at practice, and after practice, he would go to a convenience store down the street to get a tea, snack, etc before youth group started.  He would get a ride with a kid who he had been in hs groups, church, etc.  This kid is a good kid, but even good kids do stupid things.  Dh was dropping off dd at church one night and sees a car tear out of the church lot, and recognizes ds in the passenger seat.  Before he could get home and tell me, someone else had already called and told me that they had seen the same thing.  Was I mad because they told me before dh?  No...I was glad that someone was looking out for my son when I couldn't be there to do it.  Dh told ds that he wasn't allowed to ride with this friend after that because of his poor judgement.  Ds told his friend this, and the friend apologized for his stupidity...he had been trying to impress a girl.  :glare: Regardless of the reason, he figured out quick that what he did was seen, and he didn't do it again.

 

On the other side of it...I was at a local fast food place one night when the son of someone from church was sitting with a group of kids.  One of the other kids was trying to convince him to do something he shouldn't do.  He hadn't seen me at this point, so I was happy when I heard him say that it wasn't something he was ok with doing. Then when he saw me step into view, he said, "Well that and the fact that that lady knows my momma, and she would tear my hide, then call my momma and daddy, and they would come tear my hide even worse."  Yes, he had already shown good judgement in saying no to stupid choices, but his parents were happy to know that he knew there was always extra eyes watching out for him.  Not because we want to be judgemental or high and mighty, but because we care.

 

I have good kids who so far have made good choices, but it is nice to know that others around here care enough to treat them the way they would their own child if they know they are making a poor choice.

[Heather in Neverland]

Good village: a child is riding their bicycle down the street and falls, a neighbor sees it and stops to help

 

Bad village: a complete stranger walks up to me and my daughter and says (to my 2yo daughter), "Aren't you a little big for that pacifier?" To which I replied, "Aren't you a little fat for those pants?"

 

 

Good village: if the government provides free preschool for those who WANT it and can't afford it

 

Bad village: if the government forces EVERY child to go to preschool

 

 

Your turn...

[Guest]

And as I said.  Some people in the village are the village idiot.  It is up to you (general) to be offended by it or not.  I personally am confident enough in my abilities as a parent to know that what some people say is just ignorant, but I don't let it ruin my day. 

[bettyandbob]

Good village: a child is riding their bicycle down the street and falls, a neighbor sees it and stops to help

 

Bad village: a complete stranger walks up to me and my daughter and says (to my 2yo daughter), "Aren't you a little big for that pacifier?" To which I replied, "Aren't you a little fat for those pants?"

 

 

Good village: if the government provides free preschool for those who WANT it and can't afford it

 

Bad village: if the government forces EVERY child to go to preschool

 

 

Your turn...

Heather, if you want any village at all, you have to accept some people in the village are just dumb. I have to accept that some know it all who doesn't know me will need to tell me all about her BILs cousin's kid's therapy because that kid has the same disability as mine so surely this new therapy is what my kid needs if I want someone else to care enough to make sure dd is ok if she slips on ice on the way to school.

 

You have to accept that some people don't know when to just shut up. You learn to brush it off because the compassion of others in the village is worth so much more than the negatives of a few. If the negatives are really getting to you then you are giving those people power in your life. It's hard work to avoid giving them power, but worth the effort.

 

I think your response on the pacifier was perfect.

[OrganicAnn]

Parks are provided by a community.

Public Libraries are provide by a community.

These seem like things most people value and often take for granted.

 

 

[Guest]

Heather, if you want any village at all, you have to accept some people in the village are just dumb. I have to accept that some know it all who doesn't know me will need to tell me all about her BILs cousin's kid's therapy because that kid has the same disability as mine so surely this new therapy is what my kid needs if I want someone else to care enough to make sure dd is ok if she slips on ice on the way to school.

 

You have to accept that some people don't know when to just shut up. You learn to brush it off because the compassion of others in the village is worth so much more than the negatives of a few. If the negatives are really getting to you then you are giving those people power in your life. It's hard work to avoid giving them power, but worth the effort.

 

I think your response on the pacifier was perfect.

 

Said so much better than I could. :)  I know that my "village" here is full of people that do care.  The few that are putting in their input only to be nosy is a fair tradeoff for having the ones that will look out for my kid on the rare occasion that I can't do it myself.