The letter I dare not send my MIL

[Sherry in OH]

Thank you for serving dinner on Sunday.  The meal was lovely.  The company unfortunately was not.  The behavior on the part of the so-called “adults,†was unacceptable. Until all parties learn some manners we will be abstaining from extended family get-togethers.   Our children need positive role models rather than examples of how not to behave.   

 

Common courtesy and responsible parenting dictate that if a child intends to shoot a bb gun that his parents give other parents a heads-up.  Quietly going outside and setting up targets was irresponsible.  If I had not happened to look out the window, when ds2 said he wanted to play on the swing set, I would have allowed him to do so unaccompanied. He would have seen C and run to him not knowing that C had a gun in his hands.  Quiet honesty, we feel that a family gathering is not the place for target practice.  Especially when the target is set up on the swing set! 

 

In addition, the children need to be treated fairly.  They are old enough to notice and comment on the blatant favoritism.   Save special favors for times when the other children are not present.   If you ask about one child’s activities in front of the other children, ask the others about their activities as well.  If all children play with the toys, then all children help with cleanup. Set some house rules so that everyone knows what is and is not acceptable behavior.  The rules should be the same for all.  Consequences of not following the rules should also be clear and acted upon as necessary.  

 

 

Background:

Adult activities included SIL and BIL having an argument resulting in cursing, objects flying, and doors slamming. SIL then comments on her brother’s childish behavior. 

 

Same SIL is the favorite child, her son, the acknowledged favorite grandchild.  MIL fawns over him.  This perfect child is rarely disciplined, no matter how badly he needs it.  He gets out the bulk of the toys, not to play with, just to throw and abandon, but SIL never requires that he pick up anything.  MIL won’t step in because she doesn’t want to make SIL angry.  My children are left to sort and put away the toys, because grandma expects them to pick up after themselves.  He usually brings some of his own toys but doesn’t share them and to the last two gatherings, his bb gun.

[jrn]

:grouphug: My family is crazy too.

[TammyinTN]

How sad for you.  These are the things I will never allow when our kids get together with their children.  We always treat each of the kids the same and everyone gets a goodie when they come to Nana's and PaPa's.  I provide all the toys, and if anything is brought into the house from another home it is expected to be shared or left in the car.   Everyone helps to clean up dishes, toys and leave the house in the same shape that if was found.  When we visit our dd we do the same at her home.   To me this is just basic respect and how our children were raised.  It's worked out quite well for us. 

[Rosie_0801]

It's odd when being treated like crud is a compliment. 

[idnib]

 Quiet honesty, we feel that a family gathering is not the place for target practice.

 

 

 

After reading this I'm not so sure. I feel like a little target practice.  ;)

[Catwoman]

Your letter makes me wonder why you spend any time at all with those people.

[fraidycat]

I would send the letter.

 

Then after the initial uproar, sit back and relax in peace over NEVER being invited back again and not ever having to deal with that crap again.

 

;)

[Lisbeth]

I wouldn't visit these people, ever. I have pretty tough policies about the treatment of my children by others. No way would I allow shabby, second class treatment. MIL is an adult and should know better. Someone who doesn't care about my feelings or especially my kids' feelings gets the same back at 'em.

[gardenmom5]

btdt - with my grandmother.  sometimes you just need to step away.  help your children understand it's not them - but twisted adults who (deep down where it counts) don't like themselves very much and that's why they play these games.

 

you can distance yourself from these people.  you're not going to change them.  sending the letter will just kick up a firestorm - and as one pp said - guarantee you aren't invited back.  so I guess there is one advantage - you wouldn't have to deal with them being angry when you turn down an invitation.

[MommaOfalotta]

Either send the letter, like PP said.. or stop all contact. That is just ridiculous. A lot of people have to deal with crap from family (mine could probably set the record on the crazy scale) but when it involves the kids... and target practice :huh: I'd say no sane person would blame you for cutting off contact.

 

What does your dh say about all of this?

 

ETA: I dont mean cutting these people out of your lives entirely, because after all they are your family. But taking a little break from seeing/speaking to them until 1-they get the point and 2- your nerves are calmed, would probably help everyone. G/l OP!

[GailV]

:grouphug: We have the favoritism, and the general craziness.  Not the target shooting, though.  Yikes, that takes it to a whole new level! I'd avoid get togethers for a long, long time after this.

[Parrothead]

What Cat said. Why do up go there? Save yourself some trouble, go to the mall instead.

[texasmama]

(((hugs)))  I abstain from most extended family gatherings and particularly from my MIL.  Dh does the same.  Frankly, abstinence works.  ;)

[zoobie]

I doubt I would send the letter, but I sure as heck wouldn't make my kids clean up after their cousin! I'd probably leave when some idiot whips out a gun too.

[swellmomma]

We have the favortism things going on here, right down to the toy issue.  My kdis don't like to go there anymore as a result of that and gramma deciding gifts she bought them need to be kept at her house for use, then gets mad at the clutter and sends them to goodwill before the kids have tired of them (this is specifically toys, but she has bought them clothes and insisted they must be kept there, only we visit so infrequently that the kids outgrow them before they are ever worn).  BUT there is no BBguns/target practice, and the last big fight with cursing and slamming doors was between myself and my sister, and we have barely spoken since.  That was last xmas, and was the final straw and let 'er rip with zero censorship on my mouth. 

 

I wouldn't send it, but I sure as heck would limit my contact.  My kids still get visits, and this summer I allowed them to repeatedly be at grammas or auntie's because I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  BUT ds15 was never with them, because none of them like him and treat him worse than the rest, quite blatently. Fortunately he had a job that kept him very busy this summer.  So you don't have to cut them out completely, but certainly severely limiting contact is in order.

[Tammyla]

That sounds awful and Crazy :grouphug: .  I agree with the others; I would skip the big family get togethers and just visit in-laws at my home or over there, when sil & the spoiled/possibly dangers cousin aren't there.

 

And...I would let them know why the changes were necessary.  Safety and sanity rank pretty high on my list, not to mention my kids. Kwim?

 

 

 

 

:rant: Grandparents should be loving and attentive to all their grandchildren.

[Kelly1730]

Many moons ago ( we are talking like 25 years ago!) we stopped having the obligatory weekly Sunday dinner at my parents. At that point, I had three boys and my sister had one. Her son had adhd and other issues and was never made accountable for his behavior. He would push my oldest ( who, I admit, at seven was still working on self-control:), until he lashed out at him and then my son was the one "in trouble". It happened week after week until I decided we had enough and we began limiting our contact. Not cut them out, but sometime less is best! My nephew was married two years ago and asked my son to be his best man:) They have been very good friends since high school. My sister and I have a good, not necessarily close, but good relationship. All this to say that I believe limiting our contact way back then saved the family relationships. Hope you find a workable solution for your situation. 

[IsabelC]

I'd talk to your MIL. Seriously. Because she might be totally unaware of the amount of favoritism she is exhibiting. If you want to avoid confrontation, you could frame the issue as a sort of 'how-can-we-work-together-to-ensure-no-kid-feels-neglected' thing rather than directly accusing her of anything. After all, it is actually natural to have a favorite, it's just wrong to let that show.