My Socially awkward 14 year old

[Annie Mae]

Has anyone any advice on how I can help my 14 year old son in social settings. He has always been a shy child and has difficulty making friends. His problem seems to be getting worse though as he finds it very difficult to even talk to people outside the immediate family. Over the last couple of years we have been encouraging him to respond to people when spoken too and we have had some success. He will usually respond after coercion but responds in a way that makes him come across as a rude youth with a terribly bad attitude. 

 

Obviously this behaviour embarrasses not only him and our family but also the person to whom he is responding.  I have tried the rewards approach and the lost privileges approach and nothing has really worked. He is a lovely child and the funniest most charming boy around his immediate family members but once we leave the home or an outsider comes in he becomes withdrawn, sullen, non responsive and bad mannered. I hate to see him do this to himself.

 

Help!  

[kroe1]

I have posted this before about our own experience with theater and what a remarkable transformation it made in our shy child.  At the advice of someone else, we started with an acting class.  After about a year, we had a totally different child. 

 

 

[Carrie12345]

My Aspie kid was greatly helped by acting classes! Sadly, he didn't stick with them, but they were a very useful tool.

 

Also, getting him into activities of deep interest. In a room full of other history/movie/math buffs, he felt much more comfortable sharing his thoughts.

[GeorgiaGirl160]

I will third the suggestion of drama classes.   They have dramatically helped our child with his speech.

 

When our son was in kindergarten, he could hardly get out a complete sentence.  He was a bright kid, but he stammered when trying to verbally express himself.  He had real trouble transferring his thoughts from his brain to his mouth.

 

The problem was severe enough that his public elementary school recommended a speech IEP.  He had two sessions a week with his speech therapist at school and was improved enough to drop the IEP at the end of first grade.

 

We put him in various little drama summer camps from kindergarten to second grade just for fun.  He loved them and steadily improved.

 

This summer, as a rising third grader, we started going to a church which was blessed with a theater major helping the kids in the summer program.  He was cast as one of the two leads in a circus themed "Prodigal Son" play.  Our son was the prodigal's son's father. Four musical numbers, singing, dancing, jokes, pratfalls, despair at losing his son, and joy at reconciliation.  With a lot of work and practice, he absolutely nailed it.  You would never know this kid was in speech therapy less than two years ago.

 

Today, I am sending a brief clip of the play to his speech therapist copied to the principal thanking her for the wonderful work she did with our son.

 

His speech is *so* much better than it was two years ago.  He remains more glib on stage than in person, but you would never think he had ever had a speech problem. 

 

I think part of the key is that for our son being on stage was fun, speech therapy isn't necessarily fun.  Being on stage gave our son a fun activity and lots of positive feedback.  I am very pleased we tried this for him, and I would encourage anyone else to check it out.

 

Good luck,

 

GeorgiaMom

[Annie Mae]

I have posted this before about our own experience with theater and what a remarkable transformation it made in our shy child.  At the advice of someone else, we started with an acting class.  After about a year, we had a totally different child. 

 

Hi, and thanks for the advice.

He is the type of boy who doesn't want to get involved in any hobbies or groups because he knows he will struggle to get to know the other kids. He has always loved soccer but stopped going to the soccer club because he felt he didn't fit in. That was a few years ago and we didn't realise at the time that he had a problem. Had I known then what I know now I would have insisted that he continue going.

 

I am going to look into the possibilities of acting or elocution. It may be time for tough love before it gets too late. Thanks for the tip.

[Annie Mae]

Thank you all for the for posting advice. It really helps to know that there are others out there who have gone through and dealt with this.

 

I never thought of acting/drama classes. I'm going to look into that straight away.

 

Thanks again

[Chris in VA]

Do you have a social skills class near you? They teach the skill of social interaction explicitly. Body language, social cues, initiating conversation, etc can all be taught, so he could feel more at ease. Maybe coupling that with drama?

 

Disregard the website name--skim this article to see what I mean.http://www.minddisorders.com/Py-Z/Social-skills-training.html#b

[Tammyla]

I deleted my post, and based on the post below by the op, I would consider having him evaluated.  It sounds like he is having a very difficult time in so many situations.

 

[Annie Mae]

May I take this from a different perspective? Your ds has probably picked up from you that there's "something wrong with him." That this is "a problem."

 

Well, I'm more introverted, and a certain relative is very extroverted. I can't begin to tell you how much his efforts to "help me" hurt me. He actually said to me once, "You should try being extroverted. It's fun." Like as if a person could chose their inherent personality. If we were in a car together, he'd pull up to a stranger and roll down the window, and then say to me, "Ask that person such and such." Or, we'd be in a group, and I would think that I was fully participating because I was listening and laughing along, but he'd have to call me out in front of everyone and say something like, "Cat got your tongue?" Or, "You're being quiet." On and on like this.

 

Finally, I had to tell him to STOP "helping me" and just accept me for who I am. He still doesn't accept me, but he has learned to not say anything. I can still feel his disapproval, though.

 

I found interests that were interesting to me, and I interacted with people just find within those activities. Life as an introvert is so much harder because everybody loves an extrovert! It's so important, though, to be comfortable with oneself, and in one's own skin.To avoid trying to be someone or something one isn't.

 

Maybe you should switch to helping him find one or two interests that he enjoys, and leave him and his quietness alone (sorry if that sounds too blunt.) If he makes an effort to make eye contact with someone speaking to him, and smiles and says "hello" or shakes their hand, that should be more than enough to get through life just fine. Don't try to force him to "talk more." That "push" will just make him quieter and self-conscious.

 

Sorry if I'm sounding strident, but it took me decades to understand and accept myself, and that's a long time to feel inferior and inept. I didn't appreciate others making me feel defective, either.

 

Not saying that you're doing any of what I just described. Just adding another perspective.

Thanks for adding your perspective but I think you have misunderstood me or perhaps I didn't explain the situation well.

I don't think the problem is that that my son is quiet. I'm quiet and reserved and can fully understand a person not liking attention on them. The problem is that he is unable or unwilling to to speak to other people outside of those he is comfortable with.  That includes, uncles and aunts he does not see regularly, his teachers when he attended school, his family doctor and heaven help him if he were ever in a situation where he would have to approach someone for help, like asking for directions from a stranger or a police officer, he wouldn't be able to. 

 

So while I don't see his quiet personality as problematic at all his inability to communicate is something that he will need to grow out of and I will do all that I can to support him in this. This isn't a personality trait it is a behavioural problem.  His quietness isn't the issue but he will have to overcome the social awkwardness he struggles with in order to get on in life. 

 

Do you see the difference? I don't think this is similar to your situation really.

Thanks for your response anyway

[LostSurprise]

1. Respect his needs as an introvert and sovereign human being. Make sure he knows that being reserved/introverted is okay.

 

2. Think about what is minimally expected in social situations. Have talks with ds about social expectations and why people fulfill them. Ask him to be minimally polite (returning greetings, saying goodbye to a group you're with, answering basic questions, knowing how to excuse himself when he doesn't feel comfortable talking more, not using electronics or book as a screen against other human beings in certain situations). 

 

3. Expose him to lots of social situations--at least once or twice a week--and verbally correct breeches in minimal polite behavior in private. Using a general advice tone works well for this age group. That means you don't punish or criticize, you give behavior-consequence statements without emotion. You say something like "hey, I noticed you didn't say hello back to Jack today. When you ignore people they read into the situation that you don't like them and it changes they way they act with you. Most people find its just easier to return the greeting than deal with the drama" This allows the young teen autonomy while giving them solid, logical, non-emotional reasoning for things. One of my favorite conversation openers with my 14 year old is "Just so you know..." It automatically cools down any rebellious feelings and he actually thinks about what I say 90% of the time.

 

4. Consider practicing polite ways to detach from a conversation or make small talk (memorizing basic questions which allow the other person to talk about themselves taking the focus off the introvert)....but only if he wants too. Offer, don't push. 

 

 

[Annie Mae]

First off, 14 is an awkward age for any kid. They already feel icky because their face is breaking out or they've grown 5 inches overnight and don't know their own body. Is it confidence or personality? If he is truly an introvert, then there is only so much you can do. If it's confidence, then clubs or acting classes could help. That would be a nightmare for an introvert. 

 

I agree with PP. I'm an introvert and it wasn't until I started feeling comfortable with it that I started feeling confident enough to talk to strangers. I've always been quiet. I'm still a quiet talker in public with strangers. However, when it's necessary, I can pull off extrovert behavior and hold a decent conversation, host people at my house and even be spontaneous. It's a long developed skill. 

 

Being an introvert isn't a disease that can be cured, it's a personality trait. I would talk to him about manners and being polite, but allow him to excuse himself after saying hello if you are going to have people over. And please give him plenty of warning if people are coming over so he can prepare himself. 

 

Have you seen the TEDTalks about being an introvert?

 

I also find this to hold a lot of truth. I would add that introverts prefer to communicate in writing and give him a method to express himself in writing. 

I don't think he's introverted.  He is probably somewhere in the middle of introverted and extroverted like most of us.  He enjoy's the company of his close family and rarely likes to be on his own.  

[LostSurprise]

 The problem is that he is unable or unwilling to to speak to other people outside of those he is comfortable with.  That includes, uncles and aunts he does not see regularly, his teachers when he attended school, his family doctor and heaven help him if he were ever in a situation where he would have to approach someone for help, like asking for directions from a stranger or a police officer, he wouldn't be able to. 

 

This isn't a personality trait it is a behavioural problem.  

 

As someone who had this problem as a teen, to the degree stated here, I find this statement problematic. If he can't do these things there's a deeper-seated anxiety involved, not a behavioral problem. Certainly someone trying to 'fix it' wouldn't work. It would only serve to increase the anxiety and feelings of unworthiness/self-dysfunction. 

 

Time, love, support, and experience were my teachers. I'm sure therapy and anti-anxiety drugs are also possibilities these days. 

 

BTW, be careful how much you limit his abilities. Most people, even those with anxiety, would be able to push through and at great personal discomfort get done what needed doing (contacting police or fire for instance) but often a dynamic is created within the family which allows them to remain secure. If someone literally could not save his family or find his way home when put to the test that is severe anxiety that needs a doctor's care...not a thread online. 

[scholastica]

This book may help: http://www.amazon.com/Socially-Curious-Curiously-Social-Guidebook/dp/0884272028. 

 

scholastica

[Maela]

I'm an introvert, I hate small talk unless I'm in a really cheerful mood; then it's okay.  I do think it's important that a child, no matter how shy or introverted, learn the minimum of politeness.  So saying hello back, answering simple questions without being sounding rude, maybe even asking the person something about what's going on with them (that's hard for me), etc.  Otherwise, I wish people were more aware of the average introvert's personality and realize that it's okay.

[Annie Mae]

1. Respect his needs as an introvert and sovereign human being. Make sure he knows that being reserved/introverted is okay.

 

2. Think about what is minimally expected in social situations. Have talks with ds about social expectations and why people fulfill them. Ask him to be minimally polite (returning greetings, saying goodbye to a group you're with, answering basic questions, knowing how to excuse himself when he doesn't feel comfortable talking more, not using electronics or book as a screen against other human beings in certain situations). 

 

3. Expose him to lots of social situations--at least once or twice a week--and verbally correct breeches in minimal polite behavior in private. Using a general advice tone works well for this age group. That means you don't punish or criticize, you give behavior-consequence statements without emotion. You say something like "hey, I noticed you didn't say hello back to Jack today. When you ignore people they read into the situation that you don't like them and it changes they way they act with you. Most people find its just easier to return the greeting than deal with the drama" This allows the young teen autonomy while giving them solid, logical, non-emotional reasoning for things. One of my favorite conversation openers with my 14 year old is "Just so you know..." It automatically cools down any rebellious feelings and he actually thinks about what I say 90% of the time.

 

4. Consider practicing polite ways to detach from a conversation or make small talk (memorizing basic questions which allow the other person to talk about themselves taking the focus off the introvert)....but only if he wants too. Offer, don't push. 

Thanks for the tips but ds isn't an introvert. An introvert enjoys being alone and is generally concerned with their own thoughts and feelings. I think a lot of people probably mix up what it means to be shy and introvert. My son loves being around the people he is comfortable with and rarely enjoys being alone. He is extremely shy in social settings and finds speaking to new people very difficult, hence the rudeness that he often displays. 

 

He understands that he sounds rude when asked a simple question by a visitor and he grunts an answer but he is still crippled with shyness and finds it hard to sound polite.

 

I think your suggestion of getting him into lots of social situations may be the best way for him to learn how to deal with new people. Perhaps the more opportunities he has to practise the easier it will become for him. I think he may always be a little shy and reserved but that's OK once he learns how to interact politely with those around him.

[Maela]

I missed some posts while I was writing mine!  Can't wait to watch the TEDtalks.

[Carrie12345]

There is a huge difference between being an introvert and being unable to communicate politely. The OP's son may indeed be an introvert (as am I,) but that doesn't mean anyone is "disrespecting" his personality by trying to encourage minimal manners.

[msjones]

Have you talked to your pediatrician about it?  Could it be a social anxiety disorder?  A phobia of sorts?  There may be some very good treatment available.  I'd say it's worth a call to the doctor.

[Annie Mae]

As someone who had this problem as a teen, to the degree stated here, I find this statement problematic. If he can't do these things there's a deeper-seated anxiety involved, not a behavioral problem. Certainly someone trying to 'fix it' wouldn't work. It would only serve to increase the anxiety and feelings of unworthiness/self-dysfunction. 

 

Time, love, support, and experience were my teachers. I'm sure therapy and anti-anxiety drugs are also possibilities these days. 

 

BTW, be careful how much you limit his abilities. Most people, even those with anxiety, would be able to push through and at great personal discomfort get done what needed doing (contacting police or fire for instance) but often a dynamic is created within the family which allows them to remain secure. If someone literally could not save his family or find his way home when put to the test that is severe anxiety that needs a doctor's care...not a thread online. 

 

Hi and thanks for your response

 

It is difficult to explain the situation on a forum like this. If you knew my son you would understand that he doesn't have deep seated anxiety. He simply does not like talking to strangers or people he doesn't know well and would find any other solution rather than have to do that. 

 

He doesn't need therapy or drugs or a label to hide behind. He needs plenty of practise in social settings and the whole point of my question was to get ideas from other parents as to what may or may not have worked for them.

 

Thanks for you input anyway

"

[Annie Mae]

There is a huge difference between being an introvert and being unable to communicate politely. The OP's son may indeed be an introvert (as am I,) but that doesn't mean anyone is "disrespecting" his personality by trying to encourage minimal manners.

 

Thank you,

 

That is exactly the point I was trying to make in another post.

[LostSurprise]

I'm an introvert and in my family I'm considered 'chatty.' It was a safe place to be playful. When someone has strong social anxiety you'll often see a disproportionate amount of socializing at home where its comfortable. This is doubly true if the person is very bright. This does not exclude introvert status (or prove it...I have an extrovert who would not talk to anyone he didn't know for several years--infant until second grade--and an introvert who would talk to anyone). 

 

Nor was I often alone. I just read or did projects inside the cozy group when I needed some downtime. 

 

Don't discount introversion yet. It presents many ways. 

 

 

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Chiming in to say, acting classes or social skills classes...or both...are great ideas!

[LostSurprise]

Hi and thanks for your response

 

It is difficult to explain the situation on a forum like this. If you knew my son you would understand that he doesn't have deep seated anxiety. He simply does not like talking to strangers or people he doesn't know well and would find any other solution rather than have to do that. 

 

He doesn't need therapy or drugs or a label to hide behind. He needs plenty of practise in social settings and the whole point of my question was to get ideas from other parents as to what may or may not have worked for them.

 

 

I'm not suggesting he needs therapy or drugs or a label unless he is unable to take care of himself in survival situations. 

 

I've said my piece. Unfortunately you sound exactly like my dad at the time and that reverberates a bit. I apologize if that's unknowingly coming out. According to him I was making a choice. If I would only try a little more...do X..just be Y... He just couldn't understand what I was going through because it wasn't in his own nature and because I seemed completely normal at home. 

 

Just be aware that there are other explanations for what's going on. I don't have to be right, but I might be. We can only know people...even the people we live with...so well. The only individuals I've met who decided by sheer will to stop talking to strangers (in annoyance or frustration not an anxiety) have been on the spectrum. 

 

I wish you the best. 

[Chris in VA]

Personally, I think asking someone to endure awkward social situations time and again without teaching him how to interact would be rather cruel. I find the same mindset in folks that force their shy kids to attend large groups or places where they must interact, hoping thast will cure them--when they have forgotten a crucial step! Learning HOW before being asked to demonstrate that knowledge, would seem paramount.

And just because he can interact when comfortable doesn't mean he has the skill to interact with strangers.

Teach him, then let him practice.

[mamakelly]

I ike the drama classes suggestion. What about Cotillion? That would give him lots of practice in how not to feel awkward in social situations but he'd learn it with a bunch of other awkward teens!

 

[Annie Mae]

I'm not suggesting he needs therapy or drugs or a label unless he is unable to take care of himself in survival situations. 

 

I've said my piece. Unfortunately you sound exactly like my dad at the time and that reverberates a bit. I apologize if that's unknowingly coming out. According to him I was making a choice. If I would only try a little more...do X..just be Y... He just couldn't understand what I was going through because it wasn't in his own nature and because I seemed completely normal at home. 

 

Just be aware that there are other explanations for what's going on. I don't have to be right, but I might be. We can only know people...even the people we live with...so well. The only individuals I've met who decided by sheer will to stop talking to strangers (in annoyance or frustration not an anxiety) have been on the spectrum. 

 

I wish you the best. 

 

Sorry if I sound like your Dad, but obviously as a parent I am going to do my very best to help my son out as I'm sure your father intended to do even if you were hurt by his attempts.

Unlike your dad I do know where my son is coming from because I was also extremely shy. I was fortunate enough to have been growing out of it at his age.  His childhood (frequent moves and school changes due to work demands) have probably exacerbated the situation. Now that we have purchased a house and are intending to stay put I'm hoping that over time he will also feel more comfortable and with support and patience be able to handle social situations better. 

 

I think I have touched a nerve with you or brought back unpleasant memories. I'm sorry for that and that certainly wasn't my intention. You see, I am not asking my son to change. I am not trying to make him into an extrovert or asking him to be more outgoing. I think you have misunderstood me.  I am reserved and so is he. I want to help him to handle social situations politely and with less difficulty because regardless of whether he is introvert or shy or any other way he needs to be able to interact and respond to people with courtesy. 

 

Thanks again for your input and advice

[Catwoman]

I don't have any solutions for you, Annie Mae, but I know you're new here, so I wanted to say, WELCOME TO THE FORUMS!!! :)

 

I think it's great that you're trying to help your son develop better social graces, and I'm sure it must be very difficult to see your sweet boy feeling so uncomfortable in social situations. :grouphug:

 

Have you spoken with him and asked him specifically how he feels when he is in a situation where he has to converse with someone he doesn't know very well? It would be helpful to know if he feels nervous because he thinks he will say something stupid, or if he simply can't figure out what to say, or if he just gets so nervous that he can't even think straight. It would seem that his personal feelings about the situations would help you identify the exact problem he's dealing with, so you can work with him accordingly.

[Davysmom]

 

 

Sorry, I am no help! I feel you pain though!!

[texasmama]

Thanks for adding your perspective but I think you have misunderstood me or perhaps I didn't explain the situation well.

I don't think the problem is that that my son is quiet. I'm quiet and reserved and can fully understand a person not liking attention on them. The problem is that he is unable or unwilling to to speak to other people outside of those he is comfortable with.  That includes, uncles and aunts he does not see regularly, his teachers when he attended school, his family doctor and heaven help him if he were ever in a situation where he would have to approach someone for help, like asking for directions from a stranger or a police officer, he wouldn't be able to. 

 

So while I don't see his quiet personality as problematic at all his inability to communicate is something that he will need to grow out of and I will do all that I can to support him in this. This isn't a personality trait it is a behavioural problem.  His quietness isn't the issue but he will have to overcome the social awkwardness he struggles with in order to get on in life. 

 

Do you see the difference? I don't think this is similar to your situation really.

Thanks for your response anyway

He sounds pretty anxious.  Being unable and being unwilling are two very different animals.  Unwiilling is a behavioral issue.  Unable is anxiety. 

 

Haven't read the whole thread, but you can try role-playing with him on different scenarios if he is willing to do this.  Have family members get involved and play roles of different situations he might encounter such as  meeting new people socially, needing to ask directions/information from a stranger, interacting with a salesperson/waitress etc.,  Role-playing situations is really good way to practice them and decrease anxiety/build skills.  Have him play both roles, by the way. 

[Annie Mae]

I don't have any solutions for you, Annie Mae, but I know you're new here, so I wanted to say, WELCOME TO THE FORUMS!!! :)

 

I think it's great that you're trying to help your son develop better social graces, and I'm sure it must be very difficult to see your sweet boy feeling so uncomfortable in social situations. :grouphug:

 

Have you spoken with him and asked him specifically how he feels when he is in a situation where he has to converse with someone he doesn't know very well? It would be helpful to know if he feels nervous because he thinks he will say something stupid, or if he simply can't figure out what to say, or if he just gets so nervous that he can't even think straight. It would seem that his personal feelings about the situations would help you identify the exact problem he's dealing with, so you can work with him accordingly.

Thank you for the welcome.

 

Yes it is difficult to see him uncomfortable especially when I know how much fun he can be and what a great person he is.

He is the youngest in the house and everyone's darling boy. Both his father and I have asked him at times why he finds it so hard to respond to people politely and he doesn't really know why himself yet. He is very close to his sister and talks freely with her but can't explain it to her either.  We haven't spoken too much with him about it because we don't want to put him under further pressure.

 

I'm hoping that now that we have stopped moving around he may gradually start to feel more confident. I think he may always be a quiet, reserved person, both my dh and I are reserved but hopefully over time he will learn how to cope with the shyness he feels in social settings.

 

Thanks again

[Annie Mae]

He sounds pretty anxious.  Being unable and being unwilling are two very different animals.  Unwiilling is a behavioral issue.  Unable is anxiety. 

 

Haven't read the whole thread, but you can try role-playing with him on different scenarios if he is willing to do this.  Have family members get involved and play roles of different situations he might encounter such as  meeting new people socially, needing to ask directions/information from a stranger, interacting with a salesperson/waitress etc.,  Role-playing situations is really good way to practice them and decrease anxiety/build skills.  Have him play both roles, by the way. 

 

Great Idea! Thanks. I think he would be willing to do this and we would probably all have a lot of fun together at the same time.

[Annie Mae]

Oh my word! This sounds like my teen too. I can't figure out what to do with her. All the advice I get is dealing with anxiety or introversion (like in this thread) because people don't understand her. I don't understand her. I have no advice. I will be following this thread though.

 

I was a very very shy introverted kid with anxiety. My daughter is just like your son, but she is not an introvert or anxious at all. She is strangely rather confident and loves being around people. She hates to be alone.  (One of my sons though is very introverted but not at all shy! LOL! Go figure. My shy extrovert and my not shy introvert are total opposites!)

 

She will not talk to anyone outside our family and very very close friends without great prompting on our part. We have tried public speaking which she is very good at, debate and drama. Nothing has really changed with relationships. We have tried reward and punishments to no avail. It is so strange trying to figure out what makes her tick. She is just very shy/quiet, and she is very socially awkward. She comes across as rude and I often have moms asking if their child did something to make her mad at them. We have been in the same homeschool group for 10 years, and she barely says 10 words there unless she is doing a presentation.

 

She has friends she has known a long time, and with those friends she is very comfortable - totally different kid.

 

She does much better texting and chatting online. When we got an extra family cell phone for our teens to use, we set all sorts of limits on texting, but when I discovered she would chat over text with people she didn't know well, I removed all restrictions. (By people she doesn't know well, I mean my cousin or my sister who live out of state or friends in our homeschool group. People we know, but that she is not close to.)

 

She chats over facebook with relatives she has never met. (We don't live near my family.) She even starts conversations with friends she won't talk to in person (from our homeschool group) on facebook. I am constantly amazed when I see her chatting online.

 

No idea how to make it better. With her, I just keep having her do social things. She wants to do them, and it doesn't phase her to sit there the whole time and not talk to anyone. I would never have done that. I would have been so anxious and self conscious.  I worry for her a lot, but I know that is mostly because when I was her age I was so introverted and shy. I hated being pushed out of my comfort zone. I had a lot of anxiety. For me, drama was what got me over that. She is fine and happy and so I let her go and do whatever she wants to. (It is hard for me though to watch all the other teens having fun and her just sitting there watching.)

 

Sorry, I am no help! I feel you pain though!!

I'm glad there are others out there. My son sounds very similar to your daughter.

 

Thanks for chipping in.

[texasmama]

Great Idea! Thanks. I think he would be willing to do this and we would probably all have a lot of fun together at the same time.

I think you would have fun!  It could be a family activity.  :)

 

I have run groups with younger kids with social skills issues, and we used a lot of role-playing.  When kids got stuck on what to say, a coach whispered in their ear.  You can also roleplay the right and they wrong way to act in social situations.  Your teen may have little insight about how he appears to others and that his behavior seems rude.  If someone else nicely played his usual interactions with people, he might get some insight into it.  You don't even have to say "Look what you usually do!".  He might draw the conclusion on his own depending how much insight he has.

[Ali in OR]

We work on this with my two dds also. It's an on-going process. One little thing we do is try to give them opportunities to speak for themselves, like ordering their own food in a restaurant. Give them a couple of bucks and have them order fries and a drink in McDonalds. Or pay for their own slurpee.  It's a short, structured task with a reward (the food). 13 yo takes a couple of classes in a public school and she's responsible for communication with her teachers. When one made in error in the gradebook, she was the one who talked to him to sort it out, not me. But talking to people still doesn't come easily to them. Politeness is one of our character goals for this year, and we're working on some basics like always answering when someone asks you something, and answering immediately so it doesn't become awkward for everyone.

 

Just want to let you know you're not alone and while it's important to work on it, I agree that it doesn't mean there is some deep anxiety issue.

[lailasmum]

I was a very shy child and pretty anxious/awkward (I'm also an introvert) but have to say that acting was not something that helped me, I actually worked professionally in theatre backstage so I did want to be there but I hated being in front of people acting. It doesn't help everybody. I do think that my shyness and awkwardness was from not really understanding what I was supposed to do in most situations because no one really explains what to do or what is an appropriate response or even how to act in many situations they just expect you to figure it out. I used to spend a lot of time thinking about how to do different things because they were rather a mystery. I just didn't pick up on these things. I still don't always and come across blunt but I really don't care these days.

[Annie Mae]

We work on this with my two dds also. It's an on-going process. One little thing we do is try to give them opportunities to speak for themselves, like ordering their own food in a restaurant. Give them a couple of bucks and have them order fries and a drink in McDonalds. Or pay for their own slurpee.  It's a short, structured task with a reward (the food). 13 yo takes a couple of classes in a public school and she's responsible for communication with her teachers. When one made in error in the gradebook, she was the one who talked to him to sort it out, not me. But talking to people still doesn't come easily to them. Politeness is one of our character goals for this year, and we're working on some basics like always answering when someone asks you something, and answering immediately so it doesn't become awkward for everyone.

 

Just want to let you know you're not alone and while it's important to work on it, I agree that it doesn't mean there is some deep anxiety issue.

 

Thank you. These are great suggestions.  They are also situations that he can take charge of and feel in control of.

 

Thanks again

[Annie Mae]

Connect the Thoughts has a manners course. It's really more of a personal look at roles in the family, helping others, examining why it's important to listen to others and respond kindly. It's not a course that spells out manners, but it's about habits, respecting others. I don't agree with it all, but it's a good place to start to help him identify why he's behaving the way he is and have him think about how he's supposed to behave. 

 

or I would see if my library has any of these

 

What do you say when....

 

Everyday Etiquette

 

How to Start Conversations and Make Friends

 

Thanks, I'll take a look at these.

[msjones]

Have you talked to your pediatrician about it?  Could it be a social anxiety disorder?  A phobia of sorts?  There may be some very good treatment available.  I'd say it's worth a call to the doctor.

 

Obviously, I don't know your son.  But my son finally went to see a doctor about an anxiety issue he was having, and I was amazed at how quickly he was helped.  No medication involved, no 'label' -- just some techniques for dealing with fear/anxiety.

 

 He has some great tools now for dealing with this anxiety and I'm amazed at the extent of his progress.

 

He didn't have a general anxiety problem, but a specific one that just kept popping up in certain situations.

 

 I hadn't even thought of seeking help, but my son actually mentioned it to his doctor.  You know how the dr. asks the child at the end of a well-child check if the he has any other issues/questions?  My son mentioned it then and said he wished he could get rid of it.

 

The doctor made a referral, we followed up on it, and are both so glad we did.  Major improvement.  

 

Just wanted to share that in case it was helpful.  Best wishes to your and your boy.

[Annie Mae]

Obviously, I don't know your son.  But my son finally went to see a doctor about an anxiety issue he was having, and I was amazed at how quickly he was helped.  No medication involved, no 'label' -- just some techniques for dealing with fear/anxiety.

 

 He has some great tools now for dealing with this anxiety and I'm amazed at the extent of his progress.

 

He didn't have a general anxiety problem, but a specific one that just kept popping up in certain situations.

 

 I hadn't even thought of seeking help, but my son actually mentioned it to his doctor.  You know how the dr. asks the child at the end of a well-child check if the he has any other issues/questions?  My son mentioned it then and said he wished he could get rid of it.

 

The doctor made a referral, we followed up on it, and are both so glad we did.  Major improvement.  

 

Just wanted to share that in case it was helpful.  Best wishes to your and your boy.

 

Hi,

 

I have spoken to my doctor and he didn't seem overly concerned but I think I'll mention it again. I'm glad things have improved for your son.

 

Thanks for the warm wishes.

[livetoread]

Have you heard of selective mutism? You might want to look into that if you haven't and see if it fits.

[Annie Mae]

An introvert is "re-energized" by aloneness; but doesn't necessarily like being alone all of the time. It's more that they don't want to have to talk, talk, talk all of the time. An extrovert is re-energized by talking!

 

Being generally concerned with their own thoughts and feelings has absolutely NOTHING to do with being an introvert at all.

 

I got that definition from the dictionary, I expect that there is a broad spectrum of behaviours that apply to introverted personalities. I really don't think ds in an introvert. I think he is somewhere in the middle like the rest of us.

It doesn't really matter what he is. If he is an introvert he still needs to learn how to manage the social situations that arise on a daily basis. 

 

thanks for your input

[Jaybee]

I wonder if he would like to have a list of canned answers to memorize, actually--responses to the usual small talk that would be enough to be considered polite without having to carry on a full conversation if he doesn't feel comfortable. I'd bet there are fewer than twenty things people are saying to him that he is having trouble answering on the spot. If he can carry that off, he might then have the confidence to try something like an acting class.

 

 

I bought this book to go through with my boys. It provides some good conversation points for us about social interaction. I believe it was originally written for kids on the autism spectrum, but I think it can be helpful for those who just need some "polishing up" socially as well. Look at the samples first--it may or may not be helpful for your son.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Social-Rules-Kids-The-Kids-Succeed/dp/1934575844/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1377073864&sr=8-1&keywords=social+rules

[Annie Mae]

Have you heard of selective mutism? You might want to look into that if you haven't and see if it fits.

 

Yes,  I have heard of it and asked a professional about it.  I would say he does have a mild form of selective mutism. It's not very well understood here. According to everything I have read or heard about it, the only thing that can be done is to help him overcome it situation by situation, day by day, and help build his confidence when dealing with people.

[Annie Mae]

I bought this book to go through with my boys. It provides some good conversation points for us about social interaction. I believe it was originally written for kids on the autism spectrum, but I think it can be helpful for those who just need some "polishing up" socially as well. Look at the samples first--it may or may not be helpful for your son.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Social-Rules-Kids-The-Kids-Succeed/dp/1934575844/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1377073864&sr=8-1&keywords=social+rules

 

Thanks, I'll take a look at this.