Dear MIL, please....

[Maus]

...call DH directly to ask if he's willing to come to your event.  He has access to the same online calendar I do to check availability, and I don't have access to his brain to check the willingness part.

 

Thank you.

 

--------

Can you tell I just got off the phone with her?  I do think she's pretty good as far as MIL's go, so I really shouldn't be complaining about the one or two quirks that drive me batty....

[bettyandbob]

She might be checking with you to find out if your dh has nothing planned so she can use some guilt on him. I'd just say "I'll give dh a message about your event and tell him to cll you back." I would not let her know about any of his availability.

 

Maybe she's not manipulative like that, but some MILs are.

[KungFuPanda]

When I got my new phone, I didn't give MIL my number. She has NO numbers for DILs because she's famous for trying to do end runs around her sons so the nicer wives will give her the answer she wants. It has solved LOTS of problems. I was the first DIL, so I suffered for years before we figured out this very simple solution. It works great for everyone but MIL . . . she can't stand it.

[Mom2OandE]

I feel your pain!

 

Can I add one? Dear MIL, please stop calling me every time a plane crashes to see if its DH. You know what airline and what airplane he flies.

 

Every single time. Drives me batty. She'll call about a small single engine plane in Alaska. One time I might just say "yes, just yesterday DH left his job to go fly that plane and he didn't tell you." I get at least one calla week! I swear she must google this stuff.

[Maus]

She might be checking with you to find out if your dh has nothing planned so she can use some guilt on him. I'd just say "I'll give dh a message about your event and tell him to cll you back." I would not let her know about any of his availability.

 

Maybe she's not manipulative like that, but some MILs are.

There is something to that, I think.  Early on in our marriage, I was usually the one who encouraged DH to attend his family events.  Extended family is more important to me than to him, somehow.  I just didn't get that, as it wasn't like they didn't get along.

 

You'd think she'd get that I'd rather she talked to him, though, as I've always handed my phone to him when she called (unless he's at work), saying, "He's right here.  You can ask him."  And when we need to talk to them, I have him call or text.

 

When I got my new phone, I didn't give MIL my number. She has NO numbers for DILs because she's famous for trying to do end runs around her sons so the nicer wives will give her the answer she wants. It has solved LOTS of problems. I was the first DIL, so I suffered for years before we figured out this very simple solution. It works great for everyone but MIL . . . she can't stand it.

Now, there's an idea!  I don't want to change my number, though!  I've had it a looong time.... I do sometimes ignore the call and let it go to voice mail, which I then forward to DH.  

[Maus]

I feel your pain!

 

Can I add one? Dear MIL, please stop calling me every time a plane crashes to see if its DH. You know what airline and what airplane he flies.

 

Every single time. Drives me batty. She'll call about a small single engine plane in Alaska. One time I might just say "yes, just yesterday DH left his job to go fly that plane and he didn't tell you." I get at least one calla week! I swear she must google this stuff.

I'm sorry!  My dad used to be like that.  DH and I used to commute daily about 40 miles to the city.  There is only one main freeway, and my dad was fond of listening to the local talk radio's traffic report.  Every time there was an accident, he called to make sure we got home safely.

 

(We don't commute anymore, so it stopped.)

[Georgiana Daniels]

You're brave to let your mil have your phone number. My dear mil request is....please quit reminding me how fat I am, then telling everyone else about it.

[Tammyla]

:iagree: She may be doing an end run around your dh to know he's free and then guilt or fuss about him for not coming. 

 

My mil will always ask about a date and then have a fit if you don't say yes.  Finally, I've learned not to fall for that one anymore.

[Seasider]

My mil will always ask about a date and then have a fit if you don't say yes. Finally, I've learned not to fall for that one anymore.

As in, "Are you busy Saturday night?"

To which if you say no, you cannot escape her invitation?

 

I have learned (the hard way!) that the best initial reply is not yes or no, but "Why do you ask?" Followed by "I'll have to check the calendar/ask dh."

 

Letting some people know there's a hole in your schedule is like giving them carte blanche to fill it!

[Tammyla]

Sort of, but she lives a 5 hour drive each way from us; accepting an invitation involves a large amount of time and usually an overnight. 

 

One year, we drove up early in Decemeber to visit before the roads got bad,  enjoy a Christmas in our home and allow dd to dance in the Christmas program.  She was ticked off that we weren't driving up again and decided to book an Olan Mills picture for the 24th of December :huh:  She notified us of the photo 4 days before. via e-mail.   Wow, was she angry when we didn't come.  (I had told her the year before that we wouldn't be making the trip every year, but they were welcome here.)  And of course, there have been a number of times that she calls on Thursday night and asks what we're doing for the weekend and then decides to drive down on Friday morning for the weekend.  Either way, I know if she asks about any date near or far, she wants something and if she doesn't get it... she gets angry. 

 

Op, sorry for the thread derailment.  I've been married for years and know that things can get worse if you let someone get thier way and walk all over you for the sake of keeping the peace.

 

Sorry for typos, spell check isn't working.

As in, "Are you busy Saturday night?"
To which if you say no, you cannot escape her invitation?

I have learned (the hard way!) that the best initial reply is not yes or no, but "Why do you ask?" Followed by "I'll have to check the calendar/ask dh."

Letting some people know there's a hole in your schedule is like giving them carte blanche to fill it!

 

[Maus]

Op, sorry for the thread derailment. 

Derail away!  I just needed to vent.  Mostly better now, at least until the next time.  :tongue_smilie:

 

I love hearing that other people's IL's have annoying habits, too.

[*Lulu*]

Derail away! I just needed to vent. Mostly better now, at least until the next time. :tongue_smilie:

 

I love hearing that other people's IL's have annoying habits, too.

Oh honey, everybody's in-laws have annoying habits; they suffer from humanity just like the rest of us.

:)

Some in-laws have annoying habits that are more intrusive, others have habits that make relationships with them either unhealthy or unwise, but all of them have at least one thing that makes thier children and their children's spouses want to scream.

 

Mine have several, luckily they are things that DH and I can laugh about and move on. DH has had to deal with much less amusing habits from his in-laws. (I think distance makes some things easier to laugh off as well. My family lives close, his far away.)

[bobbeym]

I can't say Dear MIL... anymore b/c mine has disowned DH (again) and no longer speaks to us.  It's made life much nicer IMO.

 

What got me was her insistence that we make a 3 hr round trip on a Friday night to fix her PC b/c the 14yo nephew hacked it b/c it couldn't possibly wait until Saturday morning.  And THEN she wouldn't move the PC to her bedroom as DH suggested so it kept getting hacked week after week and each Friday we were expected to drive out there to fix it.  :glare: 

 

The final straw was when she absolutely insisted we come pick up some piece of junk she'd picked up for DH from a resale shop b/c she had to have it out of her house *that day*.  We said no b/c we already had plans. She grudgingly agreed to bring it to our house, and we told her several times to call when she was on her way so we could make sure DH was home.  She showed up without calling and of course DH wasn't home.  She stayed 5 minutes with nothing more than a "hello" to our boys, and then had the nerve to b!tch about how it cost her a whole $5 in tollway money to get there and DH wasn't even home when he knew she was coming over. :cursing:   She ignored us for the next 3 months - all through the winter holiday season - and SIL said she "wasn't getting in the middle of it."  MIL at some point unfriended DH on FB and he decided enough was enough and we haven't tried to talk to them since.  

 

He did extend an invite to MIL and SIL via FB messages to DS19's wedding but neither bothered to respond. 

[Violet Crown]

All my MIL's annoying habits only annoy dh, and don't bother me: she wants to know exactly when planes he's on take off and land (so she knows exactly when to start and stop worrying), and she wants to know all the make-mom-proud stuff he does (articles published, appointments to positions, etc.). This used to drive him crazy, but I don't mind at all, as I completely share those anxieties and interests. So she's learned to just call me instead of him for all of it, and we're all three perfectly happy now.

[SJ.]

I love these threads, I use them to make mental notes on how NOT to be a MIL or a parent of an adult, maybe one day I'll write a book about it.   :lol:

[saraha]

My MIL tells everything she knows to everybody. It drives me crazy, and I have learned not to tell them anything. I think it makes her sad that we don't share very deeply with her, or come to her with problems or to vent. I love her so much and this is her only flaw, so it is easy to just keep anything I don't want anyone else to know to myself. She is a mother to me in many ways, so I am kind of sad that I can't ask for her advice about things sometimes, but if I did, then everyone would know what my problem is. In every other way she is a dream MIL so I don't complain too much, unless I let something slip!

[KungFuPanda]

My MIL like to call us when she's visiting her friends. When she's visiting us, she calls her friends. She does t leave the room or anything . . . just starts making calls right there in the living room.

 

????????

[Mom2OandE]

Ah, yes. What we get is "I have a bad feeling about it, my ds should cancel his trip.". Uh, lady, business trips aren't all that optional in your child's line of work. We need to eat, and we don't think a fast food job while waiting for a state gov't job to open up will work for his talents or the local COL.

 

We get hangup calls every time there is bad weather too. That is her method of checking up to see that her children have arrived home.

 

All I can say is that these older ones need a life. MIL has been retired since she was in her late 30s. Since she does not garden or do anything that involves physically working her body, she has a lot of time to occupy. We actually don't go to all her parties; we don't have the time to do an extended family get-together every weekend.

Oh my word! I can't believe she hangs up on you!

[skeeterbug]

My MIL tells everything she knows to everybody. It drives me crazy, and I have learned not to tell them anything. I think it makes her sad that we don't share very deeply with her, or come to her with problems or to vent.

Same here. I can't tell her anything or she repeats it to everyone she knows, it seems. So we've just stopped sharing what's going on with us, we keep it all to the bare minimum. I'm sure she wonders why we don't tell her things, but I just don't want everyone to know everything!

[AmyontheFarm]

Which reminds me, I wonder how my favorite to read about MIL is doing....oh Impish! How is life/ your MIL treating you lately?

 

Ok, seriously you don't have to answer. I just truly think your MIL and my mom have to be related!

[Bang!Zoom!]

I'd blow up the bandwidth on this forum if I started telling MIL stories.

[Impish]

Which reminds me, I wonder how my favorite to read about MIL is doing....oh Impish! How is life/ your MIL treating you lately?

 

Ok, seriously you don't have to answer. I just truly think your MIL and my mom have to be related!

Oh geez.

 

Let's see.

 

Wolf called her to tell her about Cubby's arrival. That held her attention for all of about 30 seconds, and then she launched into a tale about this mom and baby she met on the street. The baby was 4 mths old, and was born w/only one ear. She went on, and on, and on about this baby. Also understand the tone of voice she uses...it's this gossipy, excited tone. (I know exactly the tone of voice, b/c she also felt the need to recount this story into our vm, which only I access). It got to the point where Wolf called her out, asking why she seemed so excited about a baby's health issues, she was just told she had another healthy grandbaby, what was up w/her obsession w/babies having health issues? (The only time she'd mention my pregnancy was to talk about potential health issues the baby could have).

 

Then, as I mentioned before, for the 3rd yr in a row, she's chosen to go to a religious retreat and make no effort to see us. Fine, her choices. But she's totally amping up on her p/a comments, whining and attempting to pressure us into arranging a visit. Wolf told me that he feels like she's pushing for us to go to her this yr. Uh...there's 7 of us, 1 of her. She's a 16 hr drive, one way, if Wolf goes alone. For all of us, it would be 2 days, 12 hrs each to get there. Cubby's feed sched is every 3 hrs, plus all the other stops for everyone else. And we're not paying for her to come here either.

 

We're getting loads of comments...most recently, in a letter, she said something about wishing she were here to make memories and have fun for when she's at home, all alone.

 

yeah. Last yr, after going 3 hrs out of our way to meet up w/her, she spared us a whole hr, where she took pics of the kids, and then went to get ready for a class reunion w/out even saying goodbye. Cause making memories is sooooo important. *eyeroll*

 

I honestly figure it's about her not wanting to have to explain to ppl why she a) didn't see her new grandbaby and b) doesn't have up to date pics to flaunt.

[MollyAnn]

I would love it if my MIL would stop telling people I ruined her sons life.

I would love it if she would stop telling people I keep her from her grandchildren.

I would also love it if she would stop trying to manipulate my children.

A common question to my children is "Don't you want to make me happy"

 

And no, I do not keep her from the kids. She talks to all of them on the phone every week and we have made constant offers to fly her out to visit. In her mind we are supposed to go and visit her. It is DH that says no to that. It would take $2000 to fly all of us there or use up 4 days driving to her. He would rather spend that money and time on vacations to somewhere he wants to go.