Have American Parents Got It All Backwards?

[Mrs Mungo]

Nor do I really think that Korean children are great vegetable eaters because they eat as a family. The traditional food culture is completely different than the States.

 

 

This is a really good point. I am constantly amazed at some of the things adults will not eat. I have had more than one adult tell me that they do not eat fish at all or do not eat vegetables at all. You do not find that much outside of the US in my experience.

[Audrey]

I was lucky in that I had a great mother-in-law who raised 7 kids on a farm (5 before they had plumbing). She was very laid back -- I guess you could say free-range, but she also made sure everybody had what they needed. I took that style to heart and while my kid has always had free run of any part of the farmyard and farm, he also had what he needed (like the knowledge of what equipment does to small creatures, including children, and me there to bring him inside when trucks and equipment are moving about the farmyard). It is true that when on his free time, I have no clue where on the farm he may be, I do know he's there and one of us is never really very far.

 

 

This is a really good point. I am constantly amazed at some of the things adults will not eat. I have had more than one adult tell me that they do not eat fish at all or do not eat vegetables at all. You do not find that much outside of the US in my experience.

 

 

 

Hey! I resemble that remark. I have a good excuse, though. I used to eat a LOT of seafood (having grown up in S. FL), but one day, while surfing, some seafood bit me back. I made a deal with the seafood that I wouldn't eat them anymore, if they don't eat me.

 

I keep my promises. I live in hope that they keep theirs, too. ;) :D

[twoxcell]

Am I the only one who finds these types of articles annoying and condescending? It isn't that some of the info isn't good, it is just the over all tone as if she has it all figured out and the rest of us poor Americans must now benefit from her superior knowledge. I say come back and talk to me when you have grand kids. :leaving: Just because something works in one country doesn't mean it will in another. There are many things on the list that I do. I consider myself to be somewhat relaxed in some areas and much more cautious in others i.e. 3 year olds climbing trees :huh:. I just don't think there is one perfect formula for raising kids.

[Embassy]

Climbing trees? I'm happy if my kids will hang from one monkey bar for 2 seconds. And even that took some bribing. I was a daredevil as a kid and my kids aren't even close to that. There is so much more to this issue than a parenting style - at least for my kids.

 

However, I would not let my 3 year old or 4 year old run around on a family farm on her own because there was access to a road where cars and trucks would speed by.

[Mommyfaithe]

I'll pull this article out the next time I need to defend my parenting style. I knew I wasn't the crazy one .

 

 

Must be us moms of many! I couldn't possibly helicopter that many at once! We climb trees, we use real knives, we let our kids sleep by us or in each others rooms....now, I need to work a bit more on the obligation thing!

[LibraryLover]

Will not click. I can't take the 'parenting for excellence' stuff anymore.

[goldberry]

[/size]

Some kids may never have common sense.

 

 

DD is 14 and I'm still waiting.

 

Oh wait, DH is 52 now....

[Guest hannah_197]

Here are my thoughts on the article:

http://thechronicles...oking-from.html

[Embassy]

Here are my thoughts on the article:

http://thechronicles...oking-from.html

 

 

Welcome! And you make some great points! Thanks for the link.

[Guest hannah_197]

Thank you!! I'm looking forward to hanging out here more :)

[KungFuPanda]

I love these articles that say "American parents do x, y, and z." I'm an American parent, so were my parents and grandparents and this article does not describe us. It doesn't describe most of my friends either.

[Susan in TN]

On the subject of knives and climbing things . . .

 

Boy Scouts has fabulous training for knives...

 

 

*wry smile*

 

And sometimes that's not enough...a couple years ago my now almost Eagle Scout gave his thumb a bad cut with a brand new knife while cutting a bagel. Had to take him to the ER for stitches where he apparently picked up a weird flu virus that prevented him from going on a high adventure trip to the Boundary Waters the next week.

 

So we had not only the ER bill but also lost over $1000 for the missed trip (too late for refunds). I hate knives.

[naturegirl]

This kids loves everyone and would not hesitate to go home with someone he just met, or announce our address to the random teenagers at the park to invite them over. No matter how many times I go over the rules, what could happen, etc. It just doesn't sink in.

 

 

I'm so glad my kid isn't the only one who does this. I can't tell you how many times I've dragged him out of the post office or grocery store or away from the park with him yelling out our address to some stranger he just met, inviting them over to our house.

[2boysmom]

Well, the article was interesting and thought-provoking. But I can tell you (because I've lived in Japan for 17+ years) that the author really doesn't understand Japanese culture. Sure, they may be able to cook, because they have cooking classes in Japanese schools at a young age, but many do not know how to speak and have a conversation with an adult outside their peer group. They don't really climb trees in Japan (the author didn't say this, but I felt it worth mentioning). They have very little free time, and what free time they have is cram school. Many of my friends' children (20s, and 30s even) still live with their parents and expect their parents to feed them breakfast, lunch and dinner! They are not flexible, because from an early age, they have been taught to blend in, and the teacher thinks for them, or those in authority. To think for oneself is sometimes frightening. I just wonder about the other countries she highlighted. If this is true of Japan, there are likely other hidden truths in the other countries as well. Still, it was an interesting take on parenting. Also, Japan has one of the highest suicide rates in the world. Guess that kinda blows her theory a bit.

[Punks in Ontario]

Re: the tree climbing. My ds15 who's been a tree climber from a very young age has fallen out of a few trees with no injuries yet. The two times he broke his arm, he fell of the couch and slipped on something on the bare ground.

 

And we have let them use knives when they were too young to be afraid of them. That said, when my youngest was given a jack knife at age 8, he had it put up because, "you can get cut with that." The others all were actively whittling with them by then.

[Trish]

My daughter broke her wrist walking the dog. Totally broke thru one of the bones. We joke that she could have at least been doing something exciting when she broke it. A friend of hers broke his tripping over a tree root, his brother riding his bike. The next door neighbor at the playground.

 

None of these kids were doing anything inherently dangerous. If you are worried about them getting hurt because you can't afford it you'd better buy bubble wrap and duck tape them to the sofa. Kids get hurt. Period. Fact of life. At least if they get hurt falling out of a tree they have a story to tell. And if they don't fall out of a tree they have great memories.

Depends on how high up in the tree they are.

[MinivanMom]

I must not be American enough. None of that was news to me.

 

 

I agree. The author sure has a lot of stereotypes about American parents.

 

I am teaching my kids how to do things and how to be safe, rather than avoiding everything. But I don't think we live in a world where I can just set them loose and see what happens. My children are the most precious part of my life. I feel an obligation as their mother to help them survive childhood.

 

It is true that in societies with high death rates among children, the adults are much stronger and healthier. But I would rather not go that route of weeding out the weak with my own kids. I think at least one might not make it.

 

 

There are many "free-range" parents who are actively parenting their children, but it can also be a cover for neglect and a lack of caring. I think those situations are what many parents are reacting to when they tell "free-range" horror stories. I was raised in a neglectful home where our mother simply did not care about us. Today she would have a fancy label to put on the neglect; she could have called herself a "free-range" parent. Really, she was just uncaring and neglectful. Unfortunately, a certain percentage of self-proclaimed "free-range" parents probably fall into this category.

 

Giving your children independence and freedom . . . along with appropriate instruction and caring . . . is a wonderful thing. Setting them loose and hoping for the best (so that you can get on with your own life) most certainly is not. Hovering does not make a child feel loved, but neither does ignoring them completely. I did not feel loved. People on the outside thought we were the most independent, responsible children they had ever encountered. No kidding. We had to take care of ourselves, because we had nobody to help us or to fall back on. I survived my childhood, but it was not easy. One of my siblings did not make it.

[Meriwether]

This is one of those things where I seem to agree with both sides. I seem to firmly in the middle.

[Caroline]

I have read that bagels are the most dangerous food. Needing stitches from slicing a bagel is one of the most common kitchen knife injuries. Hope that makes you feel a little better.

 

My kids climb trees, run around, ride bikes, etc. i do draw the line at skateboarding. I will say that we have excellent insurance, though. ER visits cost us $100. Period. Even with a CAT scan.

 

 

 

*wry smile*

 

And sometimes that's not enough...a couple years ago my now almost Eagle Scout gave his thumb a bad cut with a brand new knife while cutting a bagel. Had to take him to the ER for stitches where he apparently picked up a weird flu virus that prevented him from going on a high adventure trip to the Boundary Waters the next week.

 

So we had not only the ER bill but also lost over $1000 for the missed trip (too late for refunds). I hate knives.

[LibraryLover]

Not sure if anyone has been to a Target recently, but the baby carrier choices are astounding. You don't even have to buy wraps online anymore. It does get any more 'American"/mainstream to have a huge national chain selling such products. They carry them, because people - millions of people- buy them.

[LibraryLover]

This is one of those things where I seem to agree with both sides. I seem to firmly in the middle.

 

 

 

LOL I know. My kids bike, walk, play, run barefoot in Lyme country etc. I think trampolines are fine. ;) don't worry about academics at 3, my kids got pocket knives in their Christmas stockings, they slept with us for years, and not only did they climb trees, they played in the woods unsupervised.

 

Oh, and Yuppie-type parents, the ones I assume are hyper-parenting, don't use plastic sippy cups, they use Kleen Kanteens, or Mason jars. I do love that Italian children eat gorgeous meals at school, with real silver and tableware. That is really lovely. (Italian chefs started the international Slow Food movement. Italians revere and respect food, so they get major props for that. But really, Italy has a declining population, so how many school age children live in Italy? 100? ;) )

 

I agree most public school kids aren't getting enough playtime in school, and I think we've gone crazy teaching to tests. That is a failure of our system for sure. Perhaps we will eventually get that through the skulls of the people who make policy. In my years as a parent, I have seen people become far more thoughtful about the kind of food their children eat. I am seen the growth of CSAs etc. Maybe we can turn this around as well. If reading about the Finnish and their test scores helps, great.

 

But I simply don't see that most American kids as 'failing' , or that most parents are getting it so backwards. Some American families are not doing the best job, but aren't most people doing the best they can? I spend a good deal of time in cities, and kids are the subway, walking around the city without parents, they are running around the parks etc. I constantly see kids doing really dangerous skateboarding. It takes my breath away. There is also the occasional shark attack story which reminds me there are lots of young people taking 'risks' surfing. Plus, I get the REI catalog. ;)

 

I do agree that *some* people think it's more dangerous to be a child today, and I do agree more folks need to turn off the news. I just don't agree that American children are going to hell in a hand- basket. I do think a whole lot of hardworking, educated young people are going to be jobless. So for sure they will be living with their parents.

[Chloe]

My youngest has been up trees since tiny.

Others have been concerned, but she knows the rule, as she hears it often.

When you fall out, don't land on your head.

 

This is us. All the other neighborhood kids get my children to climb the trees to get balls and things that get stuck up in the branches. They can't believe how well and high my kids can climb. Don't want to jinx myself, but four children and not a broken bone yet.

[kiwik]

My rule is - don't climb up if you can't climb down unless you are prepared to fall. We had a free range farm childhood BUT we followed the rules to the letter because they were safety issues - no going into water without an adult, no fires without permission etc. None of us ever broke a bone but there were some minor injuries.

[Soror]

I do similarly to many things listed in the article, as I try to emulate what were to me the best parts of my own childhood. I think quite often we value independence so much but push it in all the wrong ways. I especially agree with that in regard to co-sleeping. I always find it ironic that all these people that told me co-sleeping would mean they would never be out of my bed or always be crawling in there all the time are the very ones that have that problem, whereas I don't at all. We do snack too much here, or rather the kids do. We are better and worse at times but with the new baby I let them free range too much in that regard just to make my life easier.

 

 

I do also agree however that parents that free range can come off cold and uncaring sometimes and can be entirely negligent. I do allow my children a lot of independence. I expect that they can do many things on their own and give them a fair amount of freedom. I think giving them that competence in so many areas really helps to build their confidence. Letting them try and try again to master tasks while I'm there coaching and cheering as needed helps to build their persistence. However, I also have high expectations for their behavior and how they treat others.

 

 

I do think our culture (in general) has swung to far in the direction of being child-centered. It is a good thing that children are no longer just seen as a parent's property to do as they see fit. It is good that children aren't sent to work in factories and such (as should be the case all over the world). However, we now seem to have little remembrance of all the things children can do, if taught and allowed. I think that lack of responsibility and confidence in their abilities is detrimental to our overall goals.

 

I also think that the article could be written about any culture to highlight their weaknesses (of course what those failings are would depend on who you ask!).