Scarlett Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 I am very disturbed by how quick some are to recommend divorce. She has two very young children with this man. I doubt he is a horrible person. More likely he just isn't really THINKING about the older kids the way he should be. And FWIW, I struggle with this issue with my step sons.......even though they don't live with us......I sometimes have to readjust my thinking that these two boys of dh are JUST AS IMPORTANT as my ds. I don't think it always comes naturally...it seems to be natural for my dh toward my ds more so than it is for me toward his sons. Just because something doesn't come natural or easily doesn't mean it can't be achieved. Thus counseling. I am so glad your dh agreed to counseling. Please follow through on that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 I agree. But I do wonder if this is the only issue. Seems unlikely that it's the only issue. Not saying the OP should get a divorce. Ugh, I can't imagine going through that once let alone twice. I guess I think of myself and I think I am a good wife and partner but I know my thinking has to be corrected sometimes about his boys. I take very deliberate actions to correct myself. Her dh can do the same thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 OP, it sounds like your husband doesn't respect you and doesn't love your children. In addition to marriage counseling (I'll be surprised if he actually goes), YOU need to talk to someone to figure out why you don't feel like you deserve better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 I am very disturbed by how quick some are to recommend divorce. She has two very young children with this man. I doubt he is a horrible person. More likely he just isn't really THINKING about the older kids the way he should be. And FWIW, I struggle with this issue with my step sons.......even though they don't live with us......I sometimes have to readjust my thinking that these two boys of dh are JUST AS IMPORTANT as my ds. I don't think it always comes naturally...it seems to be natural for my dh toward my ds more so than it is for me toward his sons. Just because something doesn't come natural or easily doesn't mean it can't be achieved. Thus counseling. I am so glad your dh agreed to counseling. Please follow through on that. Not so much divorce, but that a hard, unwavering stance needs to be taken, and if there is fall out from that, then she has to be ready to do what she needs to do. Those children are being emotionally abused, and that is not to be stood for, at all. Period. A hard line in the sand needs to be drawn, and it's up to step dad to shape up or ship out, she's giving him the chance to make the change. The ball will be in his court to man up, and he may chose not to. SHe needs to be ready for that, but ever hopeful that he might be willing to change. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 I have been thinking a lot about your kids. I remember how hard it was knowing I didn't count in one part of my family. I was lucky to have a step dad who loved me like his own as well, so I still had two loving parents. And my dad and step mother eventually divorced and I was able to repair my relationship with him, though it took years. My current step mother helped with that actually. I'm glad your dh agreed to counseling. Please make sure it is a counselor who is experienced in dealing with blended families. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 I am very disturbed by how quick some are to recommend divorce. She has two very young children with this man. I doubt he is a horrible person. More likely he just isn't really THINKING about the older kids the way he should be. And FWIW, I struggle with this issue with my step sons.......even though they don't live with us......I sometimes have to readjust my thinking that these two boys of dh are JUST AS IMPORTANT as my ds. I don't think it always comes naturally...it seems to be natural for my dh toward my ds more so than it is for me toward his sons. Just because something doesn't come natural or easily doesn't mean it can't be achieved. Thus counseling. I am so glad your dh agreed to counseling. Please follow through on that. I guess for my part, I am just horrified that a step child would be treated that way. I wasn't a step child, but I have known people who were and who felt the burn of being unwanted. They didn't get over it. They didn't form relationships with half siblings that they kept in adulthood. They didn't maintain relationships with bio parents. They were on there own. Which was the message they got. as a kid. Not the message I'd ever want any of my kids to get. I'd rather go through the financial and emotional pain of splitting the family than giving any child the message that he's "less than" or "not worthy". It's just wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 I guess for my part, I am just horrified that a step child would be treated that way. I wasn't a step child, but I have known people who were and who felt the burn of being unwanted. They didn't get over it. They didn't form relationships with half siblings that they kept in adulthood. They didn't maintain relationships with bio parents. They were on there own. Which was the message they got. as a kid. Not the message I'd ever want any of my kids to get. I'd rather go through the financial and emotional pain of splitting the family than giving any child the message that he's "less than" or "not worthy". It's just wrong. I just think these things can be fixed. He can CHANGE his attitude. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 OP, I am struggling to keep my second marriage intact. How my kids perceive committment and marriage is a big factor. Weighing the impact of a break up on them is a HUGE consideration. My reasons for thinking separation are completely different (my husband is truly not the man I married and there are ongoing behavioral/cognitive issues that impact us). I don't have children *with* him. And I am still very hesistant to end it. Please get professional help yourself, and for the kids, regardless of whether he joins you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 Forgive me if I am wrong but didn't the OP post something similar last year. If this is the same poster my advice is the same. Counseling for both. If he won't do it, I would be preparing for a divorce. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 Not so much divorce, but that a hard, unwavering stance needs to be taken, and if there is fall out from that, then she has to be ready to do what she needs to do. Those children are being emotionally abused, and that is not to be stood for, at all. Period. A hard line in the sand needs to be drawn, and it's up to step dad to shape up or ship out, she's giving him the chance to make the change. The ball will be in his court to man up, and he may chose not to. SHe needs to be ready for that, but ever hopeful that he might be willing to change. Yes. I agree with line in sand. But how that is done is important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 Another shocked person here. I had a stepdad. My sister stayed with my dad, I went with mom/stepdad. We have a strange relationship but from day one he treated me as one of his own. He bought me my first car and helped me find repair people when it needed it. His last son was a mess and he threw him out of the house when he got into illegal things b/c he believed it to be the best choice(it was...kid is now police officer lol). part of his decision was to protect me. I was part of the deal with marrying my mom. And if my sister wanted to be with mom he accepted her too. We weren't easy on him, but he was a fair parent. I think you deserve more respect. I think you and your husband need to consider how the kids are being affected by all this. They will notice. It will cause more division. It's a mess and I only know one person who has been in a similar situation. They couldn't resolve it. The man treated his kids better than his stepkids. She finally divorced to protect her kids. The shared kids knew things weren't fair. They didn't have a voice to help. And mom wasn't a voice either. Be a voice. Stand up to this, and get counseling so you can get it fixed to be a better situation for everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
treestarfae Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 Does he give the first wife extra money for events when needed? Does your ex give you money for events/trips? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 I know we've been concentrating solely on how the OP's dh's behavior and attitude impacts the kids, but ultimately, the bigger problem here may be the way in which he treats her. He's treating her like a child -- and not like one of his "favorites," either. :glare: For heaven's sake, she has to ask for money and tell him how she's going to spend it. She has to practically beg him to provide things for her dc. That is BAD. Ultimately, her dh is not going to change his attitude toward her children until he changes his attitude toward her -- and she is the one who needs to insist on that, as well as making sure her dc are treated fairly. I'm glad to hear they're going to counseling, and I'm surprised that her dh has agreed to it so quickly, so I can only hope that her is amenable to making some changes. I hope the counselor can help the OP realize deserves better treatment than she is getting -- and that she is ultimately responsible for the way her dh is treating her children, because she has been letting him get away with it for years, instead of calling him out for it right at the beginning and making sure changes were made. I'm sorry to sound so harsh -- and I know some people can be overwhelmed by a very controlling personality like the OP's dh, but I'm really hoping that the counseling will help her realize that she can and should have some control over her marriage, and that her feelings and opinions matter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 Yes. I agree with line in sand. But how that is done is important. I totally agree. But, her job is to protect the those who have no defense. SHE is their defense, and if he chooses to not change--and that is a *hefty* change for him to consider, not impossible, but it will change his whole paradigm on how he treats everyone around him-- she still has to protect the defenseless. Even if it against her own husband. With God all things are possible, of that I have no doubt. But we also have free will to make horrible decisions and choices that are not centered in love. Hope, pray, and start her own savings account. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TraceyS/FL Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 I know we've been concentrating solely on how the OP's dh's behavior and attitude impacts the kids, but ultimately, the bigger problem here may be the way in which he treats her. He's treating her like a child -- and not like one of his "favorites," either. :glare: For heaven's sake, she has to ask for money and tell him how she's going to spend it. She has to practically beg him to provide things for her dc. That is BAD. Ultimately, her dh is not going to change his attitude toward her children until he changes his attitude toward her -- and she is the one who needs to insist on that, as well as making sure her dc are treated fairly. My ex was doing this with the kids and I. It got really really really bad.... He is better in some ways now but there are still areas that he sucks at - and I know that it his step-granddaughter gets more than my kids when they are there (she lives with them most of the time I think). He also isn't paying his share of the kids activities or for repairs on the house. But, my kids don't see that day to day - the demeaning aspect of me having to make a grocery list with prices and ask for that money, and only get that exact amount. It is better, and they also see me in a positive relationship. I hope the OP's husband is a willing participant in the counseling sessions and it works out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 I totally agree. But, her job is to protect the those who have no defense. SHE is their defense, and if he chooses to not change--and that is a *hefty* change for him to consider, not impossible, but it will change his whole paradigm on how he treats everyone around him-- she still has to protect the defenseless. Even if it against her own husband. With God all things are possible, of that I have no doubt. But we also have free will to make horrible decisions and choices that are not centered in love. Hope, pray, and start her own savings account. I agree she needs to protect the defenseless. Savings account.......I assume if worst comes to worst she gets half their marital assets, but I would prefer to encourage her to solve the problems...because a divorce will bring on new problems. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 Scarlett, I understand where you are coming from, and absolutely agree that people can change, but let me ask you this, if your husband said he intended to get an additional job to provide for his child, would it ever occur to you to tell him that he would still need your permission to spend that money? I suspect that it the behavior that is setting off so many warning bells for other posters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 Scarlett, I understand where you are coming from, and absolutely agree that people can change, but let me ask you this, if your husband said he intended to get an additional job to provide for his child, would it ever occur to you to tell him that he would still need your permission to spend that money? I suspect that it the behavior that is setting off so many warning bells for other posters. I think that's an excellent question for the OP to ask herself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tots2teens Posted March 7, 2013 Author Share Posted March 7, 2013 I appreciate all of your responses! You guys have given me a lot to think about. I must admit that I have been pretty shocked that so many have recommended divorce. I realize that there is a lot wrong with my situation (and this is not the only issue) but I do want to try counseling first. Stay or go? Seems like nobody wins in either case. Try to fix the situation seems like the only way to benefit all the kids. Of course, I realize that if that doesn't work, then more drastic measures would need to be taken. I will have my eyes wide open now for other controlling behaviors. Ever get to a point in your life where you wondered how on earth you got there? And, no, I have not posted about this before. I don't really post very much and never about such personal issues. Makes me sad there was someone else in my situation. Wonder how it worked out for her? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aggieamy Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 Scarlett, I understand where you are coming from, and absolutely agree that people can change, but let me ask you this, if your husband said he intended to get an additional job to provide for his child, would it ever occur to you to tell him that he would still need your permission to spend that money? I suspect that it the behavior that is setting off so many warning bells for other posters. :iagree: Sometimes there's a few warning bells and red flags and sometimes there's a fifty piece brass band with a drill team waving red flag marching around. It never hurts to keep your eyes open in situations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 I appreciate all of your responses! You guys have given me a lot to think about. I must admit that I have been pretty shocked that so many have recommended divorce. I realize that there is a lot wrong with my situation (and this is not the only issue) but I do want to try counseling first. Stay or go? Seems like nobody wins in either case. Try to fix the situation seems like the only way to benefit all the kids. Of course, I realize that if that doesn't work, then more drastic measures would need to be taken. I will have my eyes wide open now for other controlling behaviors. Ever get to a point in your life where you wondered how on earth you got there? And, no, I have not posted about this before. I don't really post very much and never about such personal issues. Makes me sad there was someone else in my situation. Wonder how it worked out for her? OP, here is one industry standard barometer that helps people know if non physical abuse is occuring. http://www.ncdsv.org/images/powercontrolwheelnoshading.pdf Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 This post just makes me so sad. I have a SS, and work very, very hard to make sure that he knows he is part of our family - that he is essential, and loved, and every bit as important as the other kids. I do this because I never, never want him to feel the way I felt growing up - that he is the unwanted stepchild. As an adult, the discrepancies are still there between how my siblings are treated and the way I am... But I don't care in the same way, and though it stings - I can let it roll off now, but that's after lots of therapy and outside support. OP, your kids feel this in their souls, and it will impact them on many, many levels if it continues. It hurts. :( I'm sorry you're going through this, and hope you get help working through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clarkacademy Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 I totally agree with all of this. Just because I was divorced once, doesn't mean I'm ok with it. I would love to avoid divorce a second time. Mainly, for my younger kids. Don't you worry that the older kids are probally feeling pretty crappy about now? Isn't that the same sort of behavior your husband has in a way putting certain children before the others? I grew up with a step dad like this and it just kills me that I'm in the same situation. My mom never stood up for me. I try very, very hard to stand up for my kids (all of them). It is a constant battle and I know that they notice. It breaks my heart. But like you had to pay for your moms choice tey are now paying for your choice? The kids didn't ask for this why are they being punished because you wanted to get married? Usually, I just spend the money on whatever I want for the kids. Or I will just buy whatever they need without even asking (because I know the look & comment I will get). But if it's anything big, I know it's going to be a fight. Sometimes I will even put a little money aside here & there if I know of an upcoming expense. It's a terrible way to live, I know. Yet again your still making them live this way not just you but them. Of course, he wasn't like this when we got married. Everything was great then (that's why I married him right?). At the time, all of the kids (his & mine) lived with us. It was easy to make it "fair", to make sure everybody got an equal share. The problem then was that his kids always got so much more from the rich grandmother. It was grossly unequal. Think Christmas with my two having one present each and his having a mountain of presents. Oh yes, I put up a big fight! He would say that he doesn't have any control over what other people do. but the fact that it didn't get changed then showed you what kind of man he was. And I tried very hard to make sure my kids knew it wasn't about the "stuff". But really, what kid can get over that? The last straw with that situation was when "our" kids were born. They were ignored by the grandmother just as much as my older two. He wouldn't put up with that & we have no contact with her now. Anyway, his kids live with their mom now & they are mostly cared for by the grandmother. I agree with most of you about counseling. I discussed it with dh and he is willing to go! So while he is in counseling or whatever the kids will still be treated like what? Unwanted guests in their not so happy home? I hate to sound mean I hate to say that divorce is the only answer or sound cold but these are my kids, Cheat on me, beat me treat me any way you lke but my kids are not part of the deal and you cross that line your gone because my kids are worth more to me than any man father or not. Your kids are teens they will be out on their own soon are they really gonna want to continue a relationship with the mom who chose a man over them? Will they care about the bratty sibs that came first instead of an equal? No they won't. They will start their own life with very hurt feelings probally making bad choices because of it along the way. Like I said I don't want to sound cruel or hateful but why is it kids have to pay so much for their parents choices? They only get one childhood, what right as parents do we have to bring people in their lives and let them be treated like crap? It just don't seem right at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 tots2teens, I didn't want to quote you because you asked us not to, but I just wanted to let you know I read your update, and I think you're doing the right thing by giving your dh a chance to change (and attend counseling with you,) as well as realizing that you may need to take more drastic action if the situation doesn't improve despite all of your efforts. My only additional advice to you would be to mark a date on your calendar as your "deadline for change." You don't need to tell your dh about it -- this is just for you! On that date, reassess your situation. If your dh hasn't made dramatic changes by that point, assume that he never will. It wouldn't hurt to make yourself a list of the issues that are causing problems in your marriage and with your children, and using that list when you reassess things. It's very easy to just keep letting things go and hoping for the best, when you don't have a deadline. And this isn't something that you can let go, because it's affecting your kids. I wish you the very best with this, and if you could use some prayers, please post here and ask, because lots of us are pulling for you! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TraceyS/FL Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 Ever get to a point in your life where you wondered how on earth you got there? Yup.... it happens, don't beat yourself up over the past - just try to get things sorted out going forward. :grouphug: And I do hope that it all works out for you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMV Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 How is the relationship between your older children (with your ex) and your younger children (with your current husband)? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted March 8, 2013 Share Posted March 8, 2013 I think also that it is vital that you talk to your kids. The most important thing is that they know you see the unfair treatment and that you are NOT ok with it. Kids can put up,with a lot---and lets face it--life is rarely fair---as long as they know they have someone in their corner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted March 8, 2013 Share Posted March 8, 2013 I appreciate all of your responses! You guys have given me a lot to think about. I must admit that I have been pretty shocked that so many have recommended divorce. I realize that there is a lot wrong with my situation (and this is not the only issue) but I do want to try counseling first. Stay or go? Seems like nobody wins in either case. Try to fix the situation seems like the only way to benefit all the kids. Of course, I realize that if that doesn't work, then more drastic measures would need to be taken. I will have my eyes wide open now for other controlling behaviors. Ever get to a point in your life where you wondered how on earth you got there? And, no, I have not posted about this before. I don't really post very much and never about such personal issues. Makes me sad there was someone else in my situation. Wonder how it worked out for her? don't forget that this is an Internet forum. It is easy for people who don't really know you and your situation to shout divorce. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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