Why are you scared of counseling?

[Scarlett]

 

 

WHAT?!

 

LOL kidding. I feel honored that you at least mentioned my name.

 

LOL. I do find kindred spirits in the most unlikely of places.

[I.Dup.]

Well I'll further add that I'd avoid counseling in huge part because unless I could find someone who supports homeschooling I would be afraid that would be their solution to all of my problems. Having a bad day with the kids? Send them to school. Kid doesn't listen sometimes? Send him to school. Kid hates vegetables? Send him to school. My spouse drives me nuts? Send your kids to school.

 

 

I worry about this too. Like you said, it wouldn't keep me from refusing counseling if I thought it could help or if we really needed it, but I think the same thing. It's also why I don't ask friends who send their kids to school about parenting problems.

[pdalley]

I'm not afraid of it at all. We've had very excellent experience with it and very horrible experiences with it. Like going to a doctor for something ailing your body you have good doctors and bad ones. You have to be sure you've got a good fit and the same goals in mind.

 

The boy's cognitive therapist is very supportive of homeschooling and the one I see - who is also a MD - is very supportive of it. I had to look a long time to find them but they are out there and it really has helped.

[lea_lpz]

I'm not afraid of it at all. We've had very excellent experience with it and very horrible experiences with it. Like going to a doctor for something ailing your body you have good doctors and bad ones. You have to be sure you've got a good fit and the same goals in mind.

 

The boy's cognitive therapist is very supportive of homeschooling and the one I see - who is also a MD - is very supportive of it. I had to look a long time to find them but they are out there and it really has helped.

 

It's going to very so much on the individual therapist. My faculty advisor, who is a psychologist, is very supportive of me homeschooling as well as trying to help me find an in internship / future job to enable me to still homeschool.

[beaners]

Eh. My family of origin values counseling. I see the act of going to the counselor as giving more benefit than the actual counseling received, but that's based completely on my own experience. Taking the time to go by yourself or as a family makes it clear that this is a thing you care about or prioritize, again in my experience. The actual counseling received was never ground-breaking for me, as a child whose parents divorced in the 90s. I heard "it's not about you" so many times that I started to wonder if it really was and everyone was just saying that to make me feel better. My family and I went for various other issues that cropped up through my teenage years and when I was in college. I'll admit that I was trying to get out of future sessions more than solve the problems we were dealing with at those times. It seemed to be helpful enough for my siblings though.

 

If I were considering counseling right now, we would need to do some very serious schedule juggling to make it work. Being willing to make that sacrifice, or being willing to pay the money for it, would be the "game-changer" in a way that the counseling I've been in has never been. I've seen half a dozen counselors in my life, not even counting all the school psychologists, and none of them have done more for me than that family investment in taking the time and money to make it work. I'm willing to admit that other people may have had very different counseling experiences.

[Orthodox6]

I'm leery of counselling because if secular practitioner, ideas wholly incompatible with our worldview would be offered. (some of the help would be useful, other would be offensive). If from a religious practitioner, same thing holds. (There is no surplus of Eastern Orthodox counsellors!) When needed with parenting troubles, our priests have been our best resources. We have had nothing so horrible as to require the kind of intervention needed for divorce, abuse, financial fraud, or whatever.

 

It does seem as if counselling is suggested more than possibly needed for readily resolvable issues. When people post about serious issues such as spousal abuse (verbal, intimidation, physical, etc.) or abuse by a parent (same list), it is not out-of-line to raise the issue of outside intervention/mediation.

[Excelsior! Academy]

I grew up with parents who have a mental illness and I have been through some HORRIFIC counseling.

 

That said, I'm absolutely not against counseling. I definitely don't rush to it though because I've had bad experiences.

 

I have family who utilized counseling and I am pretty sure those doing the counseling would have benefitted from being counseled more than said family members!

 

I am not scared of counseling. I just happen to think that 99.9% of it is total bunk.

 

Yep. Pretty much!

 

I thought this board *was* my source for free therapy. You mean it's not?

 

100% Totally agree!!

[Catwoman]

 

LOL kidding. I feel honored that you at least mentioned my name.

 

I was all excited when she mentioned my name, too. :blush:

[Scarlett]

I was all excited when she mentioned my name, too. :blush:

 

 

:smilielol5:

 

We are a needy bunch aren't we?

[Catwoman]

 

 

:smilielol5:

 

We are a needy bunch aren't we?

 

 

Has anyone mentioned yet how wonderful Scarlett is? :001_wub:

[Scarlett]

Has anyone mentioned yet how wonderful Scarlett is? :001_wub:

 

:smilielol5:

 

Thanks Cat. I needed that. :thumbup:

[Catwoman]

I get my counseling from this board. It's pretty good and cheap.

 

It works for me, too! :)

[Scarlett]

I get my counseling from this board. It's pretty good and cheap.

 

It works for me, too! :)

 

Me 3!

[Audrey]

I have not seen this adverse reaction you are talking about here. I'm generally quite pro-mental health. That said, counseling is just one tool in that tool-box, but it isn't the only one. It really depends on the person and the situation as to whether counseling would be a good idea. Does it get over-recommended? Maybe, but a recommendation isn't a mandate. There's no need to get bothered by it. If it doesn't fit for you, don't go.

[Parrothead]

I've recommended counseling many times in the past. So I'm not counseling-phobic.

[misty.warden]

I think people misunderstand what counseling is for and why it's helpful. As for why we can't just use common sense? I can't begin to list all the things I think would be common sense that people do the exact opposite and wonder why it doesn't work out for them. If everyone in the situation were using it, they wouldn't be having that problem, KWIM? Counseling is for when the common sense has failed, something I suggest when another ear might be needed, maybe a different perspective or source might be more helpful than one of the people involved in the conflict. Mediators and counselors are neutral parties and having that external source can make a difference. True, there are bunk therapists, ones who drag it out for cash, people who don't believe anyone outside the family should be privy to family affairs, etc but that doesn't mean it isn't an option for people who want to use it. Some honestly don't know clergy offer that kind of advice or that there are other options besides the expensive laying on the couch type of therapy.

[TranquilMind]

'Catwoman':

I think that is part of why sometimes people get offended at the suggestion of counseling. They come here to post about what they consider to be a relatively minor issue or something bigger that they think they can deal with on their own, hoping for some BTDT common sense replies, and then people start telling them that they need professional counseling.

 

Ummm.... hello???

Yes! How DID our parents, grandparents, great-grandparents and all the rest ever get through their lives without having counselors to call?

 

 

 

If someone posts that they're in a crisis situation or that they know they can't handle a particular problem or issue, I'm all for recommending counseling, but it seems that much of the time, the OP just wants some basic ideas and suggestions on things she can try on her own, yet all of a sudden she's hearing that her family is a total mess and that she's not equipped to handle the problem she's having, and the only possible solution is to immediately schedule an appointment with a counselor.

 

I've been on the business end of some of this advice myself, and it just wasn't the way to go at the time.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes! How DID our parents, grandparents, great-grandparents and all the rest ever get through their lives without having counselors to call?

 

 

 

 

 

I've been on the business end of some of this advice myself, and it just wasn't the way to go at the time.

 

Any time anyone starts a thread asking for advice, they are going to get a variety of advice (except for a very few notable cases). I think most people are aware that the OP of any thread is the only one who really knows the circumstances and the personalities involved. So of course, the OP should choose what helps and ignore what doesn't.

 

I don't think that counseling is always the way to go. But I don't think that it is wrong for people to suggest it as something to consider. Personally I have not used a counselor though I have considered it once or twice. I don't think it is a stupid suggestion or one that is demeaning or anything else. It's just one option available - one that sometimes people forget they have.

 

As far as previous generations go? I think you will find plenty of dysfunction and even abuse in the past. Some of which would have benefited from a good counselor.

[Kaleidoscope]

I recently had my first experience with going to counseling. I can't say I'm too impressed. Perhaps I need to try another person. I'm not sure. For now I'm taking a break and not sure I'll go back. I've spent an awful lot of money just to have the counselor tell me what I already knew and that I need to just make a decision to stay or go.

 

Of course I've also pretty much decided church is baloney as well.

 

Oh, and most of my family isn't worth the time and I'll keep my 1 or 2 good friends and quit wasting time on the rest too.

 

So maybe it's just me seeing the worst in everything at the moment!

[Scarlett]

I recently had my first experience with going to counseling. I can't say I'm too impressed. Perhaps I need to try another person. I'm not sure. For now I'm taking a break and not sure I'll go back. I've spent an awful lot of money just to have the counselor tell me what I already knew and that I need to just make a decision to stay or go.

 

Of course I've also pretty much decided church is baloney as well.

 

Oh, and most of my family isn't worth the time and I'll keep my 1 or 2 good friends and quit wasting time on the rest too.

 

So maybe it's just me seeing the worst in everything at the moment!

 

I had a similar experience in the early stages of my divorce. She was very sweet but honestly I already knew what I needed to do. I needed someone to cheer me on because it was terrifying......she wasn't going to do that. I dont know if any counselor will or if they are suppose to.

[Joanne]

I had a similar experience in the early stages of my divorce. She was very sweet but honestly I already knew what I needed to do. I needed someone to cheer me on because it was terrifying......she wasn't going to do that. I dont know if any counselor will or if they are suppose to.

 

We are supposed to support you in learning to make decisions, in making the decision, in executing the decision and in building the best life around the decision.

 

That may include helping a client become aware of needed information (resources for single moms, support groups for addiction, the common patterns of responses to infidelity, how to parent young adults, career exploration options........).

 

But, no, a counselor should not "cheer" or endorse a relationship decision. Even with leaving an abusive situation, a trained in that dynamic counselor knows that the client may actually be less safe leaving, that the client will still need to grieve the loss of the relationship, and that the client may return to the relationship. In that way, the counselor needs to stay a "safe" person to go to should the client return.

[Kaleidoscope]

 

We are supposed to support you in learning to make decisions, in making the decision, in executing the decision and in building the best life around the decision.

 

That may include helping a client become aware of needed information (resources for single moms, support groups for addiction, the common patterns of responses to infidelity, how to parent young adults, career exploration options........).

 

But, no, a counselor should not "cheer" or endorse a relationship decision. Even with leaving an abusive situation, a trained in that dynamic counselor knows that the client may actually be less safe leaving, that the client will still need to grieve the loss of the relationship, and that the client may return to the relationship. In that way, the counselor needs to stay a "safe" person to go to should the client return.

 

I get that, I do. I'm not even sure what I hoped for from counseling. And that's pretty much what she said, if I can make the decision then she can support me but since I can't make a decision there's not much to be accomplished. And I still can't make a decision because there isn't a good choice to make.

[Scarlett]

 

 

We are supposed to support you in learning to make decisions, in making the decision, in executing the decision and in building the best life around the decision.

 

That may include helping a client become aware of needed information (resources for single moms, support groups for addiction, the common patterns of responses to infidelity, how to parent young adults, career exploration options........).

 

But, no, a counselor should not "cheer" or endorse a relationship decision. Even with leaving an abusive situation, a trained in that dynamic counselor knows that the client may actually be less safe leaving, that the client will still need to grieve the loss of the relationship, and that the client may return to the relationship. In that way, the counselor needs to stay a "safe" person to go to should the client return.

 

And that, bottom line, is why a counselor is helpful for some and not others. Sadly I feel those who need it most are unlikely to even know they need it.

[Scarlett]

 

 

I get that, I do. I'm not even sure what I hoped for from counseling. And that's pretty much what she said, if I can make the decision then she can support me but since I can't make a decision there's not much to be accomplished. And I still can't make a decision because there isn't a good choice to make.

 

I don't know your situation but in mine I felt torn for years about what was the right thing to do. Eventually there was a tipping point and I felt it was clear I had no other choice.

[Kaleidoscope]

I don't know your situation but in mine I felt torn for years about what was the right thing to do. Eventually there was a tipping point and I felt it was clear I had no other choice.

 

 

I'm stuck between logic and what I believe/faith based issues. I've been torn for years and the entire last year was the final straw. Me personally I'm done.done.done. I just can't get past the fact following through on what I want to do know will cost me my church, friends, and feeling like a decent person.

[Heather in Neverland]

It's the pendulum effect. There was a time when no one went to counseling or if they did it was very hush-hush. Mental illness and other related issues were not discussed. It was shameful.

 

Then the pendulum swung way in the other direction and people started going to counseling for every little thing, everyone's child has some sort of "diagnosis" and so on.

 

Now the pendulum is starting to swing back. I hope it stays more to the middle, honestly. Some people DO need counseling. There are some people I would like to sign up for counseling!! But others use it as a crutch.

 

I am not the type to go to counseling. I am far too pragmatic. If I did want advice that I can't get from my dh, family, or friends, I would go to my pastor. But I am glad counseling is available for those who truly need it.

 

 

[Scarlett]

 

 

 

I'm stuck between logic and what I believe/faith based issues. I've been torn for years and the entire last year was the final straw. Me personally I'm done.done.done. I just can't get past the fact following through on what I want to do know will cost me my church, friends, and feeling like a decent person.

 

Hmm.......I don't think logic needs to go against faith.

[Kaleidoscope]

Hmm.......I don't think logic needs to go against faith.

 

 

Seems like it shouldn't. Yet I can't seem to make them mesh.

[Scarlett]

 

 

 

Seems like it shouldn't. Yet I can't seem to make them mesh.

 

 

:(

[Scarlett]

Well that is the one thing I wish this board had is a marriage forum.... :). Oh yeah , that's right this is classical education board and SWB requests no husband bashing. ;). I have marriage advocate.com for that. I use to recommend marriage builders but the boards are whacked over there now.

[laughing lioness]

Why would I be scared of counseling? My parents were counselors and I've been around the mental health field since I was 8. Some of those folks are scary!

 

Why would I trust cousneling? MY dh is a counselor, I'm a trained MFT and I know lots of very cool people in the mental health/counseling field.

 

I don't think there is a good understanding of the types of counselors (dh is a clinical psych, I'm an MFT- different fields, though both can provide cousneling- and there are a slew of other degrees that all allow one to become a licensed therapist - from bachelors level to doctoral).

 

Kaleidoscope- it sounds like you found a "solutions focused" counselor (probably master's level) and if you don't go in knowing the problem you want to work on to solve, they probably won't provide the direction. Most therpists have a tool box of various approaches and theories to work with/ and from but it sounds like you found a particularly static counselor. A different cousnelor with a different focus would have been able to help you understand what you were seeking/ hoping for from counseling. Not every cousnelor deals with every issue. Dh "fires" certain clients becasue he is has specifically focused his practice on certain areas and doesn't want to deal with others- most therapists do the same. (that's one of the reasons counseling for "gay" issues is a firestrm with the APA right now- it's becoming legislated that counselors HAVE To deal with issues some of the can't/don't want to- and this will compromise everyone's integrity- it WON"T be a win for GALA).

 

Folks also don't get the fact that not all counselors/ training/credentially are created equal. When folks ask me for a counseling recommendation I always tell them to interveiw whomever they are going to go to, find out what services they provdie, training, etc.

 

(sorry for spelling errors! not enough coffee)

[AlmiraGulch]

I have had some marginally good experiences with therapy and some really NOT good experiences with it. Not that anyone did anything damaging, but honestly, most of the time I sit there and about 5 minutes in wonder why I'm paying this person all that money when clearly I'm smarter than they are.

 

I know how that sounds, but it's true. They say something and I sit there with a look on my face like "Really? Are you kidding? Don't you think I already thought of and tried that? Didn't I just SAY that I already thought of/did that very thing?" It makes me resentful and angry. It's as if they have a checklist they have to go through to say or suggest, regardless of what the client says to them, and it's a waste of my time and money. I also resent when I say I have situation X, and their response is to spend the next 30 minutes of my very expensive session telling me how they had the same thing and how they dealt with it. I don't care. If I wanted to trade stories I would have been talking to my girlfriend.

 

All that said, I still go on occasion when I think it's necessary. Sometimes it just helps me to process everything on my own when I can just say out loud everything I'm thinking or feeling, without having to qualify or filter any of it.

 

The best thing I ever heard from any therapist was when I was struggling in my first marriage and was desperately trying to save it. After several sessions, the therapist said basically "I think you want me to tell you you should stay married, and I'm not going to do that. I have no idea why you're staying in your marriage except that you think you "should", and I don't know why you think you're "supposed to" live like that for the rest of your life". Wow. Epiphany. I filed for divorce shortly after and it was the best thing I ever did. I should have done it sooner.

[laughing lioness]

I'm stuck between logic and what I believe/faith based issues.

 

If you are talking about the Christian faith I would encourage you to seek out a therapist trained in integration. Really the only 2 schools that have decent training in this (as in, extensive and robost enough to make it matter) is FullerTheological Seminary and Rosemead (both in S.CA) -If you called the schools they would both would be able to recommend trained master's or doctoral level trained therapists in your area.

 

Integration is a big deal if you are faith based because most therapuetic training/theory is decidely secular. Ingegration is NOt the Jay Adams garden variety biblical counseling.

[Joanne]

 

I get that, I do. I'm not even sure what I hoped for from counseling. And that's pretty much what she said, if I can make the decision then she can support me but since I can't make a decision there's not much to be accomplished. And I still can't make a decision because there isn't a good choice to make.

 

There *are* situations in life where we are not able to make a choice that is good. In those situations (and I have personally been there over several major situations), an actual written evaluation that is specific for you is invaluable.

 

A counselor can help you see all "sides" that you might not consider; this board also functions in that way for decision issues.

[Kaleidoscope]

There *are* situations in life where we are not able to make a choice that is good. In those situations (and I have personally been there over several major situations), an actual written evaluation that is specific for you is invaluable.

 

A counselor can help you see all "sides" that you might not consider; this board also functions in that way for decision issues.

 

 

Yes, I've benefited from those types of discussions here and I'm very grateful for the insight gained.

[Tita Gidge]

I come from a culture that doesn't really "do" counseling. It's seen a bit like airing dirty laundry, and also (as mentioned upthread) a bit like saying you can't solve your own problems. But I think there's a time and a place for counseling, for sure.

 

I think some personality types need that type of "professional" support moreso than do others. Maybe it's due in part to the breakdown of extended family in our culture, whereas before that support and mentorship would have come from within the family or circle of close friends. So someone lacking in that type of support seeks it out sooner, or sees it as a more first-step solution. Maybe it's due in part to specialization, whereby we've come to think we're best or better served by someone trained in a specific field. So someone from a background that emphasized or bought into specialization would also seek this type of support out sooner.

 

And someone with a strong support network and holistic outlook might see counseling as an option ... just not the first, knee-jerk go-to option.

[TranquilMind]

I think people misunderstand what counseling is for and why it's helpful. As for why we can't just use common sense? I can't begin to list all the things I think would be common sense that people do the exact opposite and wonder why it doesn't work out for them. If everyone in the situation were using it, they wouldn't be having that problem, KWIM? Counseling is for when the common sense has failed, something I suggest when another ear might be needed, maybe a different perspective or source might be more helpful than one of the people involved in the conflict. Mediators and counselors are neutral parties and having that external source can make a difference. True, there are bunk therapists, ones who drag it out for cash, people who don't believe anyone outside the family should be privy to family affairs, etc but that doesn't mean it isn't an option for people who want to use it. Some honestly don't know clergy offer that kind of advice or that there are other options besides the expensive laying on the couch type of therapy.

 

 

Common sense isn't common any more.

 

My elderly relatives all had it. They are all dead or they could help me. You have no idea how frequently I think that I wish I could call (fill in the blank) because she/he would know what to do. Some of us just don't have this.

 

I am far too frugal for the couch therapy. I just can't see paying someone $150 dollars an hour to parrot back to me or tell me what I already know. I need a cheerleader, and my Mom isn't there to fulfill that role anymore.

 

It's lonely in middle age, I'm finding. Friends are not true, they will abandon you for anything, including something your kid did or said, and no one seems to care anymore if someone lives or dies.

 

What a world. Maybe it's always been this way, but I didn't see it clearly.

[TranquilMind]

I come from a culture that doesn't really "do" counseling. It's seen a bit like airing dirty laundry, and also (as mentioned upthread) a bit like saying you can't solve your own problems. But I think there's a time and a place for counseling, for sure.

 

I think some personality types need that type of "professional" support moreso than do others. Maybe it's due in part to the breakdown of extended family in our culture, whereas before that support and mentorship would have come from within the family or circle of close friends. So someone lacking in that type of support seeks it out sooner, or sees it as a more first-step solution. Maybe it's due in part to specialization, whereby we've come to think we're best or better served by someone trained in a specific field. So someone from a background that emphasized or bought into specialization would also seek this type of support out sooner.

 

And someone with a strong support network and holistic outlook might see counseling as an option ... just not the first, knee-jerk go-to option.

 

 

I think the bolded is most accurate, though I do see how we have come to be a culture that looks to "experts" for every little thing. We home-schooling types would be less prone to that, I would think.