jillian Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 So due to our infertility we are talking, and slowly exploring adoption. Fairly sure we'd go domestic and we are at minimum 2 years out due to the fact my husband gets out of the military in 2 years (march 2015) so we want to know where we would be and what kind of coverage insurance wise we would have and all that kind of logistics stuff. So tell me about your adoptions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 We adopted through the foster care system. In August 1995 we were placed with a 7 1/2 year old boy whose parental rights were terminated. He was placed with us with the plan of adoption (his foster parents did not want to adopt). He has fetal alcohol and a mental impairment but made an almost seemless adjustment to our home and has done way more than ever expected. He is now 25. May 1996 we were got a call on a 7 month old girl. Her "description" was WAYYYYYY off (meaning what the worker told us and what she was like were NOT the same---but the worker was just going off paperwork, not trying to mislead us). SHe is now 17. She struggles with many health issues and a mental impairment but again as gone way beyond her expectation. December 1996 we got older dd's full bio sister at 2 days old. She has many of the same health issues as her older sister (genetic mitochondial) and has LDs but again has done great. She is now 16. All adoptions were "free" to us and the kids get some adoption support from the state. We have also fostered over 100 other kids and had a few we could have adopted but chose not to..........mainly a few Caucasian infants that we knew would be able to find a wonderful home easily. They were very close in age to our other ones and we didn't feel we could give that many littles enough attention, esp. given the special needs of our 3. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotSoObvious Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 Foster care too. Our girls were almost five when they came and it took 16 months to adopt. Foster care is not for the faint of heart or for anyone who wants privacy- what's that?!! Ha! It was a hellish experience and I'd do it all over in a heart beat. In fact, we are talking about doing it again, which we didn't think we would. Foster care will be hard for you if you like to plan, you expect people to do what they say, you show up on time and expect the same of others, etc. It was an extreme lesson in patience. It can also be a very sad experience. We don't have a shiny adoption story of a loving birth mom giving her children a better life. Quite the opposite. Feel free to pm me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lynnae Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 We also adopted through foster care, though ours was a family adoption, so it was a bit different. We lived out of state, so our child was not placed in our home until it looked fairly certain that the mom would lose her parental rights. DD moved in when she was 11 months old, and we finalized the adoption right before her second birthday. For an adoption through foster care, it went really fast. As adoptive parents, it seemed like the process dragged. As the PP said, adoption from foster care is not for the faint of heart, but it's totally worth it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-2-7 Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Ds10 was adopted internationally from the Philippines. It took 2 years from start to finish but was generally a positive experience. The other younger 6 all came out of the foster system. Dd9 came with bio brother ds8 when they were 2 1/2 and 16 months respectively. After about 4 months we were starting to transition them back to their birth parents when there was another incident. That basically ended their chances with all their kids. Their B-Mom was pregnant with dd6 at the time. So she came home to us when she was 12 days old. About a year and a half later we got a call for a 4 month old girl. So we brought her home and a year later her brother and sister came home. They were 6 and 4. It's not been easy. Dealing with the "system" stinks! We deal with lots of grief issues, loyalty confusion as well as other labels they came with - ADD, ADHD, SPD and more. But I wouldn't change a thing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jillian Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 I'll be honest, we don't have the patience to manage a child with severe special needs. ADHD, learning disabilities (dyslexia, auditory processing) perhaps but our dd has a long term health issue that we don't know the outcome of the prognosis (it may go into remission it may not, Juvenile Arthritis) so while I feel awful saying we would be picky it's the truth. If/when an adoption for us plays out it would be hopefully be domestic infant (or under 18 months ideally) but I don't think we could do foster--adoption. Our daughter is 5 now. Did any of y'all have bio children first? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 @jillian This is a little OT, but, possibly it will be helpful to you and your DH. If you and your DH do decide to try to adopt a child, I hope that you will consider adopting one from Chiquitines, here in Cali, Colombia. When DD was much younger and we had much more income, one school year, her class had Chiquitines as their Social Services project. I visited Chiquitines with her class that year. The contact information on this web page hasn't been updated in some time (I need to do that), but possibly it will be helpful. At this time, there is an Adoption Tax Credit, but who knows if that will be available, when you and your DH adopt. When I was in Chiquitines, they had children ranging from newborns to about 12 years of age. My wife would tell you, incredibly quickly, that the vast majority of mothers here who give up their children do so because of incredible lack of financial resources. Although we are in South America, we are closer than you think. Cali is about 3 hours and 15 minutes from Miami and about 4 hours and 30 minutes from Houston. We are much closer to Miami than Los Angeles is. MUCH GOOD LUCK to you and to your DH! Lanny http://computer2.com...tion Agency.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jillian Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 We are at least two years from applying, only because we are dxing out of the military March 2015, and don't know where we will be, whether we are staying in our city or moving elsewhere in the state or elsewhere in the country, we'd like to be stable and such because embarking on everything, hope that makes sense. I would potentially be open to adopting internationally but I don't know if dh is. I will check out the website. We will be praying on the subject for a long while still. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 the application process, training and home-study can take a fair amount of time. Here it takes close to a year, then there is the waiting for a placement time on top of that, which can take something close to 2 more years. I would recommend starting the ball rolling ASAP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jillian Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 We have just started discussing the process. I need to do some talking personally and make sure my grief over infertillity is actually worked through (even though I feel it is I want to be sure) and want to get some spiritual guidance before making any decisions ya know? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ailysh Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 We have one biological and one adopted child. Our first is biological, conceived via IVF. After we conceived her we decided to adopt our next one rather than going through difficult infertility treatments which were not guaranteed to succeed. When our daughter turned two we decided to go ahead and start adoption procedures (domestic, private, not foster care). We started with the home study before signing with an agency. The week we finished the home study we were contacted by an acquaintance who knew someone who knew someone who was putting her baby up for adoption. We hadn't signed with an agency yet so I just threw together a profile on shutterfly to send her. She called me the very next day and said she wanted to meet. Long story short, she chose us for an open adoption, and sweet baby Cora was placed with us directly from the hospital, exactly nine months after we decided to start adoption procedures. It hasn't always been easy, particularly dealing with birth mom and her issues but open adoption is great if you can manage it. We see birth mom pretty regularly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jillian Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 Oh yeah, we know that there are some things that can't/don't show until later and that is always a risk, biological or adopted, and one we would be willing to accept (obviously) but we have some hard limits, we wouldn't want any drug/alcohol exposed (through the pregnancy). Alyssa, what all does the open adoption entail for your family? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 We have 5 children, all adopted through foster care. We got our boys when they were 13 mo. And 4 mo. We were placed with them 1month after the completion of our homestudy. They are bio brothers. Parental rights had not been terminated at that point, and I'm not sure if it's just a California thing, but they do not terminate rights until the kids are in an adoptive home. Our oldest daughter we picked up at the hospital, she was 2 days old. We waited for her 6 months. Our youngest 2 are bio sisters, we got them at age 2 1/2 and 10 months. We waited 4 years for them. We should be finalizing their adoption next month. All of our adoptions have been very straightforward and easy. Our children are all healthy and bright and have no problems. Going through foster care can be tough, but you need to be flexible, smile a lot, say, "yes, I'll get right on that" and just keep your eyes on the goal. None of our children have had any trouble bonding with us, but I think the stay-at-home mom, homeschooling lifestyle is really conducive to that. One thing regarding drug exposure - if you go through the foster care system, that's almost a given. But, I do have to say that drug exposure in utero does not always mean your kid is going to have severe problems. Depends on what drug they were exposed to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Oldest dd adopted a newborn boy in August after having 2 bio children. He's fitting in beautifully- he is African American and they're navigating that new adventure as well. Merritt was adopted through Bethany, and though I had reservations about the agency based on things I've heard, it went ok. Dd is still praying the the birthmom changes her mind and decides to have an open adoption. She knows dd wants this, but so far has no desire to access photos or info on the baby. Maybe one day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom31257 Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 I have not adopted, but my dd has a very good friend who is adopted. I just want to let you know what her friend is dealing with so you can consider the long term effects of decisions. My dd's friend is an African American adopted into a white family. She really struggles with the fact that she is black on the outside, but culturally she is not. She feels that marriage is going to be difficult for her because she doesn't relate to African American males. She is very dark skinned and feels white males won't be attracted to her. She is 18, so the teen years of feeling your life might not turn out right could be a big part of it, but I think it's only fair to think ahead to the kinds of issues it could cause the child to go through. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jillian Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 We have 5 children, all adopted through foster care. We got our boys when they were 13 mo. And 4 mo. We were placed with them 1month after the completion of our homestudy. They are bio brothers. Parental rights had not been terminated at that point, and I'm not sure if it's just a California thing, but they do not terminate rights until the kids are in an adoptive home. Our oldest daughter we picked up at the hospital, she was 2 days old. We waited for her 6 months. Our youngest 2 are bio sisters, we got them at age 2 1/2 and 10 months. We waited 4 years for them. We should be finalizing their adoption next month. All of our adoptions have been very straightforward and easy. Our children are all healthy and bright and have no problems. Going through foster care can be tough, but you need to be flexible, smile a lot, say, "yes, I'll get right on that" and just keep your eyes on the goal. None of our children have had any trouble bonding with us, but I think the stay-at-home mom, homeschooling lifestyle is really conducive to that. One thing regarding drug exposure - if you go through the foster care system, that's almost a given. But, I do have to say that drug exposure in utero does not always mean your kid is going to have severe problems. Depends on what drug they were exposed to. Re: the drug exposure that's very true. I think we wouldn't mind early exposure (read: before the birthmom knew she was pregnant) but continuous, heavy use would cause us some reservations. Nicotine use, not so much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 We are a foster-adopt family also. My oldest two children are biological. All along, I wanted more children. April 13, 2011,my kids came. Supposedly they would go to a relative, but they backed out when they met us the month before TPR. July 24, 2012, I adopted my children. At that time, they were 4, 5, and 6 years old. They are absolutely amazing beyond all belief. They do, however, have concerns many people would be hesitant to deal with. We do have openness with various biological family members, each to the degree we feel comfortable. The three PS children in my signature will be leaving within the next few weeks. Monkey is hopefully staying forever; but that is not the current goal. <sigh> We wonder if Monkey is our forever daughter or if we will get one more child. We are considering closing our home at the end of 2013 while we are significantly changing how we foster until then. If we did get to adopt Monkey, we'd "take our kids and run." I *hate* the system. Anyway....just where we are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpecialClassical Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Regarding drug and alcohol exposure, there is a stigma attached to revealing that from a birth mom's perspective. I do understand where you are coming from because alcohol use was one of the few boxes we refused to check as acceptable. Also, a birth mom might not reveal the truth because she wants to have a bigger pool of families to chose from and knows listing substance use will reduce the numbers. I also would advise you to talk to attachment specialists about your age range. Listen carefully to what they have to say. We adopted our ds,10yrs through a private adoption. He was premature and sickly for a year, but now is healthy and excels in many areas. That first year did us in as we slept with him on our chests propped upright to keep him breathing for at least 4 months. What a treasure he is to us,though! Our daughter was also a private domestic adoption. It was a whirlwind as the birth mom had refused all the family profiles given to her until ours. We got a mass e-mail from our former agency owner saying they were helping her look for a family and only families with homestudies completed need apply. We didn't even have a home study started, had very little money to use, and no agency because the last agency owner only counseled birth moms, she no longer did adoptions. Every wall was knocked down and we brought home a " healthy" baby girl a few weeks later. She is a real sweetie who has overcome some major struggles. Our last adoption was international only after attempting to go through foster care to adopt for a year. At the end of the year our home study was finally complete. But there was a big snag, since the agency had dragged their feet and was understaffed, the process had expired. (Along with being very understaffed, they weren' t too motivated to move things along because we only wanted toddlers or babies.). No problem, they said, it would be fixed with some documentation. We had worked with no less than 4 workers to get us licensed to adopt through foster care. We had multiple home visits and had done all the paperwork. Then the licensing specialist told me that we weren't being licensed for foster to adopt, just fostering. She said that was what the homestudy was done for and that was the way it was the entire time. Um, no, we quite clearly went into it to adopt and all conversations during the homestudy revolved around that fact. I had been praying for a clear sign if we needed to give up and that was a glaring one! So we went international (African country) and specified under a certain age. However, we saw our son (older than our range) on the special needs waiting list, got his info, prayed and accepted his referral. He is a perfect fit for our family! Oh, and our two oldest are bio. The kids are 19,16,10,8, and 4yrs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Jillian, in your posts, it seems you are focused on what you want or are willing to take on. I would suggest possibly changing the orientation of your thinking to "What do I have to offer a child who's up for adoption?" Any child up for adoption generally isn't getting a vote on how his/her life has gone, nor one on the complete upheaval that adoption means to his/her life. So, if you think in terms of what you can offer to a child who's coming at life from a completely different set of circimstances than anyone who's stayed with their biologic family their entire childhood, it might help you keep positive and realistic as your explore your options. In the end, there's nothing wrong if you decide adoption isn't for your family or that you have narrow limits within which to work. All of that is OK. Here's a place with a bunch of articles to help you think about all this and "hear" others' experiences and ideas. Good luck! ETA: On that site is also my favorite article about adoption of all time, called "A Different Perspective." It's a great essay on trying to figure out how it might feel being an adoptee. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 I agree with Nono. You really have to think it all through before you start. We adopted two children internationally because we talked A LOT about adoption before we started and decided the one thing we could NOT deal with was an open adoption. Knowing and being honest about what you can handle is important going into this process. Don't ever feel guilty for it either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jillian Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 Yeah, like I said we are still slowly learning and reading and thinking and praying. I guess I am more let's talk and think and proces it now while dh is a "wait and see" personality about it all. Also because our dd has some long term healthcare issues we are trying to be very cognizant of the fact that bringing in a high needs or another potentially seriously ill child into the situation wouldn't be to the cohesiveness of our family. Our family is loving, our family cares for one another and would go to the ends of the earth for each other. We each have parents (or in my case grandparents) that have no qualms about loving an adopted child the same as our bio dd. We each have rich experiences that could add to the overall development and growth of a child--my husband has been all over the world and lived in many different countries. Most importantly though we care about each other, love each other and have a lot of that to continue to give. I've read the "A Different Perspective" article too it is in one of the books about adoption that I've been reading. We are still just exploring and learning and thinking about what experience we want and how we can go forward knowing we have a big change coming up that might change the circumstances. We are going to have upheaval in jobs, potentially moving, and insurance changes to just name the biggies in 2 years when DH gets out of the military. We don't know if both of us will have to work or if we will be financially stable and we do not want to proceed at all until we have moved through that period of our lives because to us it is not okay to bring a potentially traumatized child or a child who is having a hard time understanding everything going on around him/her into a situation filled with so much upheal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarkd Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 We have adopted four children from foster care. As nono said, it is important to fully evaluate where you are about a new child. It is great that you arethinking through the process several years before you are going to begin. Foster adoption, like all ways a child comes into a family, is highly unpredictable. Our children came to us between five months and two years old. Some came with documented delays and some did not. We had situations where the parents voluntarily terminated their rights and some that went through a lengthy (three year) court related termination. For some placements we waited a year, for others we got a call when we weren't even considering adopting. We had one situation that fell through and it was a terrible grieving process. For some children the adoption could have finalized within a ear, for others it took over three years. We have fostered children when we knew we would never end up adopting them and although there was a loss whien they left, it was not as deep as the failed foster adoption. In our state there were some up front legal costs but those were reimbursed through taxes later. Generally foster care is a less expensive method of adoption. Best of luck. PM me if interested in more info. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 I have read all of the posts in this thread, up to post #23 and I want to elaborate on one thing, in what I posted last night, about the possibility of adopting from Chiquitines here in Cali, Colombia. There is VERY LITTLE possibility that a child adopted in Colombia would have come from a family that uses illegal drugs. I cannot guarantee you that it is impossible, however, in comparison to the USA/Canada/Europe, there is FAR LESS drug use here. There is drug use here, but, primarily, drugs produced here are for export. I've lived here for 18 years now. My wife (Colombian) would tell you, that for a Colombian woman to give up a child is incredibly difficult, and that in the vast majority of cases, it would only be done because of extreme poverty and an inability to provide a decent life for her child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 We adopted our youngest, but it was an international adoption. He was 2.5 years old when we got him. He is now turning 9. He is simply an amazing child. Now, there was no way for us to know what personality or issues he would come to us with. But we spent a lot of time in prayer for the right child for our family. He certainly has fit that bill and then some. He was considered special needs by China standards, which means a minor physical handicap of some kind. He is younger than my other two boys. We are so thankful for him in our lives. Dawn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jillian Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 Lanny, thank you for your wise words regarding international from Colombia. I will look into that more. Thank you everyone, we really appreciate the wisdom and advice. I still am going to be working through my grief of infertility with my priest and with a counselor and hopefully dh will be able to come to a few sessions also though he is much more circumspect and takes things at face value more than I do, differences between men and women are very evident in us lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Jillian, for international adoption, the rules change occasionally. Here's a site which looks like it was updated in 2012: http://colombia.adoption.com/ outlining the basics of Columbian adoption. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jillian Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ailysh Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Oh yeah, we know that there are some things that can't/don't show until later and that is always a risk, biological or adopted, and one we would be willing to accept (obviously) but we have some hard limits, we wouldn't want any drug/alcohol exposed (through the pregnancy). Alyssa, what all does the open adoption entail for your family? Sorry, just got back in town...our open adoption agreement (which incidentally isn't legally binding or anything) includes up to four visits per year. Because we met Birth Mother before signing with an agency, we have always known each others' identifying information (the technical definition of an open adoption), we have texted and called each other from the start and we are friends on facebook. We were at the hospital when Cora was born and I was the first to give her a bottle :001_wub: . We had some issues with visitation in the hospital that we weren't expecting since we felt we knew the Birth Mom pretty well at that point and she totally reversed her original plan for what happened in the hospital, but other than that things have gone very smoothly. She has visited three or four times already (Cora is fifteen weeks old), and we are fine with that as long as Birth Mom understands who the parents are. She does. She doesn't desire any sort of co-parenting situation. She just wants to know Cora is doing fine. I think that is the case with most birth moms. She has had issues with drugs and alcohol (any person who is in a position to place a baby for adoption has made mistakes). She knows our primary concern is for Cora and she were to revert back to the drugs and alcohol, we would have to rethink visitation. I think it is important to see from the perspective of the birth mom. Once she signs over custody, the adoptive parents have no legal obligation to honor their pre-adoption agreements. That is probably very scary for a birth mother. It takes a lot of faith and trust to do that. We try to honor that, but it is up to the Birth Mother also. She has to make good choices. I hope that helps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 We adopted our son from foster care. We have an open adoption in that we maintain contact with birth family members from time to time at our discretion. I email pictures, we visit his tribe at their annual Christmas Party. He sees extended family members there. His tribe has been wonderful to us(they said we are now part of the tribe.)and the language in our tribal customary adoption order is very generous to us. We have visited in person with a few family members and hope to met more. He has great-grandparents that would love to see him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jillian Posted January 27, 2013 Author Share Posted January 27, 2013 Thank you everyone for the wise words and giving me even more to think of (as if I needed more things to think about lol). I wouldn't ever condemn someone bcause of drug or alcohol use, we all make choices we aren't proud of at some point in our lives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bethben Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 We adopted our daughter from China's waiting child program. She has a cleft lip and palate. Our oldest has severe disabilities (wheelchair bound, completely dependent, a very young mental age). Honestly, seeing doctors is no big deal to us because of our oldest. There's a lot of been there done that. Other than the cleft issues, she's a typical kid. If you're already used to medical issues, it's not too tough of a transition to other medical issues. Beth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jillian Posted January 27, 2013 Author Share Posted January 27, 2013 Beth, I think the problem is that we don't know where our (dd's) prognosis will lead. She could go into remission with puberty (or sooner) or get exponentially worse. Also right now being in our final couple years with the military it becomes an issue of we don't know if we will have the medical coverage to handle severe problems, it's a very real concern even with our bio dd with her arthritis and specialists. Her medication without our awesome prescription coverage is to the tune of at least $25,000 a year so we really need to see where we are and where/what our coverage is. We really cannot predict at this point about whether or not we will be in a place to take on more health related issues kwim? I think if we were without any children the decision might look/be simpler but we don't have an idea of what the next month looks like health wise for our dd let alone the next 5 years ya know? This time last year we were in and out of hospitals and having test after test because they couldn't figure it out and it came fully out of the blue, we had no clue this was even a possibility for her or our family. Thankfully we are controlled right now, but have already increased our medication dosage twice in the last 8 months. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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