MedicMom Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 I had a corneal transplant a week ago. Some things went wrong and left me blind and in extreme pain for days. They fixed this Tuesday. I got home from that procedure to discover my 2.5 year old was running a 104 degree temp and my seven month old was irritable and pulling at her ears....right in time for DH to leave on a 33 hour shift. A diagnosis of strep and two sets of double ear infections later, I am exhausted. I am also taking anti rejection steroids and so no surprise when chills and a fever set in this morning. Fortunately DH is home now, but he hasn't slept so I am trying to let him nap while I tend to the sick kids. Enter my sister's 20th birthday. She has Aspergers and CP, and truthfully has no friends. My mom is trying to put on a nice birthday dinner so my sister doesn't feel so bad(she is lonely, a little, and birthday celebrations always seem to bother her that she isn't going out with friends like she sees her siblings do). Only my two teenage sisters are able to be there out of the eight of us as everyone else either lives in another state or is out OD town. My mother is putting on the guilt trip for me to go. It is only three miles but I am feeling like death and the kids are sick. I offered to take sister to a movie when I am better and can drive, but my mom is almost insistant that we come tonight to make sister feel better. I love my sister dearly, but I just. cannot. do. This. DH says we will go for an hour. I am exhausted just thinking about it... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin M Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Let DH go for an hour and let you stay home and rest. You are sick! Period, end of story. Be strong... :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Stay home, take care of yourself and your children. Maybe your husband can go by himself. Call you sister to let her know you care and plan something for when you are better. Best wishes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lollie010 Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Let DH go for an hour and let you stay home and rest. You are sick! Period, end of story. Be strong... :grouphug: My thoughts exactly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 I truthfully do agree with you. Both you and your sister have real, legitimate needs, you shouldn't be guilted into denying yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Call your sister and talk to her. Tell her how much you love her and want to be there but your family is sick. Let her know you really want to do something to celebrate her birthday, but just can't make it tonight. Leave your mom out of it. Tell her you'll talk to your sister yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenpatty Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 :grouphug: Oh my goodness - I certainly agree with you! You have had quite a rough go of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Send your husband and any healthy cchildren. Stay home and get better.... it's much harder to recover from infections/colds/flu when you're on anti-rejection drugs!! Your family should know this. (btw, my mom is a transplant recipient too). Anyway, as a way to help your sister can you offer to take her out someplace special once you're feeling better? Maybe have a girls night out or something that she would enjoy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Exactly. Talk directly to your sister, tell her you are sorry and you can't make it because the kids and you are sick. Make plans with her to do something else. You have my permission to tell your mom to put a sock in it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crafty Mathy Mom Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Let DH go for an hour and let you stay home and rest. You are sick! Period, end of story. Be strong... :grouphug: :iagree: Hope you and your children get better soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedicMom Posted January 10, 2013 Author Share Posted January 10, 2013 I don't mean to bash my mom. She and my dad have been very helpful the past few days and know how sick we are. She is sometimes irrational when it comes to this particular sister though. I don't really mean that in a bad way, it is just that she sometimes can't see anyone elses Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 My older son has Asperger's. There's no way in heck I'd guilt my post-op, dealing with sick kids 2nd son into attending a gathering, just so the older one doesn't feel left out. Don't give in to the mom guilt. And I have a mom that knows how to lay on some guilt. Let it go, rest, and take care of your needs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedicMom Posted January 10, 2013 Author Share Posted January 10, 2013 I don't mean to bash my mom. She and my dad have been very helpful the past few days and know how sick we are. She is sometimes irrational when it comes to this particular sister though. I don't really mean that in a bad way, it is just that she sometimes can't see anyone else's needs before this sister's. (For instance she still believes that this sister will come live with me when my parents pass based on something I said at sixteen. Despite the fact that due to the age difference, I will likely be elderly myself at that point and due to a medical condition will be blind and probably in need of care myself. My mother refuses to make or consider any other plans.) Thank you all for telling me I am not completely out of line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 No way should you be going. Tell your mom that not only is it not good for you or your children, but ask her why she would want to expose sister to illnes. Stay home. Send dh if he wants to go, but you are staying home! That's an order, btw. :grouphug: I hope you are feeling/doing better very soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heatherwith4 Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Yeah - you don't need to go. You and the kids need to rest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Do not go. Please, just don't go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 sometimes there are no good choices. there are only "less bad" choices. the less bad choice seems to me to definitely be staying home. it really is okay to be sick. (not fun, but its the real world). and it really is okay to take care of yourself and your children when you are sick. i can't remember if you are a church going person or not, but when Jesus said "love your neighbour as yourself", it actually means you need to love yourself. if your neighbour was in your shoes, would you not be the person saying "oh you must stay home and get well"? and "oh you must not go out where you might pick up something even worse that what you have now"? sometimes moms just don't understand "Really Sick" from "gee i don't feel very well and don't want to come". pushing you to come may be her way of sorting that out. so i would call dear sister and tell her you can't come, but would love to take her to breakfast/lunch/dinner to celebrate once you are well. then i'd tell mom that she knows you'd be there if it were in any way wise, but it isn't. and that you've talked to your sister. your dh and healthy kids can go if they choose. :grouphug: be well, ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Stay home, take care of yourself and your children. Maybe your husband can go by himself. Call you sister to let her know you care and plan something for when you are better. Best wishes. Exactly this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
morningcoffee Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 I don't mean to bash my mom. She and my dad have been very helpful the past few days and know how sick we are. She is sometimes irrational when it comes to this particular sister though. I don't really mean that in a bad way, it is just that she sometimes can't see anyone else's needs before this sister's. (For instance she still believes that this sister will come live with me when my parents pass based on something I said at sixteen. Despite the fact that due to the age difference, I will likely be elderly myself at that point and due to a medical condition will be blind and probably in need of care myself. My mother refuses to make or consider any other plans.) Thank you all for telling me I am not completely out of line. If this is the case (bolded), then you will need to start setting some boundaries in place anyway so that everyone has reasonable expectations of your sister's future care. You might as well start setting some boundaries now. At the moment, you are just as needy as your sister and you deserve to put your health first. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedicMom Posted January 10, 2013 Author Share Posted January 10, 2013 I will not be able to care for my sister. There is a twelve year age difference and I have medical conditions that make it likely I will need care myself. Unfortunately nobody has EVER been realistic with my parents about my sister's limitations. All delays were blamed on her very premature birth and the doctors kept insisting she would catch up. Once it was obvious that this wasn't happening the school district offered various therapies and a special education teacher to supplement homeschooling. The special education consultant in high school was a new teacher who insisted my sister could attend college and refused to offer any vocational avenues or other planning help. It wasn't until my sister was 17 that a doctor finally agreed to an MRI and they found a great deal of brain damage. I actually disagree with her diagnosis and believe that she has a combination of hypoxic brain damage and cerebral palsy. But the doctors and school over the years has been zero help, there has been no transition to adulthood planning done, and I refuse to be the one to pick up the pieces. So I am starting to nudge my parents towards consulting with a special needs lawyer and such, but they really are just unrealistic about the future when it comes to this sister. I did not go. My immunocompromised grandmother was going and I was NOT exposing her to our flu and strep. I am a little irritated with my mom for not thinking of that, but as I have said, she can be irrational when it comes to this sister. I sent a present and sister and I will do something fun at a later date. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Your mom needs to get a grip. Not everyone is able to celebrate on their birthday. Do something for your sister's birthday next week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
morningcoffee Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I will not be able to care for my sister. There is a twelve year age difference and I have medical conditions that make it likely I will need care myself. Unfortunately nobody has EVER been realistic with my parents about my sister's limitations. All delays were blamed on her very premature birth and the doctors kept insisting she would catch up. Once it was obvious that this wasn't happening the school district offered various therapies and a special education teacher to supplement homeschooling. The special education consultant in high school was a new teacher who insisted my sister could attend college and refused to offer any vocational avenues or other planning help. It wasn't until my sister was 17 that a doctor finally agreed to an MRI and they found a great deal of brain damage. I actually disagree with her diagnosis and believe that she has a combination of hypoxic brain damage and cerebral palsy. But the doctors and school over the years has been zero help, there has been no transition to adulthood planning done, and I refuse to be the one to pick up the pieces. So I am starting to nudge my parents towards consulting with a special needs lawyer and such, but they really are just unrealistic about the future when it comes to this sister. I did not go. My immunocompromised grandmother was going and I was NOT exposing her to our flu and strep. I am a little irritated with my mom for not thinking of that, but as I have said, she can be irrational when it comes to this sister. I sent a present and sister and I will do something fun at a later date. I'm so glad you didn't go. But it sounds like this is really part of a bigger issue which needs to get sorted out (easier said than done). A special needs lawyer sounds like a great idea. In the meantime, I hope you feel better soon. Wanted to add, that in my family, sick people stay home! I don't understand why anyone would encourage sick people to leave their homes and spread germs :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I normally stress that every effort should be made to attend family functions. In this instance? Your mother shouldn't even have ASKED. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Agreeing w/the others. Glad you stayed home. I'm sorry you've had to deal w/complications, and now illness on top of it. Hoping you all recover quickly :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunnyDays Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Ugh. Let's see, you're all sick, and you just had surgery. With complications. I'm very glad you didn't go... not only for your grandma's sake, but yours. You need rest, not a guilt trip. I'm sure your mom means well, but she has to realize that others besides your sister have needs too. I do hope she's able to come to terms with the fact that other arrangements must be made for your sister. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I don't mean to bash my mom. She and my dad have been very helpful the past few days and know how sick we are. She is sometimes irrational when it comes to this particular sister though. I don't really mean that in a bad way, it is just that she sometimes can't see anyone else's needs before this sister's. (For instance she still believes that this sister will come live with me when my parents pass based on something I said at sixteen. Despite the fact that due to the age difference, I will likely be elderly myself at that point and due to a medical condition will be blind and probably in need of care myself. My mother refuses to make or consider any other plans.) Thank you all for telling me I am not completely out of line. Dang- if I were your mom I'd be telling your 20yo adult sister that her birthday is on hold and she was going to go help you out with the kids... I hope your sister has a good birthday, I hope your kids feel better, you get the rest and healning you need. And I also hope your mom considers the future for your sister. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali in OR Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 You did the right thing. We've had a lot of illness going through our house, and I'm starting to wish that everyone who thinks they are sick would just stay home! Getting your sister sick would not have been a good birthday present. A one-on-one date with you at a later time would be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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