It's so hard and humbling at the same time...

[Camy-7 boybarians 1 lady]

....when you have a child that "struggles" not only w/ social relationships, but w/ coordination and gross motor skills....ESPECIALLY when that child is put into the company of others who are considered "normal" to the rest of the world.

 

Now, from what I have said, you can see my avoidance of using labels. Many of you may have read the opening paragraph and thought..Hmmm..LD, Autistic/autistic spectrum, ADHD, ADD, Aspergers, etc....

 

These are labels that the child to which I referring has never heard. Since my dh works in a field that labels kids left and right, he is completely against labeling our child, in anticipation of him wearing the label and becoming comfortable w/ it. This is just our family's way. I do not condemn others who obtain diagnosis from physicians or psychiatrists. It is understandable and necessary when needed.

 

Anyway, as I have come to realize my 9 yob's quirks and struggles (when compared to others his age), much research, praying, and work has been required of me to help him grow up into a man who will likely someday hold down a job and support a family. I want him to be prepared for life as an adult, though at this time he may need extra help to get him there.

 

We enrolled him in a football camp through the local PS w/ his 11 yob. He hates doing this. He would rather sit in his room and play w/ Legos....literally...all day. It has been quite a job to keep him physically active and engaged in group situations. I don't want him retreating into his own little world where he does all that he wants, and is comfortable doing.

 

Anway, when I arrived to observe my boys at camp, I see my 9 yo sitting on the grass, playing w/ the grass, and pouting. As I approach him, he looks up. I say "Hey, you feeling okay?" He seems a bit resigned and just wants to play w/ the grass. I tell him that it is time for him to get off his duff and get active w/ his group. He does not want to do this. I tell him that he really has no choice, and that the consequences will be unpleasant for him if he chooses not to workout w/ the others.

 

I tell him that I came to watch him, and that it was exciting for me to do so. This seems to cheer him on, so he gets up and resumes activity. It is painful for me to watch him struggle as he tries to look like he knows what he is doing. I yell enthusiastically and tell him "way to go!" I can see the other children look at me like "What the heck is her problem? This kid can't even catch a ball!"

 

Later at home, my boy tells me how the other boys were swearing at him and poking fun at him. Ouch. I say "Oh, that stinks. That doesn't feel good, does it?" I then tell him that he is part of our family, and that we all love him. I tell him that things can be so hard sometime and that kids aren't very nice, yet we must not give up. We must always try to do our best and not get lazy. (Easy for me to say, huh?) He just cried and hugged me (gulp).

 

I wipe his face and tears, and pat him on the back. I congratulated him for completing the week-long camp (yet I am re-considering his participation in this again next year...we'll see how mature he is), and tell him that he appears a bit stronger and physically fit. He really does need the exercise. I tell him that he needs to move his body, and that it is good for his brain and muscles (just like his gluten-free diet). I tell him that sometimes we have to work very hard.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is important to me to get my unique little boy active into real life, though it does make him (and me) uncomfortable. I'm not claiming to be an expert here, but this is just a demonstration of what dh and I feel is one way of trying to push our guy who is content to retreat into his own world and be isolated. He is comfortable in his sibling group, but we are trying to show him his potential outside that. This boy is highly intelligent and gifted.

 

So, all of you who are in the trenches of this sort of thing, you have my empathy, and hugs. I know it is frustrating, but don't give up. We can show our children who struggle that they are loved most of all, by God, and then by us. We can let them know that they are truly capable. They (and we) just need to work harder than most others.

 

Our children are a blessing (smile).

 

Blessings,

Camy

[farmgirlinwv]

:grouphug: I'm right there with you. It is very hard. You don't want them to be isolated, but you don't want them treated badly either. If all children were raised to be respectful of differences in others it would be a different world. My dd hasn't really been around *mean* children and I don't think she could handle it. It would really hurt her. I am very careful about who she is around and that limits her amount of interaction w/ other dc. I wish it were different. I guess we'll keep praying for insight into these children and what they need.

 

Lisa

[Laurie4b]

One of my ds's has coordination issues. They can be treated through occupational therapy. Have you tried that? Also, sports such as karate, horseback riding, and swimming happen to be the top choices for correcting the issues because of what the body is required to do; additionally, they don't provoke the teasing because other kids are not being affected by the child's performance.

[Liz Mc in SC]

When I was in College I use to baby sit for a family who traveled a good bit. I was more a nanny than a babysitter. The mom was a RN her Dh an Anesthesiologist. It was years later that the mom told me that her son has Cerebral palsy. Her words to me were -- "we don't concentrate on it, we concentrate on him. If we act as if he can't, then he won't. If we act as if he can, he'll try."

 

My son was born breech, natural birth. He was slow to walk and when he did walk he was always falling and tripping, stumbling over his own feet. To make a very long story short, he was diagnosed with a very long name which meant low muscle tone. The day Neurologist sat there and said "I'm not saying your son will never play sports....but he won't be your first baseman." I cried. Then I remembered the woman I sat for....and I took on her view, If I act as if he can't he won't, if I act as if he can, he'll try.

 

No, he's not my first baseman....but he's playing flag football right now. He's not good-- but he's trying. I want for him -- all the easy paths--but just like when he'd ride his bike I'd make him ride to "one more mail box" even though he'd want to cry (and in the beginning, we might only make it 3 mail boxes) I am here to encourage him - and push him - and to challenge him to meet his abilities.

 

I know that my son doesn't face all the challenges your son is facing.... but as a mom that doesn't have a "perfect" kid -- my heart goes out to you. It is hard to challenge them.

 

:grouphug:

[Elm in NJ]

I have one like that who just turned 13 last week. It does get better if you continue to push. He is still not completely comfortable in social settings with boys his own own age ( he is more comfortable around girls; less threatening according to his doctor). He is also very tall for his age(5ft 10 in) and skinny, so he is also not very well-coordinated. I decided this year that I would send him to a rookie-camp week about 2 hours from home. He survived it, in fact when dh picked him up, he was so excited and asked if he can go to the 3-week camp next year. I think back to all the struggles at karate(he hated it but I made him do it for 2 years), the amount of times he would go to cub scouts and dh would tell me that he was all by himself and that he didn't participate. He completed Weebloes but didn't want to join boy scouts and I respected that because now that he is older, I really can't force him to participate in those things.

 

He does soccer every seaon. He is not good at it but he knows that I won't let him quit. If he quits, I'll make him do basketball and he is more comfortable doing soccer. He has had major meltdowns at soccer over the years but I think last season was his best ever. The older he gets, the better he is getting at controlling himself more. This year he told me that he didn't want to do swimming lessons anymore. I asked him if he wanted to try for the swim team instead because at our house all the kids have to learn to swim. He is getting pretty good at it after 9 years but he still needs lessons.. He said that he didn't think he was good enough but he wanted to do the water polo classes. So I will sign him up for that.

 

 

Camy, your son is only 9. My son has also never been diagnosed and we don't use labels. He is also very intelligent. But the difference between him at 9 and now at 13 is like comparing apples to oranges. Just continue what you are doing with him. My son is also more comfortable with his 3 younger brothers and just being by himself in his bedroom reading. I als0 found that giving him more responsibilites helped.

 

Elmeryl(with J13, C9, R7, L7)

[Kathy in MD]

One of my ds's has coordination issues. They can be treated through occupational therapy. Have you tried that? Also, sports such as karate, horseback riding, and swimming happen to be the top choices for correcting the issues because of what the body is required to do; additionally, they don't provoke the teasing because other kids are not being affected by the child's performance.

 

I agree totally. Occupational therapy, followed by two of the three sports Laurie mentioned turned my klutz into the backup quarterback the first time he tried out for flag football. Almost all the other players had been playing for years. Also vision therapy helped with his hand-eye coordination. And my ds enjoyed every minute! Ok, not when they lost or when he threw a lousy pass. ;)

[elegantlion]

My ds liked baseball until we moved here. He had played in more recreational leagues and without knowing it he got put on a competitive team. I thought we'd be okay with dh as assistant coach.

 

No, my ds got hit on the head with a baseball two or three times before they started the season. He begged to quit. I was glad we didn't know any of these kids, I'm sure they thought my son was wimpy. The coach was very cut throat and thought 10 year olds should be major league material.

 

We let him quit and he has hated baseball ever since. It's been almost a year and he may be ready to try basketball this fall. They have Upward basketball here and I'm hoping they don't except the kids to be experts at this age.

[Susan in KY]

This probably has no bearing on any of the activities you'll put your son in, but I have found with my 8.5 yob that scouts is a much better fit for him than team sports. He hikes, does outdoorsy things, gets challenged to stretch himself in a myriad of ways and practices getting along with others. We were all relieved to leave organized sports behind.

 

FWIW,

Susan

[Camy-7 boybarians 1 lady]

Yes, we have done a few of these things you have mentioned as well. As he gets older it appears that we may have to adjust which activities are appropriate. That 9-12 year old age is interesting when it comes to the group consensus and teasing.

 

(Your child is blessed to have you cheering him on, btw! What a blessing when a parent sees a child's needs and takes action to provide them).

 

Blessings,

Camy

[at the beach]

My dd 9 has issues like your son. She is doing very well swimming competitively. It's a great sport because it is individual and yet there is the whole team thing, too. We really love it for her. And she loves it as well.

 

Anita

[Camy-7 boybarians 1 lady]

Awesome! Inspiring :o). Encouraging.

 

Blessings,

Camy

[Camy-7 boybarians 1 lady]

Wow, I needed to hear that. Thanks so much.

Your child is so blessed.

 

Blessings,

Camy

[Camy-7 boybarians 1 lady]

The "praying" part is so important, isn't it? God has made us all so uniquely...with our own gifts. We can all be used in some way for His Kingdom. That always inspires me.

 

Blessings,

Camy

[NevadaRabbit]

You could be describing my daughter. No labels, although I know she would have been diagnosed with Sensory Integration disorder (I was a PT, before having children). It can be so painful watching her struggle socially and physically. Taking her out of public school brought about changes in her, for the good, that have taken my breath away. She's enjoying golf! Amazing! Sounds like individual sports, rather than teams, are where the quirky ones shine.

 

(Christian content ahead) It was humbling to me when I read a book by Jean Fleming that encouraged me to repent of not completely accepting my quirky child - because I was praying that God would change my child, help her, so it would be easier for her - not praying for His help so that *I* could be the parent He needs me to be. She is who she is, because He created her that way, and gave her to us as part of this family for His purposes.

[Niffercoo]

I understand what you are saying about not wanting to label. We did thet with Austin for 9.5 years. We had even started homeschooling because of our desire not to have him labeled. But then, he started labeling himself (stupid, a baby, dumb). We knew that he was on the spectrum (because his sister had been diagnosed 2 months prior), but we weren't going to push for a diagnosis for him since we didn't feel it was necessary at his age. However, when he started calling himself those things and no amount of support we could give him would help, we decided to get him formally evaluated.

 

And I'm glad we did the evaluation for our daughter, too. I just took it for granted that she was just like her brother, and we'd made another quirky individual. Had we not pursued something, we never would have known that she couldn't hear. What child needs tubes who had only ever had one ear infection?? Ours did. Who knows how long she couldn't hear correctly!

 

Sometimes you don't want to have to label your child, but you don't have any other choice. Like you, I don't fault people who label, or who don't. I just post this to make sure there is a balance for people who may be reading this thread and wondering. Sometimes all the love and encouragement and support and persistence isn't enough on its own.

[Robin Hood]

Cami, my dd is that way and although I don't label her, the labels available help me to understand her world better and how she is viewed by the "normal" people, which is fine by me. I don't view her that way. I appreciate when others (ie: like her piano teacher) understand and the preferred label in our house is that she marches to the beat of her own drum. When other people get to know her and use that label, I know they get it. I have been unsuccessful at discipling "proper" chores, sports, and school habits into her. I believe there is a place for kids like these in the world and as I read biographies of past heros and even current day leaders, they weren't "normal" either. What I love about having a kid who marches to the beat of her own drum is that she has given me a new tune. I am out of the box now and see the world with a different perspective. My other dd is "normal" and that means more logical. It is very interesting around here to see how the two work together.

 

The education world view is that these kids need a number assigned to them, like whatever grade they are in, and then "normal" people can also assign a maturity label to them and that at that grade level they should have all those academics, abilities in sports, life skills, or whatever, at that level. If not, the labels you mention start applying. It is a very systematic approach.

 

I prefer the Laura Wilder method in a multi level environment, that where ever you left off last year, there you will begin this year. Then kids could have a 7th grade reading ability, 3rd grade math, 5th grade writing, higher math in some areas and science even yet different. Then you can work on life skills using their learning capablilities right where they are instead of frustrating them. When their brains are ready to get what is taught, they then fly high.

 

When it comes to sports abilities, my dd in not a team player. She is individual. Instead of forcing her to play team sports anymore, I am letting her decide and she chooses individual. In so doing, she has become more social in supporting team sports players as she shines in her own individual way. Sports of her nature would include gymnastics, dance, golf, swimming etc, where she works with others, but is still an individual. In those fields, she is a real comrade for the team. I hesitate anymore with sports like soccer, basketball, softball, etc because they are more integrated with each other and that is frustrating not only for her, but for the team.

 

My approach probably sounds nuts, but that is what having a kid who marches to the beat of her own drum has done to me. I love it.

[bettyandbob]

He's terrible at sports, but we simply had a rule --participate in one sport each season. I required summer swim team every summer until this year and he took swimming lessons year round until he was 10. So, fall, winter, spring was a sport plus swimming lessons. This was really essential. He did OT twice a week for 2.5 years, but it was expensive and I felt the returns were diminishing. We kept the sports though.

 

I never treated sports as a social activity for him. He was always the worst and no one wants to be friends with the kid who is bad and has poor social skills. It was just a rule that we do sports. Trying different sports gets different muscles going, etc.

 

At 7-8 one of the sports was gymnastics. I found a homeschool class and it was for ds at that time. At 10-12 he did tae kwon do. Again it was great overal exercise and the structure of the program fit ds well. At one point he received a yearly trophy the school gave for "most perseverant". Now ds works out with a personal trainer at the Y.

 

At home a high exercise day is still playing with legos. He mostly plays computer games now. He has a good friend, who lives 100 yards from us who meets him on line daily for World of Warcraft. Sometimes they play wii at one another's homes. This friend didn't come into his life until about 3 years ago. Before that, things were quite painfully loanly.

 

Anyway, those are things I've done. I'd lay out exercise goals for him and give him choices for accomplishing them. I'd definitely have him have different activities from better performing siblings. the only thing my 2 olders did together was swimming and you know it's pretty awful to be beat regularly by a sibling. This type of kid needs a place on his own. When dd asked and asked to do some of the same sports, particularly TKD we just did not give in. We knew the minute she was on the seen, picking up the skills quickly it would be over for ds. She gets to do a sport every season too just a different one. It's more driving and schedules to juggle, but it's better this way.

[Angel]

:grouphug:

 

My dd is heading towards 14. We accepted her quirks and helped her through rough spots for almost 10 years before figuring out what we were dealing with. She does have a label. Though we went through a small, children's clinic to get it. We never pursued a more "formal" diagnosis. We pushed our dd frequently, however, we were very aware of her limits and pushed when we saw opportunities for success, not failure. In pushing her limits in an area that was uncomfortable to her but one we were fairly sure she would like or succeed in, we set her up to build confidence, therefore being more willing the next time to try another new thing.

 

I agree with Laurie4b, there are great options for kids who struggle with gross motor skills. Out of those she mentioned, my dd excels at horseback riding. She finds it very therapeutic and I see a difference in her confidence when she has the opportunity to excel in an area. If only we had the $$ to have her in this regularly *sigh*

 

My dh is very similar to yours. After finding out what was going on, he was determined that I not talk about it or bring it up in front of her. I have found, though, that as she has entered the teen years, that it has been beneficial to share with her that God has wired some people's brains differently. As she's weeping over not being able to understand something she's tried so hard to get, crying because she once again ran into a wall or fell down the stairs, frustrated that she is so anxious over a new situation, it finally made sense to sit her down and explain why this was happening. She thought she was "no good" because she couldn't act like other people or do something that others felt was so easy. For her, understanding what was going on in her body made such a difference. She now knows that she'll have to work harder at some things and that some things will never be easy, but God will be with her. He didn't make her this way without a purpose.

 

I don't say this to try and change your mind. But to give you another perspective as I have traveled this path, too. Right now I'm trying to convince said dd that when she is married she will eventually have to TOUCH frozen food (she has many sensory issues) :lol: What a path we walk:)

 

:grouphug: again!

 

Angel

[Angel]

Jill,

 

Thanks for that statement. It really is true but sometimes so hard to remember.

 

Angel

[Colleen]

(((Camy))), you are a blessing to your children.:) While I can't directly identify with what you've shared, your post did bring to mind my Luke, a quintessential middle child. I see him struggling to find his place in the family ~ angry when he can't compete on the same level as the older two; beyond the little boy stage of the younger ones ~ and it pricks my heart. He ends up being bothersome to all four in an effort to be noticed; they respond by being annoyed with him; and the cycle continues. He needs an extra special attention that I myself sometimes find difficult to give.

 

But I digress. While I think you are wise to avoid labels and to encourage your son to move beyond his comfort zone, I wonder if perhaps you need to view him as the individual boy he is, rather than one more son in a family of many athletic, outgoing young men. Every child is not football camp material ~ and that's a good thing! The alternative needn't be sitting at home playing Legos and nothing else. There are a myriad of activities that might better suit your son. I have to tell you in all honesty that I see no value in forcing a 9 year old child to participate in a football camp. Getting moving, learning to be part of a team, those things are of value, but by simply plopping him down into a football camp with an unknown group, you may very well be putting the cart before the horse.

 

Go swimming with him. Take bike rides with him. Ask if he's interested in tae kwan do or some such pursuit. There are a myriad of ways for him to get the physical activity without doing a formal camp. The same is true of moving beyond the boundaries of his family circle. If he loves Lego, what about getting him involved in a Lego camp or club ~ there must be things like that.

 

He is young yet, Camy. I appreciate your desire to prepare him for his future role as father, husband, employee, employer ~ but please be careful to view him as the individual he is, to appreciate the differences he displays, rather than push him to follow in the footsteps of those who are going before him.

 

Peace to you, my friend.

[manylilblessings]

Your post blessed me. Though my children all would have different labels, they are simply, the blessed children of the Morris family, each perfectly designed by God to fulfill His will, and to help the lot of us grow in wisdom and understanding.

 

"Child of the living God" is the label we prefer, even for ourselves.

 

Hugs as you walk your road.

[readwithem]

(((Camy))), you are a blessing to your children.:) While I can't directly identify with what you've shared, your post did bring to mind my Luke, a quintessential middle child. I see him struggling to find his place in the family ~ angry when he can't compete on the same level as the older two; beyond the little boy stage of the younger ones ~ and it pricks my heart. He ends up being bothersome to all four in an effort to be noticed; they respond by being annoyed with him; and the cycle continues. He needs an extra special attention that I myself sometimes find difficult to give.

 

But I digress. While I think you are wise to avoid labels and to encourage your son to move beyond his comfort zone, I wonder if perhaps you need to view him as the individual boy he is, rather than one more son in a family of many athletic, outgoing young men. Every child is not football camp material ~ and that's a good thing! The alternative needn't be sitting at home playing Legos and nothing else. There are a myriad of activities that might better suit your son. I have to tell you in all honesty that I see no value in forcing a 9 year old child to participate in a football camp. Getting moving, learning to be part of a team, those things are of value, but by simply plopping him down into a football camp with an unknown group, you may very well be putting the cart before the horse.

 

Go swimming with him. Take bike rides with him. Ask if he's interested in tae kwan do or some such pursuit. There are a myriad of ways for him to get the physical activity without doing a formal camp. The same is true of moving beyond the boundaries of his family circle. If he loves Lego, what about getting him involved in a Lego camp or club ~ there must be things like that.

 

He is young yet, Camy. I appreciate your desire to prepare him for his future role as father, husband, employee, employer ~ but please be careful to view him as the individual he is, to appreciate the differences he displays, rather than push him to follow in the footsteps of those who are going before him.

 

Peace to you, my friend.

 

Great post.

[Ottakee]

Even if you want to avoid labels, I think you are wise to look at his strengths and weaknesses.

 

Work on the weak areas but really focus on the strengths. After all, none of us would be very happy spending 80% of our time on things we hate and aren't good at.

 

Instead of football, how about individual sports? Even if they are not organized he might enjoy hiking, biking, swimming, etc. Those sports don't have a team depending on his skill level (or lack of it) to win. I LOVE the idea of horseback riding as well. That has been so good for my girls and horses don't care where you are on the social skills ladder.

 

In other areas, I would look at scouts, lego clubs, chess clubs, or other things that follow HIS interests. Try to find something HE is good at and don't let his brothers do it too. Make it HIS thing. That can really help him.

 

You might also want to seek out Occupational Therapy or Physical therapy to help him develop his skills. Now, sometimes a diagnosis is needed to get insurance to pay for these things. I do think though that it would be better to try to help him with these skills now at 9 than wait until he is older.

 

I am one that does have "labels" for my kids. They actually have many, many alphabet soup lables. We don't make them WHAT our kids are but rather tools to help them get the help they need. I never let them use it as an excuse but it does help us get the proper help they need to do the best they can. As it is now, your son DOES have labels---not ones from professionals but ones from other kids and maybe adults---weird, slow, etc. We try to avoid those types of labels in our home.

[Remudamom]

Oh Camy, bless his sweet little heart. I'm all teared up for him, and that's not easy to get me to do. I've got a soft spot for little fellas like that.

 

What a blessing for him to have you as a mom. With you in his corner it'll all be good in the end, even with football camp.

[8filltheheart]

 

Sometimes you don't want to have to label your child, but you don't have any other choice........Sometimes all the love and encouragement and support and persistence isn't enough on its own.

 

 

:iagree:

 

We wanted to avoid labelling our ds. We also wanted to help him help himself through behavioral modification (constant positive reinforcements) vs. medication.

 

We believed (more like convinced) that we had been making all the right decisions and he really was thriving. Then he hit puberty and everything mushroomed. We found ourselves at ground zero trying to find an accurate diagnosis......and we have been off and on in crisis since then (4 yrs) without a definite diagnosis. He hit critical mass last week.

 

Being a teenager with disabilities and no concrete way of explaining it to yourself, leaves you with a problem w/o a way to view it for what it is. That is a huge hurdle/obstacle that at times is mentally insurrmountable. You want to be like everyone else, you know your not, so what does that make you? Knowing that it isn't "you," but x,y,z helps the teen not be the label but work with it.

 

As our ds faces only 1 1/2 more yrs before wearing an "adult" label (a more serious label legally than any other label he will receive), I regret not pursuing "labels" earlier. If he is going to go to college, he is going to require extended time for testing (not b/c of intelligence issues b/c he is extremely above average. But he has motor control issues and he cannot physically accomplish an equal amount in equal time.) He needs to be able to request special provisions for housing (b/c he is OCD and suffers from anxiety). He needs to be receiving therapy so he can cope.

 

While I understand philosophically the desire against labels, as I look forward to our ds having to function independently, I realize the labels are not a negative. The labels are actually tools for opening doors and opportunities that he would never be able to obtain on his own. They provide a framework for him to work out his own view of his disability and how he is going to cope with it.

 

I wish we had done everything differently. I can't. We thought we were making the most informed decisions. Though, if I am completely honest, I think I was bigotted against labels. They were an issue for us as parents. Now that we are actively seeking labels, it has been very humbling. It strikes me in my heart b/c they don't change who my ds is. He is what he is no matter what. Not giving it a name does not make it not there. They are actually what he needs in order for him to understand himself.

 

A diagnosis at a young age, before he became constantly in crisis, might have prevented the cycles we see ourselves in now. The earlier intervention would have empowered us, him, and the drs to know better what we are actually dealing with.

 

Just another POV.

[Ottakee]

WONDERFUL post. That is part of what I was trying to say in my own post but didn't word it as well.

 

My son's labels ahve allowed him to access some very wonderful programs that get him job training, social outings, etc.

 

Just getting the label does NOT mean that you have to SHARE the label with others.

[AmyB]

but I highly recommend seeing a physiotherapist, and getting a correct diagnosis. There is no point in trying this sport or that sport if you don't know what is wrong. Is it endurance, balance, posture, strength, or a combination of those things? Is it swimming or horseback riding or running that will help? A physiotherapist will also be able to give you the names of good coaches, and you can go and talk to them about your specific concerns. It seems to me that the social skills are tied in with the physical ones. There are loads of Olympic athletes whose parents put them in sports because they had physical problems, sometimes severe physical problems, and they ended up loving the sport. They also developed good social skills.

 

I had physical problems when I was a child, and my parents never took me to the doctor to understand why. It caused me decades of frustration. As an adult I did find out why, and the cure was very easy. Do you really want your son saying this same thing about you in 20 years?

[Michelle T]

[quote name=Niffercoo;40500

 

Sometimes you don't want to have to label your child' date=' but you don't have any other choice. Like you, I don't fault people who label, or who don't. I just post this to make sure there is a balance for people who may be reading this thread and wondering. Sometimes all the love and encouragement and support and persistence isn't enough on its own.

 

 

Everyone has labels, both from others and from themselves. A child who doesn't fit in, who doesn't "get" what comes naturally to others, who wants to do what THEY want to do and yet is continually pressured to do otherwise; that child will give himself a label to explain these discrepancies. Most of the time, the labels the child will choose include "stupid", "weird" "bad" or similar, negative labels. And others will easily come to believe those things too.

 

My DS is "labeled" with ADHD and NLD. He knows without a doubt that these are NOT excuses for anything, and he cannot use them as such. But he also knows that these conditions (and they are real conditions, not things "made up" by the PS or doctors) do affect his learning and behavior, and that he will have to work harder in life to compensate for his learning issues. Having ADHD or LD's is definitely going to make his life a harder row to hoe, but they are not doom, or death sentences either. Just his particular cross to bear, as we all have.

 

Anyway, I don't want to be a flame thrower, or unduly contrary. I just have never understood the homeschool world's resistance to genuine "labels". Used correctly, they can be life savers.

Michelle T

[Camy-7 boybarians 1 lady]

It makes me so proud to see how parents will work so hard on behalf of their children. Many of you have posted your own situations, which sound so similar to mine, yet the trend is that "you" won't give up on your children who are struggling.

 

The narrow road of homeschooling can become an "unpaved two track that seems to get narrower" when we have a child who challenges and requires more from us than what we think we can give. But you all seem to embrace that calling! It puts me in utter awe and gives me a booster shot of motivation to do even better.

 

When we view our children through God's eyes (if this were possible), we would see a picture of a truly capable human being made perfectly for His glory. How this is my prayer...to work w/ this vision in a way that helps my children along to realize their own gifts.

 

I think of what Jesus said when asked why a particular man was born blind. He asked Jesus if it was because this person's parents had sinned. But alas, Jesus in His beautiful wisdom explained that this person would manifest the glory of God. How I love that!

 

"Who doth know the mind of the Lord?".....

 

As we go forward, from football camp anyway, it occurs to us that our little guy is growing and maturing. After talking with my dh just last night, he had mentioned that we don't want to fit him into any expectation or likeness of his other brothers (Colleen, your post is related to this :o). Our family is active in football. We are going to narrow this down further and attempt to help our boy and raise our large family. It has been more desirable for us all to head in one direction, one activity, more doable for our budget (money and time).

 

We have a lot of praying to do to figure how we can get our boy active and help him grow in his gifts. God has always been faithful in showing us what to do.

 

Many of you have noticed my hesitation to use lables. Your wisdom, about considering help and diagnosis as a springboard toward a more positive direction for my child, was wonderful. Dh and I plan on talking more w/ our doc about what we see in our guy to learn what recommendations are out there.

 

Overall, I wish I could just give you all a hug.

 

I'm so thankful to be part of a community such as this.

 

Your virtual encouragement has lifted my spirit. I will pray for you all today, that you will be further blessed in your pursuit to raise your children in this world.

 

Blessings,

 

Camy

[Jill- OK]

Camy pointed me towards it after my post that included (among other stressful things, lol) a reference to an evaluation with a psychologist for one of my younger kids.

 

Like Camy, I'm hesitant to label kids. Like many others, I also see that certain assistance has to come through the 'labelling' process, though.

 

Camy, I think your approach of chatting with the doc about it is a good one; we have a GREAT family doctor, and this experience has only served to show me how important it is to have one that either respects your approaches, or, even better, shares some of your philosophy. (Our doc is conscientious, but also cautious about labels, etc.) He agreed that a visit to someone more knowledgable was in order, and so, we're going.

 

Even if a label comes from this...it's not necessary to share everything with the wide world. I don't know what's going to happen from the visit, forward (I also don't like to say "Never"), but we plan to go forward with our usual approach, which is similar to Camy's, of gently encouraging our 'different' child to step out of her comfort zone, but we'll also have some new tools, hopefully, to help us address her differences in ways we might not have thought of on our own.

 

There can be a balance, in other words, is what I guess I'm saying.

 

A few family members and a couple of friends know that we're proceeding in this way with our dd, and that's it. Thus far, without a label, we've been able to deal with her 'quirks', with teachers, etc., and we've seen her grow in many areas, so that's how it will stay. If a situation warrants someone knowing, I'm not against sharing, but for the most part, it's going to be on a "need to know" basis.

 

That includes her.

 

I can understand where there might be times and situations when a child would benefit from knowing that something isn't inherently their 'fault', and I can also see the concern that knowing about a certain condition might influence a child's perception of themselves, and their capabilities.

 

Again...I think you can strike a balance.

 

We have to strike them in many areas as parents, and I think (believe, hope) that this won't be any different.

 

((Hugs)) to all of you with 'quirky' kids...there's a unique ache in loving them, isn't there?

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

So, all of you who are in the trenches of this sort of thing, you have my empathy, and hugs. I know it is frustrating, but don't give up. We can show our children who struggle that they are loved most of all, by God, and then by us. We can let them know that they are truly capable. They (and we) just need to work harder than most others.

 

Our children are a blessing (smile).

 

Blessings,

Camy

 

Camy, would it help you to hear that the quirky kid that was on the spectrum (somewhere) and had those same struggles and those same traits had a very successful last two years of high school and went off to college last year? He certainly does not lack friends or confidence at this point. I didn't know if he would get to this place, but he did. He's still pretty darn quirky, but in a way that works for him.

 

Lots of hard work for you. Lots of pushing out of the comfort zone. LOTS of reframing what other people are putting him through, age-mates mostly. Lots of "get out there, son, you can do it" when he is dying inside.

 

Ds even pledged a fraternity the first week he was at college and has strength of character enough to choose to be one of five or six non-drinkers in the frat. I'm not all jumping up and down about fraternities in general, mind you, but considering this was the kid you would never imagine would be social enough to come out of his room off his computer, it's a major big fat hairy deal.

 

Be encouraged. What is today is not necessarily what will be tomorrow.

 

:grouphug:

[Chris in CA]

:grouphug:

[elizam]

I totally understand, although we never really pushed ours to participate in sports. When he did choose Pop Warner as a 12yo, he was really "too old" to be any good, as the other boys had played for at least 3 years or more, most of them since age 7 or so!

 

I hated the atmosphere of PW...the kids cussing, parents cussing, the meanness, etc.

 

Swim team was much better, but we still encountered meanness and snobbiness.

 

7th grade ds also wanted to go to PS because his dad pressured him all the time to try it and be "more like other kids."

 

Now dh doesn't understand why ds has gravitated toward a very different crowd than the preppy jock crowd...and he is afraid ds is going to wind up a dr8g using loser.

 

:(

 

I still feel this terrible pain for my ds. He is fifteen, annoying to the hilt sometimes, has all this energy with nowhere positive to channel it, and is so awkward with other kids, but still acts good with the right kind of adults. He doesn't, however, make a good impression with every adult at school.

 

I am afraid for my awkward ds. SPorts didn't help him at all.

[Mom to Aly]

My daughter used to take horseback riding from a woman who lost her son when he was a teenager, he was hit by a car. She has dealt with it by dedicating herself to working with children who have difficulties that sound similar to your son's through therapeutic horseback lessons, which work wonders. There are other physical activities which are also supposed to be good for certain challenges. I don't think football is one, and I would be worried he could be hurt, especially with children who are not considerate and kind to him.

 

Besides that, putting him in a situation where the children are not considerate of him, where they are cruel to him, cannot be helping his self esteem, and, I would think, would be more likely to make him want to withdraw. He has not yet reached puberty, but a lot of challenges can be magnified at that stage, or manifested in different ways, and a self esteem issue can become enormous then (although it isn't at all the same, I have a brother who is severely mentally ill, and I think of him when I speak--going to a camp like this would destroy him).

 

Although you may not want to label your son, and I do understand that, having him around children with challenges similar to his own could be very helpful. It could show him that he is not alone, that there are other people like him, how they cope, etc. Where I live, our parks & rec dept. have therapeutic sports for children with special challenges, which can be wonderfully effective, including helping them with their coordination, speech, etc. I think he could get a lot out of something like that. More than anything else, it would get him out of the abusive environment he was in in the camp (I keep wanting to ask where the counselors were?).

 

Instead of trying to force him to fit into a situation where he does not, why not allow him to glide into one where, not only would he fit, and enjoy it, but it could also be quite beneficial? Labels are just that, labels, and if he hears one because of it, so what. If you tell him it is nothing, it is. He heard plenty of labels at camp, and they certainly weren't good. Let him experience something that will show him the only label he needs to know: having fun.