kwg Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 My stepdaughter (24 years old) came to me on Christmas and said that she felt like the black sheep of the family this year. At my dad's house they waited to give her a present until everyone was done. So she was just sitting there watching everyone else (they just pass out presents and everyone digs in- it is crazy! I hate it!) then they gave her an envelope with money so it felt very last minute. I was so busy with the youngers that I didnt notice :( SHe said she even left this year in the middle of all the chaos and cried outside. :crying: In fact though I think that is what they do-pass out money to the grown ups at the end. BUT my husband and I both receive gifts from them (and money) so it is odd that she does not. Then at my mom's, she recieved a 25.00 gc and an ornament. My younger boys got an ornament, book, beyblade, game, and toy. She said she knows it isnt about the money, but at the same time, she also knows that the games alone had to cost 25.00 each. My ds10 noticed her present "pile" was smaller at my mom's and was very worried about it- he spoke quietly about it to me. Kinda wish he had said it a little louder! ( in truth the ornament I found out later was an extra one my mom had bought, not necessarily with my daughter in mind). She said she always feels like that at my dad's. The same thing happens every year. She understands she is not their "real" grandchild but she has been a part of my family for 16 years. SHe calls me Mom and we are close. They know this. SHe wanted to tell me b/c she didnt want it to happen another year and really doesn't want to keep going if it is going to continue. I am very angry with them honestly but I am not sure I have the "right" . Would you be? How would you handle it? I do not want to sound like she all she cares about is money or gifts, bc I really do not think that is what she was trying to say (I hope I am making sense/making that clear...) So i am thinking of an email. SOmething like thanks so much, kids enjoyed everything , had a great time blahblahblah......then on to say something about this situation. But what? How do I word it? All I can think of is : quit being jerks to my oldest kid! I can see them becoming defensive if say it "wrong" which is fine, I do not care, but my goal (my daughter feeling a part of the family celebration) will not be accomplished then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 Do you think they are making a conscious choice to treat her differently because she's a "step" instead of a "real" grandchild? Your answer would color my advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 In our family, once kids are adults, they get less 'stuff'. It's just SO much easier that way, and it's part of growing up. So for several years our two grown daughters received less than their siblings who were still teenagers living at home. When my siblings had kids, we bought for them, but now they're adults and we send a card. It's just part of growing up. It's sweet that you understand how she feels- I just wanted to share that having adult kids has changed things in our families. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Live2Ride Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 In our family the kids that are high school aged or under get gifts. The adults do a gift exchange with a theme and spending limit set forth in advance. It's a big deal for the kids when they graduate because they are excited to be able to play our game :). I think it's pretty crummy the way they are treating your oldest, but maybe they don't see her as a child anymore-getting lots of gifts....hugs for you both. Familie situations can be so sticky... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renthead Mommy Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 Has it always been like this? Are they treating her different because she's a step kid or because at 24 they are considering her an adult? In families that treat the adults so much different from the kids, sometimes that is a hard transistion from kid to adult. The 'kid' doesn't always get it at first. Are there other 'kids' her age and are they treated the same way? If not, and it's a step thing, I'd say something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwg Posted December 27, 2012 Author Share Posted December 27, 2012 In our family, once kids are adults, they get less 'stuff'. It's just SO much easier that way, and it's part of growing up. So for several years our two grown daughters received less than their siblings who were still teenagers living at home. When my siblings had kids, we bought for them, but now they're adults and we send a card. It's just part of growing up. It's sweet that you understand how she feels- I just wanted to share that having adult kids has changed things in our families. But do you think this applies since they are still buying me stuff? I would be fine with this if it is the reason....just seems odd they would not apply it to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 It could be because she's viewed as an adult now. I buy less as the extended family kids get older. Does she buy for other people's kids? Another possible factor is if she has a whole other family also buying for her. I have kids in my extended family who have several families buying for them due to the way the family was built. I also don't see those kids as much, since they spend many holidays with their other families. Therefore I have little connection with them and really no idea what they would want. After a certain age, I buy them a "token gift," and I'll buy for their young kids if they have any. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 I think you have another problem addressing this now because she is an adult. Are there other adult children and how are thy treated in terms of presents now that they are adults? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 But do you think this applies since they are still buying me stuff? I would be fine with this if it is the reason....just seems odd they would not apply it to me. Well, that's a whole different thing- dh's parents send us both a check for our birthdays but his is twice what mine is. I don't complain, it's just the way they are. But yeah, buying you stuff but not her is a little odd. Have they always treated her like a 'lesser grandchild' or is this a recent thing? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 Is she treated differently from other adult children? It seems that your step daughter feels that she is being treated differently, and it is hurtful. She may attribute this, correctly or incorrectly, to the fact that she is a step and not a blood relative. Has she historically been treated differently? It speaks very well of your relationship with her that she shared her feelings with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 But do you think this applies since they are still buying me stuff? I would be fine with this if it is the reason....just seems odd they would not apply it to me. She's also an additional generation away from where you are in the family. I think as folks get older, it is hard enough for them to take care of those closest to them. My own parents do not buy for me and my five siblings. They buy for children only. I'm not sure whether that would include a 24-year-old. Considering that some of the "kids" in our extended family were parents themselves at that age, I'm thinking not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 She should be treated like any other adult in the family, and should behave like one too, giving and receiving as all the other adults do. And yes, I'd be doing my best to sort it all out. No one should be treated like an outsider after 16 years! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SJ. Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 I agree with the previous posts that she is now an adult so she shouldn't expect as much as the littles, unless the other adults in the family are treated differently. As far as the cost of gifts, you never know what someone spent on a gift so you can't compare full retail prices. For example, I bought my little nieces each a pile of clothes from Gymboree but it was all discounted - think 40.00 dress for under 10.00. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SJ. Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 She should be treated like any other adult in the family, and should behave like one too, giving and receiving as all the other adults do. And yes, I'd be doing my best to sort it all out. No one should be treated like an outsider after 16 years! Yes, this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SJ. Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwg Posted December 27, 2012 Author Share Posted December 27, 2012 The other adult grandchildren were not there so I do not know if they got "more" or whatever @ my mom's. At my dad's, she is blazing new ground :laugh: . The only other adults were her parents and we did receive gifts. I do not *think* they were being intentional......it had not occurred to me, the adult thing. Maybe that is what it is, but I wish they would apply it to me, her mom!!! or her dad!! FOr those of you whose families do this, it applies to ALL the grown ups right? I do not think she really wants/expects as much as the little ones- but like at my dad's *everyone* had presents from them but her.......and she did not feel equal at my mom's but perhaps she was being too sensitive. *sigh* I guess I will not be able to send out a blanket statement telling them to behave. I will have to see if there is more to it. fwiw, she does give gifts but they are not really personal so perhaps it is that. Thanks for giving me other ways to think about it. Historically she has been treated unfairly by her family- and dh has had to come to her defense with my inlaws so I think that is why I am so upset...and extra sensitive to it as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth in MN Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 Could it be that your parents thinks she gets gifts from her other family? My step-mom was very clear with me when my Dad died that I was getting nothing in his will because I am the only heir for my mom, and my step-siblings all have a rich father to inherit from where as my half-brother only had his parents. I do agree that the level of gifts your step-daughter gets should be equal to what the other adults are getting. Since the other adults got a gift AND money, so should she. Since one of your younger kids brought it up, use that as a jumping off point. Mention that your DS noticed the disparity and was upset. When he noticed it, you noticed it. Ask point blank why the inequality is going on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 I would speak up, but I would not do it in an email. It's too hard to be misread. I would talk to them in person, or if that is not possible, on the phone. I am sorry this happened to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 One time, years ago, I noticed that I was the only person who did not receive a gift from one sibling. I thought it was probably a mix-up, so I discreetly mentioned it to my mom who investigated. Indeed there was a gift card for me, but in all the hubbub the giver had forgotten to give it to me. Another Christmas, my adult brother left my toddler-aged daughters out. He tends to be self-centered, but he is always expecting a gift from me, so I was ticked on behalf of my kids. I was not sure whether it was because he was just an idiot or because my kids were adopted. Again, I told my mom my feelings and she let him know it was not OK. That never happened again. In each case, it wasn't that I "wanted" anything. I didn't care if the gift came from the dollar store, truly. It was more the importance of treating people like they are as important as other family members. And don't come ready to "take" if you aren't willing to "give." So yes, I think it's fair to figure out what the "policy" is and ascertain whether it's being applied fairly. And if not, find a nice way of pointing it out so it doesn't happen year after year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.Balaban Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 I agree with the previous poster who mentioned having a discussion is better. Every family has their rules differently... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Kate Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 To me, the big question is...since she has been your step daughter for 16 years, have things always been this way??? And if so, why didn't you say something when she was a child? My brother has two step sons. We treat them exactly like we treat his daughters. I will be honest in saying that the first year, I didn't really want to (the divorce and marriage were quite fresh). I had a tough time considering them to be the same as my niece (sad, but true). But my brother made it clear that we were to treat his step sons the same as his daughter and we did. Several years later, I am so glad we did. Now my oldest nephew (step) is in his late teens. This year, I only gave him money, as that is what he requested. But it was the same amount that I spent on the others. What I will do when he's an adult...I don't know, as he is the oldest kid in our family. But I am sure we will all talk about it and figure it out. I do think you need to say something to your family. Your step daughter should be treated AT LEAST as well as the other adults. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 The important thing here is your dd's feelings. Her perception. I would gently approach your family with those facts.....that your dd FEELS like she is treated differently. If they are good kind people they will take steps to insure she feels loved in the family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 I think I would not be celebrating christmas with these people. I don't understand why you have repeatedly chosen to take a young woman you reared into the lion's den where she is treated poorly. I also don't understand why your husband tolerates it as she is his bio daughter. as far as you are concerned, she is your daughter, even if you didn't give birth to her, or rear her for the first eight years of her life. the message YOUR parents are sending is she *isn't* one of their grandchildren and is nothing more than an outsider. you have allowed them to send that message by ignoring it for 16 years. talking to them will not change anything, though mentioning they've treated her as an outsider will let them know why you are upset and will not be celebrating christmas with them anymore (and I wouldn't). Oh, they'll deny and "spin". I learned one thing from my family - actions speak FAR louder than words. they will not agree with you that they've treated her poorly, and I promise, the more they are aware of their unfair treatment of her - the more angry at you they will be for pointing it out to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 I tend to think people aren't deliberately mean, but they can be thoughtless. As others have said, this is NOT an email conversation. It's more of a, "y'know mom, dh's daughter (her name) felt a little left out because she had nothing to open this year. I know you probably felt that at her age she would just want money, but it's always nice to be able to open a gift." And see what she says to that. Oversight? 24-Year-Olds shouldn't care? Not a blood relative? Not enough time to shop? Had know idea what she would want? "Everybody likes having something to open." Is how I would put it. If she pleads not enough time, then suggest it's important enough that YOU will buy the gift and give it to your mom to wrap! (I would think that would guilt her into it, but if it doesn't, I'd go ahead and do it next year!) In our extended famiies the policies ARE slightly different for kids of that age -- they tend to want primarily gift cards/money, but we ALWAYS make sure there is at least one thing or more to unwrap, however small. And we try to personalize it to their interests so they know we were thinking of them when we bought it. And honestly, if we had a friend or stranger at our holiday gathering, that person would get something to UNWRAP. I totally get your dd's feelings, you don't want to be the only one left out! I imagine your mom will react positively,probably not even realizing how this came across to your dd. Good luck with the conversation, I do think you have to have it! Be gentle, but firm... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tranquility7 Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 I agree with some PP who wonder if it is because she is an adult now. Maybe also because people don't know what to buy for her? We are not "gifty" in my family at ALL, but DH's family is quite gifty. Have you ever read the Five Love Languages? Gifts are about last on my list, but I have realized they are important to DH's family. Even though your SDD is an adult, maybe gifts are just an important way to show love to her, and if she isn't receiving any (or they seem like an after thought), maybe it just hurts her more than most. On my side of the family, we are extraordinarily practical about gifts. Usually for our kids, I pick out all the gifts and then my mom just tells me which ones she and my dad want to give. Occasionally my mom has picked out something on her own, but usually it is just easier for her if I just buy, wrap, and tag from them. I'm happy to do it, no biggie (and I always know it is something our kids want/need and will enjoy) :-) On DH's side, however, they always want to pick their own and keep it a secret. Fine by me, whatever makes them happy! If it were me, I would think of some great gifts that SDD would love to receive next year, and then when Christmas rolls around, I'd ask my parents, "Hey, if you don't have something for SDD, could you give her XYZ that I bought for her? I already have other gifts I want to give her, and besides, I know it would mean a lot to her coming from you!" Maybe that sounds weird to other people, but honestly that works out fine in our house, lol! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I also wonder whether the 24 year old is GIVING gifts? Once someone is an adult, I think it is reasonable to expect some reciprocicity. In our families, the older generations still spend more $$$ to some degree, but I think that young adults need to be giving gifts to those from whom they expect gifts. I have cousins who take, take, take but never give, and I find it repulsive. That said, I do sympathize with your stepdaughter! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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