Can you help me make my 2-year-old's life easier?

[EmmaNZ]

I have asked about this guy a couple of times before, but we're stuck again. To say this child is intense would be an understatement. He was born this way. My current issue is that we still seem to be spending most days with him screaming.

 

He can be so cute and endearing. He will play with his toys for literally hours if all is well with his world. He makes up elaborate stories for all the cars and people, speaking their roles out loud.

 

But at every single little juncture in the day - breakfast, getting dressed, me going upstairs when I was down, older brother playing the wrong toy etc etc he will scream and scream because some little part of it won't have gone the way he expected. He was doing this at 18 months (he is 31 months now), and I hoped when he could speak it would ease, but if anything it is worse. I am sure if his days were structured such that everything down to the last detail was the same every day then things would be better. But that is an impossible dream with 4 other children age 8 down (including a 4 month old baby).

 

So what can I do? It is very very hard not to lose my temper, because he can scream so determinedly for such a long time. Ignoring him just makes him scream louder and longer.

 

Thanks for reading, and for your thoughts.

[Melissa in Australia]

It is really hard to suggest something without actually observing the situation.

sometimes screaming is just a child expressing their frustration. Is he trying to tell you something but doesn't have the words?

can you defuse the situation by distraction?

is he possibly not getting enough attention and so using screaming to try and get that?

would completely ignoring the screaming work?

[jelbe5]

Oh, I am so sorry for you and for your little guy. Have you discussed this with the doctor?

[Oakblossoms]

I think he needs more attention. Since, you have a new baby, you need to get creative! How helpful/capable are the older two? Can you schedule time for them to really focus on him. They can play with a certain kind of toy he loves like trains.

 

How are your toys? Can you pack up all the toys and keep a few baskets around. When you sit down with the baby you can pull out those toys so he is occupied near you.

 

How about eating? Keep a snack with you and give him a snack. Maybe he needs to eat more often. You can set up a cooler in an area if your not by the kitchen.

 

Is he getting the big energy out? How is he sleeping? Is he using any words?

[Elizabeth in MN]

So when he has to transition/change from one activity to the next your son gets upset? The way he expresses his issue with the transition is to scream?

[Parrothead]

The best I can come up with is a 5 minute warning for all changes. And if someone snatches something away from him, he needs to have it back. He probably needs his own space. Maybe one of those gate contraptions where he can play with his stuff but no one can get in and mess him up. Think of it as a reverse playpen.

[----]

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[EmmaNZ]

Thank you all so much for responding so quickly. It is really helpful to try and unpick this. I think the issue is multi-faceted, hence the difficulty in fixing it.

It is really hard to suggest something without actually observing the situation. sometimes screaming is just a child expressing their frustration. Is he trying to tell you something but doesn't have the words? can you defuse the situation by distraction? is he possibly not getting enough attention and so using screaming to try and get that? would completely ignoring the screaming work?

 

Yes, he is frustrated. Frustrated that his expectation of what was going to happen doesn't match the reality. He can speak nicely, but gets so worked up he can't use his words to tell me how to fix it. He won't be distracted, ignoring the screaming makes it much, much worse. There might be an issue with wanting attention, for example he often won't get into the car without a fight, so I end up having to pick him up and wrestle with him to get his seatbelt on!

 

Oh, I am so sorry for you and for your little guy. Have you discussed this with the doctor?

No I haven't seen the doctor. I think I would feel a bit of a fraud - don't all 2 year olds have tantrums? Also, I often think if I handled things better we wouldn't have so many issues. I'm not sure how true that is.

 

I think he needs more attention. Since, you have a new baby, you need to get creative!

 

Yes you might be right, but this issue predated the new baby. He has been highly strung since birth.

 

So when he has to transition/change from one activity to the next your son gets upset? The way he expresses his issue with the transition is to scream?

 

Yes, he screams when changing from one thing to another - putting his coat on, taking it off again, sitting down at the table, going to bed. The screams are most often screams of frustration - some little thing won't be like he had in his head, for example a blue cup instead of a pink one, welly boots instead of trainers.

 

The best I can come up with is a 5 minute warning for all changes. And if someone snatches something away from him, he needs to have it back. He probably needs his own space. Maybe one of those gate contraptions where he can play with his stuff but no one can get in and mess him up. Think of it as a reverse playpen.

That's not a bad idea! He doesn't interact very well with the others, especially his brother closest in age to him!

 

I'll keep pondering this I think.

[EmmaNZ]

I remember the days when the screaming felt like it would never end. Dh and I always say that dd#2 was born screaming and didn't stop for 3 1/2 years. She was miserable. We were miserable. Leaving the house was a nightmare. We read parenting books, consistently followed through, gave extra attention and hugs, and always gave warnings before changing activities. We took her to he doctor, certain that something was terribly wrong with her. At around 2 1/2, the screaming escalated to the point where she would vomit. We got comments (seldom nice) from strangers all the time. Family even refused to watch her, so i never got a break from her. i felt like a total failure as a mom. One day it just stopped. She's 6 1/2 now, but is still our very emotional child. Dh feels she is a major drama queen, but it took me a long time to realize that it's just her personality and her emotions are very real. She really does just feel her emotions to the extreme. It means that she can switch emotions really fast. When she's sad, she is sad to the core. When she's happy, she's walking on clouds. Life is a rollercoaster with her. She has taught me more patience than I ever thought possible. (On the flip side, when she's loving on her mommy, she really loves on me.)

 

No advice from here. Just understanding and hugs.

 

 

Thanks for the hugs!

[MomatHWTK]

Your research term would be "rigidity" in thinking. He has fixed in his mind a process and can't snap out of it. I can't offer a lot of suggestions but for one of my children it is as if we have to pre-program everything. If we are going somewhere new, we pre-brief. We discuss what is going to happen, what might go wrong, how to handle it if something does go wrong. The more we can anticipate every possible scenario and run through them in advance, the better things go. Once the meltdown has started, you may have to just ride it out. Redirection sometimes works. Bribes sometimes work.

 

I've noticed with our littlest guy that he sometimes has to reenact whatever transpired and try to get them to work out right. So if he wouldn't put on his jammies and there was a big meltdown, he won't put on his jammies in a different room. He has to take the jammies to the room that we were orginionally in and re-live the event.

 

I wouldn't discount seeing a doctor, there are specific therapies for redirecting thinking and getting past the fixations.

[jelbe5]

I suggested perhaps seeing the doctor because perhaps there may be help in coping for both you and your son. He sounds as if he is a "high need" kiddo and sometimes they can be helped and soothed in ways different from the ways that have worked with other children. I am wondering if there may be some sensory things going on with your little one. It does sound as if he needs extra attention, especially with a new baby. I feel for you both; this has been going on for quite some time and it must be so hard on both of you. (((Hugs)))

[Giraffe]

I know it may be hard to find the time to read, but if you can, take a look at Raising Your Spirited Child and The Sensitive Child. DD had issues with transitions too and both those books helped me. She wasn't a screamer, but would completely melt down and shut down. They need more warning, more help withtransitions. And more of a routine.

[Marianne in TX]

The best I can come up with is a 5 minute warning for all changes. And if someone snatches something away from him, he needs to have it back. He probably needs his own space. Maybe one of those gate contraptions where he can play with his stuff but no one can get in and mess him up. Think of it as a reverse playpen.

 

 

I think this is a great idea : ) My 9 yo still has difficulty articulating his frustration. And even when my olders articulate their frustration, they don't always know exactly WHY they are so frustrated....or that the frustration is quite normal under the circumstances.

 

When my 2nd daughter was 2, I realized that she would often act on the outside the way I felt on the inside. So instead of trying to fix her (or me <_< ), I began trying to figure out ways to help us all manage our emotions better. It's hard at first. A couple of things I've learned and try to keep in mind:

 

1. No one likes to be interrupted.

2. Eveyone (including dh and I) have difficulty disengaging from things we enjoy.

 

Approaching situations with a warm or thoughtful problem-solving attitude helps. As my kids are growing, I find that most drama ends up with me trying to figure out how to help everyone with *stress management*. Oh. And I also try to teach them to respect everyone's *personal bubble*. No matter how big it is ^_^ .

[fairfarmhand]

How bout a timer for when change is needed. I would give him 5 minutes and tell him in 2 minutes, 1 minutes, etc.

 

Also, if at all possible, I'd isolate him in a room when he was screaming, just for my own and the rest of the family's sanity.

 

Id say, "Sorry, buddy, When you have to scream, you must do it in here. It hurts everyone's ears." I'd gently set him on the bed and leave the room.

[Chris in VA]

Just a little suggestion (and a big hug)--

 

My aspie son had some transition problems, and also some anxiety about how things would be that were upcoming. He needed to feel some measure of control in order to feel more at ease.

When he was very small (under 6) we started Carrot Bear stories. One night, I wanted to prep him for something that was happening the next day, and set a behavioral expectation, so I told a little story at bedtime. "Once upon a time, there was a little bear, and his name was..." and let the boys name the bear...Then Carrot Bear went on to have all sorts of "adventures." Actually, they were all ordinary things that were going to happen in the boys' lives very soon. For example, Carrot Bear opened an early Christmas present and it was pajamas! And he was very happy and said thank you, and wore his pj's that night! Yea! (the next day, of course, ds got pj's as an early Christmas present--when he opened them, he said, "JUST LIKE CARROT BEAR!!" It was so funny, but I knew the prep had worked.)

 

So maybe you can prep him in a fun way for things, while you are working on his flexibility in transitions.

 

Just a tiny thing--hope it helps.

[Twinmom]

If you think that your child's tantruming and issues with transition are beyond the norm, continue over a signficant period of time and cannot be attributed to a major shift in the family (new baby would be one!), look into Sensory Processing Disorder. Kiddos with SPD are often simply overstimulated by things that would not bother the average child...transitions are a big one, smells, textures of food, loud sounds, changes in mood of caregivers can freak them out, tags in clothing or different fabrics may bother them...their little systems just have more trouble dealing with their environments than the average child.

 

If you think your kiddo might have SPD or if you are just curious about it, look at the books Sensational Kids and The Out of Sync Child. Both books are really helpful and will assist you in zeroing in on the specific problem. Kiddos with SPD, especially the very young ones, can greatly benefit from occupational therapy with an OT who specializes in Sensory Intergration therapy. It made all the difference in the world for three of my kids!

 

HTH! Screaming drives me crazy! ;)

[Janie Grace]

:grouphug: I'm with you. My almost-3-yo is this way (and has been from birth). There are just a few things I have figured out for my guy...

 

1. He gets low blood sugar very quickly. (He also happens to be very tiny for his age; I don't know if that's related.) Often when he is flipping out, he needs to eat but he doesn't realize it (doesn't ask for food). I am trying to be more proactive to get food into him at regular intervals (like, 2 hrs). For whatever reason, his body needs that.

 

2. Redirect, distract. He cannot be reasoned out of a fit. He cannot be time-outed from a fit. He just needs to think about something else. Sometimes I start telling a goofy story, say "GUESS WHAT?" and come up with some interesting fact/story, show him something out the window, whatever. His emotions just cannot settle down while his mind is fixed on whatever is bothering him.

 

3. Work on training in the peaceful times (initiate conversations about how sometimes Mommy has to go upstairs, and it's okay, let's not scream about it.. or sometimes someone else has our toy, and it's okay, let's share and not scream, etc.). Sort of help him make a plan for his emotions while he's rational and not in that situation. It has seemed to help, esp. with me leaving (our little refrain is "Mommy always comes back!" said very cheerfully and light-heartedly -- I can see him saying it to himself now).

 

4. Pour on the one-on-one snuggle time. My sensitive child needs me. He needs cuddles, talking, stories. If his cup hasn't been filled up on a certain day, meltdowns are more likely.

 

It's SO HARD and SO DRAINING. I just keep telling myself that it will pass someday.

[Annie]

I know it may be hard to find the time to read, but if you can, take a look at Raising Your Spirited Child and The Sensitive Child. DD had issues with transitions too and both those books helped me. She wasn't a screamer, but would completely melt down and shut down. They need more warning, more help withtransitions. And more of a routine.

 

Raising Your Spitited Child helped me also. Hugs.

[Snow]

so I end up having to pick him up and wrestle with him to get his seatbelt on!

 

*This happens with both my kids at 2-3 yo. I feel for them...I wouldn't really want to get strapped into immobility either, but it just has to happen.

 

 

No I haven't seen the doctor. I think I would feel a bit of a fraud - don't all 2 year olds have tantrums? Also, I often think if I handled things better we wouldn't have so many issues. I'm not sure how true that is.

 

*All of them do, but it might make you feel more reassured to explain the intensity and just get some validation on whether its "normal".

 

 

 

Yes, he screams when changing from one thing to another - putting his coat on, taking it off again, sitting down at the table, going to bed. The screams are most often screams of frustration - some little thing won't be like he had in his head, for example a blue cup instead of a pink one, welly boots instead of trainers.

 

*I try to give my 2 yo as much choice as possible so she feels in charge. So, I don't get her a cup, I say would you like some water? Why don't you pick out your cup? And then she gets the one she wants. Same with shoes, clothes, etc. as much as I can allow, I can. Unfortunately, this often takes her some time, so clearly, not done when we are in a hurry, but it helps.

[mom2att]

Another book suggestion: The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene.

 

I didn't read it until my middle child was about 6 and starting to come out of those incredible difficult 2 - 5 years, but it was amazing how it really pegged the behaviors I had been seeing in my son during those years, and really helped me understand what he was dealing with. Some kids just have a very low frustration tolerance, and helping them learn to deal with that can be very difficult.

[Shellydon]

That sounds more than the normal intense child. I would consider outside help at this point - some screaming is normal, the amount you are describing is not normal. It is not normal to scream when you taking your coat on and off ever single time. That type of resistance to change or rigidity in thinking is indicative of something neurological. I think a visit to your pediatrician or a developmental pediatrician is in order.

[Snow]

 

 

I tried that. It actually made things worse. He would start throwing stuff and banging on the door. And he wouldn't stay in there.

 

My tactic after awhile was just to not acknowledge the screaming. That is definitely not easy, but it did work. His only reason for screaming was because he got an immediate response. The act of walking him to his room and continuously trying to make him stay in there was a response. And the response solved nothing for either of us. It gave attention to the screaming. So the screaming actually got worse, louder, more frequent, and he would start to get physical. If I left it alone it didn't last as long and he didn't get physical.

 

My son exactly.

[Sameera]

Keep to a healthy, naturally balanced nutrition, with exercise and be aware of food allergies & intolerances.

 

Avoid, refined sugar, sweets, lollies, cakes, gluten, wheat, caffeine, high carbs, fruit juices, sodas, artificial colours & additives, trans fats, and all industrialised, factory processed junk foods.

[KungFuPanda]

My son could not handle transitions at that age, and wasn't really verbal enough that that warning him about an upcoming transition helped. He was just so completely physical and his scream would cut through you and offend random passers-by. He doesn't scream anymore, but he's 12 now :-D