How did you decide you were DONE (having kids) and...

[Lizzie in Ma]

I wish we had not been done. But she and I both almost died. So we were done. Still hurts sometimes.

[fairfarmhand]

For me it was a multi-step process. DH had said almost all along that 3 was it, so when I was pregnant with the 3rd I kind of knew although at that point I still held out hope he'd change his mind (especially because we never did have a girl). So, step one for me was having a husband who was decidedly done before I was.

 

After #3, I got an IUD so we didn't really have to think about b/c, but it gave me time to really accept that we were done. I did already at that point feel very strongly/totally agree that I would not personally give birth to any more children --- three kids and all three premature to the point of needing NICU after birth for a time, and no known reason thus no way to really address that. We'd been pretty lucky in regards to the NICU stays, difficulties, delays, etc. and just felt it would be very bad stewardship of our future child's health to risk it again. Or rather, I guess we felt it would be gambling our child's life/health to be pregnant again, and we just were not willing to do so. With the kind of premature deliveries I have, with no reason, nothing I can do to prevent it, and nothing they can do to stop my body once it starts, it just really is unwise, for us. So, that was step two for me, and the IUD was a way to let my emotions about things catch up to my logical side.

 

By the time it was time to replace or remove the IUD I was fully on-board with the idea of no more kids at all, not just logically but emotionally too. The boys were all older, and it was nice to not have diapers, not have a stroller or a child that needed to be carried everywhere, not have to temper "can we do this" with "will it be possible with a baby/toddler?" and so forth and so on. We like this new stage of kids all old enough to potty by themselves, etc. The oldest is old enough, and now the youngest self-sufficient enough as well, that we can leave them all home for a while (not leave the 7 yr old alone, but leave him in the care of the 15 yr old) and go do stuff. If there was another younger sibling below the 7 yr old, it would be too much.

 

Throw in that we live in Brazil and it's hard enough finding a car that comfortably fits the 5 of us + our dog on the weekends, let alone anything big enough for more than 3 kids, and then hotels, etc.; there's a bit of a threshold at 3 kids vs. more than 3 kids that society/car makers/hotel rules/restaurant tables/etc. means anything over 3 is a lot harder to work around. Impossible? No. Not worth the hassle? No, I'm sure if we had more than 3 it would be well worth the hassle. But combined with our other reasons for stopping at three, it just makes sense.

 

Overall it's been positive and now when DH jokes about a baby sister, or another kid or whatever, I laugh instead of cry inside because I wish he was serious. Still, it took all the time from #2 to #3 and then the whole 5+ yrs after #3 before I was emotionally on the same page as logically about the issue. Definitely not a decision to be made lightly.

off topic, but have you read the national geographic article about declining birthrates in Brazil?

 

http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2011/09/girl-power/gorney-text

 

I found it very interesting.

[AdventureMoms]

We are fairly sure that we are done. I always wanted a dozen kids growing up. By adulthood I was thinking maybe 6 would be a good number. After my first (and realizing that REAL children are a lot more work than imaginary ones) I was thinking 4. After the twins...yeah. 3 is looking good. It makes me a little sad, because I would have liked to be pregnant (I am a happy pregnant woman) and nurse again. But I love the idea of moving past the stroller/diaper/bottle phase in the next year and I'm starting to be able to pursue hobbies again...it woudl be hard to go back in many ways. I look forward to being able to homeschool without babies by the time my eldest is old enough to get serious about school my youngest will be nearly 4. We'll be able to just move into the "school" phase of life while not also handling the "toddler" and "baby" phases. Traveling with kids is a big BIG goal of ours, and it will be a lot easier with 3 than it would be with more...

 

That said, we have no need for birth control and I could always change my mind. But I don't think so.

[TheReader]

off topic, but have you read the national geographic article about declining birthrates in Brazil?

 

http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2011/09/girl-power/gorney-text

 

I found it very interesting.

 

yes, it was interesting and we've definitely seen it to be true. People tend to marry later here than in the US, and then delay having children until later, and then it is SO VERY expensive to pay for private school, which interestingly enough you need to do if your child is to have a shot at the top (but public/free) universities, and on and on it goes and society here really dictates smaller families. Here, we are an oddity to have even 3 children, at least within our socio-economic level.

[I.Dup.]

There are drawbacks, but I'm positive that the relationships you have with your kids outweigh them by far. I meant to add to my post that whatever the studies are regarding IQs, that would never been a serious factor in whether or not I had more kids.

 

First of all, because the difference in points is hardly substantial in the studies I've seen. Secondly, because a higher IQ is not a guarantee of a well-lived, fulfilling life. I have a friend who has a very high IQ, but I don't envy her her life at all, for a number of reasons.

 

I sometimes wish I had the courage, patience, physical strength, and faith to take that jump and have more children. But a number of things hold me back, so my situation is unlikely to change. I'm sure there are some consequences of that choice I will appreciate and enjoy, and others I will regret and be wistful about. I don't believe there are any 100% happy decisions, because everything has a price. You just choose what price you are willing to pay and when.

 

Anyway, whatever you sacrifice by having more children, I do think that you are making an investment - in the human spirit. I bet holidays are a blast at your home, with games and laughing and some amazing memories. I don't know what to tell you about how to determine a stopping point, because we each come at that question with different criteria, resources, backgrounds, etc.

 

I'll just say that whatever you decide, I think your kids are lucky to have you for their mama. :grouphug:

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. This made me teary. Thank you. I agree with you about IQ...while I wouldn't wish for my children to have a low IQ, my parents are technically geniuses but they have a very, very difficult life. Both are mentally ill, etc.

 

That must be so hard. I'm so thankful that DH and I were on the same page about this. I can't imagine either one of us having to go through being upset about such a huge decision.

 

I agree, I have many friends who were forced into this decision by their spouse. It would be a hard thing for sure.

[Abbeygurl4]

#5 was the worst labor I ever had and dh and I decided we were done. We didn't do anything permanent until I found out I was pregnant with #6 :D

Dh got a vas. while I was pregnant because we both knew that we were done. I was SO upset when I found out about #6 that I cried for days! But I can not tell you what a blessing she is!! God knew I needed her and I have peace about being done.

 

I have 2 grandkids that don't feel like grandkids because they are very close in age to my 9 yo., grand-ds is 8 and grand-dd is 10. They all have a great time together but they feel more like my dc. So, I'm looking forward to more grand-dc in a few years!

[Mama Anna]

We talked about being done all through my last pregnancy. I never dreamed of a large family growing up - for crying out loud, I never expected to have a husband, much less children! So my circumstances are probably a lot different than yours.

 

It came down to

1) I struggle with depression while pregnant and caring for a newborn. This means Monster Mama comes out for about 13 months every pregnancy. Bad. The more babies I have, the more people have to deal with it.

 

2) Back when we got married, we decided we'd be done by age 35. That decision wavered and loosened, but it was convenient to remember. :)

 

3) Our financial situation is hard and not likely to get better soon. The more mouths we have to feed, the more stress gets put on dh's shoulders and that's bad for other reasons.

 

4) Dh didn't want to see me go through another miscarriage.

 

Do I regret it? Occasionally. Babies are cute after all, and there's not much else that beats having one snuggle into your neck. But then, my favorite age seems to be older elementary, so I'm not one who adores a baby. I'm glad we had dd3. But if we'd stayed on our normal schedule I would now be changing diapers on a 2-3 month-old and figuring out how to fit four children and two adults legally in a Ford Escort. I'd be not sleeping through the night, unable to exercise to keep my mood up, and never able to handle the stressful semester this has been anyway for dh. I'm cool missing that right now.

 

Will I regret it? Probably, at times. But there are so many other things that I regret a ton of a lot that this one will likely not be huge in comparison. If that makes sense.

 

FWIW! :grouphug: for whatever you decide.

 

Mama Anna

[Evergreen State Sue]

Age - At almost 39 and dh 41 with a newborn and an 18-mo, I knew I wouldn't have the energy.

[hsbeth]

In my personal experience our feelings are fickle and you can't underestimate the hormonal portion of it all either. I felt done after each pregnancy for those first few months. All of my pregnancies were high risk, scary, and took a huge physical toll on me. After number 3 we were told we couldn't have another. When dd was about a year old I started to want another to complete our family, so we started working on an adoption. That too was a roller coaster ride and in the end it did not go through.

 

Just when I resigned myself to being a mother of three, I found out that I was expecting our youngest dd. I was shocked to say the least. During an emergency c-sec delivery my tubes were tied based on medical advice from my ob that it would be unsafe to have another. Although I initially felt fine about that decision, once dd was about 6 mths old I began to have baby fever again big time. I almost had talked my poor dh into trying to have my tubal reversed or starting another adoption when a large fibroid was found in my uterus. After suffering with it for several months and enduring rapidly worsening symptoms, I had a hysterectomy.

 

Immediately it was like a faucet that shut off. I now felt totally.completely.done. I've continued to feel that way for two years. Not once have I felt the slightest urge. Now I do daydream about perhaps doing foster care and/or adoption with an older child at some point well in the future (more than 5 years out). I also look forward to the possibility of grandchildren someday. But I haven't thought about caring for an infant or toddler at all.

 

I also think having teenagers helps. My oldest two are now 16 and 15. Once they solidly hit the teen years I had a different perspective. I also realized how intense, though wonderful, those years can be. Not to mention how expensive.

[littlebug42]

When I realized that bashing my head against a brick wall would be preferable to being pregnant again. I hated every second of both pregnancies and never want to go there again. I also miscarried twice and have no desire to repeat that experience.

 

Truth be told, I like babies but really don't like toddlers and all babies eventually turn into toddlers. I have made a commitment to the kids I have and think I would do them a great disservice by trying to spread myself even thinner than I am now.

 

I love babies of friends and family and happily give them back at the end of the visit. I was not immediately OK with all of this but I am totally at peace with it now.

[PeacefulChaos]

were you immediately fine with the decision and never again questioned it? If you did regret the decision to be done, how long did it take to get over that, or did the desire for babies not ever go away?

 

I'm sure I am the type that will always want more babies, just because of how much I love babies and have always loved babies. So in that sense, I can't really relate to people who are completely done and never look back. I wish I could though, at this point, lol.

 

What is it like to move on with no more babies? Do you feel it has been positive or negative overall for your marriage, your life, etc? And why, if you don't mind sharing.

 

I just was. I knew I didn't want any more. I knew it before I even had #3 - that #3 would be it.

I also knew that I didn't want my kids too far apart, so I would have been fine with only 2 kids if it would have taken too long to get pregnant (I didn't want Astro to be 4 or over when we had the next sibling - that was my cutoff.)

I've never questioned it. It's right for us. I'm glad we made the decision! :)

I don't really love babies, so I LOVE the fact that all my kids are getting more independent. I think as they grow they just get to be more and more fun. :) DH likes babies, but overall he's like me, he enjoys them older more.

I don't really know why any of it would make a difference in our marriage, but we came into it knowing we wanted 2-3 kids. :)

[Mommy22alyns]

I initially wanted 2, so did DH.

 

Rebecca's pregnancy and delivery was textbook, no problem.

 

We conceived Sylvia just when we wanted to.

 

Her 20 week u/s threw us for a loop.

 

Complete placenta previa, plus some choroid plexus cysts.

 

The cysts resolved, the previa did not.

 

I had a severe bleed at 32 weeks, 1 day. Both of us nearly died. We didn't, and everyone kept her in place until 36 weeks, when she was delivered via planned C-section.

 

My doctor said I have a 25-30% chance of recurrence.

 

With 2 kids at home, no family, and homeschooling, no thanks.

 

Plus financial issues, one child in a very expensive and time-consuming athletic pursuit, the fact that any more kids would be so much younger than the girls (personal preference), I think we're done.

 

If I could go back and have another... I might have tried for another March baby a perfect 2 years apart. Oh well. My girls are the perfect pair and will content me forever.

[ereks mom]

We had always said we wanted only 2 or 3 children: if we had a boy & a girl right off the bat, we'd be done. If we had 2 boys or 2 girls, we would have one more in hopes of having whichever we didn't have. But 3 was our limit. As it turned out, we had a boy and then a girl and knew we were done.

[Mommy22alyns]

When I realized that bashing my head against a brick wall would be preferable to being pregnant again. I hated every second of both pregnancies and never want to go there again. I also miscarried twice and have no desire to repeat that experience.

 

Truth be told, I like babies but really don't like toddlers and all babies eventually turn into toddlers. I have made a commitment to the kids I have and think I would do them a great disservice by trying to spread myself even thinner than I am now.

 

I love babies of friends and family and happily give them back at the end of the visit. I was not immediately OK with all of this but I am totally at peace with it now.

 

 

:iagree: I should have read this before I posted - this is perfect for me too.

[KrissiK]

Foster care regulations decided for us. And my husband. We only have a 3 bedroom house and you can technically only have 2 kids per room. We've tried to find a bigger house, but there's nothing on the market and stuff in our neighborhood that does go up for sale is snatched up quickly . Now, we could have had an exception with foster care, since we were offered a sib of our girls, but Dh put his foot down and although I was heartbroken, I didn't protest too loudly. I'm 44 and a newborn, an 18 month old and then on up would have been too much, really.

[sewingmama]

I never really got to make the choice -my sub-fertile body made it for me :( I would have liked more babies but after 5 years trying for the 1st one -and then throwing out 3 close together (which was tough on my body being pregnant for almost 4 years straight) and then two miscarriages - we ran out of time.

 

I'm 38 and DH is 40. DH keeps asking to try for one more but I feel old and the M/C have rocked my confidence - that and the fact that it's been over a year of trying with no pregnancy.

 

I try to convince myself it's for the best - that we were lucky we even had 3 - and that there are benefits to having a smaller family.

 

Also I'm also worried about having a new baby at this time in my life - I'm worried about having a special needs baby (I am too old and tired to handle this) and I'm worried about having a baby and toddler around while homeschooling my others. As it is my kids are close enough in age that they havent bugged each other too much. The 3 year old can be annoying BUT he is able to join in more and more or occupy himself and my others are young enough that it doesn't matter if he interrupts their work -they are only in K after all. By the time they are old enough for it to matter to them my youngest will be in K himself and hopefully less annoying :D

 

Plus I've never liked the idea of being an older parent - DH has already been called our kids "grandfather" a few times already :lol:

 

Mostly I've made up my mind I am done BUT secretly if we got pregnant and didn't miscarry I would be happy about that blessing as well.

 

Right now it is up in the air for God to decide.

 

I am happy with the 3 I have though and try not to pine to much about what I didn't get.

Edited November 14, 2012 by sewingmama

[Scuff]

I always wanted 4 or 5. Dh agreed to 4 before we were married. (I grew up with a huge extended family, while his fits around a dinner table. We've already singlehandedly made this generation larger than the previous) After #3 was born, we were both a bit overwhelmed and *done*. But we didn't do anything permenent. When she was 2-3, I started wanting another. My first 3 are all 21 months apart. I was a bit sad when that cycle passed and there wouldn't be another 21 month gap. Dh really didn't want another. The kids got older, he wssn't changing his mind, and so I worked on being content and enjoying the new season of life. Than dh agreed to have another if I really wanted one more. I thought about for about a week, and concluded that even though I was content, I would probably alsays woder and regret not having another after waiting and prayig for so long. So we had #4. After she was born, I had a brief, sudden feeling that there would another girl. Then, as she grew out of babyhood, I thought about having another so that she would have a playmate and not be an only for the last half of her childhood. But I had no real desire for another. When I got pregnant with #5, I cried a little. I really hate being pregnant. And this time I threw up the whole 9 mos. but she is a sweet baby and we are enjoying our little surprise.

 

As much as I love it, I am a bit overshelmed. It's hard to school and train a toddler and take care of a baby. That is a lot to handle at once! Really, it's the toddler. I could handle school and a baby, but throw that toddler into the mix and it's a bit of chaos. School and two toddlers? Or three? Or teo and pregnancy? Ugh. There is a limit to how much I can do. I think if we weren't homeschooling, I could have a dozen. But we do homeschooling snd the olders' education is important. I've reached my limit and feel very done. Dh still hasn't made his appointment, so God can still circumvent my desires. (well, He aleays can. #5 was certainly a surprise.) but if he makes it tomorrow, I would be very ok with that.

[Danestress]

Physical, emotional, financial.

 

I adore babies. But those babies grow into little people who needs braces, college educations, car insurance, health care, and just space to live. They require parents with time and energy. For us, we just felt like we wanted to use the time, energy and money we had for the children already with us.

 

Energy wise, I probably could have handled one more baby, but I do think it might have been hard on my older dh. Financially, we felt we wouldn't afford college, violin lessons etc for a large family, and I am not saying what anyone else should or shouldn't do, but for us, we wanted to know we could afford to raise the kids we had the way we wanted before adding to our nest. As it is, college I more expensive then we even thought, and it will be a struggle to provide college for three.

 

 

The heart wants what the heart wants, and if either of us had badly wanted a 4th baby, we would have done it anyway, we both have had more joy from children than words can convey, so another child would have been welcomed and loved. But I guess we didn't want it badly enough to throw caution to the wind. Three kids felt right,

 

I have not had regrets yet, though I reserve the right. Our boys are such smart, fun, funny teens that I don't sharply feel the loss of little kids in the house,

Edited November 14, 2012 by Danestress