How did you decide you were DONE (having kids) and...

[Hoot]

I can't really pinpoint the moment when I knew I was done but there are MANY reasons why I now know that I don't want to have another child. There was a short period several years ago when I thought I might want to have a second. However, I soon realized that it wasn't that I really WANTED another baby of my own but that I wanted to try to fix all of the things I had done "wrong" the first time. Silly little things like the fact that I never got to breastfeed DS, only used cloth diapers from 3 months on, didn't make ALL of my own baby food and other things that really aren't the end of the world.

 

I've come to own the fact that, at this point I don't want more children for mostly selfish reasons. I met DH when I was 17 and in a rather abusive and tumultuous home life. We married when I was 19, I got pregnant right away, and had DS when I was 20. I love my son more than words, but I want to go to college and do some things for myself. I feel like going to college with a child at home would be irresponsible for me because I tend to be very singly focused. I would do well at one thing - parenting or school - not both. I just don't want to start over with another baby.

 

There's also the fact that, with limited financial resources, DH and I feel it is the responsible thing to do to only have the number of children that we can support through college. My husband is adamant that we pay for DS's college tuition 100% like his parents did for him instead of sending him out in the world with mounds of student debt right off the bat. That wouldn't be a possibility (without great hardship) with more than just one child.

 

DH and I are also polar opposites when it comes to parenting styles (and pretty much everything else in the universe ;-). Many things remind me a little too much of my childhood, and I sometimes feel like I'm playing the role of protector with DS. There has never been any physical abuse or anything of that sort. It's hard to explain the feeling if you haven't been there.

Edited November 12, 2012 by contessa20

[mytwomonkeys]

i was immediately fine with it. my husband too. i'm 41 & still don't ache for a baby. but honestly, i'm not a baby person. they make me incredibly nervous. i want grandchildren eventually .they will fill the bill.

[Pawz4me]

It was a bit of a . . . . discussion . . . for me to convince DH to have even one kid. And then he was the one who brought up the idea of the second one. But we both knew our limit was two. We knew we'd be in serious trouble if we let them outnumber us. :tongue_smilie: We've never ever regretted stopping at two.

[Ipsey]

Correlation does not equal causation. Women who are more educated tend to start having babies later in life, and in general IQ and years of education have a positive correlation. A high school dropout who starts having kids in her teens is far more likely to wind up with a large family than a woman with a graduate degree who doesn't become a mom until her 30's.

 

"Correlation does not equal causation"

 

OK, but the correlation you talk about has nothing to do with the Flynn Effect that the previous poster mentioned.

 

Yes, less educated people tend to have more children because they start younger, more educated tend to have fewer children because they start later--that doesn't change the concept of the Flynn Effect and IQ. In fact, the correlation is pretty clear.

 

Unless you're talking about some other correlation; you'll have to clarify.

 

As for me and our family size. I have a husband 12 years older than me. A hernia with every pregnancy and 3 c-sections. We knew it was time. It was sad. I love baby stage. But we don't have the money or emotional or financial resources to have any more.

Edited November 12, 2012 by Ipsey

[Hoot]

I don't even get a twinge when I see babies. Sure they're cute and adorable, but I really don't even have any desire to snuggle with them, let alone care for them full time. This reaffirms my decision, because I did get those feelings before and in between my two.

 

I love my children, but I'm really not much of a kid person. When I see other families with more children and babies all I think is "Thank God that's not me." So I guess you can say I am one who has never looked back after the decision was made.

 

I could have totally written this. I'm still trying to talk DH into getting "fixed." He doesn't want more kids either, but he's also apprehensive about getting the job done.

[Mommee & Baba]

I was 100% sure I was done after ds!! The pregnancy and the overall addtional cost since we had to buy everything over again since I swore I was done after dd#2! My dh was open to having more children after dd#2, but we wanted to wait a bit as she was our spirited child. Now that ds is 3.5 and getting into the swing of homeschooling, I'm finding myself kind of wanting another! I haven't told ANYONE! I'm so shocked that I felt this way!!! I gave things away, sold all the baby things, donated all my cloth diapers and yummy wool covers, and even sold all my baby print fabrics! I even got rid of my maternity clothes that were my all time favorite!

 

I went to the doctor office when ds was just a few months old and seeing other pregnant and others with brand new babies just made my body hurt. The thought of more was exhausting. I of course realize now that wasn't the best time to be thinking about having more! LOL!

 

My dh is 42, I'm 30. I'd be happy to bring up the topic of having another child. BUT we don't have a vehicle that would fit another child. So having another child would mean that we'd have to either get another vehicle or trade the one we have in. We can't afford another car payment and dh can't be driving a SUV or minivan 2 hours a day just to get him to work and home each day!!

 

So I'm pretty much gonna have to GET over it! And be glad I didn't tell a soul!

 

My dh made a comment the other day about having another one and I chuckled and said...oh honey you can't handle another....he replied...oh I'm not worried about me, you can't handle another one....and I got to thinking about that...I think he's exactly right! I'm so stretched thin as it is that adding another one would really throw me over the edge.

 

So all this went into my thought when I decided that I'd not mention wanting another one and instead just enjoy my friends who are filling houses with squishy cute babies!:001_smile: BUT I do pray. If it's meant to be, it'll be :)

[somo_chickenlady]

were you immediately fine with the decision and never again questioned it? If you did regret the decision to be done, how long did it take to get over that, or did the desire for babies not ever go away?

 

I'm sure I am the type that will always want more babies, just because of how much I love babies and have always loved babies. So in that sense, I can't really relate to people who are completely done and never look back. I wish I could though, at this point, lol.

 

What is it like to move on with no more babies? Do you feel it has been positive or negative overall for your marriage, your life, etc? And why, if you don't mind sharing.

 

I'm a bit different, but we tried for over 12 years to have a second child before we finally decided to stop recently. I will ALWAYS wish we had more children, but I wasn't able to. I will always regret that our son is an only child, but again I didn't have control over that. I wanted a large family, but it just wasn't in the plans for us. We just decided that since our son will be graduated from high school in 4.5 years, and we really don't want to start all over again at this point. Once DS goes to college and/or moves out, we will be free to travel and do other things we have had plans to do once we are child free, and if we have another child at this point it will be at least another 18-20 years before we are able to do that. It seems like a selfish choice, but in reality the choice was made for us. I likely would never be able to have another child, no matter how long we tried.

 

Our choice to stop helped our relationship A TON. We are much closer, and we enjoy each other a lot more. When I was obsessed for so many years with having another child, it really put a strain on our relationship that is no longer there.

[MeaganS]

We're not 100% sure but pretty much 98% sure. Hubby and I are both from large families, and we both assumed we'd have a largish family (4-6 kids). We're also LDS, and 3 children seems like a very small family to me. After our first was so difficult and will require much more energy than a normal child, we started thinking more like 4 max. Then we had our second. And now, with our third, we're both feeling rather complete. It doesn't help that I've had to have all three as c-sections and dh feels that it is getting more and more dangerous (although I'm cleared to have more if I want them).

 

I like this feeling. It does make me feel weird, though. I'm only 26 years old, and having always been under the assumption that I would have lots of kids it is sort of a paradigm shift to contemplate having only 3. I love having my three girls, but I don't like how I feel when I'm pregnant and post-partum. I'm just not myself. I love my babies, but I have no desire for them to be babies again. I love the fact that my youngest will turn 18 when I'm in my mid-40s.

 

When my first two were around 6 months old, I'd start feeling like it was time to start thinking about getting pregnant again. I'd start researching and get excited, etc. This time, the idea of getting pregnant again makes me sick to my stomach. And really, I feel like 3 is about how many I can have and still be the kind of mother that I want to be. Any more and I'd be fairly frazzled. Even three is pushing it for me, but I would do it again.

[FaithManor]

I had life threatening complications with baby #3. He did arrive safely though I just barely came through the delivery. My health really tanked from that and we were warned that it would be very, very dangerous for me to become pregnant again.

 

Despite two forms of birth control and an awful lot of NFP on top of that (according to the chart, temp, everything I was NOT anywhere near a fertility window), I became pregnant with ds#4. The planets aligned (as my cousin says) or God intervened, but there we were.

 

That pregnancy was a nightmare for dh. It was a blur for me. At week 28, I was told there was only a slim chance that I'd make it and that if ds needed to be delivered by c-section, I'd bleed out faster than they would be able to replace the blood loss. I signed paperwork indicating that I wanted them to save the baby at all costs and ended up writing goodbye letters to dh and the children.

 

Miraculously, two weeks before my due date, my blood started clotting again, my bone marrow started acting like bone marrow again, and my liver decided that it would pretend that nothing had ever happened! So, we have a darling boy we never thought we'd have and I've been around to have the joy of raising him. Dh was in no mood to risk anything and scheduled his surgery without any discussion. It was a no-debate topic for him.

 

A few years later, we tried to adopt two little girls from a Nicaraguan orphanage. National elections came and the new president was no fan of the U.S. Without explanation, our adoption was disrupted. We ended our attempts at expanding our family at that time.

 

I am very, very grateful to be here and raising my sons. I've never resented dh for the decision he made. It's only been in the past couple of years that he's even been able to talk about "that hideous year" without grabbing on to me and crying. I would never want to put him through that again.

 

Faith

[Maus]

My parents had eight kids and simply "knew" they were done with the last one. It was just a sense of oh, we're all here now. I have the same sense when I think about having another baby.

:iagree: This.

 

We sort of felt done after #2. We had one boy and one girl, and I was 38 when the second was born (almost 39). But, for some reason, even though I got rid of most of the baby clothes, etc., I couldn't bring myself to get rid of the crib. DH was thinking financially, so he was more sure we were done.

 

But four years later, we were both suddenly convinced there was one more we were meant to have. We conceived on the first try, and she was born on my 44th birthday.

 

Now we both feel done in a much more permanent way. We haven't done anything permanent, because of our experience after the first two, but we "know" this time that we are done.

[Scarlett]

I am very, very grateful to be here and raising my sons. I've never resented dh for the decision he made. It's only been in the past couple of years that he's even been able to talk about "that hideous year" without grabbing on to me and crying. I would never want to put him through that again.

 

Faith

 

:grouphug:

[Elizabeth in MN]

Uhm, well I turned 40. Really, I have no business having another baby because of all my medications but turning 40 really underlined it for me.

[Crimson Wife]

"Correlation does not equal causation"

 

OK, but the correlation you talk about has nothing to do with the Flynn Effect that the previous poster mentioned.

 

Yes, less educated people tend to have more children because they start younger, more educated tend to have fewer children because they start later--that doesn't change the concept of the Flynn Effect and IQ. In fact, the correlation is pretty clear.

 

Unless you're talking about some other correlation; you'll have to clarify.

 

I was refuting the claim that IQ causes smaller family size directly (e.g. smart people don't have a lot of kids). It isn't about IQ per se but rather that the longer a woman stays in school, the later she will tend to start having kids. In a society where few women go beyond primary school, there will presumably be a much weaker link between IQ and family size.

[elegantlion]

Toward the end of my pregnancy, I knew I would never have another. I was a horrid pregnant person, I was miserable and ill for a lot of the time. I had complications from a previous surgery which left me in labor for almost 3 days, then with a full anesthesia c-section with a lovely surgery after ds was born. The doctor suggested it would not be a good idea for my body to have more children, I agreed. Dh agreed.

 

We contemplated adoption once, but after letting it lie for a few years with no hard emotions one way or the other we decided our family size was right for us.

[texasmama]

were you immediately fine with the decision and never again questioned it? If you did regret the decision to be done, how long did it take to get over that, or did the desire for babies not ever go away?

 

I'm sure I am the type that will always want more babies, just because of how much I love babies and have always loved babies. So in that sense, I can't really relate to people who are completely done and never look back. I wish I could though, at this point, lol.

 

What is it like to move on with no more babies? Do you feel it has been positive or negative overall for your marriage, your life, etc? And why, if you don't mind sharing.

 

I was done after we had our fourth baby, I was almost 39, had hard pgs, my mother was dying and I knew I didn't have it in me to have another child. Baby #4 was a very welcome surprise, but I knew I couldnt handle another.

 

I never particularly enjoyed the baby and toddler stage. The thing I miss most (and still do) is nursing.

 

Moving on from the childbearing stage has been very good for me, my marriage and my family. My dh had a V, so it was very permanent for us. However, that was the end of HIS childbearing. Theoretically, I could still conceive and carry a pregnancy. The end of my birthing years came when I had a uterine ablation this past April. Even though I am 45 and knew I was done having babies, I was a bit unexpectedly sad. I think that choosing a permanent end to your "birth years" can be a bit sad.

 

I would not change it, though. I think I would be a bit sad no matter what. My body carried and birthed and nursed babies quite marvelously. :001_smile:

[MamaT]

I am very small, and after my third c-section (which was supposed to be a Vbac), and 3 miscarriages, my OB said I was probably done having babies. We adopted girl #1, and immediately got in line for girl #2. Right in between those adopted girls, I up and had boy #4. :001_smile: So my last three are all within 28 months of each other, and I knew I was DONE! I was 36, and very tired.

[GSOchristie]

We were pretty sure we were done after Jax, then surprise, two days after we decided to schedule the vasectomy, I found out I was pregnant with Sweet P. like pp said, I am not a jolly pregnant person, I am miserable. The thought of being pregnant again makes me break into a cold sweat. I sold all of my baby stuff, and I am completely okay with being done. I have never second guessed the decision, three kids is the perfect number for us.

[Lisa R.]

I think that wanting more children and being addicted to the baby phase are two completely different things. It can be disastrous if you don't sort that out.

 

 

:iagree:

[texasmama]

Oh, and please add me to the sick, fat, swollen, tired, mean pregnant lady list.

[JenC3]

Um I think I knew right before I got pg with this one. I thought we'd "missed the mark." I thought I'd clear my desire by "trying" one more time. Then when I ended up pg, I thought I'd miscarry. Tomorrow I start my 18th week, guess I'm having number 4. I'm so done. I'll be 2 mnths into 40 and I don't feel great at all. I didn't realize I was content with my 3. It will all be fine, once I know everything is ok with the baby.

[Runningmom80]

When I saw two yolk sacs on the ultrasound screen at 5 weeks. :) dh got the big V a few months ago, and I have zero regrets. We feel like our family is exactly as it should be. :001_smile:

[annandatje]

Reasons we knew we were finished having children:

 

Limited finances: Although we were under no legal obligation to do so, we wanted to pay for our children's vocational training or state college, so that they did not have debt upon completing education. We also wanted to provide them with a hooptie for transportation.

 

I did not want more children than I thought I could support if I were widowed or divorced. Babies were cheap with nursing, cloth diapers and hand-me-down clothes. However, I wished to provide a few luxuries such as extracurricular activities in addition to needs of growing child.

 

Limited time: Our last was a special needs child. Without going into detail, child slept no more than 5-6 hours per day by age one. I could not meet needs of future child due to time I needed to devote to this child. However, I recognize that many families go on to have more children after a special needs child; the limitations were and are my own. This particular child's needs were the reason that we decided to forego bearing the one more child we had originally planned.

 

Medical issues: I suffered from severe hyperemesis gravidarum during each pregnancy. Weight loss, broken blood vessels in stomach lining, broken rib, sore muscles, subconjunctival hemorrhage, and acid-singed throat from repeated vomiting.

 

To clarify, I was never especially drawn toward infants or to being pregnant. They payoff was the toddler years and beyond. I have had no regrets about stopping when we did.

[Donna]

We decided we were done at about 30 weeks gestation with my dd. I had been on bedrest for a week already and had another 6 weeks to go. My pregnancy with my middle ds also had me on bedrest for 5 weeks and I had had her oldest brother early. I thought it was God's way of showing me that maybe my body wasn't made to carry any more babies. Also, our family felt complete.

 

My husband made his appointment and we were done. I have never felt the need to have another baby. (I work with babies so I get my baby fix at work and give them back for feeding and diaper changes.)

[Remudamom]

I just never got pregnant again after the triplets and believe me, I was ready. Five was a good number.

[MrsJewelsRae]

I will never feel done. We had trouble getting pregnant each time, did fertility treatments, years of ttc, we wanted a big family. We have 3, we want more. The RE told me last week, after several months of treatments, that we've reached the end of the road and it's likely not going to happen. :crying: I'm 32, my youngest is turning 4 next week- my last baby growing up so fast and it hurts, I always thought if have like 7-10 kids.

[TheAutumnOak]

I have three boys and I just feel like we are done...My oldest is 12, youngest is 6, and I can't imagine starting over at this point...We have done nothing permanent, but I just don't feel like I will have another child...Finances are very tight now too, so it doesn't make sense to us to have another...

 

I agree with a previous poster who said I feel like everyone is here now :001_smile:

[5LittleMonkeys]

The big reason we decided we were done was medical issues for me and the baby. I was sick almost the entire time, had a tilted uterus and a placental previa that caused me to have to become extremely imobile. Not bed rest but very close to it. When baby was finally born she ended up in NICU for 10 days due to lung issues. All of that was minor compared to what others have gone through, but it was enough for us to say we didn't want to go through it again.

 

Another reason was finances. We knew that the more dc we had the less likely I was able to bring in extra income if we ever had to have it. We also wanted to be able to maintain a certain lifestyle for our dc. Children are amazing and I feel blessed to have them, but I feel it's my responsibility to only have as many as I can financially support without having to rely on help from the government, charitable organizations, friends, or family. ( barring unforeseen circumstances )

 

I also knew that the older I was getting, the less patience I had. I didn't want to end up being a frazzled, cranky, short tempered mom. Also, the more kids we had the less time we had for each of them. I did way more and feel I was a much calmer, more fun, patient mom when I only had my first two.

 

So, those are the big reasons. The last two reasons were actually on our minds before we got pg with the last one, she just tipped the scales. By the time I was halfway through the pregnancy I had made up my mind that I was done. I had no lingering feelings of wanting more and still don't. In fact, I think babies are cute and love looking at them, but I don't even want to hold others babies...I am just so, so done. Did you happen to see my recent thread about my youngest finally being out of diapers? I am ecstatic! Yes, I am done. :D

[IsabelC]

It was my partner's choice. He told me before we even got married that he would not agree to any more than 3 children. Since he wanted 2 or 3 and I wanted 3 or 4, we agreed on 3. So I knew all along. But still, I would have gone ahead and had a 4th if I could have got him to consent.

 

In my experience moving from being a mother with babies to a mother with no babies was like any other life change. There's grieving for what is gone, but at the same time it's fun to be moving forward though another interesting phase. There are pros and cons, and it takes some getting used to. But one day I realized I'm actually OK with it now.

[Snow]

I had to make this decision with both my head and my heart. It's so easy for me to say babies are the best and I want more of them and, in this way, use only my heart. But I have to use my head also, i have to remind myself of my limits. This is not just about me wanting more babies, because i would, but it's also about knowing how much more of myself is left to give to the little cuties. I'm doing them no favors by having more kids, only to be irritable and negative around them. So, knowing my limits - two kids it is. I know that I'm done, but I don't always feel done. Dh otoh is definitely done :)

[mommymilkies]

I'd never be done.

 

DH is 10000% done.

 

That's how we decided.

 

...

Dh once told me I could have 10 kids and would still want more. He was right.

:iagree: with the above except it has strained our marriage and i have 5. I didn't get to decide. The decision was made for me. I am not happy about it. But there's nothing I can do about it.

[AKshanmar]

Our 4 are fairly close together... so I was pretty overwhelmed when expecting #4. And we both agreed she would be the last one. I was not a good pregnant person, I threw up EVERYDAY, had anemia, and usually went on bed rest at the end. That does not make for a very useful mommy. The stress was pretty evident. But I think we made the right choice. I never really had baby fever after that.

 

I'm not sure if that is useful, but... that's how it worked for us.

[ktgrok]

I'm mostly sure we are done. I always wanted a much bigger family, but with a 10 year age gap between the first and the second that just wasn't happening. We have 3 now, and that works for us. I don't feel anyone is missing, like i did after my daughter was born. But, I don't feel comfortable saying I am done, as I never thought I would be someone that was done. So I'm getting an IUD tomorrow, but won't do anything permanent in case I change my mind. And part of me does want another, mainly because this last baby is SOOOOOOOOOO easy and sweet and cuddly. If all had been like him I'd have 20! But my oldest gets shortchanged because I can't do things with him because of the littles, in regards to school/field trips/etc. I can't see adding to that. It wouldn't be fair to him. But, he may go to public school for highschool, so who knows. I think we are done. The house won't hold another one (small house), it would make travel harder, etc etc. But those are not the reasons, they are just the things i tell myself to remind myself of the benefits of being done. The reason is i just don't feel the draw to have another one.

[stm4him]

From the time I was probably 4 I have always wanted a large family and known that was what was in store for me. I now believe that was a God-given desire. I have always felt that I would never want to be done until I couldn't have anymore because I love babies so much (and toddlers too) and it is a core conviction for me and my husband to let God plan our family size. My babies have always been sweet, pregnancies not too bad, but horrible deliveries for 4 out of the 6 I have.

 

After number 6 I have not had the same desire to keep going, but at the same time I would never have agreed to be done unless I agreed it was medically necessary. I just felt content on a level I hadn't before and not as anxious to go into another pregnancy, probably much of which was due to the fact that I had gestational diabetes last time and thought I'd have to be on a special diet for the whole next pregnancy. I have also struggled with energy for years because I have hypothyroidism, so I often felt overwhelmed and maxed out and refuse to change our rigorous academic aspirations for our kids.

 

We had more space between these two than I had ever had before and I was beginning to feel more myself and have more energy. I was getting up at 5, going to bed at 11 and accomplishing the majority of my goals the majority of days and felt so good! But then I got pregnant and I was discouraged because even though I LOVE all babies I just knew it would be a set back in other things. And then I found out I'd lost the twin of this baby and realized that that "thing" that came out with my last pregnancy was a twin of my 6th and now I am grateful to be having this one. I really kinda wanted a boy because we've had 3 girls in a row but this is another girl so in a way that reduces my desire to have another because I'd want to have another boy if I had one boy but at the same time I think I'll still want another to have an even number, even if that would be through adoption.

 

My second child was diagnosed with leukemia a few months ago and I don't know how we're going to get through this pregnancy and delivery. He has 3 years of treatment and I can't imagine having another during that time, though I usually have them about 1 1/2-2 years apart. My placenta is still over my scar which could mean placenta accreta and a hysterectomy. In a way I'd rather my pregnancies end that way because at least I would be at peace that it wasn't my decision. But I KNOW that no matter when or how my childbearing years stop I will ALWAYS wish I could have another sweet baby in my arms. I just don't want to do the pregnancy and delivery and have the energy issues that come with it. I think God was tapering my desire to prepare me to face this cancer with my son and a possible hysterectomy if this does turn out to be placenta accreta.

 

So at this point I am waiting to see what will happen. I recently asked my husband if he felt "done" and he said no and that he thinks we'll have several more. So God isn't leading him that way right now and no matter what I would never agree to do anything permanent unless it was an absolute necessity medically. He is optimistic about my son's complete healing and that I will not have gestational diabetes or placenta accreta, etc. So maybe I'm just in a funk because of cancer and will come out of in a few years ready to have more! I had always envisioned being pregnant at the same time as my oldest who I had when I was 20....But God may have other plans for us!

[Stayseeliz]

After my second extremely hard pregnancy (two easy pregnancies before that) I knew I needed to stop having babies. My body couldn't handle anymore. I thought I was done at 3 and I grieved not having more babies for a long, long time. So when we had our surprise 4th it just seemed like a bonus and it wasn't too sad to be done at that point. I knew my body was worn out. We do hope to adopt when our older two get a bit older. B

[DianeW88]

I've never looked back. It was exactly the right decision at the right time. I am loving growing with my children - having great conversations with my teens, not interrupted by little ones.

 

Laura

 

:iagree: I enjoy my older kids now SO much more than I did when they were little. I enjoyed them when they were young as well, but I have no desire to have any more. I wanted to give my kids the time, attention and resources needed to help them develop their God given talents. I wanted to be able to give them college educations without burdening them with huge student loans. I wanted us to be able to take vacations every year. I wanted to be able to afford to pay for lots of extracurricular activities. If I had more children, that wouldn't be possible. I've also seen homeschooling moms struggle trying to homeschool older kids with babies, toddlers and preschoolers constantly interrupting and demanding attention. I honestly think the older kids will suffer in their schoolwork if the mom doesn't have a grip on that.

 

And last but not least, I didn't think it was fair to the children I already had to leave them with a tired, frazzled, burnt out, stressed out, financially burdened mother just because I wanted more kids. I felt I owed something to my already existing children and the commitments I made to them to raise them to the best of my ability and give them the best life...physically, spiritually, emotionally and financially...that my dh and I could.

 

Not to mention, I seriously enjoy sleeping through the night, not having to carry half the world with me in a diaper bag, a car seat free vehicle, not having to buy diapers, not worrying about child proof anything, and a house that stays clean. In fact...I love it. I do not want another baby. And I want another toddler even less.

Edited November 13, 2012 by DianeW88

[Mom-ninja.]

I'd never be done.

 

DH is 10000% done.

 

That's how we decided.

 

It doesn't negatively affect our marriage. I begged for a 4th, and he was kind enough to be be thrilled with the result. I loved him all the more for agreeing to that child, even when his brain was screaming, "We can't afford to put 4 kids through college!"

 

Dh once told me I could have 10 kids and would still want more. He was right.

 

This is me and my dh except I only got 3 babies before he called it quits. My youngest is about to turn 4 and I really wish I had a baby.

[Aelwydd]

That's interesting. Both of my parents have IQs above 140 and although I've never had my IQ tested, I assume it's decently high. I also got straight As all throughout high school, had no problem getting into college on a scholarship, etc. And I obviously have more than a couple kids, lol.

 

The most recent article on the subject I read showed the inverse relationship to be in the children, not the parents. The researchers speculated that the difference in IQ points may be attributable to a combination of factors, including more "thinly" spread out resources such as parental time and attention, the decreasing affordability of university education with each child, and interestingly enough, the effects of a maternal parent who is frequently "down" recovering from pregnancy, childbirth, and caring for a newborn. I'll see if I can find the study if you're curious.

 

As for the question of being done, it's not based on a feeling. It's a choice that I make based on physical, fiscal, and other limitations. I can give you three reasons. And then give you three more reasons. And then three more... ;)

 

1. No more pregnancy related puking, stretch lines, back pain, heart burn, etc.

2. No more labors.

3. Sleep.

 

That's the first group. :D

 

4.I'll be a "young" mother still when my ds graduates.

5. College education is doable with one. It's more unlikely with two.

6. We can afford to feed him. :lol: (Child eats more than I do now and he's not even 10!)

 

I won't bore you with the rest!

Edited November 13, 2012 by Aelwydd

[FO4UR]

We are about to welcome our 4th in December.

 

I am 99% sure that we are done. I haven't really decided yet, but I will likely get an IUD put in after the birth. I don't like the permanency of permanent, but I don't want another pregnancy in the near future either. I want to spoil this baby girl rotten and enjoy every moment with all 4 of my dc.

 

I am also the fat, achy, whining pregnant lady. Very much so - right now. Yesterday, I stood for too long, did too much physically, etc. Today, I can hardly walk. I let a lot of things go today for the sake of hoping to not be hurting so bad tomorrow.

[Amber in SJ]

I had terrible PPD after baby #4 (also after baby #2.) After that Dh said no more. I have dreadful pregnancies with bed rest and preterm labor and I just but I never felt done. I was sad that my last infant experience was marred by PPD.

 

I still don't feel done, but I know I need to focus on the babies I have.

 

Luckily, I have a great community of ladies who are still having babies and I can always steal a cuddle from a baby at park day, or at church. My oldest is 18, so I have a few years before being the grandma.

 

Amber in SJ

[I.Dup.]

Thank you all for sharing your own personal reasons. It's so interesting to see how each family comes to this decision differently. Certainly what is good for one family isn't good for another, etc. There are definitely drawbacks to having a large family, it is certainly more trying on me as the mom. We sacrifice certain things that we wouldn't have to if our family was smaller. I do struggle to give everyone 100% of me. There is definitely a certain readjusting of priorities, but I'm not sure that is all bad.

 

We are Catholic as well. It's so, so hard to look at this from an eternal vs. temporal standpoint. Thanks again.

[thebacabunch]

I knew I was done while pregnant with my last. I prayed and cried, cried and prayed that I could be done. I had 3 horrible pregnancies with bedrest, I was getting older, and I was tired.

 

I tried to have more when I was a bit younger but it just never happened. I am beyond content now with my 3. I never get baby fever. In fact when I am around pregnant ladies I feel anxious (like it's contageous or something:tongue_smilie:). When you are done you know it. I am almost 40 and the thought of having anymore gives me a cold chill.

[Tap]

After dd14 was born, I never had the desire to have another child.

 

 

Had we known from the beginning that we were going to become dd5s permanent parents, we never would have got involved in her care. We thought we would have her for a couple months, maybe a year. We didn't even know she existed until she was born (she is my great niece), and hadn't met her when we were asked to become her foster parents. we only got involved because it was a 'family takes care of family' situation and we didn't want her to go to traditional foster care. Can't imagine life without her now :D, but back then we would have passed on raising another child.

[mazakaal]

I decided I was done having babies after my fourth miscarriage after my youngest child was born. I just knew I couldn't go through that again. I've always thought that I'd like to adopt, so deciding not to have any more babies of my own wasn't really deciding to never have any more children. That was about 5 years ago, and I haven't regretted it at all so far.

[Aelwydd]

Thank you all for sharing your own personal reasons. It's so interesting to see how each family comes to this decision differently. Certainly what is good for one family isn't good for another, etc. There are definitely drawbacks to having a large family, it is certainly more trying on me as the mom. We sacrifice certain things that we wouldn't have to if our family was smaller. I do struggle to give everyone 100% of me. There is definitely a certain readjusting of priorities, but I'm not sure that is all bad.

 

We are Catholic as well. It's so, so hard to look at this from an eternal vs. temporal standpoint. Thanks again.

 

There are drawbacks, but I'm positive that the relationships you have with your kids outweigh them by far. I meant to add to my post that whatever the studies are regarding IQs, that would never been a serious factor in whether or not I had more kids.

 

First of all, because the difference in points is hardly substantial in the studies I've seen. Secondly, because a higher IQ is not a guarantee of a well-lived, fulfilling life. I have a friend who has a very high IQ, but I don't envy her her life at all, for a number of reasons.

 

I sometimes wish I had the courage, patience, physical strength, and faith to take that jump and have more children. But a number of things hold me back, so my situation is unlikely to change. I'm sure there are some consequences of that choice I will appreciate and enjoy, and others I will regret and be wistful about. I don't believe there are any 100% happy decisions, because everything has a price. You just choose what price you are willing to pay and when.

 

Anyway, whatever you sacrifice by having more children, I do think that you are making an investment - in the human spirit. I bet holidays are a blast at your home, with games and laughing and some amazing memories. I don't know what to tell you about how to determine a stopping point, because we each come at that question with different criteria, resources, backgrounds, etc.

 

I'll just say that whatever you decide, I think your kids are lucky to have you for their mama. :grouphug:

[vettechmomof2]

did not have a choice really. Body would not allow any more children to be had and we cannot afford adoption at this stage in our lives.

[Mommie_Jen]

Both of our kids are ours through adoption. DH was fine with 1, but I was adamant that DS1 not be an only. The day we walked out of the hospital with DS2, I knew we were done adopting kids. He's 3 and I still feel the same way. Like others have mentioned, I'm not necessarily a baby person. They are cute, but I will gladly love on your baby then hand them back. We've hit the stage where we are diaper free and stroller/baby carrier free. I have kids, not babies. And we love it!

 

I really truly feel that I couldn't be a good mom to more kids. Mine are both complete handfuls in their own ways. Neither is easy to parent, and I get overwhelmed easily. We are done.

[SKL]

Something about being over 40 and a single mom did it for me. ;)

 

Even if I got married and could be guaranteed a low-risk pregnancy, I don't think I'd do it. I don't ever want my daughters (who were adopted) to feel like second best.

[Night Elf]

DH made the decision because of his age and energy. He is 11 years older than me and I do understand his point of view. However, it took me 10 years to find some peace about it, but I honestly think I'll always think about it. I don't want a baby at my age, but I do regret not having at least one more. Learning to not be mad at him was a challenge but I stopped after a few years when I realized he was completely serious and wouldn't even consider adopting. I had to become a big girl and put on my big girl pants.

[TheReader]

For me it was a multi-step process. DH had said almost all along that 3 was it, so when I was pregnant with the 3rd I kind of knew although at that point I still held out hope he'd change his mind (especially because we never did have a girl). So, step one for me was having a husband who was decidedly done before I was.

 

After #3, I got an IUD so we didn't really have to think about b/c, but it gave me time to really accept that we were done. I did already at that point feel very strongly/totally agree that I would not personally give birth to any more children --- three kids and all three premature to the point of needing NICU after birth for a time, and no known reason thus no way to really address that. We'd been pretty lucky in regards to the NICU stays, difficulties, delays, etc. and just felt it would be very bad stewardship of our future child's health to risk it again. Or rather, I guess we felt it would be gambling our child's life/health to be pregnant again, and we just were not willing to do so. With the kind of premature deliveries I have, with no reason, nothing I can do to prevent it, and nothing they can do to stop my body once it starts, it just really is unwise, for us. So, that was step two for me, and the IUD was a way to let my emotions about things catch up to my logical side.

 

By the time it was time to replace or remove the IUD I was fully on-board with the idea of no more kids at all, not just logically but emotionally too. The boys were all older, and it was nice to not have diapers, not have a stroller or a child that needed to be carried everywhere, not have to temper "can we do this" with "will it be possible with a baby/toddler?" and so forth and so on. We like this new stage of kids all old enough to potty by themselves, etc. The oldest is old enough, and now the youngest self-sufficient enough as well, that we can leave them all home for a while (not leave the 7 yr old alone, but leave him in the care of the 15 yr old) and go do stuff. If there was another younger sibling below the 7 yr old, it would be too much.

 

Throw in that we live in Brazil and it's hard enough finding a car that comfortably fits the 5 of us + our dog on the weekends, let alone anything big enough for more than 3 kids, and then hotels, etc.; there's a bit of a threshold at 3 kids vs. more than 3 kids that society/car makers/hotel rules/restaurant tables/etc. means anything over 3 is a lot harder to work around. Impossible? No. Not worth the hassle? No, I'm sure if we had more than 3 it would be well worth the hassle. But combined with our other reasons for stopping at three, it just makes sense.

 

Overall it's been positive and now when DH jokes about a baby sister, or another kid or whatever, I laugh instead of cry inside because I wish he was serious. Still, it took all the time from #2 to #3 and then the whole 5+ yrs after #3 before I was emotionally on the same page as logically about the issue. Definitely not a decision to be made lightly.

[Mommee & Baba]

DH made the decision because of his age and energy. He is 11 years older than me and I do understand his point of view. However, it took me 10 years to find some peace about it, but I honestly think I'll always think about it. I don't want a baby at my age, but I do regret not having at least one more. Learning to not be mad at him was a challenge but I stopped after a few years when I realized he was completely serious and wouldn't even consider adopting. I had to become a big girl and put on my big girl pants.

 

This is another factor for our household too. My dh is 12 years older than me and comments occasionally how we cut it close with our last one as he was turning 40 shortly after he was born. He's now 42 and worries that he'll pass away before he can watch his childrens' children grow up.