Help--I crushed someone's spirit today (writer)

[sbgrace]

I really messed something up.

 

I have a very close friend who shared some writings with me. She told me I was the first person to read them and she was going to then share with a wider audience. These were journal writings of spiritual matters. This person is an INFJ personality if anyone knows anything of that type.

 

Ok, well some of the thoughts she had are really worth sharing. Over-all, the writing needs some editing. I mean some of the even very good thoughts could be expressed more succinctly. There are parts where the reader needs some more background information. Some of it is personal things that really don't, I don't think, have a wider audience appeal. Some of it is just not clear.

 

Beyond that a bit of it comes across a little bit "holier than thou" instructive and I know her person and heart. That's not her at all nor was it her intention. I know what she means. But I know it reads differently at parts.

 

Anyway, I'm given this privilege to read her heart first. Then she wanted to know what I thought. I started with did she want feedback or was she planning on sharing just as she wrote it. She wanted it just as she wrote it. Like a clod I went on in and tried to ask her about what points she really wanted to make, pointed out how it might come across even though it wasn't meant that way, etc. I tried to be gentle. I hurt her deeply. She ended the conversation with that she just wouldn't share it with anyone else.

 

Help me. I feel so horrible. I really just wanted her writing to be received well by others. I wanted to protect her heart and I wounded it deeply instead.

 

I guess I should have just smiled and let her give it other people? What can I do now?

Edited November 9, 2012 by sbgrace

[Catwoman]

Ultimately, you did the right thing. You saved her from potential embarrassment by pointing out some of the weak points in her writing.

 

I know you feel badly about it, but your heart was in the right place and I'm sure you were as kind as possible about it.

 

Please don't beat yourself up. You said what she needed to hear, even if it wasn't what she wanted to hear. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Give her a call or send her an email, and apologize for hurting her feelings. Remind her that you were only trying to help her, and that you truly meant well.

 

But do it tomorrow, after she has had a chance to calm down a bit.

[Liz CA]

Spiritual topics are very difficult and very individual since we all have different experiences, are being taught different things at different times in our lives.

You could tell her this and say that you tend to worry about sharing details with others but she may not worried about it.

This is a decision she has to make regardless of her quality of writing.

 

I think of Ann Voskamp's unique writing style. One has to get used to it, and yes, some things come from her unique perspective and experiences as a child.

Perhaps you could tell that you thought about it at length and now understand that she necessarily has a different vantage point than you, that you did not mean to crush her just point out where potential misunderstandings could occur with a reader who is not familiar with the background.

Perhaps not touch on the part where her "writing could be more expressive or succinct."

Hope it will all blow over. :001_smile:

Edited November 9, 2012 by Liz CA

[Pippen]

Oh, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Since I could see myself totally doing this...

 

I would follow up by apologizing profusely and confess that one of my burdens is being a compulsive editor that envisions how words in a finished product. Then I would tell her that as always I would love her to continue sharing her heart with me in the future.

 

Then I'd probably be waiting awhile for her to forgive me. :glare:

[Guest submarines]

:grouphug: You haven't done anything wrong. If she's indeed serious about sharing her writing with others, she will be grateful to you, after her initial reaction subsides. She will realise that you were critical of her writing, not of her heart or her thoughts.

 

I never agree to read, never mind to edit, my friends' writing, unless these friends have been writing for a while and want to improve as writers. Even then, the beginning is often hard for everyone. There are plenty of on-line writing workshops that one can join to receive feedback.

 

If she's a close friend, she will understand that you meant well. I'm sorry she put you in this situation.

[SKL]

She shared it with you first because she was not brave enough to share it with others unreviewed. She was protecting herself and, in my opinion, asking you to help protect her heart. I think what you did was in line with what she wanted and needed. Sure, maybe there were better ways to say some of it, but ultimately you gave her the feedback she asked for: you let her know that it wasn't ready to be shared if she wasn't ready to get honest feedback from a wider audience.

 

I agree with waiting a day and then trying to rephrase some of the really important parts of your feedback. Make sure you are helping her to express "her" self and not trying to make it sound more like something "you" would publish. Leave her style etc. alone but encourage her to do more of what works well etc. Maybe suggest that she lead with her strongest card and see how that goes. Then let her make her own decision.

 

I'm impressed that she had enough courage to go as far as she did. I am an INTJ and I have notebooks of stuff that I thought I'd publish someday. I can't even get up the courage to let my best friend read it. :tongue_smilie: It's not even a dream I continue to nurture any more. So, more power to her!

[elegantlion]

It took me years to let anyone read my writing, and it's not spiritual stuff, it's fiction. I'm an INFP, and I take everything personally too. It took me finding someone I trust, who would be bluntly honest, and that I trusted, did I mention trust.

 

If your friend trusts you, then she'll come around. If she's not up to being critiqued, then she's not ready to be published. Random stranger comments won't be as supportive if they disagree, ya know.

 

I've read a lot of christian published non-fiction, and some youth fiction. I'll be honest, some of it needed better editing, lots of editing in some cases. I've sometimes wondered if the christian market specifically is too "nice" and encouraging and leans towards not being as blunt as necessary.

 

IMO there are two sides to being a writer. One is the creative part, which is fun and mostly encouraging. The other is the production side, the editing, the trying to get published, etc. That part is plain hard work. You have to use a different mentality to do that.

[PrincessMommy]

It took me years to let anyone read my writing, and it's not spiritual stuff, it's fiction. I'm an INFP, and I take everything personally too. It took me finding someone I trust, who would be bluntly honest, and that I trusted, did I mention trust.

 

If your friend trusts you, then she'll come around. If she's not up to being critiqued, then she's not ready to be published. Random stranger comments won't be as supportive if they disagree, ya know.

 

I've read a lot of christian published non-fiction, and some youth fiction. I'll be honest, some of it needed better editing, lots of editing in some cases. I've sometimes wondered if the christian market specifically is too "nice" and encouraging and leans towards not being as blunt as necessary.

 

IMO there are two sides to being a writer. One is the creative part, which is fun and mostly encouraging. The other is the production side, the editing, the trying to get published, etc. That part is plain hard work. You have to use a different mentality to do that.

 

That... can't say it any better. Not everyone will try to be kind and not hurt her feelings.... KWIM? You did the right thing.

[Desert Rat]

Ugh. I know just how you feel. A coworker of mine many years ago asked me to read his short story. I had finished an English degree a few years earlier and was young enough to think I was incredibly smart. Anyway, I read his story and told him, "I really liked the story idea but some of your wording was trite." Yes, I used the word trite. Ugh. I cringed the second it came out of my mouth and I told him that it really was very good. Damage done. It didn't help that he was one of three people out of hundreds in this office my age and I was really trying to get in with him and the other girl. That never happened either. They barely spoke to me again.

I don't know if he ever did publish. Maybe I saved him some time like a PP said that if he couldn't take criticism, he wasn't ready to be published.

I do know I still feel like a cad to this day. Ugh.

[thebacabunch]

I don't critique for family or friends. Period.

 

I will read their stuff and find things I like. I leave editing and critiquing to those who are paid to do so. I am just a cheerleader.

[Nakia]

I don't think you should beat yourself up. You obviously care deeply for this friend.

 

Maybe give it some time and then arrange a coffee date or something just to talk it out.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Marylou]

Wounds from a sincere friend

are better than many kisses from an enemy. Prov. 27:6

[justamouse]

If she's going to be serious about writing, she's got to pull up her panties and deal with a crit. Thems the bricks. I'm an INFJ, too, and it's not an excuse to not hone your craft.

[Laurie4b]

Was she intending on publishing or just sharing with other friends? That makes a big difference.

[Alphabetika]

That... can't say it any better. Not everyone will try to be kind and not hurt her feelings.... KWIM? You did the right thing.

 

:iagree: If you want to be a writer, you have to let your work be read. That's all there is to it.

[Catwoman]

Any word from your friend yet? I hope she's not upset any more! :001_smile:

[annandatje]

After an unexpectedly negative experience, I steadfastly refuse to read and comment upon anyone's writing. A friend who was a paid author of magazine articles of a certain bent asked me to review something he had written. It sounded like (and actually was) a watered down recycled mishmash of previous pieces that was devoid of his usual uniquely quirky sharp wit. Although I said spoke the truth in a softer, more diplomatic way than here, his feelings obviously were hurt even though he later acknowledged the accuracy of what I had told him. Maybe the fact that he was suffering a bad bout of depression at the time colored his response.

 

Another thing I will never do: guess someone's age at their request. Even with good genetics, it is hard to hide aging without plastic surgery or other treatments. Eventually the treatment becomes obvious; it can only take about ten years off someone's age before being apparent. Although a majority of people believe they appear younger than their age, most do not. Usually adult ages can be guessed within about five years if you train yourself to overlook deceptive features such as babyfaces.

[sbgrace]

Any word from your friend yet? I hope she's not upset any more! :001_smile:

 

I think I mended damage a bit last night. I hope so. I'll talk to her again this evening.

 

Thank you all so much for your replies. It's been really helpful to me. Goodness this was a bit traumatic! I didn't know what I was walking into.

[Mergath]

When you're starting out as a writer, that first honest critique always hurts. There's just no way to get around that. It helps you grow a thicker skin so that, in the future, you can get past the hurt quicker and use the criticism to your advantage.

 

If it wasn't you delivering the initial sting, it would have been someone else, so try not to feel too bad about it. :grouphug: If your friend had gone online for advice instead of to you, I can guarantee it would have been much worse for her.

 

If you want her to feel better, wait a few weeks and ask her, "Have you written any more? I really enjoyed reading your stuff and have been looking forward to more."

[Seasider]

Every aspiring artist needs a Simon Cowell.

 

By that I don't mean someone to say, "You're terrible, forget about it!" but someone who will specifically point out what areas need improvement. You did the right thing, much more kindly than Simon, I'm sure. Remember, she asked for it! You don't do anyone serious about their craft any favors when you laud them for mediocrity.

 

Writing is tough - it takes a combination of perseverance, vulnerability, and a thick skin to weather the submission/rejection process. You will eventually find out how serious she is about writing; she'll either admit your input was helpful, or she'll give it up.

 

Hope your friendship recovers from this and that she learns and grows from the experience.

[LarlaB]

To me there is a difference between hearing criticism and having my spirit crushed.... you are being too hard on yourself. You likely did not crush her spirit, rather this might have been her first experience w/ putting herself out there and getting honest feedback. Its a natural part of life in many circles....

 

In my studies to earn my MA in Counseling & MA in Seminary....gulp- we had to do counseling sessions on video and have them critiqued, in class- multiple times...also, prepare & preach sermons and get feedback. :tongue_smilie: It was no more pleasant the 10th time vs. the 1st time...but in the long term was IMMENSELY growth producing!

 

You didn't do anything wrong- your honest feedback stung, and in time the more you talk her thru the process, the better it will be. :) You can find ways to encourage the good and gently refine the not-so-good....and if you stay engaged w/ her in this process, the better your relationship may likely be because of this. The only downside is that you are a friend, not an editor- and she has no way to speak to a vulnerable part of you....so stay humble & gentle (as you already are).