Parental agreement about tv time

[bakpak]

I'm getting to my wits end arguing with my husband about screen time for our 3-yr-old. He says NO SCREEN TIME EVER and I feel like I'm compromising by limiting her screen time to 1 to 1.5 hours a week. What she's watching during that time is foreign language videos usually. Sweet, easy, funny, but not fast-paced like most cartoons are these days.

 

He won't budge about his opinion and he certainly doesn't seem to appreciate that I want to strongly limit our DD's screen time too. However,I also see computers and videos as a resource that can be educational if used properly and minimally. Also of note, I am the primary caretaker and spend most of my DD's waking hours interacting with her in other ways when she's not at her morning Montessori preschool or sleeping.

 

Anyway, I guess I'm asking if anyone else has had this (or a similar issue) where one parent refused to compromise. Did it ever get resolved?

 

Did I mention that my husband was recently diagnosed with mild to moderate autism? =D

[Jpoy85]

If you cant compromise on this now, what about bigger issues?

 

Why is he so against it? Will he let he watch anything? Ever? A movie? A cartoon?

Try watching the things together and then have your daughter watch.

[Keniki]

Probably not what you want to hear, but the easiest way to resolve it is to do it his way. A 3yo can and will survive not having any screen time.

[Arcadia]

What she's watching during that time is foreign language videos usually. Sweet, easy, funny, but not fast-paced like most cartoons are these days.

 

At that age, my kids listen to foreign language music instead.

 

My hubby did not like the passive interaction, the sensory overload and thinks it is bad for the eyes.

[TammyS]

The question that I would ask you is this: Why do you think she *should* have screen time? It's fine to say that computers can be a tool and resource, but your three year old isn't using them for that...so what do you think is the benefit of *this* screen time?

 

FWIW, studies suggest that watching foreign language TV does nothing to help a child learn the language because it's not interactive and with children still developing language it probably slows down acquisition of their primary language, though not enough to be concerned.

 

ETA: I realized that my question could be perceived as asking you to justify your position. It isn't. My point is that it's easier to resolve conflict when you know what each party is *really* after. If you really feel like she needs to watch the program for some reason, then *that reason* is what I would be talking to dh about. If you don't actually have a strong reason, then the general practice in my house is that when one party does not have a strong reason for/against something, then they just give the other party their way. There are plenty of things that you will need to go around about, no point in going around about something that isn't important to both parties.

Edited October 25, 2012 by TammyS

[Catwoman]

A 3yo can and will survive not having any screen time.

 

Yeah, but can the mom? :tongue_smilie: Just kidding (sort of!) but sometimes a mom needs a break or have to do something around the house without kids underfoot, so even if you're anti-screen time (which I'm not, BTW,) I don't think a few hours a week is going to be the end of the world.

 

Personally, I think the dh is being incredibly unreasonable.

 

His attitude wouldn't fly in my house. :glare:

 

Again, we're not anti-screen time, so maybe my opinion is worthless in this thread.

[Joanne]

"DH, I love you. You are an awesome Dad and husband. I love how fiercely you protect us and how deeply you care. On the screen time issue, I am *also* not budging. I won't insist that she WATCH when you are here or it is family time, but I refuse to forbid it on occassion when I selectively allow it. I'm not going to discuss it anymore, either, because I don't want the strife. I won't talk about our difference in front of her, and I ask you do the same. I am also not going to convince you to see it differently, and I ask the same respect."

[Danestress]

to me, a compromise implies that both parties (perhaps reluctantly) agree to the deal. This sounds like your unilateral decision to me.

 

Your options are to do what he wants or to do what you want. Obviously if you could actually agree to something, that would be better. But I would be pretty mad if my DH did something I seriously objected to and called it a "compromise." I would rather he just admit, "You don't want me to do this, but I am doing it anyway. I might do less of it than I want because I don't want you to be madder than you already are, but I am going to do X amount whether you like it or not." At least that would be honest.

 

In this particular case, I would just eliminate screen time, even though I am not really opposed to a bit of screen time for 3 year olds. I don't really see any advantage to it, and I see great advantage to letting a man who want to be a good Dad make some Dad decisions.

[Arcadia]

Yeah, but can the mom? :tongue_smilie: Just kidding (sort of!) but sometimes a mom needs a break or have to do something around the house without kids underfoot, so even if you're anti-screen time (which I'm not, BTW,) I don't think a few hours a week is going to be the end of the world.

 

I am not anti-screen time either. I was thinking from OP's husband point of view since OP said in the first post "when she's not at her morning Montessori preschool or sleeping."

 

So taking away time at preschool and nap time, there is not much waking time left before her hubby is home from work. I just think OP needs to ask her husband the reason for his opinion, and resolve the conflict from there.

Edited October 25, 2012 by Arcadia

[Beth S]

Why don't you go along with his idea for at least a month. See how it goes. You can talk about it again after that. He's a new Dad. You're a new Mom. Try not to dig in your heels on something like this.

 

If you have a husband who does not resort to screen time in the evenings to relax with the family, then you have a gem!

 

If he sees you implementing his idea of no screen time, even if it's just for a month, I think you'll be surprised at the results.

[bakpak]

Hi - thanks for replying everyone. Just about everything that you guys have said has happened/been said at some point in this very long-standing argument (possible started before we got married and had a child??!). This morning he flipped out that I was getting a free iPad from a friend because obviously I'm trying to escape parenting duties to sit my child in front of a screen for long periods of time (I found this whole assumption offensive - my friends all act like I'm vying for some parenting award I do so much with my child). He takes the concept of any screen time and assumes the worst possible outcome. She will grow up to not be able to control her interest in tv/computers and won't interact with us, her parents, etc. IMO, he's just scared of her turning out like him. Which might concern me, but she has my personality, not his.

 

You're right, I'm not budging, he's not budging. The idea of compromising isn't going to happen on this front I guess.

 

I feel like I've already compromised, trying to respect his wishes as much as I am comfortable with. I wouldn't be adverse to her having more screen time occasionally (like watching a movie together as a family once in a blue moon, or playing with me on Starfall occasionally), but I don't do it out of respect for his wishes. I keep it to the bare minimum and I NEVER use it as a babysitter. I think my reasons are valid and well considered. Most of her screen time is done directly with me interacting with her during it and we discuss it after, we sing songs together, or we're doing a little fun computer activity that compliments other things we're learning about.

 

I am not fluent in another language, but I'm doing the BEST I can and my daughter knows so much because I have worked so hard at it, using as many resources at my disposal as possible, given money & screen-time constraints. As an experiment one week I let her watch a different little 15 min language video each morning and her verbal Spanish picked up tremendously that week. Another time I let her watch a little documentary about sea turtles and she was so amazed and excited. It was really fun to be able to talk about life cycles, predator-prey relationships, continents, etc because the topic had come alive in a way that reading about it just cannot compare. (we probably read 1-2 hours a day btw)

 

Until very recently my husband was NOT interacting much with our daughter after he came home from work. He was staring at a laptop ignoring her even when she'd tug at him and repeat herself 10 times. He's been cleaning up his act in the past few weeks, but I admit it's hard when I think he's being hypocritical. He doesn't want a TV in the house, but he watches Netflix for hours at night by himself.

 

Ah well, you all have some good suggestions. I especially liked your suggestion Joanne. Thanks for the example. I hated even posting about this, so thanks for giving thoughtful replies.

[bakpak]

By the way, my father was a dictator, and I am strongly opposed to most extreme points of view because of it. This is probably why I've dug in my heels so strongly. My husband says I'm extreme about never being extreme :)

[Mommyof4ks]

It sounds like he is feeling guilty and taking it out on you and punishing both you and your dd without realizing what he is doing. I respect my husband's thoughts and opinions, but he also respects mine. He knows that I know my limits, and things like math will be his responsiblity 100% unless I use websites to help me out. My visual learner will never pick up math wothout a video to show her how to do it. Have you tried that? Tell him you are fine with not using screens for Spanish, but since you are not fluent in it and do not have time to learn it, then it is up to him to spend time teaching her in the evenings when he gets home. Sometimes people do not to see the value in something until they see the disadvantage of not using it, you know.

 

:grouphug: It is hard when parents do not agree especially when one parent makes rules for everyone to follow except themselves.

[Forget-Me-Not]

Is he this controlling in other areas of your lives, or is this a specific "hill to die on" for him?

[bakpak]

I don't know if I'd say he's controlling like the way my father was. My husband is extremely particular and difficult to live with because of all of his idiosyncrasies, which I'm now putting in perspective in regards to the autism diagnosis. He can be a very thoughtful, kind, intelligent person, but unfortunately I spend a large amount of time feeling like I'm dealing with a stubborn, fairly egocentric teenager instead. Obviously I have lots of major life decisions ahead of me/us regarding our marriage, but in the mean time I was trying to get a better handle on this one screen-time issue, as it keeps raising its ugly head when I least expect it.

[TammyS]

Given what you've said, and going on the assumption that your husband is well-intended (rather than just being controlling in order to jerk you around), for now, I would give him this. It sounds like he's had some addictive issues regarding screens in the past and is concerned that the child will end up the same way. Simultaneously, he is trying to get his own act together with the screens. I understand that you are well intended in using the screen time, and I have no conception that you are using it as a babysitter (FWIW, I think conscience use of a screen as a babysitter is perfectly valid - it's unthinking use of a screen as a babysitter that tends to get out of hand). But if he's battling a screen addiction and doesn't want a TV in the house, I think that's a laudable desire. He is trying to be a better husband and father in a substantially significant way. I would tend to put aside the goals that the screen time is accomplishing and support him in this pursuit of improved husband/father behavior. Seems like a higher goal than anything the screen could possibly be contributing.

 

Just a suggestion, but given his recent diagnosis, I wonder if some counseling with someone who understand these issues can help you both. The more that you both understand it, the better you will be able to happily order your lives.

[KungFuPanda]

Do the math. Let your daughter have 10-20% of your husband's screen time amount. If he wants her to cut back to zero, he'll have to do the same. However, if he's able to be a fully functioning adult and still enjoy a show each night, why does he think your daughter has less potential?

 

I'm of the opinion that the parent who isn't in the trenches all day has no right to micro manage the parent who does all of the grunt work. If he'd like to trade roles with you, then he can call the shots. Until he's trying to cook with a little kid underfoot, or until he's paying active attention to your daughter every minute she's awake, he really doesn't know what he's talking about.

 

My compromise would be for him to come home at lunch every day and give you a break. Id give up screen time as long as THAT lasted. He can't just make a declaration, he'd have to trade real effort. :D

[Walking-Iris]

As a mother of a child with autism and OCD---screens can be very problematic for them. They do get addicted very quickly to the visual stimuli. His concerns are not unfounded.

 

In fact the screen addiction is why our tv now lives in the attic and will stay there for a long time. We are TV free. I do allow limited (very limited) computer time mainly because computer use isn't much of a problem for us any longer. But boy was it when my ds was a bit younger. He's getting old enough now to recognize that addictive tendency and how it can be detrimental.

 

The addiction to screens is also why we do not (and at least for the long term foreseeable future--won't ever) own iPods, iPads, Nooks, Kindles or any other type of screen device beyond a simple music player. (my ds is begging for a DS for xmas and he has for years--I may consider it this year--but man I am weighing and debating it hard) My dh has a smart phone to get emails whenever for work, but the kids aren't on that. Mainly because they will suck my child in and then it will be hours and hours of thinking and talking and drawing and acting out nothing else. My ds also gets extremely tense and stims while watching and the fear of seizures is strong. Everyone's general behavior and disposition have been more pleasant without.

 

My point is... If your dh recognizes these subtle pitfalls with technology---it's really a very good thing he is trying to do in his parenting to limit that in your dd's life. I think you have to try to compromise and come to some agreeable ground rules and be sure that what you do allow your dd to watch is truly controlled and limited. It's insidious in this current culture how quickly media and tech stuff takes over our daily life.

 

Being that autism has a genetic potential, it may be a good idea to monitor screens even more closely in your case. Just a thought.

Edited October 26, 2012 by Walking-Iris

[Galatea]

Until very recently my husband was NOT interacting much with our daughter after he came home from work. He was staring at a laptop ignoring her even when she'd tug at him and repeat herself 10 times. He's been cleaning up his act in the past few weeks, but I admit it's hard when I think he's being hypocritical. He doesn't want a TV in the house, but he watches Netflix for hours at night by himself.

 

I'm probably a little more blunt than some people, but given this above, I would tell him that as long as I'm the primary caretaker, I'll make the decisions about what she does with her time, and when he's ready to share fully in responsibility (meaning actually doing what he ought to, not ignoring her, and being a good example by stopping the bad habit himself) then we'll talk about his opinion of screen time. And yes, I've actually had a version of this conversation with my husband, so it can be done.

[Χά�ων]

Until very recently my husband was NOT interacting much with our daughter after he came home from work. He was staring at a laptop ignoring her even when she'd tug at him and repeat herself 10 times. He's been cleaning up his act in the past few weeks, but I admit it's hard when I think he's being hypocritical. He doesn't want a TV in the house, but he watches Netflix for hours at night by himself.

 

 

It sounds to me like your husband is struggling with screen time and wants to spare your daughter that struggle. It easily could be that he knows he is tuned out of life but does not know HOW to tune in to your DD. I see so many people who are so plugged in that they literally do not know how to engage with someone IRL.

[Catwoman]

I'm probably a little more blunt than some people, but given this above, I would tell him that as long as I'm the primary caretaker, I'll make the decisions about what she does with her time, and when he's ready to share fully in responsibility (meaning actually doing what he ought to, not ignoring her, and being a good example by stopping the bad habit himself) then we'll talk about his opinion of screen time.

 

:iagree:

 

Ummmm.... no screen time for the family, but he can watch NetFlix on his computer? :eek:

 

No. No. No.

[Arcadia]

. IMO, he's just scared of her turning out like him. Which might concern me, but she has my personality, not his.

...

 

Until very recently my husband was NOT interacting much with our daughter after he came home from work. He was staring at a laptop ignoring her even when she'd tug at him and repeat herself 10 times. He's been cleaning up his act in the past few weeks, but I admit it's hard when I think he's being hypocritical. He doesn't want a TV in the house, but he watches Netflix for hours at night by himself.

 

:grouphug:

Your daughter is also his daughter. I wouldn't blame him for worrying. I would think his "addiction" is a more immediate problem than arguing over your daughter's tv time.

 

Maybe pull out the cable plug in the evenings so that your husband has a down time from his laptop and Netflix.

 

Just a suggestion, but given his recent diagnosis, I wonder if some counseling with someone who understand these issues can help you both. The more that you both understand it, the better you will be able to happily order your lives.

 

As a mother of a child with autism and OCD---screens can be very problematic for them. They do get addicted very quickly to the visual stimuli. His concerns are not unfounded.

 

Being that autism has a genetic potential, it may be a good idea to monitor screens even more closely in your case. Just a thought.

 

It sounds to me like your husband is struggling with screen time and wants to spare your daughter that struggle. It easily could be that he knows he is tuned out of life but does not know HOW to tune in to your DD.

 

:iagree:

[Elizabeth in MN]

Mmm, this is hard to address because there are several layers to it. Let me see if my brain is working enough to break it down and respond intelligently.

 

The first issue is that the OP and her husband need to work on a compromise. He feels one way, she feels another. They both need to respect each other and work something out. If the husband is not willing to work something out, that is an issue that needs to be addressed in couple therapy.

 

The next layer I am reading is the idea how to educate a young child. In all honesty, at the age of three, the best way to teach is through real life and not any screens. Taking her to see a real turtle will elicit as much awe and wonder as seeing them on a screen - even more IMO. Teaching a child a language you yourself don't know can be an exercise in impossibility. They may learn words, but they won't learn grammar, sentence structure, or all the little exceptions to the rules that each language has. However, it is good for brain stimulation for children to hear languages other than their mother tongue. Computer use is an easily picked up skill that can come at any age, IMO. A very good question to ask yourself about screen time could be "Is there another way for my child to learn this information other than sitting her passively?" The other opportunities may not be as stimulating or give as much information as a computer game or show, but they are inevitably more memorable for the child.

 

A third layer that I see is time away for the mom. I could be projecting, but that is the number one reason I started my child with screen time. I was doing 99% of the parenting and when I wasn't I was doing something related to parenting - reading a book, taking a class, researching things on the Internet. I'd pop in a half hour episode of some good thing and I'd check my email, or call a friend or whatever. Hindsight being 50/50 this is what I would do. First of all, I'd set a limit of how much screen time a day was allowed. Next I would limit what was on the screens. There is a lot out there that claims to be educational and some that actually is. Parents now-a-days can afford to be very picky about what is allowed into their home. The third thing I would do is take a day off and make that day off the Daddy day both the dd and father need. Mom's day off is out of the house - otherwise she won't actually take it off. Visit with a friend, watch a movie, sit at a coffee and listen to people talk. This is like putting the oxygen mask on the parent first when a plane is going down. If the Mom passes out from lack of oxygen then the kids won't get their masks on.

 

So, that's my wordy take on the issue as presented by the OP.

[thebacabunch]

Do the math. Let your daughter have 10-20% of your husband's screen time amount. If he wants her to cut back to zero, he'll have to do the same. However, if he's able to be a fully functioning adult and still enjoy a show each night, why does he think your daughter has less potential?

 

I'm of the opinion that the parent who isn't in the trenches all day has no right to micro manage the parent who does all of the grunt work. If he'd like to trade roles with you, then he can call the shots. Until he's trying to cook with a little kid underfoot, or until he's paying active attention to your daughter every minute she's awake, he really doesn't know what he's talking about.

 

My compromise would be for him to come home at lunch every day and give you a break. Id give up screen time as long as THAT lasted. He can't just make a declaration, he'd have to trade real effort. :D

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[thebacabunch]

I don't tell my dh how to do his job and I expect the same respect. I would tear my hair out if I couldn't put the occasional show on for my toddler. He wouldn't even let me take a constitutional without his company :tongue_smilie:. Sometimes I just need for him to stop making messes long enough for me to clean up. I don't live near family like we all largely did before tv. I can't take him over to my mom's house so I can take a shower.

[LucyStoner]

 

Until very recently my husband was NOT interacting much with our daughter after he came home from work. He was staring at a laptop ignoring her even when she'd tug at him and repeat herself 10 times. He's been cleaning up his act in the past few weeks, but I admit it's hard when I think he's being hypocritical. He doesn't want a TV in the house, but he watches Netflix for hours at night by himself.

 

 

Ok what I am seeing is that with this and his reaction to you getting an iPad is that he wants to control others screen time because he can't control his. You are an adult. His reaction to you having an iPad is kinda insulting. You are also a FT and hands on caregiver during the day. I am all for the person doing the work deciding how to do it.

 

And FWIW, we are a no cable TV, no Netflix, only a few DVD and movie family so I kinda expected to side with your spouse at first. But I see it differently after reading all of this. My kids vastly prefer reading and playing to all kinds of screens. You can do it in moderation and very selectively. My older son is on the spectrum and frankly, he is less inclined to screen time than his neurotypical brother. We do not allow him handheld video things because we don't want him to have one more thing to isolate himself with in group settings, but he has no issue with overdoing at home screen use. We delayed his introduction to it for a longer time than typical.

Edited October 26, 2012 by kijipt

[bakpak]

Thanks again everyone - I sincerely appreciate your comments. I am against my daughter 'plugging in' in general. I am against her having handheld video games. I am against her playing video games for the foreseeable future. I am against her watching normal tv. We don't even own any toys with batteries and never have. I fully anticipate that any tv I allow her to watch during childhood will be 90% in a foreign language (we do Spanish and dabble in French).

 

We have a very bright daughter. She's mostly doing typical 5 or 6-yr-old activities in math & reading, and much of this is because I've worked with her so much and allowed her giftedness to flourish in a healthy, fun learning environment. My DH has never read a word on child development, on education, discipline, giftedness, etc. He's never bought her a book, a toy, or clothing. He's not interested in it. And you're right, I guess I feel that I understand where he's coming from, and will always be on the lookout for problems if they arise, but I feel like I'm making an informed decision, I'm the primary caretaker, and he's largely talking about his own issues.

 

My daughter is not on the spectrum, however I am going to be very clear with her that if she decides to have a family of her own she's likely carrying genes for autistic tendencies. She's definitely sensitive to lights/sounds/overstimulation but otherwise she's MUCH more like me, and I'm close to the far end of NT. My husband often seems baffled by her creative behavior, which I take as a good sign ;)

 

As for sea turtles, we have seen them at the aquarium. We have read books about them. Since my daughter is only 3, we have NOT been able to go scuba diving with them and follow them around the world and watch them give birth or watch the young ones hatch (this we will do when we can), which is what we were able to do while watching the video. My DH and I are wildlife biologists, so we're outside in nature all the time. I am FULLY on board with hands-on learning. Will my daughter's education be ruined if I hadn't let her watch the sea turtle video? Clearly no. Was it important to me to share that magic with her....yep. I think I'm trying to make up for the fact that we haven't been traveling much lately, I haven't had a chance to take her to a Spanish-speaking country yet. I'd like her to be in a bilingual school if/when that time comes and we can afford it.

 

But for now I'm doing the best I can to make the world a beautiful, marvelous amazing place, and seriously, I'm just trying to keep up with her. :auto: She's so fun!!

[*********]

"DH, I love you. You are an awesome Dad and husband. I love how fiercely you protect us and how deeply you care. On the screen time issue, I am *also* not budging. I won't insist that she WATCH when you are here or it is family time, but I refuse to forbid it on occassion when I selectively allow it. I'm not going to discuss it anymore, either, because I don't want the strife. I won't talk about our difference in front of her, and I ask you do the same. I am also not going to convince you to see it differently, and I ask the same respect."

 

I do not like this at ALL.

 

I think it's awful. It's not a compromise. In fact, you're encouraging the OP to 'put her foot down' and do it HER way instead of her husband's way.

 

Look, I realize there are situations where there is no compromise. If dad wants NO screen time, and mom wants SOME screen time, there's not a 'middle ground' there.

 

But why is it ok for MOM to say 'We will do it my way, and we won't discuss it anymore', but it's not ok for DAD to say that?

[TechWife]

We have a very bright daughter. She's mostly doing typical 5 or 6-yr-old activities in math & reading, and much of this is because I've worked with her so much and allowed her giftedness to flourish in a healthy, fun learning environment...

 

My daughter is not on the spectrum, however I am going to be very clear with her that if she decides to have a family of her own she's likely carrying genes for autistic tendencies. She's definitely sensitive to lights/sounds/overstimulation but otherwise she's MUCH more like me, and I'm close to the far end of NT. My husband often seems baffled by her creative behavior, which I take as a good sign ;)

 

May I gently say that none of this is evidence that your daughter is NT? She may be, but maybe not. She is too young to rule out the possibility that she is on the spectrum, as any child development professional would tell you. For example, the ability to read at any age can be an indication of hyperlexia, and many people with Asperger Syndrome meet the criteria for it. The sensitivity to lights/sounds/overstimulation is also a common occurrence for those on the spectrum. It's called Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). Not everyone who is hyperlexic or has SPD is on the spectrum, and not everyone on the spectrum is hyperlexic or has SPD. Based on these two things alone, you can neither rule out or rule in autism. The Autism Spectrum is wide - many people on the spectrum are creative, especially those in the sciences. It takes creativity to solve complex problems.

 

For a child who is sensitive to lights/sounds/overstimulation, TV is not helpful at all. In fact, it can be quite harmful - it is full of rapidly changing lights & sound and can easily cause overstimulation. Have you thought of looking for a playgroup to participate in where a second language is spoken? That would be much more beneficial to both of you in the long run. It doesn't even have to be an educational scenario, just a group of kids getting together to play.

 

You also stated your husband exhibits addictive issues with the computer & Netflix. Again, this is not totally uncommon for those on the spectrum, but not everyone who has an addiction is on the spectrum. Addictive personalities have a genetic component. That's why many children of alcoholics never touch alcohol - they have seen what it can do and they aren't willing to take the risk. Perhaps your husband would rather not expose her to a potentially harmful environment at such an early age.

 

You said your husband was recently diagnosed w/autism - have you talked to any other women who have autistic spouses? I suspect that would be very helpful to you - both to have a sounding board and to glean from others experiences. Living with an autistic individual is not easy, as you know. Is your husband working with anyone for help with his autistic behaviors? Knowing the diagnosis is only helpful if there is action taken to get help in weak areas and take advantage of strong areas. I think that both of you getting education & help about autism is more of a priority than arguing about how much screen time a preschooler should get.

Edited October 26, 2012 by TechWife

[Galatea]

I do not like this at ALL.

 

I think it's awful. It's not a compromise. In fact, you're encouraging the OP to 'put her foot down' and do it HER way instead of her husband's way.

 

Look, I realize there are situations where there is no compromise. If dad wants NO screen time, and mom wants SOME screen time, there's not a 'middle ground' there.

 

But why is it ok for MOM to say 'We will do it my way, and we won't discuss it anymore', but it's not ok for DAD to say that?

 

Well, others may disagree, but my personal feeling is that the primary caregiver has the right to make most decisions for daily activities, which includes screen time. Screen time is not a moral or religious concern (as far as I'm aware), so it isn't the same as something like whether they go to church. It is a "how do we spend our time" question, and those are for the person with the child. ESPECIALLY if the other parent chooses not to engage with and entertain the child himself when he is capable of it.

[SKL]

I would ask him at what age he feels screen time should be allowed and why, and go from there. It might help to break it down to specific types of screen time. "What about classic family movies like The Wizard of Oz? What about highly recommended educational computer games? Scholastic book animations with subtitles? Dance or yoga videos that encourage movement on a rainy day?"

 

I used to get really ticked when I caught my nanny turning on cartoons when I specifically told her not to. I know you're not a nanny, but until you figure out some kind of compromise, your DH will feel you are disregarding his wishes and get ticked about it. Think of something you don't want to allow - perhaps candy before dinner - and how you'd feel if he went ahead and gave that to your kids, regularly, in disregard of your wishes.

 

Your child will be OK without TV at age 3, but the decision to forbid screen time will be more problematic as she gets older. One argument in favor of allowing some is that at least you're right there to help the child interpret and filter what she sees/hears. How does your DH propose to make up for this lack of safe exposure down the line?

[LucyStoner]

Well, others may disagree, but my personal feeling is that the primary caregiver has the right to make most decisions for daily activities, which includes screen time. Screen time is not a moral or religious concern (as far as I'm aware), so it isn't the same as something like whether they go to church. It is a "how do we spend our time" question, and those are for the person with the child. ESPECIALLY if the other parent chooses not to engage with and entertain the child himself when he is capable of it.

 

Exactly, the person who is in this case home all day and actively plugged Ito her child all day should have the right to decide how to spend her day, especially when she is capable of moderation. The husband should not get veto power over the minutia of his wife's day.

[Galatea]

I would ask him at what age he feels screen time should be allowed and why, and go from there. It might help to break it down to specific types of screen time. "What about classic family movies like The Wizard of Oz? What about highly recommended educational computer games? Scholastic book animations with subtitles? Dance or yoga videos that encourage movement on a rainy day?"

 

I used to get really ticked when I caught my nanny turning on cartoons when I specifically told her not to. I know you're not a nanny, but until you figure out some kind of compromise, your DH will feel you are disregarding his wishes and get ticked about it. Think of something you don't want to allow - perhaps candy before dinner - and how you'd feel if he went ahead and gave that to your kids, regularly, in disregard of your wishes.

 

Your child will be OK without TV at age 3, but the decision to forbid screen time will be more problematic as she gets older. One argument in favor of allowing some is that at least you're right there to help the child interpret and filter what she sees/hears. How does your DH propose to make up for this lack of safe exposure down the line?

 

The issue with the nanny isn't that she ignored your concern though. It's that you are PAYING HER and she isn't doing what you told her to do for that pay. This would be like me surfing the internet all day at a job instead of doing my work. Totally different from a husband/wife conflict, IMO.

[LucyStoner]

 

I used to get really ticked when I caught my nanny turning on cartoons when I specifically told her not to. I know you're not a nanny, but until you figure out some kind of compromise, your DH will feel you are disregarding his wishes and get ticked about it. Think of something you don't want to allow - perhaps candy before dinner - and how you'd feel if he went ahead and gave that to your kids, regularly, in disregard of your wishes.

 

 

Why does HE get to disregard her wishes? Especially when she is the one who is attentive to his daughter and while he is trying to improve has not? I think it is never ok to use a parent-nanny analogy between parents. She is not a nanny, she is a mother and she wants to use something with her child, who she apparently is the only parental hands on and engaged caregiver for. His directions are not an employer's instructions to an employee. She gets considerable way over the details of her day to day choices.

[SKL]

Why does HE get to disregard her wishes? Especially when she is the one who is attentive to his daughter and while he is trying to improve has not? I think it is never ok to use a parent-nanny analogy between parents. She is not a nanny, she is a mother and she wants to use something with her child, who she apparently is the only parental hands on and engaged caregiver for. His directions are not an employer's instructions to an employee. She gets considerable way over the details of her day to day choices.

 

Well, I'm sorry, but as a single mom I don't have a personal husband analogy. Of course a nanny is different from a wife, and I thought I was clear about that. I also gave an example of a husband going against the wife's wishes. :chillpill: Let's not get off the topic. The point is that I can understand his being frustrated if he feels his wishes are being disregarded. He's an invested parent, too; otherwise he would not be concerned how much TV the child watches.

 

I don't agree that being absent for part of the day means you don't have any say over what happens to your child during that part of the day. Maybe she shouldn't have anything to say about his job and the financial rewards thereof, either.

[Arcadia]

You said your husband was recently diagnosed w/autism - have you talked to any other women who have autistic spouses? I suspect that would be very helpful to you - both to have a sounding board and to glean from others experiences. Living with an autistic individual is not easy, as you know. Is your husband working with anyone for help with his autistic behaviors? Knowing the diagnosis is only helpful if there is action taken to get help in weak areas and take advantage of strong areas. I think that both of you getting education & help about autism is more of a priority than arguing about how much screen time a preschooler should get.

 

:iagree: Look for a support group for yourself.

[LucyStoner]

 

I don't agree that being absent for part of the day means you don't have any say over what happens to your child during that part of the day. Maybe she shouldn't have anything to say about his job and the financial rewards thereof, either.

 

I don't agree with that either, being separated from your child does not negate your status as a parent. However this sounds like a situation where he is disconnected and not spending much energy on his child even when he can. Frankly, that reduces his say.

 

Also, for those that say she is not compromising, a compromise between NONE and SOME is not none. 1-2 hours per WEEK with a parent is pretty moderated and far closer to none than the average TV user. I also think that on the small stuff, we tend to default to the parent who says yes. my husband grew up on cold cereal and loves it. I would just as soon never buy buy it. I grew up on hot breakfasts and hot cereal and find my way much more healthful and economical. But we keep a little on hand for him and the boys to have occasionally. That is more of a compromise than me saying never ever ever can my kids eat cherrios or gosh darn it, fruit loops. If my husband was concerned about something we did during the day, I'd listen. Why? Because he wouldn't lay it out as him having the final/only say and he wouldn't get nitpicky about the small stuff.And he is super plugged into our homelife desipite a combination of work and professional school that far exceeds fulltime. I do feels that to a degree you earn a larger say when you make your family your number one priority. When I worked and my husband was home part time, I didn't question why the boys had hot dogs for lunch a lot and why he spent a lot of time playing with them rather than cleaning up their room with them. The adult who is home gets some natural autonomy even though I do things differently now that I am home basically FT.

[swellmomma]

Well, I'm sorry, but as a single mom I don't have a personal husband analogy. Of course a nanny is different from a wife, and I thought I was clear about that. I also gave an example of a husband going against the wife's wishes. :chillpill: Let's not get off the topic. The point is that I can understand his being frustrated if he feels his wishes are being disregarded. He's an invested parent, too; otherwise he would not be concerned how much TV the child watches.

 

I don't agree that being absent for part of the day means you don't have any say over what happens to your child during that part of the day. Maybe she shouldn't have anything to say about his job and the financial rewards thereof, either.

 

He may only be physically absent during the day, but even when there he is checked out and mentally absent anyway. Put it this way, rather than a nanny analogy. I am a single mom like you, I am primary care taker. Now if my child's father started making demands that he/she could not have screen time in the home it would pose a serious issue. Yes he sees them sometimes, yes he pays support but I am primary caretaker. I see the situation with the OP and her dh the same way. Yes they are together and married, BUT she is essentially raising this 3 year old alone. Her dh is checked out as a parent and should not be able to make demands such as these.

 

I agree with limiting screen time, it sounds like the OP does too. she already quite limits the amount her daughter watches. Based on the time she is giving in a week that is only like 20 minutes a day. As far as I am concerned if this was my husband I would tell him to stop projecting his issues onto my child. 20 minutes a day of watching a program with mom is not going to ruin the daughter for life.

[bakpak]

Ah, this question really got folks wound up. Mmmm...sounds familiar.

 

I've asked my husband at what age he thinks it would be okay for her to use a computer/watch tv in his opinion and he has said NEVER. Well....this is like a father claiming his daughter will never date. It's a little checked out from reality. I'd rather demonstrate healthy limits now and later teach her skills for limiting herself.

 

When I said she watches 1-2 hours a week, I was giving a liberal estimate. In the last 7 days she's watched 20 min of French - Little Pim and she and I did a little spanish on the computer for maybe 5 min. That was all on one day, so 6 of 7 days no screen time. The funny thing is that I think he and I are generally on the same page about this stuff, it's just that we differ by 1% compared to the general population. I totally get his opinion, I just think it's extreme and he does NOT think it is extreme. Back to my original question of how one actually compromises when the other party is completely unwilling to discuss it. I still don't know how to resolve this, but some suggestions here have helped me think about it in different ways.

 

As for my daughter being NT versus on the spectrum, I really don't need or want to go into the 100s of reasons why I am convinced of this. Sorry to push anyone's buttons. I'm not being naive, I just know my child. I'm very aware of the nuances of being on the spectrum, hence my mentioning the only characteristics that I am aware of right now that she shares with this group. And for this reason I do not want her to watch lots of flashing, zipping, crazy animation. As I wouldn't want it for any other child. I also didn't mean to imply that autistic folks aren't creative - perhaps I worded that poorly.

 

Yup, we need couples counseling. He needs counseling to be able to function in modern life. I need counseling to cope with him (and i was getting it until recently when I had to move). Counseling is going to be a 1.5 hr drive one way, so logistically challenging at the moment and not happening.

 

One day I'll find a Spanish-speaking group to hang out with, but not where I am right now. I am thrilled to be meeting once a week with a Colombian lady to work on my own Spanish and her English.

[bakpak]

Yes they are together and married, BUT she is essentially raising this 3 year old alone. Her dh is checked out as a parent and should not be able to make demands such as these.

.

 

Yup, this is how I've felt almost the entire 3 years, that I was solo parenting. Or rather, true solo parenting would be easier, without me trying to please him too and walking on eggshells around him. Lately he's been more involved and I'm thrilled for my daughter's sake, but I can tell it's taking its toll. He works so hard to appear 'normal' at work (and he HATES his current job/boss), that he really needs to collapse and recover at home, but guess what he has a family with needs. I can tell it's all very hard for him and overwhelming and I'm trying to help him make good decisions that ease his struggles at work and home, but ultimately I don't know how long he can keep it up. His preference (and this is often what he does) is to come home and lie on the living room floor for an hour or more with his eyes closed.

 

And yes, he's been the primary breadwinner, but I've brought in money as well, I'm about to graduate with my PhD and I'm applying for jobs and publishing manuscripts.

 

Anyway, I don't mean to keep this conversation going indefinitely and bring up all my family drama. Maybe I'll head off to search for an online support group for women married to men with autism :)

[Lisbeth]

At that age, my kids listen to foreign language music instead.

 

My hubby did not like the passive interaction, the sensory overload and thinks it is bad for the eyes.

 

I agree with this. The no compromise thing is a bit concerning though. Why does he get 100% say on this?

[LucyStoner]

His preference (and this is often what he does) is to come home and lie on the living room floor for an hour or more with his eyes closed.

 

 

 

I'd totally let him have that time in moderation (say 15-60 minutes) but I think it is reasonable that he be plugged into the family and not the computer/personal TV consumption after. When I worked FT, I would need 10-30 minutes to just decompress. My husband tends to take that time for reading music or something after the kids are in bed but after a hard day he is certainly known to sometimes isolate himself for the first 10 or so minutes and is welcome to do so. I can see how this time would be even more vital for those with Autism. My son (who has Autism) will need to hole up in his tent by himself for awhile on a family camping trip just because the cousins are too much stimulation. So I get that. I can seem why he would want to be TV free as well, but the way he is going about it is like asking ya'll to be vegan while he eats endless piles of bacon or something. I hope you are both able to get the help you need.

[Galatea]

I'd totally let him have that time in moderation (say 15-60 minutes) but I think it is reasonable that he be plugged into the family and not the computer/personal TV consumption after. When I worked FT, I would need 10-30 minutes to just decompress. My husband tends to take that time for reading music or something after the kids are in bed but after a hard day he is certainly known to sometimes isolate himself for the first 10 or so minutes and is welcome to do so. I can see how this time would be even more vital for those with Autism. My son (who has Autism) will need to hole up in his tent by himself for awhile on a family camping trip just because the cousins are too much stimulation. So I get that. I can seem why he would want to be TV free as well, but the way he is going about it is like asking ya'll to be vegan while he eats endless piles of bacon or something. I hope you are both able to get the help you need.

 

:iagree: I agree that a short amount of time to decompress is reasonable. I would also expect, however, that he give you the same courtesy if you do this. Let him have his 30min to an hour, then you take 30min to an hour for yourself where he has full care for your daughter.

[KungFuPanda]

Personally, I have never understood zero tolerance policies concerning TV. You CAN learn from video. I find a how-to video MUCH easier to understand than a book or audio recording trying to walk me through the same information.

[Joanne]

Personally, I have never understood zero tolerance policies concerning TV. You CAN learn from video. I find a how-to video MUCH easier to understand than a book or audio recording trying to walk me through the same information.

 

I'm so past even *justifying* it with "you can learn."

 

Look, I've read all the books, starting with the early ones such as the Plug In Drug.

 

But I'm ok with allowing humans, including kids not prone to screen addiction watch something (or play something) just because.

[Just Jane]

I'm probably a little more blunt than some people, but given this above, I would tell him that as long as I'm the primary caretaker, I'll make the decisions about what she does with her time, and when he's ready to share fully in responsibility (meaning actually doing what he ought to, not ignoring her, and being a good example by stopping the bad habit himself) then we'll talk about his opinion of screen time. And yes, I've actually had a version of this conversation with my husband, so it can be done.

 

:iagree::iagree: