Questions for a friend

[newlifemom]

A friend of mine knows that I am here frequently, and that there are diverse opinions for every possible topic. She wanted me to ask a series of questions regarding male/female friendships. Her request is pretty specific, so I am going to try to ask them that way. There are a total of three and they kind of build on each other.

 

Here goes:

 

1. She would like to know if your dh/dw/so has made any friends of the opposite sex apart from you since you were married/in a committed relationship. [This is not a mutual friendship, and it includes phone/texting which can be as little as once a year or daily banter]

 

 

2. If that does occur, do your so have a pic of said friend in their contact list. You know, kind of like an avatar here.

 

 

 

3. [This is the weird one, and she readily admits it] If so, are these pics ever provocative[at least in your opinion]?

 

 

I've tried to word things the she wanted them. I am going to have her look and see if it works. I may try to post a poll. [never done that before] But the main idea is to get a variety of responses. Obviously, she has reasons and wants to get a general vibe from a diverse group.

 

TIA

[Catwoman]

So basically, this woman is wondering if her dh is having an affair with his female friend?

 

Because that's what those questions signify to me.

[newlifemom]

I'll go first. Answers in red.

 

 

 

1. She would like to know if your dh/dw/so has made any friends of the opposite sex apart from you since you were married/in a committed relationship. [This is not a mutual friendship, and it includes phone/texting which can be as little as once a year or daily banter]

Yes

 

2. If that does occur, do your so have a pic of said friend in their contact list. You know, kind of like an avatar here.

 

I would imagine so. With the latest iphone update I am noticing pics of friends for e-mails and phone calls and texts.

 

3. [This is the weird one, and she readily admits it] If so, are these pics ever provocative[at least in your opinion]?

 

I've never asked to see them, nor have I inadvertanly seen them, so I wouldn't know. In one sense, he cannot control what other people post as their pic. Of course I think he could [if he wanted] have a pic that comes up when they call as well.

 

 

 

 

I've tried to word things the she wanted them. I am going to have her look and see if it works. I may try to post a poll. [never done that before] But the main idea is to get a variety of responses. Obviously, she has reasons and wants to get a general vibe from a diverse group.

 

TIA

 

for us, my dh tends to keep his friendships to females that I don't know to coworkers. As the company psychologist [well not officially :D] however, he gets calls and texts on a regular basis asking for work advice, etc. Whenever he 'friends' someone on fb, he always asks them to friend me. Some do, some don't. I have absolute trust in my dh though. HTH

[newlifemom]

So basically, this woman is wondering if her dh is having an affair with his female friend?

 

Because that's what those questions signify to me.

 

I think it is more of at what point do things like that constitute an affair, if only mentally?

[Trish]

1. She would like to know if your dh/dw/so has made any friends of the opposite sex apart from you since you were married/in a committed relationship. [This is not a mutual friendship, and it includes phone/texting which can be as little as once a year or daily banter] No. He has acquaintances from work, but no one I would call a friend.

2. If that does occur, do your so have a pic of said friend in their contact list. You know, kind of like an avatar here. Work acquaintances can come up with a photo.

 

 

3. [This is the weird one, and she readily admits it] If so, are these pics ever provocative[at least in your opinion]? Not that I've ever seen, and I'd ask him to delete something like that if it were there. What would the kids think???? We're always talking to them about phone safety/internet safety/appropriateness of materials etc., so it would not be good if we didn't follow our own rules!

 

[Pink Fairy]

Nope, no opposite gender friends, outside of work. No contact lists or female friends on fb that aren't a relative or a mutual friend/neighbor. And since we've been married I haven't had any male friends that weren't mutual friends for both of us. Wasn't planned, but seems natural.

 

Actually, upon further consideration, I think it would be weird if he socialized with other women. I wouldn't like it.

[Catwoman]

I think it is more of at what point do things like that constitute an affair, if only mentally?

 

If the woman is sending him provocative photos of herself and he's not deleting them, I think your friend has cause for concern.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

1. No

 

2. There might be contact pics on his phone, but I don't look at it.

 

3. He can barely see up close, even with his glasses, so i don't know if he could tell if an avatar pic was provocative.

[AnnaM]

1. She would like to know if your dh/dw/so has made any friends of the opposite sex apart from you since you were married/in a committed relationship. [This is not a mutual friendship, and it includes phone/texting which can be as little as once a year or daily banter] No. He has acquaintances from work, but no one I would call a friend.

2. If that does occur, do your so have a pic of said friend in their contact list. You know, kind of like an avatar here. Work acquaintances can come up with a photo.

 

 

3. [This is the weird one, and she readily admits it] If so, are these pics ever provocative[at least in your opinion]? Not that I've ever seen, and I'd ask him to delete something like that if it were there. What would the kids think???? We're always talking to them about phone safety/internet safety/appropriateness of materials etc., so it would not be good if we didn't follow our own rules!

 

 

 

:iagree:

[Farrar]

Yes - several actually through his hobbies and work

Not really? He doesn't keep a pic on his contact list on his phone for anyone - though I'm friended with many of dh's friends on fb so I can see their fb avatars or see them if they comment on his statuses

No.

 

I agree that this is clearly a suspicious about an affair situation.

[OrganicAnn]

1. My DH has several female friends. They were friends before we met. No new female friends since we met/married. There are two former babysitters that we consider family friends who are female. They are both married with kids. So I still don't think that counts.

 

2. No pics in cellphone. We are old farts and can barely keep up with technology, so we are just lucky to have cellphones.

 

3. No pics therefore no racy pics.

[Catwoman]

3. He can barely see up close, even with his glasses, so i don't know if he could tell if an avatar pic was provocative.

 

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

Who knew his poor vision could be such a good thing for your marriage? :D

 

He'll also never know when you get wrinkles or cellulite. ;)

[FeFe]

Here goes:

 

1. She would like to know if your dh/dw/so has made any friends of the opposite sex apart from you since you were married/in a committed relationship. [This is not a mutual friendship, and it includes phone/texting which can be as little as once a year or daily banter]

 

No, not outside of work.

 

2. If that does occur, do your so have a pic of said friend in their contact list. You know, kind of like an avatar here.

 

She should know that sometimes phones import profile pics from social media and often those are provocative.

 

 

3. [This is the weird one, and she readily admits it] If so, are these pics ever provocative[at least in your opinion]?

 

I would certainly hope not if they were taken from his phone or sent to him from her.

 

I've tried to word things the she wanted them. I am going to have her look and see if it works. I may try to post a poll. [never done that before] But the main idea is to get a variety of responses. Obviously, she has reasons and wants to get a general vibe from a diverse group.

 

TIA

 

HTH

[Rivka]

Our phones import people's contact numbers and profile pictures from Facebook, if they have a Facebook profile. So yeah, my husband probably has plenty of pictures on his phone of women I don't know, just as my phone has a lot of pictures and numbers of people I knew in high school but would never call. It doesn't worry me.

[Carrie12345]

Our phones import people's contact numbers and profile pictures from Facebook, if they have a Facebook profile. So yeah, my husband probably has plenty of pictures on his phone of women I don't know, just as my phone has a lot of pictures and numbers of people I knew in high school but would never call. It doesn't worry me.

 

Same here. Our phones automatically sync to FB, so we *both* see my sister's, ahem, "flirty" profile pic when she calls either one of our phones. I don't know what other pictures look like on dh's, because I don't use his phone.

[Unicorn.]

1. Yes, but they are more acquaintances, not "friends"

2. Uh, NO!

3. HELL NO! Big red flag on this one (and number 2, fwiw). I won't say what I'm really thinking, but you can read Cat's posts- I agree w/ her.

[annandatje]

If the woman is sending him provocative photos of herself and he's not deleting them, I think your friend has cause for concern.

 

:iagree: At this point, your friend probably is going to get only indignant denials if she asks husband about state of relationship with the woman.

 

My career may have led to my cynicism in these matters, but, if it were me, I'd go directly to surveillance (either of the do it yourself or the professional type) to get the truth but only after I had painstakingly prepared a thorough compilation of assets owned, loans against assets, income and expenses. Of course, it is always a good idea for both parties to have sound knowledge of household financial situation.

 

In most instances where a woman has sought survelliance work to see if husband was cheating, unfortunately he was indeed having illicit relations.

 

Obviously the friend needs to be emotionally and strategically prepared to learn the truth and have a plan of action in place to deal with the truth. Most importantly act if you suspect nothing at all for the time being.

 

I am NOT automatically assuming that the friend's husband is cheating. However, based upon life experience, it does not look good.

[Arcadia]

1. He is friends with his female co-workers and I have met all of them.

2. His phone is the ancient kind. no pictures for contacts list. He purposely stay off facebook because it can get too gossipy.

3. No because of (2)

[Lolly]

1. yes

2. I have no idea

3. I have no idea.

 

I don't check dh's phone.

[Heatherwith4]

The picture could very well be imported from FB. So if her profile pic is provocative, that could be the problem. She didn't necessarily send your friend's DH the picture.

[annandatje]

The picture could very well be imported from FB. So if her profile pic is provocative, that could be the problem. She didn't necessarily send your friend's DH the picture.

 

Good point. It could be easily explained.

[UnsinkableKristen]

1. Yes, but only through work. However, fairly soon afterwards, they became my friends as well. He doesn't currently have any female friends that aren't also my friends.

 

2. Yes, but none that he has chosen for them or that they have sent him personally. They are all ones that the friend has chosen through a site like FB or through their own phone. *You know, I take that back. He does have a picture of a female friend (coworker) that he took of her that shows up when she calls. But I was there when he took it, so it's not weird or anything. *

 

3. No. None of his female friends (our friends) have pictures that either of us would consider provacative. They are pictures of them with their children/spouses/etc.

 

 

 

If she is having to ask you about it, instead of her own DH, then there is a problem.

[In the Rain]

1. She would like to know if your dh/dw/so has made any friends of the opposite sex apart from you since you were married/in a committed relationship. [This is not a mutual friendship, and it includes phone/texting which can be as little as once a year or daily banter] No. He has acquaintances from work, but no one I would call a friend.

2. If that does occur, do your so have a pic of said friend in their contact list. You know, kind of like an avatar here. Work acquaintances can come up with a photo.

 

 

3. [This is the weird one, and she readily admits it] If so, are these pics ever provocative[at least in your opinion]? Not that I've ever seen, and I'd ask him to delete something like that if it were there. What would the kids think???? We're always talking to them about phone safety/internet safety/appropriateness of materials etc., so it would not be good if we didn't follow our own rules!

 

 

:iagree: with all of these answers. The avatars are associated with corporate email accounts, so they are generally not provocative. :lol:

[In the Rain]

The picture could very well be imported from FB. So if her profile pic is provocative, that could be the problem. She didn't necessarily send your friend's DH the picture.

 

This is true. I turned off the FB/Contact List link on my phone. It removed all of the FB avatars. I kind of liked the avatars, but none of my friends have provocative photos. :lol:

[Sctigermom]

1) yes female coworkers

2) yes bc of his phone it syncs with their FB

3) as above if their FB pic was provocative then that's what would pop up. I'm not jealous and I don't really care if he has female friends. If they started texting him inappropriate photos then we might have a chat.

[Catwoman]

If she is having to ask you about it, instead of her own DH, then there is a problem.

 

:iagree:

[Element]

I wouldn't think twice about a contact pic if dh was regularly in the habit of using pics for the contacts in his list. Does he have a smartphone? Is it possible that his contact pic for her is just her facebook pic?

[plain jane]

The picture could very well be imported from FB. So if her profile pic is provocative, that could be the problem. She didn't necessarily send your friend's DH the picture.

 

I think this is getting to be more common with technology being what it is these days. My dh does have a smart phone, paid for by his company (but is for personal use as well) so his FB friends' pictures show up in his contacts. He does have female friends, but the vast majority of them are from his college days so he gets pics of kids and such. Unfortunately not all his "friends" have grown up since then and he's been quick to get rid of those. ;)

 

So I guess my answers are yes, but these have been made thought work, in his line of work being with females is unavoidable (and I am comfortable with that), yes he does have pictures of other women on his phone (gosh that doesn't seem to sound right :lol:) and yes, not all have been in good taste but that has been the fault of FB more than his. Dh has been really good about ridding himself of friends who post awful pictures or whose posts are crude and/offensive.

 

I also agree with the previous posters, it sounds like there could be something more going on. :(