Pity Party

[lexi]

I don't know what I'm looking for...support, advice, a place to vent?

 

Anyway, my 3rd child has crazy life threatening food allergies. She can't even be around certain foods or she starts having issues. It's very scary and horribly frustrating.

 

Everywhere we go, I have to explain and explain and explain. It gets so old. We've had people who are so accommodating and people who are so....not...:tongue_smilie:

 

We recently moved to a new city and have been visiting churches. Not. fun. at. all. We found one that we liked and everyone seemed really nice and helpful. They were going to make some changes so our child could go to Sunday School. We take her into the service with us and don't leave her with the volunteer workers who are in there during service because they rotate out weekly. Too many people to explain to for that. But the SS teachers should be consistent. They even changed the snack to Rice Chex in that room so our dd could be safe. I really appreciate that.

 

Now we're involved in the AWANA ministry. Our dd is in Cubbies and we volunteered to be her teachers. I didn't want to go through all the explaining again and I feel safer being there since there are so many families who attend AWANA and don't even go to our church. Trying to educate everyone and the volunteers would be a nightmare. So, we teach. We also bring the snack each week. All parents were supposed to contribute to the snack fund and I purchase the snacks every week. I do this for both Cubbie classes to keep the Cubbies club the same. I just got an email saying that not enough money was collected and that they'd have to change snacks at least for the other room. Ok, that's their decision.

 

But I'm feeling totally upset. Here's why........I've overheard people making comments about the snack policy or being annoyed that their child couldn't bring in their milk or juice cup into the room. While the staff was initially sweet and accommodating, I get the feeling that our special needs are wearing on them. People are annoyed that their kid can't have a cookie or a cupcake or something like that. And parents send their kids to AWANA without dinner so these kids arrive starving and burn through more snacks than my kids can in an entire week. I feel like people are resentful of the changes.

 

So, I don't know what to do. I don't even want to go to church anymore-I don't want to go to any church. We've tried so many and I'm so tired of being "that" family that needs special accommodations. I'm frustrated that every event must revolve around food and that everyone is annoyed with the snack policy. I don't even see why we have to feed everyone a snack. Why can't parents feed their own children? I feed mine before we go.

 

I think I'm just worn down by the constant battle with food allergies and trying to increase awareness for our dd. I guess I just thought church would be a welcoming place. I'm finding it a battle. I have totally lost my desire to go at all.

 

Anyone have thoughts to snap me out of my pity party? I'm feeling so down today. :crying:

[DusksAngel]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[thebarefootamazon]

I think that if you enjoy church and Awana, they can deal with the allergy. I don't understand sending your kids to Awana hungry. Ours starts at 6pm and I always feed my kids before we go (and then a snack when they get back home). You can't change the fact that your kid has allergies and she shouldn't be excluded because of them. Only one of mine has an allergy and he's my youngest so we haven't had to deal with it too much but I've watched a friend of mine battle others about allergies for years.

 

(And totally off topic, how neat. I'm Lexi too. Our kids are very close in age and we're expecting a foster baby in January. What a coincidence.)

[Georgiana Daniels]

Is it possible to talk to the others about how you're feeling and the impression they are giving you?

:grouphug:

[mommy5]

I want to say HUGS ... we've been in a similar spot ... our oldest had severe allergies for years (recently outgrew them!!!) and it was difficult, to say the least.

 

I think there will always be people that complain and don't get it. I think you need some support and it is hard to hear complainers. They have no idea how hard it is to live with life threatening allergies. I also don't understand why kids *need* snacks every 30 minutes (or so it seems in many activities they are constantly feeding kids). Sorry I'm not more helpful but I just want to say - I know what you mean. I think anywhere you go there will always be people who don't get it ... but if you like the church, in general, just stay and try to work it out. Maybe those same people will eventually "get it" and start to empathize with people who have severe allergies...

[Mom-ninja.]

I don't even want to go to my in-laws house due to our food issues.

[fairfarmhand]

It's new. People will get used to the idea. right now it is a hassle because they are not used to it, but they will eventually come around.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[TravelingChris]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: With us, it is my youngest too and she is a teenager and can look out for herself. As I said in a recent thread, it would all be fine if it weren't for people trying to argue with her about her allergies. :grouphug::grouphug:

[lea1]

I don't know what I'm looking for...support, advice, a place to vent?

 

Anyway, my 3rd child has crazy life threatening food allergies. She can't even be around certain foods or she starts having issues. It's very scary and horribly frustrating.

 

Everywhere we go, I have to explain and explain and explain. It gets so old. We've had people who are so accommodating and people who are so....not...:tongue_smilie:

 

We recently moved to a new city and have been visiting churches. Not. fun. at. all. We found one that we liked and everyone seemed really nice and helpful. They were going to make some changes so our child could go to Sunday School. We take her into the service with us and don't leave her with the volunteer workers who are in there during service because they rotate out weekly. Too many people to explain to for that. But the SS teachers should be consistent. They even changed the snack to Rice Chex in that room so our dd could be safe. I really appreciate that.

 

Now we're involved in the AWANA ministry. Our dd is in Cubbies and we volunteered to be her teachers. I didn't want to go through all the explaining again and I feel safer being there since there are so many families who attend AWANA and don't even go to our church. Trying to educate everyone and the volunteers would be a nightmare. So, we teach. We also bring the snack each week. All parents were supposed to contribute to the snack fund and I purchase the snacks every week. I do this for both Cubbie classes to keep the Cubbies club the same. I just got an email saying that not enough money was collected and that they'd have to change snacks at least for the other room. Ok, that's their decision.

 

But I'm feeling totally upset. Here's why........I've overheard people making comments about the snack policy or being annoyed that their child couldn't bring in their milk or juice cup into the room. While the staff was initially sweet and accommodating, I get the feeling that our special needs are wearing on them. People are annoyed that their kid can't have a cookie or a cupcake or something like that. And parents send their kids to AWANA without dinner so these kids arrive starving and burn through more snacks than my kids can in an entire week. I feel like people are resentful of the changes.

 

So, I don't know what to do. I don't even want to go to church anymore-I don't want to go to any church. We've tried so many and I'm so tired of being "that" family that needs special accommodations. I'm frustrated that every event must revolve around food and that everyone is annoyed with the snack policy. I don't even see why we have to feed everyone a snack. Why can't parents feed their own children? I feed mine before we go.

 

I think I'm just worn down by the constant battle with food allergies and trying to increase awareness for our dd. I guess I just thought church would be a welcoming place. I'm finding it a battle. I have totally lost my desire to go at all.

 

Anyone have thoughts to snap me out of my pity party? I'm feeling so down today. :crying:

 

My kids don't have allergies but I certainly do feel for you. They don't feed snacks at the church where our sons attend AWANAS and I am good with that. My sons eat before they go. If they didn't eat before they went, a snack would not do the trick and they would not enjoy it as much because they would be hungry. ETA: Our AWANAS doesn't start until 6:45, which I think is kind of late.)

 

Any possibility they could do away with snacks at AWANAS completely? If not, I might write a note to the Cubbies leaders and explain the situation, empathize that it is a pain for everyone but also explain the life threatening situation that your daughter has and how scarey it can be if precautions are not taken. Maybe they can all chip in one time, one larger amount, for snacks for the entire semester/year, rather than weekly. Then nobody would have to think about snacks because you would already have the money and you would be taking care of it.

Edited October 16, 2012 by Lea in OK

[SereneHome]

I don't know if I can be much help as I am not familiar with churches and the dynamic of their groups, etc, but may be you could have a meeting/get-together, etc to explain to people what you are going through.

 

There will always be people who start whining and complaining the second they get a tiny bit "inconvenienced". I would remind them that it's life and they need to learn to deal with it, but you are probably much nicer than I am, sooo :)

 

Frankly, with an obesity epidemic we have going on, I think "snack" time should be eliminated as much as possible. I take my 2.5 yr old to a 50 minute class and 10 minutes is spend on "snack time". Are you kidding me???

 

So, may be mention that point as well?

 

Good luck to you!!!

[lexi]

Thanks for the replies. Some days the food allergies just get to me and I feel lost and overwhelmed.

 

I think the main problem is that we joined this church and then suddenly they are overhauling their leadership and their staff. Things are changing, people are changing, and roles are being shifted. The church is ridiculously over staffed and everyone seems happy to "pass the buck" of responsibility on to someone else. So, I never know who I'm supposed to deal with.

 

I suggested the no snack thing for SS and for AWANAs and was nearly crucified. They were utterly appalled. Our former church where we used to live had a no snack policy. It worked out wonderfully. None of the churches we visited here have that.

 

I guess I'm just sad because now that we've gotten involved in the church we've seen some of the inner workings and I'm not overly impressed. Not that I expect everyone to be perfect and flawless, but I'm just frustrated that people keep changing who I'm supposed to talk to.

 

The church members are also terribly lazy. Trying to get volunteers is a nightmare and I'm just :glare: at the lack of community. They just want a place to drop off their kid and take a break. I want my kids to get something out of it.

 

It was silly to let that little email bug me, but it does bug me. I'm tired of suggesting changes and trying to find solutions and then other people not coming through or being annoyed with me.

 

Last week for Bible study I got an urgent text at 4:30 AM from *one* of the directors saying she forgot to purchase snacks for my dd's room. Ok, I made sure I brought snacks for the whole class. This was 3 weeks after I sent them an approved snack list and they told me they were purchasing them.

 

So, I guess I'm just getting the impression that despite the warm welcome we initially received, no one really does care enough to get the job done.

 

I have made the decision to drop out of Bible study. But I was going to MOPS at this church as well. Now I don't want to do that either. But I hate that my kids can't participate. I wonder if they truly care though at their ages...........I don't know! :001_huh:

 

I just want to hole up in my house and play legos with my kids all day and make them safe cupcakes. I don't want to leave!!!

[lea1]

You would totally be treated well at our church. Though I am guessing you aren't even remotely close. :) We have an allergy free snack policy in our church.

 

I think this is what I would try to achieve, if my child had life threatening allergies. I would first talk to the person who is in charge of the children's ministry, explain the situation and propose this solution. Be prepared to explain what an allergy free snack policy means (I don't know:)). If that didn't work, I think I would move up the chain of command, presenting my case. They need to be reminded of how they would all feel if the unspeakable happened, after they refused to change their snack rules. They need to be asked, "Is it worth the risk of a child's life?". The seriousness of this really needs to be driven home.

 

If there was an accessible swimming pool and all kids but one could swim, I think they would all take steps to protect that one child, rather than just forgetting about that child and thinking everything would be OK.

 

I really hope you find a resolution to this. But I really think if you like the church and plan on staying there for a while, you should take it a step further so it is really resolved for the remainder of the time you are there, rather than just a bandaid that keeps having to be reapplied every time you turn around.

[dangermom]

Oh, I get you. :grouphug: Some people don't get it until they see it happen, and that's exactly what you want to avoid. It's very easy for them to get whiny and resentful, because they don't understand what's at stake, and don't really want to--they will minimize, call you paranoid, and bring up some random person somebody knew once whose kid didn't really have allergies, so you must be just like that.

 

(Personally I've had my paranoia drummed into me by the school of hard knocks, and I think it's an entirely appropriate response to the situation. Paranoia keeps my kid alive!)

 

Anyway. I like abolishing snack time. It's like asking asking Texans to give up guns ;) but it can be done: "We will no longer be providing snacks for the kids; it takes too much time and energy away from our real purpose. Please make sure they eat a full dinner before they come, and we won't need to!"

[Spryte]

:grouphug:

 

We have multiple LTFA here, too. The advocating and education aspect is exhausting. And living life on hyper alert... Oh my. There is just no way to explain it, is there?

 

Sometimes you just need to throw a good pity party before you can deal with people and situations.

 

We've been known to hole up at home with our safe cupcakes, too! ...If we were neighbors, I'd say let's meet at the park to play... No snacks! :)

 

:grouphug:

[NorthwestMom]

:grouphug:

 

Try to not own what isn't yours to own. People might be irritated but it is fair to change the policy for safety reasons. It is completely reasonable for some people to experience minor inconveniences to keep other people from DYING. Their kids will not DIE to miss one glass of milk, but yours might die if she has one. People do not like change, but the longer they live with it the easier it will be on them. They might as well get used to it at Awanas because they will soon experience it at school, sports, or playdates. It seems like the number of food allergies in the population seems to be increasing, not decreasing.

 

 

I know this isn't your main point, but It drives me INSANE when people bring kids to activities near mealtime without feeding them first. Snacks are not a replacement for a balanced meal, and kids can't concentrate if they are hungry.

 

ETA that I am not a food allergy mom, but I will positively support changing what we eat to keep other people healthy.

[Trish]

yeah, I don't see why SO MANY things that are not a meal seem like they have to have food associated with them. When my brothers did little league, there were no SNACKS. Now everywhere you go there's a snack, or a snack schedule, or a collection for snacks. And an obesity problem. Sigh. :grouphug:

[Sallie Mae]

So sorry for the lack of support. The co-op I am in has 74 families w/ approximately 200 kids. This is the first year we have had a family with severe food allergies, and it has been a learning experience. We had all the families fill out a form with information they wanted listed on each child's name tag, such as "Allergic: Peanuts" with additional information listed on the back such as "Mom has Epi Pen." We asked that no families bring peanut/nut foods for lunch - a few comments were made. We asked the mom of the family with severe allergies to share with our moms what it meant to deal with allergies. It was so helpful to learn what could happen with even a slight exposure to peanuts/dairy, etc. I had no idea that even hand soaps and baby wipes, handiwipes, etc. could cause a severe reaction. YIKES!

 

The mom who shared was very gracious in how she shared the information, and she has seemed happy to find a group that would accommodate her children's needs. All I could think of when she was sharing was how very blessed every mom is who doesn't have to deal with the burden of food allergies, and what kind of mom wouldn't want to protect a child from a potentially deadly food.

 

I think more and more churches are having to deal with the fact that these food allergies are not just preferences, and if they want those children who deal with the allergies to be a part of church activities, changes will need to be made. Change is never easy, but I can't imagine ignoring this need.

 

Hang in there Mama as you take care of your family and hopefully educate those around you.

[Mandy in TN]

I am truly sorry that the church may have misrepresented how accommodating they were able to be.

 

However, I wanted to address having a no snack policy. Most of us here do not work, so feeding kids and getting them somewhere at 5:30- 6:00 isn't a big deal. Other families don't have this situation. It seems harsh to judge others for not having the time to feed their children dinner before week night events.

 

When I was a working single parent, a 5:30 function would have been impossible as I didn't get off work until 5 and worked nearly 30 miles from the boys school. 6:00 was doable, but there was certainly no time to eat beforehand. So, if there were no snacks provided, we had to eat pre-packaged peanut butter and crackers or granola bars and juice boxes in the car, choose to go hungry, or choose not to go at all.

 

Anyway, I am certain that whatever I grabbed cheap off the shelf at the grocery store was not allergy safe and I'm sure they would go in with these products on their hands and faces. Frankly, at the time it didn't occur to me that a no snack policy might be in place due to food allergies. It seems that it would be safer to provide a snack that you know to be safe and just let people get used to it.

 

Mandy

[kitten18]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I am sooo sick of there being "snacks" at EVERY. SINGLE. ACTIVITY.

 

 

 

:grouphug:

 

 

ETA that I am not a food allergy mom, but I will positively support changing what we eat to keep other people healthy.

:iagree:

[besroma]

You would totally be treated well at our church. Though I am guessing you aren't even remotely close. :)

 

We have an allergy free snack policy in our church.

 

Would it be possible to have a policy like this started for your church?

 

You should not feel like this, especially at church!

 

I wonder if a smaller congregation would be more accommodating if you are unable to stay.

 

I have a large family with no food allergies, and I would not feel inconvenienced in any way by your child's needs. I would be thinking of how I could pray for you because I think what you have to deal with is so difficult. I am sorry people are being selfish. :grouphug:

[dbmamaz]

no life threatening allergies here, but multiple food allergies, different for each family member. I am SO irritated that almost every single event involves food. ok,i remember being young and loving eating with people, but now its just so hard! My teen's events are often schedule for dinner time and i'm told "Oh, we'll just buy a pizza. I think they have gluten free pizza, dont they?" um, a few places do and it costs twice as much for half as much . . .

 

at the park, everyone always brings food, no matter what time of day it is. I can react air-borne to wheat so I have had to move away from tables when someone opens up a sandwich. there is one special needs child who almost always has crackers in her hand, which is fine, it keeps her from screaming, but then she tries to come give me a hug and she is just covered w/ slobber and wheat and I dont know what to do!

 

My younger one is so picky, he really doesnt care about not being able to eat what is around most of the time, but my teen gets really emotional about it. I often have to make pizza and cupcakes to send with my boys when they are invited to go somewhere, its such a pita!

 

But the robotics thing is the worst, for me - regular meetings are 4-6, but they said sometimes they will run later, 30 minutes from my house . . .and most of the kids go to another event right after, so they are ordering pizza almost every single week. the other week, my husband showed up to take my son home for dinner, and they had bought some chinese food for him to eat because they felt bad for him . . . . um, why are you feeding my son dinner while i'm at home making him dinner?! The woman who runs that is a single mom who seems to always have fast food with her wherever she goes . . which is fine, but

 

yeah, i just want to stay home and eat our own food. sigh.

[Julie in CA]

We have an allergy free snack policy in our church.

Maybe you can help with this then--what snacks are allergy-free?

What's allergy-free for one person is totally the wrong thing for another. *Is* there any safe food? :bigear:

[lexi]

Maybe you can help with this then--what snacks are allergy-free?

What's allergy-free for one person is totally the wrong thing for another. *Is* there any safe food? :bigear:

 

I have been bringing snacks. But I probably won't be reimbursed for all of them.

 

And yes, what's allergy free for one kid is not for another! Many people do NOT understand that.

[Home'scool]

I am sorry you are dealing with this and it is getting you down.

 

Perhaps, like with anything else, a little education will help people act less like ignorant fools? Maybe a general meeting of all the adults involved to explain the situation and ask for their buy-in? Or a flyer that gets distributed that explains it all?

 

I know practically nothing about food allergies and I am sure there are others out there in a similiar position. Maybe explaining the circumstance will clear up that you are not just trying to inconvenience people but are accommodating your child in a necessary way. Nobody would gripe about making adjustments to someone who was old, or disabled, but those things are obvious to the eye. Maybe a little enlightenment would help them be more understanding.

:grouphug:

[cara]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I just want to give you hugs. Your post is the reason I haven't even started looking at churches. I just don't want to deal with the food drama of having kids with multiple food allergies can cause.