Tess in the Burbs Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 So my inlaws are coming. At least they told us this time. The arrival has been discussed between the men and agreed upon as a Thursday. SO I am thinking lunch time. But it was slipped in that MIL wants to arrive Wed night at midnight. First, that day is super busy for us so getting ready for company that day is impossible. Arriving Thursday allows me the morning to clean up. Second, we go to bed by 10pm and dh has to get up early for work....so I am trying to email and say we can't wait to see you and be clear that THursday is the expected arrival time. And be polite about it. :tongue_smilie: So far I have this: ____ said you are coming to visit and we are looking forward to seeing you. He said you are arriving Thursday the 30th. We have a smaller space for the guest bed than our last house, but it should work fine. I will have the school stuff put away by lunch time that day. So that kinda makes it clear that by lunch time your guest area is available, right????:001_huh: Should I be more clear that showing up Wed night is wrong on many levels plus just not ok for our schedule? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snickerdoodle Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 What you have written is great. You could add, "I'm so glad you're not coming Weds. as our schedule is so crazy on that day." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 I think you need to spell it out very very clearly. Anyone who would consider dropping in on you at midnight — without even asking in advance — is not going to respond to subtlety! Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 So far I have this: ____ said you are coming to visit and we are looking forward to seeing you. He said you are arriving Thursday the 30th. We have a smaller space for the guest bed than our last house, but it should work fine. I will have the school stuff put away by lunch time that day. So that kinda makes it clear that by lunch time your guest area is available, right????:001_huh: Should I be more clear that showing up Wed night is wrong on many levels plus just not ok for our schedule? That's subtle. Are you from the south? Virginia. I guess so. I've never understood southern subtlety or Chinese subtlety. (I tried to be friends with a Chinese woman who barely spoke English and I totally missed her subtle clues that she wasn't interested for a number of weeks. Very awkward.) ____ said you are coming to visit and we are looking forward to seeing you. He said you are arriving Thursday the 30th. We have a smaller space for the guest bed than our last house, but it should work fine. We won't be ready for you until lunchtime, but any time from noon forward is great. I'd add the bolded line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 What you have written is great. You could add, "I'm so glad you're not coming Weds. as our schedule is so crazy on that day." :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 I think you need to spell it out very very clearly. Anyone who would consider dropping in on you at midnight — without even asking in advance — is not going to respond to subtlety! Jackie ITA! Wow, that's crazy. I see nothing rude in saying, "I thought I heard ____ say that you were planning to arrive at midnight on Wednesday. I just want to clarify that, because everyone will be asleep and unable to receive you at that time. We would really love for you to arrive at our house at noon (or after) on Thursday; that way we can finish up our work in the morning and be able to focus on our visit. Will that time work for you?" Good luck. I'd have a cow if I found my MIL on the doorstep at midnight on a weekday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snickerdoodle Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 ____ said you are coming to visit and we are looking forward to seeing you. He said you are arriving Thursday the 30th. We have a smaller space for the guest bed than our last house, but it should work fine. We won't be ready for you until lunchtime, but any time from noon forward is great. I'd add the bolded line. I like this better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2myboys Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 What you wrote is very polite, but could be more clear. I like the suggestion to include something about your busy day on Wednesday and then make it clear that you are looking forward to their arrival any time after noon (or whatever works for you). You may even need to state that you are unavailable before then. Some people may not be bothered by the state of your house or whether you are in the middle of something and would not realize that it would bother you if they arrived before having things ready. Maybe something like. "We are so grateful that you are coming on Thursday instead of Wednesday, which is a busy day for us. We will be looking forward to your arrival on Thursday afternoon any time after (insert time that works for you.)" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted August 17, 2012 Author Share Posted August 17, 2012 :iagree: Ok, I went with this b/c honestly, it's how I would said it in person. At least we know about this trip.....many years ago I figured out they were coming to town when the entire family wasn't answering the phone one day....and yes, it was almost midnight when they showed up. I figured it out at 11:30pm. Who does that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 Well mine ALWAYS arrange a flight that is at a crazy time. They don't even ask :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2myboys Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 ITA! Wow, that's crazy. I see nothing rude in saying, "I thought I heard ____ say that you were planning to arrive at midnight on Wednesday. I just want to clarify that, because everyone will be asleep and unable to receive you at that time. We would really love for you to arrive at our house at noon (or after) on Thursday; that way we can finish up our work in the morning and be able to focus on our visit. Will that time work for you?" Good luck. I'd have a cow if I found my MIL on the doorstep at midnight on a weekday. Perfect! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted August 17, 2012 Author Share Posted August 17, 2012 well, knowing them they wouldn't wait until noon. When ds was born we told them to come 2 days after the birth b/c my mom was there. We lived 2800 miles from family. So you had to fly. They ignored our request, showed up the day after the birth and we had to tell them we had no space for them to stay b/c my mom was there for 2 days. They got mad and flew back home. :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UmMusa Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 I think you need to spell it out very very clearly. Anyone who would consider dropping in on you at midnight — without even asking in advance — is not going to respond to subtlety! Jackie true Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 I'd have your husband follow through with a phone call, since they are his parents. If the visit is a rare occurrence, and the logistics were tricky, I (*me, personally*) would be irritated, but would not protest too much. My inlaws had a flight that got in about 10:30, at an airport over an hour away. It wasn't ideal, but I couldn't imagine asking them to get a hotel and not come until lunchtime the following day. For one thing, their bruised feelings would balance out our well rested selves. :lol: Instead we all went to bed at 12 and were crabby the next day (but happy to be together again). ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cin Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 I'd have your husband follow through with a phone call, since they are his parents. If the visit is a rare occurrence, and the logistics were tricky, I (*me, personally*) would be irritated, but would not protest too much. My inlaws had a flight that got in about 10:30, at an airport over an hour away. It wasn't ideal, but I couldn't imagine asking them to get a hotel and not come until lunchtime the following day. For one thing, their bruised feelings would balance out our well rested selves. :lol: Instead we all went to bed at 12 and were crabby the next day (but happy to be together again). ;) :iagree: EXCEPT for the fact that they sound like the type that demonstrate boundary & entitlement issues. As a result of previous visits, it sounds like you need to be clear, to the point of being rude. Because they Just. Don't. Get it. And the tantrum they had when DS was born indicates that it is THEIR way or the highway. So making it clear as glass at least allows you (and them, subconsciously) to know that it was clearly stated, and that THEY were in the wrong. And gives you 'ammo' if they don't like the way things are going. ('I told you Wed. were crazy around here!') I miss my parents in in-laws. Sometimes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momma aimee Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 So my inlaws are coming. At least they told us this time. The arrival has been discussed between the men and agreed upon as a Thursday. SO I am thinking lunch time. But it was slipped in that MIL wants to arrive Wed night at midnight. First, that day is super busy for us so getting ready for company that day is impossible. Arriving Thursday allows me the morning to clean up. Second, we go to bed by 10pm and dh has to get up early for work....so I am trying to email and say we can't wait to see you and be clear that THursday is the expected arrival time. And be polite about it. :tongue_smilie: So far I have this: ____ said you are coming to visit and we are looking forward to seeing you. He said you are arriving Thursday the 30th. We have a smaller space for the guest bed than our last house, but it should work fine. I will have the school stuff put away by lunch time that day. So that kinda makes it clear that by lunch time your guest area is available, right????:001_huh: Should I be more clear that showing up Wed night is wrong on many levels plus just not ok for our schedule? how about "You picked a great day, Thursday, Wedensay is so crazy here..." or "I can plan a late lunch for Thursday afternoon; after your arrival" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cosmos Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 That's subtle. Are you from the south? Virginia. I guess so. I've never understood southern subtlety or Chinese subtlety. (I tried to be friends with a Chinese woman who barely spoke English and I totally missed her subtle clues that she wasn't interested for a number of weeks. Very awkward.) ____ said you are coming to visit and we are looking forward to seeing you. He said you are arriving Thursday the 30th. We have a smaller space for the guest bed than our last house, but it should work fine. We won't be ready for you until lunchtime, but any time from noon forward is great. I'd add the bolded line. :iagree: With some folks, skip the subtlety and just be direct. Direct doesn't mean impolite. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennyD Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 Can't your husband call his mother and say, "Mom! You can't arrive at MIDNIGHT! I get up early for work, remember?! Everyone here goes to bed by 10. Midnight is the MIDDLE of the NIGHT! Why don't you come on Thursday afternoon after lunch -- that way Tess can do her morning thing with the kids and then you all can hang out in the afternoon before I get home from work." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMA Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 That's subtle. Are you from the south? Virginia. I guess so. I've never understood southern subtlety or Chinese subtlety. (I tried to be friends with a Chinese woman who barely spoke English and I totally missed her subtle clues that she wasn't interested for a number of weeks. Very awkward.) ____ said you are coming to visit and we are looking forward to seeing you. He said you are arriving Thursday the 30th. We have a smaller space for the guest bed than our last house, but it should work fine. We won't be ready for you until lunchtime, but any time from noon forward is great. I'd add the bolded line. Except they could take that to arrive at midnight. I have relatives who would think that and come at midnight. I think a time frame is needed, such as noon to 7?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 Can't your husband call his mother and say, "Mom! You can't arrive at MIDNIGHT! I get up early for work, remember?! Everyone here goes to bed by 10. Midnight is the MIDDLE of the NIGHT! Why don't you come on Thursday afternoon after lunch -- that way Tess can do her morning thing with the kids and then you all can hang out in the afternoon before I get home from work." :iagree: ABSOLUTELY! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 That's subtle. Are you from the south? Virginia. I guess so. I've never understood southern subtlety or Chinese subtlety. (I tried to be friends with a Chinese woman who barely spoke English and I totally missed her subtle clues that she wasn't interested for a number of weeks. Very awkward.) ____ said you are coming to visit and we are looking forward to seeing you. He said you are arriving Thursday the 30th. We have a smaller space for the guest bed than our last house, but it should work fine. We won't be ready for you until lunchtime, but any time from noon forward is great. I'd add the bolded line. :lol: I'm a northerner and that was my thought, too, "she must be from the south". I'd just politely say what I mean. There is nothing wrong with being direct. It clears up a lot of miscommunication. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 (edited) That's subtle. Are you from the south? Virginia. I guess so. I've never understood southern subtlety or Chinese subtlety. (I tried to be friends with a Chinese woman who barely spoke English and I totally missed her subtle clues that she wasn't interested for a number of weeks. Very awkward.) ____ said you are coming to visit and we are looking forward to seeing you. He said you are arriving Thursday the 30th. We have a smaller space for the guest bed than our last house, but it should work fine. We won't be ready for you until lunchtime, but any time from noon forward is great. I'd add the bolded line. Yes. This is better. My inlaws are southerners and we drive each other crazy - I am too direct, which they see as rude; they are too indirect, which I see as - rude! After 17 years we are still trying to figure each other out. I would be very clear about your expectations. ETA: These are your husband's parents, so he should be the one communicating on this. Edited August 17, 2012 by marbel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amey311 Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 how about "You picked a great day, Thursday, Wedensay is so crazy here..." or "I can plan a late lunch for Thursday afternoon; after your arrival" I think the problem with this and the OP is that they leave room for the guest to say, "oh, we don't mind getting in really late" or similar. The OP mentioned that they'd be done with schooling at noon. That's terrific. We'll just sleep late (what with getting in a midnight) and then have slow coffee while you guys finish up. See? You all are trying to phrase it in a way to make things easier for your guests (which is lovely), but they'll just say they don't care. Like, if I say, "Oh, after lunchtime would be best - I'll need the morning to tidy up!" YOu could say, "We don't mind the mess! Plus the kids will probably undo any tidying. I'll bring lunch with me and then you don't have to worry about that." OR whatever. When really you want to say "We can play after 1." Are the in-laws flying in? Because I can completely see that they're going to balk about not arriving until noon on Thursday if they've already purchased tickets, so if DH is really going to put his foot down, I'd have the name of a hotel near the house on hand for that call. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsBasil Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 * Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 Well mine come at crazy times, but I don't really mind I guess. They come once a year, and I know they are also searching for best priced tickets so I don't really want to say no if it saves them money. They are on a very tight budget. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted August 17, 2012 Author Share Posted August 17, 2012 Can't your husband call his mother and say, "Mom! You can't arrive at MIDNIGHT! I get up early for work, remember?! Everyone here goes to bed by 10. Midnight is the MIDDLE of the NIGHT! Why don't you come on Thursday afternoon after lunch -- that way Tess can do her morning thing with the kids and then you all can hang out in the afternoon before I get home from work." Well that would require dh and parents communicating better than the first conversation ;-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rawbanana Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 You've gotten all great responses on here. I'm sure they'll get the hint! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UmMusa Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 Curious about how it went down! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 Well mine come at crazy times, but I don't really mind I guess. They come once a year, and I know they are also searching for best priced tickets so I don't really want to say no if it saves them money. They are on a very tight budget. When I was a kid, we always arrived at the homes of distant family late at night. We couldn't leave until my dad was off work at 5 or 6, then it was a 5 or 6 hour drive... Family was so glad to see us it didn't matter though. But, then, we are Southern LOL. I would just let the kids sleep late the next morning and tell everyone that brunch was at 10:30. But then I don't keep a regular schedule when out of towners visit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.