Are we old-fashioned or would you be upset by this??

[Jennay]

I'm not shocked that it was allowed. My very conservative parents and DH's very conservative parents allowed co-ed sleepovers after prom back in the 90s (we were HS sweethearts). They even cooked us breakfast.

I think they were a little naive.

[LucyStoner]

I would have been expected to be told but quite frankly, I would not have an issue with it. I was raised in a very devout but progressive home and co-ed sleepovers were not at all uncommon. Perhaps it is because I believe that platonic friendship is possible across genders or perhaps because I observed much more hanky panky going on between the kids from very conservative families who kept their kids segregated by gender most of the time, I am in favor of kids having their friends over regardless of gender. In highschool, I frequently slept over at the houses of friends, some girls and some boys. Nothing sexual in nature ever happened- we were in a group most of the time, not pairs. Never played spin the bottle even. We did go skinny dipping graduation night in the pitch dark but again, no sex and none of these skinny dipping friends from hippie high ever got pregnant in high school (compared to multiple pregnancies of couples in my church camp.)

 

There was one guy who liked to have me over because even though we were not involved his dad was relieved to see a girl around (sorta dumb, because the boy was and is gay.) I did stay over there sometimes with a third person, sometimes alone. We were obviously not doing anything sexual. We were doing homework and watching movies and riding bikes. Kid stuff.

 

Also, I can't really assume that same sex sleepovers are purely platonic all of the time.

Edited August 11, 2012 by kijipt

[hsmom2011]

Wow! I would be very upset! This is why we don't do sleepovers, you just never know. :confused:

[ByGrace3]

I would have been shocked and very upset.

[ocelotmom]

I would probably casually ask them to give me some warning next time, but I wouldn't be particularly upset. I'm another who has been to co-ed sleepovers that were perfectly innocent. In fact, I've been to co-ed sleepovers that were utterly unsupervised where I was attracted to and later ended up dating one of the guys there AND I had no religious hangups whatsoever, and nothing happened.

 

I see a couple unsupervised during daytime hours as much more risky than a co-ed sleepover, when you come down to it. You don't have to wait until dark to make tea.

[Jenny in Florida]

I have seen/known of questionable things happening...

 

Sure, but those same things can happen anywhere and pretty much any time.

[Jenny in Florida]

yep, I agree

 

But I'm not going to go out of my way to encourage them...

 

And I think this is where I differ from a lot of folks on this thread. I think that fostering normal, healthy, friendly relationships with people of both genders may very well actually discourage the kind of behaviors about which I think you and some others are hinting.

[Catwoman]

You should have been informed. Whether others would be okay with this senario or not is not the point. You being informed and being able to choose whether or not YOU are okay with it is. Even if it happened spur of the moment, which is not likely, you still should have been told.

 

:iagree:

 

Yes. This. Exactly.

Edited August 11, 2012 by Catwoman

[Catwoman]

And I think this is where I differ from a lot of folks on this thread. I think that fostering normal, healthy, friendly relationships with people of both genders may very well actually discourage the kind of behaviors about which I think you and some others are hinting.

 

I don't think anyone has said that they didn't encourage friendships with people of both genders.

[Jenny in Florida]

I don't think anyone has said that they didn't encourage friendships with people of both genders.

 

It's the artificial line that bugs me, I think, the idea that having friends of the opposite gender is all fine and dandy except that we're going to draw special lines to keep you apart because we don't trust teens.

 

And, as others have said, it's pretty silly to think that all same-sex sleepovers must be innocent.

[Anne Rittenhouse]

I agree that you should have been informed so that you could make the right decision for your family. You are not being old fashioned. That said, given that there were four of them and in one room, I'd say odds are that nothing serious happened.

We are in a much different situation and our son has traveled with his companions, both boys and girls, all through out Europe for competitions. I don't worry. These kids have been together since being 12 and 13. They have shared alot of personnal stuff due to training conditions, not one of them is interested in each other after coming in from racing. Food yes! Each other no.

[Catwoman]

It's the artificial line that bugs me, I think, the idea that having friends of the opposite gender is all fine and dandy except that we're going to draw special lines to keep you apart because we don't trust teens.

 

And, as others have said, it's pretty silly to think that all same-sex sleepovers must be innocent.

 

I don't think anyone is drawing an artificial line just because they don't want their 15 year olds at co-ed sleepovers.

 

And I do believe that a whole lot more same-sex sleepovers are innocent than are the co-ed sleepovers.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

I would be upset/shocked. And I'm not old fashioned by any stretch of the imagination.

 

:iagree::iagree:

[Jenny in Florida]

I don't think anyone is drawing an artificial line just because they don't want their 15 year olds at co-ed sleepovers.

 

You're absolutely entitled to your opinion, of course.

 

My point about the line being artificial is that if we begin from the idea that we want our kids to genuinely be friends with people of both genders and acknowledge that sleepovers are a common way for teens to socialize, it seems pretty arbitrary to me to proclaim that friends who are boys (or girls) must be treated differently simple because of their gender.

 

I respect that you think differently about this issue. I started down this road only to try and explain that those of us who allow mixed-gender sleepovers might not be lacking values. Some of us have values we hold dearly that are simply different from yours.

[Catwoman]

You're absolutely entitled to your opinion, of course.

 

My point about the line being artificial is that if we begin from the idea that we want our kids to genuinely be friends with people of both genders and acknowledge that sleepovers are a common way for teens to socialize, it seems pretty arbitrary to me to proclaim that friends who are boys (or girls) must be treated differently simple because of their gender.

 

I respect that you think differently about this issue. I started down this road only to try and explain that those of us who allow mixed-gender sleepovers might not be lacking values. Some of us have values we hold dearly that are simply different from yours.

 

Actually, I never said I disagreed with you. :D

 

Personally, I have no problem with co-ed sleepovers, if all of the parents are OK with it. My only issue was that I thought the OP should have been informed about it before her ds attended one. I'm sure most parents aren't clueless enough to think that no one would ever object to a co-ed sleepover, so I think they should have mentioned it to the kids' parents beforehand, in case anyone had a problem with it.

 

I don't think this is an issue of the "values you hold dearly," just as I don't think the parents who prefer not to have their kids attend co-ed sleepovers are somehow misguided.

 

I honestly think this is an issue of how well you know your dc, their friends, and their parents, because I know of specific situations where 7th graders had co-ed sleepovers, and the primary reason those kids were there was to have s*x. I also know another family who lets both boys and girls sleep over at their house, and everything is innocent. It has a lot to do with the personalities of the kids, but has even more to do with the level of parental supervision.

 

We haven't had any reason to worry about this sort of thing, because my ds12 has never been invited to a co-ed sleepover, but considering some of the raunchy behavior we have heard about from friends who have pre-teens and teenagers in our town, I would have to know the parents and the other kids incredibly well before I would even remotely consider it. (But I should also admit that I would need to know the parents well before I'd agree to let my ds sleep over at anyone's house. Fortunately for me, right now, he has no interest in sleeping at anyone else's house.)

Edited August 11, 2012 by Catwoman

[Jenny in Florida]

My only issue was that I thought the OP should have been informed about it before her ds attended one.

 

And I agreed with that in my first post.

[jujsky]

I'd be upset if I didn't know about it ahead of time. Whether or not I allowed my child to stay over would depend on why the girls were staying, who they were, if they were GFs or just friends, and how much supervision they'd receive.

[Jenny in Florida]

It has a lot to do with the personalities of the kids, but has even more to do with the level of parental supervision.

 

 

So, you wouldn't draw the arbitrary "no co-ed sleepovers, ever" line many of the other posters advocated, anyway.

[Catwoman]

And I agreed with that in my first post.

 

Then why are we both still here when we've got cupcakes and manscaping to talk about in the other threads? :D

[Catwoman]

So, you wouldn't draw the arbitrary "no co-ed sleepovers, ever" line many of the other posters advocated, anyway.

 

No, not at all. There are too many variables to make a blanket decision like that.

 

Sorry if I wasn't clear about that earlier on. :001_smile:

 

Now I'm off to the cupcakes!

[TranquilMind]

Jenny in Florida: Here's what I think is bugging me about this: It's the implication that parents who allow appropriately supervised co-ed sleepovers are lacking "values," that they are somehow contributing to the decline of society.

 

It's not about "lacking" values. It is about different values. I'm sure I value some things that aren't important to you and vice versa. I think community standards used to be more aligned, or maybe we just used to have fewer choices. I don't know.

 

 

(As in, "In my day, such a thing would never happen. Humph." And, yes, I got that you were being lighthearted, but there is definitely that tone in a lot of the comments.)

 

 

It really would NOT have happened. Not in my small town in the 70's, anyway. That doesn't make it better or worse. Maybe well-supervised coed sleepovers like Remuda mentioned would be better...who knows? Take the mystery out of it and all that.

 

I don't understand what it is some parents think will happen during a sleepover that couldn't -- and doesn't -- happen any time teens are hanging out together.

 

Oh come on. Really? You don't understand what it is about teens lying together on the floor late at night when parents are asleep that might be tempting?

 

Hmmmm. I want some of YOUR self-control. I sure didn't have it.

 

 

I guess I also don't subscribe to the theory that young adults are so untrustworthy, so without judgement, so dangerous that they cannot be left in a room with members of the opposite sex while parents are present.

 

 

Left in a room? Sure. Happens all the time. Left in a room overnight alone with just each other? Not something I would think is a good idea in general. Are Mom and Dad in the room? Well, maybe, then.

 

(I'm also not naive enough to assume that same-sex pairings are necessarily "safe" if left unsupervised, by the way.)

 

 

 

No freaking kidding. Not today. I sure have heard a few things about that, and read them too.

 

 

The funny thing is that my daughter is, in many ways, the poster child for "values." She's 17 and has never been on a date. She's never kissed a boy except in character on stage. She doesn't drink or smoke or do any drugs. And we're as proud of her as we could possibly be. And I wouldn't hesitate for 10 seconds to allow her to attend a co-ed sleepover at the home of parents I knew and trusted. I wouldn't have been bothered by it when she was 14, either.

 

 

Well, good for you. My daughter has only kissed one, and is almost 16. But I wouldn't advise her to attend a co-ed sleepover. It's just not something I think is a good idea. Besides, I know her. At 14, no way.

 

Interestingly, it's my son who has hosted the co-ed sleepovers in our house. One of his best friends is a girl, and we have the whole group over here to spend the night a few times a year. My daughter sometimes hangs out with them, too, and we had another girl -- member of the same church youth group in which my son participates -- spend the night with the group another time. They've also done church lock-ins together.

 

These are good kids. But it's not like we send them off behind a closed door and retire to a different wing of the house. The living room is a pretty open area, and we leave our door open, at the very least. Occasionally, I've stayed awake until the wee hours just to make my presence known.

 

They are friends. That's it. I actually think making a big deal about the "danger" involved in this situation is more likely to be a problem than just keeping an eye on them quietly. I want my kids to be comfortable around both genders. I want them to be able to interact naturally with people of the opposite gender, to be able to be friends and co-workers without constant worry that "something might happen."

 

I guess those are my values.

 

 

Well, that's great and it sounds like it works for you. But I wouldn't assume every other parent would or should be fine with it and you need not even mention it, which is what this thread was about. I only mentioned that this would not have even been imagined back when I was a teen. That's all.

[MamaSheep]

I haven't read all the other replies, so I have no idea where I'm jumping into this discussion, but I would not have been okay with that arrangement, and my son would have received consequences for not calling to have us pick him up when he realized that's what the arrangements were going to be (moreso if he knew about it in advance and intentionally withheld the information). Ds knows our family's rules and standards, and he would be aware that both the mixed company and the absence of parents would have violated them.

 

I don't know if we're more strict or old-fashioned than the general populace, and I don't particularly care. If you live at my house and eat my food, dem's da rules, kid.

[Wheres Toto]

Here's what I think is bugging me about this: It's the implication that parents who allow appropriately supervised co-ed sleepovers are lacking "values," that they are somehow contributing to the decline of society. (As in, "In my day, such a thing would never happen. Humph." And, yes, I got that you were being lighthearted, but there is definitely that tone in a lot of the comments.)

 

I don't understand what it is some parents think will happen during a sleepover that couldn't -- and doesn't -- happen any time teens are hanging out together. I guess I also don't subscribe to the theory that young adults are so untrustworthy, so without judgement, so dangerous that they cannot be left in a room with members of the opposite sex while parents are present.

 

 

(I'm also not naive enough to assume that same-sex pairings are necessarily "safe" if left unsupervised, by the way.)

 

The funny thing is that my daughter is, in many ways, the poster child for "values." She's 17 and has never been on a date. She's never kissed a boy except in character on stage. She doesn't drink or smoke or do any drugs. And we're as proud of her as we could possibly be. And I wouldn't hesitate for 10 seconds to allow her to attend a co-ed sleepover at the home of parents I knew and trusted. I wouldn't have been bothered by it when she was 14, either.

 

Interestingly, it's my son who has hosted the co-ed sleepovers in our house. One of his best friends is a girl, and we have the whole group over here to spend the night a few times a year. My daughter sometimes hangs out with them, too, and we had another girl -- member of the same church youth group in which my son participates -- spend the night with the group another time. They've also done church lock-ins together.

 

These are good kids. But it's not like we send them off behind a closed door and retire to a different wing of the house. The living room is a pretty open area, and we leave our door open, at the very least. Occasionally, I've stayed awake until the wee hours just to make my presence known.

 

They are friends. That's it. I actually think making a big deal about the "danger" involved in this situation is more likely to be a problem than just keeping an eye on them quietly. I want my kids to be comfortable around both genders. I want them to be able to interact naturally with people of the opposite gender, to be able to be friends and co-workers without constant worry that "something might happen."

 

I guess those are my values.

 

:iagree: My oldest is very close friends with both boys and girls. She's not interested in dating the boys, in fact she refers to some of them as "like my little brother" even though they're the same age. :lol: They have had co-ed sleepovers among their group at various houses. None of them are paired up, they hang-out, watch movies, play games and it's completely platonic.

[Catwoman]

They have had co-ed sleepovers among their group at various houses. None of them are paired up, they hang-out, watch movies, play games and it's completely platonic.

 

I think it's great if that's what happens with your dd's friends, but I also think it's very possible that some parents are incredibly naive.

 

Some kids lie.

 

"It's nothing, Mom -- we're all just friends. We hang out and play video games all night."

 

That's what a teenager I know told his mom, too... until she found out that the kids were all lying to their parents. They often slept over at a particular friend's house, and let's just say that those parents didn't exactly supervise anything that was going on... and then one night, a new kid slept over, panicked at what was going on (s*x and other things the kids shouldn't have been doing or using) and let's just say that the kids finally fessed up after the new kid's parents informed all of the other parents about what had really been going on there.

 

So I'm not saying that co-ed sleepovers can't be fun and innocent; I'm just saying that you should never assume that they will be, and that you need to know that the parents will be at home AND SUPERVISING what's going on.

 

Even the sweetest, nicest, most innocent kid can be tempted, so I think that we, as parents, need to be careful and aware.

[Tammyla]

I would be shocked and upset that the parents didn't make sure you knew.

[godsaggie]

Ummmm...no way! I would NEVER allow a co-ed sleepover with teenagers! Ummmm...hello? How naive are those parents? They all slept in the living room? Shock and awe coming from me. :glare:

[Trish]

Wow, that's just asking for trouble.

[Mrs Mungo]

So, you wouldn't draw the arbitrary "no co-ed sleepovers, ever" line many of the other posters advocated, anyway.

 

I said that friends of the opposite sex would not be staying the night in my house. But, I was really referring to the type of context described in the OP. We had an all-night graduation party that was co-ed. But, it was was a huge group, was supervised by parents and nobody really slept. That is a *very* different scenario than the scenario in the OP.

[SnowWhite]

When I was a teen, I was AMAZED that a family who hosted a girl sleep-over made their sons go elsewhere for the night. That, I think, was overkill.

 

The norm when I was growing up was separate sleeping arrangements for boys/girls. So either the boys or the girls should have retired to a bedroom for the night, leaving the living room for the opposite gender.

 

It's not so much that both boys and girls were there overnight, it's that there were two boys and two girls all sleeping in the living room. It's also that the parents left while the kids were still there. I'm not comfy with this arrangement.

[Caroline]

When I was a teen, I was AMAZED that a family who hosted a girl sleep-over made their sons go elsewhere for the night. That, I think, was overkill.

 

The norm when I was growing up was separate sleeping arrangements for boys/girls. So either the boys or the girls should have retired to a bedroom for the night, leaving the living room for the opposite gender.

 

It's not so much that both boys and girls were there overnight, it's that there were two boys and two girls all sleeping in the living room. It's also that the parents left while the kids were still there. I'm not comfy with this arrangement.

 

I bet that was to protect the boys from being accused of something they did not do.

[SnowWhite]

I bet that was to protect the boys from being accused of something they did not do.

 

In retrospect you are likely right. At the time, I was wondering how suspicious a parent could possibly be!

[JenniferB]

Totally unacceptable!