DianeW88 Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 I'm so sorry. :grouphug: I can't imagine how difficult it must be, so there's no way I would be judgemental. Hoping you can find answers to help heal your family soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 :grouphug: My heart aches for you, I can only imagine what you must have gone through to get to this point. We love our children with such intensity, even when they make it so hard for us. I have a boy, my eldest, who has never been homeschooled, and I know, if we ever even attempted it, it would end in tears. He thrives at school, and our relationship is now quite good, but it hasn't always been that way. There have been times I've felt my heart would break over him, but since then there has been a lot of healing on both our parts, and there is now love and appreciation of each other. :grouphug: Do pm me if you want anyone to 'talk' to, I'm very happy to be there for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serene Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 It is summer. putting him in school will not help you right now, which is what it is sounding like you need. What about a camp or something for summer? Maybe even putting him in a daycare for the day during the summer? Maybe some space and working on behaviors could help you out. If you feel like this now what will it be like when school starts? That is a while away! :iagree: :grouphug: It sounds like you need some time away *immediately*, just to breathe & refresh yourself. Is that possible? Or are there any friends that your ds can spend a few nights with? Praying for you & your family :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer in MI Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 OH man. No judgment here. My oldest IS that child. To say he was a challenge would be an understatement. He did get easier. From about 9 - 15. He did his schoolwork without too much fuss. He did his chores. He helped out with his siblings. Now at 16, he's a challenge again. A really difficult challenge. I actually told my dh that I didn't want to be a mom anymore. I really think he would be happier if I weren't here. Isn't that awful? He's been horrible. Disrespectful. Mean to me. Outside of the house, he seems like the perfect child. I have no answers. But, know you aren't alone. We have some decisions to make about our homeschooling because my other kids need a mom who isn't constantly on edge. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Penny_P Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I put my dd in ps after one year of hs. She's still difficult and the academics aren't what I would chose, but our homelife has been much better. The break IS nice. I've been able to focus on my other two kiddos while she is there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 I think your dh may be on the right track. Some breathing room for now. I'm so sorry for your struggles. :grouphug: :iagree: No flames here. I'm so sorry it's so hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 :grouphug: I'm so sorry. Mine is 6yo. Other than that, I could have written your post. Sometimes, I think I must be insane. We've recently decided to look into meds despite how violently opposed we were to them. But, we have another 6 months before we can get in to see the doctor. Meanwhile, I've medicated myself for anxiety. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Nothing needs to be a permanent arrangement in terms of schooling choices. Perhaps trying school and getting that break is what you all need? If he acts so differently with strangers, he may thrive there which would be a blessing and - again - a much needed break for you. The other kids may resent him now because they realize how much of your time he occupies and how much of your patience he depletes. He, himself, is probably not happy either. I would try school and see what happens. You can always take him back home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 No flames here. I have two that have adhd+ other dxs. It is hard. If your ds does have some issues then they will probably get worse. I was told that most issues come to a head at 8 -11. Mine do take meds, but I am also getting ready to take one of mine for weekly counseling. Mothering is hard, hard work. On the other hand my 14ds is maturing and doing so much better. Take a break and reevaluate later. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleIzumi Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: That makes perfect sense. A lot of kids with problems use all their effort to hold it together out in public, where consequences are unknown, and then relax/let their hair down at home, so the mom gets the full brunt of it. My dd is actually on a medication currently--she could hold it together for tiny amounts of time but not enough to ever do school, or even get through a day safely. Medication is helping a lot. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: That makes perfect sense. A lot of kids with problems use all their effort to hold it together out in public, where consequences are unknown, and then relax/let their hair down at home, so the mom gets the full brunt of it. My dd is actually on a medication currently--she could hold it together for tiny amounts of time but not enough to ever do school, or even get through a day safely. Medication is helping a lot. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 :grouphug: I agree with so many others. You need a break. Your son sounds like he needs professional help. Public school might be a good resource for you and him. I have always believed that my relationship with my children is more important than homeschooling. I sincerely hope that you all get the help you deserve. God Bless, Elise in NC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoggirl Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: so sorry. No words of advice. My ds was a real booger bear, not at age 8, but at 9. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Sigh, I just got done yelling at dd 11, again. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Do what you have to and don't ask for permission. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 I feel like I'm in some kind of parenting hell. Coming into the thread late, and I haven't read all the replies...I just had to quickly post that I could have written your post almost word for word 2 years ago. You will get no flaming AT ALL from me! There were days when I would pray that one of her friends would call to ask if she could come spend the night just so I could get a break from her. There were days when I would purposely avoid being in the same room with her. There were days that I would fake being sick so I could crawl into my bed when dh got home (because I was ashamed to admit to dh that I couldn't take her for one more minute). There were days that I would beg God to make me numb so that I could ignore her behavior. There were days when I would fantasize about how peaceful our family life would be without her around...that's really hard for me to see typed out, but I want you to know you are not a bad mother for having those feelings, and you are certainly not alone. My other dc are extremely well behaved. I am a very good parent (as I'm sure you are as well), but, at the time, none of my parenting skills worked with her. Things are good now. It took a long time, and it took realizing that she was very different, I couldn't parent her the same way as the others, I couldn't have the same expectations from her as I have of the others, and that I wasn't a bad mom. The biggest ah-ha moment was realizing that she was hurting, confused, and angry too. She had to heal, understand what was going on with her, start learning how to master her emotions, and how to take responsibility for her actions. She and I had to learn how to work together as a team to repair things and both had to learn how to not take every word or action said or done in anger or frustration as a personal attack. All that to say, do whatever you need to do to break the cycle you are both in and to start repairing the relationship. If that means ps for awhile then do it. What good is a great homeschool education if your relationship is horrid? Put some distance between you, give each other a break, take the added stress of being his teacher out of the picture. My heart goes out to you...I know what you're feeling and it sucks, but it will get better.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 We put one dd in school when she was 8. Life at home was unbearable. We did everything we could: counselling, medical tests, omega 3's, a special light for seasonal affective disorder. Nothing helped. She was just a tough one, but I think the resentment of everyone else in the house towards her due to her behavior eventually caused her to become seriously depressed. Depression in a child comes out as anger, raging, stirring things up. I could not make the decision to try medication without giving school a trial, so we did. She was a different person immediately. She was kept busy so she couldn't dwell on her negative thoughts, and for the first time in a long time, people liked her and were giving her positive feedback. Sad, but true. Because the rest of us had a break, we could relax and be happy to see her when she got home. Our days are so peaceful now. Yes, there are times when it's rough after school, because it takes a lot to hold it together, but overall, it's a great improvement. At school, her teacher calls her a model of good behavior and tells me she's great example for her peers. Hello? Are we talking about the same child? I think if you're not ready to get a psychiatric evaluation for ADHD or a mood disorder and do a trial of medication, it may be better to go along with what your dh wants. I'm sure he loves you and is worried about all the stress. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bzymom Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Lots of :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: and hope for a path that helps your son and heals your relationship. You are doing more than most could already. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twinmami01 Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2cents Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 No judgements. Just :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I hope you can find what works for you. What works is the right thing. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garddwr Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 :grouphug: Putting him in school for now might help. Getting a psychological evaluation would definitely be a priority. I have a sister with BPD, and one of the fun characteristics of that disorder is that those who have it can behave wonderfully around the general public but miserably towards those who are close to them. It makes life really, really hard for their family members (of course, life is really, really, really hard for them). Not trying to diagnose your ds at all, just want you to know there are psychological conditions that lead to such diametrically opposed behavior patterns. And there are treatments that can help. --Sarah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 I know that school is not the answer to fix his behavior, but dh says that at least I'll get a break 5 days a week. As it stands I deal with his behavior every single second of every single day. It never stops. I could have written the above (and other parts of your post) last September/October. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Saying this gently, have you considered seeking a diagnosis for your son? Maybe his behavior is in his control, maybe there are other issues at work. We put our son through a neuropsych evaluation this winter, and it was very helpful. We learned that he has ADHD as well as a couple of other issues, and after exhausting all of our natural options, we decided to put him on a trial of medication. It's not working yet, but I have hopes that it will once they get the dosing right. School won't fix his problems, though you seem to be aware of that. It will just give you a break. Truly, if it comes down to you needing that, don't feel bad about it. I was contemplating that as well last year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlessedMom Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 :grouphug: So sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melmichigan Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 have you considered seeking a diagnosis for your son? Maybe his behavior is in his control, maybe there are other issues at work. :iagree: It would be helpful to have a really good understanding of what the underlying cause of the behavior is or isn't. Depending on the cause school could be much better or much worse. :grouphug: Take a break when you need it, you don't need anyone's permission. Parenting these kids is hard! I look forward to the 6 weeks my DD is in day camp every summer. The five hours she is out of the house are peaceful and she needs the experience, but dealing with her the rest of the day can be torture. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted July 4, 2012 Author Share Posted July 4, 2012 Thank you to everyone. I spent the day in my room mostly crying. Headaches from crying are some of the worst. :glare: I have told dh that it's time to again talk to professionals. I didn't have a good experience the first time. Hopefully, I'll find someone who can help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cricket Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Thank you to everyone. I spent the day in my room mostly crying. Headaches from crying are some of the worst. :glare: I have told dh that it's time to again talk to professionals. I didn't have a good experience the first time. Hopefully, I'll find someone who can help. :grouphug::grouphug: I hope you can figure out something that helps! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelly1730 Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 :grouphug: You are NOT a bad mother, a bad mother wouldn't care. It's obvious that you do. I have no btdt advice for you but just wanted you know that I'm sorry for your struggles and hope and pray that you will find help for your son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canadianmumof5 Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Different periods of time in our lives call for different approaches. Homeschooling is not the be-all & end-all. Sometimes you have to change things up in order to progress; and if sending him to school is the right thing for now - then there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I wish you peace as you go through this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 (edited) I don't know that sending him to school will really help (behaviors outside of school may escalate, dealing with school issues, etc may really be a struggle as may more of the guilt and frustration and such that you are feeling now). However, I think it is fine to try it. And maybe the opportunity to take a few deep breaths, get with the psychologist, etc will help long enough to get a game plan so you can be the mom you want and he can be a happier, healthier kid. BTW, I *so* know what you're feeling. No judgment here. I reserve that for myself! Edited July 4, 2012 by 2J5M9K Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheApprentice Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Would not dare to judge you. You have the whole family to consider.everyone. Your well being is super important because you do have 2 other kiddos being affected. It breaks a mother's heart to have less than positive feelings towards their children. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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