Jean in Newcastle Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 (edited) Last month she had a stroke. She was in the hospital for 3 weeks. I was concerned when they let her go home that she wasn't ready to go home but really needed assisted living or something like that. Dh told me that she would rather die than have any help. She's home and she's not able to take care of my FIL and herself. She's choosing her funeral wardrobe. Dh is going over there now to assess her medically. He's starting to talk to his sisters about what to do for her. I'm shut out of the discussion because I'm not family. In one sense, that's ok because it is true that I'm not blood. But in another sense, it smarts a bit because I've been the one to give her suppositories and other very intimate care when she's been ill because her daughters wouldn't do it. I doubt that dh is doing it on purpose but he's already stressed from working two jobs and now this. So it's easier for him to just let me take care of the kids and the home while he deals with this. I'm thinking there might be some cultural things involved too. Part of why she doesn't want any help is because it must be done the Filipino way or not at all. I can't help the Filipino way. I'm just typing out all I'm thinking just to get it out there. It's funny because the first 5 years of my marriage were very difficult because of my MIL. For the first 2 years she refused to even "remember" my name. But now I'm really sad that she's giving up like this. I understand people giving up after battling cancer etc. but other than having things be harder to deal with because of her limitations, she isn't really ill. My own dad is 91 and is spunky and refuses to give up despite his own limitations. So I have a mixture of feeling really badly for her and wanting her to snap out of this. Anyway - we'll see what dh says after he sees her. She hasn't been eating or drinking so I'm sure that has a huge effect on how she's feeling and acting. Edited June 9, 2012 by Jean in Newcastle I can't spell Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 :grouphug:Oh, Jean.:grouphug: I'm so sorry to hear this. My fil gave up after his stroke last year and I was left feeling pretty much the same way you feel. It just heartbreaking to stand by, but supporting your hubby may be all you can do. I'll say a prayer for you guys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 Last month she had a stroke. She was in the hospital for 3 weeks. I was concerned when they let her go home that she wasn't ready to go home but really needed assisted living or something like that. Dh told me that she would rather die than have any help. She's home and she's not able to take care of my FIL and herself. She's choosing her funeral wardrobe. Dh is going over there now to access her medically. He's starting to talk to his sisters about what to do for her. I'm shut out of the discussion because I'm not family. In one sense, that's ok because it is true that I'm not blood. But in another sense, it smarts a bit because I've been the one to give her suppositories and other very intimate care when she's been ill because her daughters wouldn't do it. I doubt that dh is doing it on purpose but he's already stressed from working two jobs and now this. So it's easier for him to just let me take care of the kids and the home while he deals with this. I'm thinking there might be some cultural things involved too. Part of why she doesn't want any help is because it must be done the Filipino way or not at all. I can't help the Filipino way. I'm just typing out all I'm thinking just to get it out there. It's funny because the first 5 years of my marriage were very difficult because of my MIL. For the first 2 years she refused to even "remember" my name. But now I'm really sad that she's giving up like this. I understand people giving up after battling cancer etc. but other than having things be harder to deal with because of her limitations, she isn't really ill. My own dad is 91 and is spunky and refuses to give up despite his own limitations. So I have a mixture of feeling really badly for her and wanting her to snap out of this. Anyway - we'll see what dh says after he sees her. She hasn't been eating or drinking so I'm sure that has a huge effect on how she's feeling and acting. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry Jean. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brigitte Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 I'm sorry. I wish there was something to say that will make this all easier, but there isn't. My ILs are not doing well, but my dh and his sister sit around with their heads in the sand. No one says what needs to be said, so my MIL is making terrible decisions. At least your dh and his sisters are taking charge of the situation. Hugs to you, though..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Inna* Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 Jean, I know you know this already: Only she can change her behavior. You can pray. It is a bit exclusionary to not have you be part of the discussion about her health but as you mentioned it could be the way things are done in their culture. In the end, only she can decide if she wants to live. We can pray that God gives her a mighty push... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 :grouphug: it is really hard dealing with older and ill parents. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnitWit Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
datgh Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 We are going through something similar with my MIL right now. It is hard to know where to draw the line in what you can do to help them. On the one side they are still an adult and have the right to make their own decisions even if we don't agree with them but how do we step in when they are starting to make dangerous decisions (like mixing up their meds) and then in what way. You find yourself suddenly in a role reversal situation where you have to play the parent and your parent becomes the child and none of you likes the new roles because it just doesn't seem natural. Everyone keeps side stepping the elephant in the room in dh's family especially because MIL hasn't wanted to move or spend her money but the closest family member is almost an hour away. I am the only one who doesn't work because we homeschool so when the emergency finally does hit guess who will be carrying the load and I am 2 1/2 hours away? I have spent a lot of time praying on this the past year. :grouphug: to you and your family. It isn't easy to watch our parents start failing. They are supposed to live forever and be there for us not the other way around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chelle in MO Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 That's a very difficult spot to be in, Jean. I'm so sorry. You can be a rock for your dh. It sounds like he'll need it. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 :grouphug: Sorry, Jean. I hope that your dh will be able to have some good straight talk with her which will help her to rally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 9, 2012 Author Share Posted June 9, 2012 :grouphug:Sorry, Jean. I hope that your dh will be able to have some good straight talk with her which will help her to rally. Well, here's my update. Dh said that when he got there, he was able to get her to perk up and eat. He thinks she might be depressed and need more people around her. And he thinks that FIL lets her get away with not eating etc. when he should push it a bit more. He did say too that her blood sugar was out of control. He's going to push her getting on better medication with her endocrinologist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 Thanks for the update, Jean -- I hope your MIL's attitude (and her health) start to improve soon. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 After a bout of pneumonia got my dad off his feet, we asked him to go to a rehab hospital to get strong again. He said that would be a waste of time because he'd be dead in 2 weeks. It was 18 days. It was not sad, and, not having to look after his health, he lived on rootbeer floats. I didn't see it as giving up. I saw it as a gentleman doing it his gentlemanly way. My sister had tickets to come to town in a couple weeks, and he placidly waited. She arrived and had dinner with my mother, and then he "crumped" and she hurried over to the old folks home. He waited for her to have dinner! It really was classic Papa. Then she stuck by him for the three days it took, and when, late that last night, he asked who was in the room with him, and she leaned over and said her name. He said, as he'd said so often: I THOUGHT so. And drifted off. I didn't see it as giving up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 Well gosh, between a blood sugar roller coaster and the depression that is not uncommon after a CVA or major coronary incident, no wonder she's been down! What a blessing that her son has the training to recognize these things. Hope things turn around soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 That's so sad... maybe some depression going on.... Life at the end can be hard :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 9, 2012 Author Share Posted June 9, 2012 Well gosh, between a blood sugar roller coaster and the depression that is not uncommon after a CVA or major coronary incident, no wonder she's been down! You hit the nail on the head. And yes, I'm glad that dh has the training to help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: I am sorry, things like this are so hard. Sometimes you just need a couple of good days to snap out of it, not eating and drinking would absolutely contribute to feelings of despair and hopelessness. I hope she doesn't give up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 :grouphug: I'm sorry, Jean. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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