How to tone down a Miss Mismatch for trip to family.

[piraterose]

My daughter is 8 and this will be her fourth summer, out of state, spending two weeks with my sister and her family and my parents who live near by them.

 

Since last summer my daughter has developed a "wild" sense of style. She is little Miss Mismatch. One pink anklet sock matched with over the knee rainbow polka dot sock. Leopard print skirt with pink and white zebra stripe tank top. At public school she is limited to only the accessories due to dress code, but her teachers have not had issue with the socks, scarves, hats she's marched in with. They think she's has a wonderful "unique personality" a la Gooney Bird Greene.

 

I do draw the line with her asking me to put one side of her hair up in piggy tail and leaving the other half down. (Or putting wire in her hair, so it will stay up like Pippi Longstocking). But otherwise, my personal opinion is go for it. It's not the hill I want to die on. At some point, she will grow out of it, the kids will start teasing her and she'll stop or she'll become the fashionista of the high school.

 

My concern, is this trip. My family, on the other hand, is probably going to have a harder time with it. I've already had a conversation with my sister, who said this would (if it was her daughter) "stress her out". Luckily, her daughter (DN6) asks my sister to set out her clothes, for her, so they match. It's very important to my DN6 to match. My mother also, is very controlling in this way, she still tries to dictate what I wear when I'm around her and I'm 38.

 

How do I explain to my colorful daughter than it's might be best to tone it down while she is away. Do I just make sure that all the clothes I send more or less match, no matter what combination she tries? All socks the same height at least (this is the one thing that even bugs my husband). No socks, just send sandals?

 

I know this seems like a petty issue, but I've gotten into battles with my mom based on something less than this, and am not ready for my daughter to be exposed to anything too rough without my being there. (Not sending her is not an option, it would cause world war three between myself and my parents, and my daughter would be devestated).

Edited May 29, 2012 by piraterose

[PeacefulChaos]

:( I have no advice, really. I just really wish that your family would let your DD dress the way she wants.

(Coming from the mom who has taken Iron Man to birthday parties - DS6 - and let him wear snowboots whenever he feels like it :D )

[gardening momma]

Do I just make sure that all the clothes I send more or less match, no matter what combination she tries? All socks the same height at least (this is the one thing that even bugs my husband).

I would do this. Send solid color pants/shorts and wildly patterned tops. :001_smile: Same height socks if not all the same socks.

[LillyMama]

Maybe your mom and sister would be so "stressed out" by your daughter that they purchase her a whole new wardrobe, saving you money. :D

 

I would try to send her with as much basic, matching things as possible. If you send socks, make sure they're all the same length. Sounds like she owns enough accessories that, even with boring clothes, she can still express herself. But I would be honest with her about it, telling her that you like her style but that other people like more matching clothes. Since she will be a guest, you'll need her to try to honor their sensibilities. But I would try to make sure she knows you're not trying to squelch who she is, but just to minimize the arguments, fights and stress she might bring to her family. I know my gut wants me to say "let her be who she is!" but I also understand families and picking your battles.

 

All that to say- I think she sounds delightful and I think your mom and sister sound like boring old sticks in the mud. :D

[AK_Mom4]

I would have a straight-out discussion with the 8yo. Let her know that she will probably be harrassed by the adults about her clothes choices when she goes to visit. Talk thru the options with her (tone it down, tell them (politely) to MYOB, not go on the trip). If she chooses to tell them to Mind Your Own Business, help her come up with polite ways of doing that (she is just 8yo after all!). If she chooses to tone it down, help her put together "good outfits" and pack them together in bags so it's easy to choose.

 

I'm in the Let Them Wear What They Want camp - with overrides only for safety, formal occasions (very rare) and cold weather gear. But if your family is going to stress out, I would give your kid the option to not go. Who wants to be miserable?

[chepyl]

I would pack things that would coordinate well no matter what she wears. Let her pick a few favorite accesories. Tell your family that she has he own sense of style and you are letting her explore it. It is no different than creating a painting, she does art on herself!

[catz]

I'm in the Let Them Wear What They Want camp - with overrides only for safety, formal occasions (very rare) and cold weather gear. But if your family is going to stress out, I would give your kid the option to not go. Who wants to be miserable?

 

:iagree: I would pack her "simpler" clothes and let it go. I have a daughter very much like this and I would have a hard time sending her for 2 weeks somewhere she would have someone trying to tell her what to wear. I gave that up for her at age 2 by necessity. My daughter gets compliments all the time on her wild sense of fashion.

 

I would tell my sister that you will try to pack her more toned down clothes, but you need her to just let her pick her own clothes while she's visiting. Unless they're going out for a formal event or something, in which case I would pick out the outfit and I would give my daughter a warning that for that event she would be required to wear that one outfit. And if your sister and mother are stressed out, so what? They should just not get in an 8 year old child's face about something as minor as what she chooses to wear IMO.

[Farrar]

I know this is the wrong answer, but I think I'd probably send nasty warnings to the grandparents and sister to leave off my kid's fashion choices before I'd ask her to change her style. Cause that would just irritate the heck out of me. My father used to hassle ds about his pink and purple clothes and shoes and he got nasty looks until he cut it out.

 

But, um, not everyone is as confrontational as me... or has a strong enough relationship with the parents that they can get away with that.

[ktgrok]

Send her with all solid bottoms, and whatever tops she likes. And a bunch of matching, white socks. Then let her pack "accessories" like bracelets, necklaces, etc.

[Catwoman]

I know this is the wrong answer, but I think I'd probably send nasty warnings to the grandparents and sister to leave off my kid's fashion choices before I'd ask her to change her style. Cause that would just irritate the heck out of me. My father used to hassle ds about his pink and purple clothes and shoes and he got nasty looks until he cut it out.

 

But, um, not everyone is as confrontational as me... or has a strong enough relationship with the parents that they can get away with that.

 

:iagree:

 

And if they couldn't deal with it, she wouldn't be going on the trip to see them.

[TheReader]

I know this is the wrong answer, but I think I'd probably send nasty warnings to the grandparents and sister to leave off my kid's fashion choices before I'd ask her to change her style. Cause that would just irritate the heck out of me. My father used to hassle ds about his pink and purple clothes and shoes and he got nasty looks until he cut it out.

 

But, um, not everyone is as confrontational as me... or has a strong enough relationship with the parents that they can get away with that.

 

This would be my first instinct as well, because even with wonky/strained family relationships, I'm more than willing to fight for my kids' rights to express themselves & my right to parent how I want.

 

BUT. I realize that's not for everyone, we don't know the specific dynamics you are dealing with, etc.

 

SO, to answer your actual question, can you explain it to your DD that it's sort of like the dress code at school? That Aunt and Grandma prefer a more matchy/rule-following style of dress, and as you want her to respect the rules/guidelines at their house, you think it's best she pretend it's like school and follow the "dress code" of Aunt's House?

 

then pack as others have said, solids/things that will mix & match well, same height socks so as not to worry about that, and let her have fun with her accessories.

 

I think if she understands dress code at school vs. free style dress at home, she should understand "dress code" at Aunt's House as well.

[happi duck]

I'm surprised anyone would have issues/stress around this, mismatched is the trend in this area. No one we know has expressed anything negative.

 

However, this is an issue for your family and your dd will be an influence on dn. Since your dd already understands the concept of a dress code at school that might be a helpful way to approach this visit.

 

"Your style is wonderful and fun, however auntie and grandma have a dress code for themselves and your cousin. You'll be staying with them so let's pick out clothes that fit with their dress code."

 

Dress codes come up in life. It stinks that it's with family but it's not worth the fight, imho.

 

Perhaps your dd won't flinch, since she's visited before, I'm sure she realizes that some of the rules are different.

 

eta: if I were in this situation and felt like my child was being disrespected/forced to conform and that my parenting was being questioned...my child would not visit. I see that as an unsafe environment. Because the op's dd has visited for years, I'm assuming all is well except fashion expectations.

Edited May 29, 2012 by happi duck

[happi duck]

I think if she understands dress code at school vs. free style dress at home, she should understand "dress code" at Aunt's House as well.

 

great minds think alike and apparently post at the same time!

[Denise in Florida]

I know this is the wrong answer, but I think I'd probably send nasty warnings to the grandparents and sister to leave off my kid's fashion choices before I'd ask her to change her style. Cause that would just irritate the heck out of me. My father used to hassle ds about his pink and purple clothes and shoes and he got nasty looks until he cut it out.

 

But, um, not everyone is as confrontational as me... or has a strong enough relationship with the parents that they can get away with that.

 

:iagree: This was kind of what I was thinking. Truely, if the wildest child rebellion they ever see is mismatched socks then you and your dd are doing them a favor getting it over with. :lol:

 

My kids always marched to their own fashion beat.

 

Tell dd to be respectful and use her best manners and that will be enough.

[SonshineLearner]

I would pack all jeans and then tops. I wouldn't let this be a kid decision, since you know it's gonna get in the way of their relationship, I'd take it upon me to fix it at home. (Make the choices a "no-war" issue) I'd also pack a dress for a special occasion thing. If you know that's gonna be an issue, I'd let her know ahead of time that dressing appropriately for the company you keep is important. She's 8 and seriously at that age she needs to get to wear what she wants while respecting her family enough to not dress in a way that's going to make them feel embarrassed. I mean... we all know that the kid who wears the polka dot shirt with the striped pants may be a designer when they grow up, but there is "just going with the flow" sometimes :) (And yup, I'd buy enough socks for them all to be the same if that's a problem, too)

[gingersmom]

My daughter was very much like yours.

 

When I was a child my mother would flip out if I wanted to dress like that, with my daughter she was much more tolerant.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I know this is the wrong answer, but I think I'd probably send nasty warnings to the grandparents and sister to leave off my kid's fashion choices before I'd ask her to change her style. Cause that would just irritate the heck out of me. My father used to hassle ds about his pink and purple clothes and shoes and he got nasty looks until he cut it out.

 

But, um, not everyone is as confrontational as me... or has a strong enough relationship with the parents that they can get away with that.

 

:iagree:

 

And if they couldn't deal with it, she wouldn't be going on the trip to see them.

j

 

:iagree: For goodness sakes, we don't have to let our families heap the same old baggage on another generation.

 

(I have a similar issue in my family, and I did put my foot down. Some relatives were willing to bend, and those who weren't found themselves only seeing my dc on major holidays. I'm OK with that result.)

[Mommyof4ks]

I would get jean shorts, flowery/fun shirts and send sandals. My dd has a crazy sense of style too, and I would not want to make her feel self conscious about it just because a few relatives are controlling and think other people care what they wear.

[Ottakee]

SO, to answer your actual question, can you explain it to your DD that it's sort of like the dress code at school? That Aunt and Grandma prefer a more matchy/rule-following style of dress, and as you want her to respect the rules/guidelines at their house, you think it's best she pretend it's like school and follow the "dress code" of Aunt's House?

 

I think if she understands dress code at school vs. free style dress at home, she should understand "dress code" at Aunt's House as well.

 

I think this can be a time to have her show respect for the people she is visiting. Now, there may be nothing wrong at all with her own "style" but when visiting someone else, it is respectful to go along with their standards.

 

I had that when visiting a friend who is a dresses only family. At their house, I would wear pants but when we went to their church with them, church camp, etc. I would don a skirt and put my girls in little summer dresses just so that we fit in. It wasn't a "have to" but more out of respect for them.

[Rebel Yell]

SInce you are committed to sending your DD on this trip, here is an idea: (in addition to the good advice above about carefully selecting which clothing items she takes with her...)

 

Make sure you have a "special" granny-approved outfit for photos. If they all want that "navy and khaki on the beach with pearls" look make sure DD has that outfit, and tell her it will be for the speical group photo. Find out or figure out which events are most important to "match" such as dinner? Make sure DD can change into somethign for that- like a school dress code.

 

And explain it to her gently- DD will likely understand and agree or at least go along at the most important times.

 

I have a DD who has dyed her hair many different colors... and always planned it so it was "normal" for stage productions or professional photos. Her current turquoise streak is easily hidden. And she tones down accessories/style when needed, and I let her go wild when appropriate.

[laundrycrisis]

I would pack my DD's wildest clothes, and tell her to wear them loud and proud. I would simply tell grandma and sis to enjoy all the bright colors because a rainbow is headed their way :)

 

Truely, if the wildest child rebellion they ever see is mismatched socks then you and your dd are doing them a favor getting it over with.

 

:thumbup1: Edited May 29, 2012 by laundrycrisis

[MomatHWTK]

I have found that my 8 y.o. is often FAR more capable of acting like the responsible adult than some of the adults in my life. I tell her the truth as gently as possible and enlist her help. ;) It's our little secret.