What would you do in this situation?

[Nakia]

My oldest dd takes horse back riding lessons and has for 5 or 6 years with the same instructor, whom will call "M." M is an older lady who has basically adopted our family and taken Anna under her wing. M is precious to us, and we love her, but I feel like she made a pretty stupid decision last week, and I wanted to get the hive's input.

 

Background: Anna is very gifted and very confident with horses, and I think she is one of those people who just has it in her blood, so to speak. She spends a day every week at the barn with M (riding, working, grooming, etc). M does not charge us for this time (VERY GENEROUS!), only for Anna's hour lesson, and this has kind of been like therapy for Anna the last few months (she has had some major attitude and behavior problems which I've posted about). I can't tell if it's helping, btw, but that's another story.

 

Fast forward to this past week. Due to our schedules, Anna was only going to be able to stay for her lesson and not the entire day/afternoon that she has been staying. So I dropped her off and then went to the grocery store. About 1.5 hours after dropping Anna off, I went back to pick her up. She was riding alone. M was in the house (not too far away and she could probably see Anna from the window) saying good-bye to her grandson, who had been visiting. I was really irritated when I pulled up. After probing Anna a bit, I found out that was not the first time she had been left alone with a horse, either to groom or riding. My child is 11 years old. Like I said, she is confident and gifted, and I believe she is really mature for her age, but I do not feel comfortable with her being left alone with, or on, a horse. I know M just wanted to say good-bye to her grandson, but it can't be done at the risk of my child. Why didn't she postpone our lesson until they left? If I'm paying for a private lesson, I expect to have a private, one-on-one, supervised lesson.

 

The only thing that has always bugged me about M is that she "trusts" some of her horses too much. Don't get me wrong; I believe she is very careful and she ALWAYS teaches the kids that horses are powerful animals. But I just think, from her words, that she trusts them too much. That probably doesn't make much sense, but that's how I feel. I don't want to be misunderstood; I've never feel that M couldn't be trusted (or Anna wouldn't have been there), and I've never had reason to believe I couldn't trust her with my child. Until now.

 

Am I upset for no reason? Was M irresponsible to leave Anna alone on a horse? I think so. I guess I just wanted to type it all out here to get other opinions. This isn't a "jawm" thread, lol. I am perfectly willing to admit I might be overreacting. I feel like I need to talk to M, and I will. She is like family, and sometimes I think that makes it harder. I have been putting it off, but I need to just deal with it.

 

I hope this makes sense. :tongue_smilie:

[MomatHWTK]

For non-horse people I'd say yes. For horse people, I would guess 11 doesn't seem that young to be up on a horse unattended. Hard to say, when we had horses when I was a kid we probably had way too much freedom. ;)

 

If I were paying for lessons, I'd probably expect the instructor to be around. But, then again, if your DD is outside lesson time and just hanging around the horses, the instructor may think you are ok with her being alone with them. I hope you can raise the issue delicately.

[Mommyof4ks]

My dd rides with a friend, and they do not leave anyone alone with the horses for safety reasons, even their own children who have grown up with the animals. Horses are animals, and no matter how tame they can be spooked and become dangerous without meaning to be. I would speak to her about your feelings, and perhaps you could offer to stay if she needs extra eyes.

[tex-mex]

I grew up in a small farming town where if young kids rode on horses (and they did) they were unsupervised as the parents assumed they were old enough. I recall one friend who rode her horse into town when we were in junior high -- she was 12. But that was decades ago. :confused:

 

For non-horse people, I'd say it was inappropriate. For horse people, she trusted the horse and the OP's dd confidence to ride. Professionally, it reeks of a loosey goosey type of teaching style? Dunno.

[besroma]

I would not be comfortable with it, but I am also not very familiar with horses. Still, like you said, horses are big, powerful animals...and just the fact that they are animals makes them somewhat unpredictable, doesn't it?

[maddykate]

If this was the first time your dd had been on this particular horse, then yes, I would be upset that she was left alone. But if she is familiar with this horse and he with her, then I would think she was fine and quite able to be left alone for a short period of time (5-10 minutes).

 

I understand what you mean about trusting the horse.... I find myself guilty. Our horses have their own distinct personalities and you can easily tell what type of mood they are in. And, it took me a long time to acknowledge that, in most cases, the horse is not sitting there waiting for an opportunity to hurt someone or do something crazy. It sounds silly, but horses really do seem to take their "job" seriously and I would bet big bucks that the horse would do everything it could to keep your dd safe.

 

We have had several situations where our horses have literally put their bodies in between my children and another horse that was acting up. Another situation involved a rattle snake and my 12 yo dd's horse completely refused to allow to her go another step.

 

So, all that to say....I don't think your dd was in danger and if the trainer thought she was capable of handling the situation, I would trust her. And trust your dd to make good decisions too. And, finally (the hardest one to do), trust the horse :)

Edited April 19, 2012 by maddykate

[Celia]

Considering the long history your dd has with her and her horses, I think I'd put a bit more trust in M. It wouldn't bother me, personally, and I don't think she was being irresponsible. Especially if your daughter is there all day quite often, I don't think you should expect that she's under direct supervision the entire time when she's with the horses, unless you've made that explicitly clear. It sounds like she's treating her more as a daughter, whom she trusts to conduct herself safely with her animals, than as simply a student. Likewise, I don't think you should be irritated about the fact that you're paying for a private lesson, and your dd has, occasionally, been left alone. She sounds like she's gone beyond what she's been paid for, so the $$$ shouldn't be entering the equation.

 

If you're nervous about your dd being left alone with the horses, talk to her about your concerns. There's risks with anything, but I think that the benefits your daughter stands to reap from the relationship with both M and her horses outweighs the risk. I rode horses alone at that age, and younger, and being alone with them and telling them my sorrows was extremely therapeutic.

[Word Nerd]

I was a farm kid and cared for livestock myself by the time I was a pre-teen (not horses). It wouldn't faze me for an experienced 11-year-old who is comfortable with horses to be left without direct supervision as long as it wasn't for an extended period of time.

 

I think it would be good to talk to the woman about your concerns, not because I think she did anything irresponsible but to make sure you're on the same page and know each other's expectations. If you don't feel comfortable with DD being left alone or indirectly supervised for any amount of time, that needs to be addressed somehow.

[fraidycat]

At 11 years old, we were catching and saddling our own horses to ride - or jumping on them bareback. If she's been around horses and in lessons for 5 or 6 years now, I think a few minutes left alone with the horse(s) is fine, riding or grooming.

 

Yes, I think you're overreacting.

[myfunnybunch]

I was a farm kid and cared for livestock myself by the time I was a pre-teen (not horses). It wouldn't faze me for an experienced 11-year-old who is comfortable with horses to be left without direct supervision as long as it wasn't for an extended period of time.

 

I think it would be good to talk to the woman about your concerns, not because I think she did anything irresponsible but to make sure you're on the same page and know each other's expectations. If you don't feel comfortable with DD being left alone or indirectly supervised for any amount of time, that needs to be addressed somehow.

 

Ditto. I was riding alone around age 9-10. By Anna's age....well, maybe 12, I was riding my horse up in the hills alone. I'd be gone for 2-3 hours or more and no one thought anything of it. So it may be that the friend comes from that kind of background or perspective and didn't think that leaving Anna for a few minutes was a big deal.

 

I do think, however, that your concerns are legitimate, especially since you're paying for instruction time. It is perfectly reasonable to be uncomfortable with your daughter being left alone with a horse. Sounds like a conversation about expectations would get everyone on the same page.

 

Cat

[SonshineLearner]

Ditto. I was riding alone around age 9-10. By Anna's age....well, maybe 12, I was riding my horse up in the hills alone. I'd be gone for 2-3 hours or more and no one thought anything of it. So it may be that the friend comes from that kind of background or perspective and didn't think that leaving Anna for a few minutes was a big deal.

 

I do think, however, that your concerns are legitimate, especially since you're paying for instruction time. It is perfectly reasonable to be uncomfortable with your daughter being left alone with a horse. Sounds like a conversation about expectations would get everyone on the same page.

 

Cat

 

I would say that I agree with this, except for the pay part. Even if it's 10 minutes or so of her not being "taught"... well, to be honest she's getting much more than you're paying for. (with just getting to hang out and such) Especially considering that most hr lessons are actually 50 minutes, in my experience.

 

I think talking to her about things will change your relationship, and I actually wouldn't choose to do anything except to mention to your daughter to make sure she's comfortable with the horse's mood before she rides... or is with them alone ;) Share how she could address the situation if she does think that the horse is having a nasty day....

[Brigitte]

:iagree: My rule with my dd who rides is no jumping if no one else is in the ring or in the bleachers next to the ring. She sticks to W-T-C if she has to be alone for a short period of time. I assume your daughter was not jumping or galloping etc. when she was out there alone. If she was jumping etc., then I would talk to her and the instructor. Otherwise, I would keep my lips zipped.

[Nakia]

Thanks everyone. I think part of my problem, notice I said MY problem, is fear. Anna got a concussion two years ago when a horse kicked her in the back of the head. I need to let those fears go, but it's hard when I thought my child was dead for a few seconds and knowing she very well could have been. Ironically, she wasn't alone at that time or even on a horse; there were 3 adults there including myself. We were walking a few horses up from the barn, and one of the horses got mad or whatever horses get, and tried to kick another horse. Anna just happened to be between them. That was one of the scariest moments of my life.

 

Anyway, I think this time of year triggers those fears all over again because this is the time of year it happened. I will try to speak to M and let her know that I still have some fear and that I'd like for Anna to be watched while she is riding. But I won't make a huge deal of it.

 

Thanks again.

[Trillian]

I don't think you're overreacting, as long as you approach it delicately. I agree with what you said about people trusting their horses too much. I grew up with horses, am sure I was riding alone some distances at your daughter's age. An acquaintance, slightly older than me at the time (high school aged maybe?) was killed by her horse when she walking it, it spooked and she got dragged. Granted, this was in the days when helmets were for showing only, but accidents do happen. And while they can happen even if an adult is there, the risk should be minimized.

[jujsky]

My cousin was 8 when she got her first horse. I don't know how soon she was left alone with her horses for stretches of time, but certainly by 11. If she's been around horses for years, knows her way around them, is comfortable with them, and as you said, seems to have a "gift" with them, AND the teacher is nearby checking periodically, I don't see anything wrong with what she did. I can see how it would make you uncomfortable (little girl + HUGE animal) but in all likelihood, your DD will probably be fine. I bet M is so in tune with the noises her horses make that if she's nearby, she'd pick up on any sounds that were out of the ordinary.

[Unicorn.]

At 11 years old, we were catching and saddling our own horses to ride - or jumping on them bareback. If she's been around horses and in lessons for 5 or 6 years now, I think a few minutes left alone with the horse(s) is fine, riding or grooming.

 

Yes, I think you're overreacting.

 

:iagree: After 5 or 6 years of lessons, and all that time spent at the barn, your dd should be able to be left alone. As far as you being upset about paying for the lesson, and her taking a few minutes to say goodbye to her grandson.. think about all of the free stuff your dd gets. 11 is not to young to alone w/ a horse she is familiar with.

[DianeW88]

At age 11 I was alone with my horse all the time. No biggie in my mind.

[I talk to the trees]

Thanks everyone. I think part of my problem, notice I said MY problem, is fear. Anna got a concussion two years ago when a horse kicked her in the back of the head. I need to let those fears go, but it's hard when I thought my child was dead for a few seconds and knowing she very well could have been. Ironically, she wasn't alone at that time or even on a horse; there were 3 adults there including myself. We were walking a few horses up from the barn, and one of the horses got mad or whatever horses get, and tried to kick another horse. Anna just happened to be between them. That was one of the scariest moments of my life.

 

Anyway, I think this time of year triggers those fears all over again because this is the time of year it happened. I will try to speak to M and let her know that I still have some fear and that I'd like for Anna to be watched while she is riding. But I won't make a huge deal of it.

 

Thanks again.

:grouphug: I completely understand your mommy anxiety. Truly, I do! But...

If your dd is really the "horse person" you think she is, she is probably just fine unsupervised for a brief period. Some people are better than others at sensing an animal's moods, and knowing when to back off or how to soothe the animal. Your dd sounds like one of them, and M probably sees this. It doesn't sound like M would deliberately put your dd in an uncomfortable situation, and I think *short* periods alone would build your dd's confidence.

[hillfarm]

When I was 11yo, I spent more time alone with my horse than I did with my family! I spent hours at a time out in the barn, pasture or woods alone with him. The only thing my parents knew about my whereabouts was that it was within half a day's ride, since I almost always made it home in time to eat!

 

So in my opinion, a few minutes alone, on a calm horse the experienced child knows, in a contained area, with an adult nearby (although not specifically observing the rider), would not be a big deal at all.

 

Was your dd wearing a riding helmet? Was she comfortable with the horse and the environment? Did she feel confident in her ability to control the horse? If yes, then I think it would be wrong to complain.

 

The fact is that horseback riding has some attendant risks. That is just a fact of life. That is why I get so frustrated when I hear of someone who just assumes that because "they" let children ride, that it is perfectly safe. Live animals are not Disney automatrons. If we interact with them, there will be risks. However, the interactions I have had with animals have enriched my life greatly and I consider the risks well worth it.

[regentrude]

Our barn owner has the policy that a second person has to be on the premises if an underage experienced rider rides by herself. Not watching, not close at hand - but in earshot and able and old enough to make an emergency phone call. Which seems to have been the case in your situation, as the teacher was on site, just not directly with the student.

[indigomama]

Considering the long history your dd has with her and her horses, I think I'd put a bit more trust in M. It wouldn't bother me, personally, and I don't think she was being irresponsible. Especially if your daughter is there all day quite often, I don't think you should expect that she's under direct supervision the entire time when she's with the horses, unless you've made that explicitly clear. It sounds like she's treating her more as a daughter, whom she trusts to conduct herself safely with her animals, than as simply a student. Likewise, I don't think you should be irritated about the fact that you're paying for a private lesson, and your dd has, occasionally, been left alone. She sounds like she's gone beyond what she's been paid for, so the $$$ shouldn't be entering the equation.

 

If you're nervous about your dd being left alone with the horses, talk to her about your concerns. There's risks with anything, but I think that the benefits your daughter stands to reap from the relationship with both M and her horses outweighs the risk. I rode horses alone at that age, and younger, and being alone with them and telling them my sorrows was extremely therapeutic.

 

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

I agree with all written here, except I have little horse experience.

[Nakia]

Thanks again everyone. Like I said in post #13, I know this is my problem. I trust M, and I trust Anna. I know M loves Anna like her own grandchild and wouldn't let anything happen to her intentionally. I think I just let my fear cloud my judgement. I am not, in general, a hovering parent, lol. I used to be way over the top in the hovering department, but I'm chilling a bit as they get older. I even let my 9 year old go to a sleepover this past weekend, and if you remember my sleepover thread from last year, you'll know how big that is! :lol::lol: And guess what? Anna's been to a few sleepovers too! I'm eating my words. But that's okay. ;)

 

I sure don't want to take this time at the barn away from Anna. She is a horse person, and those horses heal her like nothing else (besides the Lord) can. I am very thankful for M and the horses. I dropped Anna off today, didn't say a word about it to M, and prayed for their safety as I always do. All is well. :001_smile:

 

I'm sorry I brought up anything about the money. I am very aware of how blessed we are with this set-up. I was just a little angry and a lot fearful, and I brought that up because of that. I hope I didn't sound too bratty. :tongue_smilie:

[Jennifer3141]

At age 11 I was alone with my horse all the time. No biggie in my mind.

 

:iagree:

 

Me too! I remember my mom's line of reasoning for trail rides alone was that if someone "bad" tried to get me, I was on a HORSE. :lol:

[ByGrace3]

I Don't think it is a big deal for an experienced 11 yo rider to be left alone on a trustworthy horse for a few minutes especially if the trainer can "see" her. I do understand a lesson is lesson and you pay for that time, but unless it was habitual I think I would let that go. If you as a parent are uncomfortable, you can certainly ask the trainer about it and tell her would be more comfortable if she was always supervised while on horseback. Though growing up around horses, at that age if she has been riding that long, and is mature Around them it is not much more unsafe for an adult to be alone around a horse. Riding ALONE is not always the best idea, just like swimming alone, but the experienced rider / swimmer balanced risk/benefit.

[StaceyinLA]

And catch her pony, saddle her and ride her. Now granted, she was a PONY, but dd probably wasn't 40 lbs herself.

 

At 11 she would go out and ride her arab cross by herself, often setting up jumps in the pasture, and jumping bareback. What can I say? The child was a horse fanatic!

 

After that many years and time around those horses, I think a few minutes alone is certainly acceptable.

 

As others have said though, if there is something that you need clarified to make you feel more comfortable, I'd definitely bring it up.