gardenmom5 Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 I think you are being selfish and disrespectful of your elders. You are being hurtful to your MIL and trying to be controlling. My sister and her husband did that to my parents -- . wow :001_huh:. and this is how you introduce yourself with your *very* first post ? charmed, I'm sure. :blink: /sarc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JoyfulZindagi Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 Also, you are setting an example for how your children MIGHT treat you in the future, especially if they marry controlling spouses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 You come into an online community on your very first post when you don't know the OP and she doesn't know you and say something so harsh and full of judgment?:confused: makes me wonder who she is - maybe the OP's mil found out and posted. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 Also, you are setting an example for how your children MIGHT treat you in the future, especially if they marry controlling spouses. then again, maybe they will marry someone who *isn't* controlling and have the courage to avoid the controlling parents that you seem to think are so deserving of adoration and unreserved aprobation. go take care of your mil now - she needs her meds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JoyfulZindagi Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 Why? Because I didn't agree with you or the majority? I am not trying to be hurtful, just truthful as I see it. I think it is important to think of things from the other side as well. We are all entitled to our opinions, even if we don't agree with them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 She's unreasonable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 (edited) Why? Because I didn't agree with you or the majority? I am not trying to be hurtful, just truthful as I see it. I think it is important to think of things from the other side as well. We are all entitled to our opinions, even if we don't agree with them. It isnt' your differing opinion - since you're new here you obviously don't realize just how many different opinions and views are represented on this board. it is how *incredibly* sanctimonious you come across when you express that opinion. You, my dear, have a closed mind. Edited April 10, 2012 by gardenmom5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 Well, as a mil myself, my take is that the mil is being unreasonable. My sons have their own families, and while they seem to want to include us and spend time with us, I'm thinking that maybe it's because they feel no pressure from us. :001_smile: I am ready to include them any holiday I can get, but know that they will not always be able to be here, and that's okay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JoyfulZindagi Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 LOL, sanctimonious? Perhaps a little, but I have seen too many hurt people in this world. Especially since the MIL has a mental illness, is socially awkward, and has had her expectations built up based upon previous Easters. Those who are saying the MIL needs to "deal with it?" and "get over it?" How kind, non-judgmental, and open-minded are they? Because I doubt the MIL will get over it; just carry that hurt deep within her heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 LOL, sanctimonious? Perhaps a little, t. try alot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellesmere Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 Why? Because I didn't agree with you or the majority? I am not trying to be hurtful, just truthful as I see it. I think it is important to think of things from the other side as well. We are all entitled to our opinions, even if we don't agree with them. I could be truthful and say all sorts of true things about your post that would get me banned from the forum. Or I could be tactful and let you know that it is generally considered hurtful to call someone selfish (who may not be, in fact, selfish in this situation) in your first post on a forum. No one is saying we aren't entitled to opinions. But it appeared (to me) that you seemed to be more interested in calling the OP out and going on about your own family, which is just an unusual way to introduce yourself here. It's not that you disagreed, but it might be how you did it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 (edited) I think you are being selfish and disrespectful of your elders. You are being hurtful to your MIL and trying to be controlling. You don't know when a holiday is a person's last, young or old, and you should open your heart and look at it that way. I am sure you will find there is enough love in there to go around. My sister and her husband did that to my parents -- rationing the time they could spend with their grandchildren. My sis and her husband dictated when and where my folks could see their four granddaughters -- 3 hours on Christmas Ever, from 3 to 6 pm, not before and not later. They never even got to see the little ones open the gifts they gave them, because it wasn't allowed until after Midnight Mass. This was abusive to my parents. Especially when they got old. Christmas Day was spent with her husband's family. The second year they were married, my sister sent a letter to my mom saying they wanted to start a new Thanksgiving tradition on their own. That new 'tradition" turned out to be Thanksgiving with her husband's family only. Every year since then. I tell you this is completely adverse to the way we grew up. On holidays EVERYONE was included. My grandmother never turned a soul away. Neither did my mother, when she took over. Aunts, uncles, cousins, relatives from all "sides" of the family were included, as were neighbors, friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, exchange students -- nobody was ever told they were not welcome. And there was always enough food. Always enough space. Always enough help. Always much joy and laughter. And always many beautiful memories. (Ya know -- "Many hands make light work." and "The more the merrier.") Today my sister's daughters do not really know their mother's side of the family. They think their father's family is "better." Well that just isn't the case. We don't live far away, and we are not crazy or anything. There might actually be a few hoarders in there, but its all good. I think you should reconsider and include her. I think you are trying to control life, and that just isn't how things work. So because the OP didn't demand that her mother invite her husband's whole family to their Easter event, she's controlling? She's selfish for not spending one holiday with her MIL? :confused: The OP isn't your sister, and the post she wrote--which you don't seem to have even read--has nothing to do with you. Edited April 11, 2012 by WordGirl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 (edited) I'm inclined to believe joyfulwhatever is a troll. reasonable people do not sign up and their very first (and second and third) posts be so outrageous. eta: I should say, anyone have a picture of a troll in a kilt? My favorite troll is seattle's fremont troll - it is eating a volkswagon bug . . . . there was a teasing picture of a cute troll that claimed to be wearing a kilt . . . . everything below the waste was cut off. glare. Edited April 11, 2012 by gardenmom5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 So because the OP didn't demand that her mother invite her husband's whole family to their Easter event, she's controlling? She's selfish for not spending one holiday with her MIL? :confused: The OP isn't your sister, and the post she wrote--which you don't seem to have even read--has nothing to do with you. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 Here is the thing I never understand about these sort of posts. How could someone enjoy herself if she knew she really wasn't wanted somewhere, and that she was only invited because of her 1. Whining 2. Bullying insistence 3. Or being so pathetic as to obtain a pity invite? I would be miserable horning in where I wasn' t wanted. Were these people raised in a barn? Are they drunk on Entitlement Koolaid? I am so creeped out by it and the crashing of someone's delivery room, etc, I hear about. Is it an extrovert thing? As an introvert raised by very private introverts, this sort of crashing or expectations would make everyone extremely uncomfortable and would be nipped in the bud. Do.not.get.it! A very basic, common sense rule should be - don't go where you aren't wanted! Don't be a forever overbearing, entitled nightmare to your adult children! Get a life of your own! Shared DNA is not diplomatic immunity...yes I write that a lot. Your MIL is not only being unreasonable, but outright ridiculous. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calendula Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 I haven't read the whole thread, so this has probably been suggested, but can you spread out the holidays a bit? For example for easter, we at at home with just immediate family. Next Saturday we will visit my grandma and celebrate with my dad's entire family, finally on Sunday we'll visit with my mom and dad and my sister's family. This way we get to visit and celebrate with everyone, but it isn't all wedged into one miserable day. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 I haven't read all of the replies yet, but I'd like to add my vote to the "MIL is being unreasonable" column. She is also being selfish and inconsiderate. I don't know any married couples who manage to spend every single holiday with both sets of parents. It's simply not practical, nor is it reasonable. And your own parents certainly have no obligation to include your in-laws in their own gatherings. And I can't help but think that your MIL probably didn't get upset with you for not rushing off to see your parents on the holidays you spent with her and your FIL... I mean, shouldn't she have rushed you out of her home right after dinner, so you could be sure you wouldn't miss spending part of every holiday with your parents? Because if you should spend every single holiday with her, then you should do the same with your own parents, too, right? :tongue_smilie: Ummm... no... she probably didn't say that, right? :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 The MIL does sound like she is narcissistic. Not just in a general descriptive way, but in a clinical sense. But the way to deal with someone who is narcissistic is not to give in to the narcissism. It doesn't help them. They don't appreciate it and then - they go for more, and then more. "Helping" (ie. enabling) one person at the detriment to others is not loving either. The answer to this sort of behavior is to set firm boundaries (and you don't have to be mean about it) and sticking to them. (Also- people seem to have missed the part in the OP where she explained that the dinner was not at her house but was at her own mother's house who specifically did not invite the MIL this time.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5kidsforME Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 Why? Because I didn't agree with you or the majority? I am not trying to be hurtful, just truthful as I see it. I think it is important to think of things from the other side as well. We are all entitled to our opinions, even if we don't agree with them. Now we can see why she doesn't want to spend holidays with your family. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vonfirmath Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 Wow. We saw grandparents, growing up, ONCE a year. And were lucky for that. (And it was in the summer. No holiday) Every Christmas and the person's birthday, my parents would call and put us kids on the phone. That's it. This seems to be how things are going for our kids growing up so far. But we have grandparents that can come to our house and stay at our house, and fit into our lives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TexasRachel Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 (edited) eta: I should say, anyone have a picture of a troll in a kilt? My favorite troll is seattle's fremont troll - it is eating a volkswagon bug . . . . there was a teasing picture of a cute troll that claimed to be wearing a kilt . . . . everything below the waste was cut off. glare. Like this one? This was the next one that came up via google. I think I prefer this one. To the OP: your mil is unreasonable and dh needs to tell her this. It is your family therefore you do what you want/need/can for your family. Edited April 11, 2012 by TexasRachel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zebra Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 then again, maybe they will marry someone who *isn't* controlling and have the courage to avoid the controlling parents that you seem to think are so deserving of adoration and unreserved aprobation. go take care of your mil now - she needs her meds. :lol::lol::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Acadie Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 IL issues are tough! Yes, your MIL is being unreasonable, but I don't think she needs to be told that directly, at least not at the beginning of the conversation. What really matters is what works for you, dh, and your children, taking into consideration the feelings of extended family on both sides, but not privileging them over your immediate family. Getting married means compromise, but it doesn't mean you promise never to see your own family alone again on a holiday! Figure out what feels comfortable for you and dh, being considerate of but not ruled by others' feelings, and communicate clearly what you'll do for future holidays. There are lots of options. For dh's and my families of origin, Christmas is the big one and the families are 16 hours apart, so we alternate years. A few years ago we realized Christmas morning at home is important for our girls, so we leave the day after to see one side of the family or the other. It feels really, really good to have prioritized our own family experience and to be doing what works for us (creating our own children's memories of Christmas morning at home) while also making the effort and having the joy of seeing relatives. Other holidays we are a bit less attached to, and dh's family is closer than mine, so we tend to see them more for Easter and Thanksgiving, but it's not assumed that will be every year. Dh's bday is July 4, so we often see his family then, but sometimes the summer vacation with my family is over that weekend and they've needed to be flexible. Other posters have mentioned other options--alternate years for every holiday, spread out the festivities, etc. The important thing is how clear you are about what works for you, how you and dh communicate with each other about it, and then how lovingly-yet-firmly you can communicate that to other relatives. Some clarity may ease the uncomfortable feeling, despite the fact that it won't be what MIL wants, which is everything! It's impossible for another person to satisfy that kind of desire, so free yourself from feeling like there's any way you could. I agree that dh should be the main point person about this, but you will probably need to talk to her too at various times, and having a clear, simple way of saying it (rather than over explaining or getting hooked into giving too many details) will make it easier. My mantra in dealing with my ILs is boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! I do feel like our relationship has improved since I began to see my responsibility not as satisfying them (which is impossible), but finding and maintaining healthy, clear, loving boundaries. Amy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 Like this one? that's the ticket. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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