Being the parent of a young adult is exhausting! a vent

[In2why]

So the movie started at 9, and you expected her home at 12? On a first date?

 

On a first date that doesn't go well, yeah, maybe 12.

 

But you go to a movie, and you can't talk. The idea of the date is to talk to get to know the person. You watch the movie, then you end up in a bar or a diner or something to talk to get to know each other.

 

For a 9pm movie I would never expect them home by 12. Not at 20. And not on a first date.

 

 

A first date. The only thing open that late is the bars, and she isn't 21 yet. A first date isn't usually when most people decide to have sex or stay over, although they can if they want. I would have worried too, and I would wonder why she didn't call. I still think the daughter was sending a passive aggressive message, maybe separating from Mom, but it was inconsiderate. Now Mom calling her repeatedly was a bit much, I am sure she left a message, and I cant help but wonder if she didn't call Mom back because it may have looked childish to he guy she was with? But she should have initiated the " I am not coming home until morning" call. I also wonder if she had called, what Mom would have said about her not coming home. Perhaps it was easier to beg forgiveness instead of beg for permission?

[mom2samlibby]

A first date. The only thing open that late is the bars, and she isn't 21 yet. A first date isn't usually when most people decide to have sex or stay over, although they can if they want. I would have worried too, and I would wonder why she didn't call. I still think the daughter was sending a passive aggressive message, maybe separating from Mom, but it was inconsiderate. Now Mom calling her repeatedly was a bit much, I am sure she left a message, and I cant help but wonder if she didn't call Mom back because it may have looked childish to he guy she was with? But she should have initiated the " I am not coming home until morning" call. I also wonder if she had called, what Mom would have said about her not coming home. Perhaps it was easier to beg forgiveness instead of beg for permission?

 

Really?? In our town, Perkins and a local diner are open 24 hours.

 

I wouldn't have called my mother or texted when I was 20 either.

[PeacefulChaos]

Imo, too bad. That's her problem. If she has a cell phone, she can store the code in it. Not wanting to to know the code because she's afraid of setting the alarm off is failing to take responsibility for herself. I'd give her the code, set the alarm, and go to bed. If she sets the alarm off, well, maybe she'll be more careful next time, especially if she has to pay any fees incurred for a false alarm.

 

Tara

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Couldn't agree more, actually. :D

 

Ok, so, I'm not trying to hijack or anything, but what about this situation:

A friend of mine and her DH live in the basement of her ILs. They both have jobs, have just paid off all their debt, and are saving and looking to buy a house in the next few months. They are in their mid-20s, just for the record. They've only been staying there since last summer. They have 3 young children.

One day, friend says to her MIL, 'We're going to go get something to eat, so we won't be here for dinner. Then we're going to do a little shoe shopping and run by the grocery store before we come home, so text me if you need us to pick anything up.' MIL says fine. Friend, her DH, and kiddos leave around 5.

At 8/9 pm, MIL texts friend and says 'So I know you OBVIOUSLY didn't just go out to eat and go buy a pair of shoes. Can you PLEASE just text me or something so I know you and the kids are ok? You don't have to tell me where you are.' WTH??? (Consequently, they were at that time pulling into the driveway arriving home. Her DH was like, don't even bother answering, it's ridiculous.) She found it ridiculous. I find it ridiculous and, honestly, I would have been really p*ssed.

Is that not normal for other people? Would some see this as something normal to do? A normal way for a grown woman to act about her grown son?

I guess I just figured my response/her response was normal, but after reading this thread I'm just curious as to whether we're in the minority??

Edited March 18, 2012 by PeacefulChaos

[TN Mama]

I moved into my own apartment before I turned 18, married 3 months later and lived in a different city from my mom...and yet right this minute, at age 46, if I was to at my mom's house visiting, you can be CERTAIN that I would not stay out past bedtime without communication of some sort with her.

 

:iagree: Yep. This.

[Pippen]

Well, that could just be their relationship. When I moved away at age 18, I phoned my mom every single day. We loved talking and could easily chat over an hour every day.

 

I think you're probably right. I just hadn't given it much thought since none of mine have left home yet. I wasn't that close to my mom (actually that should read I talked with her about every two weeks, not twice a week). I am closer to my oldest and we do make a point of connecting at the end of every day. I don't know how that will play out when he leaves home.

[In2why]

Really?? In our town, Perkins and a local diner are open 24 hours.

 

I wouldn't have called my mother or texted when I was 20 either.

 

Me either, but I didn't live with my mother and know that she has the personality to worry. If she doesn't want to call her Mom, then they need to have that conversation, if it isn't a big deal and there isn't anything else going on, then why not be considerate.

My daughter lives with me, and she doesn't call me, but if I couldn't sleep unless she did, I would hope we could work something out that made us both content.

[Joanne]

Originally Posted by Scarlett

I moved into my own apartment before I turned 18, married 3 months later and lived in a different city from my mom...and yet right this minute, at age 46, if I was to at my mom's house visiting, you can be CERTAIN that I would not stay out past bedtime without communication of some sort with her.

 

 

 

That's just it; you are 46, fully adult, and not in need of asserting your independence.

 

Young adults are in a different life stage. Even dating is different for them than it is for us.

 

Honestly, it is just like a toddler. It's rude (a courtesy issue) to scream in an enclosed space. They do it anyway, we tell them "no" (in some fashion) and they outgrow it.

 

Young adults are discourteous - age expectedly - because they are immature. When they grow out of this stage, they will realize that it is courtesy to give the people you are living/staying with some basic info.

 

Until they grow into that maturity (which happens when they are secure in their differentiation from parents), you can expect they wiill not see the need to "report" in the same light we do.

[Night Elf]

Imo, too bad. That's her problem. If she has a cell phone, she can store the code in it. Not wanting to to know the code because she's afraid of setting the alarm off is failing to take responsibility for herself. I'd give her the code, set the alarm, and go to bed. If she sets the alarm off, well, maybe she'll be more careful next time, especially if she has to pay any fees incurred for a false alarm.

 

Tara

 

Good point. I'll have DH program one in for her and tell her if she's going to be out, then she needs to take on the responsibility of the alarm. I didn't push it because I didn't want her nervousness to affect her using it, but she really should be able to handle it.

 

Thanks for the other responses too. :)

[gardenmom5]

Yesterday I asked someone how their son who was away at college was doing and the mom said she or her husband talked to him about three times a day. I was shocked. In college I called home collect about twice a week and talked to my mom. I also talked to my brother once a week when he was away in the army. That's about it. It never dawned on me that college kids would be in such constant contact while they were away but I guess times have changed.

 

sometimes it's the kid who calls constantly. I have a friend who knew who her youngest daughter would be that way - and went to europe for three months so she'd be forced to call her much older sisters if she had a problem. (or solve it herself). that was nearly 20 years ago.

 

I was at my sil's when during a two hour period - her college daughter called five times. but for this girl, 900 miles away was a commuter school.

 

when 1dd started college 2500 miles away, we spoke once a week because that was what our finances allowed at that time. by the time 2dd started, we all had cells' with unlimited long distance and called whenever. might be multiple times a day if something particular was going on - or it might be a couple times a week. (and even hyper-responsible 2dd got the occasional "it's polite to let your parents know you are still alive" e-mail if we'd had not contact with her for a week or so. e-mail was generally more convienent.)

[gardenmom5]

Ok, so, I'm not trying to hijack or anything, but what about this situation:

A friend of mine and her DH live in the basement of her ILs. They both have jobs, have just paid off all their debt, and are saving and looking to buy a house in the next few months. They are in their mid-20s, just for the record. They've only been staying there since last summer. They have 3 young children.

One day, friend says to her MIL, 'We're going to go get something to eat, so we won't be here for dinner. Then we're going to do a little shoe shopping and run by the grocery store before we come home, so text me if you need us to pick anything up.' MIL says fine. Friend, her DH, and kiddos leave around 5.

At 8/9 pm, MIL texts friend and says 'So I know you OBVIOUSLY didn't just go out to eat and go buy a pair of shoes. Can you PLEASE just text me or something so I know you and the kids are ok? You don't have to tell me where you are.' WTH??? (Consequently, they were at that time pulling into the driveway arriving home. Her DH was like, don't even bother answering, it's ridiculous.) She found it ridiculous. I find it ridiculous and, honestly, I would have been really p*ssed.

Is that not normal for other people? Would some see this as something normal to do? A normal way for a grown woman to act about her grown son?

I guess I just figured my response/her response was normal, but after reading this thread I'm just curious as to whether we're in the minority??

 

If the friend had been out to 11pm or later, I'd probably worry - after all, little kids need to go to bed, and I'd wonder. 8/9? ha. I'd assume they found somewhere else to poke around, that they'd be home soon ('cause little kids need to go to bed) and not give it any thought.

 

otoh: My grandmother would have seen it as totally normal and possibly even "easy going". my mother was a married woman with children, and owned her own home and we were expected to call her as soon as we got home from visiting her "so grandma wouldn't worry". if we didn't, we'd be getting phone calls "checking up" on us within about 20 minutes of our arrival. (actually, we've had phone calls within minutes of walking in the door.) as a child, I didn't know any different, as an adult I had no tolerance for it. I've come to believe my grandmother was npd/bpd and that was merely one manifestation of it.

[Haiku]

know that she has the personality to worry.

 

My mom was not a worrier. She was very pragmatic, and I think I inherited that from her. I think it could be very constraining for a child to grow up with a worrying mom (and I don't know whether the OP is or not, as I don't know her at all, just making conversation here), and I could see an adult woman out on her first date deciding that the evening was just going to be about her and not Mom and her worrying. Not even that she did it on purpose. Just that this was her night and she focused on herself.

 

I know that my auntie was a very emotional, worrying, how-could-you-be-so-selfish kind of mom, and she tried to make her problems my cousin's problems in a way I was reminded of when I read that the OP couldn't sleep until all her babies were home. First, the 20 year old is not a baby and second, it's neither her fault nor her responsibility if her mother can't sleep. That is the OP's personality issue to deal with, and it's not right to make an adult woman come home early from anywhere so that Mom can go to sleep. My cousin dealt with this by moving far away as early as she could so that her mother couldn't nag her. When she got a cell phone, she did not tell her mother, and she didn't get an answering machine for her home line so that her mother couldn't leave her trademark worrying messages ... calling four times after dinner, for example, leaving increasingly agitated messages because my cousin wasn't there to talk to her and she was soooo worried that she would be gone so long (a few hours after dinner).

 

Tara

[Jenny in Florida]

So, I was chatting with my 17-year-old daughter about this thread last night. Interestingly, I tended to be on the "side" of the daughter, thinking that, at 20, she's certainly old enough to have a life without constant parental supervision.

 

My daughter, on the other hand, having spent four years living on campus, had a different perspective. She says that, as a young woman, you NEVER go anywhere without someone -- a family member, roommate or friend -- knowing with whom you are going, where, and roughly when you expect to be home.

 

We agreed that, following this kind of situation, there would need to be ground rules in place for the future. We both thought that a 20-year-old woman is entitled to keep her own hours and make her own decisions. However, it is common courtesy for her to keep the people with whom she lives informed of her plans, both so that they can make their own decisions about when to go to bed and when to lock doors and such, and also so that they know when to worry about her.

[HSMom2One]

I have adult children.

 

she lives in your home - her age is irrelevant. she wants freedom to do whatever she wants whenever she wants, she can also have the priviledge of paying all her own bills too. (because you are subsidizing her.)

 

have you ever sat down and discussed expectations of her and her date's behavior? if not, time to do so. if yes, time for a refresher.

 

dates come to the door - especially first dates. it's just basic good manners.

 

she needs to give an expected time to be home by (even if she doesn't have a curfew) - again, just good manners.

 

I have heard of parents who set an alarm for when their children are expected home - and the child is expected to get home early enough to turn OFF the alarm so the parent isn't woken up when it goes off. ;)

 

frankly -i'd have her do alot of taking care of her younger siblings the next day - since her rude behavior kept you up. gee, she's tired because she was up so late? ces't la vie. maybe next time she'll think about how her behavior affects other people.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

I could not have said it better myself! Complete agreement here...

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[HSMom2One]

a txt once an hour when a child is 2-3-4 hours later than expected. That's controlling?? Sheesh. All I wanted to do was vent and instead I'm getting lectures.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Gosh, I would not be happy with those lecturing responses either, PrincessMommy. Just know that there are other moms out here that understand your feelings, agree with your position and support you in your need to vent. No judgement here from us at all. It sounds like you and your dh have been doing an awesome job raising a family.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[Jenny in Florida]

I DO know that a lot of 'helicopter parents' (NOT saying that is what the OP is AT ALL. Just commenting on the quote above.) will talk to college professors trying to get them to change their student's grade or something else similar, or run forgotten assignments to their college students on campus. :001_huh: I wouldn't run a forgotten assignment to ANY child of ANY age. College students? :ack2:

 

And that, right there, is a differentiation some folks are not seeing here.

 

I've posted before that my daughter called me almost every day while she was away at school, and often multiple times a day. We like each other. We enjoy spending time together. When something cool happened, she enjoyed telling me about it. When she was down or stressed or troubled, she wanted to talk to me about it.

 

On the other hand, I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I called her while she was away. If I needed to tell her something, I would text or e-mail, depending on how urgent it was. I respected the fact that she was 800 miles away and busy living her own life.

 

Nor would it ever have so much as occurred to me to contact any of her instructors.

 

And please keep in mind that she was quite young when she went to college.

 

We've discussed this and pretty much concluded that she wouldn't have behaved much differently, in terms of calling home, even if she had been a traditional age before going away to school. She's now 17, and we still enjoy hanging out and making time to spend together, even though she's back living at home.

 

I think judging a parent-child relationship as "healthy" or not based on the number of times a day the kid calls is pretty shallow.

[Renthead Mommy]

A first date. The only thing open that late is the bars, and she isn't 21 yet. A first date isn't usually when most people decide to have sex or stay over, although they can if they want. I would have worried too, and I would wonder why she didn't call. I still think the daughter was sending a passive aggressive message, maybe separating from Mom, but it was inconsiderate. Now Mom calling her repeatedly was a bit much, I am sure she left a message, and I cant help but wonder if she didn't call Mom back because it may have looked childish to he guy she was with? But she should have initiated the " I am not coming home until morning" call. I also wonder if she had called, what Mom would have said about her not coming home. Perhaps it was easier to beg forgiveness instead of beg for permission?

 

Yes, a first date. You go on them to get to know the person to decide if there will be a SECOND date. Can't do that in a movie.

 

And a bar is hardly the only thing open that late. Everything from diners to waffel house, ihop, McD, Burger King, Dunkin Donuts. And you don't have to be 21 to be in all bars. You only have to be 21 to drink. And plenty of bars have food to go with them. And once you leave those places you can sit in a car and talk.

 

If she knew her mother was a over protective worrier type, then yes she either needed to call or tell her mom up front, don't bother me, I'm not checking in with you, you need to relax.

 

But I can also easily see time getting away from you.

[kalanamak]

Young adults are discourteous - age expectedly - because they are immature. When they grow out of this stage, they will realize that it is courtesy to give the people you are living/staying with some basic info.

 

Until they grow into that maturity (which happens when they are secure in their differentiation from parents), you can expect they wiill not see the need to "report" in the same light we do.

 

:iagree: I just didn't "know" at that age what would hurt a reasonable parent (but I did call, at Mum's request, after flying. Flying was her fear. She didn't fly til after age 70.)

 

I also see the other side: as a woman old enough to have a 20 year old, I would be "self-soothing" myself to sleep, assuring myself that 99.9999% of my days have no car wrecks, rapes, abductions, etc in them, and that I need to outgrow biting my knuckles all night. I don't think it is good for the health to be such a worrier, and while we have social and biological tendencies, we can *work* on those things. Being the independent type, I would find it embarrassing to tell my daughter I was up worrying about her. ;)

 

However, I accept that there are people (my exILs from India was huge on this) who feel that in order to be a decent, caring parent, one *must* be racked with worry and phonecalls, and if you don't blow this out of proportion, you are a "bad" parent.

 

I don't agree with that, and would be loathe to model it for my kiddo. "To become the person you want to be, start by acting the part." However, not all want to be the person *I* want to be!

 

:grouphug: to the OP. I hope all your unhappiness has blown over. Was it a good date???

[myfunnybunch]

My daughter, on the other hand, having spent four years living on campus, had a different perspective. She says that, as a young woman, you NEVER go anywhere without someone -- a family member, roommate or friend -- knowing with whom you are going, where, and roughly when you expect to be home.

 

This. Even if it's just, "I'm going out tonight with so-and-so. I think we're going Here and There. I don't know when I'll be home, so don't worry if I'm not back by morning." My roommates and I always checked in with one another when we were that age.

 

OP, when I explained this to my dd, she got it and made her best effort to be courteous. I do think the repeated texting could be off-putting and irritating. From a roommate, that kind of repeated texting would probably get a "Sheesh, cool it! You're not my mother!" :tongue_smilie: and when it comes from a parent...it can feel like, "You're in trouble, young lady!" even if that's not your intent.

 

Being the parent of a young adult IS hard. :grouphug:

 

Cat

[EmilyK]

That's just it; you are 46, fully adult, and not in need of asserting your independence.

 

Young adults are in a different life stage. Even dating is different for them than it is for us.

 

Honestly, it is just like a toddler. It's rude (a courtesy issue) to scream in an enclosed space. They do it anyway, we tell them "no" (in some fashion) and they outgrow it.

 

Young adults are discourteous - age expectedly - because they are immature. When they grow out of this stage, they will realize that it is courtesy to give the people you are living/staying with some basic info.

 

Until they grow into that maturity (which happens when they are secure in their differentiation from parents), you can expect they wiill not see the need to "report" in the same light we do.

 

 

Thanks, this is really helpful information, and explains a lot.

[In2why]

Yes, a first date. You go on them to get to know the person to decide if there will be a SECOND date. Can't do that in a movie.

 

And a bar is hardly the only thing open that late. Everything from diners to waffel house, ihop, McD, Burger King, Dunkin Donuts. And you don't have to be 21 to be in all bars. You only have to be 21 to drink. And plenty of bars have food to go with them. And once you leave those places you can sit in a car and talk.

 

If she knew her mother was a over protective worrier type, then yes she either needed to call or tell her mom up front, don't bother me, I'm not checking in with you, you need to relax.

 

But I can also easily see time getting away from you.

 

 

I forget that not everyone lives where we do. :D The only thing open in my town is the 24 hour Walmart, and bars (21 and over only). Our fast food and eateries close by 10pm although the drive through is open until 1am. But we have plenty of beaches and coves to get lost in if the weather is nice.

[PrincessMommy]

So, I was chatting with my 17-year-old daughter about this thread last night. Interestingly, I tended to be on the "side" of the daughter, thinking that, at 20, she's certainly old enough to have a life without constant parental supervision.

 

My daughter, on the other hand, having spent four years living on campus, had a different perspective. She says that, as a young woman, you NEVER go anywhere without someone -- a family member, roommate or friend -- knowing with whom you are going, where, and roughly when you expect to be home.

 

We agreed that, following this kind of situation, there would need to be ground rules in place for the future. We both thought that a 20-year-old woman is entitled to keep her own hours and make her own decisions. However, it is common courtesy for her to keep the people with whom she lives informed of her plans, both so that they can make their own decisions about when to go to bed and when to lock doors and such, and also so that they know when to worry about her.

 

Exactly!

 

Oh, and I'm not much of a worrier. I've had friends over the years make comments about it saying I'm too laid back ;)

[Scarlett]

That's just it; you are 46, fully adult, and not in need of asserting your independence.

 

Young adults are in a different life stage. Even dating is different for them than it is for us.

 

Honestly, it is just like a toddler. It's rude (a courtesy issue) to scream in an enclosed space. They do it anyway, we tell them "no" (in some fashion) and they outgrow it.

 

Young adults are discourteous - age expectedly - because they are immature. When they grow out of this stage, they will realize that it is courtesy to give the people you are living/staying with some basic info.

 

Until they grow into that maturity (which happens when they are secure in their differentiation from parents), you can expect they wiill not see the need to "report" in the same light we do.

 

 

:iagree:

 

I can agree with the 'age expected, but not accepted' idea. I use that phrase all the time btw, and always think of you. :D