Alenee Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 (edited) . Edited February 9, 2012 by Alenee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UnsinkableKristen Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Always listen to your gut. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KS_ Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Always listen to your gut. I agree. If something doesn't seem quite right, then just say no to the event. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 :grouphug: Here's what I honestly think as a Mom of two teens: If you continue to psycho-analyze every new teen situation with this level of angst you are going to be on Prozac really soon. (That isn't a dig. It's a BTDT.) In my (recent) experience, the best approach is the fact-centered approach. You don't have to wonder whether you like dd's friend or not, because the real point is, you don't let dd go to events without details. There are no details forthcoming for this event, so dd won't be going. The end. It doesn't hurt for dd to learn that lesson, as well. If you don't like this girl, help your dd get interested in other people and activities without outwardly making it all a big deal. Don't let her go places unless you know where she's going and you trust the people she's with. Lots of parents have such rules because they are totally reasonable, especially for a child your dd's age. 12 years old isn't a teenager yet, anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Listen to your gut. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alenee Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 (edited) . Edited February 9, 2012 by Alenee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alenee Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 (edited) . Edited February 9, 2012 by Alenee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca VA Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 That's just crazy! She's only 12 years old! I wouldn't have let my 12-year-old spend the night with someone that I didn't know very well and whose house I had never visited. I would want to know every bit of information long in advance. Either something is shady here, or the other family is just flighty and irresponsible. Either way, I wouldn't trust my daughter to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunD Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 When I was, say, 17 that would have been perfectly acceptable to my mom. "Yep, Sunny's hanging out with Friend A and Friend B that night. They're just going to wing it and see what happens, but she'll call home if they go anywhere out of the ordinary." But if I was 13 and planning to go to an unknown location with someone my parents didn't care for (whatever the reason!)? No. My mom would have shut that down when the requests for details were ignored. The other mom says nothing is set in stone yet, but why not say that when asked and promise to email back when it IS decided? Rude, if nothing worse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alenee Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 (edited) . Edited February 9, 2012 by Alenee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alenee Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 (edited) . Edited February 9, 2012 by Alenee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Just a thought- Mom might not be telling all the details to her DD as that may be part of a surprise. She not telling anyone all the details yet so her DD can't/won't figure it out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs. A Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 I think it's important to listen to your gut. Hugs and prayers for you as you work this out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 I agree.... :iagree: listen to THE MOM'S INSTINCT..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 Always listen to your gut. We have a parental gut feeling for good reason. Listen to yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 (edited) The last time I had a "really bad feeling" was a couple of months ago, when my daughter was invited to an overnight party at a hotel. She didn't know these people very well; they were simply girls from school whom she'd socialized with in a limited way. A few boys were invited too. I did not have a good feeling about this. She doesn't go to a lot of things and thought she should because she had invited a couple of these girls to a pool party she had had. And, being a teen, she just wants to be in the midst of things. The other Mom would not return my phone call about details. There was a second number on her voice mail for another woman, which I thought was odd. My daughter agreed immediately not to spend the night because I couldn't verify details, and because she doesn't really like sleepovers anyway, as she really likes to sleep. Long story short, I discovered the Mom was in a new relationship with another woman, so this wouldn't be a standard Mom and Dad supervised party (for all of you who would be offended, the focus on here is NEW relationship with someone else - I would have had the same concern if she had a new boyfriend, as they would have been wrapped up in each other instead of focused on the kids). The two did not spend much time with the kids, socializing elsewhere during the party, and the overnight party was a group of um, very sexually liberal kids. Some stuff went on overnight. Glad I listened to my gut. Edited February 9, 2012 by TranquilMind Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 And the fact that your dd is willing to listen to you carefully on this one may be an indication that her own gut is telling her no, but she just needs your voice to say it. I always give my teens permission to blame saying no to something on their horrible mother. :D Seriously, I make sure they know it's a tool they are welcome to use any time. At 12/13, parents should still be asking questions about where their children will be and what they will be doing, and hosting parents should expect and welcome these questions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 I always give my teens permission to blame saying no to something on their horrible mother. :D Seriously, I make sure they know it's a tool they are welcome to use any time. LOL I do that too. I always tell my dd that if something ever makes her feel uncomfortable to just get out of there and blame it on me if she has to. I'll gladly take the fall. :p Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vettechmomof2 Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 I would not make any decision until you speak with the mother of the girl. Your daughter can email her friend that info or just ask for her phone number and have you call her. Then once you set up contact with the parents you can decide how you feel about the situation but as it stands you do not have enough info. You really need to speak with the mother though and not have the daughter give the info, unless it is the proper written way of an invite with date/time/location/etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
love2read Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 It's hard, but just say "no". Tell her you understand and that she might feel annoyed with you, but that your going to trust you instincts. This will happen over and over with your teens. Be firm. They may hate you sometimes, but they will get over it. With my oldest I didn't listen to my gut a few times and always regretted it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertDweller Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 At our house, a decision isn't made until I have all the details. If dd comes to me and can't give me enough informtion, I tell her to find out and then we'll talk about it. At thirteen, I would probably give the mom a call and make sure I was in the loop with exactly what was being planned, especially if it's an overnight thing. Saying, "You'll spend the night with me and we'll drive you" would be unacceptable. Without all the details, the answer is an automatic no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyK Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 I agree with Tibbie, but also think it is fair at 12/13 to hear the details from the parents directly. I'm a little unclear about the event (not that you have to share), but when my son and his friends make plans, I often say "sounds generally fine, but have the parents call us". Kids don't know how they're going to get somewhere and home, where something is, what else our family has on the calendar that weekend. We've said no to things that just didn't work for our family at that time -- same thing happens to the adults who would like to do something, but it conflicts with something else. I think those are all reasonable boundaries no matter how you feel about the specific kid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 (edited) Thoughtful post, Tibbie. Teens can be so dramatic over *nothing*. I don't mean to be sexist or put down young females, but they are very often this emotional and 'secretive' for no reason, and it's often quite innocent. Always talk to the mother. Get your vibe there. You dd doesn't seem to be the sort who would knowingly put herself in a bad situation. All of my kids know they can call me at any time. I will be there. I will have their back. I want to lock them all in the house sometimes; never let them out of my sight. That works for young children, but it doesn't work as well for older teens. :grouphug: Here's what I honestly think as a Mom of two teens: If you continue to psycho-analyze every new teen situation with this level of angst you are going to be on Prozac really soon. (That isn't a dig. It's a BTDT.) In my (recent) experience, the best approach is the fact-centered approach. You don't have to wonder whether you like dd's friend or not, because the real point is, you don't let dd go to events without details. There are no details forthcoming for this event, so dd won't be going. The end. It doesn't hurt for dd to learn that lesson, as well. If you don't like this girl, help your dd get interested in other people and activities without outwardly making it all a big deal. Don't let her go places unless you know where she's going and you trust the people she's with. Lots of parents have such rules because they are totally reasonable, especially for a child your dd's age. 12 years old isn't a teenager yet, anyway. Edited February 13, 2012 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 Teens girls can be so dramatic over *nothing*. I don't mean to be sexist or put down young females, but they are very often this emotional and 'secretive' for no reason, and it's often quite innocent. It's not just girls. In fact, in our family, it's my son who's the secretive one. My daughter tells me all kinds of stuff. I usually know when she has a crush, who's been flirting with her that she wishes wouldn't, who she's with and what she's doing whenever she's out of the house, etc. My son, though? Ugh. This past weekend, we had words, because he kept bugging me about going somewhere with someone. Really, that's only slightly less information than I had at the time. Apparently, one of the girls in his choir -- whose face I can't even bring to mind -- has been texting him. I knew that part. But she has been helping with some tasks at a new facility opening not far from us. (I'm trying to make this make sense and not give too many recognizable details.) The tasks she's been doing are things my son would enjoy, too. So, he keeps asking if he can go with her. He started texting me while he was in a rehearsal, asking if he could go the following day (a weekday and school day). At the point he asked, I didn't even know the girl's last name. I don't know if I've ever met her parents. I don't know the name of the facility or where it is located (other than "not too far"). I don't know if the girl's parents have any idea she's invited him. As it turned out, the outing fell through before I had to make a decision. But he seemed absolutely mystified that I was planning to say no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alenee Posted February 9, 2012 Author Share Posted February 9, 2012 (edited) Thanks, everyone. Edited... Edited February 9, 2012 by Alenee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 When dd just turned 12, she started making friends with a girl in our neighborhood. This was a big deal because we are rural and she was SO excited about a possible friend here. I did not like this girl. Just a little thing here, a little thing there...I talked to DH about it, but we agreed just to watch the situation VERY CLOSELY, and we also mentioned a few of the things we noticed here and there to DD. It was not too long before DD broke off the friendship with this girl completely of her own accord. She took the things we mentioned (mentioned casually I might add!) combined them with her own observations, and decided, "they just weren't a very good match for friends." I was SO PROUD of dd, but also really glad DH and I decided to wait a bit but just monitor closely. We were still extra careful of their association and supervision, but didn't go the step of saying the girl was no good. Fortunately, we didn't have to. Not saying we won't reach that step in the future, but it was a good experience to see that DD really did have some brains herself! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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