Mommyfaithe Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 My poor parents! Why didn't I ever know how hard parenting adult children was going to be?? Is it some sort of big fat universal secret?? When they are little and behave poorly, you can just handle it. But, when they are older, and technically adults....well...our options are minimal. We need to stand by and watch while terrible things can, and often do, happen to them. No wonder my mother was a nervous wreck when I was pregnant after my first baby was an emergency c-section. No wonder my father often shook his head and sighed when my husband had a new business scheme....or before then, when I was dating someone less than desireable. No wonder our hair turns gray and our skin wrinkles up!!!! As I watch my older children go off on their own, oh...the things I neglected to warn them about stand out glaringly at me. The ways of the world ...the things to be careful of...pitfalls....dangers...those things that can derail their future, steal their happiness, rob their health are everywhere I look. Their futures hang on a thread...and it is out of my hands to help them. I have no choice, but to put them in the hands of the Lord and pray He keeps them safe. Is there such a thing as safety?? I raise our babies hoping I can do a good job. I feel happy when they reach High School, knowing they have gotten past those fragile baby years...and I hope and pray we can get through the "learning to drive" years without a serious accident, teen heartbreak, drugs etc. They got past those days. I was free and clear. Oh, no...my parenting skills are just being honed now. Being the parent of an adult means: You have to bite your tongue when your daughter's husband doesn't live up to your expectations. Your child moves away and you no longer can make sure that he is eating well. sleeping enough, studying his course work. Your child is in college and her room mate does not share the same principles and morals. Your child discovers the "nightlife" and decides to join in ONE TIME and pays the consequence for the rest of his or her life Your child gets sick...and you can not drive 100 miles to take them to the doctor because your younger child is also sick. You can't say anything when you see the pitfalls, because you are so old fashioned and such a fuddy duddy....can't see eye to eye...don't understand the way things are now... You see their immaturity, but can't point it out because that will alienate them and you know it is better to have open communications than NO communications...and adult kids are great at clamming up! My children are good students. They have career paths. They work hard....my influence is now tempered by their decisions. My fear for them has multiplied. I thought my job was finished...it has really only, in a way, begun, but now my job is to pray...long and hard...for their lives and their souls. This is harder than making sure their schoolwork was finished and they knew their spelling words. This is much harder. So, Mom and Dad....I am sorry for all the gray hair and wrinkles, sleepless nights, worry, and bit tongues. I too have stepped in IT all too often...and must have caused my own parents plenty of anxiety. I just never knew...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 I can SO relate. My husband looked at me the other day and said, "We wanted lots of kids, not adults!" My prayer life has definitely been ratcheted up a notch the last few years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laughing lioness Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 Amen, Sistah. Yeah, why didn't anyone say anything, warn us a little? Let us know that toddler tantrums and strong willed 8yo's are a walk in the park compared to know it all twenty-somethings who want our resources and non of our advice, who think we are just trying to control them instead of offering them some words of wisdom. Why can't they realize that we aren't control freaks but have lived through some cr*p and have some intel on how things work and what will really not go down so well? Why do they get to pick who they date. Really. What do they know?! Youth is so, totally, wasted on the young. This is TRUTH. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 Oh man. So I'm getting through the high school years to face this??? Lord, have mercy. :eek: :leaving: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rwjx2khsmj Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 My mother has always told me, "Bigger kids = bigger problems." I suppose it's easier to think of myself as an adult but I'll always be her kid. I can't even count the number of times I've called her to apologize for various behaviors 20+ years later. Guess that's not going to stop. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted January 16, 2012 Author Share Posted January 16, 2012 Oh man. So I'm getting through the high school years to face this??? Lord, have mercy. :eek: :leaving: yes. My kids were pretty easy teen agers...but not so great twenty-somethingers. Think about it...they can drive...they own cars. They can drink legally. They can set up utilities, sign leases, get married, drop out of school, sign loan documents, date whoever they darn well please, have s*x, live with lunatic room mates who do drugs and bring home weird men...and they can't get them the heck out..... They can pretty much make as many really bad choices as they want....they can eat cake for dinner, with a beer if they want to...They can go to Taco Bell and Wendy's instead of the supermarket and healthfood store. They can date the guy you hate and ditch the one you like. They think their friends and professors are smarter and more with it than you are... seriously??? So, in a nutshell......yes...This is what we are in for...but what is worse, is no one ever warned us. I am trying to warn you :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
usetoschool Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 Amen, Sistah. Yeah, why didn't anyone say anything, warn us a little? Let us know that toddler tantrums and strong willed 8yo's are a walk in the park compared to know it all twenty-somethings who want our resources and non of our advice, who think we are just trying to control them instead of offering them some words of wisdom. Why can't they realize that we aren't control freaks but have lived through some cr*p and have some intel on how things work and what will really not go down so well? Why do they get to pick who they date. Really. What do they know?! Youth is so, totally, wasted on the young. This is TRUTH. :iagree: I had this exact (control vs. advice) conversation with one of my grown kids just two weeks ago. It was not pretty...sigh. I am constantly putting myself in my parents shoes - is this how they felt? is this what I did to them? Sorry mom. Really. And I was a pretty good kid, as are my kids. Parenting is so not for sissies!! I really feel for some of the moms on here who have such serious, painful problems with their kids. My heart breaks for them. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue in WI Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 Wow. That is very humbling. Thank you for posting this. I held my baby very tightly while I was reading your post. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted January 16, 2012 Author Share Posted January 16, 2012 I can SO relate. My husband looked at me the other day and said, "We wanted lots of kids, not adults!" My prayer life has definitely been ratcheted up a notch the last few years. Wow!! That is so true...kittens become Cats.... Faithe...who would really like her kittens back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 (edited) ***fingers in ears**** LALALlallallaaaaaaaa I can't hear you! Llllallallaallallalalaaaaa I say that but yes, you are right. And I know this all too well, already. Edited January 16, 2012 by justamouse Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 Oh man. So I'm getting through the high school years to face this??? Lord, have mercy. :eek: :leaving: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 All I can say is I feel your pain! And I'm like MamaT who said that her prayer life has grown over the past few years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 When they are little and behave poorly, you can just handle it. But, when they are older, and technically adults....well...our options are minimal. We need to stand by and watch while terrible things can, and often do, happen to them. This is the crux of the problem. It's not "parenting" any more. If you were still parenting your adult (and they were letting you,) I think it would be easier. Of course, it would also be wrong. So you know you're doing something right! I'm sending my oldest off into the world in about 6 months, I'm not looking forward to entering your world. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 Each year my mom escalates more on the road to sainthood. And my kids are only 5. And I only have 2 of them (she has 6). I keep telling my kids they can do anything they want that's legal after they turn 18. I am not sure they are the ones who need convincing, though. A little funny: my dd5 tends to like the "bad boys." She has stated she wanted to marry the Phantom of the Opera, among others. Well, there's this boy who got demoted from her KG because of behavior. She adores him. The other day she said, unprompted, as she flew through the kitchen, "Mom, I don't care if you like him or not, I'm gonna marry him when I'm 18." Hmm, in just 13 short years . . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 My prayers reach fever pitch at times these days, but I am trying very hard to rest in Him, knowing that He already knows all my fears and will anticipate all my needs.... I keep telling Him that I think He does this so that we can know just a little how He feels, as loving parent to all of us.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 Amen! Dealing with a houseful of small children - diapers, toys everywhere, missed naps, sleepless nights, sharing colds, bickering and generally not sharing, et.c etc. etc. is SO much easier. And way less emotional. I have a friend who has 5 little ones, she's always telling me how much she wants more - which is great, really (I have 6 so I know that experience)... but I keep thinking, "Yes, babies and preschoolers are fun, but then you have to deal with them growing up." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 ...they can drink illegally, using illegal, fake ID's to buy the booze; they can destroy school property while drinking; they can be fined (and guess who pays?).... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 OP said Their futures hang on a thread...and it is out of my hands to help them. I have no choice, but to put them in the hands of the Lord and pray He keeps them safe. Is there such a thing as safety?? You know what? I do pray for my kids' safety, but I have taken to praying something I find odd, as a protective mama bear-- I "release" God to use whatever he wants to draw my kids to him--so if a trajedy is the only way they will turn to Him, I say use whatever it is you want to use, Lord. I know in my heart of hearts that being with Him is the most important thing that can happen to them, even higher than keeping them safe. It is the hardest thing I've ever done, and I am not flip about it in the least. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmeraldGirl Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 seriously??? So, in a nutshell......yes...This is what we are in for...but what is worse, is no one ever warned us. I am trying to warn you :) I think my Mom tried to warm me when she said "You are going to have one just like you!" I just didn't understand, nor interpret correctly, "mommy language" yet. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted January 16, 2012 Author Share Posted January 16, 2012 My prayers reach fever pitch at times these days, but I am trying very hard to rest in Him, knowing that He already knows all my fears and will anticipate all my needs.... I keep telling Him that I think He does this so that we can know just a little how He feels, as loving parent to all of us.... Oh Goodness!!!! This has been on my heart too. My Jewish guilt is getting to me..... Faithe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted January 16, 2012 Author Share Posted January 16, 2012 OP said You know what? I do pray for my kids' safety, but I have taken to praying something I find odd, as a protective mama bear-- I "release" God to use whatever he wants to draw my kids to him--so if a trajedy is the only way they will turn to Him, I say use whatever it is you want to use, Lord. I know in my heart of hearts that being with Him is the most important thing that can happen to them, even higher than keeping them safe. It is the hardest thing I've ever done, and I am not flip about it in the least. I understand what you are saying Chris...and I agree....somewhat. Maybe that is what it will take for my kids to be drawn back into His arms...but I am not sure I can take it. We have seen enough tragedy...and heartbreak...and I am not sure I can handle much more. What hurts them...hurts me terribly too. I have released the older ones to find their own path....but I find myself shouting LOOK OUT FOR THE POTHOLES!!!!! Faithe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 Oh, I'm so in the middle of this. Two of my sons are picking the women they will likely (Lord willing!) spend the rest of their lives with. One is about to complete his degree and search for a job. Here? Somewhere else? I have no clue. Second ds is working very, very hard. He's chosen a "sweat of the brow" profession which is just right for him, but I worry a bit about whether he'll be able to support himself and a family through his aptitude for this particular career. He's involved with a sweet young lady, but she's much more...intelligent than he is, and I worry about whether she'll really respect my sweet & humble, hard-working ds. Third ds is making some choices academically which will, at this point, affect his future career possibilities. Doors are closing. :sad: The girls are still young, but oldest dd has a part-time job with a lot of responsibility for money and helping to keep a business running smoothly. It's a lot of responsibility for a 16yo. Really, none of my kids are doing "the wrong thing". On the contrary, they're doing fairly well. I'm proud of the young men my boys are turning out to be, and looking forward to seeing who my girls are as adults. I can't make them do things my way. I'm grateful that they still listen (and really hear) my advice. Still, there's a lot to pray about, and I'm learning to trust the Lord in a way I didn't even know that I wasn't before. :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted January 16, 2012 Author Share Posted January 16, 2012 Oh, I'm so in the middle of this. Two of my sons are picking the women they will likely (Lord willing!) spend the rest of their lives with. One is about to complete his degree and search for a job. Here? Somewhere else? I have no clue. Second ds is working very, very hard. He's chosen a "sweat of the brow" profession which is just right for him, but I worry a bit about whether he'll be able to support himself and a family through his aptitude for this particular career. He's involved with a sweet young lady, but she's much more...intelligent than he is, and I worry about whether she'll really respect my sweet & humble, hard-working ds. Third ds is making some choices academically which will, at this point, affect his future career possibilities. Doors are closing. :sad: The girls are still young, but oldest dd has a part-time job with a lot of responsibility for money and helping to keep a business running smoothly. It's a lot of responsibility for a 16yo. Really, none of my kids are doing "the wrong thing". On the contrary, they're doing fairly well. I'm proud of the young men my boys are turning out to be, and looking forward to seeing who my girls are as adults. I can't make them do things my way. I'm grateful that they still listen (and really hear) my advice. Still, there's a lot to pray about, and I'm learning to trust the Lord in a way I didn't even know that I wasn't before. :001_huh: Julie...my kids are really good kids too. They are straight A students...except ds...who never was :D, but he works hard and supports himself even at 20. It is OTHER people who come into their lives and try to ruin it. Seriously....my ds has an awesome girlfriend. She is bright, funny, pretty, fun to be around and adores him and us to a degree....LOL. My kids are not drinkers, smokers or promiscuous. They are just young adults, and making new decisions that will effect them for years to come...and since they are adults, it is difficult to tell them why such and such decision is a bad one...especially, if they are convinced it is a good one...KWIM?? I am also terribly proud of my kids and who they have turned out to be...but I wish I could still shield them from the junk that goes on in the world every day. I know I can't...just like my parents couldn't and their parents before them. Faithe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 I've only worked up the nerve to read and post on the high school board in the last year and now this. :svengo: I'm not ready. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 I can SO relate. My husband looked at me the other day and said, "We wanted lots of kids, not adults!" My prayer life has definitely been ratcheted up a notch the last few years. You said it! :iagree: No one prepares us for THIS stage. Ugh. SOme consolation in that we are all in it together.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4everHis Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 ]***fingers in ears****[/b] LALALlallallaaaaaaaa I can't hear you! Llllallallaallallalalaaaaa I say that but yes' date=' you are right. And I know this all too well, already.[/quote'] ok! I like this approach. . . does it work:willy_nilly: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrapbabe Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Oh man. So I'm getting through the high school years to face this??? Lord, have mercy. :eek: :leaving: :iagree:This is what I'm thinking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 One thing that I think helps my son is that he has a couple of older cousins and he has seen some of their mistakes and knows that he doesn't want to go down those roads. It's too bad he can't see *all* the other bad roads equally well, LOL! Also, one of his closest friends had an older brother who was heavily into drugs, got kicked out of his house regularly, got in trouble with the law, etc., etc. I think seeing that helped him to see that he needs to moderate any type of undesirable behavior, and avoid those behaviors that could be so addicting they'd do him long-term harm. My prayer mode is already geared up for next year, when he'll spend most of the year out of the country.... One thing at a time.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Bwahaha! I called my dad this week and thanked him for not killing me when I was 19 and asked for his secret before dealing with mine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laughing lioness Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I just read Lamott's book Imperfect Birds about the "normal" high school culture of the Bay Area. Kids dying of overdoses, sex, drugs, more sex, money, rock-n-roll, wondering what their foundation is, more drugs, sexing for drugs, and being crazy smart and p*ssing mean and disrespectful to their parents. K, in that perspective, my concerns and worries are pretty small. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted January 17, 2012 Author Share Posted January 17, 2012 I just read Lamott's book Imperfect Birds about the "normal" high school culture of the Bay Area. Kids dying of overdoses, sex, drugs, more sex, money, rock-n-roll, wondering what their foundation is, more drugs, sexing for drugs, and being crazy smart and p*ssing mean and disrespectful to their parents. K, in that perspective, my concerns and worries are pretty small. This is so...and these "normal kids" are the kids our kids need to be dealing with on a daily basis...These are the kids that are now 20 something. My kids have to deal with this daily...and I don't think they were ready....but, it was time. I did not keep my kids in the dark...and I have not led anything even close to a cloistered life....but even I am shocked and dismayed at the kids/ adult /children I am seeing. These are the roommates, classmates etc. that our kids have to live with and learn with. It is hard for them to deal with the stress of being thrust into an environment that is so much more depraved than I thought possible....sigh.... Faithe.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laughing lioness Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 This is so...and these "normal kids" are the kids our kids need to be dealing with on a daily basis...These are the kids that are now 20 something. My kids have to deal with this daily...and I don't think they were ready....but, it was time. I did not keep my kids in the dark...and I have not led anything even close to a cloistered life....but even I am shocked and dismayed at the kids/ adult /children I am seeing. These are the roommates, classmates etc. that our kids have to live with and learn with. It is hard for them to deal with the stress of being thrust into an environment that is so much more depraved than I thought possible....sigh....Faithe.... With ya, Girlfriend. Thanks for starting this thread. You put words to my feelings of cacophony and stress from the Christmas "vacation." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhonda in TX Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Harder than the teen years??? Please, God, say it's not so. I won't survive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandy in Indy Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Yup, I could have written the OP. Learning to parent as the kids become adults is a tough, tough task. Give me a 2-yr-old any day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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