What happened to my dd13?

[Night Elf]

She has become withdrawn, staying in her room a great deal. Her major two comforts are writing and listening to music. She has a couple of really good friends, one who still homeschools and one who went to public high school this year. But they are all tight friends. Over the past few months, she just seems to be more moody. She declines offers I give to do things together, preferring to talk with her friends (usually skype). She wears her ipod ALL the time. She has one earbud in and has background music at all times. She can't study without music and usually listens to instrumental or foreign music. She sleeps with relaxing music, like classical or Reiki. We went out to eat Tuesday night and her ipod died and she became surly at the table, but she did check her attitude when I called her on it. She said she just doesn't feel comfortable when she doesn't have music around her.

 

Oh, she's never rude. She doesn't talk back or say mean things to any of us. She still helps around the house although I usually have to ask, where before she would just do things without prompting.

 

And last night was the kicker. I found her crying. I finally got her to talk and she is just so unhappy at home. Not with schooling, but overall. She said she's tired of looking at the same walls, in the same house, going up and down the same driveway, driving down the same streets, going to the same stores. She wants to travel and she hates being so young and being stuck at home. Her dream is to go to London and she even asked about study abroad programs and if I would let her go but she said she hasn't looked into anything. She also feels like she is longing for a serious relationship, not just a boyfriend and not something cutesy in a honeymoon period, but a good, stable, steady, deep love. I have no idea where this is coming from. She's so young to think about something like that.

 

Her future plan is to graduate high school at age 17 and go straight into college. She wants to live in a dorm. Here she mentions she doesn't want a boyfriend because she doesn't want to get distracted from her plan. She wants to major in psychology and get a graduate degree. Then she wants to move to London to practice. When she talks about it though, she is so impatient for the end result. She says time is too slow and she just wants to get on with her life and not be penalized for being so young. AND then she gets even more upset when she thinks her plan may not go according to what she wants and she worries she won't be able to have the things she wants to do.

 

Do I have a 20-something on my hands? I've always gotten comments about her maturity level being so high. Her drama class teacher and peers were stunned when she turned 13. They thought she was already 15 going on 16. Why is she in such a hurry to grow WAY up? I wasn't thinking about such adult issues when I was her age. Any experience with this? Any advice on how to handle this by being delicate and not condescending. I don't want to insult her intelligence nor do I want to dismiss her feelings. But I don't know what to say or do. :(

[Bluegoat]

I think I felt that way quite a bit around that age.

 

Hormones and stuff are kicking in is I suspect a big part of it. But also I think our culture is really hard for teenagers, especially the younger ones. they are so much in a holding pattern, really ready for the responsibilities of adulthood in many ways but not allowed to really do much about it.

 

Inn other places and generations, kids that age were working, getting married, having kids, going away from home sometimes. Even among the Mennonites I used to live close to, teens were out cutting our hayfield in the middle of the night on the tractor, alone.

 

I think part of the solution is just reassurance that all these things will come in due time. But also, i think looking to really significant contributions and such that kids can make is in order. Unfortunately it can be hard to find those kinds of opportunities for teens outside the home these days. I;ve known some kids who had good luck with starting their own business.

[TKDmom]

Being 13 stinks. :grouphug:

 

I don't have any advice. My oldest is ten, but she has moments like that, and I'm not looking forward to full-blown puberty.

 

When I was 13, I remember getting depressed, playing on my gameboy until 4am (during the summer), and just wishing that something would change in my life. I think needed more purpose in life than what I had.

[katilac]

Sounds like an extreme case of 13.

 

I wouldn't comment one way or the other on her wanting a deep, steady love. My thought is that she wants MORE, and she wants MEANING, and she wants CONNECTION. Romantic love is a handy and ubiquitous way to express that. I wouldn't tell her she's too young for that or extended travel, that never goes over well, but I would work on guiding her in other ways to gain meaning and purpose in her life.

 

Is she getting regular exercise? That's one simple factor in smoothing out a teen's life and helping them to think clearly.

 

Is her schoolwork challenging enough?

 

Volunteer work can add meaning to anyone's life.

 

I would require at least one outside-the-house activity if she doesn't have one, and regular family activities - as in, don't offer, just tell her the family IS doing such-and-such (or the two of you, whatever works). If she asks why, tell her it's because it's important to do things as a family. Tell her she can choose sometimes but she has to go. Also add in some required school field trips. Lots of teens would choose to hibernate in their room - heck, that's my tendency - but that doesn't make it a good thing. Brooding breeds brooding.

 

I would not allow ipods at the dinner table or in company. I'd allow them in the car or waiting at the doctor, etc, but not at the zoo or the museum. She may feel uncomfortable without music in part b/c she has made such a habit of always having it, and it's also a social crutch and distraction. It's easier than fully engaging.

 

Travel? That's a great idea, honey, do some research and get back to me. Send off for some pamphlets! Figure out how you're going to pay for it!

 

One idea that's very age-appropriate is to have her start listing colleges she might want to visit. I told my 13-yr-old dd that we would start college visits next year, when's she's a freshman, and she is crazy excited about that (as is her lil' sis). We're not doing the whole "narrow down to 10 and then visit" thing. Partially b/c I think some visits should come first, and partially b/c it's a great way to motivate them and make the distant goal of college relevant NOW. Ongoing career research will be part of our high school curriculum, too.

 

If all else fails, tell her you will make her listen

over and over until she steps it up :D

[Joyofsixreboot]

It's thirteen-ness. :grouphug:

[dangermom]

I'm a traveler at heart too. I was 12 when I decided I wanted to be an exchange student--and I spent my junior year in Scandinavia. :001_smile: My short-term suggestion is to take her out of town for a weekend. Sometimes you just gotta get out of town, you know? I haven't been able to go much of anywhere for a long time (money!) and it actually does feel wearing.* When I got to take a trip down to my old hometown last June, it was farther than I'd been in years (all of a 7-hour drive!) and it was so great. So, try to go somewhere fun that's not too far for a couple of days, that might take the edge off.

 

In the long-term, you could start to seriously discuss an exchange trip of some kind, or an educational trip, or something. There are zillions of options. If you belong to a church they might have a program, or maybe they do mission trips (ours does not so I don't know how that works) or even just a youth retreat somewhere out of town. Have her start researching exchange programs like YFU, AFS, or Rotary. She can start earning travel money and putting it in an account. I bet that would go a long way towards helping her feel in control of her future and like she is going somewhere. (This is where you need to get her started, because she isn't experienced enough to know how many things there are to do and how to find them. She has the desire but not the know-how to find them. If you don't know either, ask your friendly neighborhood public librarian.)

 

You might also look into hosting an exchange student. There are often local programs that are looking for hosts for, say, Japanese girls for 3 weeks at a time--not too much of a commitment and really fun. (I'd be doing this if we weren't very squished in our house.) My good friend has been hosting a student teacher from China for the past year--she's an adult with a job so it's not as wearing as having a teen, but it's been a wonderful experience for the whole family.

 

I'm betting that if you help her come up with some ideas and goals, it will help and she'll be happier.

 

 

 

 

 

*Here is my pathetic confession--if I let myself think about the fact that we haven't been able to travel at all, I get enormously self-pitying. I start crying right away, I want to travel so much. It's dumb because I have a home and a wonderful family and more than most people in the world, so I suck it up and control it, but I'm an adult. If your daughter feels like that, I totally get her, and she would have a much harder time because she's a young teen and not good at the whole self-control thing yet.

Edited January 12, 2012 by dangermom

[Starr]

This is a difficult time for her. I think it helps not to withdraw into yourself at times like this. I would be sure she spends plenty of family time and is off of the electronics most of the time. Help her to reengage the world around her and work toward her future plans. It's hard to wait but as we all know 13 isn't completely "cooked" yet.

[regentrude]

I think what your DD experiences is very typical for the age.

My 14 y/o can not wait to move out, to be on her own, to go to college at age 17. We have a great relationship, this is nothing about our family - it is a young person resenting being stuck in the position of "child" and wanting to spread her wings. She hates our town (so do I) and loves travel (we all do).

 

Does your DD have any activities she is passionate about, and that she can pursue on her own, without parental involvement? My DD has been riding since she was 10, and when we leased a horse when she was 13, it did her sooo much good: to be at the barn every day, to have actual responsibilities, to interact with other young women, most of them older, past the teenage angst, well into their college work or even in grad school. She has benefit tremendously from this environment and from having "her own thing" where she can practice independence.

 

Maybe you can find an outlet for your DD, where she can be independent and in charge and can practice acting like an adult? I believe this is what young people need at this age.

[Night Elf]

Thanks ladies! My oldest dd wasn't living with me until she turned 14 yrs. old and I didn't see her going through any of this.

 

Dd13's only outside activity is a weekly drama class. She's in her 2nd year and thoroughly enjoys it, although she's taking it for entertainment only and not to act. So she does feel a little different from the rest of the kids. She has class tonight in fact and is quite perky!

 

She asked to go out with dd19 and me today to do some shopping. I was surprised and it was so fun to be out with both of my girls! But yes, she did have her ipod.

 

I wish I could think of other activities or volunteer opportunities but I'm drawing a blank. At the beginning of the year, I got her to go to a Girl Scouts meeting. The troop looked promising, but the girls had been together for a while and she felt sort of the odd man out. Then we waited and waited to hear back for the next meeting. 5 weeks later, I get an email talking about the meeting they held the night before and I was so upset. They obviously had us on the email list because we got that email but we were not notified of the meeting itself. So we dropped that idea.

 

I was trying to give her space but I think I'll push a little harder to get her out of her room. She does love playing board games, especially logic type games so I think I will pursue that avenue.

 

We haven't talked about specific colleges. She actually has a webquest at the end of Algebra 1 that has her researching 4 schools. I think she's about 2 months away from finishing. I bet she'll love that assignment. It doesn't have researching majors but that is something I can ask her to do which will probably be of interest to her.

 

I like the idea that she might be looking for more meaning and connection. I need to give that some serious thought.

 

Thank you ladies for putting my mind at rest. I know there are signs of depression to watch out for but I am just not feeling that is the issue. I'll just have to keep an eye on things so it doesn't develop into that.

[mama2cntrykids]

That is a rough time. I remember it. It didn't help that I was having a lot of family issues either plus moving across country to a totally different life...HARD.

 

Anyway, I'm hoping when my ds (who's currently is 11) is that age to be doing short term missions trips with him. I think we'd both get so much from it as well as GIVING so much through it. I'm looking forward to that kind of stuff with my kids.

 

I know that's not much of a suggestion, just giving you an option (missions work). Does she like animals? Could she volunteer at a humane society?

Edited January 12, 2012 by mama2cntrykids

[Ester Maria]

It is called "being 13". :001_smile: Extremely, extremely common - in fact, I am a bit surprised that you are surprised by it, LOL. Were you really not a bit like that at her age? I always thought it was pretty much universal, with perhaps some rare exceptions.

 

If possible, do send her away a little during her teenage years - if not on a fully fledged exchange abroad, how about a semester in another state (maybe in some kind of a boarding school / alternative school program) or some kind of a summer mobility, extended camp or something like that? It is amazing what kind of a change in maturity can happen as a result of a change of climate ;), I grew up with parents who pretty much thought that "a change of climate" - i.e. travel - was a cure for nearly all and for people of our disposition, it has worked. If nothing else, then at least some sort of weekend retreats someplace else. Just for the sake of it. A little change. It does good to the soul.

 

They are in such a hurry to grow up at this age! Yet again, it is good to think that someday they will look fondly back even upon this "miserable" stage of their lives. It is just something they have to go through. Growing pains, but of an emotional maturity kind. They have to make that gradual transition from a child to an adult, and they are "stuck" in a society of prolonged childhood, which makes it somewhat more agonizing for the more mature ones among them. Being self-absorbed at this age is normal too.

[jhschool]

I mean this very respectfully, and only because I

think you are looking for advice.

 

I really think the excessive use of electronics are

affecting your child. Being connected to an iPod

for more than 1 hour a day seems to me that it

could affect her moods, her inner clock, and her

sense of normalcy.

 

I would remove all electronics (computer, iPod)

for most of the day. Maybe 1/2 hour a day to talk

to her friends on Skype and 1/2 hour a day listening

to music on the iPod. More than that I think might

not be so good for a kid.

[J-rap]

Sounds like an extreme case of 13.

 

I wouldn't comment one way or the other on her wanting a deep, steady love. My thought is that she wants MORE, and she wants MEANING, and she wants CONNECTION. Romantic love is a handy and ubiquitous way to express that. I wouldn't tell her she's too young for that or extended travel, that never goes over well, but I would work on guiding her in other ways to gain meaning and purpose in her life.

 

Is she getting regular exercise? That's one simple factor in smoothing out a teen's life and helping them to think clearly.

 

Is her schoolwork challenging enough?

 

Volunteer work can add meaning to anyone's life.

 

I would require at least one outside-the-house activity if she doesn't have one, and regular family activities - as in, don't offer, just tell her the family IS doing such-and-such (or the two of you, whatever works). If she asks why, tell her it's because it's important to do things as a family. Tell her she can choose sometimes but she has to go. Also add in some required school field trips. Lots of teens would choose to hibernate in their room - heck, that's my tendency - but that doesn't make it a good thing. Brooding breeds brooding.

 

I would not allow ipods at the dinner table or in company. I'd allow them in the car or waiting at the doctor, etc, but not at the zoo or the museum. She may feel uncomfortable without music in part b/c she has made such a habit of always having it, and it's also a social crutch and distraction. It's easier than fully engaging.

 

Travel? That's a great idea, honey, do some research and get back to me. Send off for some pamphlets! Figure out how you're going to pay for it!

 

One idea that's very age-appropriate is to have her start listing colleges she might want to visit. I told my 13-yr-old dd that we would start college visits next year, when's she's a freshman, and she is crazy excited about that (as is her lil' sis). We're not doing the whole "narrow down to 10 and then visit" thing. Partially b/c I think some visits should come first, and partially b/c it's a great way to motivate them and make the distant goal of college relevant NOW. Ongoing career research will be part of our high school curriculum, too.

 

If all else fails, tell her you will make her listen

over and over until she steps it up :D

 

A lot of great ideas here, I think. I think 13 and up kids often take themselves too seriously, but of course you can't tell them that. What you CAN do is try and take her mind off of herself. Brooding and listening to a lot of music can make it worse.

 

To help her feel excited about something and feel a sense of adventure/freedom coming up, can you help her plan a fun camp to go to next summer? This was a first step for my kids once they started feeling antsy. There are so many camps nowadays, some close to home but others out of state that might still be reasonable. Our son went to an outdoor biology camp on the west coast one summer. A daughter attended a musical theater camp. Several attended a Christian camp.

 

Until then, would it be feasible for you and her to go on a little weekend away? Stay one night at a bed and breakfast or somewhere? Does she have a good friend whose mom is a good friend of yours that you could even do this with? Perhaps you could go to a different city nearby that has interesting museums. Or, if you are in a city already, you could go to a b&b out in the country to get a whole different experience. Maybe you could set the guideline that no electronics are allowed. :)

[Pippen]

Would she be interested in taking something like a dance class that would give her another outside the house activity? My daughter's studio has several classes (hip hop, musical theater) that teens can comfortably enter even if they don't have previous dance experience.

[Donna]

As soon as I read the "she's 13" I almost knew what was coming next. I didn't have the crying with my boys but I remember being a girl that age and there was lots of crying. My boys' personalities changed for about 1.5 years starting at 12 and they are both finally back to a new "normal" that is easier to deal with. LOL

 

I agree that limiting the use of electronics is important at this age and I do it with my boys. They need to be completely unplugged when doing homework so they can concentrate and learn properly. I also make a big effort to spend time with them and do things as a family now and then to keep their "hearts" and have them talk to me about things going on in their lives.

[Laura in MI]

I think it's a mix of being 13 and needing more things to do. :001_smile:

 

Is there any other club/sport/etc that she's interested in? What about a babysitting class? (my dd13 took this class to get certified and now she can babysit alot more).

[Haiku]

She sounds fairly normal to me.

 

Oh, she's never rude.

 

The iPod episode sounds rude to me. Were it me, I'd set limits. My dd is not allowed to listen to her iPod when doing things with the family or going out in public (unless it's to take the bus to school). I work in a retail store, and people come and try to transact business with me with earbuds stuck in their heads. It's really rude. If you want to buy something from me, take out your darn earbuds and communicate with me.

 

She said she just doesn't feel comfortable when she doesn't have music around her.

 

Well, yeah. First, she has made it a habit, and second, it's a way to throw up a screen between her and the world. She can still be half in her own brooding world if she's not fully engaged with the world around her.

 

I don't want to insult her intelligence nor do I want to dismiss her feelings. But I don't know what to say or do. :(

 

My best suggestion is just to listen to her. She probably doesn't want the benefit of your wisdom. She just wants to be taken seriously.

 

My other advice is not to let her just hang out in her cave all the time. Insist that she interact with the family, and schedule some regular times to do so. It's fine to have some alone time in your room but not if it's just for excessive brooding.

 

ETA: I completely agree with those who suggest limiting the time she's "plugged in."

 

Tara

Edited January 13, 2012 by TaraTheLiberator

[Teachin'Mine]

Thirteen is such a hard age. The nice thing about it is that it only lasts a year and is followed by being 14, which in our experience was a great year. Writing and music are great outlets for their emotions at 13. :grouphug:

[Night Elf]

It is called "being 13". :001_smile: Extremely, extremely common - in fact, I am a bit surprised that you are surprised by it, LOL. Were you really not a bit like that at her age? I always thought it was pretty much universal, with perhaps some rare exceptions.

 

Oh I really am surprised! I don't remember feeling like that until I was 15. That was when I went through my phase of wearing all dark clothes and writing poetry about being all alone, saying stuff like 'To die is to live a better life.' I hated school and I wanted to run away and hang out with a friend who had dropped out of school. She made it seem so glorious. But my 8th grade year was great. It was my first year in high school. We did 8th through 12th. I felt so grown up to be in high school! I had my first boyfriend. I just remember it as a good year.

[Night Elf]

Okay, thanks for the advice about the music. I haven't thought about it in the same way as some of you. As I sit here writing this, my DH is on the sofa working (software support with HP) and we're listening to the oldies station. Dd13 has such an eclectic taste in music, it's funny. She sings along with Korean, Japanese and Swedish songs.

 

I cannot think of any opportunity for her to travel away from home alone, especially after the recent thread about studying abroad. I really wouldn't mind her being away but I certainly don't want her put into some uncomfortable or scary situation. She isn't a religious person so any type of missions trip is out of the question. I guess I can look into a summer camp but how do I know I'm finding something good there? Last summer, she did a 1-week day program for teenagers through our local parks dept. She went with a friend which made it fun.

 

Maybe I should start a separate thread about finding summer programs for teenagers. I just found a website that lists all sorts of them but how on earth do I decide if they are truly good or not? I'll have to spend some time today researching this. She would absolutely LOVE a trip away this summer.

[WTMCassandra]

I would like to provide perhaps a different take on this situation.

 

I definitely agree with the others that spending lots of time screening the world through electronics is feeding the problem. I agree with setting fairly serious limits on them, and DEFINITELY not allowing them out in public.

 

I also think it might be nice to offer a weekend away, but honestly, I think I would make it a NICE weekend, but then say, "I am willing to have a special getaway with you at X cool place, but the iPod would need to stay home. I think you two need some time apart. Are you willing?"

 

Also, after I read the whole post, my first thought was, "Well, she feels like time crawls and that she is sick of the same-old-same-old because she isn't DOING anything with her life." I think that she needs to get over herself (I'm not saying this snarkily but kindly). I would start dragging the family to the homeless shelter, Meals on Wheels, the food bank, a DV shelter nursery, therapeutic horse barn, animal shelter, short-term missions, or SOMEWHERE she can make a difference. Perhaps she will find a passion and then be off with it. I agree with Margaret in CO that it's time she start giving back to the world.

 

I think that teens need a larger purpose outside themselves, and I think it's an innate need in all of us. She is not a child anymore. Ideally, the family has a larger/purpose mission and at about 13 the children get involved, but if that's not happening, the child can find her own purpose. She does need scaffolding, guidance, and help to find it this young, but the urge to DO something, BE something, is A Good Thing.