Please help me to not kill anyone!

[scrapbabe]

Okay, I need some help. It should be simple, but it seems impossible. Some of you probably know my story, so I'll make this short. I have hated moving and starting our own business. I have sacrificed more than I could even tell you. I need to find a way to give myself some alone time, but it seems impossible. Here's our day:

 

I get up around 8 and we start school at 9ish. I teach school until lunchtime. Hubby is here during school but not really "here". He's making phone calls or things like that. After lunch he heads to the karate studio (our business). He is there until 9 or 10 at night. My oldest joins him after dinner to help teach classes. My 11 year old is not mature enough to be left home... and he has anxiety issues.

 

So I'm good until about dinner time. By then I've put in a 10 hour work day. I start to get tired and grumpy and super short with my kids. But hubby won't be home until bedtime or after. So I'm at work from 8am until 9pm. It is KILLING me. I need a break. Hubby says I should go out after lunch before he leaves or before my son leaves. Okay, what on earth am I going to do in the afternoon? Get groceries? That's not a break. I have nowhere to go and no one to go with and no money to do it. That doesn't seem like a real solution.

 

Then by the end of the day I'm so irritated and wiped out I can hardly stand the thought of starting again tomorrow. Any ideas? Like real ideas on how to make time for me, and what on earth does that look like? I am super ultra grumpy tonight!!

[joannqn]

I'd do the best that I could with hubby's suggestion of after lunch.

 

Could you take a bubble bath?

Take a nice long walk?

Find a local moms/friends to meet for coffee?

Hang out at the coffee shop by yourself knitting/crocheting/reading in front of their fireplace?

 

Is there a day/night that the studio is closed that you can go on a date with hubby or go out for dinner/movie/coffee with moms you know, or even by yourself?

[Alenee]

Agreeing with JoAnn about the lunch break and a bath or walk or nap. Also, I'd consider setting up two "quiet times" during the day. One after lunch for about an hour and then one after dinner. Kids to their rooms with books, puzzles, games, etc. Anything that will keep them interested and quiet. We've been doing the one after lunch for a few months now and it's perfect for everyone. I've done the night-time one for years. Everybody needs down-time. It's totally OK to do this! HTH

[RoughCollie]

I would declare 2 hours of quiet time (nap, read, play quietly) and go in my bedroom and shut the door. I'd either read and listen to music or nap.

 

Or I would go to the library and read the free magazines, as long as a responsible person was actually actively supervising the youngest child.

 

If I had a friend who lived close by, I'd visit her.

[KidsHappen]

One of my assignments (from pdoc) is to leave the house once a week and to go for a drive once a week, two seperate events. So I am supposed to go out and drive for at least a hour once a week. I usually listen to music and use the time to think. One of my favorite things to do on the leave the house and go to a destination assignment is to go to the library and just browse. I find both of these activities to be relaxing and enjoyable. Perhaps something like these?

[Trilliums]

:grouphug:

 

We didn't start a business but DH used to have a schedule like that in his previous job except he just left the house at 8am and wasn't home until around 10pm. It was draining for both of us!

 

One thing I did was spend time on my interests--for me this was gardening. The kids would be outside with me, but doing their own thing. I also put family harmony as my top priority and emphasized to the kids working together, helping out, and conflict resolution just to help the evenings go better.

 

Maybe come up with some simple things you can do while your older son is still home. Take a long bath with candles and nice scents. Give yourself a pedicure. Look through gardening catalogs :), do a simple sewing project, take a nap, dance to music, go to a thrift store or a book store and browse. Maybe it sounds crazy, but find someplace to volunteer for an hour or two a week (food pantry, crises centers, etc) by yourself...around other adults! Can you get the kids making dinner one or two nights a week?

[tex-mex]

A nap?

[Julie Smith]

Perhaps if you post your very general where abouts some people who live in your area can PM you with some ideas. Hay, you might even end up being able to meet someone in real live.

 

It happened to me. :)

[In2why]

I like to go to the library for me time. Not to pick up materials or be Mommy/teacher but to read a magazine, look for something for me to read, or look at exhibits. It might seem strange, but I like the near silence and aloneness even though I am in a public place.

The other consideration is whether you recharge yourself being with others or being alone. Introvert versus Extrovert. If you need others, then I would do lunch with someone, or meet up for coffee. If not then look for things to do by yourself. Another crazy silly thing I like to do is get my hair trimmed. Not for the haircut but to get my hair washed. It is like a massage but for a tenth of the cost. I tell the assistant that I am stressed and not in a rush and she ususally takes her time unless it is really busy, which it isn't in the middle of the day. Then I get the cheap trim (think a cheap place since you aren't getting a style change) They use nice products, blow dry my hair, I look better and I feel better for 20 bucks plus a tip.

Another suggestion if you like activity and people to recharge is to take a class, any class, a standing appointment to do something for you. I like pottery, but yoga works too. But only you know what you might like, and it is okay to try something and find out it isn't what you like, so ask for an introductory session if possible.

[MariannNOVA]

:iagree: with what everyone else has written. And, I understand what you are saying. The library is great. Sending everyone to their rooms for 90 minutes or so for quiet time is great......it should be required that we all do that every day. ;)

 

You 'can' window shop....you don't have to buy anything. I love going up and down the aisles of Barnes and Noble, HomeGoods, the Hallmark store, Tuesday Morning -- anywhere that someone isn't running up to me saying: 'Can you buy me this? I have money at home and I will pay you back?':glare:

 

I always hated the idea of going out and being alone because it meant that I woul dhave to return to the situation/environment that was dragging me down in the first place. I'm over that -- I can walk into any store and lose myself in what I see without any intention of buying anything. It's totally selfish and mindless and I highly recommend it.

[*Inna*]

A nap. :D

 

If I get a bit of time for myself and don't want to be around people, I buy a coffee, park in a nice quiet and shady spot, and just read a book in peace and quiet while sipping my coffee. Ahhhh... I call it a date with myself. :tongue_smilie:

 

Library or a book store. Avoid the kids section.

[Dandelion]

How do you recharge? What helps you destress? What would you do with a few hours when you get them? It might help to define that for yourself first so you can be more specific with your DH in terms of how much time you need and when.

 

Is there an office or spare room at the karate studio where your two younger kids could hang out for a few hours a couple times a week (while your DH and older DS are teaching classes) so you can have some alone time? Would they be able to entertain themselves (read, etc.)?

 

You mentioned you do school in the morning, while your DH is still home. Would you be able to move school to the afternoon a couple times a week, so you can have the entire morning to yourself while your DH is home with the kids?

:grouphug:

Edited January 10, 2012 by Dandelion

[5LittleMonkeys]

Why can't you have your time in the morning and do school in the afternoon? Your oldest is 14 and youngest is 7 so could they hang out with dad (I know you say dh isn't "there" but maybe he needs to be before you have a nervous breakdown) and you could work on hobbies, read, take a long bath, go for a walk, shopping...whatever...the point being that you are OFF DUTY until lunchtime.

 

Then at 8pm 7 and 11 need to be either in bed for the night or at the very least in their rooms giving you some peace and quiet.

 

Maybe I'll get flamed for this but from your post it sounds like you are kind of being left to parent alone. Your dh isn't around to spend time with the dc and give you a break in the evening like your typical family so he needs to step up and fill that role in the morning when he is home.

 

Your situation would cause a lot of animosity in my home. :grouphug: I hope you can find a solution soon.

[StephanieZ]

1) Go out in the afternoon and get some exercise. I LOVE to run, so that's what I'd choose. A walk with a girl friend or solo is also a great option. Or a bike. Or anything. If it affordable for you, take a daytime yoga class. Exercise IS THE SOLUTION to many of life's stresses. I SO wish I'd discovered running years ago!

 

2) Get those little kids to BED very shortly after dinner. Move up their bed time early enough that you get some totally YOU time at home solo. It'd be nice. Right after dinner, it should be bath & jammie time. I'd have them in bed by 8, and allow them to read alone in bed for 30-60 more minutes ONLY IF I NEVER SEE OR HEAR THEM. Then, I'd do a fly-by the beds at lights-out time, click off the lights, give a kiss, and then go read a great book, take a nap, watch junk on TV . . .

 

ETA: We own a family business. Started it when kids were 7/4/1 and it almost killed us. I *do* understand how overwhelmingly hard it is. Noone who has not owned a small business can comprehend the amount of work required to make it succeed. You have to just SURVIVE right now w/o permanently damaging your relationships with your husband and kids. It is SO MUCH STRESS, that you really need to do whatever you can to moderate the stress.

 

Other ideas:

+ Eat simply. Don't stress about fancy meals. Healthy, easy.

+ Don't worry about the house. Unless it is unsanitary, the mess is OK.

+ Get/use whatever help you can get from family/friends/etc.

 

It gets easier after the first couple years. Year three things got a lot easier for us. Now, in year 8, things are pretty mellow, and the investments are paying off.

Edited January 10, 2012 by StephanieZ

[LBS]

Nap.

[JennifersLost]

Pick up a copy of "The Artist's Way" from your library and read about taking "artist dates" - she has good ideas about how to nourish your creative self and this seems like an opportunity for that. You don't have to spend a lot of money - go to a coffee shop that carries different local artists' work, have a mug of tea and let yourself really look at all the different pieces of art and decide which one you like best.

 

Or go to a fabric store and just enjoy looking, and touching, all those different colors and textures.

 

Or go to the library and just read in the stacks.

 

Or go for a walk downtown or in a park - at your pace rather than the kids.

 

Can you afford a 10 pack of passes to a local gym? I never get a monthly pass or a membership - way too expensive and I don't go that often. Going once in awhile a for a good run while you watch their TVs or listen to a book on tape can be great.

[Aggie]

1) Go out in the afternoon and get some exercise. I LOVE to run, so that's what I'd choose. A walk with a girl friend or solo is also a great option. Or a bike. Or anything. If it affordable for you, take a daytime yoga class. Exercise IS THE SOLUTION to many of life's stresses. I SO wish I'd discovered running years ago!

 

2) Get those little kids to BED very shortly after dinner. Move up their bed time early enough that you get some totally YOU time at home solo. It'd be nice. Right after dinner, it should be bath & jammie time. I'd have them in bed by 8, and allow them to read alone in bed for 30-60 more minutes ONLY IF I NEVER SEE OR HEAR THEM. Then, I'd do a fly-by the beds at lights-out time, click off the lights, give a kiss, and then go read a great book, take a nap, watch junk on TV . . .

 

ETA: We own a family business. Started it when kids were 7/4/1 and it almost killed us. I *do* understand how overwhelmingly hard it is. Noone who has not owned a small business can comprehend the amount of work required to make it succeed. You have to just SURVIVE right now w/o permanently damaging your relationships with your husband and kids. It is SO MUCH STRESS, that you really need to do whatever you can to moderate the stress.

 

Other ideas:

+ Eat simply. Don't stress about fancy meals. Healthy, easy.

+ Don't worry about the house. Unless it is unsanitary, the mess is OK.

+ Get/use whatever help you can get from family/friends/etc.

 

It gets easier after the first couple years. Year three things got a lot easier for us. Now, in year 8, things are pretty mellow, and the investments are paying off.

 

:iagree: with everything Stephanie wrote. Dh and I don't have a business, but I watched my parents with theirs. Nothing but hard work, lots of time, and much stress.

 

Personally, I would get up early and go to a gym or out for a walk/run. Can you find a friend to go with you?

 

One cheap hobby is gardening. You can put a LOT of money into it, but you can also go very cheap. Lowe's always has a 1/2 price rack. As much as I love to garden, not one of my dc will come out there for anything! Seems that when I have company, I always find something for them to do. ;) I turn my iPod on loud, dig in the dirt, plant pretty flowers, pull weeds, just relax. It's glorious.

[scrapbabe]

Maybe I'll get flamed for this but from your post it sounds like you are kind of being left to parent alone. Your dh isn't around to spend time with the dc and give you a break in the evening like your typical family so he needs to step up and fill that role in the morning when he is home. QUOTE]

 

No flaming here. This is absolutely the truth. It isn't ideal for either of us, but the reality is that he is gone or working most of the time. At least I'm not working there anymore. I used to go in and work afternoons/evenings as well. I think he is willing to step up. I have told him I need a break and he agrees. I just haven't found something to do. Usually I'm too mad to come up with something when we discuss it. That's why I came here for some perspective from people who aren't emotionally connected to the situation. You all have been amazing! I appreciate your responses and have much to think about. Thank you so much!

[Teachin'Mine]

How about older son takes younger son out - to a park or anywhere they can walk to if he's not driving - and you get some alone time in the house? If that doesn't work, then maybe your husband could take both of them out for a bit before he leaves for work.

[justamouse]

Do you enjoy reading? Can you call a Mom's Break, from, say 2-3/2-4 and just turn everything off and enjoy yourself? That's the only way I found to deal with things when they were crazy.

 

My Dh leaves at 7:15 am and doesn't get back in the house until about 9/10 pm.

 

We started our own business 10 years ago, and moved for it, too, so I totally get how much you sacrifice.

 

Cook simply, make enough one day so you can have it them next day. Get out and walk. Just being outside and puttering makes you feel better.

 

And, as much as it seems fair, that daddy help, in some cases that's just not reality. You could say that I single parented for about 7 years, but I wasn't the one out working, too, so we could eat.

 

You need to realize you're both in the foxhole together. You're directing the army at home, he's out battling it for the business every day. You both work hard and reap the rewards.

[curlygirlzx2]

I also go the library and read magazines during my one hour of free time every Thursday. It's very relaxing and I never have to spend money on magazines.

[Mommy22alyns]

I would declare 2 hours of quiet time (nap, read, play quietly) and go in my bedroom and shut the door. I'd either read and listen to music or nap.

 

Or I would go to the library and read the free magazines, as long as a responsible person was actually actively supervising the youngest child.

 

If I had a friend who lived close by, I'd visit her.

 

 

:iagree: I'd get alone in the house, read, get online, knit/crochet/cross stitch, or like Joann said take a bath! Your kids are definitely old enough where they don't need you every second.

[Amy in NH]

I find grocery shopping BY MYSELF to be a bit of a break... :D

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

Unless I'm doing it in a hurry between dropping someone off and picking them back up.:glare:

[DesertDweller]

I always took a nap. Usually every day at some point after lunch. I had to or I couldn't get through the day, and at least for thirty minutes. Longer if necessary. The kids knew to either work on school work or find something to do, but they knew not to disturb me or get into anything.

[Paintedlady]

After you have lunch, go to your room and lay down, whether you nap or read or just close your eyes. Insist on quiet, and not being interrupted, unless there's a fire or someone is bleeding to death. Take that hour for yourself and rejuvenate.

[scrapbabe]

Do you enjoy reading? Can you call a Mom's Break, from, say 2-3/2-4 and just turn everything off and enjoy yourself? That's the only way I found to deal with things when they were crazy.

 

My Dh leaves at 7:15 am and doesn't get back in the house until about 9/10 pm.

 

We started our own business 10 years ago, and moved for it, too, so I totally get how much you sacrifice.

 

Cook simply, make enough one day so you can have it them next day. Get out and walk. Just being outside and puttering makes you feel better.

 

And, as much as it seems fair, that daddy help, in some cases that's just not reality. You could say that I single parented for about 7 years, but I wasn't the one out working, too, so we could eat.

 

You need to realize you're both in the foxhole together. You're directing the army at home, he's out battling it for the business every day. You both work hard and reap the rewards.

Thanks for the reminder. I do realize he's out working hard too and I'm grateful for it. He finds joy in doing karate which really charges him...so he gets a daily boost at work...which is great. He's more pleasant than he was before owning his own business and doing what he loves. So this Momma needs to find something that charges me everyday so I can be pleasant too.

[Princess Peach]

I would exercise, definitely. Either join a gym or go out for a brisk walk/run. It will do wonders for your mood and you'll be doing something for you every day.

[butterflymommy]

I lock myself in my bedroom when I need a break. Taking a shower or bath is a nice escape too. Doing yard work alone is another way I get me time.

[UnsinkableKristen]

I'll put my vote in for running, too.

 

I started running after a emotionally rough pregnancy and recovery, and all I could think of was "This feels like I am actually running away from all my problems" LOL. But when I got home, my head felt clearer, my body felt stronger, and the mess didn't seem so unconquerable. It was a miracle worker for me.

 

 

I bet the last part of your day will go MUCH better, if you run out some of the tension you get in the first part of it :)

[ciyates]

I agree with changing the schedule around! Have oldest do school in the am while DH spends time with the youngest.

 

1. If you like to shop go to Goodwill. It is a great place to waste the day looking for this and that and the inventory changes all the time.

2. Take a class at the community center (usually really cheap)

3. Take a class at the local CC (you may qualify for financial aid!)

4. What do you like to learn about or do? When I wanted to play the piano I checked out a book from the local library and knocked on the door to an older church to ask if I could use theirs. They said yes and after a month I was so over the piano.:D

 

My DH works long long hours, he goes in at 8 pm and gets home around 9 am the next day. I often feel like a single parent because I am the one solely doing everything.

:grouphug::grouphug: