How many hours a week would you leave your kids home alone?

[Shellydon]

Wow, I never guessed this question would get this many replies. Thank you to everyone for your advice and opinions. I'll be honest. I have been researching some marriage counseling options and came across one that we "mostly" agreed with. It says to maintain a "romantic connection" couples need to spend at least 15 hours together with undivided attention (no kids). Now, if the couple has fallen out of "romantic love" that should be increased to 20-25 hours a week. You see now why I asked the question.

 

DH and I are open to whatever we need to do to reconnect and be happily married. We will not substitute our own common sense for that of a marriage counselor. We agree that 4 nights a week is extreme. Every marriage is different. There is only one I am concerned with right now. I can't imagine being away from the kids 4 nights a week. Date nights have been rare over the past 14 years. Our family isn't much for babysittin. We are on our own.

 

Again thank you for all the replies.

 

Also, we haven't had a weekend alone in six years!

 

We read the book His Needs Her Needs, where this idea comes from. We have also done the Dynamic Marriage course based on the book. It is very good and worth the time if you have it in your area. BUT, both DH and I agree that 15 hours a week is simply not possible. It just isn't. While I like the book, I think the concept of 15 hours a week will never be realistic. I didn't spend that much alone time with DH pre-marriage and pre-kids. I am certainly not going to fit it in now.

[Shellydon]

Wow, I never guessed this question would get this many replies. Thank you to everyone for your advice and opinions. I'll be honest. I have been researching some marriage counseling options and came across one that we "mostly" agreed with. It says to maintain a "romantic connection" couples need to spend at least 15 hours together with undivided attention (no kids). Now, if the couple has fallen out of "romantic love" that should be increased to 20-25 hours a week. You see now why I asked the question.

 

DH and I are open to whatever we need to do to reconnect and be happily married. We will not substitute our own common sense for that of a marriage counselor. We agree that 4 nights a week is extreme. Every marriage is different. There is only one I am concerned with right now. I can't imagine being away from the kids 4 nights a week. Date nights have been rare over the past 14 years. Our family isn't much for babysittin. We are on our own.

 

Again thank you for all the replies.

Also, we haven't had a weekend alone in six years!

 

BTW, you are not alone. We haven't had a weekend alone since our oldest was born 9 years ago. We do date night twice a year - then only for company functions like the Christmas party.

[Lolly]

15 hours a week alone with dh? Regularly? I am thinking that whoever is writing that cr@p must not have kids. Totally unrealistic imnsho. Unless we are counting sleeping time. We would make well over 15 hours if sleeping counts.:lol:

[ByGrace3]

I agree that a weekend or long weekend away might be just what you need to jump start your time together. Dh and I have done a weekend away from kids almost every year since we have been married. So very important. We usually do a last minute cruise as there are some serious deals to be found! Also, weekly date nights are a must, with small children sometimes those date nights are home after the kids are in bed, but very important no matter how it happens.

[Joanne]

It says to maintain a "romantic connection" couples need to spend at least 15 hours together with undivided attention (no kids). Now' date=' if the couple has fallen out of "romantic love" that should be increased to 20-25 hours a week.[/b'] You see now why I asked the question.

 

 

Also, we haven't had a weekend alone in six years!

 

{{{OP}}}

 

I am one test away from being a LMFT. I find the bold to be arbitrary. I think it can also *cause* problems. Marriage (and fixing marriage) is not formulaic. (To give some perspective, though, I find the "never had a weekend" or "never or rarely date" stuff to be unhealthy, also)

 

If you were my client, I would not suggest going from no weekends in 6 years to 15+ hours a week. That disrupts, not mends, family life.

 

If your DH matches your willingness, it is very likely you'll come through this happier, stronger, healthier, and connected.

[Pretty in Pink]

A few hours per week (< 5 hours per week), on average. They are 13, 8, 6, and 3 (the baby goes everywhere I go). I am comfortable leaving them for up to 4 hours at a time, though I'm having a hard time recalling an instance where I actually left them alone for that long. I wouldn't have a problem doing that a few times per week if I needed to. I just don't need to.

[TheAutumnOak]

Wow, I never guessed this question would get this many replies. Thank you to everyone for your advice and opinions. I'll be honest. I have been researching some marriage counseling options and came across one that we "mostly" agreed with. It says to maintain a "romantic connection" couples need to spend at least 15 hours together with undivided attention (no kids). Now, if the couple has fallen out of "romantic love" that should be increased to 20-25 hours a week. You see now why I asked the question.

 

DH and I are open to whatever we need to do to reconnect and be happily married. We will not substitute our own common sense for that of a marriage counselor. We agree that 4 nights a week is extreme. Every marriage is different. There is only one I am concerned with right now. I can't imagine being away from the kids 4 nights a week. Date nights have been rare over the past 14 years. Our family isn't much for babysittin. We are on our own.

 

Again thank you for all the replies.

 

Also, we haven't had a weekend alone in six years!

 

 

We read the book His Needs Her Needs, where this idea comes from. We have also done the Dynamic Marriage course based on the book. It is very good and worth the time if you have it in your area. BUT, both DH and I agree that 15 hours a week is simply not possible. It just isn't. While I like the book, I think the concept of 15 hours a week will never be realistic. I didn't spend that much alone time with DH pre-marriage and pre-kids. I am certainly not going to fit it in now.

 

DH and I also read this book and did this course...We don't aim for the "15 hours" as a goal, but I would say we spend at least 10 hours together during the week...Our kids are upstairs in their rooms at 8pm each night, so we have a few hours to spend with each other before going to bed most nights, some nights we do things alone...We also go out at least once a week together without the kids, even if it is just to run errands...Most of the 10 hours are spent at home though...Maybe one day when the kids are grown we will get to 15 or more ;)

 

For the record, that is an excellent book and is actually the best book I have ever read about marriage...

[KungFuPanda]

I think that your kids are at the age where they really need a strong connected relationship to their parents. For me part of a strong marriage is doing family activities. I can't imagine even wanting to be away 4 evenings a week. I would stay with just once a week.

 

There was a time when would feel this way too, but after 15 years of parenting and 10 years of homeschooling I'm inclined to think that they might not need therapy, or even to examine their priorities. They might just NEED a vacation as a couple.

 

Can you get away for a long weekend? I remember how amazing it was to get away with my husband for a weekend before we had kids. I don't think there is anything abnormal about one or both of you wanting/needing a good, long stretch of time to be alone together. Some couples just don't seem to crave that after a few years and a few kids, but I think it's romantic if you can hold on to that.

[PentecostalMom]

The very best thing you can do for your children is keep your marriage strong and happy.

 

I guess I come at this from a different perspective, and I love and adore my children, but my primary relationship is with my husband. That is my number one job and his too.

 

:iagree: I think your idea of two out and two in is reasonable. I know right now (to some) that seems like a lot of time alone. If you need it, you need it. Things change, life changes. Hope it all works out.

[kitten18]

Kids ages 10+ routinely are alone M - Fr from school being out until 5 or 6. That's, what? At least 10 hours a week?

 

I don't believe in arbitrary numbers used to "balance" or "prioritize" between relationships. There are *seasons* in life. Parenting during the baby and toddler years is more child-centric (and often more budget stressed, btw).

 

Parenting tweens and teens is intense, but the hands on needs of parenting is much, much less and, in fact, they should be able to thrive on some autonomy.

 

Taking care of the needs of the family sometimes requires triage; what needs are the most pressing. You've identified that to be your marriage right now.

 

Enjoy your date nights, and work it out for YOUR family and situation.

I TOTALLY agree.

 

Wow, I never guessed this question would get this many replies. Thank you to everyone for your advice and opinions. I'll be honest. I have been researching some marriage counseling options and came across one that we "mostly" agreed with. It says to maintain a "romantic connection" couples need to spend at least 15 hours together with undivided attention (no kids). Now, if the couple has fallen out of "romantic love" that should be increased to 20-25 hours a week. You see now why I asked the question.

 

DH and I are open to whatever we need to do to reconnect and be happily married. We will not substitute our own common sense for that of a marriage counselor. We agree that 4 nights a week is extreme. Every marriage is different. There is only one I am concerned with right now. I can't imagine being away from the kids 4 nights a week. Date nights have been rare over the past 14 years. Our family isn't much for babysittin. We are on our own.

 

Again thank you for all the replies.

 

Also, we haven't had a weekend alone in six years!

:grouphug:

[Ottakee]

I would see if you can arrange a weekend away---even an overnight would be a start. Trade babysitting with friends, save up some money for a college student/grandma lady or someone reliable to stay with the kids.

 

Then maybe go out once a week from there. Another way to get those extra hours is to arrange bedtimes (or at least, in your bedroom times) so that you and dh have an hour alone each evening or each morning without the kids.

 

I am not saying it is easy, but it is worth it. The hour you spend 1:1 connecting with your dh (even if it is just watching a TV show you both enjoy while cuddled on the couch) will have a longer lasting impact than sweeping the floor more often or trying to maintain a perfect house or yet one more outside activity.

\

My best friend has modeled this for us in the past few years and has graciously been our respite provider for the past 5 years (we have 3 special needs kids) giving dh and I an overnight, a date night, etc.

 

Another thing, if your dh is into "projects" around the house or in the garage/yard, just go be with him while he does them if you can. Hand him a tool, just chat, etc. Many husbands like this and it gives yet another few moments to connect but yet you are still home with the kids.

[angela in ohio]

Wow, I never guessed this question would get this many replies. Thank you to everyone for your advice and opinions. I'll be honest. I have been researching some marriage counseling options and came across one that we "mostly" agreed with. It says to maintain a "romantic connection" couples need to spend at least 15 hours together with undivided attention (no kids). Now, if the couple has fallen out of "romantic love" that should be increased to 20-25 hours a week. You see now why I asked the question.

 

I agree with that, I just don't think it has to be on a "date night." Dh and I have always kept strict bedtimes for dc, and they are in their rooms with no interruptions at 8 pm. The older ones read for an hour or study quietly before they sleep. So for many years, dh and I had about three hours every night alone together (15 hours or more.) Now, we have robotics meets and wrestling practice and orchestra practice and on and on :D many nights, so we have transitioned to longer date nights once a week or every other week to make up for the evenings we miss. We don't do weekends alone, but we do have family weekends, and my dc read or talk quietly in the back of the van so dh and I have hours to chat uninterrupted.

 

Put me in the "husband before kids" category, too, though. He was here before them, and he will be here with me long after they leave home. Also, we need an excellent relationship to raise them in the very best way we can, and we are trying to set an example for their own marriages.

 

For me, it would depend ont he situation. OP, do you have some big issues you need to talk out? A weekend away might work (or therapy.) If it's not any issue, but just the drifted apart feeling, it would be good to find something to do on a regular basis: a film series, dance classes, weekly nights out for dinner, etc. Then add some evenings in: cook a meal together, play a game, watch a show every week, etc.

Edited January 10, 2012 by angela in ohio

[Trish]

Four date nights? We didn't even do that when we were dating!

 

I think once a week is plenty with kids that age.

[jennsmile]

I haven't read all the responses so this might be a repeat.

 

I think 1 or 2 date would be plenty. But on other nights, a walk after dinner together or some other activity would be great. Find a hobby you both like and can do together or take up dancing together. Talking is a major part of it. Find time to talk, maybe call each other on lunch hours, text, email, communicate in loving ways. Maybe get up when he gets up and make him breakfast and spend time together before he leaves for work. I love that quiet time where it is just the two of us, before the kids wake up. Find time to pray or read your scriptures together as well if you are religious at all. It will really make a difference. If you have other beliefs adapt it to fit your beliefs, maybe read something you both enjoy instead.

 

My parents went through a rough patch in their marriage. Our schedule looked something like Sunday (church stuff), Monday Family night, Tuesday or Wednesday we had church activities and Friday and Saturday my dad worked a 2nd job. Dates were hard for them to squeeze in. But they did find time for each other.

 

Now that it is just them they do square dancing, theater dates (season passes to 2 local theaters) and get away about once a month on a trip overnight somewhere.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Lunch dates are also great if possible. Maybe bring a lunch to his office to share with him the kids can manage just fine for the hour or 2 and it would give you extra time together every once in a while.

[elegantlion]

Four nights a week would be over the top, imo. Once a week and maybe one weekend (or whatever days off for dh) go for breakfast or coffee.

[Chris in VA]

I agree with the kickstart weekend, and with enforcing a strict bedtime so that you and hubby can have together time at night. Even if you don't do a real date, just playing a game, talking together while having a special dessert, watching a movie--these little connections can help so much.

 

It helps also to have connections during the day--a little note in the briefcase or lunch bag, a text saying I love you, a note written in the day planner, a note on the mirror in the bathroom, a phone call during the day...little reaching out notes and things can help you think about each other and feel more ready to spend time together later.

 

If you are talking teA time, then I'd say you go with what works for you. I separate that out from date time. I don't need a date for that, but a date before is nice.

 

If you take an hour and a half to reconnect via conversation, etc. after the kids are in bed every night, that's 8.5 of the 15 hours. :001_smile: A date night where you leave before dinner and stay out til around 10 or 11 and maybe make teA after would take care of the rest. But ITA with Joanne in that you have to be flexible, not formulaic.

[Jenny in Florida]

I think so too. How many nights a week would you be comfortable doing that though? We have left them for 4 hours, but only once a month though.

 

I would not impose on an older child to babysit more than once or twice a month, actually.

 

I think it's perfectly reasonable for a couple to go out once or twice a week (although I can't imagine leaving my kids more than once a week, myself), but I would not expect a 14-year-old to cover babysitting every time.

[Jenny in Florida]

It says to maintain a "romantic connection" couples need to spend at least 15 hours together with undivided attention (no kids). Now, if the couple has fallen out of "romantic love" that should be increased to 20-25 hours a week.

 

Hang on. The way I do the math, 15 hours a week works out to a little more than two hours a day, right?

[Guest]

Wow, I never guessed this question would get this many replies. Thank you to everyone for your advice and opinions. I'll be honest. I have been researching some marriage counseling options and came across one that we "mostly" agreed with. It says to maintain a "romantic connection" couples need to spend at least 15 hours together with undivided attention (no kids). Now, if the couple has fallen out of "romantic love" that should be increased to 20-25 hours a week. You see now why I asked the question.

 

DH and I are open to whatever we need to do to reconnect and be happily married. We will not substitute our own common sense for that of a marriage counselor. We agree that 4 nights a week is extreme. Every marriage is different. There is only one I am concerned with right now. I can't imagine being away from the kids 4 nights a week. Date nights have been rare over the past 14 years. Our family isn't much for babysittin. We are on our own.

 

Again thank you for all the replies.

 

Also, we haven't had a weekend alone in six years!

 

A weekend alone may be just the thing you need. However, I disagree with this formulaic-style "must be 15 hours" or whatever. It's just dumb.

 

I have been married 17 years and date nights have always been sporadic. When we had little babies, we wouldn't go out alone for a year or more. We've gone away for a weekend something like 2 or 3 times our entire marriage and one of them was before we had kids. We did go on a week-long cruise this past year without the kids, but that was the first time we had done that over all the years with kids.

 

Personally, if there are no physical barriers to doing so, I would recommend lots and lots of "TeA-Making" to rectify rocky marriage. Don't wait to be in the mood for it, just do it. Get some automatic teakettle appliances if that helps and/or some extra liquid additives to keep things interesting and just make it a point. Have you discovered how good teA is in the morning before the kids are up? Just be sure to brush your teeth first. :tongue_smilie: There's my marriage fix. And it's practically free!

 

While I like the book, I think the concept of 15 hours a week will never be realistic.

 

:iagree:

[ErinE]

DH and I are in terrible need of reconnecting. Our kids are 14, 10 and 8. The oldest babysits every so often. What seems reasonable, 2, 3 or 4 date nights? DH really wants his wife back.

 

I think a kickstart weekend would really help. You can enjoy DH alone and talk with him about what he wants and what you want. You should both talk together about what needs to change.

 

Once you get back, I'd recommend "Kids in room at 8 PM" rule so you and DH have a few hours alone together. Stay off the computer and do things together: read a book, watch a show/movie, play a game, etc. I have a hard lights out time at 9:30 PM, but my kids must be in their room and stay in their room after 8 PM. Make a commitment that twice a week you will turn everything off early and go to bed. Even when things are crazy busy, this time can make your Dh and you feel more connected. In my personal opinion, you should change your home life to accomodate your marriage's needs, not dedicate time away from home to connect with your husband.

 

As Joanne said, I don't believe there are any hard and fast rules to marriage, but for me, making sure Dh and I have alone time has helped us stay close. Date nights away from home tend to stress me out because in our area, we have a large tween and teen population who roam the malls and theaters like feral dogs. DH and I have a hard time agreeing on meals: I like nice sit-down dinners, he prefers Taco Bell. We both hate spending lots of money for a mediocre experience. Watching a movie together, reading books together, snuggling on the couch, TeA time, that's what makes us both happy.

[ErinE]

I would recommend lots and lots of "TeA-Making" to rectify rocky marriage. Don't wait to be in the mood for it, just do it. Get some automatic teakettle appliances if that helps and/or some extra liquid additives to keep things interesting and just make it a point. Have you discovered how good teA is in the morning before the kids are up? Just be sure to brush your teeth first. :tongue_smilie: There's my marriage fix. And it's practically free!

 

Where's the like button?

[txmom23]

I love reading that so many of you are making time for your marriages.

 

Unfortunately, we have not been doing it for our marriage. It starts now! Thank you all for the encouragement and ideas! DH will read this thread too! He loves TeA! ;)

Edited January 10, 2012 by txmom23

[angela in ohio]

Personally, if there are no physical barriers to doing so, I would recommend lots and lots of "TeA-Making" to rectify rocky marriage. Don't wait to be in the mood for it, just do it. Get some automatic teakettle appliances if that helps and/or some extra liquid additives to keep things interesting and just make it a point. Have you discovered how good teA is in the morning before the kids are up? Just be sure to brush your teeth first. :tongue_smilie: There's my marriage fix. And it's practically free!

 

I call that "fake it til you make it." It has worked well for several women I know who had a disconnect. And when we have had busy or stressful seasons, keeping that connection if nothing else has been a huge help.

[Guest]

I call that "fake it til you make it." It has worked well for several women I know who had a disconnect. And when we have had busy or stressful seasons, keeping that connection if nothing else has been a huge help.

 

:iagree:True. Besides that, so far I have never heard of a man who wants dinner and a movie more than dependable teA brewing. :tongue_smilie:

[Guest]

Something else for the OP: Dh and I spend 30-45 minutes every morning having coffee (not teA ;)), watching the news and chatting before he heads off to work and my actual day begins. This is a way we continue to have face time on a regular basis. Could you do something like that? Another way we get a little (non-romantic) alone time is just to walk the dog together in the afternoon/evening for a little bit. This is usually not more than 30-45 minutes, but we have discussed a lot of touchy subjects this way; moving forward helps keep the discussion civil while things still get said that need saying. There's another idea you could build on (regardless of whether or not you have a dog).

[Ottakee]

Another way we get a little (non-romantic) alone time is just to walk the dog together in the afternoon/evening for a little bit. This is usually not more than 30-45 minutes, but we have discussed a lot of touchy subjects this way; moving forward helps keep the discussion civil while things still get said that need saying. There's another idea you could build on (regardless of whether or not you have a dog).

 

This is a really good idea. I walk (sometimes with the dog, sometimes not) with a friend and we get a lot of things discussed. There is just something about walking that makes it different than chatting on the phone or anything else. Maybe it is the movement aspect as well.

 

The kids could even come along if you wanted as most likely they would be walking/riding/skating/skooting, etc. ahead or behind and you could still have time to chat.

[King Alfred Academy]

While I do not think it is necessary to have 4 date nights a week (I don't have the time to be out that often), I disagree that my number one job is to raise my children...While child rearing is a top priority for me, my relationship with my husband comes first and will for as long as I am married...

 

 

:iagree: