Explaining death to an already worried 5 year old?

[PinkInTheBlue]

We are about to complete our 9 hour drive to NC to attend my MIL's funeral. Tomorrow is the funeral and I'm not sure what to do/say to our 5 year old. A family member recently told him that people die and go away to heaven. That has really worried him. Also my husband's father died 14 years ago and Easton (5 yr old) is really worried because when he asked my husband why he died my husband explained he had been very sick (cancer). Now he's worried sick = dead = people leaving him.

 

We haven't told him Sue died or why we are doing this big trip. I really fear it would freak him out at this point. I'm thinking keeping him with me in the funeral home foyer and... I don't know! Neither of us are quite sure what to do. What would you do?

 

We don't really know anyone in this town anymore who could keep him or that I could skip out on it all. (We expect possible trouble with his family and I don't want to leave him alone)

 

Thoughts?

 

I'm typing on my phone so excuse mistyped words :) )

[Twigs]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[jennsmile]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I am sorry for your loss. Now is the time to teach him whatever your family beliefs are about heaven/afterlife.

 

I was blessed when my brother passed that my child already knew about our beliefs. He was 4yo but very excited his Uncle was going to Heaven. It made it much easier on me because of his simple faith. Your son might surprise you.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I would also explain not everybody that gets sick dies. Perhaps if it is in line with your beliefs point out that it is a happy time and Grandma and Grandpa are together again.

[hillfarm]

Be sure to let him know what to expect at the funeral. The first time we took dd to one, I told her that there would be people there crying, but not because they were scared. They were crying because they were sad that they would not be able to visit with the deceased person here on earth anymore. I told her that I might even cry some, but I was fine and would be back to normal shortly. She later told me she was glad I said that because she was afraid everyone would stay sad forever.

 

If it is an open casket, talk about that also. My dd is one of those inquiring mind kind of kids, so of course she wanted to see the body. I explained the science of it, the social protocol, and how it fit in with our spiritual beliefs. Then in a quiet moment when no one else was up there, we went up so she could see. Didn't seem to upset her at all.

 

I think kids mostly need to be reassured that they and their family will be okay. I hate it when people refer to death as sleeping because that really freaks a lot of kids out and makes them fear they will die if they go to sleep. I also think it is important to teach our children that death is part of life so that they are not so shocked when it happens to a family member. IME, most kids are fairly practical about death if it is presented to them in a practical, non-frightening way.

[ZooRho]

yes yes yes with the stuff that has been said.

 

can you also check to see if there are some picture books in the library that deal with death.

 

Mine are way older now so I don't have any in mind but I know there are some.

 

also ask the funeral home if they have some materials for you to use/

 

I do think you need to tell him before you get there preferably before you leave. I know you are trying to protect him but he may now always wonder if a going on a big trip will end with an unexpected funeral.

 

I do hope you can find some one there that may be of help for you even if it is just that they will help entertain your 5 yo at the funeral home.

[Maria from IN]

I told my son, who was about that age at the time, that sometimes our bodies fail us and we can't do all we want on Earth anymore, but when it's our time, we will go to Heaven where we won't have that tired old body anymore...that's why it's still here and we say goodbye to it.

 

In Heaven she can complete the work she started here, like watching over families and watching little ones like him grow up, as well as be reunited with other family members that went to Heaven before her. Up there she doesn't have to worry about getting tired or sick ever again, and she's happier than she's ever been.

 

Some people may be crying when they're at the funeral, because they will miss her a lot and won't get to see her until they get to Heaven too, not because she was bad or something scary is happening. Later on they will remember all the happy memories about them and they will smile again, but they're mostly sad for themselves because things have changed.

[Starr]

I would skip an open casket but let him be part of everything in his way. Kids are funny, they run and play and then are sad for a while. They need to know it's okay to do what they want. I don't think you can shield him much. This is the age many children start getting a grasp of death. It's a scary time. I'm sorry. :grouphug: We had a death in the family when dd was 2 1/2 and boy was it hard to find enough in her world to answer her questions even with Christian faith. It went on for a long time. When we moved my ds was 3 1/2 and his buddy came over and said goodby and saw the moving truck. He then proceeded to go into a serious depression that no one could understand until we called one day. His mom asked if he wanted to talk to ds and he said, "in heaven?" His gm had died a few months before and they had cleaned out her house. He thought people who moved out of their houses went to heaven! Another relative's mother died when he was 6 and he spent the day of the funeral playing with the kids and dying and coming back to life. You are really bringing back memories. I hope it goes well.

[Little Nyssa]

I agree that now is the time to teach him about your own beliefs about life & death. Also, it would be good to have one person who is willing to take him outside the funeral if things get too much for him. And, let him choose if he would like to go up to the casket or not, and affirm him either way. Ditto the cemetery. I tell our kids that everyone gathers at the funeral to say goodbye to the person.

I hope you are able to avoid him thinking that death is a secret that he can't talk about. That might cause a lot of anxiety.

[Mergath]

We're Pagan, so our beliefs differ a bit from most here, but I've explained to dd that when people get old, or very sick, they die and their bodies go back to the earth, and that they never really leave, because they become the earth again, and that it's a necessary part of life because we have to make way for those who might come after and make the world a better place.

 

Honestly though, I don't think there's a way to explain it that isn't sad or scary. Realizing that everyone dies, and that it's a part of life, is something everyone has to go through at some point. Just be as honest and supportive as he needs you to be. :grouphug:

[jennsmile]

I have had 2 open casket viewings with my young kids. It wasn't traumatic and they did fine. They were often more interested in playing with others, taking a zillion pictures of the flowers and anything else they could find as I needed something to entertain and a camera worked great. They did view the body but it was briefly and on their own terms. I also spent time outside at one viewing playing with 3 energetic boys that needed a break and a change of pace. Make sure to have some snacks on hand and be willing to do what is best for your little guy. Just because everybody else is in mourning doesn't mean your 5 you will deal with death the same. He may still be a happy little boy that loves to laugh and play and by all means allow yourself to laugh and play with him, even if others find it disrespectful. It will lift your spirit as well. :grouphug:

[jennsmile]

We're Pagan, so our beliefs differ a bit from most here, but I've explained to dd that when people get old, or very sick, they die and their bodies go back to the earth, and that they never really leave, because they become the earth again, and that it's a necessary part of life because we have to make way for those who might come after and make the world a better place.

 

Honestly though, I don't think there's a way to explain it that isn't sad or scary. Realizing that everyone dies, and that it's a part of life, is something everyone has to go through at some point. Just be as honest and supportive as he needs you to be. :grouphug:

 

Thank you for explaining your POV. I love hearing about others beliefs so thank you!

[laundrycrisis]

I told ours that bodies don't work forever, that they aren't meant to work forever, and eventually they stop working, so we cannot live in them forever. When someone dies, they don't live in their body anymore. Their body is empty. We can't hear or see the person/animal anymore since they no longer have a body. Once a body is empty, it starts to fall apart to return to the earth, so we either bury or burn it. Before we do that, we say goodbye, since this body belonged to someone we loved, and we remember what the person or animal was like during their lifetime in this body.

[MamaT]

:grouphug: it is hard. My grandmother died right in front of my oldest two boys when they were 3 and 5. My oldest fell apart and my youngest was just fine. He kept trying to console his brother with "Granny is in heaven. She's not old anymore" type things. My sil came to stay with us to help me while we were busy with family and the funeral. Two weeks later, she drowned. I was still trying to help my ds with my grandmother's passing, and just knew this was going to put him over the edge (I was almost over the edge myself). Surprisingly, he was fine. He decided in his mind that his aunt (who was always busy taking care of someone) was now in heaven taking care of Granny. It was his way of coping.

 

I would talk about your afterlife beliefs with your son and make sure he knows that getting sick does not equal death.

[NanceXToo]

The best article I've ever read on explaining death to children is this one:

 

http://www.buddhanet.net/r_talkcn.htm

[Teachin'Mine]

IMO at this point he needs more information, not less. With too little information, he's made some wrong conclusions and has more fear than if he were told more about fatal illness vs cold and other minor illnesses.

 

He'll need as much time to take it all in and prepare. It's pretty hard to be in a funeral parlor and not realize that someone has died. This is the time to explain to him and to tell him why you're going to the funeral parlor. Whatever your faith is, share it with him. He needs to know that aspect of it.

 

I think you've got the right idea of having him spend most of his time in the lobby. He can go in and pay his respects, if he wants, but limiting his time there will probably make it less stressful for him. I would have him there for the prayers and eulogy as this may help him to understand that a funeral is also a time for honoring someone's life and sharing how special they were to their family and friends.

 

Let him ask any questions and give him answers which are accurate, but also appropriate for his age.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. :grouphug: I'm praying for all of you. :grouphug:

[Soror]

IMO at this point he needs more information' date=' not less. With too little information, he's made some wrong conclusions and has more fear than if he were told more about fatal illness vs cold and other minor illnesses.

 

He'll need as much time to take it all in and prepare. It's pretty hard to be in a funeral parlor and not realize that someone has died. This is the time to explain to him and to tell him why you're going to the funeral parlor. Whatever your faith is, share it with him. He needs to know that aspect of it.

 

I think you've got the right idea of having him spend most of his time in the lobby. He can go in and pay his respects, if he wants, but limiting his time there will probably make it less stressful for him. I would have him there for the prayers and eulogy as this may help him to understand that a funeral is also a time for honoring someone's life and sharing how special they were to their family and friends.

 

Let him ask any questions and give him answers which are accurate, but also appropriate for his age.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. :grouphug: I'm praying for all of you. :grouphug:[/quote']

 

I totally agree with this. We just went through this with dh's grandma(funeral was yesterday). I think trying to protect them and shield them can sometimes backfire because they are even more confused and don't understand it.

 

We told ours every step of the way. Granny is sick and we prayed for healing. Then it became apparent that Granny wasn't going to make it so we prayed for peace from God, relief from pain, comfort for the family and that God would take her up in his arms. They went and seen her sick and held her hand in the hospital. When she died we let them know and at that point they'd already asking about afterlife and they just started saying she was in heaven. We let them choose whether or not to look at her but they were curious and wanted to see her. I did tell them that Granny would look different and when we went up there I kind of talked it through with them.

 

I think praying along the way helped to ease them into it. I think it helped them feel involvement and perhaps a bit like they had some control/say in the issue if that makes sense. I think the knowledge helps to demystify the process. I was terrified of death for so long myself. Going through this with them(the first death in the family that they were old enough to really understand) helped me through the process as well.

 

I think of course different families might share more or less but I think the information is empowering to them when done calmly and matter of factly. I would start talking to him as soon as possible about it, the longer to prepare the better.

Edited January 5, 2012 by soror

[ZooRho]

 

I think you've got the right idea of having him spend most of his time in the lobby. He can go in and pay his respects' date=' if he wants, but limiting his time there will probably make it less stressful for him.

:[/quote']

 

Again ask the funeral home about all of this. I had the dreadful experience of helping a df who lost his wife. the kids were 6 and 12. So they had tons of friends that also came to the funeral home.

 

The funeral home had a separate room for us for the kids. They were so good to us, if we had a need the funeral home met it. They deal with it all the time so they understand. The kids as someone else said were running around happy, giggling and playing. It was weird to see but I came to understand children grieve differently so that was just their way of coping.

[Tammyla]

(((Jessica)))

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. (You know your kid best, follow your instincts and heart; some kids can handle everything and some kids very little.)

 

You little guy will have questions, that will need to be answered in an age appropriate way. Listen to the questions; they often aren't stressed or worried over the things adults are. It's a fine line not to over load them with more information than they can process at such a young age.:grouphug:

Edited January 5, 2012 by Tammyla

[Farrar]

First of all, :grouphug:

 

I strongly agree that he needs more information, not less. And I liked the suggestion up thread about books. We found Badger's Parting Gifts to be a good picture book about death for young children.

 

I also think some of the information you have to share is stuff that you may think is totally obvious, but will not be obvious for a 5 yo. Things like...

 

* he couldn't do anything to cause it

* he almost certainly won't die any time soon

* the illnesses in question are nothing like getting a cold or any illness he may have experience with - they're diseases that are not contagious

* you and your dh are well and almost certainly won't die for a long time

* if you and/or your dh did die there's a plan and people would take care of him who love him

 

One of my sons was very anxious when his grandfather died (he was 6 yo at the time). He acted out in strange ways and was upset about seemingly unconnected things. So be patient. A children's grief counselor friend of my mom's gave me all that advice above and it turned about to be invaluable for him. He had this amazing moment where he was crying and I told him that he didn't do anything to cause his grandfather's death and he cried out that he had, he really had! And then, suddenly, as soon as he heard himself he stopped crying and kind of laughed, as if hearing how absurd that was. But if she hadn't told me to say that, I don't think I would have. It was just too obvious to me.

 

I don't know about open caskets, that does seem a bit much, but if he wants to be involved, I wouldn't try to limit it. My boys scattered their grandfather's ashes in the church memorial garden with the others who wanted to participate and it was wonderful for them and helped with their closure just as much as the grown-ups.

[Word Nerd]

IMO at this point he needs more information' date=' not less. With too little information, he's made some wrong conclusions and has more fear than if he were told more about fatal illness vs cold and other minor illnesses.

 

He'll need as much time to take it all in and prepare. It's pretty hard to be in a funeral parlor and not realize that someone has died. This is the time to explain to him and to tell him why you're going to the funeral parlor. Whatever your faith is, share it with him. He needs to know that aspect of it.

 

I think you've got the right idea of having him spend most of his time in the lobby. He can go in and pay his respects, if he wants, but limiting his time there will probably make it less stressful for him. I would have him there for the prayers and eulogy as this may help him to understand that a funeral is also a time for honoring someone's life and sharing how special they were to their family and friends.

 

Let him ask any questions and give him answers which are accurate, but also appropriate for his age.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. :grouphug: I'm praying for all of you. :grouphug:[/quote']

 

:iagree:

[jennsmile]

I don't know about open caskets, that does seem a bit much, but if he wants to be involved, I wouldn't try to limit it. My boys scattered their grandfather's ashes in the church memorial garden with the others who wanted to participate and it was wonderful for them and helped with their closure just as much as the grown-ups.

 

 

For some seeing the open casket does give closure. I have very vauge memories of my grandfather's viewing, but I am glad I have those memories from my childhood.

[FloridaLisa]

I would be honest, gentle and straightforward in answering his questions.

 

Whenever my kids brought up death, or ask when someone would die (just general kid questions), I would answer very honestly. I would say that usually, most people die when they are old. But that no one knows and some people die earlier. Some people die from car accidents or get a disease that can't be cured (I wouldn't use the word sick). For my kids, the talk usually ended here.

 

We are Christians and have always talked about heaven.

 

I am so, so glad I've always been honest with my kids about death. My dh died suddenly this summer. My 4-yo and 6-yo saw much since it was in the home and I have since answered their many questions or responded to their comments openly, without hesitation. I never *shush* their comments or tell them not to think about it.

 

I did choose not to bring them to the viewing (though my other dc went) since I wanted that to be the last picture of their dad. They attended the memorial service at church and my 4-yo fell asleep in my lap.

 

Kids need to know that death is as natural as birth. It helps to shape our life here on earth, our priorities, our values.

 

Lisa

 

ETA: If he's scared, I would directly ask him what is making him scared. I would address it rather than avoid it because I'd want my child to have a healthy, whole view of death and life here on earth.

Edited January 5, 2012 by FloridaLisa