How do you deal with laziness?

[Aspasia]

My dd is super lazy. We've known this for awhile. It shows up in several non-school contexts and of course it shows up in a school context. We're very informal right now, just learning to read. She totally knows how to sound out words and she will do it proudly...until she sees a sentence. Then, feeling slightly challenged, she says she can't do it. Any gentle prodding just results in whining. She's SUCH a whiner. How do you deal with day-to-day laziness? Even incentives don't totally fix the problem (she still whines the whole time). Honestly, stuff like this makes me wonder if I'm going to last as a homeschooler.

[boscopup]

She sounds like a normal 4 year old to me. Resistance to academics in a 4 year old usually means "not ready". My oldest was like that at 4. He's now 7 and works pretty well for his age.

 

And with my oldest, when I stopped trying to teach him to read, he took off.

 

Do teach your child to obey you when you ask her to pick up toys or help you with something, but for school stuff, just do it if she asks, and keep it EASY. She has plenty of time to learn hard work when it comes to school.

[asmall]

My kids both went through a stage where they were being lazy and whining about school work. This is what we did. First, I sat down with my kIds, one at a time, and we talked about what was expected of them. I explained what would happen if they whined during school, at our house it meant no Wii after school. Then we had a practice day, where I was the student and my kids were the teachers. I did as much whining as I could, so they would know what it was. Then I also showed them how a good student would act. I asked them which one was easier to teach, and about how they felt. After this my girls did much better and the whining has stopped. They are not the perfect students, but their attitudes are much better, and they have both told me they enjoy school more now.

AL

[regentrude]

She is FOUR. Sounds normal to me. I would see her reluctance as a sign that she is not ready. I would not push for the reading if she is not interested, but simply wait; it will be much easier later on.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Age four is really too little to be labeled "super-lazy" and "such a whiner." Most four-year-olds aren't ready for academic work yet, and there's nothing wrong with that. Of course, some do like to study early. One of my children was reading chapter books at age three, but that's really not typical.

 

A book recommendation: Your Four-Year-Old

 

Drs. Ames and Ilg have written helpful books about each year of early child development. They are outdated in some respects, but if you've never had a chance to really study age-appropriate behavior these are a great place to start.

[Aspasia]

Lack of readiness was honestly my first thought. DD did originally show an interest in reading, so we moved forward. (This was several months ago.) Then she started putting up resistance so I dropped it for a few months. Lately, dh has been pushing me to get back on it, so I decided to give it a try and this is the result.

 

So maybe my new question is, how do you deal with a pushy dh? :glare:

 

(I'll start a new thread about that over on the general board.)

 

Thanks, ladies.

[Aspasia]

I would strongly suggest you re read our OP and go sit alone and consider why you think so negatively about your very young child. If you can not adjust your exceedingly negative attitude about her (SHE IS FOUR!) then Id strongly encourage you to find her a school. An all day one. Exposure to the sort of attitude described above can do a real number on a little kid and she ought to be taught by someone who is able to be more positive with her.

 

Seriously? Who talks to a complete stranger like this, based on a tiny little piece of information? :confused:

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Adrienne, you're going to be fine as a homeschool Mom! Many of us worked this stuff out with our little ones before the days of internet message boards. Our missteps and mistakes were known only to us, but we certainly had those.

 

(And we continue to make mistakes, at least in my case! Believe me, when you get off on the wrong foot with your toddler it's easier to fix than when you get off on the wrong foot with your teen!)

 

We didn't have the support when we started out, but we didn't have the abusive comments from strangers, either. :grouphug:

[Shellers]

:iagree:

 

Your daughter is so young, I think the way she's acting is very typical for a 4 year old.

 

I miss my kids when they were that age!

[regentrude]

So maybe my new question is, how do you deal with a pushy dh? :glare:

 

 

Educate him. He may not be aware what is developmentally normal, to be expected - and what is expecting too much. For a man, I'd find facts, statistics, hard information (not anecdotal evidence).

 

If it helps: in many countries there are no formal academics until age 6 or 7. The early push in the US is not typical. I have not seen any statistics that show that American kids at age 12 still outperform their same age peers from countries that delay formal schooling.

[Aurelia]

Drop school. She's not ready. However, when you begin a post with:

My dd is super lazy. We've known this for awhile.

it doesn't look like you have a good relationship with your child, and seems to cast her in an excessively negative light. I recommend working on cheerful obedience before even bothering to begin "school".

[jennynd]

I also agree drop school. She is only 4. I will use more "encourage" word with her rather than suggest that she is lazy. It might backfire and she might totally withdraw from reading because your expectation.

4 years old is a wonderful age and let her explore and do what she want to do rather than what you want her to do.

[Ester Maria]

If you do not act on this now, this is going to turn into a serious problem.

 

I recommend starting with a morning routine. First, every morning your DD should snuggle into your bed, and then you should spend a few hours getting up / getting dressed / hugging / "Gosh, DD, you are such a pretty little girl and mommy is so happy to have you"ing, you should smother the child with your love and enthusiasm about being with them, and along that, you should extend the same treatment to that other little one you have. :D

 

Then learning time comes as you cook some food, allow her to mess up something, LAUGH with her on it, smother her with your love some more, listen to AAAALLL of her chattery reports about squirrels in the park or whatever other topic she is interested in, then you put on some music for you to enjoy and sing together, and you make really, really sure that your daughter is not behind in being a happy four year old.

 

Then you take her to some park to climb trees, have her run around and play in sand and with other kids and enjoy a sunny afternoon (okay, maybe not applicable in midst of winter :lol:, but she can enjoy snow then - snow is awesome).

 

Then you warm up again at home with some tea, some snuggling together on the couch as you "read" together whatever she is interested in, then she falls asleep on you, then you are "aww"ing at how cute your little girl is and delaying the moment in which you get up to put her in bed. And then your DH comes home, and the little girl is in her bed, and as you hold the other child you are looking at her and thinking what a nice and adorable family you have and how you of all people are so blessed with these awesome little kids. Then you argue some with DH, get irritated some at the baby, then take a glass of wine to chill, and still smile because things are still so good. :D

 

----

 

Seriously, she will only be four for so long. ENJOY this time. ENJOY each phase of her development for what it is, not for what it would be "perfect" if it were. She will grow up so fast and you will miss that little girl in a few short years. A few extra books you would have read with her this year are just. not. worth it. if the child is not the one asking to do it. She is probably bright, as she gets things, but just not ready to delve into school, and there is absolutely no reason to force anything on her right now. Just because she has a capacity to do things, it does not mean she has to be made to do them just because she can. IMO, kids are being pushed into schools too early anyway - I think few of them should be learning even at 5, and 6 seems like a reasonable "default" age to me, even 7 for some children. Play with her and love her - that is all that most 4 year olds need anyway, and you definitely do not need your relationship overshadowed by school at that age. I would totally put the school on hold unless she wants to do it, for at least another year, if not even two. And - I do not know whether you hang on the boards much, I see you registered this year and have fairly few posts, so in case you do not "know" me - I am a really academic person and education really matters to me, so this is not some relaxed unschooler telling you to chill a bit. :D She will be fine and not doing school at 4 will not handicap her in ANY way! Your DH needs to back off and realize that developmental needs of a 4 year old do not include being frustrated over schoolwork or labeled as lazy (even if only in parent's mind).

 

:grouphug:

Edited December 27, 2011 by Ester Maria

[Faithr]

Calandalsmom, it might be a good idea to be diplomatic when giving advice to people you don't know. Kind of messes with your message, ykim? If want the op to lighten up in dealing with her child, you might model it a bit by lightening up with the OP. Slamming her isn't going to make her open to your message, in other words.

 

However, I agree with you in essence. So much of the time we bring preset ideas to how we want our children to be (perfect, exactly like us, etc.) This can be especially intense with the first child when maybe vicariously or egotistically (but not realizing this) we want our child to excel exactly how we envision so that we can feel good about our parenting. Ask me how I know this? LOL! This is why the first child is the guinea pig! And it is especially hard when that child has a very different temperament. So, to the OP, you do have to be really careful about using labeling language to define your child. It will shape your relationship with your child. And the thing is the pushiness can backfire and children can subconsciously act out by being very passive or very resistant. Whining is an expression of anger or unhappiness. Kids do go through rough phases just because they are developing. I always joke that kids can't help being immature; because they're kids. So what's my excuse! I'm the grown up! Anyway, your dd may be acting out in the situation here. Or maybe the child just isn't ready! Except the idea that a 4 year old has been seen as lazy for a long time clues me in that parents have unrealistic expectations (though you are no doubt loving and trying your best! There's nothing like actual parenting to teach you how to parent!).

 

This makes me think of my oldest child who attended public school for first grade. She was put in a special group for math (even though the school said they didn't track at this early age) but this group was for kids who were good at math. Only my dd was never finishing her assignments. So when we had a parent-teacher meeting the math teacher called my 6 year old dd an 'under-achiever' My dh and I were like, what? How can a six year old be an underachiever!!!!! Seriously, what does a 6 year old NEED to achieve, for cryin' out loud??? So they pulled her out of that class. We asked our dd why she wasn't doing the work and she said that the teacher didn't control the students and the boys were always acting up and making lots of noise. Aha! So the teacher gets to call dd an underachiever, but in reality it was that my dd needed quiet in order to focus on her math. So she wound up going back to her regular classroom teacher who was amazing at keeping a bunch of first graders quiet and content (she'd been teaching for 40 years!) and my dd was able to do the 'advanced' math there in that atmosphere. So you see it is all in your perspective. Wouldn't that math teacher have been a much better teacher if, instead of seeing students in terms of preset labels (if they can't do this work I want from them they are underachievers) to having a bit of self-reflection and maybe an ability to observe how kids best operate (my dd was easily distracted and did need an orderly quiet atmosphere in which to work. Didn't the teacher ever notice how distracting the boys were being?). So too you might want to just observe where your dd does best. What lights her fire without any input from you? What gets her excited? Where does she like to work hard? When is she resistant? Instead of using words like 'lazy' in your mind, try to view it positively. She's different from you! Maybe she just processes things slowly. Maybe she gets energized by very particular things. Maybe this is her way of asserting control. I have one son who I am often tempted to label lazy. However, I have seen him get excited and work incredibly hard for extended periods of time on something that for him has meaning. Some people tick like that, you know?

 

Anyway, this message is meant in the most charitable light possible!

[boscopup]

Educate him. He may not be aware what is developmentally normal, to be expected - and what is expecting too much. For a man, I'd find facts, statistics, hard information (not anecdotal evidence).

 

:iagree: I know my DH doesn't research child development, so he doesn't always know what's normal. If he thinks a child should be doing something at a certain age (which has happened a couple times), I've just said it wasn't developmentally normal until xyz age, and he was fine with that. He knows I have researched child development (as much as any internet-addicted mom does :D), so I have a better idea of that sort of thing.

 

But yes, facts are what you'll want to present. Most men like facts. ;)

[WeeBeaks]

Re your husband, it's so easy to see our oldest as mature, especially when we have a baby. Then we look back and see how young he/she really was. And with HSing, we are venturing out to where we are open to criticism from friends and family, so we want to prove we are doing the right thing for our kids. Could this be impacting what he is asking of you and your child?

 

Four is young, and abilities and interests vary so greatly. My oldest read by that time, child driven. My next one absolutely did not at all and was not interested at all. Your little doesn't want to, and I wouldn't push at that age. Just read to her and give her the lasting impression that books are fun and enjoyable. :)

[beaners]

Eh, I don't think it's horrible to admit that sometimes a 4 year old will take the easy way out. Mine will lay on the couch and claim she is soooo tired when it's time to clean up, while her younger sister merrily puts things away. Usually what she is saying with her "laziness" is that she is overwhelmed. She can see that it's going to take a few steps to do what you have asked, but she might not be sure she can get there. It isn't inappropriate for the age. That doesn't mean I freely encourage it. ;)

 

I will flat out tell my daughter that she is going to pick up her things before she does anything fun. It doesn't mean I despise her. If I ask her to do something she thinks is too difficult, I apologize but we work through it together instead of abandoning it for later. We still run and jump and play and act silly.

 

In our house, whining and trying to get out of things usually means that something requires a little more guidance and we need a little more sleep. I try to set us up for success next time. I try to constantly model the correct way to ask for something or to express displeasure or to request an alternative. If I request something, whining and saying it can't be done is not an acceptable response. I also love my children deeply, even when they whine.

[Aspasia]

Faithr, thank you for your constructive message.

 

Look, ladies, I admit that my language in my opening post was a bit harsh. Im having a bad day. Ever had one of those? When I say that we've known this for awhile, I'm only referring to the fact that we are bothered by dd's tendency to give up very easily with most things that she tries, including things that she really wants to do, like riding a bike. She just tends to give up right when she meets resistance. It bothers us.

 

I also admit that this is my first time doing this. She's my first kid. Maybe my expectations aren't entirely realistic (and I'm not talking about my expectations for reading, as I really don't have any, but rather my expectations regarding her behavior). And I'm not clueless about child development--it was my minor (not that I'm claiming expertise, by any means.)

 

But please understand that I love my child. I like my child. My child is a very happy 4-year-old--she plays all day long (doesnt even watch TV), she dresses up, plays with play dough, paints, makes messes, does puzzles, runs around in the woods, etc. We laugh and snuggle and I read books to her. I don't sit her down at a table and force her to do school. I said that I started teaching her to read because she was interested. Then I backed off because she wasn't interested. And now I started again (at dh's behest) and she clearly isn't ready. That's all. I not pushing academics on her.

 

Thank you, everyone who has offered advice and gentle reminders. To the rest of you, enjoy the rest of your afternoon knowing that you made someone cry today--kind of a lot--and feel like a failure as a mother. Over sensitive? Perhaps. But that's the kind of day I'm having. The thing about internet communication is that you don't know the state of mind of the person on the other end of the computer. You don't know what kind of day other people having. And you certainly don't know what kind of parent someone is or the nature of their relationship with their child from a one-paragraph post on a random message board. So let us all remember that our words can hurt people, even people who don't care about our opinions, and post our comments accordingly.

[Aspasia]

Eh, I don't think it's horrible to admit that sometimes a 4 year old will take the easy way out. Mine will lay on the couch and claim she is soooo tired when it's time to clean up, while her younger sister merrily puts things away. Usually what she is saying with her "laziness" is that she is overwhelmed. She can see that it's going to take a few steps to do what you have asked, but she might not be sure she can get there. It isn't inappropriate for the age. That doesn't mean I freely encourage it. ;)

 

I will flat out tell my daughter that she is going to pick up her things before she does anything fun. It doesn't mean I despise her. If I ask her to do something she thinks is too difficult, I apologize but we work through it together instead of abandoning it for later. We still run and jump and play and act silly.

 

In our house, whining and trying to get out of things usually means that something requires a little more guidance and we need a little more sleep. I try to set us up for success next time. I try to constantly model the correct way to ask for something or to express displeasure or to request an alternative. If I request something, whining and saying it can't be done is not an acceptable response. I also love my children deeply, even when they whine.

 

THANK YOU! :hurray:

[Ellie]

That doesn't sound the least bit like "laziness" to me. That sounds like a 4yo child who doesn't know how to read that many words together yet, 'cuz, you know, she's just 4.

 

Please do not give her that label. It will follow her around and affect the way you interact with her on so many levels.

[Chrysalis Academy]

Adrienne, I have been exactly where you are, having a really, really tough day and wanting to reach out for some help and support. I am *so sorry* that you got slammed by some very cruel responses. FWIW, they made me cry too. Hang in there. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[SorrelZG]

Adrienne, I have been exactly where you are, having a really, really tough day and wanting to reach out for some help and support. I am *so sorry* that you got slammed by some very cruel responses. FWIW, they made me cry too. Hang in there. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

:grouphug: to both of you. I'm thankful for those who responded with frank but gentle and encouraging words of wisdom.

[Ester Maria]

I'm only referring to the fact that we are bothered by dd's tendency to give up very easily with most things that she tries, including things that she really wants to do, like riding a bike. She just tends to give up right when she meets resistance. It bothers us.

But what we are saying, essentially, is that you are taking her too seriously. Which is perfectly normal and natural for your first child! :001_smile: Personally, I was trying to cheer you up (rather than imply than your daughter is unhappy or that you are not a good mother) by saying - look, she is four, these are the things that are more likely to be on her repertory, and really, that is fine at that age.

 

We all want the best for our kids and tend to get disturbed if we notice tendencies which would worry us in an older child, but precisely in that act of taking a four year old's behavior's so... seriously... there is a trap. A four year old is more likely to be simply overwhelmed than lazy, as in the kind of laziness that is a real character issue. Or a bit cheeky, if she "happens" to be tired every time when something is expected of her. But it is a different kind of cheeky at four than at six than at twelve, a lot more innocent, a lot less serious. You may be overthinking what are normal small stuff that you are probably better off not sweating. I think DH and you need to be on the same page regarding those things. I can understand the pressure on you by him to do certain things with DD, but that is something you two need to work out between you. Also, in my experience too, a lot of men are generally a lot more clueless as to how kids "ought" to behave at what age, compared to women. Just like you, he probably means well, but may not understand why what he means so well may not be what your DD needs now. But that is something to address between the two of you, rather than via DD.

Thank you, everyone who has offered advice and gentle reminders. To the rest of you, enjoy the rest of your afternoon knowing that you made someone cry today--kind of a lot--and feel like a failure as a mother. Over sensitive? Perhaps. But that's the kind of day I'm having. The thing about internet communication is that you don't know the state of mind of the person on the other end of the computer. You don't know what kind of day other people having. And you certainly don't know what kind of parent someone is or the nature of their relationship with their child from a one-paragraph post on a random message board. So let us all remember that our words can hurt people, even people who don't care about our opinions, and post our comments accordingly.

Adrienne, I am sorry if my post in particular upset you, however, I do feel the urge to tell you that in my view and my mores this way of talking to people, by playing the emotional card, is out of line.

 

From what I can gather, the vast majority of people on these boards probably has no ill intentions behind what they write, and they typically express themselves quite politely, although there may be some differences in personal styles of expression and opinions themselves.

On the other hand, your emotions are on your side of the fence, under your jurisdiction, if anyone's. You cannot control what other people are going to think and what they are going to say - what you can control, to an extent, is how you react to it, as an adult and an emotionally mature person. Of course that things can rub you the wrong way, or even emotionally upset you, and of course that you are going to lose it sometimes, like everybody else; but as a general observation, if I may allow myself one "moralizing" moment, playing the guilt card, or lecturing people with sentences like your last one, is still something I believe you should refrain yourself from doing, if you can, in spite of the hurt and irritation you may feel. Nobody has the amount of power over you greater than your own self. Consequently, nobody can make you feel inferior if you do not, on some level, allow it. Nobody's words matter if you do not give them importance. NOT that it is an excuse for rudeness, if there is rudeness on the other side, but perhaps you can entertain what other people might have to say based on an obviously tiny, tiny insight into your life, without taking it so hard, or work on it? Keep in mind that it is not even that they are offering unsolicited advice - you asked them to!

 

The tricky thing about the internet communication is that you must always take not with a gram, but with a kilogram of salt everything other people write or suggest, because they do not know you and you do not know them, and a lot of the context is missing, people are writing with their own cultural-educational agendas and their own personal baggage, and a lot of things are based on very superficial impressions. Once you accept that it is simply such a medium, and nothing to do about it, it gets easier to consider things, but without taking them personally.

I completely understand why it may be frustrating for you, especially on a bad day, and you have my sympathy for that :grouphug:; but I still felt the need to say that it is also frustrating when one writes an intellectually honest view, to the best of their discerning ability based on that snippet you share (which we all know sheds a limited and possibly distorted light on the problem), of how they see something, and as a result of that they get slammed with moralizing, guilt-tripping comments, told or implied that they do not care about other people's feelings. It is not a nice place to be in, either.

[caedmyn]

But what we are saying, essentially, is that you are taking her too seriously. Which is perfectly normal and natural for your first child! :001_smile: Personally, I was trying to cheer you up (rather than imply than your daughter is unhappy or that you are not a good mother) by saying - look, she is four, these are the things that are more likely to be on her repertory, and really, that is fine at that age.

 

We all want the best for our kids and tend to get disturbed if we notice tendencies which would worry us in an older child, but precisely in that act of taking a four year old's behavior's so... seriously... there is a trap. A four year old is more likely to be simply overwhelmed than lazy, as in the kind of laziness that is a real character issue. Or a bit cheeky, if she "happens" to be tired every time when something is expected of her. But it is a different kind of cheeky at four than at six than at twelve, a lot more innocent, a lot less serious. You may be overthinking what are normal small stuff that you are probably better off not sweating. I think DH and you need to be on the same page regarding those things. I can understand the pressure on you by him to do certain things with DD, but that is something you two need to work out between you. Also, in my experience too, a lot of men are generally a lot more clueless as to how kids "ought" to behave at what age, compared to women. Just like you, he probably means well, but may not understand why what he means so well may not be what your DD needs now. But that is something to address between the two of you, rather than via DD.

 

 

Personally, I think it's too easy to view so much of a young child's behavior as "normal for that age" and ignore the fact that it's so easy for them to develop poor habits that may be very hard to break later. That doesn't mean you have to crack down instantly on everything that might develop into a bad habit, but I think it's wise to not just accept many behaviors as "developmentally normal" and instead focus on gently training the child toward the behavior you want. Although the idea of training a child seems to be somewhat un-PC on this board so I may get flamed for saying that.

 

I've been in the OP's shoes, and gotten similar responses to various questions where I was very frustrated (on a different forum), and frankly, those types of responses make me want to hit the "ignore" button. They really come across as "you're clearly a lousy parent and I'm so much better than you that I would NEVER do those sorts of things". IMO.

[Aspasia]

 

Adrienne, I am sorry if my post in particular upset you, however, I do feel the urge to tell you that in my view and my mores this way of talking to people, by playing the emotional card, is out of line.

 

From what I can gather, the vast majority of people on these boards probably has no ill intentions behind what they write, and they typically express themselves quite politely, although there may be some differences in personal styles of expression and opinions themselves.

On the other hand, your emotions are on your side of the fence, under your jurisdiction, if anyone's. You cannot control what other people are going to think and what they are going to say - what you can control, to an extent, is how you react to it, as an adult and an emotionally mature person. Of course that things can rub you the wrong way, or even emotionally upset you, and of course that you are going to lose it sometimes, like everybody else; but as a general observation, if I may allow myself one "moralizing" moment, playing the guilt card, or lecturing people with sentences like your last one, is still something I believe you should refrain yourself from doing, if you can, in spite of the hurt and irritation you may feel. Nobody has the amount of power over you greater than your own self. Consequently, nobody can make you feel inferior if you do not, on some level, allow it. Nobody's words matter if you do not give them importance. NOT that it is an excuse for rudeness, if there is rudeness on the other side, but perhaps you can entertain what other people might have to say based on an obviously tiny, tiny insight into your life, without taking it so hard, or work on it? Keep in mind that it is not even that they are offering unsolicited advice - you asked them to!

 

The tricky thing about the internet communication is that you must always take not with a gram, but with a kilogram of salt everything other people write or suggest, because they do not know you and you do not know them, and a lot of the context is missing, people are writing with their own cultural-educational agendas and their own personal baggage, and a lot of things are based on very superficial impressions. Once you accept that it is simply such a medium, and nothing to do about it, it gets easier to consider things, but without taking them personally.

I completely understand why it may be frustrating for you, especially on a bad day, and you have my sympathy for that :grouphug:; but I still felt the need to say that it is also frustrating when one writes an intellectually honest view, to the best of their discerning ability based on that snippet you share (which we all know sheds a limited and possibly distorted light on the problem), of how they see something, and as a result of that they get slammed with moralizing, guilt-tripping comments, told or implied that they do not care about other people's feelings. It is not a nice place to be in, either.

 

Actually, I wasn't referring to your post at all. Yours was one of the helpful ones I referred to. I was only referring to the blatantly critical ones, which were the minority. And I actually think it's good for people to know that their words hurt people. If I hurt people's feelings, I want to know. Yes, people are responsible for their own emotional reactions. But that doesn't mean we should all run around spouting insensitive, critical language and then saying, "Hey, it's your fault if you take offense. You're in charge of your feelings." We SHOULD be aware of the fact that we don't know people's circumstances and we should tread lightly, especially when it comes to sensitive issues like parenting. We all feel certain insecurities as parents (if we're being honest with ourselves)--we don't need other mothers reinforcing those things or pointing out new ones, you know?

 

And FWIW, I do give people the benefit of the doubt. This is the first time in my life that any post on a forum made me cry (and I'm quite active on another board). Most posts are either clearly supportive or murky and I assume that the murky ones are trying to be supportive just aren't worded well. It's the blatantly critical comments (of which there are a couple on this thread) that I find to be completely out of line.

[Cassy]

:grouphug: Adrienne, you really didn't deserve such harshness. You sounded very much like I was with my first, like many mothers I have known over the years with their first children. The advice we get here can be wonderful, invaluable, but some posts can be very hurtful too, I don't think you're at all oversensitive. I hope your day gets better.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

[almondbutterandjelly]

Back to OP for a moment, I just wanted to mention that we have a "no whining" rule. Four is prime whining age, and it needs to be nipped in the bud (I think Supernanny gave me this idea.) Teach her how to express a similar sentiment in a better way, without whining. Like a "it's okay to tell me how you feel, but your tone needs to be more like this, and your attitude needs to be good." And complaining is not allowed, either. Whining and complaining are time-out-able offenses in our house. You can say what you want to say without whining. Give suggestions for ways to re-word the whines.

 

Also, I am thinking that your dc sounds a bit like mine, who stops when things get challenging. While fairly typical for a four year old, it also may be that your dc is a perfectionist, and if can't do it right away, doesn't want to try and gets frustrated. My dc is that way, and it takes a lot of encouraging conversations over the course of many years to overcome this. So hugs!

 

Also, in case it's any consolation in the bike riding department, my dd didn't learn until age 9 and then she taught herself. :grouphug:

[Ester Maria]

Oh! I am sorry, I guess the reason why I felt a bit "called out" by your post was because I have some personal baggage with the board communication. :blush: I have treaded less than lightly at times, and have been too brusque and too honest at times, so I sometimes tend to automatically assume that I am at fault if an issue arises in a thread. Now this whole situation is a bit ironic because I was telling you that you are bringing up things from your side of the fence, while effectively I was doing exactly that by being defensive and feeling called out because of my own baggage. Oops. I am sorry.

 

On a lighter note, I skimmed your blog and she is really cute. :001_smile:

[MBM]

Well, my husband is sometimes lazy, but I still love him. LOL.

 

At four, I'd suggest reading to your daughter and having her listen to books on tape. Concentrate on her hearing words and language. Later, you can try to sneak in a few short lessons to see if she's ready.

 

As for being helpful (if that's a problem), I found that having my kids consistently perform one small, do-able task worked wonders. For example, I'd make sure they'd put all of their blocks away until it became a habit. As certain tasks turned into habits, I added others. Eventually, they didn't like having a mess in their space after playing, so they'd tidy up. Be patient! This takes time.

 

Good luck. :)

[Ellie]

Faithr, thank you for your constructive message.

 

Look, ladies, I admit that my language in my opening post was a bit harsh. Im having a bad day. Ever had one of those? When I say that we've known this for awhile, I'm only referring to the fact that we are bothered by dd's tendency to give up very easily with most things that she tries, including things that she really wants to do, like riding a bike. She just tends to give up right when she meets resistance. It bothers us.

 

I also admit that this is my first time doing this. She's my first kid. Maybe my expectations aren't entirely realistic (and I'm not talking about my expectations for reading, as I really don't have any, but rather my expectations regarding her behavior). And I'm not clueless about child development--it was my minor (not that I'm claiming expertise, by any means.)

But dear, that isn't laziness. I'll bet she's a perfectionist, which most first-borns are; when she knows she cannot do something perfectly, the only way she can handle it is to stop "when she meets resistance." I say this as a first-born. :-) Dr. Kevin Lehman's "The Birth Order Book" really helped me understand how that whole birth-order thing works. :)

[foxbridgeacademy]

She is FOUR. Sounds normal to me. I would see her reluctance as a sign that she is not ready. I would not push for the reading if she is not interested, but simply wait; it will be much easier later on.

:iagree:

Just because she can sound out words does not mean she's ready to read whole sentences. As for whining that will pass.... some;) as she ages.

[beaners]

I guess I dont understand why you would think its ok to post such critical unkind things about a 4 yr old and then complain about your own feelings being bruised.

 

I've noticed a couple threads today where you seem to be quick to attack. I know this can be a bit of a stressful time for a lot of people. Maybe a little break and a cup of something warm would be helpful? :001_smile: I'm not saying this to be snarky. I'm just trying to gently suggest that you seem to be responding rather harshly and I don't specifically recall seeing that from you before. (It's a very busy board though, so if this is your normal reaction I've missed it.) It's easier on your own heart to read the things others have written with the idea that they too are loving parents who are trying very, very hard. Because they are. :grouphug:

 

And I'm sorry if that comes across offensively. My intention is truly to be kind and understanding.

[justamouse]

But dear, that isn't laziness. I'll bet she's a perfectionist, which most first-borns are; when she knows she cannot do something perfectly, the only way she can handle it is to stop "when she meets resistance." I say this as a first-born. :-) Dr. Kevin Lehman's "The Birth Order Book" really helped me understand how that whole birth-order thing works. :)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

UGh, the perfectionism of first borns. I am, Dh is one, and though my oldest daughter is second born, her perfectionism absolutely paralyzes her.

 

We bought her a wake board one year, at about 12, she rode it once, fell, and refused to try again. You should have seen the look she gave it, as if it were positivly loathsome.

 

She'll grow out of it with encouragement, but at four...well... that's really young.

[FromA2Z]

I guess I dont understand why you would think its ok to post such critical unkind things about a 4 yr old and then complain about your own feelings being bruised.

 

I guess I don't see that describing a child as "lazy" is such a critical and unkind thing. Laziness is simply a trait that needs to be worked on (very slowly and non-judgmentally at 4.) If the OP had asked for suggestions on dealing with a hyperactive child, would you blast her and accuse her of not liking her child b/c she "labeled" her child as hyperactive. Based on the OP responses it doesn't seem that she tells her child that she's lazy..but was describing her behavior to us in hopes that we might have suggestions for dealing with it.

 

I agree (and I believe the OP does as well) that the "lazy" description should NOT be applied simply b/c the child whines at reading a sentence (it IS way to early for that). I'm sure that using reading as an example of "laziness" is not warranted but the OP indicated that reading is not the only area that this trait is exhibited nor is it a new trait but rather an ongoing pattern. B/c you won't give her any slack based on her follow up posts, it seems that it isn't the reading issue that has you so up in arms against her but simply the fact that she described her child as "lazy" and that she feels it's a trait she needs to work on with her.

 

My ds (3.5) is lazy - and I love him very much and we have a great time. If he's playing and wants a certain toy, he'll ask me to go get it - he doesn't want to look for it or stop what he's doing to get it. It could be 3 feet from him but it's too difficult. Yesterday, he told me he's not a very good helper, (I've never said this to him) he just said it in hopes he could get out of helping me pick up his toys. (I tell him he's a very good helper when he helps). PS to OP, my ds also has the same problem on his trike: he is physically capable and coordinated to pedal but it's oh so much easier to peddle when Mom is pushing from behind. (ouch my back!)

 

I guess that makes me a mom who doesn't like her child b/c I'd like for him to help pick up after himself and do some things for himself even if he doesn't feel like it or it might take a bit of effort and that I think he might be a bit lazy b/c he doesn't.

 

So if anyone has any good ideas to gently and incrementally encourage a young child to expend themselves a little bit, I'm all ears.

[Critterfixer]

But to have decided at this very young age that your child has a character defect of laziness is so harsh and negative that I cant understand it.

 

I'm not entirely sure it is a character defect. According to my DH all good engineers are lazy.:001_smile:

 

For the OP: I've found the kitchen timer to be a good resource for encouraging work to be done in a timely fashion. Racing the timer adds an element of competition to things that they would normally drag their feet on. Sometimes a reminder about what is waiting for them when they finish is helpful as well.

The timer is good for keeping me from overdoing it when it comes to academics. (I need it--I sat down yesterday and wrote out everything we were doing and how much time I wanted to devote to it and it came out at 9 hours per day for second grade! How's that for unrealistic?)

[Caribbean Queen]

...like riding a bike. She just tends to give up right when she meets resistance. It bothers us.

 

:001_huh:

 

Please take a

:chillpill: and be positive.

She reads some words? Great!

She doesn't ride her bike? Meh. Eh. Whatever.

 

NOT

She reads words, so she could sentences, if she wasn't so lazy.

We are really bothered by her not riding her bike.

[jennynd]

DS is extreme perfectionist. He won't do things unless he know 100% that he can do it. at 12 months, he went from crawling to walk in one day, He won't try to walk "AT ALL" before that. but he never,ever fall on his butt. He didn't really talk until he is 26-27 months (however, he did read words) but when he talked, he spoke 10+ words sentence. You can see in his eyes that he was observing and thinking if he can do it.

We constantly tell him that try, try try. don't worry what gonna happen.

 

My DD, totally opposite, want to try everything. She crawl at 4 months old and walk at 7 months. for her, I told her, think, think think,,

 

It is just different kid and you parenting base on their different....And perfectionist tend to "afraid" making mistake. Don't make her even more so. Let her know it is "OK" to make mistake

Edited December 28, 2011 by jennynd

[jennynd]

I guess I just cant agree that it is normal to describe your very young child in the way the OP has done. I found it very very shocking.

 

Frustration and parental anger is pretty normal and I understand both those feelings happen even when your child is 4. I understand teaching your own first child can be frustrating- you are feeling blindly around you. Not knowing which way to go or what materials will work. Not knowing yet that 2 steps forward, 1 step back can be normal and good. Its scary.

 

But to have decided at this very young age that your child has a character defect of laziness is so harsh and negative that I cant understand it.

really afraid to say that I kind agree with this

 

Giving that the girl is her 1st (and the little girl is so darn cute), I just want to say, we all tumbling on few things be a parent. Just remember a smile and lots of hugs and kisses

[Rosie_0801]

If you think she's the perfectionist type, try moving away from praising outcomes a little and praise her effort. Adults tend to use "great work" and "good effort" but I've found little kids respond better to "very good trying" even though it's not elegant phrasing. :tongue_smilie: Don't stop praising outcomes because then you're not giving her what she wants, but try to use language to encourage her to think of trying as an outcome too. If that makes sense. I'm sleep deprived. :rolleyes:

 

Rosie

[kubiac]

If you do not act on this now, this is going to turn into a serious problem.

 

I recommend starting with a morning routine. First, every morning your DD should snuggle into your bed, and then you should spend a few hours getting up / getting dressed / hugging / "Gosh, DD, you are such a pretty little girl and mommy is so happy to have you"ing, you should smother the child with your love and enthusiasm about being with them, and along that, you should extend the same treatment to that other little one you have. :D

 

Then learning time comes as you cook some food, allow her to mess up something, LAUGH with her on it, smother her with your love some more, listen to AAAALLL of her chattery reports about squirrels in the park or whatever other topic she is interested in, then you put on some music for you to enjoy and sing together, and you make really, really sure that your daughter is not behind in being a happy four year old.

 

Then you take her to some park to climb trees, have her run around and play in sand and with other kids and enjoy a sunny afternoon (okay, maybe not applicable in midst of winter :lol:, but she can enjoy snow then - snow is awesome).

 

Then you warm up again at home with some tea, some snuggling together on the couch as you "read" together whatever she is interested in, then she falls asleep on you, then you are "aww"ing at how cute your little girl is and delaying the moment in which you get up to put her in bed. And then your DH comes home, and the little girl is in her bed, and as you hold the other child you are looking at her and thinking what a nice and adorable family you have and how you of all people are so blessed with these awesome little kids. Then you argue some with DH, get irritated some at the baby, then take a glass of wine to chill, and still smile because things are still so good. :D

 

----

 

Seriously, she will only be four for so long. ENJOY this time. ENJOY each phase of her development for what it is, not for what it would be "perfect" if it were. She will grow up so fast and you will miss that little girl in a few short years. A few extra books you would have read with her this year are just. not. worth it. if the child is not the one asking to do it. She is probably bright, as she gets things, but just not ready to delve into school, and there is absolutely no reason to force anything on her right now. Just because she has a capacity to do things, it does not mean she has to be made to do them just because she can. IMO, kids are being pushed into schools too early anyway - I think few of them should be learning even at 5, and 6 seems like a reasonable "default" age to me, even 7 for some children. Play with her and love her - that is all that most 4 year olds need anyway, and you definitely do not need your relationship overshadowed by school at that age. I would totally put the school on hold unless she wants to do it, for at least another year, if not even two. And - I do not know whether you hang on the boards much, I see you registered this year and have fairly few posts, so in case you do not "know" me - I am a really academic person and education really matters to me, so this is not some relaxed unschooler telling you to chill a bit. :D She will be fine and not doing school at 4 will not handicap her in ANY way! Your DH needs to back off and realize that developmental needs of a 4 year old do not include being frustrated over schoolwork or labeled as lazy (even if only in parent's mind).

 

:grouphug:

 

Can I just beg you to have a blog? Your posts are treasures and I feel like they should be shared as far as wide as they possibly can be!

[caedmyn]

I find it extremely odd to think *I* am the harsh one here in this thread.

 

I realise that this board tends toward the traditional authoritarian parenting methodology but really, several threads here really surprise me.

 

I find it odd that you think that. I'd say at least 75% of the responses to any given thread on discipline are from an AP or gentle discipline viewpoint. Most of the rest appear to be from an authoritative viewpoint. Very few come across to me as authoritarian.

[Cassy]

I find it odd that you think that. I'd say at least 75% of the responses to any given thread on discipline are from an AP or gentle discipline viewpoint. Most of the rest appear to be from an authoritative viewpoint. Very few come across to me as authoritarian.

 

:iagree: absolutely.

 

I also didn't read anything in the OP that suggested either extreme negativity towards her child or a tendency towards severe discipline. Adrienne just sounded a little frustrated, a little anxious, nothing more.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

[Another Lynn]

.... My child is a very happy 4-year-old--she plays all day long (doesnt even watch TV), she dresses up, plays with play dough, paints, makes messes, does puzzles, runs around in the woods, etc. We laugh and snuggle and I read books to her. I don't sit her down at a table and force her to do school. I said that I started teaching her to read because she was interested. Then I backed off because she wasn't interested. And now I started again (at dh's behest) and she clearly isn't ready. That's all. I not pushing academics on her.

 

 

:grouphug: You are doing a great job! And your responses in this thread show that you have the common sense to know which advice to follow and which advice to ignore. I'm so sorry you had to deal with harshness while you gleaned from the helpful posts. (Those are the kind of attacks I expect on the General Board, not on the K-8, LOL!)

 

I agree with pp about encouraging her, teaching her to communicate without whining, supporting her in typical tasks (i.e. picking up) to encourage her to overcome any resistence she may have, etc.... On the reading front, if you are comfortable with this and she seems receptive... here are a couple ideas.... Bingo. I don't know what's available right now, I have an old game called SpellLingo. THe first couple cards have CVC words. Later cards add consonant blends, silent e words, etc. This was a great way to help some of mine get more proficient when they could sound out words, but sentences still seemed overwhelming. Another thought I had was for you to make index cards with three or four words she can sound out. Let her sound them out. Then, lay them out and see if she wants to make a sentence with them. If that's too hard, model it for her. Let her sound out the words and then you make them into a sentence. Even if you are the one modeling sentences for the next 4 months, she will see that stepping up to sentences in the coming months won't be such a huge step. Trust you gut on when to try and when to back off. You are fine.

 

Finally, when I read the title (How do you deal with laziness?) I thought immediately of my OWN laziness, LOL! I still don't have an answer for that one, :D.

 

ETA: I also love Rosie's advice about how we praise our kids. I think I was always being praised for things that didn't seem like a big deal to me as I grew up. So, yes praise effort. Praise her willingness to try challenging things more than her results. That's definitely advice I need to hear.

Edited December 28, 2011 by Another Lynn

[boscopup]

ETA: I also love Rosie's advice about how we praise our kids. I think I was always being praised for things that didn't seem like a big deal to me as I grew up. So, yes praise effort. Praise her willingness to try challenging things more than her results. That's definitely advice I need to hear.

 

:iagree: (agree with the whole post, actually, but just snipped it to this)

 

Also, be sure to say "That's good enough" when she is doing something that isn't perfect, and model to her that YOU don't always do things perfectly either. Perfectionism is difficult to deal with in these early years. My oldest also wouldn't try to do something until he could do it perfectly. That included talking! He wouldn't try to say a word until he could say all the sounds perfectly, so he didn't start talking until 2 years old. He wouldn't read until he could read "perfectly" (in his mind), so he wouldn't try to blend, even though he could chunk words into their sounds (a la Starfall.com) for a good year or so! One day, he finally sat down with a book and started reading it. He needed very little help. He read words such as "like" on his own. :confused: He'd been learning quite a bit from playing Starfall.com, but he wouldn't do the sounding out stage. He waited until he could really read. :D

 

In other areas, the perfectionism has been a problem as well. I just wouldn't worry about the academic side of it at 4. DO work on the other side - doing housework, learning to ask nicely for things instead of whining, etc. My middle son is a whiner. I love him dearly, but yes, he whines and whines. I ignore his whines or tell him to ask nicely without whining. My parents used to call me Beaker, so we know where my son gets it from. :lol:

 

Anyway, the last couple years (ages 6-7), my perfectionist oldest son has been learning not to be perfect. He's been learning to work at school (by me giving him appropriate grade level material). This is the child that resisted school at age 4 - big time resisted. He wasn't ready for formal learning. It didn't hurt him a bit to wait until age 5 to start formal school (he went to school that year). When I brought him home at age 6.5 last year, he was a joy to teach. We just had to work on the perfectionism so he wouldn't have tears when hitting something remotely hard. :tongue_smilie:That's MUCH better now. I've especially made it a point to let him know when I've done something imperfectly and I'm ok with it, so he can learn to be ok with it too.

[Jonibee]

Adrienne,

 

I am sorry you felt a little blasted here. I have noticed that if anyone asks any sort of question regarding any sort of academic pursuit before the child is oh, 7 or so, there will always be some chiming in to tell you to relax! Your child is ONLY blank years old. blah blah blah

 

However, I won't be that person. ;) Children are just different. So are Moms. I was a mom like you, and 20 years later, I still am. My oldest kids say they're going to engrave on my tombstone, Work First, Play Second, for as many times as they've heard it. I have written next to my computer, Work Hard, Go to Heaven Tired. That's just who I am.

 

When it comes to parenting and homeschooling, it's not just about the child. It's about the mom, too. (Meaning we will do what is in US to do, not just what the "world" might say our child needs now.)

 

Yes, when you see hints of character traits you don't want, nipping that bud sooner rather than later is always best. Of course, you don't want to dislike your child, and you want to love on her as much as possible. You want to brag on her in front of other people -- that has done more for my kids, I think, than anything.

 

When my olders were really young and I had many in tow at the grocery store or whatever, if the cashier said to me, "your children are so well behaved!" . . . well, when we walked out of the store, I gave each of my kids a dime. I told them how much it made me thrilled that a stranger would say such a thing. They remember that. What's a dime? Nothing except a tangible thing to touch as a reminder that Mom was happy with me today. Maybe you can find something like that -- when others brag on your kids or you get to do the bragging to someone else. Even if my kids don't overhear me brag to my mom or a friend, I know that "the vibes" improve between my child and me when I do that.

 

Lazy? They were all lazy at times. Lazy was easier to deal with than whining. I had one who whined until the day she was married. We had to teach her how to think the whine thoughts but not say them. I searched out quotes to say often -- like from the movie Cool Runnings -- "You know what MY grandfather always said? Get back to work!" And after a time, we would say only the first part of the quote and everyone would laugh and get back at it. My kids all quote movies, Cosby, I Love Lucy. Movies and books are very rich for sayings without my personal judgment. As much as possible, try to keep your judgment out of what you say.

 

My oldest taught me to pray, for I was often in prayer over her -- she'd be the first to tell you how perfectionist she was/is, how negative she can be, how she wears her heart on her sleeve, how hard it is for her to give up a grudge. God taught me how much can be worked out through prayer and a happy face. No matter how my daughter was, I could choose to be cheerful. It's not worth it to let your children create your attitude. You choose to get your attitude right first, and keep that in spite of them.

 

Sing a lot. Play happy tunes. Tell jokes. Your dd is probably, along with perfectionistic, more serious than she needs to be, but it is who she is. School can be fun, too. Keep lessons short. Brag on your dd (she IS really bright, you know!) when she overheards and when she doesn't overhear. It helps you more than you think, to brag on her good qualities.

 

I have been in prayer about you since I saw this thread open. I hope you realize you're not alone. Many have done what you are doing with very young children and have lived to tell about it and, as I, would still do it all over again. No regrets here for having started young. Do I take my mother job seriously? You bet.

[sparks]

:iagree:

 

Adrienne,

 

I am sorry you felt a little blasted here. I have noticed that if anyone asks any sort of question regarding any sort of academic pursuit before the child is oh, 7 or so, there will always be some chiming in to tell you to relax! Your child is ONLY blank years old. blah blah blah

 

However, I won't be that person. ;) Children are just different. So are Moms. I was a mom like you, and 20 years later, I still am. My oldest kids say they're going to engrave on my tombstone, Work First, Play Second, for as many times as they've heard it. I have written next to my computer, Work Hard, Go to Heaven Tired. That's just who I am.

 

When it comes to parenting and homeschooling, it's not just about the child. It's about the mom, too. (Meaning we will do what is in US to do, not just what the "world" might say our child needs now.)

 

Yes, when you see hints of character traits you don't want, nipping that bud sooner rather than later is always best. Of course, you don't want to dislike your child, and you want to love on her as much as possible. You want to brag on her in front of other people -- that has done more for my kids, I think, than anything.

 

When my olders were really young and I had many in tow at the grocery store or whatever, if the cashier said to me, "your children are so well behaved!" . . . well, when we walked out of the store, I gave each of my kids a dime. I told them how much it made me thrilled that a stranger would say such a thing. They remember that. What's a dime? Nothing except a tangible thing to touch as a reminder that Mom was happy with me today. Maybe you can find something like that -- when others brag on your kids or you get to do the bragging to someone else. Even if my kids don't overhear me brag to my mom or a friend, I know that "the vibes" improve between my child and me when I do that.

 

Lazy? They were all lazy at times. Lazy was easier to deal with than whining. I had one who whined until the day she was married. We had to teach her how to think the whine thoughts but not say them. I searched out quotes to say often -- like from the movie Cool Runnings -- "You know what MY grandfather always said? Get back to work!" And after a time, we would say only the first part of the quote and everyone would laugh and get back at it. My kids all quote movies, Cosby, I Love Lucy. Movies and books are very rich for sayings without my personal judgment. As much as possible, try to keep your judgment out of what you say.

 

My oldest taught me to pray, for I was often in prayer over her -- she'd be the first to tell you how perfectionist she was/is, how negative she can be, how she wears her heart on her sleeve, how hard it is for her to give up a grudge. God taught me how much can be worked out through prayer and a happy face. No matter how my daughter was, I could choose to be cheerful. It's not worth it to let your children create your attitude. You choose to get your attitude right first, and keep that in spite of them.

 

Sing a lot. Play happy tunes. Tell jokes. Your dd is probably, along with perfectionistic, more serious than she needs to be, but it is who she is. School can be fun, too. Keep lessons short. Brag on your dd (she IS really bright, you know!) when she overheards and when she doesn't overhear. It helps you more than you think, to brag on her good qualities.

 

I have been in prayer about you since I saw this thread open. I hope you realize you're not alone. Many have done what you are doing with very young children and have lived to tell about it and, as I, would still do it all over again. No regrets here for having started young. Do I take my mother job seriously? You bet.

[hsmom]

Seriously? Who talks to a complete stranger like this, based on a tiny little piece of information? :confused:

:iagree:

 

Many people here start early, so why be bashed because she is 4? Not sure on that one.

 

Also if your daughter is like my son who is now 7 this is going to be a daily fight. I wish I would have stared doing something earlier to correct this instead of having the attitude oh he is just 4. Because it really was not just the fact he was four. And it sounds like to me you may have a long road ahead of you. I am sorry for horrible comments like some of the others.

[SorrelZG]

Jonibee, that was just a blessing to me, although not the OP. Thank-you. :)

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Lack of readiness was honestly my first thought. DD did originally show an interest in reading, so we moved forward. (This was several months ago.) Then she started putting up resistance so I dropped it for a few months. Lately, dh has been pushing me to get back on it, so I decided to give it a try and this is the result.

 

So maybe my new question is, how do you deal with a pushy dh? :glare:

 

(I'll start a new thread about that over on the general board.)

 

Thanks, ladies.

 

A couple thoughts:

 

An interest in reading might be an interest in books, an interest in learning to read herself, an interest in your reading to her.

 

Then resistance might be related to: lack of readiness, a desire to hear the stories more than read them (related to readiness), a concern that learning to read will mean you won't read to her, actual difficulties related to reading (though 4 might be early to diagnose, not sure about that).

 

I would do a couple things. If it feels like she isn't ready to learn that abstract symbols represent sounds (with some sounds having more than one set of symbols and some symbols having more than one sound:tongue_smilie:) then spend some good time reading to her. This will increase the amount of language she's exposed to, meaning that when she does later learn to read, she's sounding out words she knows. The Read-Aloud Handbook by Jim Trelease is a great resource for getting started with this.

 

Take a quick inventory of how you react to "laziness" or "whining" in other contexts. For example, if you ask her to get dressed and she doesn't, what do you do? What if you ask her to set the table or pick up dirty clothes or other things? I've found that my responses and attitudes can contribute to not obeying right away (for example, not reacting when a kid doesn't do as they are told or counting as a warning).

 

Anyway. I would counter the pressure to get started with lots of reading to and with your dd and taking time now to make sure that she understands how to obey cheerfully. One of the few things I'd change, looking back a decade, is to do more reading to my kids.

[MistyMountain]

It is funny I wasn't going to read this but I accidently clicked on it and I can relate a little bit. My dd is 5 and she is a perfectionist too. She won't do something until she is very good at it. She did that with walking talking, letters colors and any skill. She won't do something until she is confident even if she is capable of doing something. She doesn't just try. I worry a lot because she is my first and I don't hav an example of another child of mine was was like that and came out fine to look back on. I am still deciding whether or not I can homeschool or not and worried how this aspect of her personality will later impact what she learns or how she will be labeled if she goes to school.

 

I am sorry you got slammend. I agree a 4 year old doesn't need to read sentences and probably isn't ready for more intense academics. She sounds very ahead of the game but I can totally see worrying about a child who is a perfectionist and is exhibiting that even at 4. I do look back on certain stages now that I have younger kids and realize that she was much younger than I thought but many aspects of her personality are still there as she grows and are still issues.

Edited December 28, 2011 by MistyMountain