How much do you edit what you say? or write?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I mean "edit" in the sense of keeping many of my thoughts to myself. I was thinking about this earlier today after visiting the elderly, many of whom have lost or perhaps never had any filters to stop every thought from popping out verbally. I've noticed in public discourse that people in general might be losing the idea of not speaking every thought that comes to mind, even if it is "truly" what you think at the time. This is after I've had people comment on my weight, my children's ethnicity etc. I'm more free with my thoughts with my dh, but even with him, I have an internal filter that refrains from saying many things. I've had people say that by being more judicious in my speech or writing that I was phony. What do you think?

[PrincessMommy]

I edit quite a lot. But, I'm not overly talkative IRL. But, I edit more what I *say* rather than write. It's so easy for me to get foot-in-mouth disease online :blush5:

[TravelingChris]

Well Jean, if you are a phony, so am I. My rules for speaking are the following

Is it true?

Is it kind?

Is it necessary?

 

The first I don't have any problems with at all since I don't have urges to tell lies. The second and third are what I have to keep myself editing. My severely adhd daughter has a problem with #3 and sometimes #2 when she is unmedicated.

[Tigger]

I don't think it's phony, just cautious. But then, I also watch what I say sometimes too since I'm not a wear-it-all-on-my-sleeve type of person; IRL I am pretty private, and even here, I have sometimes edited what I've written when I realize it's TMI for my comfort!

[lllll]

..

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I edit quite a lot. I don't think anyone would like me at all if I said what I was thinking all the time.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I edit quite a lot. But, I'm not overly talkative IRL. But, I edit more what I *say* rather than write. It's so easy for me to get foot-in-mouth disease online :blush5:

 

I get foot in mouth disease irl as well as online. Sigh. My caution is not innate. . .

[Jean in Newcastle]

Well Jean, if you are a phony, so am I. My rules for speaking are the following

Is it true?

Is it kind?

Is it necessary?

 

The first I don't have any problems with at all since I don't have urges to tell lies. The second and third are what I have to keep myself editing. My severely adhd daughter has a problem with #3 and sometimes #2 when she is unmedicated.

 

Those are good rules. I guess I didn't really think I was a phony since what I say isn't untrue, but then you get that whole thing about lying by omission. I do have to think through when I need to speak up to tell necessary truth even when it is not welcomed. I don't think I always do that.

[Liz CA]

Well Jean, if you are a phony, so am I. My rules for speaking are the following

Is it true?

Is it kind?

Is it necessary?

 

 

Thinking before speaking is not phony. It is wise and kinder than the alternative. I think it would be extremely rude to write or speak every fleeting thought. So the choice is now: Be rude or be a phony?

It is probably kinder to be a so-called phony. :001_smile:

[Mama Anna]

My biggest editing factor is, "Is this helpful?" Soooooo many times in conversation with dh, I'm dying to say something only to realize that it would change the subject/bash him over old stuff/cut the ground from under his feet, etc. Most of the time (alas, only most) I manage to keep my mouth shut. I don't do as well with my dc - not sure why.

 

Dh receives most of my rants so other people don't have to suffer them. But even with others, the "helpful" rule works. (Whether or not I always follow it.) I may reeeaaally want to tell my friend about an accomplishment I managed (or one of the dc finished) but find that it would be most unhelpful to her to hear about it right now - maybe she or her dc wouldn't be able to do it for some reason. I may reeeaaally want to share that bit of inside information I have about a particular situation, only to realize that showing off my knowledge (aka gossiping) would be really hurtful. (Duh!)

 

"Helpful" does sometimes mean confronting someone or pointing out painful stuff. When I do that I edit very carefully indeed in order to avoid button-pushing language. (Here I am editing so carefully on this post that this is the fourth try I've made at this sentence. :))

 

I don't think editing makes you a phony. I believe I'm seen as a pretty up-front person IRL because I'm very willing to share myself with others - my history, my mistakes, my journey. Editing has to do with filtering out the hurtful things (like you were writing about, Jean) so that you can get your point across in such a way that your listener will hear it. Just because you can't stand a person you have to deal with doesn't mean that person has to be aware of your dislike, you know? You just don't give them a false impression that you want to be their friend for life. If you can't stand the dessert someone brought to the potluck and you're asked about it, find something to say. You know. A friend has me pegged now; when she asks me what I think of her hair and I say, "It's really different isn't it? Do you like it?" she knows I'm specifically not saying I like it. I don't lie to her and I'm not judging her. I just personally wouldn't be caught dead in it. Maybe I don't think it looks as good as her old cut, but I wouldn't say such a thing unless she specifically asked and I thought she was wanting to hear my opinion.

 

It comes down to what a person is actually asking for and needing to hear in a conversation. If I'm able to figure that out, I try to give it to them if I honestly can. If I can't, I try to change the conversation. If my opinion is asked for and I fear it would unnecessarily offend them, I state it as gently as possible - "A soft answer turns away wrath," after all.

 

I hurt/anger enough people in my life. I try my best not to do it without good cause when I can avoid it.

 

I don't think I am a "phony."

 

HTH!

 

Mama Anna

[acurtis75]

:

I edit quite a lot. I don't think anyone would like me at all if I said what I was thinking all the time.

 

:iagree: I had a conversation with a young lady at church last year after some unfortunate Facebook quotes she should not have shared. Bad language, etc. I told her that it's best not to share everything you're thinking...especially on Facebook or twitter because you can't take it back. I think especially for young people there aren't enough filters today and social media makes the lack of filters more evident.

[PinkInTheBlue]

If I were to simply estimate, or guess, how much I edit myself in talk then I would have to say at least 50%. I do NOT say whatever comes to my mind. I'm heavily edited; many times to a fault.

 

If I were also guessing on how much I edit myself here online I would have to guess at least 75% or more. My count is less than 2000 but if I said everything I thought when I thought it I'd very, very easily be one of the 10,000 posters. (not saying you 10,000 posters don't ever edit what you say :) )

 

I would feel very comfortable guessing at these percentages. Many times I wish I could change it because I do over-edit when some things really need to be said. Also, I'm very happy that I can think of almost no instances that I wish I could go back and un-say something that hurt someone. I guess there are pro and cons to everything. :)

 

Also, I over smiley-face. I know. It's a problem but I have absolutely no intentions of correcting it. :) :) :)

 

By the way, I think editing = thinking before speaking. That's not phony. That's mature.

Edited December 22, 2011 by PinkInTheBlue

[Donna]

I edit what I say all the time...wait, strike that. :lol:

 

No, really, I am a bit more open when online (when there is a bit of anonymity) or with people I know well or have something in common with. I tend to not share unless I really know someone. I just don't talk rather than saying things I don't mean. I figure most people are just asking me questions to make conversation or be nice and that they really don't care to hear a long answer.

 

If I can be helpful, I'll talk more...like when I am working but I have a really hard time talking just to talk in social situations.

[Jean in Newcastle]

My count is less than 2000 but if I said everything I thought when I thought it I'd very, very easily be one of the 10,000 posters. (not saying you 10,000 posters don't ever edit what you say :) )

 

 

I think that's really funny since I have well over 10,000 posts:D I know many many people on this board in real life. I do not post anything here anonymously. So yeah, I edit what I say on this board.

[Audrey]

I call it "filtering." Most people have filters through which they speak or write. We think a lot of things we'd never say.

 

I filter a LOT.

 

Except when my buttons have been pushed too far. Then, it's thrown down time, bless your heart.

[mamakven]

I am VERY open. Often to my own detriment. Its just that i'm a VERY relational person and it just comes naturally. Sometimes its difficult to stop.

 

As for phoniness, i'd say this- its not thinking before speaking that makes you phony, HOWEVER, if you are thinking before speaking and either imply or say things that are not true, or in being silent imply such, THAT in my opinion is where you'd become phony.

[Rosie_0801]

I've had people say that by being more judicious in my speech or writing that I was phony. What do you think?

 

I think that is a bogan thing to think.

 

I edit alright. The exception is with dh, where I don't edit nearly enough. He says it is better for me to be honest, but sometimes I think he might be wrong. On the other hand, if I didn't come out with whatever it was, I mightn't say anything at all, and that's worse.

 

 

Rosie

[choirfarm]

I never say what I think or feel in real life. It might make someome mad. They might not understand. That is why I come here to talk over issues or what I should do. There is no one here to talk to.

[J-rap]

I edit all the time. But, I am a Scandinavian in the Midwest, and that is what we do.

[Hikin' Mama]

If you're phony, then the world would be a better place if there were more "phony" people in it! Especially the online world.

[DawnM]

Excellent rules for speaking and writing.

 

To answer the question. I often write out the nastiness I am THINKING and then look at it and try to think how I could say it nicer. I am certainly not always good at it. I am Irish and red headed after all! :lol: But I do try.

 

Dawn

 

Well Jean, if you are a phony, so am I. My rules for speaking are the following

Is it true?

Is it kind?

Is it necessary?

 

The first I don't have any problems with at all since I don't have urges to tell lies. The second and third are what I have to keep myself editing. My severely adhd daughter has a problem with #3 and sometimes #2 when she is unmedicated.

[LaxMom]

Well Jean, if you are a phony, so am I. My rules for speaking are the following

Is it true?

Is it kind?

Is it necessary?

 

The first I don't have any problems with at all since I don't have urges to tell lies. The second and third are what I have to keep myself editing. My severely adhd daughter has a problem with #3 and sometimes #2 when she is unmedicated.

 

^ this. Particularly the "necessary" part. I've felt compelled to reply to any number of threads and changed my mind because I'm reacting but not really adding anything of value to the dialogue. I hope I'm normally kind, but am usually blunt, so that may come across as something else.

 

And, yes, I've noticed that our (global) filter seems to be slipping.