Was my email snarky?

[anotherbrother]

This is the latest email that I received. Who wants to keep food warm for 6 hours? We usually arrive by 11 or 12.

 

 

"Erin,

 

Hi thanks for offering to bring extra stuff! I should mention that everything that everybody brings needs to be cooked beforehand. If you need to keep something warm, you can put it in Shelley's oven.

 

Regarding the sweet potatoes, Shelley loves sweet potatoes and I thought it would be nice to give her the option of mashed too due to her potato allergy.

 

I like the addition of the fruit plate.

 

NICKI: Would you like to bring the fruit plate?

 

TAYLOR: Would you like me to bring the roasted vegetables & you can bring sweet potato wedges, cider & rolls (half whole wheat)"

 

I better get this all out here. I'm probably reading something into it, but it REALLY bugs me.

[unsinkable]

Cool Whip Sludge?

 

 

Cat

 

:eek:

 

I hope you are not refering to the Dessert Which Has Many Names but which usually contains a nut flour crust, cream cheese layer, pudding layer and Cool Whip (pronounced cool hwhip) layer.

[anotherbrother]

One comment --- does she think Emily does not know how to make a salad? Has Emily brought only lettuce to a meal before or something? The comment in parentheses just made me go :001_huh:.

Emily often makes a salad, and no it's never just had lettuce. Usually it has too much stuff in it.

 

Bottom line --- this year I'm doing all the family faves sans green bean casserole, which my kids and husband loathe (we're doing steamed broccoli instead for the green vegetable). My mom is bringing the pretzel salad (AKA strawberry surprise) and my mom in law is making hot rolls and the creamed pearl onions my dh likes.

 

We did fresh green beans for Thanksgiving instead of veggie casserole because the kids prefer that their vegetable look like vegetables. Who am I to complain as long as they eat them.

[anotherbrother]

 

That is, unless you want to entertain all of us here at the Hive for the rest of the week. :D

 

 

 

I've never been quite this entertaining before.:tongue_smilie:

[myfunnybunch]

:eek:

 

I hope you are not refering to the Dessert Which Has Many Names but which usually contains a nut flour crust, cream cheese layer, pudding layer and Cool Whip (pronounced cool hwhip) layer.

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

I didn't really have anything in mind. Just trying to think of something so awful that one would be asked NOT to make it ever again. Although I did go to a potluck once where someone brought a pie that consisted of frozen Cool Whip in a grocery pie crust.

 

Cat

[ChristineW]

I honestly don't see the big deal. At least its better than our Thanksgiving when we had 5 varieties of pie/cake and grandma got stuck with all the side dishes plus the turkey and stuffing and hosting. I think she'll be a little more specific next year where she states what she needs and has people sign up.

[Catwoman]

One comment --- does she think Emily does not know how to make a salad? Has Emily brought only lettuce to a meal before or something? The comment in parentheses just made me go :001_huh:.

 

Clearly, she believes that Emily is a Complete Moron.

 

Or at least that's how I'd take it if I were Emily. (And along with the Assigned Salad, I would also bring along some sort of heavy, blunt object that could easily be wiped clean of my fingerprints and discreetly disposed of...)

 

After reading the emails from Ms Controlling-Pants, I think I'd think of an excuse to stay home this Christmas. :tongue_smilie:

 

I don't know about anyone else, but I keep thinking that if this woman has such a definite menu in mind, she should step away from the computer and start cooking it all herself.

[Danestress]

Honestly, I would kill for a take charge family member like this. I would love to have someone who wants to be in charge, wants to plan, and will assign me one dish to bring. I would call that 'getting off easy.' lol.

 

Just reading the emails, it seems like you both have take charge personalities and maybe want to manage things a bit, so I am not surprised there could be some head butting. My three sisters and I would all say, 'Hey, you want to be in charge, great. Tell me where to go and what one dish to bring."

[SebastianCat]

I have a step-sister who micromanages in much the same way. She asked my sister, who lives the farthest away (3 hours) and has the youngest child (3 year old) to bring deviled eggs this year. My sister grumbled and complained about the whole thing. My advice to my sister was to tell step-sister next year, "I'm sorry, I was planning to bring something that XXXX (her DS) could help me make. I'll bring _____ instead."

 

Personally, I made a side dish that I knew my kids would eat, PLUS because the dessert that was planned was probably something my kids wouldn't eat, we brought a dessert as well. We just didn't announce that we were also bringing dessert.

 

I often use the excuse of "we'll bring something the kids can help to make" because it's hard for the hostess to answer back, "No, we don't want them to contribute!" And that way, I know that there will be SOMETHING my family will like. And my kids enjoy contributing.

 

BTW, I don't think your original response was snarky. Try to be cheerful, and remember that it's only one day, and it will be over with by this time next week.

[jujsky]

Is your cousin's wife named Marney? The Thanksgiving Letter

 

I think your other Aunt is trying to set the tone for everyone (grimly cheerful, forge on), so I would support her with that as far as possible.

 

You weren't rude.

 

:lol: The Thanksgiving Letter was my first thought too!

 

OP, I think you made reasonable suggestions. I think it's sad that cousin's wife is trying to micromanage dinner instead of saying, "I'm bringing X. What does everyone else want to bring?" Or making a generic list (veggie side dish, potato side dish, dessert, etc.) and asking everyone to select one. We do sort of a combination of that in my family.

[amey311]

I read the first post and thought everything was fine. I assumed that there had been some "off-list" discussion and that Coordinator was sending a mass mailing letting everyone know what had occurred in the individual conversations. If she posts a list of what everyone has said they'll bring, then nobody has to wonder "hey - i wonder if there'll be salad or something. maybe I should just bring one" or whatever.

 

Is there a chance that Coordinator comes from a family that does things with a higher level of organization than your family normally uses? Maybe there have been some conversations of "oh, I'll bring whatever" or "I'll bring what I usually do" or "you can tell me what to bring later" and this person is feeling a bit.... out of control. I agree with Danestress that some families would find this kind of Coordination a good thing. It means you don't end up with 4 bowls of potatoes and no vegetable.

 

Generally speaking these lists don't mean "BRING ONLY THIS AND NOTHING ELSE!" so if your family doesn't like pumpkin pie, why can't you bring apple? In this case it DOES mean "We probably don't need another variation of sweet potatoes."

 

Lots of times it's not the list or even the pre-event adjustments that's the problem, it's how things are handled at the actual event. If that person shows up with all white rolls, does Coordinator just smile and say, "So great to see you! Let's find a basket for those" or "where are the wheat ones? i gave you a list" with the follow up email with whole wheat roll recipes "so Roll Person will be prepared next year." When you bring an additional pie is it "you brought an apple pie! excellent - now i can try two kinds of pie at dessert" or "I don't know where we're going to put this - you were only supposed to bring sweet potatoes. why did you bring this pie if ABC was already bringing pumpkin?"

 

I get the impression that you don't like this person to start with and the whole holiday thing is just making all of her communications come thru in BOLD and ITALICS and RUDE or something. I was trying to assume positive intent.

[unsinkable]

RE: Emily and the salad -- I started a thread last year b/c I was so p!ssed that my SIL told me to bring dressings -plural- with my salad! I thought that it was pretty presumptuous to tell to bring something that everyone has in their frig...and more than one, to add insult to injury.

 

It was quite a lively thread and it did open my eyes that it might not have been such an unreasonable request.

 

:lol:

[Snickerdoodle]

Am I the only one who would bring something different that what I was assigned to bring?

[Snickerdoodle]

Oh bless your heart, I thought you wanted me to bring deviled eggs.

[funschooler5]

Is your cousin's wife named Marney? The Thanksgiving Letter

 

I think your other Aunt is trying to set the tone for everyone (grimly cheerful, forge on), so I would support her with that as far as possible.

 

You weren't rude.

 

 

:lol::lol:

 

I was just going to post that! :lol:

 

OP, I don't think you were rude at all.

[Dustybug]

 

When we've just done it with family, we bring whatever we want and clear it with each other to avoid overlap.

 

This is what we do for every holiday/gathering and there are a LOT of them on DH's side of the family. Sometimes, something specific is requested from someone who had made it previously and it was well enjoyed. My MIL always wants me to bring a cheesecake, no matter the occasion because she loves my cheesecake. For Christmas, she asked me to bring a Spinach Artichoke Dip, but other than that I'm free to bring whatever I want. We do try to talk to each other so that we don't have a bunch of the same thing, but even then it doesn't always work. Last Christmas we have FIVE cheesecakes. I had made three and then my SIL made two and I didn't know she was planning on making any. They were all different flavors (mine were better:tongue_smilie:).

 

I would probably just bring what I wanted anyway, and tell her so. My DH is VERY picky and I would want there to be something that he would actually eat there.

[QuirkyKapers]

I didn't think the response was snarky. Did you really agree to bring extra food in addtion to what was assigned? I got the impression your aunt said to just bring your yummy maple sweet potatoes? We all bring things but we aren't assigned anything.

[5kidsforME]

Apparently she has personally spoken to each family member prior to the email, I have no idea what transpired except with my sister. I do suspect that she led people to bring what she wanted, not what they wanted to make.

 

I was basically told you'll be bringing potatoes like you did last year. I do make them for holidays but it's a pain to peal enough potatoes for 20+ people.

 

Sister did it right, she said I'll bring this it was really good. I don't happen to like the stuffing she makes, however I know everyone else will.

 

Erin, I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but IMO, your email sounded bossier than the original email from Lisa. All you were asked to bring was mashed potatoes. In fact before I realized you were Erin, I thought to myself, wow Erin got off easy! :lol:

 

I am always the masher of potatoes at family gatherings. That is the easiest job there is!!!! I make other things as well, but the mashed potatoes, pffft easy peasy.

Edited December 19, 2011 by Momto4kids

[Rosie_0801]

Am I the only one who would bring something different that what I was assigned to bring?

 

No. I'd be co-operative! I'd say "I don't want to bring that. I'll bring X," rather than acting like a rebellious, secretive teenager and not informing her. :tongue_smilie:

 

Then I'd get on the phone to Granny and tell her how disappointed I'll be if she doesn't bring the things I know she wants to bring. :D

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with a family manager, as long as they are reasonable and don't tell people off for not doing as they were told. If no one takes charge, people tend to mill around not doing anything.

 

I dunno. In our family, people with manners will ask the hostess what to bring and if she says "nothing" they bring drinks.

 

Rosie

[anotherbrother]

Erin, I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but IMO, your email sounded bossier than the original email from Lisa. All you were asked to bring was mashed potatoes. In fact before I realized you were Erin, I thought to myself, wow Erin got off easy! :lol:

 

I am always the masher of potatoes at family gatherings. That is the easiest job there is!!!! I make other things as well, but the mashed potatoes, pffft easy peasy.

 

I was concernced that my response to the original email was possibly more direct ie: B**CHY than it needed to be. It wasn't intended to be bossy, but I was irritated when I responded.

[anotherbrother]

The issue was never about me bringing food or not, more that I didn't appreciate her taking over the show.

 

I am more than happy to bring extra food. I see no reason not to contribute. However, I am perfectly capable of choosing what I want to contribute.

 

It's not as if I've ever showed up empty handed when asked to bring something. On the contrary, I was at my aunt's house on Friday night and was the only person to bring a little extra treat. My aunt said that it was very appreciated.

[anotherbrother]

No. I'd be co-operative! I'd say "I don't want to bring that. I'll bring X," rather than acting like a rebellious, secretive teenager and not informing her. :tongue_smilie:

 

Then I'd get on the phone to Granny and tell her how disappointed I'll be if she doesn't bring the things I know she wants to bring. :D

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with a family manager, as long as they are reasonable and don't tell people off for not doing as they were told. If no one takes charge, people tend to mill around not doing anything.

 

I dunno. In our family, people with manners will ask the hostess what to bring and if she says "nothing" they bring drinks.

 

Rosie

 

Interestingly enough my sister is going to make the traditional family dessert that my grandmother always makes. (Mentioned in a later email.)

 

The opposite would probably happen in terms of people doing nothing. The rest of the family is more than happy to step up to the plate and bring whatever is necessary.

[Danestress]

Every family is different. At a certain point, we retire older ladies from having to do a lot of cooking. It seems like they get more stressed an anxious about it, their feet hurt, they complain to the select few. I just wonder if maybe cousin's wife knows Grandma is old and tired and needs a break but Grandma says one thing to her and something else to the rest of the family. My Mom is that way. She will say, "It's no problem, it's no problem, it's no problem" and then tell me, "I"m so tired. I'm so stressed, I wish there were a pill we could all take instead of having to eat."

[anotherbrother]

Another interesting tidbit that I discovered while talking to my Aunt today. She had no idea that she was providing brunch for the entire family. She hadn't checked her email yet, and nobody asked her before they assumed she would do it.

 

I played the game a little and offered to do anything extra she might need to help prepare the house ahead of time. She's very busy taking care of her three grandchildren on a more than full time basis. The offer was genuine, I love my aunt and would be happy to help if she needed it.

[anotherbrother]

Every family is different. At a certain point, we retire older ladies from having to do a lot of cooking. It seems like they get more stressed an anxious about it, their feet hurt, they complain to the select few. I just wonder if maybe cousin's wife knows Grandma is old and tired and needs a break but Grandma says one thing to her and something else to the rest of the family. My Mom is that way. She will say, "It's no problem, it's no problem, it's no problem" and then tell me, "I"m so tired. I'm so stressed, I wish there were a pill we could all take instead of having to eat."

 

You are indeed right. My grandmother acknowledge that this was too much for her. She did state that she would like to do the holiday this one last year.

 

Everybody will be happier at my aunt's house, but I'm sure my grandmother is sad to have been told in such an abrupt manner.

[5kidsforME]

Another interesting tidbit that I discovered while talking to my Aunt today. She had no idea that she was providing brunch for the entire family. She hadn't checked her email yet, and nobody asked her before they assumed she would do it.

 

I played the game a little and offered to do anything extra she might need to help prepare the house ahead of time. She's very busy taking care of her three grandchildren on a more than full time basis. The offer was genuine, I love my aunt and would be happy to help if she needed it.

 

:confused: What does that mean?

[Rosie_0801]

Everybody will be happier at my aunt's house, but I'm sure my grandmother is sad to have been told in such an abrupt manner.

 

Give her a shandy and she'll be ok. Or maybe that's just my grandmother :001_huh::lol:

 

Rosie

[Jean in Newcastle]

You are indeed right. My grandmother acknowledge that this was too much for her. She did state that she would like to do the holiday this one last year.

 

Everybody will be happier at my aunt's house, but I'm sure my grandmother is sad to have been told in such an abrupt manner.

 

You are upset because you think that your cousin(?) is assuming things and taking over. And yet, your language in your posts is the language of assumption. My parents are in their late 80's and early 90's (which is the age of many people's grandparents) and they can stand up for themselves. Or if they don't, it really is no different than when a younger person doesn't stand up for themself but then complains about it on the side. I would stop playing the game (which appears to be a passive-aggressive one). I would be clear about what I was willing to do or not willing to do. I would stop assuming. If you are really concerned about what your grandmother thinks about this, I would ask her and then I would suggest that she lets her feelings be known. I would not get in the middle. If someone has an allergy, they should be making their needs known and making preparations for making allergy free food if absolutely necessary. That's what I've had to do re. my own family's allergies.

[5kidsforME]

You are upset because you think that your cousin(?) is assuming things and taking over. And yet, your language in your posts is the language of assumption. My parents are in their late 80's and early 90's (which is the age of many people's grandparents) and they can stand up for themselves. Or if they don't, it really is no different than when a younger person doesn't stand up for themself but then complains about it on the side. I would stop playing the game (which appears to be a passive-aggressive one). I would be clear about what I was willing to do or not willing to do. I would stop assuming. If you are really concerned about what your grandmother thinks about this, I would ask her and then I would suggest that she lets her feelings be known. I would not get in the middle. If someone has an allergy, they should be making their needs known and making preparations for making allergy free food if absolutely necessary. That's what I've had to do re. my own family's allergies.

 

 

 

:iagree:

[annandatje]

Erin, I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but IMO, your email sounded bossier than the original email from Lisa. All you were asked to bring was mashed potatoes. In fact before I realized you were Erin, I thought to myself, wow Erin got off easy! :lol:

 

I am always the masher of potatoes at family gatherings. That is the easiest job there is!!!! I make other things as well, but the mashed potatoes, pffft easy peasy.

 

:iagree:

[anotherbrother]

You are upset because you think that your cousin(?) is assuming things and taking over. And yet, your language in your posts is the language of assumption. My parents are in their late 80's and early 90's (which is the age of many people's grandparents) and they can stand up for themselves. Or if they don't, it really is no different than when a younger person doesn't stand up for themself but then complains about it on the side. I would stop playing the game (which appears to be a passive-aggressive one). I would be clear about what I was willing to do or not willing to do. I would stop assuming. If you are really concerned about what your grandmother thinks about this, I would ask her and then I would suggest that she lets her feelings be known. I would not get in the middle. If someone has an allergy, they should be making their needs known and making preparations for making allergy free food if absolutely necessary. That's what I've had to do re. my own family's allergies.

 

I'm quite sure I'm not assuming anything. I am also positive that my grandmother would not stand up for herself. She is also not complaining about it. I just felt sad for her, and I wouldn't have done the same in this situation.

 

What I don't know is how everyone else feels about being told what to do. I do know how I feel, and I don't care for it. One person should not assume what 20 other people want or like.

 

I posted here, because I didn't want to vent those feelings to actual family members. Negotiating that many people is indeed a game of sorts.

[LeslieAnneLevine]

anotherbrother,

I know it's better not to sweat the small stuff, etc., but I would be bugged, too. I'm more than happy to know what category of dish is needed and to fill that need, or to be asked (not told, asked) to bring my famous cheese puffs or potatoes au gratin, but I would bristle at being assigned something in a group email.

[livingnlearning]

Maybe people in your family should stop "feeling" and start talking! Maybe SIL is just stepping up b/c everyone is putting on a passive front and she thinks it will be appreciated?

 

I assume she's not going to make you follow her plan at gunpoint, what's wrong with "hey you're awesome for stepping forward to organize this, let's tweak this blueprint and make it perfect for everyone!"