Moxie Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 There are three sisters. Sister 1 is expecting her 5th child. Sister 2 had a second trimester miscarriage last Christmas and is now 30 weeks pregnant. Everything is fine but she can't travel. Sister 3 had a second trimester miscarriage a few months ago. All three were due within a month of each other. They all live hours apart. Sister 1 and some aunts would like to throw a shower for sister 2 but have no idea how to do this without really hurting sister 3 who is still very much dealing with her grief. Added in the travel restrictions for sister 2 and they are stuck for ideas. WWYD? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetbasil Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I would have the shower near sister #2. I also would contact sister #3 in advance and let her know about it, and make sure that you tell her how much you love her and will support any choice she makes about attending or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Does sister #2 have other children? Does she really need stuff? I don't know what I'd do. I found out I was pregnant with #2 just after my sister had gone through several unsuccessful fertility treatments. We did not have a shower for #2. Just didn't want to do that to my sister. If #2 really needs a shower, I would definitely talk it over with sister #3 first before you even plan anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I would have the shower near sister #2. I also would contact sister #3 in advance and let her know about it, and make sure that you tell her how much you love her and will support any choice she makes about attending or not. :iagree: except, if *I* were in this situation, then I would ask sisters 1 & 2 if they would like a joint shower. I know some people don't do showers for later babies, but I am not one of those people. Sister 3 might be hurt, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't want to share in her sister's happiness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coffeegal Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I would have the shower near sister #2. I also would contact sister #3 in advance and let her know about it, and make sure that you tell her how much you love her and will support any choice she makes about attending or not. :iagree: Would sending flowers to #3 be appropriate? A small token of remembrance? :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Whatever you do about the shower, I'd probably send something to sister 3 to acknowledge the baby. Perhaps an angel ornament or something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 :iagree: except, if *I* were in this situation, then I would ask sisters 1 & 2 if they would like a joint shower. I know some people don't do showers for later babies, but I am not one of those people. Sister 3 might be hurt, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't want to share in her sister's happiness. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted December 13, 2011 Author Share Posted December 13, 2011 To answer some questions. I'm sister #1. Lordy, I do not need any more baby stuff! Unless someone wants to gift me a spare room... Sister #2 and #3 both lost their first babies. This is the first surviving child for #2. Having the shower near #2 is hard because she lives hours away from everyone. We can't ask people to drive 4 hours for a baby shower. Would a mail order shower be tacky?? Only send "invitations" to close family who understand the situation?? I suggested we wait until after the baby is born to have the shower but sister #2 doesn't want to expose baby to that many germs and I'll be having a baby just a few weeks after her and I'm not excited to drive 8 hours with a newborn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I think you might want to give people a chance to drive the 4 hours. Some people might want to. Maybe it could even be a group road tip kind of thing. Even if only a few people went, they could take gifts from people who couldn't make it. Don't make any assumptions for Sis #3. Of course she's grieving. But it doesn't mean that she won't want to celebrate her new niece/nephew. (Speaking as someone who lost a baby a month before a niece was born.) And don't forget that Sis #2 is grieving as she's celebrating. Having another baby doesn't erase the pain of losing the first. I LOVE the idea of the angel ornament or something. Maybe you could have a special time separate from the shower to just be together as sisters and mourn the children that are gone. I think it would be beautiful to have something to remember both lost children by. (Something with two angels holding hands or something......) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murmer Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Sister #2 needs to talk with sister #3 and find out how if she would even like an invite. Then make it very very shouted from the rooftops clear that regardless of if #3 comes or not everyone loves her and will not think anything of not coming. Then tell anyone else who asks why #3 is not there say it was too far of a drive on a bad day for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennsmile Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Why not plan a shower post baby. Then everybody can hold baby and love on the new mom. Travel wouldn't be as big of an issue. I love the ornament idea. Another idea might be to make 3 matching baby quilts that you can all tie at the shower. One for your baby, one for your sister due in Feb and one for a future neice/nephew for sister number 3. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess Peach Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I would get together with the aunts and throw the shower for sister #2 where she lives. I would call/visit sister #3 and talk with her about it beforehand. It may soften the blow, if there is one. I also like the idea of remembering #3's baby somehow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
msrift Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I'd have the shower near sister #2, and tell sister #3 about it beforehand. The fact that it is a drive gives her the perfect out if she doesn't think she can handle it. I'm sure the possibility of a shower has already crossed #3's mind so she's probably already steeling herself for the event. After my losses, it wasn't the known baby related things that got to me, because I could prepare myself for those. It was the unexpected ones that left me in tears. Personally, I would not have appreciated a remembrance of my lost child at the shower. I'm fairly certain that would have left me a sobbing mess in the corner of the room. Just seeing it would be emotional for me, and as a private person, I prefer to do my grieving in private. But, an angel ornament (perhaps included with the shower invitation along with a note about how you understand how hard this must be for her) given ahead of time would have been perfect. Knowing that my sisters were thinking of me would be enough for me and hopefully allow me to happily join in the celebration of a new niece or nephew. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Personally, I would not have appreciated a remembrance of my lost child at the shower. I'm fairly certain that would have left me a sobbing mess in the corner of the room. Just seeing it would be emotional for me, and as a private person, I prefer to do my grieving in private. . :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I soooo agree with this and wanted to post in case my first post was misunderstood. I think it would be nice to do something with just the sisters before or after or whenever (not AT the shower) but it should be known in advance- it's not the kind of thing you want to spring on someone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 To answer some questions. I'm sister #1. Lordy, I do not need any more baby stuff! Unless someone wants to gift me a spare room... Sister #2 and #3 both lost their first babies. This is the first surviving child for #2. Having the shower near #2 is hard because she lives hours away from everyone. We can't ask people to drive 4 hours for a baby shower. Would a mail order shower be tacky?? Only send "invitations" to close family who understand the situation?? I suggested we wait until after the baby is born to have the shower but sister #2 doesn't want to expose baby to that many germs and I'll be having a baby just a few weeks after her and I'm not excited to drive 8 hours with a newborn. I like the 'mail order' idea. If she can register someplace online that will ship gifts directly to her that would be great! The invites could be straight-forward...she needs stuff but a get together is impossible...let's bless her anyway! It would be wonderful for her to be able to deal with gifts and getting prepared bit by bit. Since this is unconventional, I think your sister should be prepared to send thank yous immediately...like the day each gift arrives. Also at the same time she could prepare an envelope and be ready to send a birth announcement and a great photo of the baby to everyone who sent a gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Why not plan a shower post baby. Then everybody can hold baby and love on the new mom. Travel wouldn't be as big of an issue. I really like this idea too. Especially since these people may not get a chance to meet baby for a long while otherwise. I understand 1st time mom germ-o-phobia but would it be just adults or kids too? Or just invite people to travel to the shower (near sister #2) and it's in their hands where they take it from there. The mail order thing isn't nearly as fun IMHO as getting everyone together and I personally wouldn't be wild getting an invite like that. I'd definitely tell sister #3 that she can do whatever she wants and shouldn't feel obligated to show up or participate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennsmile Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I really like this idea too. Especially since these people may not get a chance to meet baby for a long while otherwise. I understand 1st time mom germ-o-phobia but would it be just adults or kids too? Or just invite people to travel to the shower (near sister #2) and it's in their hands where they take it from there. The mail order thing isn't nearly as fun IMHO as getting everyone together and I personally wouldn't be wild getting an invite like that. I'd definitely tell sister #3 that she can do whatever she wants and shouldn't feel obligated to show up or participate. I would plan adults only, small gathering, close family. Have a big bottle of germx or other hand sanitizer. My last shower was post baby. Really only a few people held the baby mostly just one other person. But we had a nice luncheon and did gifts. I think my guy was almost 6 weeks old by the time he got his shower. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennsmile Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Another thought is to have the shower 1/2 way between is there a town 2 hours from each of you where you could host the party? Like a tea room or something? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Another thought on the mail order "shower", is just call those people individually you were going to invite and explain the situation and why you can't have a real, in person shower. And that you can pass on registry information if they are interested. I'd be much more comfortable with getting a personal phone call or even a personal e-mail with that info than getting or sending an invite for no event but do send a gift? It really depends on the dynamics of the group in question. I know my aunts or SILs would not take kindly to an invitation like that out of the blue. I will also say my first pregnancy was high risk until the last day. My SIL wanted to do a shower, but I was really uncomfortable having a shower when I felt the outcome of my pregnancy was so unknown and I was also really uncomfortable physically (I had a 3 lb fibroid). I offered to have one AFTER baby was born with the baby. SIL did not like that idea. :001_huh:Anyway - almost everyone who would have attended the shower asked around for registry info and sent us something off our registry anyway, so she should definitely register! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I would either have the shower before the baby near Sister #2 or have it post baby. I'm a pediatrician and friends had a post-baby shower for me for my 3rd. I didn't worry about the germs (I also take the babies out early anyway.) Use common sense, don't let everyone hold the baby. Just ooh and aah from a far. Or do a shower much later, at a time when is convenient to everyone and when you might be getting together anyway...Easter, some other holiday, etc. There are always needs that come up. I think of a shower as more of a celebration/party and not just about the gifts. If I got an invitation for a "mail-order" one I think it would seem like just about gifts, especially if it was for someone who I would be likely to send a gift to anyway (like a relative). It's also fine not to do a shower but to do something else that celebrates the new baby. Friends of my Mom's made her a "grandma quilt" when my oldest was born where they each made a square. Maybe think non-traditional. If Sister #2 is on bedrest maybe organize care packages with movies/books/magazines, etc. One of the best presents I got in the hospital was a stack of sleazy magazines (People, Us, etc). My SIL had tied each one with a ribbon and told me to open one a day. Great for post-partum fuzzy brain reading. Or if she doesn't have someone near her organizing post-baby meals maybe you could help organize that. My husband's office has done meal showers before...that's hard to do from far away but maybe you could organize a group that will each pay for a delivery meal for them for the first couple of weeks. I think you got good advice about Sister #3. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Wow, traditions really vary from family to family. Why I think the 'shower by mail' would make sense is because when I had my baby shower I received vital items that were needed for when the baby arrived. A post birth shower would've been too late! Also, our family has always treated 'showers' as a time to shower the new parents with gifts and good wishes...which works from afar. I'm posting not to argue but to point out that traditions and reasoning behind these traditions really vary from family to family. It's nice the op can get a variety of opinions! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 :iagree: except, if *I* were in this situation, then I would ask sisters 1 & 2 if they would like a joint shower. I know some people don't do showers for later babies, but I am not one of those people. Sister 3 might be hurt, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't want to share in her sister's happiness. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennsmile Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Wow, traditions really vary from family to family. Why I think the 'shower by mail' would make sense is because when I had my baby shower I received vital items that were needed for when the baby arrived. A post birth shower would've been too late! Also, our family has always treated 'showers' as a time to shower the new parents with gifts and good wishes...which works from afar. I'm posting not to argue but to point out that traditions and reasoning behind these traditions really vary from family to family. It's nice the op can get a variety of opinions! My post baby showers worked because we don't find out gender. I cloth diaper and my mom made sure I got those for baby number 1. I also breastfeed so no bottles, formula or pacifiers here. Showers gifts were mostly cute outfits, blankets, burpcloths. I already had carseat, stroller ect. Even with number 1 which I had before mostly outfits, disposable diapers and blankets. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5kidsforME Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Years ago we had a video shower for my cousin. She lived 12 hours away and they were poor as church mice and they had very few friends. I believe her husband was in grad school. We had a shower, with cake, and snacks. Everyone that was invited brought their gift and wrapping. My other cousin videotaped and we would wrap our gift and either explain it or just say something little about the recipient. Then my cousin boxed it all up and shipped it. My cousin that received it watched the video as she unwrapped all the gifts. It was neat! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I would have the shower near sister #2. I also would contact sister #3 in advance and let her know about it, and make sure that you tell her how much you love her and will support any choice she makes about attending or not. :iagree: Sister #2 is expecting a child - and that child deserves the hoopla of celebration for its arrival. If that means a restaurant where sister #2 lives, go that route. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I don't really see *necessity* of a baby shower, especially when it involves travel. Send gifts and cards and call the new mom and ooh and aah over pictures. An individual 1-2 day visit from each aunt for one on one time, help with laundry, cooking, cleaning might be much more appreciated. You could also fill the freezer with meals they like. Unless sister#2 really WANTS a shower, I would find another way to celebrate and help out with the new baby. A shower may be traditional for some families but it is not the only way. If I were sister#3, I would really appreciate not having to go through that right now. Everyone is different in their grieving process, but I've been in a similar situation and it is still painful years later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Why not plan a shower post baby. Then everybody can hold baby and love on the new mom. Travel wouldn't be as big of an issue. I love the ornament idea. Another idea might be to make 3 matching baby quilts that you can all tie at the shower. One for your baby, one for your sister due in Feb and one for a future neice/nephew for sister number 3.[/QUOTE] I know you mean well, but this could be a really bad idea. If sister #3 is never able to have a child, this would be really painful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennsmile Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 Why not plan a shower post baby. Then everybody can hold baby and love on the new mom. Travel wouldn't be as big of an issue. I love the ornament idea. Another idea might be to make 3 matching baby quilts that you can all tie at the shower. One for your baby, one for your sister due in Feb and one for a future neice/nephew for sister number 3.[/QUOTE] I know you mean well, but this could be a really bad idea. If sister #3 is never able to have a child, this would be really painful. You are right, it would completely depend on the person. I have a blanket that was given to my first which I lost that I have used with my others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SebastianCat Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 Will sister #2 be having a shower locally with friends who live locally? If so, you could coordinate your gifts and have them sent so she would get them at that shower. Years ago we had a video shower for my cousin. She lived 12 hours away and they were poor as church mice and they had very few friends. I believe her husband was in grad school. We had a shower, with cake, and snacks. Everyone that was invited brought their gift and wrapping. My other cousin videotaped and we would wrap our gift and either explain it or just say something little about the recipient. Then my cousin boxed it all up and shipped it. My cousin that received it watched the video as she unwrapped all the gifts. It was neat! I love this idea! It also provides a keepsake for the new mom to cherish, if everyone who comes to the shower gets to tell a little about why they chose their gift, or gives the new mom some words of wisdom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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