BigMamaBird Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 I've known my MIL for 17 years and the whole time have been aware that she drinks too much. I don't want to go into too much detail, but over the last few years it has become much more of an issue, even interfering with employment and the safety of Grandchildren. Both my SILs called my Dh today and the kids and their spouses are meeting this weekend to discuss some sort of intervention. I H.A.T.E. confrontation, but I love my MIL. I have a good relationship with her, I've known her a huge part of my life. But I'm also the only DIL and there just seems to be something inherent in the DIL/MIL relationship that breeds friction. So my question is, how involved should I be in this. My gut says, "Volunteer to be childcare and keep your nose out of it!!!" But I really do care about her and want to be involved if that will help. Is there a proper way to go about this? Boy, this should make Christmas fun. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 "Volunteer to be childcare and keep your nose out of it!!!" That's what I'd do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 I've known my MIL for 17 years and the whole time have been aware that she drinks too much. I don't want to go into too much detail, but over the last few years it has become much more of an issue, even interfering with employment and the safety of Grandchildren. Both my SILs called my Dh today and the kids and their spouses are meeting this weekend to discuss some sort of intervention. I H.A.T.E. confrontation, but I love my MIL. I have a good relationship with her, I've known her a huge part of my life. But I'm also the only DIL and there just seems to be something inherent in the DIL/MIL relationship that breeds friction. So my question is, how involved should I be in this. My gut says, "Volunteer to be childcare and keep your nose out of it!!!" But I really do care about her and want to be involved if that will help. Is there a proper way to go about this? Boy, this should make Christmas fun. :glare: Go with your gut. I, for one, will NEVER be involved with an intervention again. I wish I had listened to my gut when it was telling me the intervention I was a part of was all wrong. My relative ended up going to rehab but before he left, he told everyone in the room (about 20 people) that he forgave them but then he pointed at me and said, "YOU! I will never forgive." I still don't understand why I was singled out but I know our relationship has never been the same. I felt like I was along for the ride. I didn't organize it, I didn't read my letter, I didn't say anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 Are the BILs going to be there? If so, I would go to present a united front. If she balks and you're not there, could she turn around and say that YOU think help is a bad idea? I would go, support, and only speak if necessary. Best of luck. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nukeswife Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 My SILs and I went through this earlier this spring. We all stayed out of the actual meeting with MIL. We gave our spouses our input when asked about the situation (how things looked from our perspective etc) because like you said being the "DIL" could be seen as you just trying to start trouble. In my family this has been a long standing issue and this was the 3rd time the boys had tried to do something about their mom's problem. It's become more urgent to them now that we all have kids (many of them under the age of 5). The one thing we all did agree on was that if MIL didn't want to do anything about the problem we would step in to be the bad guys about her not seeing the grandkids. My MIL was pretty indifferent about the situation, said she didn't think she really had a problem and didn't want to stop drinking, but said she would try to cut back. It was then that I as the least liked DIL stepped in to say that if that was her decision that I would then have no problem making sure my children were never left alone with her and would also make sure to remove any children, mine or BIL/SILs if I felt she was getting out of hand while we were there. Yes it's made me the bad guy, but I was ok with that since I know she doesn't like me much to begin with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 Honestly, I'd offer child care and let her kids handle it. I've found that inlaws, no matter how close they are/were, tend to get hung out to dry and blamed for stuff, just by their mere presence. Easier to fixate on an inlaw than their own kid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 We tried it with my mom.... I think she was too chemically addicted by that point for it to make any kind of difference. She denied everything, and it was horrible. It was necesarry, but horrible. I really think the WHOLE family needs to show a united front. I personally think you should go.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 If "they" do this, and I don't necessarily recommend it, please insist on having a professional present, a place the person can GO for help, and firm boundaries for non compliance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 I'd go with my gut too, and a professional. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 I think her own children should be the ones driving and staging it. I would definitely choose the childcare option there or other more back stage kind of ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 Be really careful to understand what the intervention is going to be like. Is everyone going to yell and shame MIL? Are they going to talk gently and back down? Are they going to be assertive and firm? What about the leader? Is it someone you are comfortable with, who will take the lead but also be responsive to the family? It can be really tempting to just turn this over to your professional, but I don't think that that is completely responsible, and interventions do vary a lot in 'tone' and in effectiveness. Remember, this is kind of an extreme process. You have to be able to picture it to truly be of help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 :grouphug: have any of you seen a professional to ask what the most effective thing to do might be? and if this is it (and it may or may not be), ways to do it so that it is more likely to be effective than not? mucking around with someone else's life is a delicate thing, and someone else's life with an addicted brain even more of a delicate thing..... :grouphug: ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 So my question is, how involved should I be in this. My gut says, "Volunteer to be childcare and keep your nose out of it!!!" But I really do care about her and want to be involved if that will help. Is there a proper way to go about this? Boy, this should make Christmas fun. :glare: I would go with your gut. Offer childcare. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 Being childcare is being supportive and involved. You've gotten good advice on talking to a professional etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 I highly recommend using someone trained in interventions who is familiar with local resources. Three people should be interviewed. I was behind one some years back and have no regrets although the individual was in complete denial and refused treatment. Ultimately the state got involved and in time the person was institutionalized. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ohdanigirl Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 From personal experience, I think it is best that the children deal with it. Spouses should be supportive in the background. Danielle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 Stay as far away from it as possible and send your DH some links on the success / failure rate of interventions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livingnlearning Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 I wouldn't touch that with an 90 foot pole. Do childcare and if the whole things goes well, or even if it doesn't, just tell her you love her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
akmommy Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 I think your gut is right. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
akmommy Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 Honestly, I'd offer child care and let her kids handle it. I've found that inlaws, no matter how close they are/were, tend to get hung out to dry and blamed for stuff, just by their mere presence. Easier to fixate on an inlaw than their own kid. :iagree: wise words. Been there, done that, have the T-shirt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 If "they" do this, and I don't necessarily recommend it, please insist on having a professional present, a place the person can GO for help, and firm boundaries for non compliance. :iagree: Completely. Your best job during all of this is childcare, as your gut says. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMamaBird Posted December 1, 2011 Author Share Posted December 1, 2011 So, what I'm hearing a lot of you say, is to find a professional to help before even attempting something. When the siblings talk on Saturday, should I suggest they got to some AlAnnon meetings before approaching this with their Mom? One of the sisters is easily annoyed by and highly antagonistic to MIL and I can see this blowing up between the two of them real fast and I don't want that. A professional sounds like a very good idea. I'm also glad that staying in the background sounds good to most of you. I generally trust my instincts, but I don't want to be a wimp either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 So, what I'm hearing a lot of you say, is to find a professional to help before even attempting something. When the siblings talk on Saturday, should I suggest they got to some AlAnnon meetings before approaching this with their Mom? One of the sisters is easily annoyed by and highly antagonistic to MIL and I can see this blowing up between the two of them real fast and I don't want that. A professional sounds like a very good idea. I'm also glad that staying in the background sounds good to most of you. I generally trust my instincts, but I don't want to be a wimp either. Al Anon will help the individuals build a better quality of life regardless of what mom does. The problem with interventions (well, one of the problems) is that the unwell/dysfunctional are trying to fix the sick. THEY ARE ALL SICK. Al Anon would help those affected by MIL's disease in learning how to disengage, and how to move on emotionally, functionally, and cognitively. Al Anon is for those affected; not the alcoholic. The chances of other people in the room also being alcoholic (assuming this is a biological family) are HUGE. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tigger Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 So my question is, how involved should I be in this. My gut says, "Volunteer to be childcare and keep your nose out of it!!!" But I really do care about her and want to be involved if that will help. I'd volunteer to babysit. Her children will always be loved by her, even post intervention, even if she's angry with them initially. You're in a more precarious position and the best thing you can do to help, IMO, is watch everyone's kids and give them the space to deal with their mother in what will be a very emotional experience for them. Then be there for your DH once he's done and needs to decompress. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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