Does this bother you? Should I be annoyed? Are you punctual?

[Kari C in SC]

My husband's family is like this. I've learned to deal with it and make a time allowance. If we agree on people coming at 4, I would be planning for at least 5 o'clock.

 

I drove me crazy in the past, now I just roll my eyes and go on. Some people don't have time perception or aren't willing to change their ways.

 

Yep, this is how I would probably be. My friends are known to run late and I will admit... I have been late to my OWN house before. We do a Friday get together for art or science, etc. My friends know to just go in and I will get there as soon as I can. Sometimes I get held up running errands.

 

Recently, I had a surprise party for my youngest. I requested everyone be there at a specific time and because they knew it was for a specific reason - they were all great and showed up. I guess in the realm of things - I don't let this get me to upset.

[Rhonda in TX]

I am one of those people that is annoyingly punctual. Always on time, if not 5 minutes early. I am usually the one waiting...it doesn't bother me if someone is 10 min. late or so, but after that it starts to bug me. :glare:

 

This is me. I tell people I'm chronically early. :) (For those bothered by early arrivals, I don't go in the house. I sit outside in my car until the right time.)

 

OP, this kind of thing would push me over the edge.

[BigMamaBird]

My dh was raised that if you aren't 5 minutes early, you are late. So that's how we roll. I have a flighty friend like that, and while I love her to pieces, she drives me crazy!

[justamouse]

Two hours is a bit late, but I like to be about 30 minutes late. That IS my punctual. Where I was raised, it's polite to give the hostess a bit of extra time, just in case. This still happens, and when I invite everyone over for the holidays, they'll all be a half hour later than the latest time I said.

 

If you were early to my house, I'd be annoyed. If you were punctual, I'd be mildly perturbed. At least be 10 minutes late.

[Bassoonaroo]

Confessing to not reading all replies...

 

I see coming really late to something where someone is counting on you being there as stealing time/business from that person. And it's bad to steal. If you see you are arriving late, let the hostess (or doctor or hairdresser) know! And when you arrive late, please apologize to the hostess!

 

My time (like all the moms here) is valuable. And I don't want to wait around for you...

 

It's just courteous to let folks know.

[Tiberia]

I'm punctual, but I lived for two years in a culture where 4 pm meant 5:30 or later. It was part of the culture there, so everybody knew about it and it was ok.

 

For Spokane, WA, USA, where I am now, I'd consider it rude to be that late. Not part of the culture here. If someone is like that, I'd likely tell them what time we'll eat and that they are very welcome to join us anytime that evening because we'd love to see them. I wouldn't wait for them to show to begin the party or the meal.

[Guest submarines]

Was she raised in a different culture? I've lived around people whose concepts of time were completely different from the "modern western" understanding. It was really difficult to adjust to, and I'm sure it was just as difficult for them.

 

OP, I'd be annoyed, that's for sure. But you seem to know this particular person well. Were you suspecting all along, based on her prior behaviour, that getting to your place on time would be difficult for her? If so, you practically set yourself up for being annoyed. In all honesty, I am very likely to do the same--time-related habits are quite ingrained.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

For dinner, I would expect people between 15 min-30 min after the agreed on time. I do not like people to arrive right on time for a meal.

 

If there is a difference in ethnic group between you and your guest, cultural differences could explain the time gap and the different perceptions as to what is an acceptable time to arrive. Arriving that late is not rude in some ethnic circles; rather it would be rude to be upset about it. I've seen it work out well when one person in a social group had different time standards for the rest of the group to specify an earlier time than they actually expected to meet up. Then no one was "late" and no one had to wait.

 

Also if your friend is ADDish at all, a lot of ADD people have major difficulty navigating time. Times don't stick in their heads, they forget to allow time for travel, etc.

 

:iagree: I am not bashing the punctual people, but this is very true. I used to get annoyed at late people.....then we moved to Central America where the national motto of the country we lived in seemed to be, "No problem, lady!" I would get 'red-in-the-face-angry' about workmen not showing up even the day they were supposed to, let alone on time.

 

Then I got over it. It was part of the culture that I could either deal with or fight against.

 

Then.....after we had children ADD really kicked in for me in a major way. Worse than being inattentive in grade school, middle school or high school is my complete inability to foresee travel time or time to get ready/get the kids out of the house for activities.

 

Last week I drove us all to the dentist and was stressed b/c it is a half-hour away and I only alloted about 15 minutes travel time. By the time we arrived I had a headache and my stomach was in knots knowing that I was inconveniencing others by my tardiness.

 

Then I found out that my appt was the next day. :001_huh:

 

Apparently, I can't read a watch OR a calendar properly. :glare:

 

I know that people are just saying how they feel, but it always makes me cringe when I read, "when someone is late they are saying that THEIR time is more valuable than yours". I can only speak for me, when I am tardy it is NOT about being disrespectful to the other person. It is about my inability to organize my time well. It's not about YOU not being important enough, it is about ME not being able to become better at this. If it were only about YOU then I would only be late for YOU, but I'm late for just about everyone.

 

I tell friends that I have two settings: early and late. I try to be on time/early, but it seems like such a crapshoot.

Edited October 9, 2011 by ThatCyndiGirl

[justamouse]

For dinner, I would expect people between 15 min-30 min after the agreed on time. I do not like people to arrive right on time for a meal.

 

If there is a difference in ethnic group between you and your guest, cultural differences could explain the time gap and the different perceptions as to what is an acceptable time to arrive. Arriving that late is not rude in some ethnic circles; rather it would be rude to be upset about it. I've seen it work out well when one person in a social group had different time standards for the rest of the group to specify an earlier time than they actually expected to meet up. Then no one was "late" and no one had to wait.

 

Also if your friend is ADDish at all, a lot of ADD people have major difficulty navigating time. Times don't stick in their heads, they forget to allow time for travel, etc.

 

:iagree:

[JulieH]

Two hours is a bit late, but I like to be about 30 minutes late. That IS my punctual. Where I was raised, it's polite to give the hostess a bit of extra time, just in case. This still happens, and when I invite everyone over for the holidays, they'll all be a half hour later than the latest time I said.

 

If you were early to my house, I'd be annoyed. If you were punctual, I'd be mildly perturbed. At least be 10 minutes late.

 

Now that wouldn't bother me. Around here, we call 10-15 minutes late "fashionably late" LOL

 

She did arrive..2 hours late.

 

She is our former housekeeper/nanny...affectionately and jokingly known as our "Alice" (Brady Bunch). She is brazilian and I think there may be a bit of a cultural thing. In her family and circle of brazilian friends from church, they just drop in on each other and have a good time. They party late into the night.

 

We had a nice dinner and she loved my cooking, which made me feel good because well, she cooked for me for 7 years.

 

It's just that we specifically firmed things up for 4pm. Yes, I would have been ticked if we said 7 and she didn't get here till 9pm!

 

When it comes to my in laws, there is just my father in law and sister in law (she is much younger and single and incredible rude in every way...she insults my food, texts at my table, sometimes just doesn't show up at all..she's in her 30s!!!!) I've gotten to the point of simply letting them know "we are eating at _____ ; feel free to come at _____" If I have dinner planned for 2 on a sunday, I'd have them come at 1 etc.

 

For the longest time, father in law would want us to wait until my sister in law and brother in law (now in Prague) arrived before we ate. But it got to the point where my kids were hungry and I was ready to cry having bent over backwards to make things nice for them and they were just plain rude and oblivious. I have since learned to just deal.

 

I'm glad the evening went well.

[SKL]

I am not a punctual person. I mean to be, but somehow I find myself running late all too often. Somehow I always underestimate how much time it will take me to do stuff. I try to give myself a cushion, but that isn't always enough.

 

I feel badly every time I'm so much as 1 minute late. If I'm going to be more than a few minutes late, I'll always let the person know and apologize. Rarely am I more than 10 or 15 minutes late.

 

What would bug me about this person you describe is that she doesn't seem to care if she's inconvenienced you or not.

 

That said, if she's often like this and is otherwise a good friend, you need to plan around it rather than let it ruin your day. Have plan A and plan B: Plan A is that she's an hour or more late, and plan B is that she - shock of shocks - shows up on time. So for example, plan dinner for loooooong after she's supposed to get there, but have the house clean and have snacks available at the official start time. Don't plan anything with her that is time-sensitive.

 

There used to be a joke in my family that if my mom really, really needed to be somewhere, they'd tell her the start time was a half hour before the actual time. Not sure if that ever actually happened. (The comment ticked my mom off - though there was truth behind it.) There was a time when I was just as bad with family stuff, but I've gotten a lot better.

[justamouse]

Now that wouldn't bother me. Around here, we call 10-15 minutes late "fashionably late" LOL

 

She did arrive..2 hours late.

 

She is our former housekeeper/nanny...affectionately and jokingly known as our "Alice" (Brady Bunch). She is brazilian and I think there may be a bit of a cultural thing. In her family and circle of brazilian friends from church, they just drop in on each other and have a good time. They party late into the night.

 

We had a nice dinner and she loved my cooking, which made me feel good because well, she cooked for me for 7 years.

 

It's just that we specifically firmed things up for 4pm. Yes, I would have been ticked if we said 7 and she didn't get here till 9pm!

 

When it comes to my in laws, there is just my father in law and sister in law (she is much younger and single and incredible rude in every way...she insults my food, texts at my table, sometimes just doesn't show up at all..she's in her 30s!!!!) I've gotten to the point of simply letting them know "we are eating at _____ ; feel free to come at _____" If I have dinner planned for 2 on a sunday, I'd have them come at 1 etc.

 

For the longest time, father in law would want us to wait until my sister in law and brother in law (now in Prague) arrived before we ate. But it got to the point where my kids were hungry and I was ready to cry having bent over backwards to make things nice for them and they were just plain rude and oblivious. I have since learned to just deal.

 

I'm glad the evening went well.

 

Ahhh she's Brazilian, nuff said. That's a whole nuther world. But I totally agree, two hours is a bit much.

 

Sometimes a general, "Well be eating at ___," is a good way to go.

 

Send her to my house, I'm craving some feijoada. ;)

[mommaduck]

It really depends upon the culture and the person. My husband's family is pretty flighty and I could never count on them to keep time amoung other things. We're in a Greek Church and people sometimes run on Greek Time (saying goodbye can take an hour also...but that's normal for my dh and I LOL!). Some areas of the world, things run slow and people show up when they show up regardless of appointments.

rs

However, other areas of the world you show up on time (midwest) or if you are five minutes early, then you are late (military). This is how I was raised and it took me years to relax about it. Even relaxed, I would be upset if someone showed up two hours after a nice meal was planned, unless there was a group of people and we were bbqing.

[cindergretta]

My extended family and social circle tend to be very "island time" oriented, as am I. We do things on an "ish" schedule - I'll be there around 2ish. "We'll start around 4ish." That kind of thing. Coming an hour before that or an hour after that is acceptable, in this family/friend circle.

 

That said, not *all* of our social events are within that circle. When I am doing something with people who are not family/extended family/close friends like family, I am punctual to within 10 minutes. I am usually not even 10 minutes late, but there are those times when it all goes sideways. But due to ADD, I tend to plan and plan and plan so nothing is left to chance, kwim?

 

However, if someone is late and I am on the receiving end of the "late," meh, I don't care so much. I'd rather people show late than early, if it is a more formal thing. If more than 20-30 minutes late, I will eat and feed my family and carry on. When they arrive, they will be warmly welcomed, served food, and things will carry on. I am totally Ok with that.

 

But many people aren't and they shouldn't have to be. Two hours late is extreme, but being that she is Brazilian, I would chalk it up to culture and try not to let it cause me stress. (Although I might think twice about the next invitation or invite her over for cake only at 5 and plan on actually having it at 7... :tongue_smilie: )

[JVA]

Yes, you should be upset. She was flighty- but also disrespectful.

 

Your dh should put his foot down with his family....he is allowing them to disrespect his wife. If they agree on a time, they should show up at that time. They're not dependable if they won't/can't.

 

People who continually do this are selfish. I have an aunt like this and we just don't see each other much because of this reason and others.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't put up with it. You make your boundaries and stick to them. Maybe you already have by not cooking for them. I'm sorry you've been hurt. It's painful to go to efforts and have them ignored.

 

...Oh, I read more and see you are dealing with latino-time. Yes, they're ALWAYS late. (I grew up in Central America) For those folks, tell them an earlier time (say and hour or 2!) and maybe you'll get a better result. I once knew a woman whose daughter was marrying a gringo. Mom was LATE and missed the wedding......good grief. Hubby made them start on time as most of the guests had arrived on time- even some latinos were on time!

Edited October 9, 2011 by JVA

[Bluegoat]

If she is Brazilian, that pretty much explains the issue. They don't even start cooking dinner there until 11o'clock at night, and two hours is probably a pretty normal lag time.

 

Reminds me of someone I know who lives in Africa, and he recently had to drive to the next country for a wedding. He got there a day late, and he was still very early.

 

Probably best just to plan around this.

[Danestress]

Even though I think she was rude, and this is no excuse, I do think it's so strange to invite someone to dinner at 4:00. I guess we do that sometimes for Thanksgiving, but any other day of the year, I would assume that if I went at 4:00, we would be killing two or three hours before actually eating anyway. So maybe she didn't think that her being late would cause you any trouble since she might not have thought you would really time dinner for that early of an hour.

 

But even so, she didn't honor the invitation.

[JulieH]

Even though I think she was rude, and this is no excuse, I do think it's so strange to invite someone to dinner at 4:00. I guess we do that sometimes for Thanksgiving, but any other day of the year, I would assume that if I went at 4:00, we would be killing two or three hours before actually eating anyway. So maybe she didn't think that her being late would cause you any trouble since she might not have thought you would really time dinner for that early of an hour.

 

But even so, she didn't honor the invitation.

 

Yes, it is a strange time..but it was more than just dinner. It was to come and visit with us and the kids. We intended to spend the afternoon and evening together. I wasn't going to actually serve dinner that early..though we do usually eat around 5:30.

[JulieH]

If she is Brazilian, that pretty much explains the issue. They don't even start cooking dinner there until 11o'clock at night, and two hours is probably a pretty normal lag time.

 

Reminds me of someone I know who lives in Africa, and he recently had to drive to the next country for a wedding. He got there a day late, and he was still very early.

 

Probably best just to plan around this.

 

I didn't realize ..totally ..that this is a Brazilian thing. Specifically because my OTHER sister in law (who is totally awesome and I love to pieces) is Brazilian and she's very very punctual and regimented and is always on time , confirms things etc.

 

It didn't ruin our day..at all. It wasn't even the mild inconvenience it could have caused *me*..but SHE said 4pm and we told the children 4pm and they adore her and waited for her all day and then when she calls at ten before 4 acting like she has no clue when she's supposed to be there and not even on the road..that I found annoying.

 

I'm flighty. I have severe add/adhd. But I don't really do that. (I have been known to forget or miss appointments though and felt horrible about it!)

 

Even when she worked for us, she was always late. (whole other issue...LOL)

 

I did expect she'd probably be late which is why I tried to contact her this morning to confirm.

[Happy]

I think late people are annoying.

 

Even if your friend is Brazilian, she lives here now. When in Rome....

[FO4UR]

I try to be punctual. If I cannot commit to a specific time, I communicate that.

 

I have no problems being flexible. I have big problems going out of my way to show a kindness, only to be taken advantage of...and robbing a person of their time is taking advantage...imho. Communication makes all the difference.

 

I am close to a few people who are habitually late. drives.me.nuts!!! I know there is no purposeful animosity there...but there is a sense of "Oh, what I was doing is more important than what you had planned." That's insulting, rude, hurtful.

[WTMCassandra]

I haven't read all of the responses, but I would NEVER in a million years do this to a hostess or stand for people doing it to me. I think you are right to be frustrated.

[Joyofsixreboot]

I tend to be on time. Ok, early actually. Lateness drives me nuts because it seems to indicate their time is more important than mine KWIM? That said I have friends who will be late. Every time. We usually agree on a time 1.5 hours before I actually want to go.

[Rhonda in TX]

Two hours is a bit late, but I like to be about 30 minutes late. That IS my punctual. Where I was raised, it's polite to give the hostess a bit of extra time, just in case. This still happens, and when I invite everyone over for the holidays, they'll all be a half hour later than the latest time I said.

 

If you were early to my house, I'd be annoyed. If you were punctual, I'd be mildly perturbed. At least be 10 minutes late.

 

This doesn't make any sense to me. If I have told somebody that an event starts at a certain time, why would I be bothered if they showed up at that time? It's my responsibility to either be ready by then, or be okay with continuing to get ready with guests there.

 

I'm afraid you'd be constantly mildly perturbed with me. Of course, if you told me, "The event starts at 5:00, but please don't come before 5:10", I would honor that. I would just like to be told. If you don't want me there at 5:00, for pete's sake don't tell me it starts then!!

[Love_to_Read]

For the OP, the only explanation I can think of is that perhaps she was waiting for you to call to confirm, like feeling insecure about how solid the plans were and then thought that perhaps since she didn't hear from you (if she missed the text) you weren't really up to having her or running on time or whatever, that perhaps you just talked about making a birthday fuss to be polite as opposed to really wanting to do all that.

 

It IS frustrating. But some of my extended family do operate that way...plans have to be confirmed over and over again, specific times are confirmed that day even when discussed before...it just doesn't shape up / solidify until then, sort of like island time...and then there is the politeness thing in which plans are made halfheartedly, and you aren't supposed to really accept an invitiation that would put someone to much trouble on your behalf...it's exhausting to sift through.

[2squared]

If you were early to my house, I'd be annoyed. If you were punctual, I'd be mildly perturbed. At least be 10 minutes late.

 

:iagree: Maybe I'm getting soft in my old age, but trying to get somewhere *exactly* on time is stressful. I see being early as rude (except to family functions when we go early to help get ready) since I expect the host/hostess is working to get ready until the last minute.

 

I have no need to add stress to my life. If we are inviting others over, I always use an XXish time. If we are going somewhere, I confirm with an XXish time. XXish time means within 15 min of the actual time. That way early people can arrive a little early and late people can arrive a little late. No one should be stressed about trying to be *exactly* on time for gathering with family and friends.

[DawnM]

I am treading lightly because last time I had this happen to us and posted on a homeschool message board I got accused of being selfish and thinking the world revolved around me :confused: To say I was upset at that poster is an understatement.

 

However, we have had this happen, but the said people didn't even bother showing up!

 

We planned a dinner for 5pm thinking they would show around 5:30pm or so. They called after 6pm to say they weren't going to make it! We had spent the day cleaning and I had a nice meal all prepared. Now, the wife was sick, but apparently she had been sick for days and so I would have expected them to call long before to let us know.

 

We are still friends with them, but I don't think it is polite in any society to just not show or to come hours late.

 

Dawn

[DawnM]

:iagree:

 

We had a very nice brunch at my house a couple of weeks ago for a friend coming into town. I planned it for 10am and I was sitting at the window at 10am because I was so excited to see them. They showed within 15 min of 10am. They had said they would only be able to stay for a couple of hours.....they stayed over 5. It was wonderful!

 

Dawn

 

This doesn't make any sense to me. If I have told somebody that an event starts at a certain time, why would I be bothered if they showed up at that time? It's my responsibility to either be ready by then, or be okay with continuing to get ready with guests there.

 

I'm afraid you'd be constantly mildly perturbed with me. Of course, if you told me, "The event starts at 5:00, but please don't come before 5:10", I would honor that. I would just like to be told. If you don't want me there at 5:00, for pete's sake don't tell me it starts then!!

[creekland]

I'm an on-time person and I try to arrive about 5 minutes early or on time (never earlier than 5 minutes early unless I KNOW the person is wanting me to be there earlier, like, say, my in-laws).

 

When I'm hosting I expect people to be on time, 5 - 10 minutes early, or up to about 10 minutes late unless it's an open house type of event. Any later than that and it annoys me. If they come earlier we enjoy the time together. Often they'll pitch in if I were still getting set up. If we were going somewhere, I won't wait. If it's a group activity, we'll get started without them. If it's chronic, they won't be invited anymore.

 

My dad was ALWAYS late for things when I was growing up. He'd be the type wanting to shower when it was time to be somewhere or leaving to get there. I detested it and vowed to never be late when it was MY decision. We aren't. I allow extra time for "emergencies" and would rather sit and wait in the car away from the event for a few minutes rather than be late.

 

Perhaps I shouldn't, but I do think less of people who are chronically late. I don't think less of them at all if there's a true reason for the lateness.

[HS Mom in NC]

We lie. We tell the chronically late people a false start time (an hour or more earlier) than we actually plan for things to start so they're either on time or only a little late. The people who manage to get places within 15 minutes of the actual start time are told the truth about when things start.

 

My oldest step-brother's wife is like this because she is chronically disorganized both externally and internally. You can't change people so you have to work with what you've got. She routinely calls me just before or right after an event has started with , "What time are we supposed to be there? That was today, right?"

 

Sometimes it's a cultural thing. Generally speaking, Southerners, Native Americans, and many Mexicans are not usually punctual for social events. Mostly I need to down some Vallium with hard liquor to get through those events because I was raised in The West where most people are very time conscious.

[Joanne]

This is predominently a very Western/American thread.

 

I am *personally* a "on time is late" person. Up until the last 2.5 years of study, I would have jumped on the "rude", "absolutely rude", "disrespectful" bandwagon.

 

But I've (been forced to) learned that "late" isn't a CONCEPT in some cultures, that "on time" isn't an inherent value. It's a cultural one (one I share). But I *get* that there are cultures (and some variety even in the USA) on this issue. My DH, from east Texas, has a relaxed attitude towards time and it is different than mine, not better.

 

People not from a "clock centered" culture aren't being rude. On time isn't an issue for them, so not being on time isn't an insult. I really didn't understand this until I learned about it in my graduate school and saw students from other cultures treat class, time, and professor time radically differently.

 

I'm still "early to be on time" personally.

[Guest submarines]

This is predominently a very Western/American thread.

 

I am *personally* a "on time is late" person. Up until the last 2.5 years of study, I would have jumped on the "rude", "absolutely rude", "disrespectful" bandwagon.

 

But I've (been forced to) learned that "late" isn't a CONCEPT in some cultures, that "on time" isn't an inherent value. It's a cultural one (one I share). But I *get* that there are cultures (and some variety even in the USA) on this issue. My DH, from east Texas, has a relaxed attitude towards time and it is different than mine, not better.

 

People not from a "clock centered" culture aren't being rude. On time isn't an issue for them, so not being on time isn't an insult. I really didn't understand this until I learned about it in my graduate school and saw students from other cultures treat class, time, and professor time radically differently.

 

I'm still "early to be on time" personally.

 

 

If I were to live in Japan, I'd find out soon enough that one doesn't wear shoes inside the house. If I continuted to wear my shoes, because wearing shoes inside is not an issue for me, wouldn't it be insulting to the my Japanese hosts? After all, I don't come from a foot wear centered culture. Not only that, I wearing shoes inside has no inherent value to me.

 

And yet if I were to come to this board and asked whether I was being rude, the vast majority of posters would tell me that indeed, I was. I'd be told that I wasn't sensitive to other people's culture and that if wanted to continue to live in Japan, I would need to learn to respect their customs.

 

The simple fact is that it *is* rude to be aware of a custom that most people adhered to, in a culture that welcomed you, and still ignore it, because in your own culture that particular custom has no value.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

And yet, and I'm saying this gently,.....to imbue MY failure/weakness/personal shortcoming/character flaw with some reflection on the nature of our relationship and my level of respect for you seems narcissistic. So, each could say similar about the other, kwim? ("You're (general you) so vain, you probably think this tardiness is about you, about you, about y-o-u."

:tongue_smilie:

I'm not talking about showing up two hours late. But, it seems that there WAS a misunderstanding between the OP and her guest, as if the plans were not set in stone.

[cindergretta]

If I were to live in Japan, I'd find out soon enough that one doesn't wear shoes inside the house. If I continuted to wear my shoes, because wearing shoes inside is not an issue for me, wouldn't it be insulting to the my Japanese hosts? After all, I don't come from a foot wear centered culture. Not only that, I wearing shoes inside has no inherent value to me.

 

And yet if I were to come to this board and asked whether I was being rude, the vast majority of posters would tell me that indeed, I was. I'd be told that I wasn't sensitive to other people's culture and that if wanted to continue to live in Japan, I would need to learn to respect their customs.

 

The simple fact is that it *is* rude to be aware of a custom that most people adhered to, in a culture that welcomed you, and still ignore it, because in your own culture that particular custom has no value.

 

I understand what you are saying and would agree to a point. But taking shoes off is totally different from being on time. Taking shoes off requires a reminder at the door but having events set in stone (time wise) takes a shift in how one perceives their own day and life and alters how they must approach every situation as now there is a completely foreign way of handling social engagements.

 

I married a Japanese man and we don't wear shoes in the house. No problem. My Japanese mil is actually Okinawan and runs on Okinawan time. That took a different adjustment for me but now I actually like her approach to time better than the one in which I was raised. :) And she strives to be "on time," but having moved her at almost 30 years old, she still struggles with it. And she is most definitely NOT selfish or insensitive or thinking her time is more valuable or my time isn't valuable. And if I were to forget and wear shoes in her house, she wouldn't apply those labels to me, either. She would think I am not used to not wearing shoes indoors and place no value judgement on it whatsoever.

[annandatje]

Yes, it would bother me. Guests should be prompt when dinner is being served. Definitely I would not invite them to dinner again, but maybe coffee and dessert instead since those are not time sensitive.

[kolamum]

It would push me over the edge. :) Yet, we have a family that comes to visit {relatives mind you} who always confirm times and end up 30-60 minutes late. BUT, anytime I prepare for that slack in time they are on time or early and I hear children complaining of being STARVING.

 

So, now I make something I can pop in the oven SUPER easily, a toss salad, and maybe a few extra sides if needed. I have some fruit and or crackers and cheese for when people arrive and we do okay.

 

Like you, though, I try to be timely.

[Joanne]

If I were to live in Japan, I'd find out soon enough that one doesn't wear shoes inside the house. If I continuted to wear my shoes, because wearing shoes inside is not an issue for me, wouldn't it be insulting to the my Japanese hosts? After all, I don't come from a foot wear centered culture. Not only that, I wearing shoes inside has no inherent value to me.

 

And yet if I were to come to this board and asked whether I was being rude, the vast majority of posters would tell me that indeed, I was. I'd be told that I wasn't sensitive to other people's culture and that if wanted to continue to live in Japan, I would need to learn to respect their customs.

 

The simple fact is that it *is* rude to be aware of a custom that most people adhered to, in a culture that welcomed you, and still ignore it, because in your own culture that particular custom has no value.

 

*shrug* I am not so American-centric that I can't understand people who have been reared sans clock-centeredness are not being RUDE. They operate in ways that don't match this culture, but I understand the intent isn't to be RUDE.

 

Being "on time" is an American/Western construct. It is not an inherent value.