S/O How can we help our kids be ready for earlier marriage?

[momma2three]

I just can't imagine why my kids would want to get married before they graduate college at the very least.

 

I expect they'll have premarital sex. Not that it would be any of my business, but in no way would I approve of a marriage where they hadn't had plenty of sex already, and preferably lived together for a few years.

 

But, as you say, they'll be adults and it would be out of my control. All these things are just the norm for my family and my friends and their families. Even my parents lived together for about 5 or 6 years before they got married.

[LibraryLover]

Dh & I (agntosticst/athiest) married young, and it worked out fine. :) Yet we would prefer our kids wait a bit longer. We want them to have freedom to explore the world and their studies without the constraint of tender attention to spousal needs. For us, it wasn't about sex. It was about expectations and energy, and its not the easiest of things to concentrate on work and the needs of a a young family.

 

My marraige is respectful and loving. We have a wonderful history togehter. I can't argue against that. ::0 However, we have cautioned our children against marrying until they have clear goals. Three of our kids seem to understand this, although one seems more inclined to marry the high school sweetheart.

 

I will respect whatever my children decide for themselves. This is a personal path. I don't see many advantages to teen marraiges, and I don't get why safe birth control is bad. Growing togehter as adults who can focus on each other and their growth is one thing...growing together as one juggles babies too soon is quite a different kettle of fish.

Edited October 1, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Kirch]

I can't find any stats about divorce rates by religion, but by far the group with the highest divorce rate are people who marry before the age of 24.

 

That's not surprising, given the state of many young adults in our culture to day (failure to launch--unable/unwilling to be independent by the early 20's), the general attitude towards marriage, and the relative ease with which one can obtain a no-fault divorce in most places.

 

This thread was a spin-off of the other thread, where we discussed parents allowing/encouraging earlier marriage rather than holding young adults to a very difficult standard of years and years of resisting sexual temptation until they're "ready" to marry. The context was basically Christian parents/families who take the Bible at its word regarding sexual activity--those who understand that the Bible says premarital sex is a sin and that marriage is a good, God-provided way for us to enjoy sex AND who believe that given the right tools and the opportunity, young adults are capable of much more than we as a society seem to think they are today. Clearly there are people who disagree, and if you (general you) don't have a problem with unmarried sex, you probably won't view earlier marriage (at least in the context we were discussing) as a good thing. But the point of this thread is, if we *are* interested in allowing/encouraging earlier marriages, how can we help our kids stay OUT of the statistic you mentioned above?

Edited October 1, 2011 by Kirch

[momma2three]

That's why I said I thought this thread was really interesting. I don't think I know anyone who thinks like this in real life! It's always interesting to hear other perspectives, and I'm enjoying reading what people have to say.

[momma2three]

But I do just want to say one more thing in response... the generation that married the youngest of any generation in US history were the Depression/WWII children, who were the parents of the Baby Boom. Prior to the 1950s, the average for women was about 23 for all of US history... it fell to 19 in the late 1940s and started creeping back up again in the middle of the 50s. And that generation also had the highest divorce rate in US history (peaking in the early 1980s). So I don't think you can actually credit the current divorce rate with "kids today."

[WIS0320]

What are some specific ways we can help our kids be mature enough to marry around 18-22 if they meet the right person?

 

 

I think allowing a great deal of responsibility to be shouldered by a teenager is the way to go. There obviously have to be safety nets but teenagers can and should be held far more accountable then they currently are in our society.

 

I married at 21 and had my first mortgage at 22. My husband was 24 when we married. My mother made me be responsible - I was expected to have a job 15 or so hours per week AND get through AP courses. I also finished a vocational degree while in high school to help support me if I wanted to pursue college without loans. My husband was the oldest son of a Chinese mother - I'll leave it at that. :tongue_smilie:

 

I think giving kids cars, gas money, insurance, the ability to go out and about with friends at their discretion without having to foot the bill, staying in the family home past age 18 without having to contribute financially to the household and parents who helicopter too much in the high school years as far as academics are concerned contribute to maturity-stunted 20 year olds.

 

Of course, my oldest is 6, so what do I know?! But my sister and I both turned out very well, have solid marriages over over 10 years each and have no consumer debt aside from mortgages on homes, no student loan debt and have survived financially independent of our parents since we left high school. I thought my mom was a total jerk and a pain in the neck at 16-19 but now I can see how her efforts have paid off.

 

ETA: My mother was a single parent and there just wasn't a lot of time for her to coddle us. She earned her masters degree when I was in middle school and PhD when I was in high school while also working full time. She was busy and she expected us to work as hard as she did. My father was disabled to the point of being unable to adequately care for himself without assistance. I began grocery shopping, bill paying, balancing his check book and putting together his weekly pill box when I was 15. I only spent the weekend with him and we had a great time together but my sister and I handled a lot of the adult "jobs" that he couldn't manage and got him set up for the week ahead without us. He was on dialysis my senior year of high school and I spent an awful lot of time shuttling him to the dialysis center and sitting in hospitals. He died the summer after I graduated. My high school years were challenging, but I think my main point is that teens *can* handle a lot and not having high enough expectations for teenagers can be far more damaging than expecting a lot out of them. Absolutely, my childhood made me a responsible adult.

Edited October 1, 2011 by drexel

[Tabrett]

 

My marraige is respectful and loving. We have a wonderful history togehter. I can't argue against too much that. However, we have cautioned our children against marrying until they have clear goals. Three of our kids seem to understand this, although one seems more inclined to marry the high school sweetheart.

 

I'm not sure it is possible to have goals that clear. Life changes so much. I had super clear goals in high school and college. I wanted to teach school and be the best music teacher. I imagined what I would do and what it would be like. I was excited! But then I got pregnant while doing my student teaching. No problem, I graduated and planned on putting my dc in daycare and going after my career. But the closer I got to having the baby the more I just couldn't put my dc in daycare! The love and desire I had to be a stay-at-home mom could not be explained to me pre-children.

I think marring young allowed my dh and my goals and dreams to grow together in unison as a team.

Edited October 1, 2011 by Tabrett

[Kirch]

I'm not sure it is possible to have goals that clear. Life changes so much. I had super clear goals in high school and college. I wanted to teach school and be the best music teacher. I imagined what I would do and what it would be like. I was excited! But then I got pregnant while doing my student teaching. No problem, I graduated and planned on putting my dc in daycare and going after my career. But the closer I got to having the baby the more I just couldn't put my dc in daycare! The love and desire I had to be a stay-at-home mom could not be explained to be pre-children.

I think marring young allowed my dh and my goals and dreams to grow together in unison as a team.

 

:iagree: Love this!

[abbeyej]

... in NO way whatsoever would I support my DD getting married before at LEAST 25.

...

I don't want my DD to be a good wife. I want her to be a HAPPY one - secure in her own education and future and a full, equal partner to her husband, not subservient to any man. I expect that's what my kids will look for because that's what they already know.

 

But no, I will not pay for any wedding before the age of 25, at least.

 

I have one close friend who got married young but the majority of the people in our lives had at least a bachelor's and most of them had doctorates before they got married.

 

I guess I'm sort of amazed that your attitude seems to be that no one could get married before the age of 25 *and* be happy in his/her marriage *and* have education *and* be an equal partner in the marriage...

 

I'm not an advocate for a particular age for marriage. (And neither dh nor I came from families that pushed a particular age range is "best", though both of our families valued education.) I would like to think that my kids will marry mature, unselfish people who basically share their values, love, and respect them. I hope that my children are mature, unselfish people who love and respect their spouses at the time of marriage. I don't have an ideology of age though. I would rather them have those elements in place at 18 than settle for a less-than-ideal candidate at 40 (or any other age).

 

I happened to marry at a relatively young age (by today's standards). I don't have a doctorate, but I did have my bachelor's before I got married (in part because I graduated young also). Dh didn't have his doctorate then either, but he earned it a few years later. We have different roles in our marriage and home life, but we seem to have a pretty good balance that works for us. :) I have *zero* regrets about getting married at 20 -- but I also recognize that I jump when I hear of kids getting married that young 'cause it *is* so unusual in our culture. :)

 

Anyway, I'm just saying... Sometimes it works. Sometimes we can be educated *and* married young. Sometimes we can be happy in the long term and feel that we've developed an equal partnership because of, not in spite of, an early marriage. :)

 

All that said, I absolutely agree with the other poster that said the best preparation for "early" marriage (let's say anything from 18-24) would be good preparation for *adulthood*. Life skills, social skills, education, morality... I want my kids to have (and be working on, as appropriate) those in their young adult life regardless of their career and family choices at that point.

Edited October 1, 2011 by abbeyej

[justamouse]

Uh, in NO way whatsoever would I support my DD getting married before at LEAST 25. I hope like cray my kids have responsible pre-marital sex. Absolutely.

 

I figured out birth control at 17. I'm hoping my kids are at least as smart as I!

 

I don't want my DD to be a good wife. I want her to be a HAPPY one - secure in her own education and future and a full, equal partner to her husband, not subservient to any man. I expect that's what my kids will look for because that's what they already know.

 

But no, I will not pay for any wedding before the age of 25, at least.

 

I have one close friend who got married young but the majority of the people in our lives had at least a bachelor's and most of them had doctorates before they got married.

 

I got married young, married 17 years, and we're pretty successful. And, I'm very happy.

 

BUT I also was going to school, working, taking are of a house with my parents, paying my own car insurance--I was pulling in 250 a week (that was a lot back then) as a senior in HS, and keeping my grades up.

[melbotoast]

I guess I'm sort of amazed that your attitude seems to be that no one could get married before the age of 25 *and* be happy in his/her marriage *and* have education *and* be an equal partner in the marriage...

 

 

:iagree:

[YLVD]

I'm not sure, as encouragement of young marriage is something really foreign to my world view. I don't want my son to marry that early. In fact, I don't have any great need to see him get married at all. I have no burning desire for grand children. It's purely his choice.

 

As far as dealing with real life things like rent, landlords, jobs, spending, etc., again, I'm not expecting him to pack his things and get out at 18. He's an only child, so it's no burden for him to continue living at home into his twenties.

 

Same, I was a bit shocked to read that anyone would. I don't care if she marries, her choice..preferably later if she does.

[seraphina]

I married young, I had just turned 20. I had no direction from my parents. Had I had some direction I may have made other choices but alas that doesn't matter as I am happy where I am. But marrying young isn't always easy, I know my marriage has had it's ups and downs, it's difficult when two young people get married and don't really know what the other wants out of life.

 

I would not discourage my children to marry young, I just hope that I can be there to talk to them about their choices and give them advice and some direction. I think the best advice I could give for a successful young marriage would be for them to truly know themselves and trust their instincts. I was not sure of myself, I needed someone else to tell me what I wanted, and I don't want my children to be like that.

 

BTW I was forced to work at a young age and take on loads of responsibilities that I was too young to handle. I don't think it made me stronger or better adapted. It made me go looking for love in all the wrong places. I am trying to raise my children in a loving, respectful, secure home and I hope that when it comes time for them to marry their security will help them be prepared.

[texasmama]

Well, I actually think that the best preparation for getting married is preparation for being an *adult*, without the expectation that marriage will happen.

 

:iagree: I am actively working on discouraging my oldest from getting married early. She is free to do as she wishes at some point, of course, but my goal for my kids is that they learn skills to take care of themselves, whether or not they ever marry. This will apply to my sons and my daughters.

 

I have told my oldest dd that it is wise to make a list of qualities which you want in a life partner prior to ever dating, though, so you know what you are looking for.

[seraphina]

 

I have told my oldest dd that it is wise to make a list of qualities which you want in a life partner prior to ever dating, though, so you know what you are looking for.

 

:iagree:

 

I agree completely. My children are not at dating age yet, we don't allow dating until age 16. But even then I don't see the value in it at a young age. I think it's hard to know what you want in a partner when you don't yet know yourself.

[LibraryLover]

In this context, I did mean clear educational ones.

 

Tying to study and find one's educational path is far more difficult when there are babies and great emotional relationaship demands pulling at you. I am not saying it cant be done, or even that it can't be done well. It's just so much more difficult to have clarity when a baby is crying, a spouse is needy, and the bills are pilling up. Perhaps this difficulty makes one stronger as a human being. However, in the end, I dont understand the rush. To everything there is a season. Do some young folks give up certain attainable dreams even before they begin if a partner and baby are rightfully pulling at them?

 

I'm not sure it is possible to have goals that clear. Life changes so much. I had super clear goals in high school and college. I wanted to teach school and be the best music teacher. I imagined what I would do and what it would be like. I was excited! But then I got pregnant while doing my student teaching. No problem, I graduated and planned on putting my dc in daycare and going after my career. But the closer I got to having the baby the more I just couldn't put my dc in daycare! The love and desire I had to be a stay-at-home mom could not be explained to me pre-children.

I think marring young allowed my dh and my goals and dreams to grow together in unison as a team.

Edited October 1, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Kirch]

In this context, I did mean clear educational ones.

 

Tying to study and find one's educational path is far more difficult when there are babies and great emotional relationaship demands pulling at you. I am not saying it cant be done, or even that it can't be done well. It's just so much more difficult to have clarity when a baby is crying, a spouse is needy, and the bills are pilling up. Perhaps this difficulty makes one stronger as a human being. However, in the end, I understand the rush. To everything there is a season. Do some young folks give up certain attainable dreams even before they begine if a partner and baby are rightfully pulling at them?

 

Possibly. Or possibly those dreams change, which might have happened as the young folks matured anyway. I could never have imagined dreaming of homeschooling my kids successfully, yet that is a goal that is near and dear to my heart now. Many dreams are simply delayed--like you said, seasons. One day I may go back and get my master's, and I think I'll have an easier time of it as a mature 40-something with some life experience under my belt. Of course, having spent years homeschooling my kids and self-educating at the same time will probably be a benefit! :D Even if not, though, giving up a one-time dream isn't always a tragedy, even if there's always a little "what if" floating around.

 

I think the marrying earlier vs. later debate is similar to the homeschool vs. PS debate--there are benefits and challenges to both. You have to decide which one is right for you, which necessarily means that you give up any benefits of the other option even while you're enjoying the benefits of the one you chose.

Edited October 1, 2011 by Kirch

[La Condessa]

I am LDS, too. I am 25 now, and have been married for five years. We actually waited until after my birthday, so my husband wouldn't be marrying a teenager--he was 25 at the time. We have a wonderful marriage.

 

I have heard so many people express the opinion that marrying young is a bad idea and will likely end in divorce. (For that matter, I've frequently heard the same opinion about chastity and not living together before marriage.) And yet, I read a study where the researchers expected this outcome but were surprised to find that the opposite was true--while there was a very high rate of divorce among young people who married early and were unchaste before marriage (presumably many of these marriages might have been on the heels of a pregnancy), the couples who were married between 19 and 24 and were chaste before marriage actually had the lowest divorce rate of all groups. I wish I had that reference available.

This has been borne out in my personal experience, as well.

 

My parents taught my siblings and I to work around the house, and outside the house as we were old enough. We were taught the value of work and thrift, and regaled with stories from the lean times early on in their marriage. It is quite normal, in my family, to marry in college and complete undergraduate and graduate degrees while starting a family at the same time.

 

My parents were the model of a good marriage. When they had a disagreement, they would go into their room and talk together to resolve it. My father always treated my mother with the utmost love and respect, and would allow no less from us. I can remember many times my mother saying to me, "Your father is such a wonderful man. You want to marry a man who ____ like him." When we were doing our family scripture study, I can recall my mom stopping us just before reading a passage describing some righteous and courageous young men (Alma 53:20-21), and saying, "Now listen carefully. Girls, this is who you want to marry. Boys, this is who you want to be." These discussions of what you wanted to ultimately become and who you wanted to spend forever with were a frequent part of life.

 

I would have no qualms about my children marrying around 20, so long as they were being wise in their decision making. I would, however, be anxious about a child marrying without ever having lived on their own before--I think that one should experience living without a parent to lean on before they shoulder the shared weight of a marriage to uphold.

[Caterpiller]

I was married at 17, but didn't actually get to live with my husband until I was 18. I was in highschool in a different state while he was at his first duty station in the military. After I graduated he came down and got me.

 

Honestly, I don't think my parents prepaired me for life as a young newly wed. But they certainly didn't abandon us either. I moved across the country from them and we just figured it out the best we could. When we needed someone older and wiser, we reached out to my parents and they reached back. I know my parents were simular in age to me and DH when they got married, and they also looked to their parents during their early years.

 

I don't think anyone can really prepare for marriage.

[EthiopianFood]

Help them really understand the pros and cons of being married so young, so they can know if that is truly what they want, rather than what is expected. I know people who married very young, and while they loves their lives, they still have that little "what if" in the back of their heads because they were never able to enjoy being a young, single adult. Once you have kids especially, you don't get that kind of freedom again for many years, as we all know! I feel so fortunate that I had my freedom, so when I was married at 25 and had my first child at 26, I was fully and truly ready to take that step. I think the main thing is to be realistic about marriage, and to know themselves well enough to know if this will apply to them or not (it clearly isn't the case for many people married young!).

[EthiopianFood]

I didn't even realize the thread had already gone in the direction I was thinking! :lol:

 

 

I think the marrying earlier vs. later debate is similar to the homeschool vs. PS debate--there are benefits and challenges to both. You have to decide which one is right for you, which necessarily means that you give up any benefits of the other option even while you're enjoying the benefits of the one you chose.

 

I think this is a good way of saying it. This is subjective, but I do feel like there are people who are so stuck on their idea of the ideal plan, whether it be marrying young or later, that they refuse to honestly examine the benefits of choosing something else. This is where the regret, if any, comes in, when it is too late to do anything about it.

[Aelwydd]

Uh, in NO way whatsoever would I support my DD getting married before at LEAST 25. I hope like cray my kids have responsible pre-marital sex. Absolutely.

 

I figured out birth control at 17. I'm hoping my kids are at least as smart as I!

 

I don't want my DD to be a good wife. I want her to be a HAPPY one - secure in her own education and future and a full, equal partner to her husband, not subservient to any man. I expect that's what my kids will look for because that's what they already know.

 

But no, I will not pay for any wedding before the age of 25, at least.

 

I have one close friend who got married young but the majority of the people in our lives had at least a bachelor's and most of them had doctorates before they got married.

 

Wish I had a like button here. :)

 

I'm raising my son to encourage him to do things like go to college, travel, explore himself and the world. I hope he does meet his life mate someday, someone who, like him, is kind, considerate, and generous, but also someone who has had time to learn who she is, and what she wants.

 

I don't wish for him to find a "good, little wife." I don't wish for him to marry someone submissive, or domineering. What I wish for him is to find someone who he recognizes as his equal, and someone who can respect him, in the same way he respects her. An egalitarian relationship.

 

That's what I want for my son. Now, can I force him? No, of course not. All his father and I can do is raise him to respect himself, and respect others, and hope that he will want the same things for himself that we do.

[higginszoo]

Dh and I married young (22) and did pretty well.

 

A lot of the life skills that we employed like budgeting, even getting an apartment, a car (and maintaining it) came from our Scout background. Even if you have philosophical differences with the programming as a whole either way, the Boy or Girl Scout materials (older is fine) can really help a lot with life skills if you can find them.

 

Our parents had married relatively young also (about the same age), so as firstborn children, we we remembered those lean early years, and didn't have expectations of anything else getting started as far as standard of living.

 

Our parents did encourage us to wait a couple of years from when we got engaged until we had finished our undergraduate degrees. We actually then chose to wait until dh finished his graduate degree, but it was only a few months more after my bachelor's. Our moms also had finished their educations to a point before marriage, and it does help in those early, lean years. My dad hadn't finished college when my parents got married (my mom has a 3 year RN diploma), and that made employment difficult, mom was often the breadwinner when I was little. Dh's parents both went to graduate school, and I would guess that if they had it to do over, they would have done that first, but they got through.

 

None of our siblings married early ... dh's sisters were mid-to late 20s, my brother was 30, and I have another brother in his 30s as yet unmarried and unattached. The same concepts, though, helped them launch on their own. Well, except for one s-i-l, who did complete medical school and her intern year before marrying, but her mother STILL even did her taxes for a few years after that.

[Mama Geek]

Help them really understand the pros and cons of being married so young, so they can know if that is truly what they want, rather than what is expected. I know people who married very young, and while they loves their lives, they still have that little "what if" in the back of their heads because they were never able to enjoy being a young, single adult. Once you have kids especially, you don't get that kind of freedom again for many years, as we all know! I feel so fortunate that I had my freedom, so when I was married at 25 and had my first child at 26, I was fully and truly ready to take that step. I think the main thing is to be realistic about marriage, and to know themselves well enough to know if this will apply to them or not (it clearly isn't the case for many people married young!).

 

This can happen the other way too though. I married young but we put off having kids and then when we decided to, I had problems getting pregnant. I often wonder what if we had decided not to wait. Maybe we would have had a whole house full of children. The chances of us having anymore children are pretty slim.

[Tabrett]

In this context, I did mean clear educational ones.

 

Tying to study and find one's educational path is far more difficult when there are babies and great emotional relationaship demands pulling at you. I am not saying it cant be done, or even that it can't be done well. It's just so much more difficult to have clarity when a baby is crying, a spouse is needy, and the bills are pilling up. Perhaps this difficulty makes one stronger as a human being. However, in the end, I understand the rush. To everything there is a season. Do some young folks give up certain attainable dreams even before they begine if a partner and baby are rightfully pulling at them?

 

I'm not quit sure what you are saying. There were no emotional strains pulling on me to make me 'loose' my goals. My goals simply changed-almost instantly. No more was I interested in persueing a career, my goal was to be a mom. I have NEVER felt like I missed out on my original goal. Infact, when I did have to teach school, my mind was always focused on how I could get back home! My original goal was in stark opposition to my new goal. I didn't 'give up' anything. Getting an education has never been hendered by being married or having children. My dh went on to get his masters after I graduated. Our 1st dd was born when he was in school. He is now in school again (new goals) and we have 4 dc. As clear as my dh's goals were, it could not prepare us for his job loss and our need to find new goals.

 

Goals change all the time. The questions is, how to teach our dc to be adaptable in a marriage relationship. Life is not so cut and dry.

[mommymilkies]

I didn't even realize the thread had already gone in the direction I was thinking! :lol:

 

 

 

 

I think this is a good way of saying it. This is subjective, but I do feel like there are people who are so stuck on their idea of the ideal plan, whether it be marrying young or later, that they refuse to honestly examine the benefits of choosing something else. This is where the regret, if any, comes in, when it is too late to do anything about it.

 

I agree. I married at age 22. I already had 3 kids. I figure that is my child's decision to make. No way will I allow real dating before age 17-18, but after that I will support them. If they want to marry at age 18 and are well adjusted, happy, and looking at it realistically, then I will support them. But I'm not trying to raise good wives or good husbands. I'm trying to raise smart, healthy, and happy adults. I do not consider a life wasted because they are a parent or spouse before they are 25. That idea is completely foreign to me and I married younger than almost anyone in my family.

[Mrs Mungo]

I got married at 21, right out of college. No, it hasn't ways been easy. Marriage requires work, effort and compromise at any age. I am not a submissive little wife by any stretch of the imagination, neither do I rule over my husband. We are partners. We each have a deep appreciation for the work we do and the sacrifices that we make. Neither of us could do our job without the unconditional support the other.

 

Maybe you find the person for you at a young age, maybe it happens at an older age. I won't push for either. What I will push for is choosing the right person, having some standards.

[abbeyej]

...I often wonder ... The chances of us having anymore children are pretty slim.

 

(())

[J-rap]

I guess I've never thought of it that way... that is, I've never thought, "How can I raise my children so they are prepared to enter a healthy relationship in case they get married early?" Instead, I've asked "How can I raise my children to be emotionally healthy, mature, responsible, independent, caring adults, whose lives don't revolve around themselves, who know how to compromise and make sacrifices when needed and it is healthy to do so, who have a zest for life, a love of adventure, and who see blessings even in difficult times." (Whew -- that was long!) I feel that if I've done this, then they will be prepared for almost anything.:)

[Terabith]

My husband and I got married at 22, the summer after we graduated from college. We were each other's first sexual partners, also, less for religious reasons than because we recognized that waiting till marriage for sex helps prevent comparisons and later discontent.

 

I think that there is a LOT to be said for early marriage, in the sense that you are figuring out adulthood together. Two people against the world. I think it does wonders to bond you together tightly.

 

I do think waiting until you have finished college is a good idea.

 

Talking a lot about good relationship skills, which can start in early childhood, with learning how to be a good friend, since the most important thing in a marriage is a friendship, is something you can do to help prepare your kids for early marriage, or relationships at all. Talk about sociology and the characteristics of good relationships. Talk about finances. Learn how to do basic house and car repair. Learn how to do your taxes and cook.

[PeacefulChaos]

Uh, in NO way whatsoever would I support my DD getting married before at LEAST 25. I hope like cray my kids have responsible pre-marital sex. Absolutely.

 

I figured out birth control at 17. I'm hoping my kids are at least as smart as I!

 

I don't want my DD to be a good wife. I want her to be a HAPPY one - secure in her own education and future and a full, equal partner to her husband, not subservient to any man. I expect that's what my kids will look for because that's what they already know.

 

But no, I will not pay for any wedding before the age of 25, at least.

 

I have one close friend who got married young but the majority of the people in our lives had at least a bachelor's and most of them had doctorates before they got married.

 

So if your DD decides to get married earlier, you literally won't support her at all? :001_huh: I personally don't care when my kids get married, I think that the point of the thread is more how to be responsible adults, giving them what they need to have a good marriage at any age - from a Christian worldview - aka abstinence til marriage. That is my personal stance - it matters not to me whether my children meet their mate when they are 18 or 80, abstinence is still important until they marry said person, and they need to know how to be good a good spouse at any age. I see no problem in preparing them for that.

 

I'm not sure it is possible to have goals that clear. Life changes so much. I had super clear goals in high school and college. I wanted to teach school and be the best music teacher. I imagined what I would do and what it would be like. I was excited! But then I got pregnant while doing my student teaching. No problem, I graduated and planned on putting my dc in daycare and going after my career. But the closer I got to having the baby the more I just couldn't put my dc in daycare! The love and desire I had to be a stay-at-home mom could not be explained to me pre-children.

I think marring young allowed my dh and my goals and dreams to grow together in unison as a team.

 

I agree. I think that most (most - not all) people have no idea what they want to do with their entire life when they get out of high school. Jobs are jobs, and aren't all that important, honestly. And I totally agree that goals and dreams grow together in unison. :)

 

Wish I had a like button here. :)

 

I'm raising my son to encourage him to do things like go to college, travel, explore himself and the world. I hope he does meet his life mate someday, someone who, like him, is kind, considerate, and generous, but also someone who has had time to learn who she is, and what she wants.

 

I don't wish for him to find a "good, little wife." I don't wish for him to marry someone submissive, or domineering. What I wish for him is to find someone who he recognizes as his equal, and someone who can respect him, in the same way he respects her. An egalitarian relationship.

 

That's what I want for my son. Now, can I force him? No, of course not. All his father and I can do is raise him to respect himself, and respect others, and hope that he will want the same things for himself that we do.

 

I don't think anyone is saying they want their children to find a 'good little wife' or vice versa (whatever one would say for a husband - 'good providing husband?' :lol: ) This is just about how to have children prepared for adulthood. Marriage is a huge, important part of adulthood. I don't think that finding a spouse who has necessarily had a chance to really 'find herself/himself' is a wonderful thing, I really don't think it matters either way, because people change. I don't think there is a set formula for when people should get married - when they are ready, and meet the right person.

 

I got married at 21, right out of college. No, it hasn't ways been easy. Marriage requires work, effort and compromise at any age. I am not a submissive little wife by any stretch of the imagination, neither do I rule over my husband. We are partners. We each have a deep appreciation for the work we do and the sacrifices that we make. Neither of us could do our job without the unconditional support the other.

 

Maybe you find the person for you at a young age, maybe it happens at an older age. I won't push for either. What I will push for is choosing the right person, having some standards.

 

:iagree::iagree:

I think that is what most here are saying. I haven't seen any (I may have missed some) PP saying that they *want* their kids getting married super young, though its not a bad thing. It just is what it is.

I see what age my kids get married as not really my business. Nor is whether or not they choose to go to college, grad school, etc. I would NEVER push my kids to do any of those things. It kind of sickens me when I hear of parents who have big huge plans for their children to do all these amazing things for a living - I couldn't care less what my kids do as a job, I want them to be great, God loving people. Period.

[HRAAB]

Uh, in NO way whatsoever would I support my DD getting married before at LEAST 25. I hope like cray my kids have responsible pre-marital sex. Absolutely.

 

I figured out birth control at 17. I'm hoping my kids are at least as smart as I!

 

I don't want my DD to be a good wife. I want her to be a HAPPY one - secure in her own education and future and a full, equal partner to her husband, not subservient to any man. I expect that's what my kids will look for because that's what they already know.

 

But no, I will not pay for any wedding before the age of 25, at least.

 

I have one close friend who got married young but the majority of the people in our lives had at least a bachelor's and most of them had doctorates before they got married.

 

So what do suggest parents do when their 18 yr old dd announces she's getting married? I asking seriously - no snark. I was 25, dh 27 when we married - young enough. My parents were 29 - back in the 50's. We did not encourage young marriage at all. Yet my dd came home and announced she was getting married at 18 (they had known each other for 4 yrs). Short of hurting our relationship, in the end, it was her choice. I could either be there for her or boycott her wedding. So after many long talks, her dad and I were there for her. She's now been married 2 yrs., both she and her dh are attending college, they're happy and they're making it - so far. Now that's she's married, I'm there to help her all I can with encouragement and support. She does seem more mature for her age than many of her friends; this could be due to being homeschooled.

 

It's easy to say 'there's no way my kid is getting married before they're 24 or 25 or whatever' (I know, I use to say it). But if they do anyway, I don't know what else to do as a parent than to support them. We have a very, very good relationship, and I want to keep it that way.

Edited October 2, 2011 by Ishki

[Jennifer3141]

So what do suggest parents do when their 18 yr old dd announces she's getting married? I asking seriously - no snark. I was 25, dh 27 when we married - young enough. My parents were 29 - back in the 50's. We did not encourage young marriage at all. Yet my dd came home and announced she was getting married at 18 (they had known each other for 4 yrs). Short of hurting our relationship, in the end, it was her choice. I could either be there for her or boycott her wedding. So after many long talks, her dad and I were there for her. She's now been married 2 yrs., both she and her dh are attending college, they're happy and they're making it - so far. Now that's she's married, I'm there to help her all I can with encouragement and support. She does seem more mature for her age than many of her friends; this could be due to being homeschooled.

 

It's easy to say 'there's no way my kid is getting married before they're 24 or 25 or whatever' (I know, I use to say it). But if they do anyway, I don't know what else to do as a parent than to support them. We have a very, very good relationship, and I want to keep it that way.

 

If DD wants to get married when she's of legal age (18!! OMG); whatever. I'll try to talk her out of it but I sure as heck won't pay for the wedding. But I am raising my kids with our values so I hope they don't even see it as an option. So far, so good. :lol:

[Parker Martin]

Heh heh. Just wait. You never know what will happen.

 

I didn't think I'd get married until my thirties. My parents thought the same.

 

Then I met my husband.

 

Married at twenty-one. Blissful. It's ten years later, and we still adore each other.

 

Sometimes you just know.

[Jennifer3141]

Heh heh. Just wait. You never know what will happen.

 

I didn't think I'd get married until my thirties. My parents thought the same.

 

Then I met my husband.

 

Married at twenty-one. Blissful. It's ten years later, and we still adore each other.

 

Sometimes you just know.

 

Maybe. It's just not our worldview or that of most of our friends. We don't know anyone who believes in "purity" (an expression that makes everyone I know GAG) or abstinence before marriage. I don't see how I would even attempt to work that into our family values since we've already taught our kids there's nothing shameful or wrong about sex.

 

I question the value of college nowadays so I can see how that might be an issue but teen marriage or marriage at 20? I don't see that happening so much right now.

 

I do have one good friend who married at 20 and started having babies immediately but even she hopes her kids wait longer than they did and my friend has a GOOD marriage. There's just stuff she missed.

[Parker Martin]

Maybe. It's just not our worldview or that of most of our friends. We don't know anyone who believes in "purity" (an expression that makes everyone I know GAG) or abstinence before marriage. I don't see how I would even attempt to work that into our family values since we've already taught our kids there's nothing shameful or wrong about sex.

 

It wasn't my worldview, nor my family's. Same for DH and his family. If you had mentioned the idea of "purity" to me at that time, I would have thought you were very quaint.

 

We didn't get married so that we could have sex. (We moved in together the day we met.) We got married because we wanted to be married.

 

I was an atheist when I met my husband. He was a nominal Christian. Now we joke that we've both turned into Ned Flanders. Go figure.

[Stellalarella]

If DD wants to get married when she's of legal age (18!! OMG); whatever. I'll try to talk her out of it but I sure as heck won't pay for the wedding. But I am raising my kids with our values so I hope they don't even see it as an option. So far, so good. :lol:

 

I've experienced the kind of *love* that says, "I love you," but then doesn't come to my wedding in a X church she's Y church.

 

I've experienced the kind of *love* that says, "I love you," but when I move across the country with my husband and family, my family won't come to see us off because they are mad we're leaving.

 

I've experienced the kind of *love* that says, "I love you," and we know you're raising money for the adoption, but we're not going to support you.

 

I've experienced the kind of *love* that says, "I love you," and I know you're going on this mission trip, but I am not going to support you with my money because I only support X missions.

 

Well, the good news is that God sent me a little sweet adopted Grandmother to come to my wedding and she cried and hugged me and said it was the most worshipful wedding that she had ever attended. And God sent friends to come and help us pack and hug us as we drove off to a whole new life. And God sent faithful friends who believed in our adoptions, faithful friends who believed in my mission to support me.

 

It has been very painful for me to have my closest family use the withholding of money and presence to demonstrate their opinions about the biggest choices of my adult life.

 

Even as I can honor and appreciate my parents and grandparents for the good things they have done for me, I know that when I make a big decision I cannot go to them for advice or support.

 

And what is really, truly, horribly sad is that they didn't want to support me when I needed it, but years down the road when they can see the proof that I did good, then they tell me they are proud of me.

[Jennifer3141]

Andrea, I get that you have some sort of religious dispute with your family. But we don't practice ANY religion. Actually, we don't even have our kids play with "religious" kids. They don't like being prosyltized to and I have zero patience for most religions. So what I think you cannot understand is that for us, early marriage is tied to Patriarchy and well, no one in my family has any interest in a life like that. But both my kids already clearly know that their father and I would not support that kind of lifestyle. If they choose it when they're 30-40, so be it I suppose. But marrying in their teens and especially starting a family to perpetuate that? Uh, NO. We would not support that in any way. I would still love my kids but go along with it? Nope.

[Aelwydd]

I've experienced the kind of *love* that says, "I love you," but then doesn't come to my wedding in a X church she's Y church.

 

I've experienced the kind of *love* that says, "I love you," but when I move across the country with my husband and family, my family won't come to see us off because they are mad we're leaving.

 

I've experienced the kind of *love* that says, "I love you," and we know you're raising money for the adoption, but we're not going to support you.

 

I've experienced the kind of *love* that says, "I love you," and I know you're going on this mission trip, but I am not going to support you with my money because I only support X missions.

 

Well, the good news is that God sent me a little sweet adopted Grandmother to come to my wedding and she cried and hugged me and said it was the most worshipful wedding that she had ever attended. And God sent friends to come and help us pack and hug us as we drove off to a whole new life. And God sent faithful friends who believed in our adoptions, faithful friends who believed in my mission to support me.

 

It has been very painful for me to have my closest family use the withholding of money and presence to demonstrate their opinions about the biggest choices of my adult life.

 

Even as I can honor and appreciate my parents and grandparents for the good things they have done for me, I know that when I make a big decision I cannot go to them for advice or support.

 

And what is really, truly, horribly sad is that they didn't want to support me when I needed it, but years down the road when they can see the proof that I did good, then they tell me they are proud of me.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't think it's fair to project your feelings and your experiences onto Jennifer's or my post. We haven't said anything about shunning or avoiding weddings. What we've said is that, like many other parents here, we don't feel compelled to support with our money, all the choices our children make. Especially if we feel they are making an ill-advised or potentially harmful decision.

 

I have not said that I will not ever compromise or change my mind on the matter. However, generally speaking, I would not be pleased if my ds decided to get married as a teenager, or really, before he's had the time to finish, at the very least, his own physical maturity. Many men aren't even done growing until their early twenties. I just don't consider 20 or 21 to be a prime age for marriage. Sex, yes. But, I don't demand that my ds remain perfectly chaste until marriage. I expect him to be careful, respectful of his partner, and smart.

[UnsinkableKristen]

DH and I were married at 21 and 20 and ten years later are just as happy as we were at the beginning. We graduated college together, traveled together, learned how to be grown ups together. I can't imagine doing it any other way. I would have done all those things without him, but it was SO MUCH MORE FUN with him! :001_smile: I've grown up with my best friend in the whole world, I can only hope my children experience a marriage this happy.

 

That said, I would never tell my children they *should* get married early. I can't really imagine giving them a time line for something like that. If they are entering into a healthy, happy relationship and I trust they are using their brains and not just their googly-love-eyes, then I'm happy for them and will support them, regardless of age.

 

 

** Some one please remind me of this when one of my littles actually tells me they are getting married at 18. Somehow I doubt I will really be this suave about it then... :lol:**

[PeacefulChaos]

I'm honestly asking this, not trying to be snarky or rude...

Exactly what do people think they will miss if they get married young? I know a PP mentioned that a friend felt like she had missed things because she got married at 20. I'm just curious as to what would be missed.

Honestly asking. For reals. :) Thanks.

[Mrs Mungo]

I'm honestly asking this, not trying to be snarky or rude...

Exactly what do people think they will miss if they get married young? I know a PP mentioned that a friend felt like she had missed things because she got married at 20. I'm just curious as to what would be missed.

Honestly asking. For reals. :)

 

You will miss something no matter what path you take in life. Young marriage? Old marriage? Adventures as a couple when young? When old? Stay at home mom? Working mom? Career when young? When old? Choose what is right for you. But, not one of us is special. It has been done. Someone has done it wrong, and someone has done it right. It has been wonderful for someone, and it has sucked for someone. It has been done a thousand times, a million times. But you can't have it all, certainly not all at once.

 

I have had amazing adventures. I made the right decision for me. It has nothing to do with anyone else.

[Kirch]

I think that is what most here are saying. I haven't seen any (I may have missed some) PP saying that they *want* their kids getting married super young, though its not a bad thing. It just is what it is.

I see what age my kids get married as not really my business. Nor is whether or not they choose to go to college, grad school, etc. I would NEVER push my kids to do any of those things. It kind of sickens me when I hear of parents who have big huge plans for their children to do all these amazing things for a living - I couldn't care less what my kids do as a job, I want them to be great, God loving people. Period.

 

:iagree: I don't plan to necessarily *encourage* my kids to get married young, but I think earlier marriage can be a very good thing for various reasons discussed earlier in the thread. I do reject the idea that seems so prevalent in American culture today that earlier marriage is always a negative thing, and I want to prepare my kids to be able to take on adult responsibilities (including but not limited to marriage) by the time they are young adults--18 or 19. If they're not interested in marriage at that time or still haven't met the right person by the time they're 30 (or 40 or 50 or never do), that's fine. But I don't want them to be in the position of being 19, 20, 21 and wanting to get married but not being ready (or as ready as you can be for marriage!).

[SeekingHim77]

I married young. Was it the right decision? Is it what I want for my children? I don't know.

 

What I do know is that God worked it all for good in my life. I believe getting married early did save me from a lot of heartache. Sure, it was hard but I was on a downward spiral when I met my husband and I'm not sure how far I would have gone had I not fallen in love with and married my husband. It's 17 years later and life is good-really good.

 

I'm so thankful that I married young and had children at a young age as well. It saved me from my selfishness. Having others in my life and being responsible for my children made me realize I'd better start thinking long term and stop living in the moment. When I became pregnant with my son, reality hit me like a ton of bricks. The weight of being a parent made me really start to rethink life and how I wanted to live it.

 

So, what will I do if my son comes home saying he wants to get married when he's 18 or 19? Probably freak out. :D Then I'll pray and pray and pray some more. God can change my son's heart if he is wrong and mine if I'm the one who needs it.

[Kirch]

Andrea, I get that you have some sort of religious dispute with your family. But we don't practice ANY religion. Actually, we don't even have our kids play with "religious" kids. They don't like being prosyltized to and I have zero patience for most religions. So what I think you cannot understand is that for us, early marriage is tied to Patriarchy and well, no one in my family has any interest in a life like that. But both my kids already clearly know that their father and I would not support that kind of lifestyle. If they choose it when they're 30-40, so be it I suppose. But marrying in their teens and especially starting a family to perpetuate that? Uh, NO. We would not support that in any way. I would still love my kids but go along with it? Nope.

 

Well, I think this is part of the disconnect. I married early (21), as did many others who have posted. I don't get the patriarchy vibe from any of the posts I read. Some of them even clearly stated they were atheists/non-religious, and although I'm a Christian, I am most definitely not in the patriarchy camp and never have been. I would have a tough time supporting my child marrying early for the reasons coming from the patriarchy movement too. That doesn't really seem to have come into this thread much if at all, though--I don't think I've read anyone posting that they want to prepare their girls to be good, submissive wives and to jump into prolific childbearing ASAP or that they're trying to make sure their sons are ready to take up the reigns as the sole-breadwinning (from his own entrepreneurial start-up) dictator of a home. We have talked about some religious reasons, but please don't lump us all in with patriarchy.

[Marylou]

Maybe. It's just not our worldview or that of most of our friends. We don't know anyone who believes in "purity" (an expression that makes everyone I know GAG) or abstinence before marriage. I don't see how I would even attempt to work that into our family values since we've already taught our kids there's nothing shameful or wrong about sex.

 

I question the value of college nowadays so I can see how that might be an issue but teen marriage or marriage at 20? I don't see that happening so much right now.

 

I do have one good friend who married at 20 and started having babies immediately but even she hopes her kids wait longer than they did and my friend has a GOOD marriage. There's just stuff she missed.

 

Why do you put quotes around purity?

 

I teach my children that there's nothing shameful or wrong about sex, too.

 

I also teach them not to GAG or belittle others' worldviews.

[Aelwydd]

I'm so thankful that I married young and had children at a young age as well. It saved me from my selfishness. Having others in my life and being responsible for my children made me realize I'd better start thinking long term and stop living in the moment. When I became pregnant with my son, reality hit me like a ton of bricks. The weight of being a parent made me really start to rethink life and how I wanted to live it.

 

I am not contesting at all that early marriage and children had a good effect on you in this way. But, I want to point out that marriage at a young age, and children, don't automatically equal self-lessness. Some of the most selfish people I know are young parents. They married too young, and weren't ready to make the self-sacrifice parenting required. As a result, their kids suffer for their self-centeredness.

 

I've also known several young women, who desired children as part of some childish desire to play house at a grown up level. They had babies because they wanted someone to love them.

 

I think that's an awful burden to put on a child: procreate simply out of a desperate need to be loved. That's not healthy, IMO.

[twoforjoy]

DH and I were married at 21 and 20 and ten years later are just as happy as we were at the beginning. We graduated college together, traveled together, learned how to be grown ups together. I can't imagine doing it any other way. I would have done all those things without him, but it was SO MUCH MORE FUN with him! :001_smile: I've grown up with my best friend in the whole world, I can only hope my children experience a marriage this happy.

 

I think there's much to be said for this. The bolded was our experience, as well. My DH and I met at 18, moved in together at 19, got engaged a few months later, and married right after college. For all intents and purposes, we lived as if we had an "early marriage," in that from 19 on we lived together in a committed monogamous relationship that we intended to be lifelong.

 

We've had some really, really rough times. We had a lot of growing up to do. But, we did it together. The person I am is so shaped by the person my DH is, and the same for him. And despite having had some really rough times, we have something now that I'm not sure we'd have had if we'd met in our late 20s. We are both so connected to each other on this really fundamental level of having been, literally, the most formative influence on each other's development as an adult that not being together has never really seemed like an option. It would be like cutting ourselves in half, you know? My DH has determined so much of who I am, and I've determined so much of who he is, despite the fact that we're really, really different people (and in some ways more different today that we were when we met). I wouldn't want to give that up.

 

I also wanted to say that I think there are some benefits to being married in college. While we weren't married, we were engaged and living together for our last three years of college; we lived like old married people. ;) And, it was good. I think we both were able to focus more on our studies than our friends who were single, because most of them weren't happily single--they wanted a partner, they were looking for a partner, and there was a lot of partying and hooking up and stuff that took a lot of time away from school. Having the security of having somebody to come home to every day made a lot of aspects of college easier for me, and made it easier to focus on academics. I totally agree that having children in college would make it much harder to finish, and if my children did marry before they finished college and intended to graduate, I'd encourage them to wait to have kids. It's certainly doable to finish college with kids, but it is harder. But I think college while married, assuming you still have the financial support you'd have from your parents otherwise, is easier than college single. It's really only harder, I think, if your parents were paying for it or intending to pay for it and then cut you off and you then have to figure out how to pay for it on your own.

 

I also wanted to say that I'm a feminist. I may in fact be an official one, because I have an undergraduate degree and a master's certificate in women's studies. I still think that, on the whole, early marriage (and by early I mean late teens/early 20s) is a good idea. I think that changing things so that earlier marriage is more viable is a better idea that just pushing people to delay marriage longer and longer. I think respecting the fact that we are interdependent is preferable to promoting a false and unrealistic independence. I think that young people, including young women, should be treated as if they have agency and are capable of making important decisions.

 

I also think that we have some weird ideas about what growing up/maturing entails. We "find ourselves," I think, within close relationships with other people, ones where they depend on us and we depend on them, not by backpacking across Europe. Being married and having kids, for me, sure helped me to "find myself." Before that, I thought I was a patient, kind, and selfless person; I found out I was wrong! ;)

 

That said, while I do hope my children find their life partner when they are younger rather than older, just because I think there's much to be gained from that, I wouldn't push them to do so. But what I will be doing is supporting them no matter what choices they make regarding marriage, and I won't be encouraging them to delay marriage if they don't want to. If they meet the person they want to spend their life with at 18, like we did, we'll be happy to celebrate their wedding when they are 19, and continue to support them financially and materially and emotionally to whatever degree we'd been doing before and were able to. We're also willing to open our doors to our kids when they need us to, whether they are married or single. Our financial support and our willingness to have them live with us will not be contingent upon them remaining single. It's not, for us, about pressuring our kids to marry early, but supporting them if they decide to and doing what we can to make it a viable option for them.

[Kirch]

I am not contesting at all that early marriage and children had a good effect on you in this way. But, I want to point out that marriage at a young age, and children, don't automatically equal self-lessness. Some of the most selfish people I know are young parents. They married too young, and weren't ready to make the self-sacrifice parenting required. As a result, their kids suffer for their self-centeredness.

 

I've also known several young women, who desired children as part of some childish desire to play house at a grown up level. They had babies because they wanted someone to love them.

 

I think that's an awful burden to put on a child: procreate simply out of a desperate need to be loved. That's not healthy, IMO.

 

That's true, but it's true at any age. Waiting to have kids until later doesn't automatically equal selflessness either--I've known plenty of older selfish parents as well.

[justamouse]

Andrea, I get that you have some sort of religious dispute with your family. But we don't practice ANY religion. Actually, we don't even have our kids play with "religious" kids. They don't like being prosyltized to and I have zero patience for most religions. So what I think you cannot understand is that for us, early marriage is tied to Patriarchy and well, no one in my family has any interest in a life like that. But both my kids already clearly know that their father and I would not support that kind of lifestyle. If they choose it when they're 30-40, so be it I suppose. But marrying in their teens and especially starting a family to perpetuate that? Uh, NO. We would not support that in any way. I would still love my kids but go along with it? Nope.

 

Pffft. Early marriage is SOMETIMES tied to patriarchy. Not for me it wasn't. For me it was finding the guy I wanted to marry and not wanting to spend one day away from him unless I had to.

 

And, my kids would never proselytize to your children, and we ARE religious. So sad that you assume that of everyone.