Your parents style vs. your parenting style?

[Bang!Zoom!]

Big difference? About the same?

 

For me, I'm way different in parenting than the way my folks did it.

 

I have no idea some days what they were thinking....being left independent at a very early age to wander about...all sorts of things..

 

But in the area of instant ultra-repond & respect, they had it goin' on. 2,000 percent stronger. Here today, I am weaker then they were.

 

We never battled with them, ever. EVER.

 

I wonder to myself...how different my kids will parent then me. Hmm.

 

How about you?

[The Girls' Mom]

WAY different than my parents. Can't say my parents did a lot of parenting..IYKWIM

 

Only a little different than my dh's parents. Obviously we think they got a few things right. :D

[simka2]

Started out the total opposite of my mom (raised by a single mom and my grandfather).

 

After some serious humbleing and being knocked from my high horse, I would be honored to be near as wise as she is.

 

She knew how to build a child up from the inside. With my younger siblings she did even better, and I can only hope to be as calm, empowering, and non-controlling as she is with them.

[Jennifer3141]

My parents were odd. When we were little, we had almost no supervision because my mom worked. I remember having to babysit my brother when I was in second grade from the hours of 3:30 - 5:30-6:00. My brother is 4 1/2 years younger than I.

 

I look at my 7 year old DD and think there is just no way... :glare:

 

But then in college, they strangled me to the point that I quit, ran away, and married someone totally wrong for me.

 

There was no respect and no trust between us, and looking back, I really have NO idea why, other than I was the girl and therefore needed to be choked to death so I didn't get pregnant or something.

 

On the other hand, my brother was a pot dealer in high school and they were proud that he had an interest in horticulture. (My parents had NO idea what pot looked like.) :lol:

Hi literally grew pot in our attic and ultimately burned my parents' house down and to this day, they.just.don't.get it.

 

So I love them but from a distance. I keep myself and my family safe and sane by keeping a mileage buffer from them.

[Farrar]

Different in some ways, but the same in general approach. My mother tried to parent me with love and common sense. With boundaries but also flexibility. We don't always agree, but I think we both have the same looking for the balance sort of approach.

[Barb_]

My knee jerk reaction is my dad (What are you thinking?! Knock it off! Sit DOWN and stop bothering people! WHAT are those kids doing in the street...don't they have the sense God gave them??), and if I give my frontal lobe a chance to kick in, I'm kind, gentle, and understanding like my mom. Then again, my mom was too easy-going and excused too much of our bad behavior. I do a better job than they did, primarily because I've been at it longer. They had two children in their early 20's and were done raising kids by the time they were my age. So I think my basic style came from them both, but I've tried to apply the best of each and make my own mistakes :)

[Tap]

My parents were very strict with my siblings. I am 6 years younger that the youngest. I was raised by very, very different parents. They were very lax with me.

 

For example....My mother told me I could start car dating at 14yo, traveling 30 minutes into a major city with my 18yo boyfriend. I had never asked to go with him, she just said it was fine if I wanted to. She liked that my boyfriend was older and more mature...:confused:...now it would involve the authorities! My older sisters were barely allowed to go on a date at 16yo in a very small town, and it didn't involve car dates, and they checked up on them. LOL

 

It was very, very different for me.

 

They really didn't care what I did after the age of 13-14 or so. As long as I kept my grades up. My parents drank a lot in those years, I think that had something to do with it. I know what my kids are doing and who they are with, at all times. My 17yo is allowed to make his own plans, but he lets us know where he is.

 

The 4 siblings I grew up with were all about 5 years apart in age; they were very, very close. My parents were raising 5 kids when they were growing up; they were parenting 5 kids. I was from a second marriage and was the only one with my father. I was an only child after the age of 10, and my parents were bored with parenting.

 

 

I am not like my parents...in anyway, shape or form. I have high expectations, but few rules. We judge each child and each situation differently day by day.

Edited September 18, 2011 by Tap, tap, tap

[ChandlerMom]

I believe we parent in reaction to our own upbringing: we either strive to give the kids what we had or to make sure they never have to go thru what we did. :D

 

In general, I try to give my kids what I have and dh tries to make sure they never go through what he did and fortunately that usually puts us on exactly the same page! :lol:

 

There are specific things I do quite differently than my parents, and I think the differences are usually tied to hot-buttons (after all, we do thing differently for a REASON, right?).

[gardenmom5]

big difference - my grandmother was *very* controlling, and my mother was an absolute pendulum from her. But I think there were other things going on with my mom as well that contributed to the pendulum.

 

My parenting has been very different.

[gaillardia]

My parents were way more lax with me too, youngest of five. I was the unplanned one.:lol: The next oldest sib is almost 5 years older than I am.

Yes, my parents even let my boyfriend move into the basement when he lost his job! Unheard of!!! I wasn't that fond of him by then and often wondered if they did that so that it wouldn't seem like such a tempting idea to have him as a boyfriend after all....:lol:

On the other hand, I don't let my kids date until they're 16, and they don't have their licenses then either. So, in some respects I am stricter than my parents were, but in other ways I am more lenient.

I support my kids' decisions about what they want to do with their lives instead of doubting them or trying to steer them.

I apologize to them when I know I've hurt their feelings or have been too sharp with them.

My father didn't talk to my siblings so much, and our mom was more like......not so strict. Dad worked nightshift and we didn't see him very much. It was almost like she was a single mom.

 

My sibs were growing up as pre-teens and teenagers in the time of Vietnam, rock and roll, rebellion, Woodstock, etc.

I could say things to my father that my sibs would have never said, sort of mouthy...

My kids don't mouth off to me or dh, which is really ...well, NICE!

I must say that in my early years as a parent, I wasn't like my mom. I was more uptight. I have mellowed considerably since my early days. These two younger dc seem more like...grandchildren!

[WiseOwlKnits]

My father was extremely physically and emotionally abusive. My mother was very hands-off. They both worked long hours outside the home (they owned their own business). My sister was the one who taught me nursery rhymes, helped me with homework, took me trick-or-treating, etc.

 

On the other hand, DH has never hit them (neither have I, FWIW). And I'm a SAHM. Our children are being raised to know that they are loved, they are smart, and that it's OK to make mistakes. They are showered with hugs, kisses, and cuddles...sometimes more than they'd like. :) Part of the reason we decided to homeschool was because we wanted our family to be connected and close.

 

So I'd say they're being raised completely and totally different from the way I was. And that makes me very happy.

[Bang!Zoom!]

I spent a LOT of time in the forest as a kid. Alone.

 

In canoes, boats. Me and a German Shepard, a fishing pole, no life jacket, barefoot, a knife tied to my left leg, out before dawn and home past dark. No one ever looked for me. Absolutely so wild. I could almost be called feral at points.

 

Best days of my life. Totally.

 

I look at my youngest daughter, I've been there every second of her life it seems. She's never experienced this sort of thing.

 

If I thought for ten minutes she was out doing the things I did as a kid...I'd faint where I stand.

 

One day...at college, I was in a writing class, and this poet was being read, first time I'd ever heard of her (I'd later become a huge fan, reading everything published)- her name is Mary Oliver.

 

Right at the end of the reading, I felt this wave of panic, I wanted to run out the door or burst into tears. I just fell "into" the deep space of what this verse said...well..means..or something.

 

This was my childhood in many ways.

 

 

Aunt Leaf

---

Needing one, I invented her -

the great-great-aunt dark as hickory

called Shining-Leaf, or Drifting-Cloud

or The-Beauty-of-the-Night.

 

Dear aunt, I'd call into the leaves,

and she'd rise up, like an old log in a pool,

and whisper in a language only the two of us knew

the word that meant follow,

 

and we'd travel

cheerful as birds

out of the dusty town and into the trees

where she would change us both into something quicker -

two foxes with black feet,

two snakes green as ribbons,

two shimmering fish - and all day we'd travel.

 

At day's end she'd leave me back at my own door

with the rest of my family,

who were kind, but solid as wood

and rarely wandered. While she,

old twist of feathers and birch bark,

would walk in circles wide as rain and then

float back

 

scattering the rags of twilight

on fluttering moth wings;

 

or she'd slouch from the barn like a gray opossum;

 

or she'd hang in the milky moonlight

burning like a medallion,

 

this bone dream, this friend I had to have,

this old woman made out of leaves.

[eternalknot]

I parent almost identically to the way in which I was parented.

 

In fact, my parents help to raise their grandchildren so ... even if I didn't, the kids are still getting a heavy does of my parents!

[duckens]

Well, for starters, (#1) I sure hope my kids don't go for 8 years of public school without a lunch.

 

btdt, and was told it was my fault. (That would be #2). I hope my kids learn how to take responsibility for THEIR PART. Not the whole thing, and not the part that is the adults' responsibility. For example, if my kid missed lunch, on a certain level, it would be natural consequences for her choices. If she missed several lunches...yeah, same thing. But 8 years???? Where were the adults?

 

#3 I hope my kids can come to me when they are afraid, and I can help them with it; rather than being in trouble for bothering mom and dad for having a bad dream, sad thoughts, or being afraid of the dark between the hours of 9pm and 7am. In the meantime, we co-sleep.

 

#4 Violence: We don't hit in our home, and we don't spank in our home. But when I was growing up, spanking was a punishment. The couple of times my brother blackened my eyes (for practicing piano) or broke a tooth of mine (he slammed me into the car because he wanted to sit in the front seat), it was implied that it was my fault.

 

#5 I tell my kids that it is my job to help them, if I can. I remember specific instances when my parents would not come when I called, even though 10 minutes earlier, they assured me they would help with specific job Z....I just needed to call after I finished the X and Y part.

 

#6 No religion, as opposed to 3 or 4 days of church events every week. Of course, Loverboy is Mormon, and I am not opposed to my children learning bible stories in context. But I am not the believer my parents are.

 

#7 I try to help my kids navigate the world of adults and children, and I step in when I see unfairness or unhappiness. This is so totally opposite from my parents' style of parenting. There are too many examples to list.

 

#8 Better sex ed. I'm 41 and I'm still waiting for "the sex talk" from my parents. Thank goodness I had a library card as a tween/teen!

 

Ultimately, many difficult things for me as a child stem from my inability to go to my parents for help/comfort/support/problem-solving/intervention/information/etc. It is an ongoing thread throughout my childhood.

 

If I fail at everything else as a parent, I hope that my children will know that they can come to me for help and support in any situation, and I will do my best to help them and not condemn them. (This is hard, because we all mirror our parents at times).

 

I remove my ego, and hope if they cannot come to me, they will go to their dad, a teacher, a doctor, or a friend's parent to get the help and support they need if I fail in this area as a parent.

 

I'm so lucky that I have Loverboy as a co-parent, who has a healthier paradigm of how this is supposed to work. Some days, I really feel out of my depth on these issues.

[Lily_Grace]

I don't know. I'll ask The Kid when he's all grown up. :D It's hard to tell when I'm looking from two different perspectives.

[Peela]

My parents were middle of the road, easy going, tending a little to the laissez faire. I was given a lot of freedom- more than my friends- but it came with trust and responsibility that my brother and I lived up to.

I think I am probably the pretty similar. However, I have a MUCH closer relationship to my kids and less of a "parent /child divide" than I had with my parents.

[eewaggie99]

Very much as my parents raised me except my mother was the breadwinner and I'm a SAHM. However, my impression of my parents is different from my siblings. Being the middle child, I got the best of my parents. The eldest had a very strict set of rules; the youngest could get away with anything (and did). My parents were just right for me.

[Heather in Neverland]

My parents trusted me way too much and let me "make my own decisions" at too young an age.

 

Yeah, with the decisions I made I am lucky to be alive, lucky I didn't get pregnant or contract a disease. :glare:

 

Their marriage was a total disaster and my mom was too depressed and trapped to parent effectively and my dad was a jerk.

 

The one thing my mom did well was make sure I got a college degree so I would never be "stuck" like she was.

 

I parent totally different than they did.

[NanceXToo]

I'm a lot more protective and I do a lot more things with them. And I homeschool them lol.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Very, very different. My father was pretty nonexistent, and my mother suffers from NPD. So, I'm hoping that I'm doing a better job. Time will tell.

[photomo]

Way different. I didn't get much parenting from her at all.

 

My mom was a single parent and worked 2 and 3 jobs my whole life to keep a roof over our head and food on the table. I appreciate her hard work however I don't have many memories of her as a parent growing up. Most of my memories growing up are of my grandparents who helped raise us while she worked.

They are the ones who helped with homework, took care of us when we were sick, went on field trips and so on.

 

She has a much much better job now and luckily gets to be very involved with her grandkids but it's hard for me some times to get advise from her on parenting because she really wasn't there.

[RainbowSprinkles]

Yes, I try very hard not to be like my mother. To this day she is still living a carefree teenage-y lifestyle.

 

I didn't have any rules, nothing was expected of me. I didn't get any encouragement for anything. She was too busy with herself.

 

She was married twice and after my stepfather left, things really went downhill. She would leave us at home alone for days at a time, and didn't care whether or not we had food, clean clothes, etc. She always dependent on other people to take care of everything and is still like that today.

 

So yeah, I'm trying very hard to not be like her. It's difficult sometimes, but I think I'm doing ok.

 

Now, my father... didn't meet him until I was 15. He is very different from my mother. He gave me rules, I was expected to do chores and get good grades. At the time, I didn't appreciate it at all, because it just wasn't what I was used to.

 

I think I'm probably more like my dad, even though I don't really know him.

[Parrothead]

Mom's exact words, "If you don't respect me, you'll at least fear me."

 

Yeah, I parent very differently. My goal is a healthy loving peaceful relationship with my dd.

[Janie Grace]

My mom (single mom) instilled a love for books, conversation and nature. I wish I was able to "slow down" the way she could (but she had 2, I have 5... my life is crazier). I love the time she spends with my kids in the garden and reading. However, she also controlled us with emotional freak-outs... yelling tirades, tears, guilt-trips. I don't want to be like that, and I don't think I am. I try to speak calmly and impose consequences rather than blame. However, I admit there are times when my nurture comes knocking and I lose it. I hate that because I remember how it feels.

 

My dad was distant, uninterested, emotionally unavailable. He was (is) brilliant and I always felt I somehow bored him. :( No, I don't parent that way at all. That said, time has mellowed him and awoken him to what matters. He grandparents WAY differently than he parented. Sometimes I have to blink away tears as I watch my kids enjoy what I missed from him.

[Slartibartfast]

We are so different it would be a typing burden to even begin.

[Momma2Many66]

I spent a LOT of time in the forest as a kid. Alone.

 

In canoes, boats. Me and a German Shepard, a fishing pole, no life jacket, barefoot, a knife tied to my left leg, out before dawn and home past dark. No one ever looked for me. Absolutely so wild. I could almost be called feral at points.

 

Best days of my life. Totally.

.

 

 

 

Substitute your German Shepard with a Bay Horse (that I rode and jumped totally bareback) and add in a bb gun and some muskrat traps and this was just like my childhood too.

 

I had no supervision at all. Nobody ever knew where I was or what I was doing and nobody cared. I was all alone and learned to be very independent from a very young age.

 

It was wonderful and it was awful. Alot of bad things happened to me because of no protection or supervision. Alot of wonderful things happened to me because I learned to trust myself and lean on only myself.

 

My parents were very into their own lives and really should NEVER have had kids. They were totaly hands off and really parented with complete indifference to us. When we had problems or troubles or needed advice, we were told to figure it out for ourselves. They wanted nothing to do with helping us. We were always seen as burdens or obstacles in their path to their own happiness.

 

My two brothers both ended up getting in trouble with the law repetively and doing time. I ended up pregnant and alone at 17 years old. When faced with a teenage pregnancy I decided then and there to be a different kind of parent to my child. I had a wonderful hippy neighbor who taught me about attachment parenting and breastfeeding and keeping your children close, secure and well loved. It is because of her that I am the mother I am to my own children today.

 

As a parent I am very "hands on". My kids are my everything. I take the job of parenting incredibly serious (hence homeschooling) and I give them 100% of me every.single.day. I go to bed each night exhausted and touched out, but satisfied that my kids are filled up with love, attention and security.

 

My oldest daughter is now 23, married and raising her first baby the same as I did her. Her child is thriving wonderfully !