What do you teach your daughters about their appearance with regard to makeup?

[melissel]

And to a lesser extent, hair and clothing. I mentioned in my other thread (in which I learned a great deal, thank you for that!) that part of what I'm struggling with is how to handle the issue of makeup and general appearance with my daughters. My parents didn't guide me in anything like that, and I struggled with issues many times because of it.

 

I said in my other thread:

 

I'm trying to straighten out how I want to convey all of this to my rapidly maturing daughters. When I say to them that I'm not ready to leave the house yet because I still have to put on my makeup, they say, "Forget that! Let's just go, you don't need it." Yet I feel better when I have it on. And then when they ask me when they can wear makeup, I tell them that little girls don't need makeup and that they are absolutely beautiful just the way they are. And they say, "Then why do YOU wear makeup?" :confused: How can I answer that? Adult women DO need makeup because they are NOT beautiful just the way they are? OK, makeup makes me look better, so I feel better. Therefore I feel uncomfortable about the face and features God/nature/whomever gave me and only feel better when I amend them? Or, I AM beautiful, but not beautiful ENOUGH? I'm having a very hard time with accepting that I have to teach them that they are beautiful enough now, but when they're older (maybe when they're 13!), that's when they finally get to be not beautiful enough to need makeup and such to feel better about themselves.

 

How do you handle this sort of issue with them? How do you explain why you (and others) use makeup without giving them the impression that women must amend/augment themselves to feel better about themselves, or that amending/augmenting themselves is THE way for women to feel better about themselves? It feels very much like a "do as I say, not as I do" thing.

 

What do you think?

[BakersDozen]

My dds have questioned me as to why I wear makeup yet encourage them to wait. Some things I've told them is that I am a very plain person...very, very plain. If I don't have makeup on I look sickly (no joke). My dds have been blessed with features that I would love to have (blue eyes/super dark brown eyes, blond hair/dark brown hair that my dd can sell it is that lovely, etc.). Basically, they really are lovely girls and I never was/will be. Thankfully they get confirmation of their looks from others outside our family so they have accepted my opinion of them so far.

 

I also tell them that once they start wearing makeup it may be very difficult for them to stop or accept how they look without it. We priced makeup (the good stuff, not the junk) and since they have to buy it with their own $ that was a good deterrent (they don't get an allowance so funds are limited).

 

I think the best thing thus far regarding the wearing of makeup has come not from me but from what they see happen to their friends who start. At first it is light makeup yet quickly becomes a "clown face" - dark eyeliner, gobs of eyeshadow, etc. These beautiful girls look like freaks (sorry, but that is my opinion ;)) and hide their beauty under a bunch of goop and glop. My dds have observed this for themselves and are wary of going that route.

 

I have not used God or anything like that in talking with my dds because I can't justify telling them that God made them beautiful so they don't need makeup even while I'm putting my own makeup on. I much prefer the "If the barn needs painting, then paint it!" phrase I heard years ago. Right now their "barns" do not need to be painted and perhaps my dds will choose to be content with their natural beauty. My barn needs painting, that's all there is to it (unless I want people to wonder what illness I have). :)

[snickelfritz]

I'll complicate things for you. My older dd (8) has a port wine stain on her face. What if she asks to wear makeup soon? Some start wearing thick, cover-up makeup much younger.

 

(No lectures about treatment, please. We are under the care of a birthmark center. They are experts. It lightens some, with treatment. It will always be very visible, without makeup.)

 

I don't have the answers for you and am curious what others will say.

[Pink Fairy]

I allow certain types of makeup at a certain age, although I don't wear it myself. I don't feel like makeup is a necessity, but it's great for special occasions. My 14yo has chosen to wear it a couple of times, but I suspect my 12yo will be a lot more interested. Different girls, very different personalities. We've discussed that makeup is meant to enhance, and that it can be overdone.

 

We talk about modesty in dress (keeping covered what should remain hidden), and our family standards with regard to dress. We enjoy clothes shopping and looking at catalogs together, and discussing what we like and what we don't. We watch hair videos on youtube (love cutegirlshairstyles), and play around with different looks. Overall, I feel pretty good about what I'm teaching my kids about appearance. It's definitely a lot more than what my own parents taught me.

[rieshy]

This came up a few years ago with mine. I don't wear much makeup, just lipstick/gloss and mascara. I explained that there are different societal expectations for clothing and makeup depending on your age.

 

For instance, if the girls go into the bank with me and wait while I take care of business and they are wearing ratty converse shoes, jeans, and t-shirts with their hair scraped back in a plain ponytail without makeup, they look fresh and simple. If I, at 44 yo, do the same, I would probably look sloppy and unprofessional. Or at the least tired and cranky.

 

Not helpful if I want to disput a bill.

 

If instead I have on jeans, a slightly nicer T, and sandals with a touch of lipgloss and my hair looking nice I find that I am treated with more respect.

 

Whenever I have to deal with medical professionals or my husband's business contacts I get even more dressed up.

[AvasMom]

This came up a few years ago with mine. I don't wear much makeup, just lipstick/gloss and mascara. I explained that there are different societal expectations for clothing and makeup depending on your age.

 

For instance, if the girls go into the bank with me and wait while I take care of business and they are wearing ratty converse shoes, jeans, and t-shirts with their hair scraped back in a plain ponytail without makeup, they look fresh and simple. If I, at 44 yo, do the same, I would probably look sloppy and unprofessional. Or at the least tired and cranky.

 

Not helpful if I want to disput a bill.

 

If instead I have on jeans, a slightly nicer T, and sandals with a touch of lipgloss and my hair looking nice I find that I am treated with more respect.

 

Whenever I have to deal with medical professionals or my husband's business contacts I get even more dressed up.

 

Just curious why "without make-up" seems to be a packaged deal with sloppiness. I find that interesting. I don't wear make-up and neither does my daughter so this idea baffles me. Make-up really is inconsequential to being dressed up and polished or not.

[Ali in OR]

Can you just move to Oregon?

 

I think a lot of women here just go with their natural look. I might wear make-up (eye liner and mascara only) to church occasionally, or for the rare date, but mostly I don't wear make-up. And I think I'm pretty typical around here. Stay healthy, keep fit, be clean--that's attractive. My girls know that make-up is fun for ballet recitals (to make your face visible on stage) or that we put special effort into our appearance for special occasions, but for everyday life, you don't need make-up. If your girls want to get out the door to do something fun, don't stop to put on make-up. Just get out and live life. That's pretty standard Oregon behavior. Especially if the sun is shining!

[Caterpiller]

Well, I do let my daughter wear make up... and she is 5. :lol: I put chap stick or light powder on her and perfume. I don't do it because she needs it, but when she see's me wear it she wants to wear it too. I have previously put eye shadow on her or lip stick just for fun as well (but I don't let her leave the house that way unless its theatrical because she is pretending to be a pony or something and its obvious that its for play... for example when I put blue eye shadow all over her face so she could be rainbow dash. XD) Usually when we do eye shadow she only THINKS she is getting it, and really she isn't. lol She knows that she is beautiful and God made her. I tell her that make up is just a special fun thing that only the girls get to do. Just another way God made us special. She only wears it when I do, which is maybe once a week at the most. lol :)

Edited August 15, 2011 by Caterpiller

[rieshy]

Just curious why "without make-up" seems to be a packaged deal with sloppiness. I find that interesting. I don't wear make-up and neither does my daughter so this idea baffles me. Make-up really is inconsequential to being dressed up and polished or not.

 

Don't take what I said out of context. I don't view other women as sloppy if they are without makeup. I was repeating a conversation that I had with my girls about why I put on lipgloss on the way to the bank.

 

I get an average of only 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night. I tend to need some color, plus I live in the South.:)

[Dustybug]

I rarely wear makeup myself, and even when I do it's not much. I never wore makeup until I was over 18, and that was a personal choice, not a parental restriction. I just plan on leading by example. When the time comes for my DDs to be old enough, I want to teach them that makeup is okay to enhance your look occasionally, but should not become a crutch that they depend on to look "beautiful." Makeup does not equate beauty.

[ChristusG]

My daughters are young yet, but I've already planned how I will answer them. I don't believe in gobbing on make up. I wear very light make up. Only foundation to cover bumps and smooth out skin tones....but I mostly use it for bumps. If I'm having a very clear day (with regards to my face) I'll often skip make up. And sometimes I'll put on a clear or pink tinted lip gloss. But that's it.

 

My girls will not be allowed to wear make up for a while yet. If they ask me why I do, I will tell them that sometimes, as we get older, our skin tones are off a bit and you get bumps. When that happens, we'll see about getting you something to cover them. But God created us how we are, and we do not need to add lots of make up in order to boost our appearance.

[momofkhm]

How do you handle this sort of issue with them? How do you explain why you (and others) use makeup without giving them the impression that women must amend/augment themselves to feel better about themselves, or that amending/augmenting themselves is THE way for women to feel better about themselves? It feels very much like a "do as I say, not as I do" thing.

 

What do you think?

 

I read your question earlier and just now came back with an answer. We have ages for different things. Not written in stone necessarily, but guidelines. So you don't let them wear makeup now. Do you let them wear earrings? What about high heels? What about miniskirts? What about ...? What about certain movies? What about certain books?

 

They aren't old enough yet for some of those things. That's how I would approach it.

 

When I looked the first time, I thought you were going to ask a different question to which the answer is: People should never look at you and say "wow! Your make-up looks nice today!" They should look at you and say "You look nice today, what's different?"

[YLVD]

And to a lesser extent, hair and clothing. I mentioned in my other thread (in which I learned a great deal, thank you for that!) that part of what I'm struggling with is how to handle the issue of makeup and general appearance with my daughters. My parents didn't guide me in anything like that, and I struggled with issues many times because of it.

 

I said in my other thread:

 

 

 

How do you handle this sort of issue with them? How do you explain why you (and others) use makeup without giving them the impression that women must amend/augment themselves to feel better about themselves, or that amending/augmenting themselves is THE way for women to feel better about themselves? It feels very much like a "do as I say, not as I do" thing.

 

What do you think?

 

I'm fine with makeup. But I have a teen DD that isn't really into wearing it. She lucked out with gorgeous olive skin and lips and eye that don't really need much to be defined. She's part Asian, on her dad's side. She always tells me that I don't need makeup, which is sweet. However, I am very pale with unpigmented lips and just undefined features in general. Without a bit of color, people start to ask if I'm sick!

 

I did want to make sure that she got real instruction with regards to makeup and not just from me. For her 15th birthday earlier this year, part of her present was a visit to the Aveda salon for a light makeup instruction. It was fun.

 

On a daily basis, she may wear Aveda tinted moisturizer and mascara. I'd be fine with whatever, as long as she reasonably knew how to apply it.

 

Part of the process of her wearing makeup was for her to learn about skin care, removing the makeup, etc. My DD has extremely dry skin. I have oily skin and wasn't sure how to care for her skin. I got some good products for her skin and part of her lesson at Aveda was proper makeup removal.

Edited August 15, 2011 by YLVD

[Kim in Appalachia]

I mean, when my dd was entering 9th grade I told her she could start wearing make-up. My sister took her to Sephora and they had fun. Make-up has been a non-issue. Both girls know that it's ok to wear it or not wear it. We have friends that never wear make-up and friends who always do, some dye their hair, some do not. They see it as a personal choice and whatever the choice it's ok. Make-up is an accessory, not a necessity.

[6packofun]

I teach my daughters to let their natural beauty shine through AND to judiciously use any good products to minimize flaws that make them feel self-conscious.

 

My dds will/can occasionally wear:

 

cover-up and/or foundation to hide blemishes or even out skin tone if that bothers them (I grew up with a dad who would often say, "Are you going to cover that??" while pointing out a zit and it made me feel horrible, like I HAD to wear make-up. I know my girls never feel they have to!)

 

a natural blush if they feel that they look too pale because we avoid the sun a lot to keep our skin healthy (but they still have their mother's acne-prone complexion, poor things, lol)

 

brown mascara to match their brows IF they feel their eyelashes are too light (I'm blonde and my eyelashes are not plentiful AND are pale, so it's like I don't even have any)

 

My girls are modest, never vain that I've seen, and I think that the few times they want to wear make-up it's to look their *best*, not because they care about the world's standards or anything like that. I'm very proud of their attitudes about how they look. :) (I'd be OK with my tomboy caring a tad MORE about her looks, quite honestly! LOL)

[Julie Smith]

I'll complicate things for you. My older dd (8) has a port wine stain on her face. What if she asks to wear makeup soon? Some start wearing thick, cover-up makeup much younger.

 

(No lectures about treatment, please. We are under the care of a birthmark center. They are experts. It lightens some, with treatment. It will always be very visible, without makeup.)

 

I don't have the answers for you and am curious what others will say.

 

That is hard to deal with. :grouphug:

 

(I know nothing about the treatments for such things. My son has a port wine stain but it's not to dark, and it's on his leg. The only problem it caused was when he was a baby lots of strangers would lecture me about letting him get so cold because his leg was purple-ish. - middle of summer mind you. But. :glare:)

[UnsinkableKristen]

For starters, our girls aren't allowed to wear make-up until they are 16. It is a completely arbitrary age, but also the age I was allowed to wear make up and the age my mom was allowed to wear make up :). I am okay with chapstick/lip gloss until then, but nothing else unless there is a good reason (super special occasion, particularly bad acne that they are embarrassed about, etc). We need time to get used to our faces before we start playing all over them with paint and potions :D

 

I just repeat over and over "God made you exactly perfect. There is no need for makeup unless you just want to wear it. There is nothing wrong with your skin, with your eyes, with your hair, or with your body. You are made exactly right to be exactly who you are and so is everyone else. If you want to wear make up (fix your hair, wear those clothes) because YOU like it and YOU enjoy it, then knock yourself out and let's go shopping at Sephora."

 

I am completely pleased with how I look without make up. I do not look like a model, but I look like myself and I happen to like myself. I will not let my girls believe any different about themselves. They look EXACTLY how they are supposed to look. Make up, clothes, jewelry, and hair stuff is all cute and fun to play with but no one NEEDS them.

 

Everyone looks exactly right just the way they were made. Even if that is different than everyone else.

 

And for the record, I feel the same way about plastic surgery. I will rock my stretchmarked tummy and saggy boobs until I die, because I got them being awesome. But if someone else just WANTS to get a boob job because she's tired of foot long boobs, then have at it and enjoy the perky fruits. I will tell my girls the same thing :)

[Abigail4476]

I've always told mine that they don't need it, except maybe to cover up the occasional zit. However, we let them wear a little starting at about 13--in reasonable amounts. We don't allow anything that doesn't look natural--that's just our preference. (No blue/green eyeshadow, no bright lipstick, etc.) Bare skin is really healthier skin, IMO, so I try to encourage them to skip foundation or any heavy application that might clog pores. Clean skin, moisturize, wear a little sunscreen. Beyond that, if they want to wear lip gloss or some mascara, that's fine with me. My dd15 doesn't wear any makeup at all; dd13 wears mascara and uses concealer.

 

If they had lots of zits or skin issues prior to age 13, I would have allowed them to use concealer because there's no reason for them to walk around embarrassed about their appearance. Fortunately, skin issues have been minimal so far. If any major breakouts occur in the future, it will result in a trip to a dermatologist.

 

My girls have been allowed to *play* with makeup since they were little--but they have to wash their face when they're finished.

 

I don't associate wearing a lot of make-up with being dressed up.

[Abigail4476]

For starters, our girls aren't allowed to wear make-up until they are 16. It is a completely arbitrary age, but also the age I was allowed to wear make up and the age my mom was allowed to wear make up :). I am okay with chapstick/lip gloss until then, but nothing else unless there is a good reason (super special occasion, particularly bad acne that they are embarrassed about, etc). We need time to get used to our faces before we start playing all over them with paint and potions :D

 

I just repeat over and over "God made you exactly perfect. There is no need for makeup unless you just want to wear it. There is nothing wrong with your skin, with your eyes, with your hair, or with your body. You are made exactly right to be exactly who you are and so is everyone else. If you want to wear make up (fix your hair, wear those clothes) because YOU like it and YOU enjoy it, then knock yourself out and let's go shopping at Sephora."

 

I am completely pleased with how I look without make up. I do not look like a model, but I look like myself and I happen to like myself. I will not let my girls believe any different about themselves. They look EXACTLY how they are supposed to look. Make up, clothes, jewelry, and hair stuff is all cute and fun to play with but no one NEEDS them.

 

Everyone looks exactly right just the way they were made. Even if that is different than everyone else.

 

And for the record, I feel the same way about plastic surgery. I will rock my stretchmarked tummy and saggy boobs until I die, because I got them being awesome. But if someone else just WANTS to get a boob job because she's tired of foot long boobs, then have at it and enjoy the perky fruits. I will tell my girls the same thing :)

 

:iagree: Great post.

[Abigail4476]

I'll complicate things for you. My older dd (8) has a port wine stain on her face. What if she asks to wear makeup soon? Some start wearing thick, cover-up makeup much younger.

 

(No lectures about treatment, please. We are under the care of a birthmark center. They are experts. It lightens some, with treatment. It will always be very visible, without makeup.)

 

I don't have the answers for you and am curious what others will say.

 

Hmmmm...I think I would allow it if your daughter requested to have it covered, but I wouldn't want to initiate the idea.

 

I wouldn't want my daughter to feel self-conscious about something that maybe didn't bother her until it was brought to her attention. I have a friend who has a large port wine stain that covers almost half her face. She doesn't conceal it at all, probably because it's a lot of trouble and her friends don't really care or notice. I would let it be my kid's decision.

[momma aimee]

what I say to my God-daughters and neices: "God made you look the way you do and it is just perfect." and "adult women some times wear a little make up to feel special like at a wedding, but it is jsut like wearing fancy shoes to a party, it is jsut for fun".

 

If / when we have girls -- there will be excate rules about when and what they can wear.

 

also -- I feel a real obligation as the mother of boys to be careful what i teach THEM (boys) about how females view themselves. I, personally, do not want my boys dating or marrying a girl that thinks she has to be picture perfect all the time to be lovable or accepted.

 

UnsinkableKristen -- GREAT post.

[Night Elf]

Well, not to alarm you because my experience won't be everyone else's experience, but I understood the little girl -- big girl thing to be about boys. My parents divorced when I was 4 years old so I didn't see how married people interact. My mom called wearing makeup 'putting on her face' so she would look good to other people. She wore it to work and on dates, but never just around the house. When my sister started wearing makeup, she was old enough for a boyfriend so again, makeup = attracting a guy. That was the only reason I wanted to wear makeup. I begged to wear makeup when I was 13 because there was this boy I liked and I knew I needed makeup so he would like me too. I had to wait until I was 15. I liked wearing it because it made me feel attractive. And then I got married when I was 19 and I stopped wearing makeup because I had a husband and had no need to continue wearing it. :D

 

I really, really hate wearing makeup. I tried wearing it when I worked in a business office and had to visit clients (insurance companies) and it always felt terrible. I couldn't wait to get home and take it off! I spent over a thousand dollars easily on every top name brand trying to find the one that would feel natural. The one I liked best was Clinique but it certainly never felt natural. I finally stopped trying and no one at work ever said anything.

 

I let my daughters wear makeup but they know it's perfectly fine to not wear it too. My dd13 likes to wear mascara and a little eyeliner because her lashes are blonde like mine. But she hates the feel of the other stuff.

[Denisemomof4]

I'll complicate things for you. My older dd (8) has a port wine stain on her face. What if she asks to wear makeup soon? Some start wearing thick, cover-up makeup much younger.

 

(No lectures about treatment, please. We are under the care of a birthmark center. They are experts. It lightens some, with treatment. It will always be very visible, without makeup.)

 

I don't have the answers for you and am curious what others will say.

 

I would allow her to cover it up if it embarrassed you. I wouldn't bring attention to it, just follow her lead.

 

Ds19 has a large "mole" on his leg. It's grown as he's grown. It's totally flat on the surface but dark brown. As he got hairy, the mole grew a ton of hair. I think he's now self conscious of it. Having the surgery to remove it was always his choice to make. So far he hasn't had it done. I wish he would, though, just because it's so uneven that it'd be exceptionally hard to tell if there were ever any changes in it. The dr. also told him there's a risk it could turn to cancer. But he's 19 and it's up to him.

 

as for dd11, she'd probably wear a very pale eye shadow, a touch of blush, and tinted lip gloss outside the house if I'd let her. I won't. She can wear tinted lip gloss on very special occasions. SOMETIMES during the winter if she's exceptionally pale and we're going out, I will allow a touch of blush. This is very rare. She sometimes gets these dark bags under her eyes, VERY dark as in people will question if she's had a black eye. Ds19 had this when he was youger, too, and he outgrew it. We were told their skin is VERY thin (dd11's skin is SO think that you see many, many of her veins!) and the dark bags were allergy related. I believe it. Anyway, when those are bad I will use a concealer on her.

 

Other than that, I tell her she has BEAUTIFUL skin (she does) and that she's gorgeous without make-up.

 

When she's 13, if she wants a touch of blush and colored gloss, not too dark, I'll be ok with that. That's only a year away for me! :svengo:

 

She has her own personal style with clothing. She's modest but sometimes really likes something that doesn't cover enough and I won't allow it. FOr the most part, though, I am so happy with what she loves to wear. She's QUITE fashionable for a girl her age!!!

[ktgrok]

I will tell my daughter some day that make up is fun, like clothes can be fun. But not needed and it doesn't make you look any prettier. It just makes you look different.

[The Girls' Mom]

I don't wear make up. I used to occasionally, but I've pretty much stopped. I feel and look better without it, IMO. I'm also a jeans and t-shirt gal 90% of the time. I do, however, try to keep my t-shirts up to date. My hair is crazy.

 

I have 3 daughters. They are beautiful and don't need help to get that way. We've talked about make up and why people wear it. They all pretty much agree that they feel no need to alter their appearance. I have one that does like to wear lipstick occasionally, and that's fine. I've drummed into their heads the importance of NOT using make up to try to make a new face. It's just to enhance what you have, if you choose to go that route.

 

Hair, I'm pretty lax about that too. My requirements are clean and groomed. My oldest has a super short pixie and likes to wear hats all the time. One of my twins likes hers long, and one is like me and can't decide what she likes. They all enjoy "playing" with hairstyles. I think my oldest just realized that she can look tired and frumpy (hats and unbrushed hair) or cute and funky (spiked out hair-do with spray)...and is choosing more often to go for cute.

 

Clothes are a constant source of contention between my oldest and I. She dresses just like her frumpy 60 year old grandma. :lol: I'm trying to get her to realize that just wearing a shirt younger than she is, and that has a feminine cut to it works wonders. And that half the clothes she chooses to wear make her look uncared for and overweight (which she isn't) She is getting there. My twins...they have better fashion sense than I ever had and I rarely have to discuss it with them.