s/o Have *you* changed

[Pamela H in Texas]

Jennifer (SnowWhite) said:

I expected his character, beliefs, convictions, habits, hobbies, interests, values and personality to stay the same.

 

I have to say that I'm quite surprised by how many people stated this sentiment to some degree or another. I would have said that I expected these and plenty more to change in the 20 years we've been together. And I still do. And I sure would hope he said the same. I have changed VERY much in many of these areas.

 

Seriously, have you changed in any of these things?

 

Character? As a Christian, I believe I'm to continously strive for better living of the fruitage of the spirit. Since I was a Christian only in the sense of "Of course I believe in God and that Jesus died for our sins" when we got together, as I took to Biblically-based faith, of course, I've grown considerably in these areas. I'm also much more mindful of where I fall short. Sure, some things are very much the same; but most things have grown considerably.

 

Beliefs? Well, again, there is the above now that I believe there is a truth that must be strived for. But there are others. For example, how much clue did I have about parenting or parenting philosophies? How much does any young adult? But those things develop over time. Mine have changed even more more recently. I couldn't even guess I'd end up where I did when I was 22 or 32 or now.

 

Habits, Hobbies, Interests? I so can't imagine those things NOT changing. I think of my mom for these things as I've seen her grow from age 20 to now 55. She's gone through a billion diets and philosophies of eating (such as vegetarianism). She went from being a home day care provider to a girl scout leader to a single non-custodial parent to a full time student to a full time employee. She's gone from one art to another over time (ceramics to doll restoration to button collecting). Of course, most of the people on this board didn't have an interest in homeschooling at some point in the past and yet we all have gotten more so over the years. For some of us it is a passion. For some of us, it has included years and years and years of research, figuring, etc. Some of us are still tweaking after over a decade of teaching our own. But again, most of us started out with very little inkling, even a distaste for the idea. And how many of us had a computer when we married (okay, I did, but....)? How many had a board addiction? :lol: And we may have gone from a general save the whales mentality to either forgetting the whole thing or taking it deeply to another level.

 

Personality? Doesn't that change with age, information, experience, etc? And shouldn't it? And maybe we should actively be working on it like I mentioned when talking about the "new personality" of walking in faith? And then I guess I've known so many old and sick people. My grandfather is nowhere near the man he was 35 years ago. Though my mother-in-law was alive the first 5 years of my marriage, I never knew her; she wasn't her anymore by then. A close online friend spiraled downward and then to a different existence altogether. The person she was in 2002 was so incredible. The person she was in 2008 couldn't come close. She lost herself though she did much the same kinds of things to the ability she was capable. And pain can do a number of someone. So can finally living without a great deal of it. So can divorce. So can losing faith. So can....you get the point. I think of the changes in some of the people on this board even. I like some of the changes. One of them grates on my last nerve. Most are inbetween :)

 

Well, I missed some but this is already so long.

 

*I* have changed a great deal in ALL the above areas over the past many years. I am not who I was 4 or 14 or 24 or even 34. Not even close. Thankfully (mostly).

Edited August 12, 2011 by 2J5M9K

[Denisemomof4]

I almost started this poll myself. It's said that women marry WANTING to change their dh, men hoping their women don't. So after the last poll I really wanted to see what women thought about the level of change in themselves.

 

I have changed a TON, and thankfully most of it is for the good. Dh married a damaged, fearful, angry person. I've become very level headed, able to control feelings/emotions for the most part, etc. I've MELLOWED.

 

Until my head injury a month ago. I hope and pray my angry outbursts, infrequent as they are but painful for me and my family nonetheless, go away. PLEASE.

[Impish]

I've changed a LOT.

 

I went from being a single mom for over a decade to being married.

We had 2 more children.

I became disabled.

I strongly committed to being Christian.

 

Lots of changes.

[Desert Rat]

I voted "a lot". I'd like to think for the better. I used to have a quick temper. Now it's more of a slow burn and I am able to handle it better. I'm more giving, less selfish. I've worked very hard to change aspects of myself that I didn't like.

I've gained 15 pounds, my hair is shorter and I don't wear tiedyed hippie skirts anymore (although there is still a dead head inside this soccer mom, also a goth chick but that's another story...).

I have different hobbies and went from an undetermined religious person to a full atheist.

Hmm...I like who I am but couldn't have gotten here without who I was.

[Sahamamama]

I just asked my husband, "How have I changed since we were married?"

 

His answer, "Darling, you are still the same wonderful person I met those years ago."

 

:lol: What does he want? :glare:

[Sahamamama]

I almost started this poll myself. It's said that women marry WANTING to change their dh, men hoping their women don't. So after the last poll I really wanted to see what women thought about the level of change in themselves.

 

:iagree:Denise, I've never heard it put this way, but that does seem to hit the mark. Now that I think about it, I do think that many women try to calculate how much "good raw material" they have in a man before marriage. And how much work it'll take to get him to great husband status. :D

[Denisemomof4]

 

:lol: What does he want? :glare:

 

Yes, what does he want? What an idiot.

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[mommaduck]

I asked DH and his reply is, "I hate questions like that. Human beings aren't as simplistic as that."

[Parrothead]

I've changed a lot.

[BigMamaBird]

I voted that I"ve changed a lot. But in my opinion, it's been for the better. We met as teens, dated throughout college and married very young. I've grown and matured and become a better person as I've grown older.

 

Of course, I don't look like a cute little 19 year old anymore, but I've developed a personal style and put a lot more though into my looks than I did then. I don't go all out, but I relished the "grunge phase" of the 90's and now I'm a well put together Mom. Nothing fancy, minimal make-up, but a nice haircut and I put thought into outfits, rather than running around looking like a lumberjack.

[Joker]

I've changed a lot. I was a carefree 21 yr old. Three months after our first daughter was born my dad and brother died and I changed. We were both working and had our dd in daycare but suddenly I couldn't stomach leaving her. Neither could dh. Our priorities and some of our beliefs changed. I also went from being one of the most optimistic people ever to being quite pessimistic. I've become a little better in the outlook department but I'm nowhere near who I was and I don't think I ever will be. My hobbies and interests changed as well with the change in ideas about work and home. Our political beliefs completely went in another direction which I didn't see coming but it's made for fun conversations. I am fortunate that my dh changed with me.

[LibraryLover]

I am more relaxed about certain things at the same time I am more anxious about certain things.

 

I appreciate more the work my dh does to support us well. I used to complain more about him working 'too much." Now, I can see he was just trying to provide well for us, and it has paid off. I wish I could take back all angry words I ever said about him being a 'workaholic'. He's just not. He is now where he can work at home often, not have anyone breathing down his neck, and has total aoutonomy to do what he needs to do. He worked like a dog to have flexibility now. I was too immature to see his plan then. He was never immature.

 

I have apologized for my bad attitude back then.

 

On the physical front, well, we're 23+ years older. :)

[Impish]

:iagree:Denise, I've never heard it put this way, but that does seem to hit the mark. Now that I think about it, I do think that many women try to calculate how much "good raw material" they have in a man before marriage. And how much work it'll take to get him to great husband status. :D

I totally disagree. Spouses are not home improvement projects.

[Hoggirl]

men hoping their women don't.

 

See? This is why I asked about this in the other thread! :lol:

 

I used to be nicer. :tongue_smilie:

[Sahamamama]

Yes, what does he want? What an idiot.

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

Wait. Did you just call my husband an idiot?

 

Them's fightin' words, Denise. Take it back. :boxing_smiley:

[Sahamamama]

I totally disagree. Spouses are not home improvement projects.

 

Oh, I agree that they should not be thought of that way, I was just agreeing with Denise that I think a lot of people do see it that way.

[NicAnn]

I have changed SO much. I also found a new religion (same as yours Pamela, if I recall from another thread. :)) And that belief changed a lot of my attitudes, opinions, style of dressing.

 

If people knew me 10 years ago...even 5 years ago, I don't think they'd know who I was.

 

And as for changing men- I had many friends at a recent Mom's Night Out that went on and on about how they had their husband "trained" or had rid him of some certain fault or habit. It really was as though they were talking about dogs. :(

[swellmomma]

I have changed A LOT, I would like to think it has been for the better. While some parts of who I am are the same from back when I first met my xh, much more of me has changed as I have grown and matured.

[Jennifer3141]

I have changed a TON.

 

I became an atheist - DH already was one but became slightly more strident about it.

 

We both became parents together and drastically changed how/what we thought about that entire parenting process thingie-ma-jig.

 

I found farming and all the work that entails.

 

I am way more independent than I was even before we married. DH has encouraged that.

 

I've changed quite a bit. DH hasn't changed at all. Except for falling totally in love with his kids.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I had many friends at a recent Mom's Night Out that went on and on about how they had their husband "trained" or had rid him of some certain fault or habit.

 

Well....most of the changes hubby has made has been his. I may be part of it in that he loved me so wanted to or something, but....

 

But...My hubby used to say "brung." Need I say more? LOL

 

Just kidding...kinda. I can't imagine trying to change multiple things or big things.

[MeaganS]

I voted "A Lot" and we've only been married 5 years (and I'm only 25 years old). I can admit that there were a lot of aspects of my husband that I hoped would change, and many of them have and I trust that he will continue to change for the better. I've also grown a lot as a person, especially in my perspective. Before I was married, I didn't realize it, but I often identified myself with my mother. After I got married, I had to let that go and realize that I am a different person than my mother and that I have some different opinions and perspectives. I think I have grown a lot for the better as well, although I still have a long way to go before I'm exactly who I want to be. Even my idea of who I want to be is probably going to continue to change!

[MeaganS]

:iagree:Denise, I've never heard it put this way, but that does seem to hit the mark. Now that I think about it, I do think that many women try to calculate how much "good raw material" they have in a man before marriage. And how much work it'll take to get him to great husband status. :D

 

My sister just got engaged to a young man she's been dating for several years. She once jokingly told me that she was committed to him because, "I already put in so much work to getting him just how I like him, why would I want to start over with someone else?"

[Aubrey]

I expected his character, beliefs, convictions, habits, hobbies, interests, values and personality to stay the same.

 

I don't even know how to answer this!

 

Character: if you mean things like honesty & integrity, nope. But that part of me has been the same since I was a kid.

 

Beliefs: I'm a Christian, & I pretty much always have been, but the way I look at things has changed as much as that definition will allow. Well...maybe not THAT much, but enough that if our relationship didn't have some elasticity, that could have been enough to end it.

 

Convictions: Generally the same, but I'm more convicted about things like grace than I used to be about...well, things I see as details now.

 

Habits: Yeah, these have probably changed *some* but not enough to come as any kind of surprise. He still takes 4 hrs to wake up in the mornings, & I still see things that take 30 min as taking 4 hrs. :lol:

 

Hobbies: I like scrapbooking. Something I'd always wanted to do but had never had the $ or subject matter to warrant it. Why would he care?

 

Interests: Until I started writing this hist curric, no. I have a pretty narrow range of interests. However...something about this new endeavor has opened up a new way of learning things for me. Since there's not a research paper as a final product, but the final product is instead of my own making--it's like I'm free to explore things on MY terms for the first time, & I'm interested in the most BORING of things. Dh thinks it's awesome. And then...kind-of boring. :lol: I mean, really, only so many date nights can be devoted to the geography of Africa. :001_huh:

 

Values: I'd say the same. I mean, when I suggested turning to a life of crime, I was joking.

 

Personality: Well, I don't think he saw it coming before we were married. I wore pearl necklaces & pleated skirts. The wicked, inappropriate sense of humor was a surprise. But SINCE we've been married & he's seen it...it hasn't changed. ;)

[Peela]

Dh and I have both changed a lot and both support each other to change and be ourselves as much as we can. We dont want to be each other's prisoner or controller- we want to provide support for each other to follow our heart's desire.

[littleWMN]

Well....most of the changes hubby has made has been his. I may be part of it in that he loved me so wanted to or something, but....

 

But...My hubby used to say "brung." Need I say more? LOL

 

Just kidding...kinda. I can't imagine trying to change multiple things or big things.

 

Hahahahaha, I just laughed out loud. My 6 year old says "brong". Drives me NUTS. I think that's why she does it. :tongue_smilie:

 

And yes.... over 12 years of marriages, I've changed a LOT. My beliefs and convictions remain the same (with some minor changes), but I'm not the person I was 12 years ago. I think that's mostly a good thing. Life changes you. We've been through job losses, moves, miscarriages, foster kids, adoptions, failed adoptions, depression, illnesses, a death of a parent, a seriously ill sibling, a special needs child, racism, and estrangement from some family. Yeah... I'm not the same. Neither is he. We've both grown up a lot.