TracyR Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 Ugh, this is a vent and I need to vent. This evening I took my daughters to the Y to go swimming and my motherh in law was there with my niece and nephew that are visiting right now for summer vacation. Anyways while we were in the pool she begins to ask me how much the price would be for them to go to the private school they went to this year. We let them give school a try last year because we had the opportunity to. But this year we just can't afford it because my youngest will have surgery next summer that will require us to travel out of town for, and we need to save every single penny we have. I told her and she said she would help us pay for it but I declined. For one there are always strings attached and really I rather would gnaw off my own leg then to ask them for money. Then she proceeds to tell me " How can I do this to them , that its awful that I wouldn't let them go back to school." 1. My girls are okay with this. My oldest can't go back because the school is no longer having their 7th and 8th grades and my youngest has health problems and last year I was a prisioner in my own home because even though we had a nurse, I had to fight the insurance company to get the services and she could only be there twice a day. Meaning she came and left, came and left. she didn't stay so if my daughter had an accident I was the one being called. She got sick quite a bit and I was called to come get her. I literally could not go anywhere without coming home and finding the light blinking on my phone and it was the school, or literally having the school call the exact moment my foot hit the door of the house. 2. My girls are okay with this. My middle two liked school but not enough to want to go back. They are fine with it. They hold no resentment and they know we need to do what we need to do for their baby sister. That has been the great thing about my girls. They love their little sister to death and want her to be healthy. They have never held a grudge nor have ever have been jealous of her. So I'm not even worried about that. I feel like she is just trying to control us because they want my daughter to go to the high school. They figure if they get the other ones in school that I would put my oldest at the high school and its NOT going to happen. We do not live in a good school district , period. They attended the private school because we had the opportunity to. The priest at the school is leaving this year so the tuition has gone up and we just aren't able to afford it. Do you see a theme here? She goes on to say how they were behind. I said to her how were they behind? Because my then 7yr old was put in 1st grade( which was a terrible injustice to her by the way). I had been promised she would be moved up but she never was. She never got the speech therapy she needed either all year and I never found out about it until the end of the year!! My oldest struggled with the math because they used Saxon and her brain does not think this way. Period. But she was not behind. They put her in 6th grade because of the math!! Ugh. But in all actuality she did 6th and 7th grade work this year so she's right where she should be. So she wasn't behind either. My 11 yr old struggled but she has always been that way. She had seizures as a young baby and it did affect her short term memory. She works best one on one period. I knew that but she wanted to give school a try. But she wasn't behind either. Actually they were heads up at times when it came to certain things. My now 8yr old was tested by the school district because the teacher thought there had to be something wrong. My 8yr old has some mild CP but extremely mild, it affects her speech and leg muscles but she is smart as a WHIP. She recieved 2nd honors all year. She scored a 93/100 on the school districts test and was deemed just fine. My 11 yr old scored an 83 but I expected it and it was no surprise. I went on to tell my mother in law they were not behind. The school used a different curriculum. There are tons and tons of curricula out there and they all teach different things at different times. Plus I'll admit the teachers have had many more years experience then I ever had teaching. She goes on to sound like I've been torturing my children by homeschooling them. I told her if she wanted to she could help us pay for the upcoming curriculum that I'll be using this year and she shut right up. So instead of supporting us in that fashion she would only do it if I sent them to school. Only to tell me that I'd be happier if I got out of the house and had a job. Ugh.:001_huh: I guess I don't have enough responsibilty to take care of 4 children one who has medical needs that require me to use medical equipment with. I told her no. I'm happy teaching my children. That it was a waste of money for me to send them to school only to have to reteach them everything at home. Which I did. I was repeatedly asked by their teachers to teach them this that and the other at home , so really what the heck was the point? I can happily say that I taught my 4 yr old how to read thank you very much. Her preK teacher was actually mad that I did. I've taught them all how to read, not to mention I taught my youngest sister as a child to read too. LOL I have worked outside of the home and nothing that I did ever came close to giving me the happiness to teach my children. I just find it revolting that she would tell me what would make me happy. I continued to tell her no thank you. That if we wanted them to go we would pay for it ourself. If you've read this far , thank you. I just wish I could have some family support with this. I don't know of anyone who told them how to live their lives and what to do with their children. Not to mention a few weeks before my fil told me I was babying my daughter by homeschooling her and not letting her go to the high school. Well if I wanted their opinion I would ask for it. Trust me I don't want it. I love my husband but their brand of child raising left him with many scars that he's trying to work through. I don't feel like doing that to my own children to please them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 Ewww. sorry :( Give 'em a hug and tell them that you'll think about it later. Ask them if they'd like to save that money for college, as your children will need the help...then. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 I do feel for you, but there are times you don't get the validation you want, you go by faith, and you are rewarded.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: For what it's worth, my MIL was very anit home schooling and she made a lot of these "appeals" and my response was the same as yours. I answered the parts I felt were legit and dropped the others back in her lap. She serious mistakes that almost ruined dh's life and wanted me to validate her by making the same choices. Um, I don't think so... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 Last time my MIL tried that on her dear boy (note, my kids aren't even school aged yet!) he told her I wasn't going to get a job to pay someone else to do a half arsed job of raising our children. That was the exact wording, I believe. :D I doubt she'll try that on him for a while, so I suppose it'll be my turn again. :lol: The last time she tried it on me, I told her she ought to research the topic. She said she had tried, but couldn't find anything (yeah right, she was an English teacher and she can't research?) I called her bluff, she sniffed and said "Well, the proof is in the pudding!" to which I wholeheartedly agreed. Perhaps next time we should just cut to the core with "Shut up already." We've noticed that FIL keeps quiet. Either he's finally convinced I'm not an idiot, or he has better things to do than lose arguments. When he starts asking questions, I'll answer them. Unlike his passive aggressive wife, he has some tact about him when he cares to use it. The last time he voiced any concern on the topic, it was to ask whether I was keeping the baby at home with me. I was a bit confused for a second. Of course the baby was at home with me. Why is he asking questions he already knows the answer to. Ah, he is really asking about the 3 year old's social life. Ok. I can provide that info. :rolleyes: People are funny. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theYoungerMrsWarde Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readinmom Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 Hang in there... Everyone has lots of opinions, but when it comes to your kids, you know what is best for them. It seems that you have handled a tremendous amount the past year, and yet your dc still came out ahead. That is to be commended! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 Last time my MIL tried that on her dear boy (note, my kids aren't even school aged yet!) he told her I wasn't going to get a job to pay someone else to do a half arsed job of raising our children. That was the exact wording, I believe. :D I doubt she'll try that on him for a while, so I suppose it'll be my turn again. :lol: The last time she tried it on me, I told her she ought to research the topic. She said she had tried, but couldn't find anything (yeah right, she was an English teacher and she can't research?) I called her bluff, she sniffed and said "Well, the proof is in the pudding!" to which I wholeheartedly agreed. Perhaps next time we should just cut to the core with "Shut up already." We've noticed that FIL keeps quiet. Either he's finally convinced I'm not an idiot, or he has better things to do than lose arguments. When he starts asking questions, I'll answer them. Unlike his passive aggressive wife, he has some tact about him when he cares to use it. The last time he voiced any concern on the topic, it was to ask whether I was keeping the baby at home with me. I was a bit confused for a second. Of course the baby was at home with me. Why is he asking questions he already knows the answer to. Ah, he is really asking about the 3 year old's social life. Ok. I can provide that info. :rolleyes: People are funny. Rosie :grouphug: Hugs to you and yours, I like Rosie's approach. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: People! I think I would have suddenly found myself an urgent errand to do, or the necessity of speaking with the pool receptionist about something. When the bean dip doesn't work, then you probably just have to remove yourself! "Friends are the family you choose for yourself." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 :grouphug: I don't know if you are looking for advice or not but I would try really hard to quit having the conversations with her. You know the whole pass the bean dip idea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarlaS Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 Ewww. sorry :( Give 'em a hug and tell them that you'll think about it later. Ask them if they'd like to save that money for college, as your children will need the help...then. :) :iagree: Family members who are only supportive if you do things their way are quite familiar to me. I do my best to not accept help in any form from controlling people. There are always strings attached. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Some thoughts - Don't engage when she tries. Just repeat "Yes, I understand your concern, but we have it under control." Eventually she will get the picture. Have your dh handle his mother. If/when she tries to discuss homeschooling with you simply refer her back to dh. "I understand your concern, but we have it under control. I'll let (insert dh's name) know you were asking about our decision again so he can also reassure you of our commitment." You will have to realize that nothing you can do/say will change her mind. So don't invest emotionally in the situation. It will only make you crazy. Polite but firm and repeat the above or something like it as many times as necessary. Eventually she will back off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: I would politely, but firmly, let her know in the future that your parenting choices are not up for discussion. My MIL learned the hard way before my kids were even school aged that I was not interested in her opinions about anything, let alone what to do with my children. My dh turned out relatively okay despite her awful parenting, but she and I don't have similar views about pretty much anything. After a few awkward early conversations when I let her know that I wasn't asking for opinions, she knows not to bring up how I'm ruining her grandchildren. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2denj Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 I think that my answer would have been, I love you, but these are our children. You had your turn. Please just be a grandmother and let us be the parent's. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 :grouphug: How miserable! I'm sorry you're not getting the support you need from them. You've obviously been through a lot and it sounds like you've done a tremendous job! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 :grouphug: No advice, other pps have already given you wonderful advice. Just to let you know that you're not alone, my ILs also think I'm doing everything wrong and should just hand over to them all decisions regarding my children. As if. I was always so terribly eager to please them that it became the most terrible internal conflict for me. Eventually I realised that my own instincts were right, and then it just became a conflict between me and them. Now, it's not even that. Having realised that they really didn't care in slightest about my concerns or opinions, only in how much they could control my family, I now refuse to have anything to do with them. It hurts sometimes, but I'm much more at peace now. Ultimately, I suppose, they just want what's best for their grandchildren. I'm sorry you're getting such grief when what you need more than anything is their unconditional love and support. Best wishes Cassy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dustybug Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 I think that the pps have given some great advice, but wanted to let you know that you are absolutely NOT alone. My MIL is just like that! She actually loves the idea of me homeschooling, but thinks that I should have a full time job and am lazy for "not working." Excuse me, which is it? Homeschool or work? She gives her opinion on EVERYTHING (from breastfeeding to discipline) and always unasked. Recently, we were at her house and it was the usual nap time for my 3 year old. He was cranky because he was tired and hungry, but she insisted that he was "miserable" because we made him sleep too much. :glare: Just try to let it roll off your shoulders, and politely, but firmly tell her to mind her own beeswax. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TracyR Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 Thanks for all the advise. My husband told me today that she tried the same thing with him this morning, and he told her " No thank you." That the girls were all signed up with the school district ( which actually I have to do this week) and that we knew what we were doing. That we just can't financially do it. Which she in turn said she would help pay for it and he said, " No." She has a tendancy to play us against each other, and just doesn't like to back down. She will bring it up at the worst of times. I just don't want anything from someone who thinks they are going to control me ,and tell me how and what to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlsdMama Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 I definitely wouldn't explain myself. It tends to lead to more arguments or them to find another reason to justify why they want them in school which then leads to MORE hurt feelings. It's really a no-win situation. "Thank you. I love you. No. Bean dip?" I think it's taken me ten years to get to understand this is the best answer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 You need to read the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. While you wait, read Bean Dip for Homeschoolers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missiemick Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 To the OP -- I think your mil might be my mil long lost sister. :tongue_smilie: :grouphug: No advice, other pps have already given you wonderful advice. Just to let you know that you're not alone, my ILs also think I'm doing everything wrong and should just hand over to them all decisions regarding my children. As if. I was always so terribly eager to please them that it became the most terrible internal conflict for me. Eventually I realised that my own instincts were right, and then it just became a conflict between me and them. Now, it's not even that. Having realised that they really didn't care in slightest about my concerns or opinions, only in how much they could control my family, I now refuse to have anything to do with them. It hurts sometimes, but I'm much more at peace now. Ultimately, I suppose, they just want what's best for their grandchildren. I'm sorry you're getting such grief when what you need more than anything is their unconditional love and support. Best wishes Cassy :iagree: This was me. My life is so much better/easier once I figured this out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 Thanks for all the advise. My husband told me today that she tried the same thing with him this morning, and he told her " No thank you." That the girls were all signed up with the school district ( which actually I have to do this week) and that we knew what we were doing. That we just can't financially do it. Which she in turn said she would help pay for it and he said, " No." She has a tendancy to play us against each other, and just doesn't like to back down. She will bring it up at the worst of times. I just don't want anything from someone who thinks they are going to control me ,and tell me how and what to do. My MIL loves to play both ends against the middle. Wolf called her to confront her about something, and she said, "Oh, Imp told you?" Duh. 8 yrs of marriage, and she still hasn't figured out (we've even told her point blank!) that saying something to one of us is saying something to BOTH of us. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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