Please help me get my 5.5 year old out of my bed!!

[Nakia]

I am getting desperate and well... flat out fed up!! We have co-slept with all of our girls. The first two slept with us until I got pregnant with the next one, so up until about 18 months-2 years, and then we transitioned them into a bed in their room. No problems. From time to time, they will come in to snuggle in the morning, but again, no problem at all. Cora is proving to be very difficult about this. She weaned at 2, and we tried to transition her to her bed then, which is the bottom bunk in the room with Emma. Three and a half years later, we are no closer to getting this kid out of our bed, and she is getting entirely too big to sleep with us. We have a king size bed, and she usually ends up with her head in my back and her feet in Patrick's. We have tried: reasoning, bribing, putting a pallet in our floor for her to sleep on, one of us sleeping with her in her bed until she goes to sleep in hopes she will stay there (NO!), putting up a baby gate (she just comes over it or takes it down) and something else I can't think of. At this point every single time she comes into our room, we are sending her back to her room. That means we are waking up 5-6 times a night, and it's not getting better!! I don't sleep well anyway, and this is just too much. The worst part is that it's starting to affect Cora's behavior during the day. She has always been my carefree, happy-go-lucky child, and she has turned into a grumpy, mean, exhausted mess most of the day. If we drive anywhere, she falls asleep in the car within 10 minutes, which is something she hasn't done in years. Oh, and I have tried to get her to explain why she wants to sleep in our bed. She says she isn't afraid of anything; she just wants to sleep with us because she likes our bed better. This is what I feel like: :willy_nilly::banghead::(

 

Any help???

[nd293]

Poor you!Ds is 4yrs, and I actually did have him more-or-less out of our bed before a 2.5 month visit from my Mom had him back in our bed (we didn't spend enough time pre-planning the sleeping arrangements, and just fell into this solution).

 

Right now we are repeating the process that we used before, which is to have me sleep on the floor next to ds's bed. The advantage of this is that he doesn't go to sleep expecting me to sneak out, so he is not "programmed" to wake and check for me during the night. And quite frankly, after 4yrs of sleeping with a child on top of me, sleeping on a single mattress all by myself is a bliss.

 

I've been at this for 4 or 5 nights, and ds is already waking less at night, and settling back to sleep more quickly with just a word of reassurance from me. In another week I'll start sleeping in my bed, then moving through to the mattress in his room if he wakes in the night (rather than tell him I was in my bed, I'd explain my absence by saying I was in the bathroom). In another week I'll tell him that I'll make up the mattress bed next to him when I'm ready for bed (and instead sleep in my bed and simply sit next to him to shush him back to sleep if he wakes). By this stage the issue of where I am sleeping seems to fade away.

 

This worked well for us before (and ds was very attached to the idea of sleeping with me). It might depend on you being a light enough sleeper to wake and go through to your dd before she gets out of bed to find you, though.

[Farmgirl70]

All I can say is I know this must be hard! Persistence will pay off, it just might take a bit longer with a 5.5 year old than a younger child. Hang in there!:grouphug:

[lollie010]

I gave up the fight, but I admire you for sticking with it. Surely, it will pay off soon. I currently have 3 children in a revolving bed routine. All night long someone is coming or going. But, I am really liking this idea.

have me sleep on the floor next to ds's bed. The advantage of this is that he doesn't go to sleep expecting me to sneak out, so he is not "programmed" to wake and check for me during the night. And quite frankly, after 4yrs of sleeping with a child on top of me, sleeping on a single mattress all by myself is a bliss.

 

[Kertie]

Hmmm. I know you said you tried bribing, which this basically is, but I'll toss it out there just in case...

 

Get some marbles (preferably a mix of colors/designs) and choose a small container (empty yogurt cup?). Tell her she gets to choose a marble every night she sleeps in her own bed ALL night. Agree on a reward when the container is full. Then start again with a slightly bigger container. Sounds simplistic, I guess, but it worked when our no-problem-ever kids ALL THREE started climbing into our DOUBLE bed about 6 months ago. We did the marble jar and also lengthened the cuddle-before-bed time and individual time for the kids to talk to Daddy (they see me all day;)!!).

 

Hope you get some relief soon--that's just frustrating!!!

[DawnL]

Daphne was about 4 when we transitioned her out. She wasn't sleeping with us all night, every night, but would often wind up in our bed. We told her it's fine if she came in our room, but she would be sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor.

 

I know you've tried it, but that's all I've got. I'd consider setting up that sleeping bag and if she comes to your room, she has to sleep there. No choice. It's at least a little better than having to walk her back to her bedroom.

[Mommyfaithe]

I had dd put a sleeping bag on the floor next to my bed. The deal was...if you are going to come into my room at night, you have to be quiet and not wake me up. If you wake me up, I am putting you into your own bed. If you are quiet, you are welcome to sleep on the floor next to me.

 

She did sleep on the floor next to me most nights until she was almost 8...BUT, she rarely woke me and I am a very light sleeper. We both got our sleep...and she was OUT of my bed.

 

Faithe

[AK_Mom4]

:grouphug: It sounds really tough! I admit, I got my long-term sleeper out of my bed by being Not.Nice. He was 5yo and old enough to know better - I was pregnant and having a tough time sleeping. I told him if he came back into our bed at night then he would be punished - loss of privledges the first time, spanking the second time it happened. He tried it once and lost all his turns on the electronics the next day. He never tried again. Though he did try the "lay in bed and wail" trick - which we chose to just ignore. I know - it sounds mean. But I was pregnant and desperate at the time.

 

If you aren't up for "mean", then the twin mattress for you on the floor next to her bed sounds like a good plan.

[IlluminatedAttic]

Can she sleep with a sibling?

[Lauren R.]

My girls all slept in the same bed they are now 9,6,and 4. At first when they all had twin beds they pushed them together but they kept falling apart and there was a weird crack in between the beds, so dh built them a loft they could climb up and it has a slide and it was big enough to fit a queen bed underneath and they love it :)

2 years ago though the now 9 year old wanted her own bed and we got a bunkbed she slept on the top, and we told the other ones that one of them could sleep on the bottom, none of them have yet, but thats okay :)

 

Maybe big sister is willing to share a bed with her? :)

[Julie Smith]

My youngest does this, unless he got lots of exercise, -as in spent the day at the lake or a water park. So if he is annoying me with coming into my bed I warn him, "if you have the energy to sneak into my bed in the night then you need more exercise tomorrow" this means I try to plan a very active for him day the next day.

 

Honesty it doesnt bother me enough to try to fix the problem since we have a very big bed. I have a double, and pushed up right beside it is another double for my dh. So if my son crowds me out of my bed I just ooze onto my husbands bed.

[BethG]

Since corporal punishment doesn't sound like an option, then perhaps sit down with her (and have a calendar with you) and say something like, "Daddy and I have decided that you're old enough to sleep in your own bed there near sis; and we've also decided that this will happen next month in July, so we need you to help us decide on a date together which will be your first night in your own bed." And offer a few choices in July.

As the day approaches, I'd lay down some ground rules about acceptable behavior and unacceptable behavior --- such as you will not be allowed to stand outside the door or in the hall whining, making thuds against the wall, -- in short, WAKE US UP. You will be allowed to have a nightlight for a while......(don't throw ALL the rules at her on the calendar night, but pepper them in as the big day approaches). And I’d also develop a consequence for her waking you/anyone up…Let her know that co-sleeping (even in the room with SISTER) is a privilege and that all have to have boundaries, including her, and that she will not be allowed to be inconsiderate and interrupt your or anyone’s sleep anymore. And then map out the consequences which you rigidly enforce. That it's extremely selfish and inconsiderate to KNOW that mom cannot get any rest simply because she prefers your mattress/bed.

[Farrar]

Both of mine slept in the family bed until pretty recently - they were 6 when we moved them out. It proved to be a surprisingly easy transition, so I may not be much help. I only started to get tired of them being there less than a year before we made the change - before that it was no big deal. Dh and I got get to sleep at the same time anyway, so having extra cuddlers wasn't such a big deal.

 

I think basically you have to get buy in from her and until you do, it'll be a big struggle. I'm not big on bribes, especially not for big things like this. What does she want though? What would entice her to sleep on her own? Are there other things you could do for her to make the transition better - extra cuddles at bedtime or something?

 

I feel like I'm very unhelpful. Just :grouphug:

[eternalknot]

I have a 5.5 year old, too, who has always slept with me. She sleeps just fine with me, but when she's with her dad she moves around to the point he's not getting any (sound) sleep.

 

I have no desire to move her out of my bed, but what we've done at her dad's is to get a huge body pillow in a white case. This is pretty silly, but we screened a picture of me onto it using a cheap-o computer program and a digital picture. The body pillow goes between her and her dad, giving him somewhat of a buffer from her movements during the night. She snuggles up with the picture of me on her pillow, content enough that I'm there in spirit if not in body LOL. It's not improved things 100%, but that pillow helped enough that her dad is getting better sleep.

 

He'd just as soon she sleep in her own room, but we agree that it's not a hill we're going to die on so long as he is getting decent rest (not perfect rest, but doable rest). He's not really interested in the idea of what you're going through now - up throughout the night to return her to her own bed, so he's fine to compromise with her. She's more of a snuggler, in general, and a bit more emotional/sensitive than the other kids -- she seems to benefit from that nighttime snuggling, maybe to make up from having to fight a bit for one-on-one attention during the day. Her need for touch is so high compared to the other kids, and this seems a manifestation of that. It sounds like you really just want your daughter out, but I'm throwing this out there as an option in case you hadn't already thought of it.

 

One thing her dad does do, is to not always go to sleep with her. He'll do their bedtime routine, shut the lights, then leave the room to do "chores" or whatever -- she can get to sleep without him there, which would help a ton if he decided to move her out of his bed entirely. He's always there when she wakes up, though! Do you do that now? It might be a slower transition, but a step in the direction you're wanting to go.

 

If my husband wanted to transition our daughter to her own bed, I think what we'd do is offer a compromise of sorts -- make one or two nights special (weekend?) where she's welcome in, but the rest of the week she'd need to stay in her own bed (or, following advice given here, make do with a pallet on the floor being careful not to wake you.) I think we'd do this because we understand our daughter's desire to sleep with us, even though she doesn't expess it as needing us we know her well enough to know she just has a higher need for touch/closeness. If she were doing it for other reasons, we'd likely handle it differently; only you know your daughter well enough to know her true intentions. Fortunately, my people found a compromise that works for them so it's not an issue; I hope you find something that works for you -- I know that when I don't get decent sleep, I'm a bear to be around ... and the kids follow suit. Definitely not fun for anyone.

 

My bias is different than most of the other posters, and YMMV. I sleep well with my kids, but I shared a bed with siblings or parents up until I married my husband. I think it made me a more sound sleeper than my husband, who has always had his own bed and his own room :D.

[elfgivas]

fwiw, we transitioned the younger two to their own rooms or sleeping bags on the floor of our room at around age 6... we did NOT put mattresses down as we didn't want them to be too comfortable. the elder decided at age 7 that she was too old to "need" to sleep in our room, and off she went. the younger one.... well..... eventually i stopped taking them to the zoo, to the art gallery, to playdates.... because "i was just too tired. i really have trouble sleeping with all the tossing and turning". (absolutely true, too). it only took a couple of weeks of staying home before the desire to see friends and go fun places (and the sibling pressure) had her choosing her own room. for us, it was all about finding her "currency"...

 

good luck!

ann

[Rjmakmom]

 

the younger one.... well..... eventually i stopped taking them to the zoo, to the art gallery, to playdates.... because "i was just too tired. i really have trouble sleeping with all the tossing and turning". (absolutely true, too). it only took a couple of weeks of staying home before the desire to see friends and go fun places (and the sibling pressure) had her choosing her own room. for us, it was all about finding her "currency"...

 

 

 

I love this idea!! My dd will be 7 on Saturday. She has co-slept with us since just before her 2nd bday. I am tired of having 3 bodies competing for space and blankets in a queen sized bed, not to mention the damper it puts on...other activities...for which my husband and I would like to use our bed. Everytime we mention her moving to her own bed, or the bed with her sister, she falls apart. I am going to give this one a try!!

[Haiku]

I am not a huge fan of John Rosemond, but honestly, at this point, I would take a page from his book, sit the kid down, and say, "From now on, you will not sleep in our bed ever. again." Then I would lock my bedroom door.

 

I know it sounds harsh, but after 3 1/2 years of this behavior, it's time to put a stop to it now. You are being held hostage by your kid, and everyone will be happier when that is no longer the case.

 

I'd also tell dd, "When you go a week without waking me up at night, we'll take a special trip to [insert special trip of your choice here]. But if you wake me up at night by coming into my room, I am too tired to leave the house, so we will have to miss [insert fun activity you regularly attend here] and we will have to nap during the day."

 

And then stick to your guns. If you tell her she can't sleep with you but she ends up there every night, she just learns that she can overrule you and you don't really mean it.

 

Tara

[Nakia]

Poor you!Ds is 4yrs, and I actually did have him more-or-less out of our bed before a 2.5 month visit from my Mom had him back in our bed (we didn't spend enough time pre-planning the sleeping arrangements, and just fell into this solution).

 

Right now we are repeating the process that we used before, which is to have me sleep on the floor next to ds's bed. The advantage of this is that he doesn't go to sleep expecting me to sneak out, so he is not "programmed" to wake and check for me during the night. And quite frankly, after 4yrs of sleeping with a child on top of me, sleeping on a single mattress all by myself is a bliss.

 

I've been at this for 4 or 5 nights, and ds is already waking less at night, and settling back to sleep more quickly with just a word of reassurance from me. In another week I'll start sleeping in my bed, then moving through to the mattress in his room if he wakes in the night (rather than tell him I was in my bed, I'd explain my absence by saying I was in the bathroom). In another week I'll tell him that I'll make up the mattress bed next to him when I'm ready for bed (and instead sleep in my bed and simply sit next to him to shush him back to sleep if he wakes). By this stage the issue of where I am sleeping seems to fade away.

 

This worked well for us before (and ds was very attached to the idea of sleeping with me). It might depend on you being a light enough sleeper to wake and go through to your dd before she gets out of bed to find you, though.

 

That is a good idea, but I have a really bad neck, so I really need to sleep on my mattress so that I don't wake up in horrible pain the next day. :( I might be willing to do it though, if it might work. Thanks!

 

All I can say is I know this must be hard! Persistence will pay off, it just might take a bit longer with a 5.5 year old than a younger child. Hang in there!:grouphug:

 

Thank you!

 

I gave up the fight, but I admire you for sticking with it. Surely, it will pay off soon. I currently have 3 children in a revolving bed routine. All night long someone is coming or going. But, I am really liking this idea.

 

Thanks. I am feeling quite insane, so I'm not giving up this time. :lol:

 

Hmmm. I know you said you tried bribing, which this basically is, but I'll toss it out there just in case...

 

Get some marbles (preferably a mix of colors/designs) and choose a small container (empty yogurt cup?). Tell her she gets to choose a marble every night she sleeps in her own bed ALL night. Agree on a reward when the container is full. Then start again with a slightly bigger container. Sounds simplistic, I guess, but it worked when our no-problem-ever kids ALL THREE started climbing into our DOUBLE bed about 6 months ago. We did the marble jar and also lengthened the cuddle-before-bed time and individual time for the kids to talk to Daddy (they see me all day;)!!).

 

Hope you get some relief soon--that's just frustrating!!!

 

What we tried was giving her a quarter for every morning that she slept in her bed all night. To her, that's a nice amount of money. ;) It was a no go. After a month she hadn't acquired a single quarter. So then I told her that if she slept in her bed for a week, I would take her to the store and buy her whatever she wants. Didn't work. ARGH!

 

Daphne was about 4 when we transitioned her out. She wasn't sleeping with us all night, every night, but would often wind up in our bed. We told her it's fine if she came in our room, but she would be sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor.

 

I know you've tried it, but that's all I've got. I'd consider setting up that sleeping bag and if she comes to your room, she has to sleep there. No choice. It's at least a little better than having to walk her back to her bedroom.

I had dd put a sleeping bag on the floor next to my bed. The deal was...if you are going to come into my room at night, you have to be quiet and not wake me up. If you wake me up, I am putting you into your own bed. If you are quiet, you are welcome to sleep on the floor next to me.

 

She did sleep on the floor next to me most nights until she was almost 8...BUT, she rarely woke me and I am a very light sleeper. We both got our sleep...and she was OUT of my bed.

 

Faithe

 

We could try the sleeping bag again. It's been a while since we tried it. :/

 

:grouphug: It sounds really tough! I admit, I got my long-term sleeper out of my bed by being Not.Nice. He was 5yo and old enough to know better - I was pregnant and having a tough time sleeping. I told him if he came back into our bed at night then he would be punished - loss of privledges the first time, spanking the second time it happened. He tried it once and lost all his turns on the electronics the next day. He never tried again. Though he did try the "lay in bed and wail" trick - which we chose to just ignore. I know - it sounds mean. But I was pregnant and desperate at the time.

 

If you aren't up for "mean", then the twin mattress for you on the floor next to her bed sounds like a good plan.

 

Oh, I can get mean! I have been tempted to spank her, but we only spank for serious offenses here. She probably wouldn't give a flip if I took away her TV time, which is the only electronic she has, and she rarely watches.

 

Can she sleep with a sibling?

 

Sometimes my middle dd sleeps on Cora's bed with her. But Cora still comes into our bed. Anna refuses for her anyone to sleep with her.

 

 

Thank you for your suggestions and help!!

[Nakia]

My girls all slept in the same bed they are now 9,6,and 4. At first when they all had twin beds they pushed them together but they kept falling apart and there was a weird crack in between the beds, so dh built them a loft they could climb up and it has a slide and it was big enough to fit a queen bed underneath and they love it :)

2 years ago though the now 9 year old wanted her own bed and we got a bunkbed she slept on the top, and we told the other ones that one of them could sleep on the bottom, none of them have yet, but thats okay :)

 

Maybe big sister is willing to share a bed with her? :)

 

Middle dd sleeps with her sometimes, but Cora still ends up coming into our bed. Oldest won't let anyone sleep with her. :)

 

My youngest does this, unless he got lots of exercise, -as in spent the day at the lake or a water park. So if he is annoying me with coming into my bed I warn him, "if you have the energy to sneak into my bed in the night then you need more exercise tomorrow" this means I try to plan a very active for him day the next day.

 

Honesty it doesnt bother me enough to try to fix the problem since we have a very big bed. I have a double, and pushed up right beside it is another double for my dh. So if my son crowds me out of my bed I just ooze onto my husbands bed.

 

She does it every.single.night no matter how much exercise she's had or how much I've pushed her during the day. We were gone for 12 hours on Thursday, running errands, park, etc and she was still up and down about 4 times. That's why she's do dang grumpy during the day. It seems impossible. :(

 

Since corporal punishment doesn't sound like an option, then perhaps sit down with her (and have a calendar with you) and say something like, "Daddy and I have decided that you're old enough to sleep in your own bed there near sis; and we've also decided that this will happen next month in July, so we need you to help us decide on a date together which will be your first night in your own bed." And offer a few choices in July.

As the day approaches, I'd lay down some ground rules about acceptable behavior and unacceptable behavior --- such as you will not be allowed to stand outside the door or in the hall whining, making thuds against the wall, -- in short, WAKE US UP. You will be allowed to have a nightlight for a while......(don't throw ALL the rules at her on the calendar night, but pepper them in as the big day approaches). And I’d also develop a consequence for her waking you/anyone up…Let her know that co-sleeping (even in the room with SISTER) is a privilege and that all have to have boundaries, including her, and that she will not be allowed to be inconsiderate and interrupt your or anyone’s sleep anymore. And then map out the consequences which you rigidly enforce. That it's extremely selfish and inconsiderate to KNOW that mom cannot get any rest simply because she prefers your mattress/bed.

 

I haven't tried getting a calendar and making a plan. Thank you. I have tried telling her she can sleep with us for 2 more nights, and then no more, or something along those lines. It doesn't work. I don't get this kid. My other two were never like this.

 

Both of mine slept in the family bed until pretty recently - they were 6 when we moved them out. It proved to be a surprisingly easy transition, so I may not be much help. I only started to get tired of them being there less than a year before we made the change - before that it was no big deal. Dh and I got get to sleep at the same time anyway, so having extra cuddlers wasn't such a big deal.

 

I think basically you have to get buy in from her and until you do, it'll be a big struggle. I'm not big on bribes, especially not for big things like this. What does she want though? What would entice her to sleep on her own? Are there other things you could do for her to make the transition better - extra cuddles at bedtime or something?

 

I feel like I'm very unhelpful. Just :grouphug:

 

I have been trying to think of something specific to bribe her with besides money, which hasn't worked. But the truth is, I really just want to be mean and get her out of there! She is a pretty cuddly child, so she gets lots of snuggles all day. I don't really think she is craving attention or anything. Thank you for the hugs.

 

fwiw, we transitioned the younger two to their own rooms or sleeping bags on the floor of our room at around age 6... we did NOT put mattresses down as we didn't want them to be too comfortable. the elder decided at age 7 that she was too old to "need" to sleep in our room, and off she went. the younger one.... well..... eventually i stopped taking them to the zoo, to the art gallery, to playdates.... because "i was just too tired. i really have trouble sleeping with all the tossing and turning". (absolutely true, too). it only took a couple of weeks of staying home before the desire to see friends and go fun places (and the sibling pressure) had her choosing her own room. for us, it was all about finding her "currency"...

 

good luck!

ann

 

The problem with the "too tired" thing is that I have two older dds who don't deserve to be stuck at home because of little sister being a pain in the butt. I AM too tired, but I have to keep going. I do need to find her "currency" but right now, I'm kinda tired of the negotiating.

 

I am not a huge fan of John Rosemond, but honestly, at this point, I would take a page from his book, sit the kid down, and say, "From now on, you will not sleep in our bed ever. again." Then I would lock my bedroom door.

 

I know it sounds harsh, but after 3 1/2 years of this behavior, it's time to put a stop to it now. You are being held hostage by your kid, and everyone will be happier when that is no longer the case.

 

I'd also tell dd, "When you go a week without waking me up at night, we'll take a special trip to [insert special trip of your choice here]. But if you wake me up at night by coming into my room, I am too tired to leave the house, so we will have to miss [insert fun activity you regularly attend here] and we will have to nap during the day."

 

And then stick to your guns. If you tell her she can't sleep with you but she ends up there every night, she just learns that she can overrule you and you don't really mean it.

 

Tara

 

You hit the nail on the head with the bolded, Tara. Exactly right!!! It is affecting every member of the family, and I feel insane from it. She came into our bed 4 times last night, and I woke up, of course, and sent her back 4 times only to find her there this morning again. My husband has been saying for 2 weeks we need to lock the door, but that doesn't sit right with me for some reason. It just feels mean. But like I said above, I think I'm ready for mean. This does have to stop. I really cannot take it anymore. I think she will bang the door and wail for a few nights, but maybe after that it will get better. I hope.

[Nakia]

I have a 5.5 year old, too, who has always slept with me. She sleeps just fine with me, but when she's with her dad she moves around to the point he's not getting any (sound) sleep.

 

I have no desire to move her out of my bed, but what we've done at her dad's is to get a huge body pillow in a white case. This is pretty silly, but we screened a picture of me onto it using a cheap-o computer program and a digital picture. The body pillow goes between her and her dad, giving him somewhat of a buffer from her movements during the night. She snuggles up with the picture of me on her pillow, content enough that I'm there in spirit if not in body LOL. It's not improved things 100%, but that pillow helped enough that her dad is getting better sleep.

 

He'd just as soon she sleep in her own room, but we agree that it's not a hill we're going to die on so long as he is getting decent rest (not perfect rest, but doable rest). He's not really interested in the idea of what you're going through now - up throughout the night to return her to her own bed, so he's fine to compromise with her. She's more of a snuggler, in general, and a bit more emotional/sensitive than the other kids -- she seems to benefit from that nighttime snuggling, maybe to make up from having to fight a bit for one-on-one attention during the day. Her need for touch is so high compared to the other kids, and this seems a manifestation of that. It sounds like you really just want your daughter out, but I'm throwing this out there as an option in case you hadn't already thought of it.

 

One thing her dad does do, is to not always go to sleep with her. He'll do their bedtime routine, shut the lights, then leave the room to do "chores" or whatever -- she can get to sleep without him there, which would help a ton if he decided to move her out of his bed entirely. He's always there when she wakes up, though! Do you do that now? It might be a slower transition, but a step in the direction you're wanting to go.

 

If my husband wanted to transition our daughter to her own bed, I think what we'd do is offer a compromise of sorts -- make one or two nights special (weekend?) where she's welcome in, but the rest of the week she'd need to stay in her own bed (or, following advice given here, make do with a pallet on the floor being careful not to wake you.) I think we'd do this because we understand our daughter's desire to sleep with us, even though she doesn't expess it as needing us we know her well enough to know she just has a higher need for touch/closeness. If she were doing it for other reasons, we'd likely handle it differently; only you know your daughter well enough to know her true intentions. Fortunately, my people found a compromise that works for them so it's not an issue; I hope you find something that works for you -- I know that when I don't get decent sleep, I'm a bear to be around ... and the kids follow suit. Definitely not fun for anyone.

 

My bias is different than most of the other posters, and YMMV. I sleep well with my kids, but I shared a bed with siblings or parents up until I married my husband. I think it made me a more sound sleeper than my husband, who has always had his own bed and his own room :D.

 

That's cute about the pillow. :D Cora is cuddly, but not a sensitive/needy child, so I really think she just wants to sleep on our bed because she likes it more. And because she's the baby, and she likes to be the center of attention. She always has. She has gotten her way more than the other two because she's the baby. I think we've created a monster, lol. Oh, and we don't go to bed with her though we have tried that. She goes to her bed for the bedtime routine and then sneaks into our bed before we go to bed to go to sleep.

 

Is this kid impossible or what?!?!?!

[Cricket]

This worked for our older two. We put a sleeping bag at the foot of our bed on the floor. We explained to them that they were more than welcome to come into our room during the night but they were no longer allowed in our bed. We showed them the nice comfortable spot we made up on the floor and said that is where they could sleep. After about two nights of sleeping there, they each stayed in their own beds.

[kalanamak]

I'd get a lock.

[Impish]

I am not a huge fan of John Rosemond, but honestly, at this point, I would take a page from his book, sit the kid down, and say, "From now on, you will not sleep in our bed ever. again." Then I would lock my bedroom door.

 

I know it sounds harsh, but after 3 1/2 years of this behavior, it's time to put a stop to it now. You are being held hostage by your kid, and everyone will be happier when that is no longer the case.

 

I'd also tell dd, "When you go a week without waking me up at night, we'll take a special trip to [insert special trip of your choice here]. But if you wake me up at night by coming into my room, I am too tired to leave the house, so we will have to miss [insert fun activity you regularly attend here] and we will have to nap during the day."

 

And then stick to your guns. If you tell her she can't sleep with you but she ends up there every night, she just learns that she can overrule you and you don't really mean it.

 

Tara

I don't know who John Rosemond is, but ita with the above. No way on this planet would I be able to manage a kid coming into my bed every night for years. I'd seriously lose my mind from sleep deprivation.

[Nakia]

Okay, it's official. Our door is going to be locked tonight. I have decided it is not cruel to lock your kid out of your room. It is cruel to want to beat the cr*p out of them all day long because they kept you up all night. LOL! I'll keep you updated!

[Julie in CA]

As I was reading through the thread, I was wondering why no one was mentioning that you should lock the door! As I got to the end, someone finally mentioned it as a possibility, and I think it's correct.

I'm all for comforting dc and making sure that they feel loved, respected, valued, and all the rest. At the same time, I think we don't do the dc any favors when we allow them to believe that making other people miserable (including mom) in the pursuit of their own comfort is acceptable.

Lock the door. Teach her to handle this step of her maturing with dignity by planning to spend a week or two matter-of-factly putting her back in her bed if she cries at your door. Remind her that there's a new guideline, and stick to it. I don't think kids like the feeling of being out of control and, well, "addicted" to a behavior, and you'd be doing her a kindness by helping her mature in a healthy way. Your current situation is that each time she manages to come in without waking you, you're reinforcing the behavior.

 

You can do it, mom! As she does change the bad habit for a better one, you'll be able to rejoice with her. :grouphug: :)

[JessReplanted]

I am a 'mean' mom.

 

I think you just have to make her - the same way that you make her do other things that she doesn't want to do.

 

I would sit her down, have a serious talk about why she needs to sleep in her own bed, affirm your love for her, and then just do it.

[fairfarmhand]

Okay, it's official. Our door is going to be locked tonight. I have decided it is not cruel to lock your kid out of your room. It is cruel to want to beat the cr*p out of them all day long because they kept you up all night. LOL! I'll keep you updated!

yup this

 

Once she figures out that YOU MEAN IT then she will likely stop. Setting boundaries so that every family gets what they NEED (does she need this? probably not, she just LIKES it) is not mean.

 

If the door is locked and she knows it (I would tell her before bedtime) she has no hope of "maybe I can slip in there and momma won't wake up!"

[Mandamom]

Can she sleep with a sibling?

:iagree:

 

This is what we ended up doing although not intentionally. My dd10 wanted to stay in my bed for the longest time and we finally got her out of our bed. Now, though most nights she sleeps in her sister's bed. Even now at almost 11 at least 3 to 4 nights per week she asks to sleep in my bed, :confused: which she hasn't done for a long time.

[Lauren R.]

Okay, it's official. Our door is going to be locked tonight. I have decided it is not cruel to lock your kid out of your room. It is cruel to want to beat the cr*p out of them all day long because they kept you up all night. LOL! I'll keep you updated!

 

We did this to our now 13 year old she was about 6 at the time and she started crying and banging on the door after a while she sat down right outside the door, after about an hour, she was exhausted, i opened the door and toke her to her room put her in her bed, and she feel right to sleep!

Mind you, this happened EVERY night for 3 weeks straight! :glare:

But it finally sunk in. I felt so bad though :(

[Lovin Learnin]

This worked for our older two. We put a sleeping bag at the foot of our bed on the floor. We explained to them that they were more than welcome to come into our room during the night but they were no longer allowed in our bed. We showed them the nice comfortable spot we made up on the floor and said that is where they could sleep. After about two nights of sleeping there, they each stayed in their own beds.

 

Dd was four and this is exactly what we did. She had slept with us every night of her life, pretty much. She and I went to bed first and when dh came up he would move her to her room. At about 3 a.m. she would come back. Every night for four years. After I put her on the floor it took her two nights to decide her own bed was more comfortable. She hasn't been back since. It was the best thing ever because she is a WILD sleeper. :)

[ZooRho]

I had one that slept in our room till he was fairly old, but it was on our floor. The other would crawl into it in the middle of the night but most times we were so exhausted we didn't notice. we had a significant emotional event that occured and strangly after that he stopped sleeping in our room totally on his own.

 

BUT I don't think anyone suggested this but we had a child having a hard time sleeping, we bought him a new mattress. He stopped complaining. What about seeing if that is an issue. I am wondering if he may like sleeping on something fluffy that seems to surround her since she likes sleeping with you all.

[justamouse]

 

You hit the nail on the head with the bolded, Tara. Exactly right!!! It is affecting every member of the family, and I feel insane from it. She came into our bed 4 times last night, and I woke up, of course, and sent her back 4 times only to find her there this morning again. My husband has been saying for 2 weeks we need to lock the door, but that doesn't sit right with me for some reason. It just feels mean. But like I said above, I think I'm ready for mean. This does have to stop. I really cannot take it anymore. I think she will bang the door and wail for a few nights, but maybe after that it will get better. I hope.

 

Rabbi Schmuley Boteach says the same thing. Lock the door, keep them out, that is your sacred space with your Dh.

 

If she's not getting the hint, it's time. :grouphug:

[Farmgirl70]

My husband has been saying for 2 weeks we need to lock the door, but that doesn't sit right with me for some reason. It just feels mean. But like I said above, I think I'm ready for mean. This does have to stop. I really cannot take it anymore. I think she will bang the door and wail for a few nights, but maybe after that it will get better. I hope.

 

I, too, would have a hard time doing this, but it may be that your husband is right. You could explain to her ahead of time what will happen. You can also remain calm while you stick to the new borders. In the end, you are not being cruel. You are trying to get enough sleep and create a situation where your dd gets enough sleep. This might be one of those times where doing this painful thing will result in the best for everyone. It reminds me of the times my parents would say, "This hurts me more than it hurts you." I never believed them then, but I think I get it now....:grouphug:

[venusmom]

I can really relate...my older kids drifted into our bed just on occasion when they'd had a bad night. BUT my 6 yr old dd, who will be 7 in a couple of months, still ends up in our bed almost every night. She is persistent. We do have a lock, which we use for, well you know, those times mom's & dad's need to have the door locked: But - if we leave the door locked - she will cry & knock announcing her terror until we open it. She is outgoing, energetic, and a bundle of ideas during the day. She makes friends easily and seems to have no social issues, but at night time - she is up and down. Sometimes she gets up to play, I literally found her playing in my laundry room, with our dog in his kennel the other night - she had even gotten dressed and fixed her hair - it was 2:00 a.m.!! We sleep in a tiny room that only has about 1-1/2 - 2 feet around the queen size bed - so sleeping on the floor won't worked. She'd get stepped on if we woke up. She sometimes crawls into the window seat and curls up there. I'm tempted to keep her a "bed" there!!! Touch of humor - recently - I had a basket of freshly washed clothes in a laundry basket, ready to fold. They were sitting in the window seat we have. We woke in the morning to find her, a fairly tall almost 7 yr old, with her blanket, pillow pet and a couple of teddy bears curled up in this basket!! My dh was surprised she'd managed to sleep in such tight quarters - but she seems to prefer it! The lack of sleep for us can be tough though - as she pushes and kicks when she crawls into our bed!! Just saying - I can relate. Doc says it's time to get mean and force her to stay in her bed. But even when I've tried that for many nights in a row - the habit remains unbroken. I think I've finally decided that she probably will just give this up on her own soon enough. I feel fairly confident that she will not do this once she hits her teens!! Hang in there!!