Bringing the skeleton out of the closet

[AvasMom]

I think one thing to keep in mind is that not only is your dh saying not to go and protecting you in that way but he is giving you an "out" as well. The fact is, you don't have to stand up to your mom if you don't want to. You can just say you can't go because your dh said you can't be around this guy. I'm *sure* your dh won't mind being the fall guy. That's one of the things you do for your spouse in uncomfortable situations.

[eewaggie99]

I haven't read the other replies but I can't emphasize enough: the wife must know; the entire family needs to know. Your older cousin has shown a pattern of behavorial disorders and he obviously has not received treatment.

 

You are not at fault! You cannot change the past and it's not your fault no one protected you from this person. I can tell you from experience, even when a pattern of abuse is known in the extended family, the only remedy is complete exclusion of the abuser. Otherwise, he will find a way to get access to children and continue his abuse.

Edited June 23, 2011 by eewaggie99

[RanchGirl]

I don't know how to say this gently, so I'll keep it short.

 

I am absolutely shocked by your mother's response. Or lack thereof.

:iagree:

 

I would never allow myself or my children to be in this person's presence. Ever. I honestly wouldn't even go visit my mother if she were still socializing with this criminal, much less insisting that I do. The upsetting grandma thing is just an excuse IMO. I find it hard to believe an 80 year old with Alzheimer's can't be fooled with some excuse, if she even notices the cousin is missing at all.

 

And I would absolutely make sure the predator's wife is informed. Whether she believes it or not, at least you will know you tried. Maybe it will at least cause his wife to watch out for danger signs.

 

Bottom line, the awkwardness, discomfort, or upset relatives are not your fault and quite frankly, not your concern. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and so sorry your mom is not making protecting you her priority. I hope she will come around.

[Joker]

I just wanted to let you know I think you're very brave!! I've never told anyone other than dh and one therapist about my own abuse and I guess by other's standards that makes me a selfish coward. It's just been about surviving and finding a way through it for me though. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.:grouphug:

 

 

[Tree House Academy]

(oops, hit post before I finished)...see next post.

Edited June 23, 2011 by Tree House Academy

[Tree House Academy]

I would not be around him at all.

 

Is there any concern for his dd? :( If his wife doesn't know about him molesting you and your cousin, she needs to know! How else can she make sure the sicko doesn't molest her own daughter??!

[Chelli]

I would not be around him at all.

 

Is there any concern for his dd? :( If his wife doesn't know about him molesting you and your cousin, she needs to know! How else can she make sure the sicko doesn't molest her own daughter??!

 

Unfortunately I've thought about this :sad: and I've wondered about his two younger sisters (both of whom are in their early 30's and married now). We just don't know the extent of who has been hurt because no one has directly confronted him on his behavior. I definitely feel that his wife should be told (probably not by me as a pp mentioned) just because I couldn't live with myself if he's hurting his own daughter and I didn't say something that could have stopped it. I felt absolutely sick to my stomach when I found out about my younger cousin last summer. It's all got to come out and soon...still working out the logistics of how to do that!+

 

ETA: I definitely appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers...it's going to be a rough couple of weeks back home.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

 

have you considered not going?

 

i think at this point seeing a counsellor who specializes in abuse is crucial for you ... boundaries are just so important for you at this juncture ... you really do not need to solve this by yourself.

 

:grouphug:

[Once Again]

This is such a horrible situation, but you must tell his wife. I can't believe his children are safe from him.

[JessicaLady]

I have typed and erased no less than 6 times. Everything just looks so harsh and terrible when written. But, here's my best effort:

 

1. He should not be there

 

2. His wife should absolutely be informed (and by you if you are emotionally capable, but you should not be forced to be this person). I worry that she may not have access or support to do what may need to be done once she finds out. Perhaps this is why she is still with him? Because it's hard to imagine she hasn't heard the family whispering; so I'm wondering why she'd be 'ok' with what she's heard.

 

3. I would also consider not visiting this year and inviting your mother to your place, but only after...

 

4. Your Mother apologizes to you. For being insensitive in suggesting he come to you daughter's party, and for making you feel you couldn't talk to her during and after the abuse. It's by no means her fault it happend, nor yours!, but she obviously doens't like to ruffle feathers and conveyed that message to you. Perhaps you rec'd this message at a young age and 'knew' you couldn't talk to her about it.

 

J

[Dandelion]

You've gotten lots of great advice - don't have anything to add...

 

I hope you find a solution that brings peace and healing to you and your family. :grouphug:

[silliness7]

I need some advice from the hive...Here is the back story: From the age of 4/5 until high school, I was molested off and on by a cousin who is two years older than me. He threatened to mess with my sister unless I gave in. I spent most of my childhood making sure that none of my other girl cousins or my sister were ever alone with him.

 

Fast forward to last summer...my mom informs me that my other boy cousin who is 4 years younger than me is in therapy because he was molested by older boy cousin for 4 years. My mom asked me if he had ever tried anything with me and I told her the whole story. I hadn't told anyone in the family about it for the sake of keeping peace among my family. In my childish logic, I thought that I could protect my other cousins. Unfortunately, I never thought about having to protect my boy cousin.

 

Younger boy cousin (now married with two kids) has refused to come to any family functions for about three years (which has upset our grandmother greatly). After finding out about my other cousin's molestation by the older cousin coupled with my own, my husband has said that our family can no longer attend family functions where older cousin is present. Before we would go to Christmas/4th of July celebration where older cousin was present but was never alone with our children.

 

Fast forward to this summer...we are leaving to go visit my family this summer (like we do every summer) without my husband (he has to work). During this visit my mom is throwing a birthday party for dd3 (like she does every summer). I know that she is going to invite older cousin, his wife, and their daughter.

 

 

 

I need the hive to tell me how to handle this situation:

 

• My mom knows about the molestation, but doesn't want to cause a fuss by not inviting older cousin (to the birthday party or the 4th of July celebration) because she does not want my grandmother to find out this happened. My grandmother is 80 and in the early stages of alzheimers.

• I'm not sure if older cousin's wife knows that he molested me and my younger boy cousin. I don't mind if the wife and daughter come to the party, but I know that older cousin will show up too.

• I'm almost certain that older cousin has never dealt with what he did to me and younger cousin or with his own molestation (he had to have been molested himself because he began molesting me when he was only 6/7). He does not know that the whole family knows already, but just hasn't said anything.

The fall out from this could be huge (family rifts, possible divorce of older cousin from his wife, grandmother's health, older cousin might do something drastic to himself (?). I need the hive to tell me the best possible way to deal with this situation.

 

I feel like a lot of this is my fault for not telling what was going on way back when the molestation first started (it would have spared my younger cousin and not put our family in the situation it is in now). However, that is water under the bridge and I just need some kind of scenario of how best to deal with the current situation. I know that some kind of confrontation will have to occur (which I hate!!!), but I'm not sure who should be involved and what should be said.

 

Hoping the hive can come through for me with some helpful suggestions. TIA

 

:grouphug::grouphug: How awful to go through this. Can you tell your mom that your dh has forbidden his children to be at family functions with the older cousin and that you support his decision and will abide by it even though he will not be at her place this summer. Can you ask your mom not to invite older cousin's family knowing there will be some issues raised but just take them as they come. Who knows how it will all go down. You could worry yourself sick about all of the different ways it will go down and how this person and that person will react. But I think that will detract you from purpose #1, not attending family functions with older cousin because your dh does not want to risk his children.

 

If your mom is reluctant to not invite older cousin because she starts obsessing about how the fall-out might happen could you just tell her that if she feels it necessary to invite him that you and the kids will be hanging out at so and so's house instead or at the mall. Tell her not to bother with the b-day party and just do 4th of July because if older cousin comes your dd won't be there.

 

That's a tough situation. I'm very sorry! :grouphug:

 

ETA: One more thought and then I'm going to see what the HIve says. If older cousin was molested (and I'm guessing you're right on that) it was probably by a family member (maybe not your side, maybe the other side). I'm just thinking that perhaps a big fall-out is necessary to see who else might need to be banned from family get-togethers in order to keep the kids safe.

Edited June 23, 2011 by silliness7

[BeckyFL]

Not your fault then, not your fault now! AND your job now is to protect your children.

 

Your husband is in charge of protecting your family. I would do exactly as he has said and attend no further functions where your older cousin will be attending. You have some issues with taking blame for things in the past that weren't your fault. Don't do the same thing in the present. You are worried about YOU causing everything from divorce to your grandmother's failing health and even your older cousin causing harm to himself. You only have one thing for which you are responsible and your husband has already said it... your own children should not be around the older cousin (or his children, I hate to say).

[Miss Peregrine]

I am curious. If everyone knows now that younger cousin is in therapy because of older cousin, has it not gotten back to older cousin(and wife) that everybody knows?

[Pippen]

:iagree:

 

I would never allow myself or my children to be in this person's presence. Ever. I honestly wouldn't even go visit my mother if she were still socializing with this criminal, much less insisting that I do. The upsetting grandma thing is just an excuse IMO. I find it hard to believe an 80 year old with Alzheimer's can't be fooled with some excuse, if she even notices the cousin is missing at all.

 

And I would absolutely make sure the predator's wife is informed. Whether she believes it or not, at least you will know you tried. Maybe it will at least cause his wife to watch out for danger signs.

 

Bottom line, the awkwardness, discomfort, or upset relatives are not your fault and quite frankly, not your concern. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and so sorry your mom is not making protecting you her priority. I hope she will come around.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: I would upset family--and even walk away from family--to prevent self and children from being in his presence.

 

I am sorry for what you've been through, and what you're facing now.

[roxanne23]

.

Edited January 4, 2023 by roxanne23

[sassyscrapperinid]

:grouphug:

 

I have no experience with this, but my gut feeling is to make sure the wife knows. She has to protect her own kids.

 

I unfortunately have experience with this and the wife DEFINITELY needs to know so she can protect her child. And I would even venture to say that EVERYONE in your family with children needs to know so they can protect their children as well. Its hard when this happens but the cycle has to stop some where.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

:grouphug: ugh anoher one shocked by your mom's response.....I would come out and tell her if she does invite him that you can not attend the party.....they will have to celebrate without you and the birthday girl.....it's as simple as that....(or not so simple when family is involved I know)

[kristinannie]

I'm not sure how much useful advice I can give, but I empathize with you. I was molested for years by my older brother. I finally told my parents when I was in my early twenties. I did this on the advice of my therapist, who assured me that continuing to keep it a secret was harmful to my psyche. The results were disastrous. Sure, they seemed somewhat supportive when I told them (I thought they'd become more supportive after recovering from the shock). But my parents (divorced, mind you) each went around circulating the story to the whole family...my mom insisted that my first college boyfriend had told her that I was a virgin (he had done no such thing, I assure you) so it couldn't be true. My father, who had not had a working relationship with my brother for several years, decided to take this opportunity to get to know my brother again, and within six months began spending every other holiday with him and to this day, still finds every opportunity to bring him up in conversation with me even though I have told him on no uncertain terms that I do not want to speak of him at all. I have since found out that most of my extended family has branded me a vicious liar. This has come as a shock to me because, well, my brother is not a very good person even if you didn't know he was a pedophile, and to this day I don't know how to deal with my parents knowing that they cast me off every time my back is turned. You know, one of the threats my brother used when I was a child was that I couldn't tell anyone because my parents would never believe me. He must be laughing now, because it turns out that he was right all along.

 

I would say that it's possible your mother is covertly interested in protecting herself as much as your grandmother. I think a parent has a lot of reasons to turn a blind eye to what is right in front of them -- namely, she probably feels guilt for not protecting you as a child. It would probably be that much more hurtful for her to have everyone know that she didn't protect you (it may be an irrational feeling, but you can see how she might feel like a failure).

 

The other thing to consider is that pedophiles will always be pedophiles. The number of pedophiles who "recover" is something like 2%, and in your cousin's case, he has had no pressure to do so. It changes things in a worst case scenario here...the worst thing that could happen is not that he might divorce his wife or your family might hate you or anything like that. The worst thing that could happen is that he could molest a child (perhaps even your child) while he is at this event.

 

Perhaps you could try explaining that to your mother -- erase from her mind the delusion that he might have changed or that he he isn't a danger now. Tell her that as a parent, you cannot let a pedophile be exposed to young children. Suggest that she meet with him privately, just the two of them, to let him know that she knows what he did to her daughter and that for her daughter's mental health, and the health of the young children that will be present, she cannot allow him to attend. If he threatens to attend anyway, she should threaten to tell everyone exactly what happened, and his younger brother will add his voice to the truth. In all liklihood, the pedophile will not want to risk his good name in front of the entire family (even if he is able to convince them that he didn't do it, it will be a bad business) and he will grudgingly back off and make some excuse about why he won't be there.

 

This all depends on your mother, though. You should NOT be the one to confront him and tell him to not show up. And even if you did, if your mother is sabotaging you regardless, it won't matter. I know too well how easy it is for a parent to sympathize with a child when they are alone and it is just words with no risk -- for better or for worse, this event will show you whether your mother really is the person you think she is. I hope she does the right thing.

 

 

I just wanted to let you know that I am truly sorry about how your family has dealt with your situation. It is completely 100% wrong. Please know that you are in my prayers.

[kristinannie]

I just wanted to post something else that has been bothering me a little. I feel like OP is getting a lot of pressure to save every other child from this cousin of hers. While that is a noble idea, it isn't her responsibility. It is HIS responsibility. Obviously, she will do anything she can to protect her own kids, but she is not responsible for every behavior this man does. I had a similar situation when I was raped. There was really no way for me to prosecute because I didn't go to the hospital right away (I was drugged and the memories were VERY supressed). I was feeling all of this guilt about the same thing happening to other women. My counselor told me that wasn't my responsibility and I completely agree with that (NOW...at the time it was harder). OP was the victim here. Her only responsibility is to her own mental health and the safety of her children. I am not saying that she shouldn't say something to his wife or to other family members, but I am saying that she shouldn't feel morally obligated to do so, especially if she isn't ready for the possible consequences to her own life.

 

OP, I have been praying about your situation. I truly hope that God gives you the grace to discern the correct course of action for YOU. :grouphug:

[simka2]

Unfortunately I've thought about this :sad: and I've wondered about his two younger sisters (both of whom are in their early 30's and married now). We just don't know the extent of who has been hurt because no one has directly confronted him on his behavior. I definitely feel that his wife should be told (probably not by me as a pp mentioned) just because I couldn't live with myself if he's hurting his own daughter and I didn't say something that could have stopped it. I felt absolutely sick to my stomach when I found out about my younger cousin last summer. It's all got to come out and soon...still working out the logistics of how to do that!+

 

ETA: I definitely appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers...it's going to be a rough couple of weeks back home.

 

I am sorry you are having to walk this tight rope right now. As someone else said, you do not HAVE to do anything. It is never okay to Force someone to do something as a result of being FORCED to do something. It is like a second violation.

 

That said, you can CHOOSE to do something but what that looks like is completely up to you. I have walked a similar tight rope. I did everything I felt I could possibly do and still keep myself and my kids safe. Even after that my attacker has been allowed back into a position of power. :glare: The point is. Do what you need to to live with yourself. You do not have total control over the future or how it plays out. You could do everything right and someone may still get hurt.

 

:grouphug: Take care of you!

[saraha]

As to your question about who should be there, I only think you should be there if you WANT to be there, but if it were me, I would not. I don't think I could stomach reliving it all, whether outloud or in my head, even if I had come to terms and forgiven the actions. I agree with the third party idea, someone who has a little distance from the situation, and that someone finding out who else may be a danger.

 

So you and your husband have been to family functions before with this man in attendance? Not that it excuses your mom's behavior, but if that is true, maybe she doesn't really SEE the difference now, and is using that as another reason to pretend it isn't a big deal. Maybe you explaining to her that it is different now knowing you weren't the only victim would help her understand your change in behavior in this instance. I really hope my sincere intention to help comes through in this post, tone of voice and intent are so hard to read in type.

 

I've been praying hard for you, your family, and the sensitivity to hear what God wants you to do in this situation. You are such a brave and strong person, and even though your family is about to go through some dramatic experiences and changes, in this case, ultimately the change will be good.